MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 225 JULY 2017

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
​​NUMBER 22
JULY 2017
Copyright 2017 Francis DiMenno
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

1. PRESIDENTIAL GRAVITAS
“What? Jackson up for president? Jackson? Andrew Jackson? The Jackson who used to live in Salisbury? Why, when he was here, he was such a rake that my husband would not bring him into the house! It is true,
he might have taken him out to the stable to weigh horses for a race,
and might drink a glass of whiskey with him there. Well, if Andrew
Jackson can be president, anybody can!”
–c. in Robert Vincent Remini, The Life of Andrew Jackson
 
2. ON STEREOTYPES

Q:Do monkeys bite?
A: Yes, monkeys will bite.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Do_monkeys_bite

Stereotypes are generalizations and, as such, are valid, but
ultimately have limited universal applicability.

Maybe stereotypes, rumors, folklore, et al., are just a form of the
party game “Chinese Whispers” or “telephone” on a mass scale.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_whispers

Stereotypes seem to be promulgated and kept into circulation by people
with blinders fashioned inextricably upon a crucial portion of their
sensory apparatus. Setting purely cultural preferences aside, there
seems to be no scientific basis for stereotypes based upon any
race-based differences. But trying to say in our current
image-obsessed culture is like trying to shout down Cotton Mather
while he hangs people accused of being witches.

http://www.localhistories.org/salem.html

And remember:
“Anti-Semitism is the socialism of fools.” –August Bebel

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/August_Bebel

See:
The Science of Stereotyping
Ewen: Defining people according to simplified categories dates back to
antiquity, and is probably an intrinsic part of human cultures.
Traditional myths, rituals and dramas routinely employed identifiable
types, but they usually symbolized different aspects of humanity
overall….

With the rise of democratic ideas, traditional ideas about the
God-given differences that justified social hierarchy fell into
disfavor. By the late 18th century, the “Divine Right of Kings” or the
idea of “Papal Infallibility” were being challenged by the ideas of
“natural rights,” “popular sovereignty” and human “inequality.” While
traditional hierarchies fought back, new caste systems arose in the
shadow of democracy. These used “scientific” tools as an argument for
social difference, as a line of defense designed to maintain social
and economic inequities. A scientific stamp of approval now certified
dividing humanity into simple, unequal categories according to race,
gender and economic status. In the 19th and 20th centuries, this
tendency accelerated and many of these simple categories became the
basic vocabulary of popular culture.
http://www.aiga.org/content.cfm/the-science-of-stereotyping-an-interview-with-elizabeth-and-stua

ALSO SEE:
ARE ASIANS BAD DRIVERS?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006020700510

 

CHING CHONG ROSIE O’DONNELL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qINiw6ub5U

3. The ten most ridiculous DC Universe characters

1) Mopee

2) The Glop
3) Zook
4) Cyrll
5) Moko
6) 
Brother Power, The Geek
7) Ultra the Multi-Alien
8) The Black Racer
9) The Space Canine Patrol Agents
10) The Legion of Super Pets
 
 
4. THIS HERE BOWL THAT I THINK MIGHT BE MADE OF SOLID GOLD ONLY I’M NOT SURE

By Hank Jim

Well, you see, there was this here Dago, Prince Something-or-Other,
and he was stone cold broke. I mean, the greaseball was just plain
flat out busted. His wallet was flat as a pancake.He didn’t have two
shillings to rub together. Well, he’s landed in London, and he’s
gotten himself fixed up to marry this here pretty little American gal
named Maggie, whose Pop is some kind of big shot in pork bellies and
fancy paintings. But then the filthy little Wop meets some dame he
used to feed the old baloney sausage to, named Charlotte, and they
decide to buy a wedding present for poor little Maggie. This old Jew
wants to sell them this this here solid gold bowl, though if it was
me, I’d rather buy her a a Tuba or some other kind of stuff. Something
useful, you know? Well the stuffy Dago Prince, he thinks the Jew is
trying to pull a fast one, and that there’s something phony about the
so-called antique, so he won’t buy the gew-gaw.

