THE INFORMATION #1035
MARCH 8, 2019
Copyright 2019 FRANCIS DIMENNO
From the discussion of the facts themselves we shall render the hearer well-disposed by extolling our own cause with praise and by contemptuously disparaging that of our adversaries.– The Rhetorica ad Herennium
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TWELVE: PART FIFTY-TWO: THE EASTERN GATE OF PARADISE
“So how do come to know all these things?” said Billy Batchelder Tallent.
“I keep my mouth shut, and my ears wide open,” said Glen Phillips. “And I don’t waste one iota of a second moaning about what might have been. You see them everywhere, those sorts of people. Grousing about how they were handed a raw deal in life. How people let them down. They were born under a bad star. God is out to get them. And the like. Personally, I don’t thing God Almighty His Own Self gives one fart in Hell about what any of them, or, for that matter, any of us do, if you’ll pardon the expression. I think life is what you yourself are able to make of it. It sounds like simple common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people simply cannot get that fact through their thick skulls. Like women. Always beefing about the guy they coulda married. How do they know they’d have been any happier with them? They don’t, but it simply won’t do to remind them of that simple fact. Like most people, once they get a notion in their heads about how things ought to go and how other people ought to do things, that there is a notion that’s harder to cure than the cholera. Like a dog returneth to his vomit, and all that. People just keep making the same mistakes over and over, expecting a different result. Your gambler is convinced he has a lucky number. Your stock speculator wagers he’ll make a killing. Your common crook figures he’ll be able to get away with the same crime over and over again.
“How do I know these things? Oh, I’ve been hanging out in my Pappy’s newsroom. A lot. Ever since I was old enough to see over the counter. My Pa don’t mind. Figures that me being exposed to the low-life will make me a well-rounded man. I can’t take much issue with that. I may not have ink in my blood, but I do know what a whole lot of nines are. And, any way you add it up, in spite of what I just said, some folks seem to be born to get a crummy deal, and no amount of palavering on their part will ever rectify the situation.
“Reporters, and policemen too, are just about the most cynical Gees I know. And they got every reason to be. A lot of policemen are softies, you know, underneath it all. They always look out after the welfare of little girls, and ladies, and babes in arms. But they’re hell on tough guys. They might give Honest Joe Citizen an even break, and they might let Mr. Society Swell off with a warning. But let them come across come common thug with a pork-pie hat, and let the sullen Bluto give him some lip, and they’ll whale the bejazus out of him, by Golly, and there ain’t no one from the Police Commissioner on down is going to say boo to him. To adopt the vernacular of the streets.
“Just as in nature, some animals are born and made to be victims. The Broadway B’hoy is one of them. With his stupid plug hat, and his idiotic schemes for getting rich quick–although the sums we are talking about would be pitifully laughable to a true man of affairs–and his doltish G’hal ever by his side, he is currently being made much of on the stages of some of our finest slums. Why? I guess because every age needs a clown to laugh at. Back in the olden days, it was the Village Idiot. In the future? Who knows? The Irishman may fall out of vogue as a figure of fun, only to be replaced by some querulous Hunky, or down-at-the-heels Welchman.
“The man who says that all he knows is what he reads in the papers is a goddamned fool. And a reporter would be the first to tell him as much, assuming there was any percentage in wising up a sucker, which there isn’t. Reporters never report one tenth of what they see and know. If one of them ever goes off the reservation and writes a book, you should be sure to pick it up. Even though most of them write abominably. They’re always twisting the facts to fit the frame, so it comes as no surprise that they end up being less and less accurate about more and more. With the way some of them drink, it’s a wonder some of them can even spell their own name, let alone report on a Tong War in Chinatown and not mix up all the Chins with the Chings… and the Wangs with the Fangs.
