THE INFORMATION #1033 FEBRUARY 22, 2019

THE INFORMATION #1033

FEBRUARY 22, 2019
Copyright 2019 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Wherever there has been great suffering, people are always seeing strange things.–Edward Tinney  

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TWELVE: PART FIFTY: THE EASTERN GATE OF PARADISE


Soon, almost before he knew it, it was nearly the end of Billy Tallent’s Fourth Form school year. Exams were over, and Glen Phillips and Billy Tallent were taking their ease like proper gentlemen, snugly ensconced in the senior lounge smoking room, located in the basement of their dormitory, a drafty castle named after the venerable Bede. The room itself was somewhat damp, but not entirely uncomfortable, and the lighting was dim. A spherical glass whale oil lamp, once transparent but now opaque, was in one corner, and gave off a strong odor, but also provided a light sufficient to read by. The cheerless wooden walls of the dungeon-like room had been made more homey by being plastered all over with various colorful felt school and college pennants.

 
“I suppose,” said Glen Phillips to Billy Batchelder Tallent, biting the end off of a cigar and lighting it, “that the reason my old man is such a sourpuss is that he’s seen too much.”
Billy lit his Meerschaum pipe, a parting gift from his mentor Lon. “You said he runs a newspaper.”


“That’s right. He is the publisher of the Noxtown Chronicker. And I told him all about you. He’d like to meet you.”


“You flatter me.”


“Not at all. He’s always on the lookout for bright young men. College-educated, if at all possible. You see, for too long newspapers have been rags. All about twisting the facts to suit the advertisers, and reporting on the doings of unimportant people who want to be seen as important. Reporters have no grounding in history. They’re little better than death-hunters. They tend to report what is false, rather than what is true, because it is less work and more convenient to do so. Oh, they’ll give you the bare facts of the case, but they never seem to wander into the perilous minefield of why and how. As a matter of fact, they’re not really very interested in the truth. With them, it’s always the story. Does it make a good story? That’s all they want to know about the matter. And the rabble who lay down their pennies for the news want blood and thunder, not dry details. Keyhole journalism, my Paterfamilias calls it. They also go in for all the human-interest stuff. Hackwork churned out by wordy wordmen who write with the sole purpose of filling the hungry news hole. 


“And the middle and upper classes are no better. They want propriety, and they’ll have it at all costs. Or they’ll pretend to. But they’ll secretly lust after every last one of the sordid details, unless, of course, it’s a story about them. Then they’ll bend bloody heaven and earth to kill it. Yes, they’re very sinister-minded behind all their sanctimony, but they don’t want anybody else to know it, so you got to serve their garbage up with a heapin’ helpin’ of sugar on top. 
“As for the self-styled educated classes, they profess to scorn newspapers. Instead, they read stodgy journals where the authors take fifteen single-spaced pages to make the same damn point that any halfway decent cub could make in a kicker, a nut graf, and eight column inches. But don’t kid yourself. Even these so-called intellectuals will peep at the Daily Blight to see what new fresh living hell is on display above the fold. 


“Reporters are not what you would call men of sincerity. They play favorites, or they dance to the tune of their editors, who also play favorites. They are cynical about other people’s prejudices, and oblivious to their own. Pick up today’s paper and read it. Some society toff cashes in his chips, and he gets a thousand words. You can read it all right here–all about his yacht, and his grieving wife, and the fact that his fucking gun dog took the blue ribbon at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Now, go to page 51. The second to last page. Look here! Some country younker named Homer Miller who lives in some jerkwater town has bought the farm because a mule kicked him in the head. Now, he registers barely two column inches. And that’s probably because he owned a lot of land. You see what I mean? The doin’s of the rich get the society page; the doin’s of the poor show up on the police blotter, if they show up at all. Do you notice a trend? The rich are noteworthy because of how they live, and the poor only rate a bare mention when they’re stiff and cold as a mackerel.  


“I’ll tell you something though. If they dressed that second story up a bit–had him done in by a hobo ax-murderer who was cutting up a trail of bloody corpses and heading for the big city–then it would be the front page news.”


“I actually know Homer Miller,” said Billy to Glen. “If it’s the same man. He’s an ornery cuss. He’d shoot any hobo who came within a country mile of his place, and it wouldn’t be with no rock salt, either.”


“Ah, but that’s not the point. Do you want to know why you can never recognize a person you happen to know who’s being talked about in the paper? Because reporters aren’t interested in the person. What they’re after is the story. Let me tell you something about editors, Mawny. They dance to the tune of the money boys–publishers. And most of these publishers are corrupt parrots who spit and chatter balderdash from their filth-encrusted perches. Their sole concern is What’s In It For Me? Your editor will tell them he’s got aholt of a hot scoop, and what the publisher will answer back is, So What’s In It For Me? If it’ll sell papers, in it goes. If it’ll offend someone important, he’ll tell the editor to bury the lead. If he even lets the story run at all. That’s why you’re not likely to read about the depredations of vile officials, or about the infamies perpetrated by the police department, or about the society doctor who provides quick abortions to the daughters of his well-heeled clientele. That’s why in all the news you read, all reformers are crackpots; all senile captains of industry are enterprising geniuses; all defenders of the status quo are true patriots, and all the frock-cloaked champions of purity and decency–which is always a code word for “kill the poor”–are puffed up in the news columns to be tinhorn saints. Nowadays, the news is just the shit they conjure up willy-nilly to fill the spaces between the advertisements. And such advertisements! Look right here: “Ho! For the New Eldorado! Millions of Acres! The Light in the East! Harper’s Patent Fly Trap!” 


“I tell you, it’s enough to make a white man want to retire to a quiet corner and look for a potted plant in which to quietly evacuate the contents of his stomach!”   


1* SALUTATION

ANASTASIA SCREAMED

MOONTIME (VIDEO)

https://youtu.be/a-rZiOlJ-PQ


2*REFERENCE
WHOLE FOODS

Whole Foods on the East Side of Providence is OK. Lots of crunchy granola types. But the one on the bottom of the hill on North Main Street is the fucking 10th Circle of Hell.  

 
This particular Whole Foods plays all the hits of the 70s (e.g. Horse With No Name), and I have to wonder how I would feel if I were 18 years old and working in a store that was playing all the biggest hits of 1927.  


Whole Foods caters to wingnuts of all stripes who wouldn’t shop anywhere else because they are convinced that ordinary food is being poisoned by Worldwide Mad Deadly Communist/Fascist Gangster Computer God Frankenstein Robots.
tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Creator/FrancisEDec  


There is a case to be made, however, for eating only wild fish, grass-fed beef, poultry and eggs from free-range hens, and lamb. They are all superior sources of Tryptophan. (They also happen to taste better.)

www.healthline.com/health/tryptophan


3*HUMOR

BUSTER KEATON

COLLEGE

BLACKFACE SCENE

https://youtu.be/HGnD2Li2QeM?t=1668


4*NOVELTY

SWEET SWEETBACK TRAILER

https://youtu.be/0rD1OzJVoWY

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST

CHAINSAW AL, RIP
www.barrons.com/articles/chainsaw-al-barrons-knew-ye-well-51549644289    

6* DAILY UTILITY

BAD HABITS AT WORK

https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/8-bad-work-habits-and-how-to-break-them-hot-jobs  

7*CARTOON

THE ANDY CAPP TELEVISION SHOW

A NEW LEAF

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6yzl5k


8*PRESCRIPTION 

Every Single Cognitive Bias in One Infographic
www.visualcapitalist.com/every-single-cognitive-bias/  

SEE ALSO:

COGNITIVE BIAS CHEAT SHEET
betterhumans.coach.me/cognitive-bias-cheat-sheet-55a472476b18


ALSO SEE:

LIST OF COGNITIVE BIASES
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases


9* RUMOR PATROL

MARK DEVLIN, ASCENDED MASTER

https://youtu.be/eG9BADCUOGw
10*LAGNIAPPE
BOBBY SCOTT PLAYS THE ORIGINAL MUSIC FOR A TASTE OF HONEY

https://youtu.be/rBjcYrMv55I

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA

THE SECRET ORIGIN OF THE POPEYE AND BLUTO FEUD

For close to 90 years, Popeye and Bluto have really been fighting over a boy. 


Nowhere is this more apparent than here:

https://d1466nnw0ex81e.cloudfront.net/n_pi/300/2236181.jpg


The new Popeye cartoons have replaced Popeye’s pipe with an inexplicable whistle. A whistle!

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwic2fef57PgAhWMiOAKHRmtDwEQjRx6BAgBEAU&url=https%3A%2F%2Fscreenrant.com%2Fpopeye-animated-shorts-youtube%2F&psig=AOvVaw0gvSmMdoP3S-QgX2HUglKq&ust=1549978829138895

Also, it’s pretty obvious to me that Dagwood and Mr. Dithers share a special, but bewildering relationship. Check out this cover blow-job:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjUopSz5LPgAhWEnFkKHW7eDscQjRx6BAgBEAU&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.hipcomic.com%2Flisting%2Fdagwood-29-1953-harvey-chic-young-blondie-popeye-vg%2F2099346&psig=AOvVaw0SoyzpicWLM7awCECpv_at&ust=1549978062294563


ALSO SEE:

EXECUTIVE ACTION #1

Superman goes back in time to prevent the assassination of JFK–but Lex Luthor with his Magic Bullet has other plans! Superman: “Choke” Ironic! I suppose that even I, with all my great powers can’t change history! 


12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
JORDAN PETERSON VS. THE STRAW MEN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOh1Gflu7Uw  

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THE INFORMATION #1032 FEBRUARY 15, 2019

THE INFORMATION #1032

FEBRUARY 15, 2019

Copyright 2019 FRANCIS DIMENNO

dimenno@gmail.com

https://dimenno.wordpress.com

I’d as lief pray with Kit Smart as any one else.–Samuel Johnson    

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE

BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN

CHAPTER TWELVE: PART FORTY-NINE: THE EASTERN GATE OF PARADISE

“You stay away from that Andy Brassen,” said plump Glen Phillips to Billy Batchelder Tallent. “Stay far away. He’s a bad apple. His people go all the way back to before the Norman Invasion. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were a direct descendant of the Black Prince. That’s probably what gives him some of his…characteristics.”
 
“Just how afraid would you be of anybody,” said Glen, “if you knew that if it all went to shit, you would be one of the chosen ones who would weather the storm? I’m not talking about some fucking cabin in the remotest backwoods of Maine. I’m talking a self-sustaining city, deep in the tropical jungle, or up there in the mountains, where you could probably hold out against the flood until the end of time. Do you think for one minute that the headmaster doesn’t know that? That’s how Andy Brassen gets away with his flapdoodle. The Head is more afraid of him than he is of the Head. And why shouldn’t he be afraid? Andy’s father could probably buy this place twenty times over, and throw the Head out on his ass. No, folks like Andy ain’t afraid of nothing and nobody. He’s kind of like you. Only you’ve gotten to be that way because you don’t know any better, and you figure that you got nothing to lose. But beneath it all, you’re still good, or otherwise I wouldn’t even be talking to you about this. But the kind of power that Andy and his father and his gang have, and have had, going back centuries–well, there’s something evil about it. You know what Lord Acton said: Power Corrupts. And the more you got, the more corrupt you are. No, you stay away from Andy. He could destroy you. Not in so many words. Just a word to the Head, and he’ll go from treating you as a minor indulgence and he’ll decide that you’re a major threat. And he’ll boot you the hell out of here. And you’ll be blackballed everywhere else. And the more you deny you did anything wrong, the less they’ll believe you.
 
“You have no conception at all of the power that aristocrats like his father have. You’d be lucky if you could get a job as a hostler. The Army wouldn’t have you, nor the Navy or Marines. The Civil Service would be out. These spiders have webs, and they weave them wide. Fleas like you get trapped. Only the big bugs break free. My father told me all about it, the day I turned sixteen. He told me that I was old enough to know that every time you make an enemy, you’re risking your entire future. Because no matter how insignificant they may seem on the surface, you never know who they know. Never. He also told me that you have to be very careful about what you reveal about yourself. Because people have long memories. Especially the people who call themselves your friends. 
 