Well, anyhoo, Prince Whatshisface marries the gal, and she figures, as
newlyweds sometimes do, that her old Paw is gotten lonesome without
her, so what does she do? She fixes him up with the Charlotte gal,
only what she don’t know is, her own hubby used to bump ankles with
the little minx. Well, ole Paw marries the Charlotte gal, only
wouldn’t you know it, the sneaky Eye-tie manages to go agin all that
is decent and white and hop into bed with the sweetheart instead of
payin’ due attention to his own wife, who seems awfully wrapped up in
ole Paw anyhow.

Well, Wifey didn’t egg-zactly fall off the turnip truck, and it ain’t
long before she suspects there’s something fishy goin’ on. Wouldn’y ya
know it–she meets the old Jewish shopkeeper and buys the golden
whatzit. Well then, like no Jewish fella I ever knew, old Solomon the
antique dealer has an attack of the inside meemies and shows up at the
gal’s door to tell her he done stiffed her on the price of the
whatchamacallit. Then he just happens to see some pictures of the Dago
Prince and his little floozy, Charlotte. He tells Wifey about how
those two were in his shop previous, all lovey-dovey and yakkin’ in
Dago talk, which he just happens to understand.

Well, all hell breaks loose. It’s one swell donnybrook, and if I’m
lyin’ I’m flyin’. There’s a whole lot of jibber-jabber back and forth.
Their pals Bob and Fanny show up and get into a lot of yakkin’. That
overpriced golden whatsit falls to the floor and breaks. You see, it’s
not really a Freudian symbol, I guess–nothing sexy–it’s more like
the Wife finally gets wise to herself. So then wifey tells the snooty
Dago she’s on to him, and she sets out to bust up the affair between
her Hubby and old Charlotte. She talks old Pappy into going back to
the good old US of A with his wife, and he says he will. Well, the
Dago is so impressed with how sneaky his wife is that he decides that
he does love her, after all, and it’s a happy ending all around,
because Charlotte’s wise old paw gets sloppy seconds on a good-lookin
but kinda stupid whore and the snobby Dago Prince gets away with
running around on his wife. The Moral of the story is, ladies, if’n
you find your husband is been cheatin’ on you, drop the little girl
act and get right down to brass tacks. You can hold it over his
miserable head for the rest of his natural born days. Especially if
it’s 1904, and he’s a Dago Prince who’s squandered all his loot, and his only pal besides a whore is a fella named Bob Assingham.

 
5. UNFORTUNATE BUT REAL NAMES

These are three that I’m personally aware of:
Carmen Calabrese (a hot-tempered Italian).
Danny Boss (a bully, now deceased).
Rex Mounts (a pedophile).