“I’ll tell you something I’ve noticed about reporters–on the surface they’re cynical, yet underneath they’re even more cynical–except, maybe, when it comes to dogs in general, and the underdog in particular. In general, they look on the sufferings of downtrodden humanity as great sob stuff, and fodder fit to fill a line or two in the paper. Nothing more. But every now and again some damn fool will come along with a cause, and the more hopeless the odds, the more the newsboys will root for that man, if only to fill reams of foolscap when the freak takes a dive and lands face-first in the gutter. And then they’ll send up a big haw-haw with all the rest of them.
“Don’t get me wrong, Mawny. This may not be the world which I would have chosen for myself, but it’s the world I have to live in. In my world, being, as I am, a so-called child of privilege, I have to be constantly aware. Not a day goes by that I’m not made aware of my responsibilities. Perhaps that’s why I accept the commonplace debaucheries of my age as standard fare. Why shouldn’t I?”
“As for you–why, if you haven’t yet learned to do so, you will…soon enough.”
LIBRARIAN’S INTERNET INDEX
USEFUL POLITICAL SITES
GUY DE MAUPASSANT
BOULE DE SUIF
MAGIC DOMINATES THE WORLD!
ILLUMINATI & THE BLACK MAGIC UNDERWORLD
MATRIX OF POWER
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
SYNARCHY: INSTRUMENT OF THE NEW UNDERWORLD ORDER
6* DAILY UTILITY
THE CLASS CEILING
THE GIRL ON THE MOTORCYCLE (1968)
THE PORNOGRAPHY MENACE (1965)
9* RUMOR PATROL
I’VE NEVER SEEN A STRAIGHT BANANA
WHISPERING JACK SMITH
11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
SOME BULLSHIT EXCUSES FOR MICHAEL JACKSON
MICHAEL JACKSON ACCUSERS
“He knew what he was doing,” Safechuck says. “He has a way of sensing weakness in families. He has a really good sense of people and can read people really well. First, I think he’s physically attracted to the kid, and then he reads the family and just knows how to work it.”
Both men claim Jackson never wore condoms during their sex acts. They allege he often plied them with alcohol and pornography before molesting them, and even recorded one of his sexual encounters with Safechuck.
One of the most disturbing anecdotes in “Leaving Neverland” is that Jackson allegedly staged a mock wedding ceremony with Safechuck when the boy was 10, exchanging vows and rings in his bedroom.
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
ALAMO ALL-STARS. HALE. ****
AQUAMAN 4: WAR FOR THE THRONE. ***1/2
AWKWARD. CHMAKOVA. ***1/2
BEFORE THE DELUGE. FRIEDRICH. ****1/2
BELONGING. KRUG. ****
BLACK DAHLIA. GEARY. ****1/2
BLACK PANTHER 5. AVENGERS OF THE NEW WORLD PART 2. ***1/2
BOULE DE SUIF & OTHER STORIES. DE MAUPASSANT. ****1/2
BRAVE. CHMAKOVA. ***1/2
CLOAK & DAGGER. SHADES OF GREY. **1/2
CORAL REEFS. WICKS. ***1/2
CRYPTOSCATOLOGY. GUFFEY. ****
DEAD WEIGHT. BLAS, ETAL. ***
DEADPOOL 1. MERCIN’ HARD FOR THE MONEY. ***1/2
