MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 232 FEBRUARY 2018

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 232
FEBRUARY 2018

Copyright 2018 Francis DiMenno
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

1. NOIR MISFORTUNE COOKIES
SECOND SERIES
251. Like all chumps, you had to play the big shot for a frail.
252. Grifter, your fitted suits now hang baggy on your wasted frame.
253. You were young once. You will not live to be wise.
254. They will write songs about you. Murder ballads, evil one.
255. She will have Champagne eyes–and a cocaine heart.
256. Even a dog knows how to circle round three times and lay down.
257. Jesus died for the sins of all mankind–but you are no man.
258. You are not an inflatable clown–stay down when they slug you, Punchy.
259. Your wife is a model of rectitude–in your bed.
260. Like most Americans, you do not tip the vindictive Chinse Buffet server.
261. You were beaten in a beauty contest by a Jack O’Lantern.
262. Parce que vous ne pouvez pas lire ceci, vous devez mourir.
263. Truth, crushed to earth, will rise again. But you won’t.
264. The collector of souls ignores you. For yours was sold long ago.
265. Shadow man, don’t you know the truth is the light?
266. You will eat bitter bread and even salt shall lose its savor.
267. You never got over it. It has gotten over on you.
268. Gambler, you’ll never win. In Hell the horses will bet on you.
269. Why doth the heathen rage? Probably because of you.
270. Nothing makes sense anymore, least of all your career.
271. Don’t worry. You’ll pay off your debts. In thirty years. Then die.
272. Many ways to nearly die: You will experience them all.
273. The train leaves at noon. But you won’t live that long.
274. Your face is healed; your mannerisms–betray the Mark of the Squealer.
275. Apologize all you want. The Big Man wants his money yesterday.
276. The contract on your life has been cancelled, for you’re quickly killing yourself.
277. Those speedballs you’re so fond of have killed younger men than you.
278. The only medicine that keeps you sane is no longer being made.
279. You are never alone but are haunted by evil thoughts.
280. Your new boss’s nickname is “No Excuses Man”.
281. Three things cannot long be hidden: The sun, the moon, and your treachery.
282. At the Big Man’s feast you will unwittingly eat your last meal.
283. Buddha was The Enlightened One. You are the enfrightened one.
284. Man is wolf to man, but you are merely a stupid fox.
285. Men of means build castles in the air. You build a sewer.
286. You don’t care if the world caves in. You live in a cave.
287. Poe is your Shakespeare and your Milton is Lovecraft.
288. In the word desire you will find the word “die”.
289. If only someone had loved you. But you are the unlovable one.
290. Halfwit, you have eaten the husk and thrown away the tamale.
291. You have lived on scraps for long enough. Soon you must starve.
292. You call it ‘wit’. But they call it ‘shit’.
293. The fugitive you harbored will kill again and you’ll be blamed.
294. That dog you stole belonged to the Police Chief’s daughter.
295. You keep the Big man’s books. But there’s no accounting for death.
296. Some men have greatness thrust upon them–in prison.
297. America’s most wanted psycho knows where you live.
298. Caution: Acts of God Are Closer Than They Appear
299. The world has meaning. Your life alone is meaningless.
300. Prison is where you act the best and are treated the worse.

2. ALL POLITICAL FANATICS MUST IMMEDIATELY BE DESTROYED!

Bob Hope, confronted by protesters at the 1971 Miss World Pageant,
remarked, “Anyone who wants to disrupt something as beautiful as this
must be on some kind of dope. The perpetrators will pay for this.
Upstairs will see to that.”–Gerard J. DeGroot, “The Sixties Unplugged,” p. 288.

I MUST HUMBLY CONFESS that I am steadily growing to strongly dislike
all people who see every single thing as some sort of excuse to have a
political agenda.

Surely you must know the types–common, everyday nobodies–folks who
somehow feel like they deserve some kind of an award for not being a
fascist robot.

Sanctimonious, self-righteous bastards, refusing to work for Hitler
Incorporated and declining to fuel the Amerikkkan death machine.

Pompous asses.

I long to smash in all their smug faces.

Filthy humanists.

Always babbling about such archaic notions as “individual choice” and
“the freedom to refuse.”

They must be forced to break stones for the new economy until they
collapse into a numbed stupor.

No time clocks, indeed!

Who do these filthy hippies think they are?

MANAGEMENT???

I’ll bet they’re be sorry when the boys upstairs get wind of their shenanigans.

These bohemians and their left-handed cigareets make muh haid spin.

Listen, you parasites: I got news for ya.

Some people see things as they are and say, “Why?”

I see things that never were and say, “Die, you blood-sucking freaks–die!!!”

Maybe if some of you beatniks took a cold bath, you might wake up out
of your wacky tobaccy stupor and earn an honest living instead of
mooching off my hard-earned tax dollar and gumming at the teat of
Uncle Sugar.

God speed that day.

3. CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS FOR MESSAGE BOARDS

GOOD BANK ROBBING STORIES
MY GIRLFRIENDS ARE UGLIER THAN YOURS
BURLY MEN WHO FRIGHTEN ME
SCIENCE FICTION MAKES ME TIRED
HUNTER S. THOMPSON WAS OVERRATED
PHILIP K. DICK IS JUST ANOTHER HACK
AYN RAND HAD SOME INTERESTING IDEAS
I BLAME THE COMMUNISTS
I AM GIVING AWAY ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS
CDS SOUND BETTER THAN VINYL
ROCKTOBEARFEST: WHO’S GOING?
UNCLE PRIEST MADE MY TONSILS HURT
BABY CRIES, MAMA BUYS
I COULD BE LIKE JESUS
COMEDOS–PRO AND CON
THE LAFFTER OF DEAD KLOWNS
MY GHETTO WAS MORE IMPOVERISHED THAN YOURS
HOW TO DIE IN THE WOODS
I SUFFER FOOLS GLADLY
THE BEAUTIFUL LONELY OLD CAT LADY

4. WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD AND SHUT UP?

Walk it off and quit yer blubberin’, chief.
Man up, Cowboy. We all got a hard row to hoe.
Get some seeds.
Buck up, Bucko.
Wipe the water out from behind your ears and get biz-zay.
Suck it up, Bohunk. The world will turn without you.
Less Talkee, More Workee, Cabin Boy.
Get a clue, Lifer. Let your hair down.
Sleep in the grave, Noddy. Hustle hustle hustle!
Quit slurpin’ them onion rings, Lard, and get a move on.
Hit it or quit it, L7.
Unglue your ass from that sofa and get your shit together.
And remember: Coffee is for closers only.

5. POLITICAL SATIRE

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find “G. Gordon Liddy, Agent of C.R.E.E.P.”,
from the October 1973 issue of National Lampoon, with its immortal
line, “Smoke this, Hippie!”

Speaking of political views:

Satire is intrinsically conservative. By definition, it seeks to
rectify what the satirist perceives as folly.

I’ll not bore folks here with distinctions such as Horatian and
Juvenalian satire, but you can look it up.

Anyhow:

I recently read this passage from Saul Bellow’s Herzog:

“I took a list of the traits of paranoia from a psychiatrist
recently–I asked him to jot them down for me…. It read, “Pride,
Anger, Excessive ‘Rationality,’ Homosexual Inclinations,
Competitiveness, Mistrust of Emotion, Inability to Bear Criticism,
Hostile Projections, Delusions. It’s all there–all!” (77)

Again, this seems to me a nearly letter-perfect description of Maoism.

Specifically, that right thar is a classic depiction of a
paranoid Maoist totalitarian state, replete with bureaucracy and
polymorphous perversity.