I also went to school with boys named:
Johnny Shoemaker
Jackie Aphid
Eugene Dong

I have always been fascinated by these actresses:
Tawny Kitaen
Shannon Tweed

There are many MANY more odd names out there:
Ima Hogg
Holiday Beverage
Mike McGillicutty
Pat McGloin
Jeff Hung
Mr. Fagg
Preston Cox
Ray Guy
Herbie Derby
Harry Johnson
Jason Gay
Sally Sunshine
Autumn Spell
Gremlin Wayne
Dottie Pickup (the school slut)
Timmy Piss
Dick Wong
Wendy Dirkman
Scott Baron
Adam (Hugh) Jass
Eugene Farnsworth
Jerry Derryberry
Lovely Flowers
Innocent Egbhutu
Frank Gross
Gay Warman
Russell Russell
Peter Tinkle
Donald Duck
Emma Nutt
Kieran McKiernan
Mimi LeBrie
Hong Wang
Lancelot Watson
Harvey Noseworthy
David DeCunto
Bob Glasscock
Dick Brisky
Caroline Kerouac
Ethelyn Foy
Shorty Long
April May June
S. J. Pancake
Miss Hickey
Misty Frost
Michelle Fling
Phuk Yu
Harry Aas
Nippin Dipshit
Jack Goff
Clyde Foote
Joan Thing
Gary Gygax
Jenna Teelia
The Gross triplets
Eugene DeVine
Brother Wayne Slomany
Sandy Chin
Buck Burke
Richard Bonner
Charlie Boston
Cathy Cunniff
Forest Kocker
Ricky Longbottom
Grant Cogswell
Kim Pease
Erica Fries
Dennis Biers
Heather Hamburger
Harley Bubba Johnson
Harry Horner
Robin Hood
Billy Fuckwit
Garth Vaida
Harry Wang
Kevin Seaman
Tom Dung
Margarette Mary Jacqueline Manoogian
Willie Williams
LaSallette Charrette
Dawn Dumschat
Odd Hjetland
Sandy Beaver
Hans Swett
Maylene Rydhard
Libby Pease
Georgia Peach
Katy Hoar
Felicity Sparks
Nelson Sprelson
Eulich Crotch
Alana Dick
Goupton Nahboodripud
Mike Hunt
Justin Case
Dr. Sackenoff (a vasectomist)
Allison Dick
Rocco Capone
Brock Romano
Harry Dick
Tom Morrow
Joseph Hamburger
Mona Carbona
Tim Mc(M)anus
Mr. Gross
Miss Fish
Penister Schlumpfer
Peter Woodcock
Anita Ho
Sal Salvatory
Brock Schmuck
Harry Kooch
Richard Sprinkle
Dr. Bum Suck Lee
Dr. Laura Frankenstein
Swordy Loverich
Isaac Abagodicks
Suk-Hee Lee, Ph.D.
Hyman Doodlesack
Charity Wang
Patsy Bumgardener
Mr. Death
Nicky Butt
Dean Windass
Mary Christmas
Crystal Brooks
Misty Brooks.
Dr. Slaughter
Nurse Blood.
Dr. Dong

AND, LEST WE FORGET:

Dick Bagg
Dick Leak
Dick Bender
Dick Harding
Dick Power
Dick Ring
Dick Long
Dick Cutting
Dick Little
Dick Friend
Dick Brain
Dick Aiken
Dick Cummings
Dick Trickle
Dick Paradise
Dick Longing
Dick Weed
Dick Swett

Also See:
“Yes, I am Dick Armey. And if there is a dick army, Barney Frank would
want to join up.”
http://www.nndb.com/people/211/000024139/

 

6. NEW NICKNAMES FOR BOSTON

“Beantown” and “The Hub” have gotten old. My good friend and long-time native Joe Coughlin has proposed BIG SURLY and WICKEDPISSAVILLE, and I humbly propose the following:

HOBOTOWN
OLDEFARTE
POORMOUTH JUNCTION
MAGIC LAND OF SPIKED GINGER ALE
GINBURGH
DAFFYTOWN
SHELLELAGHLAND
IRATOWN
LAGOMORPH SQUARE
PLANET GOODFELLOW
TURKEYHASH CITY
TOO MUCH DEMOCRACY LAND
ISLAND OF THE SKY GHETTOES
ARROGANTOWN
THIRSTY MONKEYBURGH
MONKEYPOX ISLAND
THE DRUG AND DEATH CORRIDOR
LAND OF THE WEIRDLY SPINELESS
THE SUBARCTIC TECH CORRIDOR
HOME OF THE TURTLEHEADS
MASTERBATOWN
FUCKWIT ISLAND
THE GRAND DOUCHEY OF CLOUDCUCKOOLAND
PINKO CORNERS
SOYBERG
NUTOWN
HARPBURG
LICETER
NORTHEAST SECONDARY SEWAGE PROCESSING DEPOT #5
STERCORE HUMANO
BUCKETTOWN
SIMBA CITY
EXISTENTIALTOWN
CORRUPTIONBURG
POPETOWN
NOTOWN
NETOWN
MI COSA NOSTRA ES SU COSA NOSTRA