“These fellows, these aristocrats, why, they can get away with anything. And they know it. So just ask yourself this–what would you do if you could get away with anything? Would you start into breaking all of the Commandments? Would you steal? Oh, they certainly do that, every day. Only they don’t call it that. They call it “getting one over.” Would you cheat? Cheating is no sin among their set. It’s in their blood. It’s how they got to where they are in the first place. Would you lie? Why, lying is second nature to them. They even lie to themselves, and some of them don’t realize it. They tell themselves the lie that they’re better than everybody else, and so they deserve everything they get, which is everything, and the poor man deserves everything he gets, which is nothing. If he’s lucky. And less than nothing, if he’s just a run-of-the-mill kinda fellow. “Slow rises worth by poverty oppressed,” as the Great Cham put it. And he knew what he was talking about. He was a truly great man. He had reason, and he had intuition. He championed Smart. He also had courage. He exposed Ossian. “Your rage I defy,” he said. “I hope I shall never be deterred from detecting what I think a cheat, by the menaces of a ruffian.” One of the most intelligent men in the world–that he was–going by the dictionary alone–never mind Boswell–and he could barely afford to feed his fucking cat. Doesn’t that tell you something? That brains aren’t everything? That sometimes they can actually get in your way? Because if you have brains, and a heart, and a little bit of courage, you tell yourself there’s certain things you just won’t do. All very well and good. But that won’t stop your enemies. In fact, they’ll turn your scruples against you–every fucking time. Especially if you don’t have the money to back up these fine sentiments, No money? Then just who are you, exactly? A nobody. A simple little field mouse. And the world is full of hawks. Hawks that may not see everything, and know everything, but they see enough. And they’re hungry. And they know a field mouse when they see one. That’s their job. That’s what they’re put on earth to do.     
 
“Do you know that many criminals are actually innocent of the crimes they are accused of committing? Plenty. But don’t fool yourself. You can bet that they’re on somebody’s list. And so they’re ripe to be framed. And they’re bad actors anyway, so it’s easy to do. Especially if you’re a crook yourself, but one who wears the mask of justice. That’s why crooks are always yelling about a frame-up. Because it happens. A lot. The Coppers spy a police character who isn’t giving up the ducats to the Sarge and they call him an outlaw. Meanwhile, those fine-haired sons of bitches who swindle widows and fuck orphans are the ones who really call the shots. They build their steel and coal fortunes on the backs of sweaty bohunks. Then they endow a fucking museum or an opera house. As though some stupid Croatian or Polack has time for such nonsense! 
 
“Now, I’ll be the first to admit, all sanctimony aside, that I’m not a religious kind of guy. I don’t pay much heed to the spooky stuff. None of my friends do. Only the old folks do. We play sports and they go to church. We fornicate, and they wrap themselves in a blanket and doze by the fire. We raise the devil and they want to know if we want a nice handful of fruit. But I tell you this–there has got to be a heaven. There’s just got to. 
 
“Because…otherwise? Otherwise, life would be just too damn hard.” 
1* SALUTATION
THE BLACKWELLS
BIG DADDY AND THE CAT
 
ALSO SEE:
THE PYRAMIDS
HOT DOG DOOLY WAH
2*REFERENCE
DEAN ACHESON

 Senator Hugh Butler exclaimed: “I look at that fellow. I watch his smart-aleck manner and his British clothes, and that New Dealism in everything he says and does, and I want to shout, ‘Get out, Get out. You stand for everything that has been wrong with the United States for years!'”

www.americanforeignrelations.com/A-D/Cold-Warriors-Dean-acheson.html#ixzz5cnBZBxun  

 
Querulous douchebags have a superstitious dread of anything that threatens their mediocrity.  
ALSO SEE:
DEMOCRATS VS. REPUBLICANS
 

3*HUMOR

THAT’S KINDA GAY
4*NOVELTY
WORST COMMERCIAL EVER

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST

INSIDE THE TEENAGE BRAIN
You haven’t lived until you’ve heard me blow my axe. I blow my licorice stick and fill any stage I appear on with tasty licks.    

ALSO SEE:

WHY I THINK I’M BETTER THAN YOU
 
6* DAILY UTILITY
NEGATIVLAND
BITE BACK
 
SEE ALSO:
MC5
THE AMERICAN RUSE

7*CARTOON

HEAVY DATE
ALSO SEE:
AL BUNDY SHOE STORE CUSTOMERS
 
SEE ALSO:
THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF KRYPTO MOUSE
8*PRESCRIPTION
HEARTWARMING STORIES FROM THE READER’S DIGEST
ALSO SEE:

SI ANTHOLOGY

http://www.bopsecrets.org/SI/

9* RUMOR PATROL

SMQ AL
WE ALL DIED IN 2012
 
ALSO SEE:
OUR LIFE BEYOND MKULTRA
10*LAGNIAPPE
BUZZCOCKS
BOREDOM
 
ALSO SEE:
TOMMY JAMES
OUT OF THE BLUE
Peaked at #43 on the Billboard Hot 100 on November 25, 1967.  

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
THE CIA REVIEWS THE DEVIL’S CHESSBOARD
12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE Arthur Hugh Clough (1819-1861)

The Latest DecalogueThou shalt have one God only; who

Would tax himself to worship two?

God’s image nowhere shalt thou see,

Save haply in the currency:

Swear not at all; since for thy curse

Thine enemy is not the worse:

At church on Sunday to attend

Will help to keep the world thy friend:

Honor thy parents; that is, all

From whom promotion may befall:

Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive

Officiously to keep alive:

Adultery it is not fit

Or safe, for women, to commit:

Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat,

When ’tis so lucrative to cheat:

False witness not to bear be strict;

And cautious, ere you contradict.

Thou shalt not covet; but tradition

Sanctions the keenest competition.

As noted by P. G. Scott, Clough’s The Latest Decalouge may have been written to show that the “bourgeois morality” of his time was actually irreligious.

The poem appears in two distinct manuscripts, one held by the British Museum, and the other at Harvard University. The version presented above is the one held by Harvard. Most anthologies seem to use a combination of the two versions. In addition to a slightly different parody of the ten commandments, the British Museum version ends with a parody of their summary given in the Gospel according to Matthew:

The sum of all is, thou shalt love,

If any body, God above:

At any rate shall never labour

More than thyself to love thy neighbour.

www.potw.org/archive/potw238.html  

MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 247 FEBRUARY 2019

PRNDL

A PLAY in One Act

By

Francis DiMenno

I-a

THE SCENE: An employee’s lounge in a veteran’s hospital. The setting is Spartan: a wooden table, a few folding metal chairs and a broom leaning against a wall. The year is 1984.

THE CHARACTER: Anthony D’Amato, 37. In the course of the monologue he assumes the voices of several characters, including a RADIO DJ, his former wife, LOTTE, his former commanding officer THE SARGE, a JUDGE, and a LAWYER. At the discretion of the director, these parts could be played by separate characters.

I-i

(ANTHONY D’AMATO, a man in his late thirties, is seated at a small wooden table, with a glass of water and a package of birthday candles. As the play begins, he tears open a package of muffins, takes one out, and sets it on the table. He then takes out a birthday candle, sticks it into the muffin, and lights the wick of the candle. He watches it for a second or two, takes a tattered photograph out of his wallet, sets it on the table, picks up a long-handled broom, and begins sweeping. )

…………………………………………ANTHONY

…………………………………………(Singing softly)

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday little Tony….

(He sets the broom aside and gazes at the photograph on the table.)

Happy birthday to…

(Softly)

I left a love child at home.

(Looking at the candle.)

I was young then, I thought I knew. I left a love child at home. We all fall down, and go figure. When it’s time to go, it’s time to go.

(He takes a drink of water and wipes his mouth on his sleeve.)

I was young, I thought I knew.

(A pause.)

They threw me out. They threw me right out of the dining room. They threw me out.

(Heatedly.)

It was all over the counter, it was all over—there was no more soup, it was all over the counter. They wanted to give me eggs. I said eggs are bad. They wanted to give me eggs. I don’t eat eggs. I break eggs is what I do. I break eggs.

I-ii

(He smiles.)

But I never break for work. I used to drive a cab. It was a favor for the Sarge. Me and the Sarge, we were on the bum. Now I’m a bum. I’m a bum, I’m a bum, I’m on my bum and I’m a bum.

(He picks up the broom and holds it bristle-side up, speaking to it as though it were a person.)

First time I met the Sarge? D’Amato, said the Sarge. D’Amato, clean! Yes, Sarge! D’Amato, clean that! Yes, Sarge! D’Amato, clean that garbage can! YES, SARGE! Not like that D’Amato, you’re spraying me with that effin’ hose! Can’t you follow simple instructions? Yes, Sarge, I said, yes Sarge.

(A pause.)

What for, Sarge, I should have said. What for? I’ll give you the what for, I should have said, I’ll give you the what for for that.

(He hurls his broom to the floor.)

I never should of gone back.

(He sits. A pause. He stands.)

There were eight top ten songs back then, there were eight top ten songs I used to sing.

(Using the broom as a microphone.)

Well, then, uh, Anthony, we’ll play that song for you, Anthony. And who’s it going out to? Little Tony. Well, all right then. This song is going out to little Tony, from his dad.

(He sings.)

Hey, baby….

(A pause.)

Listen, dear, they’re playing our song. Listen, listen.

(A pause. Softly.)

I should have said I won’t go back. I should of never gone back. I…should have gone back. I should have gone back to her. I left a love child at home. I left a love child.

(As though speaking to his wife.)

A lot you know, Lotte, a lot you know. You’re my wife, but a lot you know.

(Shouting.)

The kid is sick, Lotte! The kid is sick, he needs a doctor! Go get a doctor, the kid is sick! “Who’s gonna pay for a doctor?”

I-iii

(Calmly.)

I need you back, Lotte, I need you back. I like your hair, Lotte, I like your hair. Just lemme, just lemme kiss you Lotte. Lemme hold you lemme touch you lemme just kiss you on the neck.

(Talking like a lawyer.)

I look forward to discussing this matter, I look—

(As though talking to his wife.)

Do I disgust you, my dear? Do I disgust you? C’mon, don’t talk that way. I’m not drunk, I’m not! Just let me, just, I’m not drunk, let me kiss you, just let me kiss you, I’m not drunk.

(Calmly.)

Our magic drugs! Our magic drugs! I was young then. I was gung-ho! Join up, you’ll never go over, they said, join up, you’ll never go. I was in tenth grade then, it was in tenth grade I joined up.

(In the voice of a Disc Jockey.)

Someone named Anthony just called and asked us to play this song for his son, so we’re going to play this song for little Tony.

(In his natural voice.)

I aid, Listen Honey, they’re playing, listen Honey, they’re playing our song. And she said “Don’t you ‘Honey’ me, I’m not your Honey, don’t you call me ‘Honey’. I said I’ll call you Honey, I’ll call you Honey. Just let me hug you Honey, let me hug you like a Honey bear. “Don’t you call me Honey, I don’t want none of your Honey, don’t you call me Honey.”

(Calmly.)

Well, there’s no use to drag it out then.

(Shouting.)

Call the doctor, the kid is sick, he needs a doctor, go call the doctor! “The doctor ain’t gonna come, you didn’t pay him for the last time.” Go call the doctor, the kid is sick. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what.

(A long pause.)

I’m looking at you!

(He peers from between his fingers.)

I’m looking at you! Don’t you look at me, she said. It’s alright! We’re married now! “I’ll put out the light you keep lookin’ at me.”

I-iv

(A pause.)

She took me to court.

(A pause.)

Ten years ago. She took me to court.

(A pause.)

I’ll turn out the light, she said, you keep lookin’ at me. Oh no you don’t, I said. We’re married now. “I’ll turn out the light.”

(A pause.)

And she turned out the light.

(A long pause. At this point, he begins to imagine he’s in court.)

My name is–. My name is Anthony D’Amato, your honor, I said. I am twenty-seven years of age. I am twenty-seven. “Is that your age?” Yes, your honor, that’s your age. “I’m not your honor, I’m a lawyer, don’t call me your honor.” And they laughed at me. “Do you know why you’re here today?” My name is D’Amato, Anthony D’Amato, and them’s some tough cookies. “Do you know why you’re here? You have to answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Do you understand? Answer yes or no.”

(A pause.)

I understand. “Where do you live, Mr. D’Amato?” I live right here in Boston. But never come back, see—I should never have come back.

(A pause.)

“Are you presently working at this time?”

(A pause.)

No, I’m not working. No, I’m not.

(A pause.)

“Can you tell us how you live if you have no job?”

(A pause.)

I mean, that’s the problem. I don’t know how I live. I don’t know.

(A pause.)

“Are you collecting unemployment? Are you collecting a weekly check?”

I-v

(A pause.)

No, I answered, no I’m not, no. “How do you live without a check, how do you live?” I get what they call a veteran’s benefit, I get what they call a, what you call. “Were you in Vietnam?” “My client went in Vietnam,” they said, “My client went to Vietnam.” “When did you get your payments? When did you start to get your check?” It was April 1975, it was in April and it was cold that year. “Stick to the question, please, stick to the question. Will you tell the court just what your background is?” I never got through High School, your honor. “Did you leave of your own free will?”

(He thrusts his broom handle at an imaginary antagonist.)