And of all totalitarian states.

It’s funny how certain narratives resonate for decades after their
vogue has passed.

Take, for instance, Theodore Dreiser’s 1925 novel An American Tragedy.

What is it, after all, but the dark lady/fair lady archetype?

And what is, say, Archie Comics, but merely the comedic version of An
American Tragedy?

All this stuff seems, and is, I’m quite willing to concede, peripheral.

But just as “nature loves to hide,” so do these patterns and archetypes.

They pervade the stories we tell each other.

And the narratives that politicians spin.

We don’t think logically. True, we are partially civilized. We have,
on the one hand, partially evolved beyond our basest fight-or-flight
instincts and are capable of planning for the future.

And yet, when it comes to making choices, we mostly remain enslaved by
our gut reactions.

Because we’re still swayed by emotional responses to what should be
calculated cost-benefit analyses.

All these light/dark, rich/poor, conservative/liberal arguments are
reductive and irrational.

That’s not to say that watching all this from the perch of a
self-styled satirist isn’t enormous fun.

6. BULLIES
I knew three bullies with names almost too good to be true.

DANNY BOSS
REX MOUNTS
LEE MARVIN

I have since been informed that the following individuals named below
were also known as bullies:
Joanimal.
The Gooch.
Bunky Hart.
Cad.

Cad? Sounds like an S.E. Hinton heavy. Rich boy, but a real shtarker.

Buddy Hinton.

The notion of a bully named “Buddy” is almost too painfully ironic.

Gabriel Bullcord.

The last name is almost too good. Nearly as good as Danny Boss and Rex
Mounts. Is it possible that there’s something about their names that
inclines boys to take up the occupation of bullies? Coincidentally,
only today someone told me about a horror writer with the suspiciously
eerie name of Bentley Little.

SEE:

In my 6th grade at Northview Heights Elementary and Middle School
there was a bully girl named Sirlus Newton.

GHETTO NAMES:
http://www.2babynames.com/ghetto-names.shtml

Bob and Charles Crumb’s nemesis was named “Skutch”.
Immortalized here:

Then there’s Archie Comics’ “Big Moose”, based–as all the characters
were–on real people living in Haverhill, Massachusetts.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie_Andrews_(comics)

Finally, there’s BIG LOOTCHIE.
Harvey Kurtzman came up with that one.

But I have to admit that the name that tops them all is:
Beefer Wells.

I’ll say it again.

Beefer Wells.

7. LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR
“Novelists tend to be satisfied with being overestimated.”–R. Smoley

Who will be remembered in 50 years?

John Grisham
Elmore Leonard
John Updike
Norman Mailer
Louis L’Amour
Stephen King
Toni Morrison

Likely, none.

Possibly Toni Morrison’s “Song of Solomon” and Norman Mailer’s “The
Executioner’s Song”.

Plus Cormac McCarthy’s “Blood Meridian.”

Any others?

Martin Amis? Salman Rushdie?

Saul Bellow? Graham Greene? Philip Roth, perhaps?

Now, some might argue that the like of Tom Clancy is far more
interesting than, say, Kit Marlowe. (Well, as far as “Tamburlaine the
Great” is concerned, they may be right. I know that play well. Thirty
years ago, as a college undergraduate, I wrote a nasty essay about the
sequel and got into a 20 minute telephone argument with a grad
assistant. Incidentally, the sequel’s even worse than part one.) Even
Marlowe’s continuing fame rests on his status with his medium; to wit,
Elizabethan playwrights.

But let’s face it–Clancy has degenerated into a fucking hack who
panders to jarheads and militia nuts. His loving descriptions of
armament are gun porn for impotent wankers.

Anyway….

I have no time to discuss the many aesthetic dimensions of this controversy.

But kindly name me the bestselling authors of 1958.

See what I mean?

Perhaps one or two are remembered at all.

For instance, Boris Pasternak and Vladimir Nabokov.

Anyway, for every “Catch-22” there are a hundred novels from that era
about which the best can be said is “such crap it was”.

As for 100 years ago, forget it:
SEE:
http://printedpages.wordpress.com/2008/07/19/bestseller-list-of-books-from-1900-to-1909/

ALSO SEE:

What prompts these cynical thoughts?

I am looking at the current NYTBR fiction bestsellers.

And reflecting that hardly one of those people will be remembered in 50 years.

Hardly a one.

And in 100 years?

Not one.

8. WHAT TO NAME THE BABY
Mokey
Little Bro
Plastic Man
Kew-Liga
Yojimbo
Mistah Beefy ‘n’ Chewy
Rollo the Rich Kid
Jeaxjeux
Uncle Grandpa
Scrappy Doo
Mosca
Stinky
Bruto
Scrappy
Cthulhu
Moloch
Chita
Igor
Cyclops
Damian
Beer
Osman
Hezikiah
Skitch Henderson
Knut
Yeshua
X the Unknown
The Highbinder
Mr. Man
Big Chief Hug ‘Em and Kiss ‘Em
Sir Airbag
Bojo
Musth

9. WORST COMIC STRIPS EVER

‘For Better or For Worse’ strip to change Monday
Published Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Readers of the popular comic strip “For Better or For Worse” Creator
Lynn Johnston announced she will draw the comic strip in the style she
used 29 years ago when the Patterson family first appeared on comic
pages. Johnston will start retelling their story from the beginning,
blending half of the classic original strips with new material.

Great. Now it’ll be half mediocre drawing and half incredibly bad drawing.

Sappy and sentimental, For Better or For Worse, like Sydney Smith’s
“The Gumps,” will be all but forgotten in 50 years.

My nominees for The Worst Comic Strip Ever:

Mark Trail.
Gil Thorp.
Mary Worth.
Hi and Lois.
Luanne.
Adam @ Home.
Pluggers.
Hagar the Horrible.
Spider-Man.
The Gumps.

For instance, see:
http://www.cracked.com/article_15667_5-most-unintentionally-hilarious-comic-strips.html

“Pluggers,” in particular has, in the words of Eric Doberman, caused
me to unleash the fury for years.

It’s smug agitprop.

Always hated it.

Always will.

That sort of anti-art has roused my ire since at least 1977.

I’m reminded of the time Groucho Marx was tripping with Paul Krassner.
Groucho said something very wise.

“I’m really getting quite a kick out of this notion of playing God
like a dirty old man in Skidoo. You wanna know why? Do you realize
that irreverence and reverence are the same thing?”

“Always?”

“If they’re not, then it’s a misuse of your power to make people laugh”

And right after he said that, his eyes began to tear.

SOURCE:
http://www.sirbacon.org/4membersonly/groucho.htm

If you’re on the lookout for comic strip artists who had major
neuroses, not to mention the outright space-cases, you might want to
look up Ham Fisher, Al Capp, Chester Gould , Elzie Segar and Harold
Gray, and that’s just for starters.

Fisher was a narcissist in a league all his own.

Capp’s entire career was defined by self-loathing.

Gould’s strips were unspeakably ghoulish and cruel.

Segar published some of the most hilariously vulgar stuff ever. In 1939!

And Harold Gray was such a paleoconservative that, after FDR died, he
had Daddy Warbucks come back from the dead!
(“There’s a change in the weather,” said ‘Daddy’.)

Check out Don Markstein’s toonopedia for more info on the creators of
Joe Palooka, L’il Abner, Dick Tracy, Thimble Theatre, and Little
Orphan Annie.

http://www.toonopedia.com/

Comics Between the Panels also dishes some of the dirt:
http://www.amazon.com/Comics-Between-Panels-Mike-Richardson/dp/1569713448

As does:
http://www.amazon.com/I-Have-Live-This-Guy/dp/1893905160/ref=sid_dp_dp

And this is quite possibly the best book ever written about Al Capp:

Incidentally, I wonder if Al Capp ever dropped acid?