7. All-time best comic strips


1) Dick Tracy by Chester Gould
2) Little Orphan Annie by Harold Gray
3) Pogo by Walt Kelly
4) Thimble Theatre by Elzie Segar
5) Krazy Kat by George Herriman
6) Polly and Her Pals by Cliff Sterrett
7) Our Boarding House/Room and Board/The Squirrel Cage by Gene Ahern
8) Abbie ‘n’ Slats by Raeburn Van Buren
9) Peanuts by Charles Schultz
10) Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson
11) Li’l Abner by Al Capp
12) Toonerville Trolley by Fontaine Fox
13) Skippy by Percy Crosby
14) Barnaby by Crockett Johnson
15) Count Screwloose of Toulouse (or anything by Milt Gross)
16) Smokey Stover by Bill Holman
17) Out Our Way by J.R. Williams
18) Bringing Up Father by George McManus
19) Little Nemo In Slumberland by Winsor McKay
20) Wash Tubbs and Captain Easy by Roy Crane
21) Parlor, Bedroom & Sink by Billy DeBeck
22) Sam’s Strip by Jerry Dumas and Mort Walker
23 Mutt and Jeff by Bud Fisher
24) Gasoline Alley by Frank King
25) The Far Side by Gary Larson
26) The Outbursts of Everett True by A. D. Condo and J.W. Raper
27) White Boy by Garrett Price
28) Moon Mullins by Frank Willard
29 Jackys Diary by Jack Mendelsohn
30) Sparky Watts by Boody Rogers

 
8. BENEFITS OF DRINKING VS. NOT DRINKING

DRINKING
Enables you to be an agreeable companion to those who share your inclinations and outlooks.
Makes hopeless drunks not think of you as a stuck up snob.
Gives your sweat an interesting aroma.
The liquor store owner will be sad when you die.
Keeps you on the reservation and out the white man’s hair.

NOT DRINKING
Save tons of money.
No DUIs, ever, no matter how fast and recklessly you were driving.
Less likely to do stupid things, or fuck the wrong people.

Or fuck with the wrong people.


Easier to lose weight.
Brain cells and liver stay healthy.
Less chance of cancer.
No coyote uglies in your bed.
No puke.
Possibility of pleasant breath.
Less gum disease.
No waking up in jail.
Your ex doesn’t have an email…or an answering machine message….from 2 am… that you will live to regret.
You don’t have to blame whiskey for my own idiocy. As in, “It was the whiskey talking.” No,
 YOUR own idiocy. As in, “It was the whiskey talking.” No, drunky, it was the stupified brain cells in your central cerebral cortex which put your limbic system in charge, and that’s what did the talkin’! 


You don’t get drunk.


 
9. JFK GOES TO NUT COUNTRY
Initially, Dallas seemed intent on playing into the White House’s
hands. The Morning News of November 22 carried a full-page
advertisement on page 14, rimmed in black, underwritten by a group
calling itself the “American Fact-Finding Committee.” Under a
sarcastic headline, “welcome mr. kennedy to dallas,” the committee
listed twelve deliberately provocative questions, all couched to
insinuate that the president (and his brother, the attorney general)
were unbearably soft on Communism. The advertisement complemented a
handbill that had appeared mysteriously overnight under doors and on
the windshields of countless Dallas cars. Featuring the president’s
image from the front and the left side, as if taken from a police mug
shot, the broadside accused him of turning the United States over to
the “communist controlled United Nations.” In case the imagery or text
was lost on anyone, the headline read, “wanted for treason.”
After reading the paid advertisement, the president sought to prepare
Jacqueline Kennedy for any unpleasantness that might occur in the
afternoon. “Oh, you know,” John Kennedy remarked to his wife, “we’re
heading into nut country today.”ALSO SEE:The information I present in these pages on the Kennedy assassination
is well-known to certain news agencies who have chosen to suppress it,
just as the motivation for the assassination has been plunged into
cryonic secrecy. Masonic betrayal of the “common man” involves
archetypes of fertility and death symbolism seemingly motivated to
bring about syncretism in opposing principles in order to green
Israel, rebuild the Temple of Solomon and establish a One World
government.It is by way of Masonic sorcery that the union of opposing principles
is supposed to be brought about. The criminals who stage-managed
Dallas in the killing of Kennedy have controlled the American people’s
will in exchange for a sleep without nightmares. I publish this in the
wake of the situation Charles Seymour alluded to: “The moralist
unquestionably secures wide support; but he also wearies his
audience.” Most Americans are beyond being tired; the revelations have
benumbed them.