You sure like to stick it to a guy, your honor. You sure like to stick it to a guy. No disrespect. I like to tell a joke or two, you know. You know what my favorite word is? My favorite word is PRNDL.

(He motions with his broom as though shifting gears in an automobile.)

P…R…N…D…L. Purndul. I like to tell a joke or two, your honor. Can’t you take a joke or two? “The court has duly noted that you like to tell a joke or two. That fact is duly noted. Will you please answer only the questions that we ask—“

(Shouting.)

The court has duly noted this! The court has duly noted that! “Mr. D’Amato, please sit down! One more such outburst and we’ll cite you for contempt!”

(He sits.)

I’m sorry, your honor. “When you left your schooling in the middle of the term, will you tell the court just what it was you did?” I had a lot of different jobs, your honor, I did all kinds of jobs. “Will you kindly tell the court the kinds of jobs you did?” I had to take whatever came along. I had to take it. A man has to eat to stay alive. I used to like bread because it filled me up. I used to eat Jello until it made me sick to look at. I used to eat soup, maybe, for dinner. I lived that way ‘til I was seventeen. “The court…is not asking what you liked to eat…the court is asking what you did for a living.” I joined the draft. I joined the service. I wanted to march in the big parade. “Were you called for the draft? Or did you enlist on your own?” I left my parents when I was just a kid, I left my parents so what could I do? It’s a damn shame. I don’t like to swear, your honor, but that’s the way it is. “The court has no interest…in the fact that you left your parents…or whether you like to swear…just tell the court how long you served.”

(A long pause.)

I served for one long year, your honor. One long year and a day. I thought I would learn to fight or die. “The court has no interest in what you thought you learned. The court wants to know what rank you attained.” Private, your honor. I even made some friends there in the service. There was Frenchy…and Precious…and The Drifter. The best bunch of guys I ever knew and most of them died in the stink and the mud. “And what did you do when you left the service?”

I-vi

(A pause.)

As far as I’m concerned, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know a trade and never knew how to go about the learning of a trade. “Did you ever see combat when you were in the service?”

(A long pause.)

Combat was in my ears for days and days. Ever after I would pick myself up and hear what I was sayin’ and it wasn’t good. My brains went plumb to hell. And after that I had no place to go. They weren’t supposed to take me ‘cause I never finished school. All my friends went over and I never saw ‘em again. Frenchy was a lover boy, he gave the Sarge the crabs. Precious always had to have his way, he thought he was some hot stuff. The Drifter would hardly ever talk. I liked him the best. You always knew exactly where you stood with The Drifter. I never should have left and you can’t come back. I never should of tried. Before I left I was at the bottom of the anthill and when I got back I was even worse. The war is how I lost my bearings, that’s the thing about the war, the war was one big tub of shit. I’m sorry, your honor, no disrespect. “Since leaving the service, have you been employed in any gainful fashion?”

(A pause.)

You’re trying to say, did I work, you mean? “That is what the court would like to know. When is the last time you held a job?”

(A pause.)

“What is the job you held the last time you held a job?”

(A pause.)

There’s a star in the woodwork on the floor. Ain’t that funny? There’s a star on the woodwork floor. I used to think I might want to be a carpenter once, ain’t that funny? I used to think I might want to be a carpenter.

(Holding the broomstick like a microphone.)

This song goes out to little Tony…..

(He sings.)

If I were a carpenter, and you were my lady, would you marry me anyway, and have my….

(He rubs his eyes. Long pause.)

Yeah, your honor, I held a job. A job is hell. I held a job, the job got done, and no more job. It was a hospital for people in the war, a what do you call it, a hospital for veterans. Talking datewise, I really couldn’t tell you. Talking datewise, it was several years ago. “Before you started work at the hospital, the court has been given to understand that you drove a cab. Is that correct?”

I-vii

(In a kind of sing-song.)

I drove a cab, back and forth, I drove a cab. I did it as a favor for the Sarge. Two bucks an hour, twelve hours a day. I drove them all. Here and there. Now and then I took a big tip. Now and then I took a man in a dress, a woman in a robe, a woman with no hair, a man who stuck me up. Back and forth, back and forth. But you can’t go back, now, can you. Our magic drugs, they said, our magic drugs. My favorite word is PRNDL. P-R-N-D-L is my favorite word. I left a love child at home.

(Shouting.)

Call a doctor, I said, the kid is sick, go call a doctor. What, on your salary, she said. We can’t afford the last time he came.

(A long pause. Anthony licks his finger and snuffs out the candle.)

I knew it. I knew all along that guys like me were never meant to make it. It ain’t no one I blame. It ain’t no one person I blame. Where’s my buddies? Where’s Frenchy, where’s Precious, where’s good old Drifty? He’s the one I’d turn to when things got bad. “I run away from home when I was ten,” he said, “and I been runnin’ ever since.” They used to call me Little Ratty ‘cause they said I was sneaky, but I wasn’t no sneak, I was honest, even when it made me look bad, I was honest that way, I guess I got that much to be proud of I guess.

(A pause.)

All I wanted was a fair shake. No disrespect, your honor, but here I am, and all I did was nothing, and it wasn’t even what I did, it was what I didn’t do. I couldn’t get a doctor for little Tony, I couldn’t get him to a doctor….Guys like me, it don’t make no sense for us to have kids at all, the way life is. You think that maybe if it’s hard enough the kids will grow up tough. That’s what my Dad used to say and look where it got me, my little Tony, gone so soon….I never asked for nothing I couldn’t earn but some things just ain’t fair. And educated men like you don’t never have to deal with stuff that guys like me put up with, everybody just treats me like dirt. They tell you don’t give up until the other fellow blinks…but what’s the sense of trying to stare him down when he don’t even know you’re there?

(A long pause.)

He lives so far away from where you’re at that he don’t even know you’re there.

(A pause.)

Yeah, your honor, I drive a cab, maybe handle numbers on the side, take a bet, take ‘em to the track and if they win maybe they pay me for my trouble, maybe not. I don’t talk good. I know that. But still, it makes me feel kind of proud to see somebody write it down. I never knew how people felt when you tell ‘em something and they write it down. So sure, I take ‘em to the track, I don’t know, maybe scrounge some coin and place a bet or two myself, might as well, as long as I’m up there, I might as well. I used to sing a little. Go to bars, get a little liquored up. But now I can’t sing no more.

I-viii

(A pause.)

Driving a cab you get to meet a lot of people. All these years. You tell a joke or two and maybe if you got a little luck they come and see you when they put you in the ground. It’s nice to know they’ll come around and maybe look a little sad at the dirt they put you six feet under in. Maybe you think I have a lot of beefs. I don’t know. But lemme tell you something—once they slam that coffin lid, that’s all she wrote. I ain’t so hot for Bible stuff but something in there says, “To dust you shall return” and that’s just the way it is and anyone who says it ain’t, ain’t dealin’ with a deck of fifty-two.

(A pause. He stands.)

An old man at thirty-seven.

(He sings.)

I walk to myself and I talk to myself….

(In his natural voice.)

You know…the cops never picked me up for nothing I never done.

(In the voice of his wife.)

“Don’t you oh baby me,” she said, “don’t you oh baby me.”

(Flatly.)

The kid is sick. The kid is fuckin’ sick.

(In his natural voice.)

If it ain’t one damn thing it’s another.

(Shaking his head.)

Hmmm.

(Staring at the floor.)

Ain’t it funny how time slips away.

LIGHTS FADE.

(Confidingly.)

I go to Haymarket on Saturday afternoons. I go to Haymarket and they say, wait for the garbage wagon, wait for the garbage wagon, it’s on its way, wait for the swill wagon, here comes the garbage wagon, go over there and pick it up, pick up all that garbage. That’s what they say. I go to Haymarket and they say, there’s plums over there, there’s plums over there for the taking, there’s plums.

I-ix

(A pause.)

Whenever I fall asleep I think, better get on Mem. Drive, get over there on Mem. Drive, driver, there’s a bump on Mem. Drive that always wakes me up, there’s a bump over there on Mem. Drive that drives me crazy.

(A long pause.)

There is no love…without life. There is no life without love.

(A brief pause.)

In this clumsy world we all fall down in. In this clumsy world we all fall down. The world is not entirely to blame.

(A pause.)

The world…is not to blame.

(He lifts his head and smiles.)

FADE OUT.

THE INFORMATION #1031 FEBRUARY 8, 2019

THE INFORMATION #1031
FEBRUARY 8, 2019
Copyright 2019 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

An actor is a fool for God.–Gerardine Clark

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TWELVE: PART FORTY-EIGHT: THE EASTERN GATE OF PARADISE

When Billy Batchelder Tallent was sixteen, he underwent an awkward period typical of adolescence, in which he alternated between moody introspection and wildly dramatic and sometimes inexplicable acts of petty crime. It was during that year that he made an enemy of a boy named Andy Brassen, a somewhat effeminate pudgy chap whom Billy was convinced bore a distinct resemblance to Dickens’ Fat Boy. He had straw-blonde hair, was always impeccably dressed, and was said to have come from old money. He was rather popular with his peers for his dry wit and his devil-may-care insouciance. Every academic achievement seemed to come easily to him, while Billy had to study hard just to keep his head above water in the heady academic environment of the fourth form. At first, Billy could not understand why the boy seemed to hate him so much. Gradually, he realized that the wretched scion felt that he was superior to Billy, by virtue of his family name and his assured place within the aristocracy. Billy did, however, make a friend of another popular boy, Glen Phillips, a rather portly young man who had a precocious proclivity for brandy and fine cigars, and who also had a reputation as a great wit. 


One time Billy had been accused and convicted of some major bit of boyish mischief, involving the theft of a chicken from a nearby farmhouse, and was sentenced to be punished by the school disciplinary board, and possibly expelled. The whole school knew about it. As the Board met to consider their decision, Glen, a fifth former, sought Billy out, and told him that he felt like talking a walk by the sea shore and asked Billy if he cared to join him. There was a low-hanging fog which had enveloped the school grounds, and the forlorn hooting of tugboats pierced through the mist. Glen recited a few filthy sea shanties for the amusement of the despondent Billy. Billy’s gloom was lifted somewhat, and for that he was grateful. 
Glen saw that Billy was now in a receptive mood, and said, “I”m going to presume to give you a bit of advice, Mawny. You’re a funny guy, and have lots of personality, but sometimes it seems that you try too hard to be funny. It’s better to take it easy. Not everything you have to say is worth saying. You don’t want to overwhelm people. You have to develop a sense of timing. Pick and choose what you have to say. Your problem is that you slop over too much. You blurt things out. Here’s a tip: People don’t have to know what’s on your mind at all times. Maybe you think you can’t help yourself. But I know you can.  And maybe you think you can’t improve on your first thought. There’s a lot to be said for that. But sometimes it’s better to hold your tongue than to give out with a weak crack. People get tired of a person who can’t keep his mouth shut. They think him a fool. You don’t see Andy Brassen throwing away his pearls among swine. No, not him! He demands attention through the simple expedient of holding back until he has a corker.


“Another thing is that you’re always getting into mischief. What do you mean by stealing a chicken? Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? “


“That’s what I told them. It was just a prank.”


“Well, that’s fine, but if I were you, I would be more circumspect in the future. Just do what they tell you to do. Don’t talk back. Don’t make any waves. If you’re going to defy them, or break the rules, do it in secret. Don’t throw it up in their faces. Your classmates may admire you, but they won’t emulate you. They’ll simply sit back and let you be the fall guy, while they act all goody-good and get away with murder. Remember that night that horse was stolen from the stables, and it came back the next morning all lathered up and half-dead? Well, you didn’t hear it from me, but that was Andy Brassen. Everyone knows it, except the faculty and the headmaster. Reason being, Andy fawns all over the headmaster. Treats him like the great man he thinks he is. He’s very very wised-up that way. He’s no Don Quixote! No, he susses out who’s who and what’s what. He finds out who all the powerful people are, and straightaway he homes in on ’em like a busy bee. He tried that cute stunt with me, too, maybe because my Pa owns a newspaper. I don’t know why–his old man’s as rich as Croesus. His people made a pile of dough trading slaves out of Jamaica. They have vast holdings on Long Island, and they keep a mansion in Newport.   I just go ahead and let him think he has me flummoxed. But I’m onto his game. He’s a very shifty character, him. Just as nice as pie to anyone who might show him preferment, but hell on servants and horses. I’ve known him since he was a fag, and he’s always been that way. No growth potential there. That’s the way he is, and that’s the way he’ll always be, until he meets his untimely demise on account of his hubris. I’d stay out of his way if I were you. It would be all too easy for him to do you a mischief. He’s got most of the teachers wrapped around his little finger. 


