THE INFORMATION #1304
MAY 3, 2024
Copyright 2024 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com
TYRANT KING: THE IMPLAUSIBLE RISE OF PRESIDENT GILBERT NILE
PART FIFTEEN
TWELVE: GILBERT NILE: HIS PRESIDENCY: THE FIRST INAUGURAL
The dilemma of modern progressive politics is that you are always fighting on two fronts: The conservatives on the right, and the conservatives on the left.–Tony Blair
Though it began conventionally enough, Nile’s inaugural Presidential speech, on the evening of 31 October, was one of the most bizarre presidential pronouncements on record. Here are Nile’s comments, reproduced in full. (This is not, however, as it was reported, as I will explain later!)
This is a sad occasion for all people, everywhere, and if it were in my power, I would undo the tragic events that led to this tragic juncture. However, I am resolved to soldier through, and I ask the American people to do the same. With the help of the people, and the help of God, I will do all I can. I ask that you support the President and regard me as your friend in this hour of great sorrow and tribulation.
Our republic has come a long way since 1776.
Regarding this great experiment known as democracy I have this to say.
It is high time we faced facts.
This Government is in a permanent state of gridlock. Our founders more or less designed this government so that no one branch has it all over any of the others, but these are crucial times that our Republic faces, and we’ve not only the stewards for the North American continent but for the entire world, regardless of what the Russians or the Chinese, or, for that matter, the Indians or the Pakistanis or the Arabs or the Europeans might think.
Now, the Russians and the Chinese were the first to bring out the big guns, and we’re not starting any fights, but we’re not running away from any either, and it’s high time we told those autocratic regimes to back off. If a fight is what they want, then a fight is what they’re going to get, by jiminy. They started it, but we’ll finish it. And don’t worry, we’ll give it to them–right in the kisser! The old zippo-bang!
Now, some wimps have been whining about how we need the approval of the United Nations, and that we don’t amount to a hill of beans without it. Well, now, that’s just plain wrong! As a matter of fact, if you’ll pardon the expression, I’ve never heard such crap! We don’t need nothin’ from nobody, and we sure don’t need no go-ahead from the likes of them bazoos. As a matter of fact, we’ve been getting along perfectly swell without them, and as long as the rest of the World has got to eat, we’ll still be the bread-basket to the world.
But the United Nations, and NATO, and all them other organizations have always worked for us in the past, some people say…. Well, that’s a load of crap, too! Them there other countries have never stuck their neck out for us; if they stuck up for us in the past it’s because they were only in it for the money. Time and time again Europe has gotten into some heap big scrapes, and time after time they have come bawling to us to save their bacon, but let’s be frank–we done it, only not out
of the goodness of our hearts, but because we were just looking out after our own turf. And they knew it. Other than the fact that the eagle screams, them other countries could care less about us.
So I say let’s just scram the hell out of the U.N. and like that, and then we’ll be quit of them other countries for keeps, and that’s no lie!
Now some people say that the United States helped to found the United Nations, and that therefore we are responsible for keeping it viable. Well, as far as I’m concerned, the United Nations and the World Bank and all those other organizations have done a pretty bum job of looking out after us and our interests. What do you do with a dog that bites you when you’re trying to feed it? I’ll tell ya what–you put him down. That’s the way they do it down on the farm. Maybe we should start thinking back to the way the world used to be and do something to restore our republic to exemplify some of those time-honored ways.
Anyway, the United Nations ain’t the boss of us. Nor are Russia or China or India or Pakistan or Arabia or even Europe. Let’s face it, all them garlic-eaters and mackerel-snappers and castaways and such all come here to get away from the mugs that want to push them around.
Now I’m going to take a lot of flak, probably, for saying this, but let’s face it, folks–we don’t need them bums mucking around here no more. I said it once and I’ll say it again–the stuff we got to sell would find a buyer anywhere, and we’d all be a whole lot better off if we just eliminated the middleman right here and now. If we get all tangled up with them phonies over in Europe and Asia and Africa and what-not, we’re just asking for a whole world of trouble from all the people they’ve managed to tick off, and big time. These Europeans who might be our pals and maybe buddy up with us ain’t gonna do it if we say we’re playing ball with Russia and China. It’s places
like India and Indonesia we ought to be selling stuff to, and not messing around with them punks in Europe no more, because as long as we’re on the same team as those bazoos, we’re going to have to put up or shut up, and maybe even end up having to fight all their battles for them.
Europe’s basically just a bunch of jerks, and the same goes for the rest of the world. I know I’m going to get in trouble for saying it, but here in the good old U.S. of A., the President can say any darn thing he likes. It says so in the constitution, or, if it doesn’t, then it should.
Anyhoo, the rest of the world’s been going at it like cats and dogs 24-7 since who knows when, and if we stick up for Europe all the time, let’s face it–we’re gonna go broke, because nobody else will buy our stuff. And all because we’re letting Europe run our lives! All those crybabies that are saying we ought to patch things up with Europe are gonna be singin’ a different tune if Europe manages to get into a scrape with Russia or China. And then those same crybabies are gonna wish they hadn’t taken sides, but it’s going to be too late. Do I have to spell it out for you? What part of U.S. out of the U.N. don’t you understand? Those dashiki wearing jokers with their
weird food and their ugly jabber are an ocean away from us. And we have a pretty sweet set-up here without them. You know, I’ve always felt that it’s like someone Up There is looking out for our hides, and it’s also really great that we got this way cool Hotel America here for all them people from somewhere else that nobody else gives a hoot about.