THE DEATH OF DEMOCRACY. HETT. ****1/2
DOGS. HIRSH. ****
THE ELECTRIC STATE. STALENHAG. *****
THE FAKE REVOLT. LEGMAN. ****
GIDEON FALLS 1. THE BLACK BARN. LEMIRE & SORRENTINO. ****
GUNSLINGER: 50TH ANNIV. ED. DORN. ****1/2
THE HACKING OF THE AMERICAN MIND. LUSTIG. ***1/2
HARLEY QUINN 5. VOTE HARLEY. ***1/2
HORIZONTAL COLLABORATION. GORDON. ***1/2
H.P. LOVECRAFT. NIKOLAVITCH & GERVASIO. ****
I HEAR THE SUNSPOT 1 & 2. FUMINO. ***
INJUSTICE 2. VOLUME 3. ****
INSIDE THE LIVE REPTILE TENT. BROUWS & CARON. ****
JAMES BROWN: BLACK AND PROUD. FAUTHOUX. ***1/2
JFK & THE UNSPEAKABLE. DOUGLASS. ****1/2
LAST PICK 1. WALZ. ***1/2
MEAL. DELLIQUANTI & HO. ***1/2
MINDSET. DWECK. ***1/2
MOON GIRL & THE MARVEL UNIVERSE. **1/2
MOON GIRL & DEVIL DINOSAUR 6. SAVE OUR SCHOOL. ***
NEW CHALLENGERS 1. ***
PAPER GIRLS 5. VAUGHN. ***1/2
PARKER 1: THE HUNTER. COOKE. ****1/2
PARKER 2: THE OURFIT. COOKE. ****1/2
PARKER 3: THE SCORE. COOKE. ****1/2
PARKER 4: SLAYGROUND. COOKE. ****1/2
PHILIP K. DICK; A COMICS BIOGRAPHY. QUEYSSI & MARCHESE. ****1/2
PLAGUES. KOCH. ***1/2
POLAR BEARS: SURVIVAL ON THE ICE. VIOLA & GIALLONGO. ****
THE POWER OF THE DARK CRYSTAL 2. ***1/2
REDLANDS 1: SISTERS BY BLOOD. BELLAIRE & DEL REY. ****
REDLINE. HOLAMN. ****
ROCKETS: DEFYING GRAVITY. DROZD & DROZD. ****
SHADE THE CHANGING GIRL 2: LITTLE RUNAWAY. ****
SHARKS: NATURE’S PERFECT PREDATORS. FLOOD. ***1/2
TALES FROM THE INNER CITY. TAN. ****
TEEN TITANS GO! THEIR GREATEST HIJINKS. ***
THEATRE OF FEAR & HORROR. GORDON. ***1/2
TREES: KINGS OF THE FOREST. HIRSCH. ****
TSU & THE OUTLIERS. JOHNSON. ***1/2
TUMULT. DUNNING & KENNEDY. ***1/2
TWILIGHTB OF THE GODS. HYDEN. ***1/2
UNDOCUMENTED: A WORKER’S FIGHT. TONATIUH. ****
THE UNDERGROUND ABDUCTOR. HALE. ****
UNSPUN. JACKSON & JAMIESON. ****1/2
VOLUPTUOUS PANIC. GORDON. ****
THE WITCH BOY. OSTERTAG. ****
WONDER WOMAN 7. AMAZONS ATTACKED. ***1/2
12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE YOGI ‘n’ HIS PALS in:
DALLAS ‘N’ BLUNDERLAND
Magilla Gorilla as “Jack Ruby.”
Secret Squirrel as “Allen Dulles.”
Top Cat as “Nelson Rockefeller.” The Nearsighted Mister Magoo as “Earl Warren.”Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Looie as “The Secret Service Agents”
And Chopper, Hokey Wolf, and special guest star Wile E. Coyote as “The Three Tramps”.
Wally Gator as “David Ferrie.” ” He’s the latest and the greatest in the swamp!”
The scene: The sixth floor of The Texas Schoolbook Depository. A Calendar on the wall reads NOVEMBER 22. We pan past rows of boxes. Whimsical music.
Boo-Boo says, “Gosh, Yogi–it sure is cold!”
Yogi Bear replies, “NYAY HAY HAY HEE, Boo-Boo. Pretty soon, it’ll be mighty HOT in HERE!”
Yogi Bear unpacks a rifle from a box marked “Acme.”
Boo Boo as Oswald, points the rifle out window at the Presidential Motorcade.
Yogi Bear says, “Go ahead, Boo-Boo. Pull the trigger.”
Boo-Boo says, “I don’t think the Ranger will like that, Yogi.”