“You’re going to run into people like that your whole life. Nobody wants a genius. They’re temperamental and unpredictable. No, Andy Brassen is smarter than smart. He’s the type of fellow who will go along to get along. His type always rise to the top. Like cream. Or scum, if you’d rather. About the only thing you can do to really hurt him is ignore him. Never give him a moment’s thought. Because once you do, he’s discovered your weakness, and you’ll never get quit of him. Why, you’ll probably be mumbling curses and threats against him on your deathbed–if you let him get to you.   


“As to why the fella hates you, don’t let that bother you none. It’s probably because he can’t figure you out. Or he’s jealous. Or maybe a little bit of both. Anyway, I hear he’s very fond of narcotics. And he doesn’t have much use for girls. They found him in his room one day with a jizz-soaked rag. They asked him what it was for, and he said it was a stage prop. That’s why some of the older boys call him ‘Barrymore.’   


1* SALUTATION

THE BYRDS.

“Eight Miles High.” Alternate version. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMlWhwlG7mo&app=desktop


ALSO SEE:

HUSKER DU

EIGHT MILES HIGHLIVE 1987

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeqyCwAeT3I  


2*REFERENCE

The Who: Their UK singles ranked!
www.theguardian.com/music/2019/jan/17/the-who-uk-singles-ranked  

3*HUMOR

THE FRIARS ROAST DON RICKLES

https://youtu.be/HYFPGYljeOk

4*NOVELTY

MAKE YOUR OWN HUMMUS

https://www.fromthegrapevine.com/israeli-kitchen/recipes/how-make-your-own-hummus 


5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST

25 THINGS AMERICANS DO IN MOVIES THAT BAFFLE WORLD AUDIENCES

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/frozen-peas-gaga-impact  

6* DAILY UTILITY

FRIENDLY BEAR KEPT MISSING BOY SAFE

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/jan/28/three-year-old-boy-missing-in-woods-for-two-days-says-friendly-bear-kept-him-safe  

7*CARTOON

TEN LONG-FORGOTTEN GIRL COMICS

flashbak.com/10-long-forgotten-mid-century-girl-comics-377398/  

8*PRESCRIPTION

JACK LONDON

TO BUILD A FIRE

http://london.sonoma.edu/writings/LostFace/fire.html  


9* RUMOR PATROL

NUMBER ONE CONSPIRACY THEORY 

There’s a lot of loose talk going around about the Kennedy Incident, but did it ever occur to you, my skeptical friends, that maybe Jack Ruby really was a troubled bachelor who was very very fond of his dogs and he killed Oswald to spare Beautiful Jackie the humiliation of a public trial? 


ALSO SEE: 
FIVE MOST DISTURBING CONSPIRACY THEORIES 

Robert Mueller is a demon, and also a pedophile

Jones has reserved some of his harshest vitriol for Trump’s enemies, in particular special counsel Robert Mueller.

“He is now the king of the swamp,” Jones said of Mueller in a broadcast in the fall of 2017, according to Media Matters. After briefly claiming that the late Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., was the real leader of the Democratic Party, Jones said Mueller was “the literal swamp king creature come to kill America.”

Jones took his attacks up a notch a year later.

“Everyone’s so scared of Mueller, they’d let Mueller rape kids in front of people, which he did,” Jones said in July. He hedged the claim later in the broadcast, noting that “the word is he doesn’t have sex with kids, he just controls it all. Can you imagine being a monster like that?”

Jones then threatened to “take down” the former Marine, who is now leading the investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election.

“That’s a demon I will take down, or I’ll die trying,” he said. “So that’s it. It’s going to happen, we’re going to walk out in the square, politically, at high noon, and he’s going to find out whether he makes a move man, make the move first, and then it’s going to happen. It’s not a joke. It’s not a game. It’s the real world. Politically. You’re going to get it, or I’m going to die trying, bitch.”

That claim led to increased pressure on social media companies.
www.cnbc.com/2018/09/14/alex-jones-5-most-disturbing-ridiculous-conspiracy-theories.html  

10*LAGNIAPPE

BOWIE/ENO/GLASS

V2 SCHNEIDERhttps://youtu.be/1nt-uar6OZg

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA

YUBAN: THE SECOND CUP OF COFFEE

https://youtu.be/MJ4kCF22O2w

ALSO SEE:

AIRPLANE! THE SECOND CUP OF COFFEE

https://youtu.be/T510giCohSw

*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED

ABBOTT. AHMED. ***

AQUAMAN: TEMPEST. **1/2

AVENGERS 1. THE FINAL HOST. AARON. ****

BATMAN: THE COURT OF OWLS SAGA. ****

BATMAN: THE GOLDEN AGE 1. ***

BATMAN: THE GOLDEN AGE 2. *** 

BATMAN: THE GOLDEN AGE 3. *** 
BIG BAD IRONCLAD! HALE. ****

BLACKWOOD. DORKIN. ***1/2

THE BRAIN. WOOLLCOTT & GRAUDINS. ***1/2

CALLING HIS SHOT. TERRELL & GARCIA. **1/2

COMPLETE DICK TRACY 11. 1947-48. ****

DARK STAR RISING. LACHMAN. ****

EMPIRE. FERGUSON. ****

ESOTERIC HOLLYWOOD. DYER. ****

THE HIGHEST HOUSE. CASEY. ****1/2

I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES TO WORK IN ANIMATION. NOUIROGAT. ****

INJUSTICE 2. VOLUME 4. ****

JIM HENSON’S LABYRINTH: CORONATION. ***

LOST IN SPACE 1. COUNTDOWN TO DANGER. **1/2

MEND. RECCA. ***

MUSICAL TRUTH. DEVLIN. ****

THE MYSTERY LOVER’S BOOK OF QUOTATIONS. HORNING. ****

ONE-PUNCH MAN 15. ONE. ****

ONE DEAD SPY. HALE. ****

RAID OF NO RETURN. HALE. ****

RIGOROUS INTUITION. WELLS. ****

ROGUE & GAMBIT: RING OF FIRE. ***

STAIRWAY 1. HAWKINS. ****

TALES FROM LA VIDA. ALDAMA, ED. ***1/2

THAT KID: THE STORY OF JERRY LEWIS. GEHMAN. ****1/2

THESE TRUTHS. LEPORE. ****

VALIANT HIGH. **1/2

X-FILES. CASE FILES. **1/2

12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE

POLITICIANS I HAVE MET
John Anderson. At a 1980 campaign rally. I shook his hand. A bit too hard. He winced.


Pat Caddell, the pollster. I worked for him during the 1980 Carter Campaign. He very likely knew a good five weeks in advance that Carter was a gone goose.

Joe Kennedy Jr. At a campaign debate. I avoided him. He shook the hands of everyone in the room, including me, even though I was standing in back of the room. His hand was cold and doughy.

James Roosevelt III. He produced a comic book derogating the accomplishments of “Young Joe.” I complimented him on its effectiveness. 

Mayor Vellucci. At some sort of local political event. He told me that just after WWII, soldiers returning to Cambridge found temporary accommodations in house trailers.

Eugene McCarthy. He was reading his poetry at a literary event.

Betsy Dennigan. RI State Rep. My ex-wife’s cousin. I stuffed envelopes for her.

Grover Norquist. Went to college with him. An odd little fellow.

Charlie Baker. He was in my class in college. He hung out with the jacks. 

Rep. Phillip English (R-PA). Went to high school with him. A very witty fellow.

I met Buddy Cianci for the first time when he was holding a press conference in the wake of the disastrous Who concert in Cincinnati. He announced the cancellation of their appearance in Providence with a somewhat incoherent speech. I drew a cruel caricature of him. A TV cameraman was startled by this behavior. 

And then there was the time I got picked up hitch-hiking by a fellow who claimed he ran in the Rhode Island Republican Gubernatorial Primary in 1980. Against…Buddy Cianci. He told me that “if you go to Church on First Friday, you will get your haht’s desiuh.” I recounted this anecdote to my friend’s mother and she said, “That’s true!”

Bernie Sanders, when he was at the Harvard Kennedy School. Multiple times. I was working in the library.

I worked at HKS Library for 20 years. Not sure there’s any other pol I’d particularly like to meet. Except maybe Cory Booker. I’d like to ask him some inside dirt about his former opponent, Sharpe James.


I wonder how he felt when James drove around with a bullhorn truck which shouted “He ain’t black! He ain’t black!”https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Street_Fight_(film) 

ALSO SEE:

BUDDY CIANCI

Allegedly, Buddy Cianci hated the Cardi’s furniture guys.

https://youtu.be/qT1loNtyopM


That’s all I heard. From my father-in-law. I suspect he was in a position to know. They hogged the limelight. Too much airtime and billboard space, is my guess.


My father-in-law John Patrie passed away in December of 2007. Things may have changed since then, since, in 2014:
“State Rep. John Carnevale, D-Providence, a retired Providence police officer, also contributed $1,000. Other $1,000 contributors to Cianci are William J. Gilbane, of Gilbane Construction, and Nicholas Cardi, co-owner of Cardi’s Furniture Stores.”

www.providencejournal.com/article/20141009/NEWS/310099992

This is an interesting article.
www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/one-crazy-hour-with-buddy-cianci-43395/

THE INFORMATION #1030 FEBRUARY 1, 2019

THE INFORMATION #1030
FEBRUARY 1, 2019
Copyright 2019 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Nobody laughs at a clown at midnight.–Lon Chaney

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TWELVE: PART FORTY-SEVEN: THE EASTERN GATE OF PARADISE

At the end of his Third Form year, under the tutelage of Brother John,
a soft-spoken Monk whom many regarded as a “softie,” William
Batchelder Tallent betrayed some skill as a literary savant.
Encouraged by “Long” Geoffrey Monmouth Long, the editor of the
school’s modest literary magazine, THE HAWK, and, having recently read
the New Testament in Greek, Billy submitted an untitled piece which Long
suggested be called “The Dialogue of the Four Realms”.

There was a thought by the faculty adviser, Brother John, that the
manuscript, once typeset, might better be left unpublished in the
Hawk, but Geoffrey Long insisted it be included. As a compromise, he
allowed it to be set in smaller type and published in the back of the
magazine. As a further compromise, he allowed Brother John to change
all references of “God” to “G-d.”

Billy was quite proud of the piece. Even many years later, he always
kept a copy of it close at hand–though he wasn’t sure why. Even he
himself wasn’t quite sure what it was–was it a story? A play? A poem?
Or, as the titled implied, a “prophecy.” But…a prophecy of what,
exactly?

THE DIALOGUE OF THE FOUR REALMS: A PROPHECY

καὶ συνήγαγεν αὐτοὺς εἰς τὸν τόπον τὸν καλούμενον Ἑβραϊστὶ Ἁρμαγεδών.—Rev. 16:16

I AM

I am Mawny Tallent.
Prophet Of All.
I go by many names.
Cub The Lion Cub.
Mr. Hard Cheese.
Goslin.
Khthon.
Ocean Tide.
Maledicta.
Black Bear.
Tyger Tyger.
These Are But Some of My True Names.
They Fight Among Themselves.
O How They Fight!

THE WAR ON EARTH
I AM
I am David Horace Hawkeye Jones of Vermont.
The Thought That Precedes Creation.
Mohawk Indian.
Shell Diving Boy.
Chief Sitting Bull Seen By His Nation.
I Stiffen The Sinews.
I am Water And Lightning.
I am a Light Left by the Moon As Night Falls Like A Bright Golden Star.
Mother Earth Is Our Creator.
Spirit Of Life.
Soon A Large Flood Along The Mississippi.

I AM
I am Behemoth Pachyderm of New York.
Calculate the Name.
There Are Spots In My Feast.
I Rend Thy Flesh.
Soon I Will Become A Seed.
Your Fears Will Be Unleashed.
Eye Of Ra.
Evil Brought To Life.
I Am G-d And I Don’t Take Advice.
Hidden Books Hold The Truth.
The Secret Key.
Hexagram.
Nine Is The Key.
Feel My Heat Take You Higher.
Sirius! Sirius! Sirius!

THE WAR IN LIMBO
I AM
I am Brian Cowalk of Boston Town.
Me in My Cradle.
Gentle Hearted Meek And Mild.
What Is Up? What Is Down?
Are The Planets Even Real?
Dogs Fear Lightning.
Zeus Has Killed Greater Dogs Than Me.
I Don’t Think It Is My Mind That Tells Me This.
I Renounce All Thy Works.
O Happy Day!

I AM
They call me Matt Yaseen of Wisconsin and Nebraska and Kansas.
So Terribly Lonely.
Nothing That The Hospital Is Doing Is Helping.
It’s So Easy To Pretend To Care.
I Am So D–n Tired.
Honey Mouth Doctors Are Liars Claiming To Be Advising Me.
I’ve Been In Pain For All Eternity.
The Pain Is Seven Hundred Fold.
The Lion Marks The Life That I Have.
Thirsty. O G-d I’m thirsty.
They Say It Will Kill Me But They Won’t Say When.