We do know he had a fascination with mushrooms:
http://dimensionsmagazine.com/Weight_Room/art/daisy_mae.html

And what of the sinister conspiracy between Capp, Sinatra, Karloff,
Dali and Gleason?

http://www.toonopedia.com/lena.htm
http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/2007/01/25/comic-book-urban-legends-revealed-87/

The Dali-Gleason connection is that the former designed an album cover
for the latter. Also, Gleason and Sinatra were portrayed hanging out
together in the first (and only worthwhile) chapter of DeLillo’s
UNDERWORLD.

10.
TERRIFYING ME THROUGH VISIONS
“Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifying me through visions;
so that my soul chooseth strangling, and death rather than my
life.”– Job xvii.,14-15.

I had an odd dream this morning.

I was in a bar in Somerville, MA.

I saw a woman working there who I knew from years ago.

She was currently in an all-female band called:

THE POPES.

She thanked me for suggesting the name of her previous band:

THE TRAITOR ROLLS.

I left the bar and went looking for my car.

It was gone.

Towed.

I tore out a portion of cyclone fence and screamed:

I HATE YOU SOMERVILLE!

I walked into a comic book store, looking for a phone to call the
police, and a friend of mine was behind the counter.

And then I woke.
http://www.paranormality.com/dream_dictionary.shtml

11. MOVIE OF THE WEEK
TO SIRHAN, WITH LOVE
Hypnotised Palestinian assassin falls in love with saucy British high
school student. Doctor who hypnotized him brags about it afterward.

12. ERIC CARMEN ARRESTED FOR DRUNK DRIVING
http://www.tmz.com/2008/09/10/hungry-bloodshot-eyes/

You know–the lead singer for the 70s band Raspberries.

Now, let me say this: I fully acknowledge the greatness of the Raspberries.

They’re like the Beach Boys with Meth Mouth.

I say Beach Boys for the close Harmonies, and meth mouth for their
faint but omnipresent aura of white trashiness.

Because there has always been something ineffably sweet but also
faintly sordid about the Raspberries. Listening to them is like
watching Donald Duck blowing teamsters down by the docks for chump
change.

For where they stand in the realm in cheap, infinitely disposable, but
somehow hypnotically relevant background noise gives them a tripartite
nature.

They were the soundtrack to the lives of the young boomers who were
born between 1956 and 1964 who were too young to be hippies, yet too
old to be punks.

Off in the city theirs was the perfect music for stoner drunks because
it was both sweet and lowdown, and it went down like Romilar doctored
with soot.

Yet it could also serve as the theme music playing in the background
as the Hillbilly gal in the shotgun shack turned to her first date and
said, “Git off me Paw; yer crushin’ muh smokes.”

Fellow musician Tim Mungenast says “‘Go All the Way’ is stentorian in
a good way. The beef-and-taters band is an effective counterweight to
Eric’s good-but-whispy voice. As my brother said when the heavy middle
section of that song kicked in, ‘Wow, now it sounds like they’ve got a
pair!'”

I agree.

The Rasbs are subtle.

But in an obvious way.

The arrangements are key.

You can tell they worked hard on them.

And that’s the problem.

It’s supposed to seem transparent.

Like good acting.

Scenery-chewing pleases the rubes, but the cognoscenti will always
disproportionately value restraint.

I get the same trailer-trashiness vibe from Heart.

Anyway, I’ll always have a soft spot for “Go All the Way.”

And “Ma-Ma-Belle.”

And, God help me, “Bird of Prey” by Uriah Heep. (Until the CD reissue,
it was available only on the import-only version of “Salisbury”.)

Anyway, I suspect that when accused of drunk driving, Eric leaned out
the window of the car with his whiskey breath, looked at the arresting
officer and crooned:

“It feels so right….”

13. THE STORY OF YOUR FAVORITE BAND
1) Years of struggle.
2) A few years of cult success.
3) A few years of mainstream success.
4) Several years of decline.
5) Break-up. Frontman goes solo. Years of obscurity. Reunion. Then:
a) Touring the oldies circuit, or
b) Scattering to the four winds.

Advertisements

THE INFORMATION #978 FEBRUARY 2, 2018

THE INFORMATION #978
FEBRUARY 2, 2018
Copyright 2018 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

It’s an odd thing, but anyone who disappears is said to be seen in San Francisco.–Oscar Wilde

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART SIXTY-TWO: DAYS OF WRATH

“But, too, out in the good old far west, Yob–you know, the frontier country–the people are different from you or I,” said Count Victor Justin to Cadger Tandy. “For openers, they are a fair sight more gullible. Secondly, they are a lot more prone to be quite fond of strong waters. And thirdly, by and large they are a rather lubberly lot. Not to say that there ain’t some aristocrats among them, real and imagined. Only, usually, they have been imported from back East. A lot of smart people, too, some of them, but many of them are triflers, and don’t amount to a whole hill of beans, or else they would of stayed back East. But seeing as how they’ve probably gotten caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy or some such peccadillo, why, they migrate West to make a new start. Where else can a former pickpocket become a sheriff, or a vice lord start a new lease on life as a well-loved philanthropist, or a con man become a Governor of the whole state? Them other ones who come here, who ain’t in disgrace, tend to be paupers. They stream into sunny California and are savages, most of them, from the midwest. Especially Indiana, for some damn reason. Maybe things down south have gotten too hot for those goddamn Hoosiers. There’s something about that place, I don’t know what. Maybe it’s the preponderance of lead in the water. Ask Eddie Gibbon. Anyhoo, some of the most notorious grifters I ever met out there were from some bumfuck little town outside of Fort Wayne or Gary, though nearly all of them maintained that they actually came from Indianapolis. That’s the Capital city, y’see. That’s also the only one that most people have ever heard of. Gives you some idea of the intellectual firepower of those fucking Hoosiers, that they couldn’t even come up with a more original name than ‘Indianapolis.’ That would be like me calling a town ‘White Man City.’ Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Though when it comes right down to it, every town is White Man City. And don’t the riff-raff know it. Ain’t nothin’ the nigra can do about it, neither. It’ll be about another hundred years before that happens, and we’ll all be dead.

“Some of them migrants only make it as far as Denver. And a more trifling lot of desperadoes I’ve never net anywhere else. Those who do go all the way west tend to figure out some kind of grift for themselves. In San Fran’ you’ll find madmen, pickpockets, gay cavaliers, and all the same sort of big city trash you’ll find in the east, only they’re more likely to wear cowboy boots or abstain from meat. And the whores! Whores to rival the demimondaines of fabled Storyville. San Francisco is also where you will find hissing Japanese whose breath smells of raw fish and sluggish Chinamen intoxicated with the fumes of opium and enormously fat Hawaiians with fingers good and greasy from eating an entire roast pig with their fingers and wiping their asses on banana leaves. Then there was the down and out drunken Irish pug named Sailor Kelly, who’d get into the prizefighting ring down on Pacific Street with a one-eyed bear named Professor Stuffington.