Yogi replies, “So who cares about the Ranger? Vice-President Johnson says John-John stole our pic-a-nic basket!”
Boo-Boo pulls the trigger, but on the first try, the rifle produces a flag on a stick that says “Bang!”
Boo-Boo pulls the trigger again and again, but nothing happens.
Impatiently, Yogi says to Boo-Boo, “Here, Boo-Boo– give ME that rifle!”
He aims it at himself, and it blows his head off with a loud BANG.
A half-second later, his head reappears. “NYAY HAY HAY HEE, Boo-Boo–I guess it WAS loaded!”
Cut to the Presidential Motorcade. Shots ring out. JFK’s head snaps back. Cartoon sound: “BOINNGGG!!!” Laugh track swells.
When JFK is shot, it looks as though his face is blackened with soot. He sprouts a huge bone in his nose, grows a pair of huge rubbery lips, and keels over.
As JFK is felled by the kill shot, we hear a snippet of Sinatra singing “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head.”
Jackie hears the shots and goes “Duh-ooooh” and you hear the cartoon sound of her running feet. She levitates for a couple of seconds while her feet spin around and make a whirring noise. While in midair, Jackie looks at the camera and says, in the voice of Snaggleppuss, “Exit–stage right!”
Two cars back, Droopy Dog, as LBJ, on hearing the shots, smiles, showing all his teeth, and you see a miniature gleam and hear a little pinging “ding” noise.
Cut to the Onassis yacht. On hearing the news over the radio, Onassis also shows a gleaming smile with the accompanying ping. Cue rising laugh track.
Cut to an African island. On hearing the news, Fritz, of the Katzenjammer Kids, rubs his belly and says, “Mein shtomack don’t feel so goot.” Mama is crying. The Captain and Der Professor show gleaming smiles. Laugh track swells.
Cut to the Situation Room in the West Wing basement of the White House. We see General Curtis LeMay, portrayed by Dick Dastardly. On hearing the news, he lights a celebratory cigar. It blows up in his face, and we see an atomic mushroom cloud. His dog Muttley, who has Castro’s cap and beard, gives a whickering laugh.
Richard Nixon stands behind Dastardly and Muttley. Tape recording equipment is conspicuously running. It’s a little Flintstones Bird with a chisel beak, cutting a phonograph record. The Bird pauses and says, “Hey–don’t knock it–it’s a job!” Laugh track swells.
Cut to a cabin in Air Force One. LBJ, as portrayed by Droopy Dog, is looking sad. As he is sworn in as President, he transforms into The Wolf, and says , says, in his inimitable drawl, “You know what? I’m very happy,” He howls triumphantly, firing two pistols in the air. Jackie reprises her “running” routine. Laugh track swells. Cue travel music (Offenbach’s “Orpheus in the Underworld”) as we see a map of the world. Jackie’s figure, represented by a dotted line, runs all the way from Dallas to the Atlantic Ocean. Then Jackie, still represented by the dotted line, crosses the Atlantic Ocean and ends up on Aristotle Onassis’s yacht, moored in the Greek islands.
Cut to the JFK Funeral. John-John salutes the casket and cartoon instrumentals make the sound of a snickering laugh: “Wa wa wa wa wa wa wahh wahh.”
Cut to New Orleans, where Jim Garrison’s investigation is impeded by the lovable antics of Scooby-Doo, who destroys important files while looking for a Scooby Snack.
Cut to Arlington Cemetery. General Curtis LeMay, portrayed by Dick Dastardly, lights his cigar on The Eternal Flame. It blows up in his face. This time we see a hydrogen bomb cloud. His dog, Muttley, gives another whickering laugh. Cartoon instrumental music: “Wa wa wa wa wa wa wahh wahh.”
Th-th-th-th That’s All, Folks!
[With a tip of the Hatlo Hat to Bernie the Attorney & Rick the Deek.]