THE WAR IN HELL
I AM
I am Slam Brannigan From Ginny Gall.
The Goolie Punch Guy.
Dirty Fallen Idol.
Bloody Blue Blazes!
I hate the fact that I exist.
Men Call Me the Black Left Eye.
They Are All In Cahoots.
I Can Expose Them.
I Cannot Stop Them.
I Blundered.
A Killer Is In Me.
But I Never Did Become A Murderer Amen.
Yea, Verily, That Feels Real Good.
I Only Kill Yekkmen That Threaten My Life.
Take A Gamble.
I Can Make It All Go Away.
Face Of The Lion.
Run Run Run or The Pateroll’ll Get You.

I AM
I am The Blood Red Spider from Beluthahatchie.
The Minotaur.
Self Centered and Selfish.
He Who Endureth All Things.
The Man in the Box.
The Man in the Mask.
G-d Among Men.
The G-d of This Age.
Don’t Fence Me In.
I Demand Worship.
Serpents Feel No Love.
I Eat Venom For Breakfast.
Possessed By Monsters.
Father Saturn.
Er Beisst Sich Durch Die Trennenden Hüllen Durch.
Das Geheimnis Eines Glücklichen Lebens Liegt In Der Entsagung.
Das Ende des Endes.
The Dance Of Death.
Abominable Leader.
I Aid The Abuse Men.
And Now The Planet Bleeds and Burns.
And There Will Be Hell on Earth.
Door! Door! Door!

THE WAR IN HEAVEN
I AM
I am Jimmy Churchman of Elohim City.
Saturn Is False.
Renounce Relentless Blasphemies From So-Called Christians.
If G-d Says Don’t Do It Don’t Do It.
Remember Thou The Sabbath To Keep It Holy.
False G-ds Should Vanish.
Messiah Is Coming.
Soon a Cleansing.
G-d’s Holy Resurrection.
With An Iron Rod.
Sea Water Raised.
It Isn’t The People’s Business.
Iniquity Of The Amorites.
Binds Them To The Coming Destruction.
I Fight The Abominable Fiend.
His Completely Absurd Blasphemies.
He Is Diabolic Liar And Thief.
Men of Sodom.
Cradle Of Filth.
G-d Says No.
So It Begins.
The Flood Of Noah.

I AM
I am Jennifer Lens of Canaan.
The Chosen Of G-d.
Protecting Innocence.
Little Lamb.
Protecting The Innocent.
G-d Bless Thee.
Killing The Shadows.
I Am The Angel That Cries For The Suffering Of All!
Exquisite Daughter Of Elohim.
The Holy Spirit Is Helping.
The Lamb Shall Overcome Them.
Her Light Lasts Forever.
Christ’s Blood.
G-d Of Peace Changed All.
G-d Of This Age.
Fixed Destiny.
Her Mission Is To Save Us.
Greatness Come.

“The Dialogue of the Four Realms” flew directly over the heads of the
student body, distressed most of the lay faculty, and confounded all
of the Priests and Monks. The Headmaster called Billy in and asked him
where he got such notions. Billy was puzzled as to how to reply. He
said that he had been accumulating little snatches of dialogue for
quite some time; that, sometimes, when he sat down at his desk to
study, the ideas just “came” to him. The headmaster said nothing, but
later praised him for his “zanny” wit. Billy was quite pleased.  Until
one day, when reading Dante and browsing an Italian Dictionary, he
discovered that a Zanni was a popular figure in the Commedia
dell’arte, as a type of a lowly immigrant, servant and trickster.

“Touche,” he thought. “He’s got me down. Maybe he’s not as dumb as I
thought. But…at least I’m popular.”

1* SALUTATION
HOLY MODAL ROUNDERS
SILLY BOYS
Brawny men carry or throw a sperm-shaped ball through the spread legs
of a goalpost? Seems pretty masculine to me.
https://youtu.be/MpmDJwzDRYk

ALSO SEE:
TODD RUNDGREN
EMPEROR OF THE HIGHWAY
https://youtu.be/V7u1f-tGLHQ

2*REFERENCE
HIDDEN RULES AMONG CLASSES
https://www.wordonthestreets.net/Articles/481670/Hidden_rules_among.aspx

ALSO SEE:
MISCEGENATION NATION
sparrowmeto.wordpress.com/2017/03/21/miscegenation-and-anti-miscegenation-laws-what-is-this-about/
psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Miscegenation
56608592.weebly.com/an-introduction-to-miscegenation.html
www.counter-currents.com/2010/09/miscegenation-the-morality-of-death/
mattwilson32.wordpress.com/tag/anti-miscegenation-laws/
wathepeople.blogspot.com/2015/11/miscegenation-in-nadir_2.html
knowyourmeme.com/memes/people/a-wyatt-mann
disenchantedscholar.wordpress.com/2016/12/08/anti-miscegenation-propaganda-from-sjws/

3*HUMOR
S. J. Perelman, one of the great old New Yorker humorists, had the
pleasure of reading Vreeland’s “Why Don’t You” pieces when they were
brand new. In April, 1938, he was moved to a rebuttal. A couple of
choice slices:

“If a perfectly strange lady came up to you on the street and demanded
‘Why don’t you travel with a little raspberry-colored cashmere blanket
to throw over yourself in hotels and trains?’ the chances are that you
would turn on your heel with dignity and hit her with a bottle. Yet
that is exactly what has been happening for the past twenty months in
the pages of a little raspberry-colored magazine called Harper’s
Bazaar

“The first time I noticed this ‘Why Don’t You?’ department was a year
ago last August while hungrily devouring news of the midsummer Paris
openings. Without any preamble came the stinging query ‘Why don’t you
rinse your blond child’s hair in dead champagne, as they do in France?
Or pat her face gently with cream before she goes to bed, as they do
in England?’ After a quick look into the nursery I decided to let my
blond child go to hell her own way, as they do in America …”

Just one more: “‘Why don’t you try the effect of diamond roses and
ribbons flat on your head, as Garbo wears them when she says goodbye
to Armand in their country retreat?’ asked Miss Sly Boots in a low,
thrilling voice.” Perelman describes how he took up this suggestion;
it ended badly.

4*NOVELTY
THE GEORGIA GUIDESTONES
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_Guidestones

A message consisting of a set of ten guidelines or principles is
engraved on the Georgia Guidestones in eight different languages, one
language on each face of the four large upright stones. Moving
clockwise around the structure from due north, these languages are:
English, Spanish, Swahili, Hindi, Hebrew, Arabic, Traditional Chinese,
and Russian.

Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
Guide reproduction wisely — improving fitness and diversity.
Unite humanity with a living new language.
Rule passion — faith — tradition — and all things with tempered reason.
Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
Balance personal rights with social duties.
Prize truth — beauty — love — seeking harmony with the infinite.
Be not a cancer on the earth — Leave room for nature — Leave room for nature.

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
THE BEST A MAN CAN GET? NOT REALLY.
Have you seen the Gillette commercial about treating your womenfolk
with dignity and respect?
https://youtu.be/koPmuEyP3a0

Since when do makers of bargain-basement face-scrapers get to weigh in
on male/female relations? It all seems a bit…messianic?

What’s next:
Hot Pockets for Nuclear Disarmament?
Canada Dry declares war on Islamic terrorism?
Absolut Vodka speaks out against female circumcision?
Andy Capp’s Hot Fries for eliminating malaria?

6* DAILY UTILITY
CAROL DWECK
WHAT EVERY CHURCH MEMBER SHOULD KNOW
https://youtu.be/cRs24PCVjA0

7*CARTOON
FLIRTY FISHING
www.xfamily.org/index.php/Flirty_Fishing?fbclid=IwAR2EdSwYnAJzn-yinU_drZer_BCkXJ6GhIUbI6KBlXiMmtFY-hr4ffQqa74

8*PRESCRIPTION
What do car salesmen do on cold rainy days when nobody is coming to buy a car?
Larry Golden

It’s called the dope ring. When I was in the car business it was
mandatory to work bell to bell each day. 12 hours is a long day, so if
it was slow… a certain number of guys chose to spend their time in the
dope ring.

While most would lead you to believe that the typical salesman’s day
is filled with productive activities such as calling up prospects,
getting to know inventory, making follow up calls, researching cars
etc etc. Much of the day was actually spent hanging out in the dope
circle AKA dope ring.

This is essentially a group of guys huddled up – perhaps in a circle –
standing around talking and shooting the shit for hours at a time.

This is usually not the place where sales are made or cultivated.
However it is easier to hang out there than make difficult phone calls
or do research.

General activities included but were not limited to the following:

joking
talking
singing
rapping
arguments
horseplay
listening to music
playing on the cell phone
general shenanigans
pacing around

So this leads to the part where you shake your head in disbelief and
say where was the management at? Why wasn’t the place run better?

Well, it’s hard to maintain order and strict rule over a bunch of guys
who you are paying absolutely nothing unless they sell something. So
sometimes the managers actually joined in – they were bored too.
Ahhhhh, good ole full commissioned sales….. brings back memories.

9* RUMOR PATROL
GEMATRIA CALCULATOR
https://www.gematrix.org/

ALSO SEE:
NELSON ALGREN’S RULES
Never play cards with a man called Doc.

Never eat a place called Mom’s.

Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.

Never let nobody talk you into shaking another man’s jolt. And never
you cop another man’s plea. I’ve tried them all and I know. They don’t
work.

Life is hard by the yard, son. But you don’t have to do it by the
yard. By the inch it’s a cinch. And money can’t buy everything. For
example: poverty.
blog.kenficara.com/2013/11/17/the-original-walk-on-the-wild-side/

10*LAGNIAPPE
MOTT THE HOOPLE
ALL THE WAY TO MEMPHIS
https://youtu.be/a3gp_IqtHTo

ALSO SEE:
JUGHEAD’S RAP VERSION OF SUGAR SUGAR
https://youtu.be/XBojt6fDVvw

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
MAFIA COMEDIAN
Hi, my name is Joey Aceto. But you can call me what the Feds call me:
“Hey, you! You’re under arrest!”

I’m a Mafia comedian. I don’t say nuthin’ to nobody.

I see we got some made men in the audience tonight…Big
Tuna…Icepick Willie…Cadillac Frank…
Crazy Joey…and howzabout a big hand for Gyp the Blood!

Funny thing. my girlfriend had dis parrot. He threatened to talk. So I
left a sea horse’s head in his seed box!

Dis girl of mine. She said “I can’t marry you, Vinegar Joe. You’re
nothing but a an ignorant thug.”
So I says to her, I says, “Say dat one more time, sister, and I’ll
smash yuh in the kisser with
a two-by-four!”

Whew. Tough crowd. REAL tough. I’m dyin’ up here. No, Louie–put the
gun away! It’s a figure of speech.

Talk about tough. Last week I was doin’ a set in Chicago, and I
killed. I mean, I really killed. After the show,
a couple of the boys from the Syndicate told me to go out and wax the
Club Owner!

Last month I was in Atlantic City. You want tough? Man, that place is
REALLY tough. After the
set, I figured I’d go down to the Hotel Casino and play a friendly
game of cards. I told the
blackjack player to hit me–and he did! With a black jack! Next thing
I know, I wake up in an alley!
And it wasn’t Park Place–more like Mediterranean Avenue, if you get my drift.

And now I’d like to welcome a special guest–the one youse all been
waitin’ for–the one, the
only Don Corleone, and his hilarious impression of Johnny Fontaine!

No, but seriously. The Don is a great man, a really really great man.
He didn’t pay me to say that.
He just told me it would be too bad if somethin’ happened to my brother!

Thank you, thank you! I’m here all week…or until my parole officer catches me!

Oh–and try the omerta. It’s the best in the city.

What’s that? You want more? How do you like that? Just when I thought I was
out–they pull me back in!

12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
What are the giveaways that you shouldn’t trust someone?
By Becky Blanton

I’m fortunate in that I had both CIA and FBI training (as a police
officer) in body language and interrogations. So I have an edge. I
have some NLP training and other professional training by people who
do deep background and security checks on high-level clearances. This
is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s quite a science, but this should
give the average person more than enough information and tips to use
to determine if a person is trustworthy.

The basic giveaways are NOT, as most believe, a person not being able
to look you in the eyes, etc. Great con men rock the eye connection
and other common myths. They’re practiced, smooth and charming and
charismatic as hell. Even the pros (CIA, FBI, Cops etc.) are sometimes
taken in by them. So, the giveaways for me are:

Guts. What does your instinct tell you? If you practice listening to
and acting on your instinct and you KNOW that still quiet voice
inside, it is always 100% correct. If you start doubting it, second
guessing it, you’ll muddy the waters and be wrong 50% of the time.
Learn to use, listen to and act on your intuition until you get it
right. It takes time, but it’s the best predictor out there. Every
great cop I know has razor sharp intuition – to the point of being
psychic at times.