“The Barbary Coast along the North Shore is a dangerous place for to venture. Even Pinkertons and Fly Coppers ain’t any too fond of going there. Go to get your ashes hauled and you just might wind up in a panel house, where a gorilla hidden behind the arras might maul you, goodo. Or the barkeep at a deadfall might mix you a Mickey Finn–raw alcohol with a chloral chaser– that would put paid for ye. Leastways, you’d never be the same man again. Ye might even get yourself Shanghaied and end up on a slow boat to China. Or a lush-roller might knock some sense into your noggin with a lead-lined cosh and teach you a lesson in temperance. Or a dance-hall girl might cozen you into fucking her and leave you with an empty wallet and a dose of the clap. Or a pretty waiter girl at a melodeon might coax you into spending a year’s wages on food and drink, and later on the Bluto at the door might shove you unceremoniously out onto the street, head first, once all your oofish was gone. Many are the pitfalls of neighborhoods like Little Sydney and The Coast, p’ticularly in the days before the great fire. You could go to Chinatown, Yob, and float off to Nirvana of the fumes of Opium, but then you’ll be after getting a habit and ending up in the clink, where you’ll end up clucking with the dope sick and shittin’ out a full-grown yen shee baby. I’ve personally witnessed this nasty little operation, and brother, I’ll tell you what–it sure looked as though it hurt like Mr. Dickens Himself.

“Let’s face it, Yob–the thugs of Noxtown and Blowtown come across as pikers when you compare them to the criminal element out West. The thieves out there are mucho slick; the burglars are more wily; the whoremasters are more brutal, the zooks are more treacherous, and the killers are more fearsome in both reputation and appearance. The gambling houses run more crooked games than anyone can imagine, and right out in the open, too, no less. The Clap Doctors all do a land-office business, and the priests work overtime to counter the influence of the never-stemmed tide of blasphemy, profanity, and lewd behavior. Out West, the poor are more wretched, even though for most of the year they’re not likely to freeze to death. Maybe it’s the easy living that makes them come a cropper when it comes to stick-to-itiveness. The miners and sailors get into frequent rows and all too often ordinary citizens are called upon to pick sides. Young men and their so-called volunteer fire departments fight battle royals over who is going to get to quench a given flame. Oftentimes these Brannigans and donnybrooks take place while the fire itself roars brightly in the foreground, with the result that the house or store has oftener ‘n’ not already burned to a crisp before anyone has managed to spray so much as a drop of water on the inferno….

“Very appropriately, too…. San Francisco? Small wonder the zooks and Sailors call it Madport. For a mad inferno it be.”

1*SALUTATION
SHANNON & THE CLAMS
POINT OF BEING RIGHT

SEE ALSO:
THE RAT HOUSE

ALSO SEE:
THE WARLOCK IN THE WOODS

ALSO SEE:
THE TAMMYS
EGYPTIAN SHUMBA

2*REFERENCE
THE RISE AND FALL OF ROME IN FIVE MINUTES
http://mentalfloss.com/article/53163/rise-and-fall-rome-5-minutes

3*HUMOR
MAKE YOUR DOG FEEL IMPORTANT
fourcolorshadows.blogspot.com/2010/12/milt-gross-reviews-news-picture-news.html

4*NOVELTY
GORILLA SUIT DAY
On Wednesday, January 31st we will celebrate the 55th anniversary of National Gorilla Suit Day.
happydays-365.com/gorilla-suit-day/national-gorilla-suit-day-january-31/

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
BEING SINGLE IN AMERICA
http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2015/07/06/has-being-single-in-america-changed/a-rise-in-the-number-of-those-living-alone

6* DAILY UTILITY
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
RAPPIN’ RODNEY

7*CARTOON
SNAKE HANDLERS
fourcolorshadows.blogspot.com/2010/12/snake-worship-in-usa-picture-news-1945.html

8*PRESCRIPTION
TO BUILD A FIRE
JACK LONDON
A corking yarn of life (and death) at 50 below.
americanenglish.state.gov/files/ae/resource_files/to-build-a-fire.pdf

ALSO SEE:
OYMYAKON: COLDEST TOWN ON EARTH
https://www.wired.com/2015/01/amos-chapple-the-coldest-place-on-earth/
weather.com/weather/tenday/l/RSXX5470:1:RS

9* RUMOR PATROL
SALVADOR DALI VS. BUGS BUNNY
“Later he left New York en route to Cannes, carrying a 5-foot-tall, purple Bugs Bunny doll that had been given to him as a bon voyage gift. ‘This is the most ugly and frightening animal in the world,’ he said.’I will paint it with mayonnaise and make it an object of art.'”
http://articles.latimes.com/1989-01-24/news/mn-969_1_salvador-dali

10* LAGNIAPPE
OS MUTANTES
A MINHA MININA

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
THE DOUCHE CHILLS: CARROT TOP VS. HITLER
Some people just give you the douche chills.

I admit that I would be hard-pressed to decide who was worse.

Between Carrot Top:
The 5 Worst Carrot Top Bits

And Hitler:

12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
WHAT IS VOCAL FRY?
People who use vocal fry sound for all the world like middle schoolers talking trash in front of a box fan.
https://youtu.be/4L7-9N1xQZA

THE INFORMATION #977 JANUARY 26, 2018

THE INFORMATION #977
JANUARY 26, 2018
Copyright 2018 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

“There’s a sucker born every minute, and one to trim ’em and one to knock ’em.”–anon.

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART SIXTY-ONE: DAYS OF WRATH

“Leave town, Yob, if you know what’s good for you,” said Count Victor Justin to Cadger Tandy. “Because the home folk will weigh ye down, and hold you back. Always. Count on it. The way I see it, tending to their needs is way worse than an oil-burner drug habit. So don’t ye let ’em drag ye down. Cut ’em loose, first chance as ye get. Y’see, due to their own improvidence the home folk are unwilling to live within their means–as their pride makes them always want to act the big shot, y’ see, and what does it get ’em? Laughed at, mostly, by people who save their dosh and invest it frugally. Now, I like the high life as much as the next Yellof, or maybe a little more–but I won’t spend my last century note livin’ in a penthouse suite, like some would-be flash characters are prone to do. Such ostentation goes against my grain, in any event. It’s not a part of the story I tell the world. Only the nouveau-riche and other such parvenus make a big splash with their ooftish to wow the locals. Me, I operate more in a mode of quiet restraint. I like a good bottle of champagne as much as the next toper, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna drop a deuce on that swill they sell in those fake bottles with the musty corks.

“I knew a boxer out West–Frisco Eddie, I think it was. They also called him ‘Sailor,’ on account of how he was some kind of fisherman or something. Anyway, once he won a couple of fat purses, you couldn’t tell him nothing about maybe socking away some of his ooftish for a rainy day. No, he threw away his corn-cob pipe and started in to smokin’ dollar cigars. He got a big tattoo of a skinny mermaid on his back. He turned up his nose at beer and would only lap up the finest French brandy. Instead of a nice salad and some lean steak to build muscle, he would go the whole hog–caviar and oysters and suchlike. Soon, he was spending the shekels as fast as he brought them in, and then he started in to gambling and lending money to his new pals and living beyond his means and was unfortunate enough to fall into debt with some pretty rough customers and so he had to throw a few fights in order to get square with them and very soon he was a bum–just another pug as has fallen on hard times. I had touched him one time for a c-note, and when I paid him back, his gratitude knew no bounds, and he began following me around like a little puppy and I had to give him the brush off, though kinda gentle like, as there’s no percentage in making an enemy of a man who thinks you’re a swell gee. Especially if he’s won more fights than he ever lost. My God, but boxers can be stupid. Lemme tellya, you don’t see no surgeons or carpenters getting into bare-knuckle brawls. Frisco Eddie’s hands were lacerated with rope burns from pulling up heavy nets and were also scarred pretty good from gutting and scaling fish. He maybe should have bowed out of his fishing career a bit sooner. It was his old man who kept him working at it. He never figured the boxing thing would ever pan out in the long run. And he was right. Some pugs save their dosh and buy a restaurant or a bar. Not Frisco Eddie. As I understand it, he got into some kind of trouble. They caught him trying to carry off a whole safe. Woulda got away with it too, if it wasn’t for the bulldog. Some of his gangster pals chipped in and got him a good lawyer, and he skipped bail and went back to Frisco. But then, as it turns out, he blew town after the great earthquake and fire, and the last I heard, he was working at a fruit cannery for the Hunt brothers down in San Jose. Under an assumed name, natch. No more champagne suppers for him! Every now and then, someone recognizes him from his days in the ring. ‘Say…ain’t you…?’ ‘Maybe once. But I ain’t no more.’