But that too has got to change. All them foreigners coming here to live, I mean. But first things first.
OK, let’s talk turkey: the United Nations have been acting like Boss Hogg around here for too long. When I go to talk to the United Nations, here’s the first thing I plan to tell them: Boys, let’s face it–I hate to rain on your parades, but you have got to go….
OK, let me explain myself. This here country’s too big, and too far away, and too complicated for all them Lord Snooties from all them other hick countries to try to run our lives. I say that if they can’t lick us, then they sure as hell can’t boss us around.
Sure, back in the day, it was maybe OK to come running to the United Nations about every little thing, but now that we’re all grown up it’s kinda dumb.
If them countries can’t even take of their own affairs–and let’s face it, most of ‘em can’t–then why in hell should we let them tell us how to run the show? Why should some miserable mudhole country off in East Nowhere expect us to jump through hoops on their say-so?
OK–let’s just suppose for just one minute that we patch things up with them other countries. Then what? Well, Jim, lemme tell ya this–in that case, it’s a one-way ticket to Palookaville for us. Now, sit still for a minute and lemme tell you why.
The rest of the world is going to just keep jerking us around no matter what.
Even the best deal we’re gonna cut with the G-8 ain’t gonna be no good for long.
I’ll tell yuh who we oughter be taking marching orders from. Buddy, it’s God Almighty His own self. Nobody else.
Anyhow, I think that with His blessing we ought to run things ourselves, and the sooner we can get some peace and quiet around here, and set up some rules, rather than wait around for some big emergency, the better off we’ll be. So all you creeps that are talking about let’s kiss and make up with the UN and the G-8 and all them others, I’m saying to you–nix on that.
What I’m saying is we can no longer put up with those murderous sumbitches in the U.N. It’s high time we give the U.N. the old heave-ho.
Anyway, I don’t like to blather on. I’ve pretty much said what I’ve meant to say.
God bless you. And may God bless America.
Curiously (or perhaps not), press response to this de facto inaugural speech was subdued. Old-line conservative organs took mild issue with the President’s language, but heartily applauded his sentiments. Moderates and liberals were inclined to decry the Presidents call for “a new isolationism,” but otherwise applauded his “populist spirit” and willingness to “speak plainly to the American people.” Predictably, the neo-conservative wing of the Republican party reacted with shock and outrage. “This is the end of the Empire,” groaned the learned solons from the great journals of opinion. Other, more down to earth television commentators, suggested that the
President was “speaking for Buncombe” and “telling the people what they want to hear.”
In one sense, they were correct. In another, they were dead wrong. True, many Americans–not all of them rock-ribbed conservatives–had long wished for the United States to follow a policy of disengagement with the rest of the world, the better to tend to more pressing problems at home–namely, crumbling infrastructure, shaky consumer confidence, and high taxes. But they little knew just how serious Nile was and just how far he would go to see his will carried out.
To say the media around the world were in a state of extreme anxiety regarding the intentions of the new President would be the understatement of the century. Russia and China immediately began calling up their reserves and strategically deploying their land forces. Japan’s financial markets see-sawed, then crashed. World markets were immediately thrown into a state of turmoil.
Only the Germans and the French seemed to react to the news with calm forbearance.
England’s Prime Minister immediately called for a “dialogue” with the President, but none was forthcoming, and the President made it clear to the PM’s representatives that he had said all he had intended to say regarding the matter.
*1 SALUTATION
THE COASTERS
IDOL WITH THE GOLDEN HEAD
https://youtu.be/gU9GdhkLmWA
2*REFERENCE
THE ROAD TO RUANE
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt29483476/
3*HUMOR
“I treated an Mesoamerican yesterday.”
“Doctor, how did you know he was an Mesoamerican?”
“I had to dig a heritage potato out of his ass.”
https://www.quora.com/Were-the-Aztecs-considered-behind-their-times
4*NOVELTY
Coochy Cooty.
lastgasp.com/products/coochy-cootie-mens-comics-1
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
Bathless Groggins
digitalcollections.hoover.org/objects/41444/bathless-groggins-you-are-the-oneriest-critter–but-i-l
6* DAILY UTILITY
Directory Assistance.
https://www.verizon.com/support/411-connect-faqs/#:~:text=What%20is%20411%20Search%3F,Phone%20numbers
*7 CARTOON
Jimmy Durante and Eddie Cantor
Unbriago
https://youtu.be/csvq2UosMmc
8*PRESCRIPTION
The Man Who Laughs
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Laughs_(1928_film)
9* RUMOR PATROL
COUNTERFEIT BOTOX
https://www.wfla.com/8-on-your-side/better-call-behnken/cdc-investigating-tainted-botox-injections-in-florida-8-other-states/#:~:text=The%20CDC%20and%20FDA%20are,nine%20people%20from%20nine%20states.
10*LAGNIAPPE
THE BEACH BOYS
409
https://youtu.be/GHRJCcCYAF4
11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
“Hay is for horses.”
https://www.quora.com/What-does-the-phrase-hay-is-for-horses-mean#:~:text=%E2%80%9CHay%20is%20for%20horses%E2%80%9D%20is,%E2%80%9CHay%20is%20for%20horses.%E2%80%9D
12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
THE ROLLING STONES
Rolling Stones songs are much more entertaining when you sing them in the voice of a lustful Goofy.
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