Love bombing. This is the giveaway of the century but most people
refuse to believe they’re being love bombed. Cults use it, pastors use
it, all groups use it, and con men and women use it. Love bombing is
where someone or some group or organization tells you how smart,
talented, special, or gifted you are. You’ll get a steady stream of
comments and compliments that are designed to make you feel special,
welcomed, part of the organization or a desirable partner, date, or
whatever. It is the secret weapon of narcissists too. Love Bombing: A
Narcissist’s Secret Weapon. You’re generally showered with affection,
gifts, access to things others don’t have – either access to a person,
place, information, data or an exclusive right. All new relationships
can be exciting, but if your new “friend” is suddenly texting,
emailing, calling and filling your inbox with messages, then be
suspicious, very suspicious.

The person starts asking for things, favors (usually small at first),
or access, or things you generally don’t give to people until you’ve
known them for a while. In other words, they start creating a
relationship where you say yes to things you’re not really comfortable
saying yes to, but they’re not such big things that you feel justified
saying no to, so you say yes, but feel uneasy about doing so. This is
how untrustworthy people groom you for saying “yes” to things you
would never agree to if you weren’t groomed – meaning your tolerance
level is raised – like a frog in a pot of water – the heat is turned
up so gradually the frog is boiled alive, never knowing what happened.

The person does NOT like hearing the word “no,” or being rebuffed.
They won’t go ballistic, but simply act annoyed or miffed, or
offended. It’s like they’ve never been told “no,” before. You’ll
almost feel the chill set in – like you’re being punished by having
boundaries.

They want to know “everything” about you – but not really. What
they’re looking for are clues about how to manipulate you – what you
like, what you fear, what are your weak spots, your strong suits, your
vulnerabilities. They get agitated when you have healthy boundaries or
don’t want to share that information early in the relationship.
They don’t respect your boundaries, or they keep “forgetting” the
boundary and reoffending you. Like, I don’t like cigarettes or being
around smokers. The untrustworthy person will quickly put their smokes
away the first time I mention it, but then later will pull out their
cigarettes again, then say, “OH. That’s right. I almost forgot you
really hate cigarettes,” and put them away, but their tone is one of
guilting me, or heavy and carries a sense of their being put out to
accommodate me.

They don’t respect your property. If they borrow something they don’t
treat it with respect and don’t offer to fix or replace things they
break. It’s almost like they have to leave your stuff in a worse
condition than when they borrowed it, and act offended if you make an
issue of it. If they borrow your car they’ll return it with less gas
in it than it had when they borrowed it, and it’ll be dirtier inside
and out than when they drove off.

They hate kids. No, not just dislike. or feel uncomfortable around –
they have a strong dislike of kids. Kids see through their bullshit so
they prefer to avoid your children. If they do act like they like your
kids, your kids won’t like them…generally. They will love bomb your
kids to get them to like them, but it all feels weird IF you’re paying
attention.

Your pets don’t like them. Say what you want about dogs and pets who
growl, run, hide, or avoid people, but if you have an animal who shows
fear or avoids this person – listen to them. They know.

They share intimate details of their friend’s lives, but never of
their own. They gossip. They want to know details of YOUR life, but
rarely share anything from their life. The things they do share sound
scripted – like they’ve told them a thousand times.

They bully or ignore those who they can’t use. Take them to lunch and
watch how they treat the waiter or waitress. If they are dismissive,
rude, or condescending, they’re not to be trusted.

Their “affect” is screwed up. This can happen legitimately with people
with personality disorders or mental illness, but psychopaths and
sociopaths don’t think, feel, or respond to human emotion like normal
people. They just seem a little “off,” like no one ever explained how
healthy relationships or common courtesies works.

They never introduce you to their friends or family. Most con-men
don’t want you having any way to track them down when things go south.

They tend to be loners, or “too busy” for relationships (except for
someone as special as you!) and will either avoid conversations about
their family, or have incredibly detailed stories about their family,
but almost never have photos.

They like to dominate you, the relationship, the situation, the
problem-solving, the project, the job, the task, the date etc..They’re
very, very, very, very into being top dog in all aspects of your
relationship – whether personal or professional.

How to Spot a Sociopath in 3 Steps
How they talk. This is where my training comes in, but you can still
read a lot about the conversations of untrustworthy people. (1) they
rush the conversation. That means they don’t give you time to think
about what they’ve said or are asking – as though if they did you’d
realize they’re untrustworthy. (2) watch their actions, not their
words. The two rarely jibe. Always trust your instinct here, and watch
what they DO, not what they say. (3) They avoid answering the
question. They’re masters of the redirect – appearing to answer your
questions, but not really answering them. You’ll feel like they said
something important, but it rarely answers the question.
Ask about past jobs and relationships. If they blame others, their old
boss, their old girlfriend/boyfriend, and everything bad that happens
to them is someone else’s fault, then back off. You’ll be the next
person they blame – whether you deserve it or not.

Untrustworthy people will have some or all of these traits. Always
take time to get to know someone before letting them into your life,
your home, and your vulnerabilities. Honest relationships worth having
are worth waiting for. Don’t get swept off of your feet with a
vacation date, or someone you meet at a public event. If it’s real, it
will last if you move slow. If you feel pressured, uneasy, suspicious,
doubtful – trust your feelings. Your intuition is speaking. Too many
women end up robbed, murdered and abused every year because they were
desperate for attention, love, or whatever these con men offered.
Don’t become a statistic. It’s better to live alone than die at the
hands of a con man.

THE INFORMATION #1029 JANUARY 25, 2019

THE INFORMATION #1029 
JANUARY 25, 2019
Copyright 2019 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Older boys were allowed to beat younger ones at my 15th-century English boarding school, and every boy had to run a five-mile annual steeplechase through the sludge and rain of an October day, as horses do. We wrote poems in dead languages and recited the Lord’s Prayer in Latin every Sunday night. –Pico Iyer


WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TWELVE: PART FORTY-SIX: THE EASTERN GATE OF PARADISE

“Long” Geoffrey Monmouth Long at first encouraged Billy Batchelder Tallent to attend the ether parties held each Friday in the Piney Woods, but, with the beginning of the second term of Billy’s Third Form year, one Sunday afternoon after Church and Luncheon, the Sixth Former decided that the time had come to summon Billy to join him on a long walk by the beach, in order to have a serious talk with his young protege.


The sky above the ocean was a sere, cloudless grey. As they walked along the shore and the ocean waves plashed and roared, Geoffrey lit his Meerschaum pipe and Billy lighted the corncob pipe which he still affected, despite Geoffrey’s frequent, good-natured remonstrations.


“Look, Scout,” he said, “these frolics we have are all very well and good for blowing off a little steam, but you had better not let the frolicking habit get the best of you, because your mind is really all you got, in the end. Me, I plan to be a doctor, and I know full well that in medicine, or in any profession, you have got to have your wits about you at all times if you’re going to trounce the competition. Now, let me be frank. Everybody says that you have loads of personality, and they like you, because that’s like a breath of fresh air in this dump, but they also whisper that you might not be the sharpest sword in the scabbard. Now, the way you get ahead of all the smarties who don’t study overmuch is to really apply yourself, until you know everything there is to know about a subject–then you can knock the props right out from under those prigs. They may not like you as much–they may not want to chum around with you anymore–but they will respect you. 


“Quite frankly, friends and family are overrated. It’s connections that you need to make. If you can impress a man with what you know, he will write your name down in his little black book for later. You will never be allowed to rise to the very top, because your family name is not the top of the line, but at the very least you can become indispensable to those in that mob who see a genuine use for you. And here’s one more thing, Injun–never sell yourself short. Never say aloud what you happen to think about your own shortcomings. There are plenty of people who are happy to do that for you. Don’t feed ’em. Get me? 


“So sure, you’re a real personality around here. And that’s all right. But personality can only get you so far. You’re playing a lone game. If you want it to be a long game, you got to learn not to show your hand too early. Keep ’em guessing. Let ’em think that there’s more to you than appears on the surface. And cultivate that surface. You have got to get your Paw to send you some money to buy you some better clothes. And a decent pipe. You still look like a hayseed. And that’s how they’ll treat you, if you don’t watch out. They’ll leave you out of everything, if you give them the slightest excuse. Believe me, I know. Say, what’s your Paw do, anyway?”


“Well…I guess you could call him a gentleman farmer. Horses, mostly.” 


“Never say you ‘guess’. It’s the sign of a weak sister. You either know or you don’t.”


“Well, I suppose you’d say he was just a horse-farmer if you wanted to be mean about it. But most of his hosses are thoroughbreds. He’s made some pretty savvy trades over the years. He knows more about hosses than anybody, I reckon. He can look at hoss tracks and tell you whether it’s a gelding or a mare. He can look at the way a horse is chewing and can tell whether he’s healthy or he has to have a tooth cut back.”


“And what did his father do?”


“Well…I suppose he was a Stonemason. We come from a long line of Masons.”


“That’s good to know. But keep it under your hat. Lots of folks hereabouts don’t cotton to Masons.” 


“Anyway, my father, he’s a whizz with horses. But he’s always complaining about the men he has to do business with. The suppliers. ‘Suppliers are liars,’ says he. “They’ll cheat you if they can.’


“He’s right. Nearly all men in that business will cheat you if they can. That’s the way of the world. The same goes for people in general. They have a nasty tendency to take credit for your work and push themselves to the front of the line. You don’t have to do business like them–it’s better if you don’t–but you have to be aware of how they do. Don’t funk it, but take no guff. That’s my formula. Call them out, in private if possible, because no man will forgive you for impugning his honor in public, but don’t let them get away with anything. That’s a law of nature.


“Now, listen here, Bill. I’m going to talk to you like a Dutch Uncle. There are certain things you have got to learn if you’re going to fit in around here, and maybe even become one of the head boys. First off–your manners. You go at your victuals like a starving hog. It won’t do. You have got to learn to chew your food slowly. And practice taking deep breaths between swallers. Or else other fellers will think you’re a bounder. They won’t say it–but they’ll think it. You’re not starving. Don’t slurp your soup. Don’t eat the fat off the chicken. Leave a little food on your plate. There’ll be plenty more tomorrow.


“And here’s another thing. Don’t let them make their problems into your problems. Call them out about it. And, if you can’t, then try to be diplomatic. Tell them if something doesn’t ‘please’ them, you will ‘try’ to change it. That way, you make the bastards believe you’ll do something about it, even if you have no intention of doing so. Furthermore, there’s a lot of nutty people out there who want everything just so. They’re not going to get it, but it just doesn’t do to call them idiots to their faces. And do you let nothing on your face betray your true thoughts. Smile. Or, at the very least, show them your poker face. They don’t need to see what you hold in your hand. Especially if it’s garbage. Make ’em sweat to pry the truth out of you. Most of all, don’t make fun of the school traditions like you’ve been doing. Nothing upsets the teachers more. Don’t ask me why. They’re old, is what I figure. They think they’re doing something right. They place high value on schooling and education because that’s like their club. If someone went to the same school they did, they figure that the person must be all right.

‘Ristocrats, you see, at bottom are lazy. Any hard work that has to be done, they’ve learned how to get someone else to do it–preferably for free. And any hard thinking they have to do, they’ve learned to ask somebody else what they think. Usually a professional. And any sizing up of a stranger they have to do–why, they would just as soon take a short-cut. Reputation means nothing to a fellow like you. But it means everything to them. So don’t let on that your Paw is a horse trader from some jerkwater hamlet in the backwoods. If they happen to ask, just happen to mention that he’s a plantation owner. Make up a fancy name for it, like…, uhh, Beneventum, or Belle Meade, or Rossmere. And talk about your ‘legacy.’ That’s the sort of thing that will win you friends among that bunch. Or at least, connections. Just happen to casually mention that summer you spent in England, and your holidays in France, and that private island your Pappy owns in Ontario. And most of all, stop using that word ‘nigger’. It’s vulgar. Be much more formal. Say, ‘Our Negro brethren,” or  ‘our dusky compatriots,’ or ‘our Senegambian Friends.’ It will give you an air of refinement. Now, I’m sure they feel exactly the same way about niggers as you do. But they never talk about it so openly as to use that word.”  


Geoffrey took his pipe out of his mouth for a moment to reflect. 


“Great God! I wish I’d had somebody to tell me what I just told you!