“It must of been hell for him, to have to work in a factory for his three squares a day. Y’know, most boxers are lazy and somewhat allergic to hard work. Why else would they get into a game where you’re paid to brawl? Of course, only the ones who are industrious ever get anywhere. They do their road work, they work out with the medicine ball and the light and heavy bag, they get plenty of sleep, and they chaw on raw meat and spit out the gristle and swaller the blood. They certainly don’t go around chasing floogies and painting the town red the night before a big match, less’n they’re planning to take a flop and they want the whole world to know it, which ain’t likely. But that is just what Frisco Eddie would do. I’m halfway convinced that a lot of these pugs beat on on other fellers because what they really want to be doin’ is be beatin’ up on themselves.

“Speaking of Yobs as like to punish themselves…I don’t know how people can stand to gamble on sporting events. Don’t they know that the fix is always in? Boxing is the worst, of course. But even major league baseball games are fixed. And don’t get me started on college football games. All it takes is one letterman with a weakness for Gin…and Gin Rummy…and you’ve got yourself a willing confederate. And all your popular games of chance is mostly gaffed. Shaved dice–or even tat dice that only have fives and sixes–rigged roulette wheels, marked cards, you name it, and someone has thought of it. So why do so many people who ought to know better indulge in this pastime? Pure greed, that’s all. The desire to get something for nothing. Which, according to the laws of physics as I understand them, just ain’t possible. Sure, I’m a grifter. Honest work pains me. A life of drudging along just to stay afloat is not for me. I know the grift, and I’m with it and for it, all the way. But even a born grifter has got to put some thought and effort into fleecing the chumps and savages. That’s why I almost never gamble. Because the fix is in. The fix is always in. In fact, that is the only fact you can count on.

“Forget politics. Forget reform movements. What point of view will win? Whatever side has the most money. That is always the way.”

1*SALUTATION
THE WALKER BROTHERS
THE SUN AIN’T GONNA SHINE ANYMORE

2*REFERENCE
The philosophy of William Shakespeare delineating in seven hundred and fifty passages, selected from his plays, the multiform phases of the human mind
https://books.google.com/books?id=5Z8NAAAAQAAJ&pg

3*HUMOR
PORNIFIED CLASSICS
ANNE OF GROIN GOBBLES

More:
http://prince.org/msg/100/84705
http://prince.org/msg/100/84705?&pg=2

4*NOVELTY
Google’s museum app finds your fine art doppelgänger
https://www.engadget.com/2018/01/15/googles-museum-app-finds-your-fine-art-doppelganger/

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
French Actor Catherine Deneuve Says Men Should be Free to Seduce Women
http://time.com/5096442/catherine-deneuve-sexual-misconduct-defense/

6* DAILY UTILITY
Protect your baby from the evil eye
http://www.thenamemeaning.com/baby-articles/evil-eye-curse-protection-cure-for-baby-and-kid/

7*CARTOON
JACQUES DUTRONC
ET MOI ET MOI ET MOI

ALSO SEE:
Françoise Hardy & Jacques Dutronc
MINI MINI MINI

She was the French yéyé’s romantic and tormented songwriter, he was their clownish playboy: two of the 1960s legendary muses were meant to get together. But being a couple is not obviously synonymous of being together for the unusual lovers. A couple since 1967 and married since 1981, Françoise Hardy has never hidden her partner’s multiple affairs, his strong taste for alcohol and eccentric night trips. Because the affection and love they have for each other has never faded, the singers propose a new definition of romantic relationships, independent and free: Françoise Hardy, in Paris with her astrology books and cats, Jacques Dutronc, in Corsica with his cigars. She was the first to officially go on a passionate romance with another and he now presents his new partner, Sylvie, to the media. Yet still no separation nor divorce has occured and the two lovers that evoke twins because of their physical similarities are maybe simply that: twins, an emotional unity within two separate bodies.”

theredlist.com/wiki-2-24-224-270-view-very-french-profile-francoise-hardy-jacques-dutronc.html

8*PRESCRIPTION
Rib Eye ala Mediterranean
Take one three pound rib eye roast. Salt heavily on both sides, with kosher or rock salt. Bake in pan at 425 for 20 minutes.

Remove from pan. Knock off excess salt. Set oven at 325. Add about 8-12 ounces of vegetable broth, and about eight potatoes. Restore roast to pan. Cover with aluminum foil. Bake in oven for one hour, or 20 minutes per pound. When removing roast from oven, let sit for at least ten minutes before carving.

Take two slices of rib eye. Cut into about ten stripes. Put in bottom of dish. Add salt to taste. Drizzle with good olive oil. Layer cooked potato sliced into strips on top. Layer spinach cooked with garlic on top of steak and potato. Layer mushrooms sauteed in olive oil on top of meat, potatoes and spinach.

9* RUMOR PATROL
MLK: SEX FIEND?
“I’m fucking for God!”–MLK
http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/1998/02/all_kings_men.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/16/magazine/what-an-uncensored-letter-to-mlk-reveals.html

10* LAGNIAPPE
LES PAUL & MARY FORD
HOW HIGH THE MOON

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
REX REED BANGS A GONG ON THE MEDIOCRITY OF MODERN LIFE
[Rex Reed] once signed a petition supporting John Lennon when the government was trying to deport Mr. Lennon because of his drug use and political activism. Mr. Lennon thanked him with a one-year subscription to TV Guide, Mr. Reed said, adding, “That was his bible. All he did was lie around stoned watching television.”

12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
Macaulay, on Boswell
“Servile and impertinent, shallow and pedantic, a bigot and a sot, bloated with family pride, and eternally blustering about the dignity of a born gentleman, yet stooping to be a talebearer, an eavesdropper, a common butt in the taverns of London…; such was this man, and such he was content and proud to be….Every thing which another man would have hidden, every thing the publication of which would have made another man hang himself, was matter of gay and clamorous exultation to his weak and diseased mind.”
https://books.google.com/books?id=6fIXAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA170&lpg=PA170&dq=

THE INFORMATION #976 JANUARY 19, 2018

THE INFORMATION #976
JANUARY 19, 2018
Copyright 2018 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.–H.L. Mencken

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART SIXTY: DAYS OF WRATH

“Yob,” said Count Victor Justin to Cadger Tandy, “There’s only one man I fear more than the Devil, and that’s Cokey Stolas, The Gib Yellof. And I don’t believe in the devil–‘cept maybe when I’m deep in my cups–a weakness of mine, along with a fear of heights–but I’m sure as hell careful not to tangle assholes with the G.Y. Even as a Ettil Yob, they say he went by many names. The Irish called him Sully. The Dagoes called him Cheech. The Nigras called him Chilly Willy the Ice Man. The Dutch kids called him Zunder. The Polacks called him “Slow Corpias.” The Chinese called him Ling Ting Tong, which someone told me means “crazy monkey”. The patrolman on the beat used to call him “Jinx.” as bad things happened when he was around. But nobody dast blame him. His father Noah Stolas, was an alderman and later a state senator, and he had a powerful amount of say-so in the way the muck-a-mucks ran Blowtown. You better believe that no butterfly so much as flapped a wing without old Noah knowing about it. You want to know how he gained so much influence? His father before him owned a saw mill, and his father before that, a grist mill. They saved their dough and loaned money at high interest and always got it back by means fair and foul and they invested in all the scrub farmland in and around Noxtown. Many a man has lost his shirt investing in real estate, but many a man has grown wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice. If it means salting a few mines to make suckers in the big stick country think they’re rich in gold, silver and copper, then what of it?

“Say–did you hear the one about the sharecropper who looked up from his plow and saw the letters ‘P.C.’ in the sky? He told his Pastor that he took it for a sign–that he was to sell his farm and ‘Preach Christ’. The Pastor gentled him down. ‘It means no such thing, Zeke, even though God does work in mysterious ways. Do you want me to tell you what it signifies? I’ll tell you what “P.C.” means. It means “Plant Corn.”‘ Haww….

“Of course, you know that farmers are a conspiracy–they control the nation’s food supply. And if they was to put their heads together, they’d almost be dangerous–as William Jennings Bryan can attest.

“But no. You may think farmers are stupid. Yob–I know they are. Do you think staring at a mule’s ass all day produces gigantic intellects? The answer, in case you don’t know it already, is no. One time I took a farmer for 1500 smackeroos on a bait and switch con. Wouldn’t you know it–the country younker hunts me down a year later and says, in a cracked and feeble voice, ‘Stranger, I know our last proposition didn’t work out due to unforeseen circumstances, but I’m convinced that we could still make a go of it.’

“Did you tell him it was all a bunko scheme?” asked Cadger Tandy.

“Oh, HELL no,” said the Count. “Get this through your head, Ettil Yob–there’s no percentage in wising up a sucker. None. Do lawyers tell the client about the right of habeas corpus? Hell no! Does the pharmacist tell the fatsos those dieting pills he’s peddling are placebos made of sugar and chalk? Hell no! Does the dago tell you there’s no olives in the olive oil? Hell no! The con man who is with it and for it–and nearly all of them all–will never give away his grift. He’s sooner spend a year in jail than murmur so much as a peep. The underworld don’t cotton to snitches–they tend to have weak characters, and when the chips are down, you can’t rely on them. Many a hard con has danced a Tyburn jig or even sat in the flame stool rather than give away a pal.

“No–I took that farmer for 800 dollars? What can you do, when the sucker is virtually begging you to swindle him? Oh, you need never fear that it was a trap. I had him checked out thoroughly by my confederates. The sucker actually said what he meant and meant what he said. There’s a certyain kind of man who, once he gets the notion of getting rich quick, why, he simply won’t let go. Miller, I think his name was. He told me to call him Lucky. I did, but behind his back I called him “Dumbo”. He was just as stupid as a man can be, and still live. I’ll tell you something, Yob–among certified grifters, it’s a sin not to swindle such a gay cat. If I was to let him in on the grift, he would tell all his fatty friends, and then where would an honest grifter scratch for his coin?

“It’s funny how these farmers are as tight as a tick when it comes to spening shekels on the wife,, but when it comes to making an easy dollar, why, they’re Johnny on the Spot and open their purses like it’s raining ooftish. I am a great admirer of Ignacy Paderewski, but if he gave me half a chance, I wouldn’t even bother telling him to get a haircut. No, I’d swindle him just the same.

“Even easier than taking farmers is swindling greenhorns. You can always tell a greenhorn that’s just off the boat. They have a tentative air about them, and a strained smile that ain’t sincere, and they always want to be your friend so they’ll have a powerful protector who speaks the language–only tell me–what’s in it for me? So you wait down by Castle Bay and you meet ’em fresh off the gangplank and you take ’em for everything they have, just as slick as snot. To do that, you invite ’em for a drink. You pay for the first round, naturally. After all, the Greenie is your ‘guest’. If he balks at buying the next round, why, you slip him a mickey. If he don’t, the result is eventually the same. The barkeep has got his wad and you meet up with him later and divvy the take 50/50. And the dumb Greenie is found the next morning in an alley, with most of his clothes missing and stray cats licking his feet. I always wanted to see how they explained themselves to the police, but, quite understandably, I never stuck around that long. Of course, if the Yellof is a big lug, sometimes you can sell him to a ship’s captain…and make a pretty penny that way as well! Nice work if you can get it!”

1*SALUTATION
NINA SIMONE
MISSISSIPPI GODDAMN (LIVE IN NEW YORK 1964)

SINNERMAN (LIVE IN NEW YORK 1965)

LIL LIZA JANE (LIVE IN NEWPORT 1960)

ALSO SEE:
I THINK IT’S GOING TO RAIN TODAY

REVOLUTION

2*REFERENCE
THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD IN ONE PICTURE
http://www.visualcapitalist.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/histomap-big.html

3*HUMOR
THE QUALITY OF MOUSEY AND OTHER CARTOONS
books.google.com/books?id=jRcCo3M9losC&pg=PA222&lpg=PA222&dq

4*NOVELTY
WHAT HAPPENS TO BOILING WATER AT 40 BELOW

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
Meat Pillows: 2000 calorie treat
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toasted_ravioli

6* DAILY UTILITY
THE BIBLE SAYS…מְכַשֵּׁפָ֖ה לֹ֥א תְחַיֶּֽה׃ ס
Mere females ought to be respectful to all men. My religion tells me so. And all men agree.
http://biblehub.com/interlinear/exodus/22-18.htm

7*CARTOON
IF SUPERMAN HAD BEEN RAISED BY CRIMINALS
A story with that theme was published in 1960.
https://www.cbr.com/superman-evil-twin-retcon/

SEE ALSO:
WOMEN GETTING SLAPPED IN DC COMICS
SUPERMAN’S PAL #61 (1962)
http://siskoid.blogspot.com/2015/06/snapshots-of-jimmy-olsen-26-roughneck.html

Read Grant Morrison’s Supergods for more about the psychosocial preoccupations of Mort Weisinger.
http://www.amazon.com/Supergods-Vigilantes-Miraculous-Mutants-Smallville/dp/0812981383

Refer also to Gershon Legman’s monograph Love and Death for more about the sex/violence nexus of postwar American pulp fiction.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Death-Study-Censorship-Legman/dp/B001GK5VTS

Also see Legman’s article in Neurotica 3 (1948), “The Psychopathology of the Comics.”

ALSO SEE:
“He thought he was having a picnic, but all he got to eat was hot lead and a couple thousand volts of blue juice.”
digitalcomicmuseum.com/preview/index.php?did=9136&page=17

“Here’s a century. get fixed up. I don’t want my boys lookin’ like slobs.”
digitalcomicmuseum.com/preview/index.php?did=9136&page=18

8*PRESCRIPTION
PRESIDENT OPRAH; VICE PRESIDENT MAPLE-SOAKED HOT DOG BUNS
I once saw Oprah drink ice water in defiance of Deepak Chopra.

But she’s been on board with every quack remedy touted in the 21st century.

Meaning, at the very least, that’s she’s gullible. Not a systematic or rational thinker. Addicted to all forms of supernatural and paranormal woo-woo.