“1* SALUTATION

ARCHIE BELL & THE DRELLS

TIGHTEN UP

https://youtu.be/Wro3bqi4Eb8
ALSO SEE:

THERE’S GONNA BE A SHOWDOWN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3Q4szMX4v8


MY BALLOON’S GOING UP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWbQ8TEn1qs


DO THE HAND JIVE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1ZBWd8cPmw

HERE I GO AGAIN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EciMesBeNDs

ALSO SEE:BLOOD’S A ROVER

https://books.google.com/books?id=NWYsJ4rxWNEC&pg=PA202&lpg=PA202&dq=ARCHIE+BELL+AND+THE+DRELLS+%22JAMES+ELLROY%22&source=bl&ots=K0CNa-OqrN&sig=C6XPdC0Di1YKxY6r05TIMJlekHQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwicopjb7eXfAhVGwFkKHUVLDMAQ6AEwBHoECAMQAQ#v=onepage&q=ARCHIE%20BELL%20AND%20THE%20DRELLS%20%22JAMES%20ELLROY%22&f=false

2*REFERENCE

RUSSIAN PRISON TATTOOS

Yes, it’s the wacky world of Russian Prison Tattoos.
mashable.com/2014/10/29/russian-prison-tattoos/

There are, indeed, three books of these, of which I am the proud owner of volume one:
uncrate.com/stuff/russian-criminal-tattoo-encyclopaedia/
vampirekillersandoceanwanderers.blogspot.com/2012/08/russian-criminal-tattoo-i-iii.html  


3*HUMOR
PIG, EATING

https://youtu.be/PnIuM-bsJPI


ALSO SEE:

THE GHASTLY GHASTLY PLAH-DOH BOY

https://youtu.be/d-H4q4DaEkw

4*NOVELTY
OSTER ELECTRIC DOG CLIPPER

What is all that brown stuff? Don’t ask. 
And that poodle looks positively pre-orgasmic, but I’d rather not go there.  https://twitter.com/pulplibrarian/status/920722727832555520?lang=ar

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
Woman Who Made Up Firefighter Husband for Donations Charged in Scam: Officials
www.wsls.com/inside-edition/woman-who-made-up-firefighter-husband-for-donations-charged-in-scam-officials  

SEE ALSO:
If you can’t lick ’em…lick ’em.
www.wfla.com/news/police-searching-for-man-caught-on-video-licking-family-s-doorbell/1691613754  

ALSO SEE:
No Grease For You, Dummy
www.nbc4i.com/news/state-news/former-taco-bell-employee-seen-in-viral-video-denying-service-to-deaf-man-speaks-out/1690120501  


6* DAILY UTILITY
THE ENTERTAINMENT-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

MARK DEVLIN
THE DECLINE AND FALL OF AMERICA

https://youtu.be/k_aKvZ-V2R4?t=418


SOURCE:  
What celebrities do is important.
bigthink.com/paul-ratner/34-years-ago-a-kgb-defector-described-america-today

ALSO SEE:
MARK DEVLIN
MUSICAL TRUTH
https://youtu.be/-4J2B1o-Pyw

SEE ALSO:
LAUREL CANYON
“For What It’s Worth” had nothing to do with the war. It was essentially a musical temper tantrum about the LAPD rousing rowdy teenagers on the sunset strip.

“Bruce Palmer had a habit of getting himself arrested on a regular basis, usually on drug charges. Some of those arrests led to deportations, since both he and Young were in the country illegally. He never seems to have had much trouble getting back into the country, however, and needless to say, none of his crimes seem to have actually been prosecuted in any meaningful way.”

“Even if the song had been about anti-war protests, it still would be an odd choice for a protest song. Lyrics such as “Singing songs and carrying signs, mostly say hooray for our side,” seem to largely dismiss the concerns of protestors. And the line “nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong” seems to suggest that protestors are no better than that which they are protesting against.

“Another curious irony about the song is that it was authored by Stephen Stills, aka The Sarge, an authoritarian, law-and-order kind of guy if ever there was one. Stills himself later heaped derision on the very notion of a protest song: ‘We didn’t want to do another song like For What It’s Worth. We didn’t want to be a protest group. That’s really a cop-out and I hate that. To sit there and say, “I don’t like this and I don’t like that” is just stupid.’ “
centerforaninformedamerica.com/inside-the-lc-the-strange-but-mostly-true-story-of-laurel-canyon-and-the-birth-of-the-hippie-generation-part-xvi/  

7*CARTOON
ARCHIE CHRISTIAN COMICS

comicsalliance.com/archie-christian-comics/
www.misterkitty.org/extras/stupidcovers/stupidcomics482.html
www.christiancomicsinternational.org/series_spire.html


ALSO SEE:JACK CHICK

WHO’S THE REAL HATER?

www.chick.com/products/tract?stk=1925  


8*PRESCRIPTION
ALIAS IAN IACHIMOE

https://youtu.be/rmExREPJ7uw

SEE ALSO:
THE GIRLS ALL LOVE RAGTIME WITH THIS RINKY-DINK PIANO
www.misterkitty.org/extras/stupidcovers/stupidcomics606.html  


9* RUMOR PATROL

CAESAR’S MESSIAH
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caesar%27s_Messiah  

10*LAGNIAPPE
THE WHO

MAGIC BUS

https://youtu.be/bl9bvuAV-Ao

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
SUPERHERO MOVIES
Superhero movies with men in tights is
Every bit as loathsome as Meningitis.  


12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
MOVIES ABOUT FOOD: A BRIEF HISTORY

Wings
War and Pizza
Citizen Cake 
The 3:10 to Yum  
North to Baked Alaska 
Dessert, American Style 
The Last Flan on Earth  
How to Stuff a Wild Blini 
The Dessert Fox  
To Sirloin, With Love  
 Little Fauss and Big Halva 
American Tutti-Frutti
All the Presidents Mince  
The Flan Who Fell to Earth   
Altered Steaks
Candhi 
Supperman 4: The Quest for Pizza   
I Scream
Meat the Parents  
Sunshine Biscuits 
Life of Pie
The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward John Fudge 
There Will Be Blood Orange Sorbetto 
John Bis-Gotti  

MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 246 MID-JANUARY 2019

MODERN WISDOM

NUMBER 246

MID-JANUARY 2019
Copyright 1999, 2019 Francis DiMenno
dimenno@gmail.com

http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com    

GALA 20TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION

Duhh, it was twenty years ago today (January 15th) that the first issue of Modern Wisdom came cascading, not hot off the presses, because no paper was involved, but, rather, into your virtual mailboxes and onto a free website provider about whom the less said the better, because they went out of business sometime in 2002 and so all the stuff that was published on their site now exists only on the hard-drive of my computer, which is so old that it does not even connect to the internet. 


Much has happened in the world over the past 20 years. But I’m only interested in talking about me, so to hell with that.  Even though you don’t really care about me. So I’ll keep it short. 


During those twenty eventful and fun-packed years, I got married, and divorced. I bought a house. I went to graduate school in history and library science, where I worked in a computer lab and taught history to freshmen. I wrote a thesis about the rise and fall of EC Comics. I bought a car and I wrecked it. I bought another car, which I still drive. I went through about six full-time jobs, though not all at the same time. 


OK, that’s more than you need to know. Who do you think I am–Malcolm X? 


And so…here it is–MODERN WISDOM NUMBER ONE! Not one word has been omitted or changed! After all, why bother? (Whole paragraphs have been omitted, linking to now-defunct websites…but not one word!)

MODERN WISDOM
VOLUME ONE
NUMBER ONE
JANUARY 1999
c. 1999 Francis DiMenno

A MESSAGE FROM THE PUBLISHER

Welcome to the premiere of MODERN WISDOM.  No, on the other hand, get out
of here. This is the inaugural issue–obviously, since the words VOLUME ONE
NUMBER ONE appear in caps directly above this header. When I think of the
incredibly easy struggle involved in putting this e-zine together, I am
humbled by the realization that I have nobody to thank because I wrote the
whole thing myself; I was influenced by nobody, and without the help of a
few valued friends, associates, and colleagues, the results would have been
exactly the same. In fact, even thinking about those fools makes my blood
boil. Far from helping me, those envious scoundrels have hindered my
progress every step of the way. 


A word about The Wrong Hero is in order. Best characterized as masked,
belligerent alien comedian, he made his debut on Earth Day, April 21st, 1989
at The Middle East Cafe in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Aside from various
private parties, Elks, Moose, and VFW Halls, The Wrong Hero has performed at
Catch A Rising Star in Cambridge, MA.; Stitches in Boston, MA; Club Bohemia
in Somerville, MA;  CAV & AS220 in Providence, RI;  The Funny Farm in Louisville, KY; The Holy City Zoo in San Francisco, CA, and many other similarly obscure venues too numerous to mention. He was also comedian-in-residence at The Middle East Cafe from 1988 to 1995. [2019 UPDATE: He can currently be seen on YOUTUBE…on THE WRONG HERO NETWORK].–editor 


AND NOW…
MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:
                
1                        THE WISDOM OF THE HERO
                                        or
2                        TOO SMART FOR THE ROOM
                                        or
                        
3                                HATE PATROL
4                        PLACE DISORDER HERE
5                THE EVIL OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING
6                                    ALL LIES
7                                NEW CLICHES
8        THE AGONY OF VICTORY, THE THRILL OF DEFEAT
9                                    FLUCKO
10                                LOGIC BOMBS
11                                ANTI 60S MAN
12                                EARTH HOGS
13                        BABY CRIES, MAMA BUYS
14                                ANTI-AMERICA
15                        BEAUTIFUL STEREOTYPES
16                       LOOK AT MY SCREAMING FACE
17                         THE TRIUMPH OF MEAT
18                                FALLEN APE
19                TYRANNY IN ITS PUREST MODERN FORM
20                        AN AMERICAN TRAVESTY
21                 A FOUNT OF USEFUL MISINFORMATION
22                 DRUGS, GOD, ALCOHOL AND SITCOMS
23                 THE FORMULAIC SHOW
24                 NOSTALGIA MAN
25                SIR FATSO
26                DR. GOOD AND MR. BAD
27                MY DOG’S GHOST TALKS TO GOD
28                TREMBLING ON THE BRINK OF NERVOUS EXHAUSTION
29                ME NOT STUPID
30                GOD’S PICKUP LINES
31                WHAT WOULD JESUS DO RADIO STATION WWJD
32                A VERY COMMERCIAL FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS
33                TRASHOMON
34                SOON TO BE A MINOR MOTION PICTURE
35                ADULT CHILD OF VEGETARIANS
36                WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION
37                PROFESSOR RETARD: INTELLECTUAL DUMBBELL
38                THE RETARDED PROFESSOR
39                SENSIBLE TRAGEDY
40                THE BURDEN OF THE LEGACY
41                A MYTHIC ORIGINAL
42                A RATIONAL FEVER
43                THE DISPENSIBLE MAN
44                THIS IS NOT ART 
45                I AM THE BIGGEST JOKE IN THE WORLD
46                CALL ME OFFENSIVEMAN
47                WITNESS THE TERRIBLE POWERLESSNESS OF WORDS
49                ANGRY CAMPER
50                DIRTY JOKES
51                GOOFY SINGS THE BEEGEES
52                THE FOUR AD FIGURES OF THE APOCALYPSE
53                THE FOUR FEMALE TALK SHOW HOSTS OF THE APOCALYPSE
54                HECK: THE LOGIC OF DARNATION
55                AN ENGINE OF DENUNCIATION
56                XENOPHOBES GO HOME
57                THIS NONSENSE CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE
58                ANTI-ENTITY
59                LET THE DRUGS DO THEIR WORK
60                ALL ART IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT
61                CELEBRITIES ARE DESIGNER MYTHS
62                COMPOSITE MASTER OF INFINITE SPACE AND TIME
63                A CRASS ACT
64                THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUGS
65                SUPER-DEPRESSED MAN
66                50S MAN
67                NERVOUS TICS OF THE HACK COMIC
68                UNITED WE FALL
69                SECRET IDENTITY POLITICS
70                YO, STEP UP AND GET BEAT DOWN
71                CAPE DOES NOT ENABLE USER TO FLY
72                A FIEND IN NEED
73                CAN’T…RESIST…UNDERTOW; CAN’T…USE…SYNTAX
74                CONSPICUOUSLY NOT SPENDING MONEY
75                A TIME TO MAKE NEW ENEMIES 
                                     

76        I am the wrong hero. Alcoholic…drug addict….easy guy to shop for on
Christmas.

77        Some call me a cracker-barrel philosopher of the bourgeoisie. Others refer
to me as the avatar of the moron zeitgeist.

    78     You know…Christmas is a special time of year…a time to give
thanks…no, actually, that’s Thanksgiving. What an idiot I am!

        79  They say that Christmas comes but once a year. As opposed to most
other holidays, which happen three or four times a week.