Little better than a medicine show huckster peddling Dr. Daffy’s Elixir to credulous yokels.
http://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/1/9/16868216/oprah-winfrey-pseudoscience

With her very own Ten-in-One.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/hall-of-fame-guests-where-are-they-now_2
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/outcasts-in-their-own-families
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/stacey-halprins-weight-loss-journey
http://www.oprah.com/health/adult-obesity-900-pound-mom/all

SEE ALSO:
I could argue that she should be disqualified simply on the basis of her promotion of “The Secret,” a multimedia juggernaut that claimed that the entire universe and every moment of human experience are governed by “the law of attraction.” This is the idea that if you wish really hard for something — say, washboard abs or a new Birkin bag — it will, through the magical power created by your thoughts, find its way to you. With Oprah’s help, and because America produces an endless supply of gullible nincompoops, “The Secret” was a gigantic hit.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2018/01/08/get-a-grip-people-oprah-should-not-run-for-president/?utm_term=.3f4475fd28ce

SEE ALSO:
I had been doing very well, then I made the mistake of visiting my old haunts—the food stalls at the mall. But I didn’t succumb. Instead, I literally ran out of there. After getting home, I was overwhelmed by a compulsion to eat. As I opened cabinet after cabinet, I found only salt, Tabasco sauce, Argo starch and maple syrup. And in the freezer, a package of frozen hot dog buns. Quickly I turned the oven on a broil, threw the buns in to thaw out, and, even before they could, I grabbed the syrup and smeared it over the partly burnt, partly frozen buns. Looking back, I see no difference between myself and a junkie, scrambling for a needle and whatever dope might be around. Food was my drug.
people.com/archive/restricted-you-arent-just-what-you-eat-vol-46-no-11/

ALSO SEE:
ELIZABETH WARREN ON OPRAH
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2018/01/10/elizabeth_warren_on_oprah_i_dont_know_if_america_wants_another_celebrity_billionaire_president.html

9* RUMOR PATROL
PARALLAX VIEW SOUNDTRACK NOTES
https://www.filmscoremonthly.com/notes/parallax_view.html

For the film’s end credits, Small converted his dark anthem into a patriotic march. The director explained that they “dubbed it so it didn’t sound to you like it was marching across the screen. And you hear cheering sounds along with this cheerful music. But you know it’s the sound of evil. It’s being used to make you think they are patriotic.”

10* LAGNIAPPE
DAVY JONES & TONI BASIL
DADDY’S SONG

ALSO SEE:
THE MONKEES MISSING LINKS (THREE VOLUMES)


11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
GENRE FICTION RADIATES FROM A LITERARY CENTER
https://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2014/apr/22/genre-fiction-literary-centre-anita-mason

12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
WHY PEOPLE HATE NICKELBACK
BY C.J. LEE
I know exactly why people hate them and believe me I think you will be surprised. Sit back, grab a drink, and let me explain how a musically mediocre group became one of the most successful bands of all time.

I listen to mostly rap and metal with a bit of rock thrown in as well. Years ago I was sitting around and a Nickelback song came on the radio, a song I liked, and I began singing along. Like jackals, my friends jumped on me ripping me apart for liking Nickelback. I argued against them as to why they so vehemently hated the group. I got answers such as: “they suck,” “they are such sellouts,” and “all their songs sound alike.” I was puzzled by these answers as to why this band generated such hate despite these same faults could be applied to many, much less successful bands. So I went on a crusade to understand this irrational hate people have towards Nickelback.

I have come to the conclusion that Chad Kroeger is a fucking genius. Oh, not for his musical talent, no, for his marketing skills. This is where the hate begins.

If you were a fan of metal in ‘99 you sure as hell knew who Roadrunner Records is. They exclusive signed and promoted edgy and hardcore metal bands. How Nickelback got signed to them is beyond me, but it started the Nickelback bandwagon of hate. Chad knows how to market, he knows how people behave, he knows how to work with people, and he knows how to turn that into profits. You see that blatantly flies in the face of metal fans. You don’t want some corporate marketer, you want edgy, you want non conformism, you don’t want a sellout. Nickelback managed to work a deal with Roadrunner to get heavy marketing and this upset the metal community. The stations that were playing Nickelback had metal listeners which did not fit their listener base. However, due to heavy airplay through strong promotion this got their foot in the door for a lot of other stations.

Chad has compiled massive collections of the world’s most popular songs. He has taken a scientific approach, extracted the similar chords and notes, then created a formula for what makes a catchy song. This is not musical talent, it’s a corporate approach to what should be based on emotions and innovation. This is why every song of theirs reminds you of another popular song or another one of their tracks. It has been created not through musical means it has been created through a strict corporate formula. People say they sold out, their intent was to maximize profits. People somehow think that it is an insult to sell out. However, basically 99% of the groups people actively enjoy listening to have sold out, they just don’t throw in people’s faces.

It’s become one of the most used memes to shit talk Nickelback. As a culture you are conditioned to hate Nickelback. Yet, I’ve seen hardcore Nickelback haters bump their heads when listening to various songs of theirs on the radio. Nickelback has thrived off that hate. Nickelback fully embraces this hate and uses it as fuel in their social media campaigns. They respond to their haters with snarky sarcasm. People don’t take them seriously because it’s clear they don’t take themselves seriously. They see themselves not as a band but a business. You can see some of their past efforts at customer relations is phenomenal which is why they gross such high profits. They get far more hate than they deserve because they were born from a label that was not their genre. They aren’t interested in creating original music but rather pumping out formula based songs to generate a profit. They create lyrics that have the widest reach to make songs that can fit into so many genres. People hate them because they are a business, not a band.

Edit: 1

There is a psychological aspect that is at work as well. People have been conditioned to hate them. Whether you choose to believe it or not, you are very much influenced by your friends and family. If you have never had maple syrup on black-eyed peas and every person you knew said it was awful, you would believe it to be awful as well. If this is reinforced enough it can permanently alter your mind. There have been numerous studies that show the validity of this. You can force yourself to have a fondness for liking something if you believe it enough. It is a cultural phenomenon and a highly popular meme to bash and criticize Nickelback. Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? This is when you believe you will fail at something and subconsciously do fail because of your mental mindset. A very similar principle can be applied to Nickelback as well. People hate them because there is such overwhelming hatred towards them. You are indoctrinated to hate them before you ever hear them. By the time you finally do hear them, you already believe them to be bad, your mind is made up. In the words of Dumbledore, “You see what you want to see.”

THE INFORMATION #975 JANUARY 12, 2018

THE INFORMATION #975
JANUARY 12, 2018
Copyright 2018 FRANCIS DIMENNO
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

We do no end of feeling, and we mistake it for thinking. It is held in reverence. Some think it is the voice of God.–Mark Twain

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART FIFTY-NINE: DAYS OF WRATH

The wind was beginning to blow high and steady and the temperature to precipitously drop, so Cadger Tandy and Count Victor Justin stood briefly in the door of a Diner, then decided to enter. The aroma of beans and sausage and onions filled the air. The Count ordered a large plate of pasta with sauce, and the white-aproned waiter brought them a platter full, and two bowls, with a loaf of Italian bread and a small plate with butter.”It didn’t take me very long to figure out that the fine arts were a Mugg’s game. Writin’, paintin’, sculptin’, fiddlin’–takes years to master, and in the end you’re broken down in your health and you got no money. No, my lad–politics is the game to get into. And to do that you need the shekels.” He rubbed his fingers together. “Cash money–on the barrelhead. By the way–I wouldn’t eat that butter–you never know how many times it’s been put on that plate from the previous customers.

“You want to know HOW I made my ooftish,” said Count Justin Victor to Cadger Tandy, between chews. “Sure you do. They all do. And I usually don’t tell ’em. But I’ll tell you. Why, I got my money the same way any man makes his fortune in this country. Through stealth and brutal tactics. As long as you don’t care whose well you’ve got to poison, you can drive even the most enterprising farmer off his land. Outdoing the competition–that’s the key. If you can’t get there fustest with the mostest, why, then, settle for second best and undermine your rival where it’s bound to hurt him the most. That’s the American way, and don’t you let nobody tell you any different.

“Listen Yob: back in old Frisco, in the days of the Barbary Coast, before the great quake, I had me quite a sweet racket going, until the Goo-goos stepped in. That was the patent medicine dodge. At first I dabbled in homeopathy. Sugar pills and water for neurasthenics. There was gold in them that pills! Cost you half a penny to make; sell ’em twenty for a dollar retail. That’s money you can take to the bank! Haww…. But then I graduated to the Indian medicines. Sagwa and the like. Only we didn’t want to team up with an existing firm, so we called ours Agwas, which, of course, is Sagwa back’ards, sorta. Just like the fellers as peddle that godawful Anurep. Anyway, we said that our stuff was a great cure for Catarrh. What IS Catarrh? Anything you say it is! If you got a headache, don’t take no aspirin–that only treats the symptoms! It’s obvious you got catarrh of the brain, so what you need to effect a sure-fire cure is three pills of Agwas, three times a day for three days. Of course, by then the headache would be gone anyway. But the sucker don’t know that, or maybe he just don’t care, just so long as he can take a pill and feel as though it will make him better. Dames are especially susceptible to this pitch.

“Eventually we moved from pills to powders and potions, and lemme tellya, it was like a license to mint money! Snuffy old duffers and weedy old dames who wouldn’t so much as drink sarsaparilla sody pop lest they be thought of as frivolous–why, they downed our cocaine powders and opium syrups by the carload! Haww…it was like Christmas every day for them as took a jolt of our particular cure-all, Joy-X Tonic and Bracer…46 per cent alcohol by volume, so it was small wonder the abstinent teetotaller and drinker of weak tea and Postum and other such slop found it such a delightful change of pace! To sell our particular tonic, we would travel as a side attraction with an old-time Medicine show that would travel up and down the California coast, and even into Oregon and Washington and parts of Canada. Of course, they wouldn’t let you sell it to the Indians. But we got some prominent clergymen to endorse it in the newspaper. And the druggists in the ‘Dry’ towns would buy it by the gross.

“Here’s how we got one over on the competition. While other huckers peddled their fare in ordinary glass bottles, we sold ours from a clean white jar. Made all the difference. And we sold our slop two for the dollar if you bought six, which we assured the suckers was a year’s supply. Haw! For some of them, it was a LIFETIME supply, if you get my drift. Now, I don’t feel so bad about introducing stuffy old farmers and old maids to the delights of sugar-flavored hard liquor with a little bit of black pepper throwed in to give the stuff some character–though I do feel bad about all those sports who were on the water wagon and took a snort or two of our stuff and became habitual drunkards and went on a rampage and ended up in the pokey with the screamin’ meemies. I am, however, able to console myself by the fact that they should of known better, and that someone who was with it and for it ought to of pulled their sleeve. And also–my God, how the money rolled in! It was the sweetest little racket since…since tennis was invented!

“But our best snare was with ‘Life-Extending Leonicide’ which is guaranteed to slow and reverse cellular death and restore men on the brink of decrepitude to fine physical health. ‘Discovered in Florida,’ we said, near the very precincts of the fabled fountain of youth of Ponce de Leon–hence the name. ‘Save Your Marriage!’ says the headline, in 36-point scare type. We must of ploughed at least half our profits into advertising alone. Not just the newspapers, but on billboards and posters and display cards in drugstores. Y’see, Yob, it ain’t about growing old. It’s about the sex. It’s always about the sex. People are just too damn predictable. They make it too easy. Of course, there’s always the sourballs who ain’t interested in pitchin’ woo, but they’re most all of ’em a bunch of tightwads from right out of the gate, so you don’t need them anyway.

“Because deep in his heart of hearts, every red-blooded Yellof fears most of all that he’s being made to look like a chump. Exploiting that fear is, of course, the best way to make a chump out of him.

“Now, that’s what I call being on the horns of a dilemma, Yob. It’s like being in a room with a rattlesnake, a tiger, and a shyster lawyer, and you have a gun with two bullets. Which one do you shoot?

After a long pause, the Count said, “Ain’t you figured it out yet? Don’t you know nothin’? You shoot the lawyer–twice! Haww….”

1*SALUTATION
XTC (ACOUSTIC)
SCARECROW PEOPLE
BLUE BERET
KING FOR A DAY

ALSO SEE:
LIVE ON KROQ
ORANGES & LEMONS TOUR

SEE ALSO:
XTC
RAG & BONE BUFFET

2*REFERENCE
THE WEIRD BUSINESS BEHIND AN ANTI-AGING PILL
https://www.wired.com/2016/07/confused-elysiums-anti-aging-drug-yeah-fda/

ALSO SEE:
The great American fraud; articles on the nostrum evil and quackery reprinted from Collier’s
https://archive.org/stream/greatamericanfra00adamuoft#page/n5/mode/2up

3*HUMOR
“THE ALCOHOLISM NATURE OF YOUR KIND”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2823952/Teacher-turned-job-South-Korea-assumed-drinking-problem-alcoholism-nature-Irish.html

4*NOVELTY
THE ALPHA HOBO
When I lived in Toronto, I found the alpha in my area and gave him a half deck of darts… had no problems all summer. One day, I saw him passed out in front of Fillmore’s clutching half a bottle of real booze (surrounded by empty mouthwash) when the cops decided to pour out that booze.. the bum went nuts, got tackled and cuffed, and I never saw him again.

http://www.fark.com/comments/9602785/Now-Im-not-saying-Toronto-has-a-hobo-murdering-serial-killer-on-loose-but-homeless-people-there-have-been-dying-at-a-staggering-rate-of-about-2-per-week-this-year-by-far-most-ever

ALSO SEE:
THE SUPERSTITION-CRAZED HOBO KING!
https://digitalcomicmuseum.com/preview/index.php?did=10025&page=3

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
TRUE CRIME GARAGE PODCAST
https://www.truecrimegarage.com

SEE ALSO:
SWORD & SCALE
http://swordandscale.com

ALSO SEE:
EARHUSTLE: VOICES FROM PRISON
http://www.earhustlesq.com

LORE: TRUE-LIFE SCARY STORIES
http://www.lorepodcast.com/about

6* DAILY UTILITY
GUN CLUB
PREACHING THE BLUES (ALTERNATE VERSION)

7*CARTOON
SNUFFLES THE FLOATING PSYCHOTIC TREAT-LOVING DOG

8*PRESCRIPTION
VULTURE 10 BEST PODCAST EPISODES OF 2017
http://www.vulture.com/2017/12/best-podcast-episodes-2017.html

9* RUMOR PATROL
THE REPENTANT RAPIST
http://www.ocweekly.com/news/prince-edward-maryland-is-sorry-6423713

ALSO SEE:
MANSON PODCAST
http://www.youmustrememberthispodcast.com/search?q=manson

10* LAGNIAPPE
TOMORROW’S PEOPLE
OPEN SOUL

ALSO SEE:
SOUL SONGS OF THE 70S

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
THE LIVING HISTORY OF WAYNE NEWTON
spookycomics.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/df-mrexcitement-3pages.jpg

ALSO SEE:
TRUMP–WHAT HAPPENED?
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2018/01/michael-wolff-fire-and-fury-book-donald-trump.html

12* CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
COMICONS
I blame poor toilet training.

I hear that these fanboys even dress in fan-themed regalia and patronize enormous venues in which they celebrate their favorite heroes!