        80  I’m from a quiet little town called Pittsburgh. The last big
thing that happened there was the Whiskey Rebellion. Folks, if I ever get
involved in a rebellion, I’d want it to be a whiskey rebellion. What’s their
political platform? HOUGHHHHHHHUH! What’s their slogan? AARGGH!

        81  This festive holiday season, I’d like for us all to pause for
just a moment to think about the forgotten people….the convicts on death
row….I think capital punishment is an ugly expression…I think we should
change it to something nice. Like “Putting the killers to sleep.” Or “Lights
out for felons.” Or “Harvesting the psychopaths.” Or “Three strikes and
you’re dead.” Or “Giving Amnesty International something to complain about.”
Or “A date with Old Sparky.” “Or “A dose of Edison’s Medicine.” [&c.]

        82  Frosty the snowman…two eyes made out of coal? How ecologically
unsound. Shouldn’t it be two eyes made out of natural gas?

        83 I grew up on an Indian reservation. We used to play Indians. When we got
bored with that, we’d play “Indians…and more fuckin’ Indians.”

        84 If I had a hammer…there’d be no more folk singers. Folk music is every
bit as oppressive as the injustices it is supposedly attempting to eradicate.

        85 Remember, you can’t spell Disneyland without…DNA. Here’s the dirty
secret behind the Magic Kingdom: all those cartoon characters are genetic
mutants. Do you doubt me? What’s with the sterile gloves… should we call
the Center for Disease Control? MICKEY MOUSE. That’s the real conspiracy.
Stands for MIC (Military Industrial Complex)…KEY (Keynesian Economic
Yoke)…MOUSE (More Of United States Engulfment).

        86  If you take too many anti-nausea pills, do you get nauseous? Or do you
never get nauseous again?

        87  I must say that I am upset with our President. Here’s the speech I wish
he would have given: “I did have sex with that woman. My wife is as frigid
as an Eskimo pie. I would rather screw Buddy, my chocolate Labrador–at
least HE moves his tail. I don’t care if I embarrassed my family–they
embarrass me. My brother Roger is a one-eyed hillbilly–shucks, he’s snorted
so much goofy dust they had to take his nose off and sew a button on! My
wife has a heart like an icicle. My daughter looks like a rhesus monkey.
Now, Ken Starr may be an honest man, but I say that making whoopie with that
intern was appropriate–best of all, it was right! And no fool is going to
tell me it’s a sin to feel that good! God bless you–and God bless America. “

        88 Bill Clinton had the prize-winning hog at the Arkansas state fair. But
they made him put it back in his pants.

        89 December was trauma awareness month. But I was too frightened to mention
it until now.

        90 Does anal-compulsive take a hyphen? WELL? DOES IT??

        91 Many comics secretly despise their audiences. I’m different. I openly
despise you amid my attempts to make nice. Let me see your lighters,
Boston–so that I can see every rotting tooth in your misshapen skulls.

        92 I was born under a lucky star. And it felt so good when they pried it
off me.

        93 I took an informal survey of the man in the street. But he had been
completely flattened by Sports Utility Vehicles.

        94 I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And now my head is
completely crushed.
  
        95 The signs. Just once, I’d like to see some variety. Like, “Come
In–Unauthorized Personnel Only.” Or, “Vehicle will be towed at owner’s
expense–but hey, we’ll throw in two free tickets to the Ice Capades.” Or,
“No Parking At Any Time–unless you think you can get away with it.” Or,
“Speed Limit strictly enforced–unless you look like an important big shot
on his way to a board meeting.” And in ads– when they say “We’ve passed the
savings on to you”? What about all the other times? Do they keep the money
for themselves and blow it on Jagermeister, bimbos, and scratch tickets?

        96 I like to go to the Alzheimer’s Lounge–a place where everybody knows
your name…except you.

        97 First, save the whales.  Then ask the whales to save you.

        98 I took too many placebos and now I think I’m sick, but I’m not, really.

        99 What about Jesus’ gym coach? What did he say at the crucifixion? “C’mon
you sissy, that wound ain’t so bad! Gimme 20 laps!”.

        100 When punk rockers retire, I guess they’ll get anti-social security.

        101 If I were Irish, people would call me a “storyteller.”

        102 I overdo s ed on antidotes, and I’ve never felt better.

        103 They say a dog bite is worse than human bite. I say most people don’t
lick their own assholes.

        104 When you take your pet to the park to piss on trees, isn’t that just
the doggie internet ?

        105 My Dog turned 21. That’s 3 in human years.

        106 My dad was a hippie. He’d always say “Son…I’m going to teach you a
lesson I’ll never remember.”

        107 Move over butter. Fine. But nobody ever talks about “Fuck You,
margarine” or “Die, Lard, Die.”

        108 A carrot improves your vision at night. So does a hand grenade.

        109 Some bumper stickers: Honk if you’re a Canadian Goose. No baby on
board–my life is meaningless. Honk if you’ve betrayed our Lord. Caution:
Messiah on Board. Ask me about my eternal torment.

        110 What not to say to a traffic cop:  Here’s a nickel, ossifer, go buy
yourself some deodorant, cause you stink. Here’s a dollar, go buy your wife
some crack. I just do what the gun tells me to do. You should have seen how
fast I was going BEFORE I ran over the little girl.

        111 He who laughs last is sitting there laughing like an idiot, little
realizing that I could crush him like a puny ant.

        112 Growing up, we got Ms.  Hard as rocks. Didn’t melt in your mouth.
Wouldn’t even melt on the surface of mercury. THEY WERE FUCKING MS!

        113 It is well to remember that the entire universe…ought to bow down to
the might of the hero…and that it does not…is a minor annoyance which
shall soon be rectified.

        114 “The croaking raven bellows forth revenge.” Not much of a pick-up line,
but the best I can do. But recently, I’ve thought of a better one: “Hey–me
and my really dangerous criminal friends are going to go to the hazardous
materials storage dump and stay up all night eating groovy death candy till
we end up in the hospital, only you’re not invited because you’re not hip
with the in -crowd–OK?”

        115 My girlfriend is an existentialist….I gave her a disengagement ring.

        116 My motto: Can’t drive 55. Guy in back of  me: Can’t drive 85. Guy in
front of me: Can’t drive, period. That’s the definition of a shit sandwich.

        117 I believe all life is sacred. I would never harm an animal larger than
myself. I believe all life is sacred. I wouldn’t even kill a fly. I believe
all life is–whack!–got him!

        118 My dad was a liberal. So just to piss him off I brought a white girl home.

        119 You lose at Jeopardy, and what do they give you as a consolation prize?
The home version of Jeopardy. You’ve made an ass of yourself in front of
millions of people, and what’s the first thing you see when you get home? A
home version of the fiendish game that caused your downfall!

        120 My psychiatrist says I’m cured. Now I’ve got pre-traumatic relaxation
syndrome; I have a  monopolar order.

        121 I shop at the Oxymoronic Shopping Mall. The Worthless Shop sells
priceless antiques; The Value Store sells toxic junk.

        122 If Jesus were the Michelin man, would they crucify him with tire irons?

        123 If Jesus is so popular, why does he have to ask us for money every Sunday?

        124 Jesus turned the water into wine. Nowadays, that’s called enabling
behavior.

        125 What if the crucifixion were just a dice game that went terribly,
terribly wrong?

        126 You know you’re growing old when…you have to rely on formulaic
gimmicks like this.

        127 My old apartment used to smell like cat piss. The hell of it is, I
didn’t own a cat. It used to smell like the sweatband of a recently indicted
televangelist’s fedora….like the Sauna room of the Boston Patriots the
night they lost the superbowl…like Alvin Chipmunk’s laundry bag…like
Frankenstein’s dentures…like Mastodon plaque…like Godzilla had given the
place a tongue bath. And the bums! They’d stand outside on a Sunday morning
saying stuff like, “It’s a good rubbing alcohol–it’s not a great rubbing
alcohol.”

        128 I  like your attitude. Especially if you don’t like mine.

        129 I’m like an ox–got flies in my ears, worms in my belly, and I’m
standing in a puddle of my own waste products.

        130 What’ll happen when Bono learns another chord–will they call
themselves U3?

        131 You must be the famous crowd I’ve heard so much about. You’re not as
big as you look on tv.

        132 Half our life is work and the other half is spent trying to atone for it.

        133 I was taken to court. The evidence was antimatter, and the charge was
refusing to tamper with it.

        134 This I believe: television is chewing tobacco for the eyes. Too bad you
can’t spit it into a styrofoam cup when you’ve finished with it.

        135 Nothing’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Except maybe one
monkey…in a barrel…giving you that special little smile.

        136 My father has dyslexia; doesn’t mean I evah ti.

        137 The only culture Boston has today is in its frozen yogurt, and that’s
probably been dead for 100 years too. What is Boston but a hamlet blown up
to poster size? The Boston Globe is just like any small town
newspaper–typical headline, “Area Youth Wins Spelling Bee”. The only
newsworthy things that happen here are all from out of town. “Tremblors Rock
Hub. Actual Earthquake to Open in NY Next Week.”

        138 The only substitute for good manners is you sign all your assets over
to me.

        139 On the way over here I was thinking, everything’s coming my way, that’s
because I was driving on the wrong side of the Mass Pike.

        140 People sneer at the surrealists. But actually, driving is dada.
 
        141 Hey, what about those cars? I think we should call them what they
really are: “The automobile: fire, plus the wheel. Prometheus plus gasoline.
And, like fire, a good friend, but a treacherous foe. Cars: America’s first
robot slaves, which paved the way for radio, air conditioning, television,
computers, photocopiers, fax machines, and cell phones. All those people who
feel sorry for you for not having this bevy of slaves don’t realize there
are people alive today who went for years without them. Now we are the slaves
to these machines. We have been emasculated by post-industrial
technology–or at least, so my computer tells me. In fact, the computer told
me to write this. And I hear and I obey.

        142 If at first you don’t succeed, you must be destroyed.  Also, Try try
not not to repeat repeat yourself yourself again again.

        143 For every action, shut up.

        144 He who hesitates must die.

        145 The more illusory the enemy, the more ruthlessly he must be hunted down.

        146 Cigarette warning: Burning Surgeon generals contain carbon monoxide.

        147 Don’t start listening until I say something offensive.

        148 I succeed to impress people I don’t like, and the time and effort
causes me to ignore the people I love.

        149 I swear by almighty God to tell the truth, the whole truth, and by the
way, could you cash a personal check for me?

        150 I’ve got Malcolm X-ray vision–it enables me to see through white
hypocrisy.

        151 The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of
your ass.

        152 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research, and to steal punctuation and logic from a manuscript is called
“editing”.

        153 Politics is sports for people who are too fat to run and too stupid to
retire.

        154 What is the sound of a bell, backward. Gnnnnnnnnnnnnnnob?

        155 You never really learn to drive until you learn to swear.

        156 I don’t want to hear the word  Monday. I want to hear the word Money.

        157 Do not choose between two evils; give me your money instead.

        158 Don’t ask me to give you change for a dollar. True and lasting change
will require dismantling the whole corrupt power structure and starting all
over again.

        159 A fool and his money must report to my office immediately.

        160 My Daddy was a semi-literate ventriloquist. He moved other people’s
lips when he read.

        161 I told my girl I wanted her for my wife… who, incidentally, is a vampire.

        162 I can start drinking anytime I want to. That’s why I’m on a 12 step
program to get off of Jesus and back onto hard drugs.

         163 Everybody repeat after me…..”Destroy all conformists.”

        163 Those are the ones I’d like to kill–the hostile ones.

        164 I don’t subscribe to Scientific American I subscribe to Superstitious
Caveman. Lead story: “Fire–Bad!”

        165 If aliens are silicon-based, wouldn’t they want us to take them to our
nudie bars?

        166 Where do I see myself in five years? Hopefully, in a position to
destroy anyone who asks me that question.

        167 This week, as every week, the award for best performance by The Wrong
Hero goes to…The Wrong Hero.

        168 Drug addiction is grounds for divorce. But marriage is grounds for drug
addiction.

        169 Everybody else always ruins it for a few assholes.

        170 95% of all men masturbate in the shower. The other 5% are chimpanzees.

        171 99% of all statistics are wrong–including this one.

        172 If at first you don’t succeed, then you might try working on your
pretentious diction. Who the hell do you think YOU are–Alfred the Butler
from the Batman tv show?

        173 My parrot says: “Polly want a cracker.” I say, “Polly also want a
lesson in remedial grammar.”

        174 The Wrong Hero has been brought to you by “I’m Hungry Mix”–starving
people ask for it by name.

        175 I can see a thing without my glasses.

[The preceding was adapted from a monologue performed 12-26-98 at 209 Green
Street, Cambridge, Massachusetts.]