http://www.revisionisthistory.org/kingkill33.html

10. SCATOLOGY

Gershon Legman (No Laughing Matter, 1975) classifies this form of
humor as “Food Dirtying”, a sub-category of “Scatology”.

SEE:
Captain Bourke’s Scatalogic Rites of All Nations
[Scatalogic Rites of All Nations: A Dissertation upon the Employment
of Excrementitious Remedial Agents in Religion, Therapeutics,
Divination, Witchcraft, Love-Philters, etc., in all Parts of the
Globe. Based Upon Original Notes and Personal Observations, and upon
Compilation from over One Thousand Authorities. Not for General
Perusal. ]
http://www.poopreport.com/Academic/Content/Gerling/gerling.html

AMAZON REVIEW:
http://www.amazon.com/Scatalogic-Rites-Nations-John-Bourke/dp/0766161927
Key Phrases – Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
catamenial fluid, urine dance, human ordure, stercore humano, cockle
bread, poultry dung, urine drunk, dung gods, excrement gods, white
dung, own ordure, grand lama, hard tumors, uterine troubles, yellow
jaundice, mortuary ceremonies, human urine, war customs, abnormal
appetite, animal excreta, own urine, sonal letter, warm urine

 
11. MY ABYSMAL IGNORANCE OF POPULAR CULTURE


I’ve never seen an episode of the Sopranos. But I liked

“The Shield” on FX and “Mad Men” on AMC.

Star Trek always bored me silly. But I loved “Land of the Giants” and
“Lost in Space”. (Hey–I was ten.)

Never saw Gone with the Wind, or Casablanca;  nor Ghostbusters nor Caddyshack.

Saw most of “Back to School” but I missed the best part (Rodney’s commercial).

And I haven’t followed rap in many many years. Not since I was about,
ohhh, 26….

In my drinking days I’ve had a martini a time or two. I wasn’t any too
impressed. My grandfather, however,  swore by the benefits of a shot
of sweet vermouth every morning. When he went to the hospital, he told
this to the doctors and nurses. When they began referring to him as
“The Vermouth Man”  my Aunt Lucille slapped them down–hard (God bless her).

DITTO:
The TV show M*A*S*H (which I actually hate, though the movie was pretty good).
The Office (though the 1 or 2 partial episodes I’ve seen I’ve kinda
not disliked).
Amy Winehouse
The Da Vinci Code. I didn’t even make it through the first chapter.
Tom Clancy and John Grisham books. I read one apiece. These are
productions for which the word “meh” was invented.
Survivor and all reality-based television
Law and Order, ER, and all repetitive dramas
30 Rock and the Office
Pro hockey, baseball, football, and basketball don’t move me. But I’ll
watch a boxing match.
Golf I associate with new money.
NASCAR with no money.
The Olympics or OK, but I feel no compelling need to watch them.
Star Wars (Though I have seen episodes I, IV, and V. Which were plenty.)
Video Games.

As a student of pop culture and mythology I do take an unhealthy
interest in Superheroes (comics only–TV and movies are generally
poorly done, though–of those I’ve seen recently, Hellboy was
acceptable, Constantine was OK, and From Hell was adequate).

And I’m always willing to read sordid tales of true crime and serial killers.

There’s very little I’m not at least superficially interested in. BUT:
I refuse to waste my time on the sorts of trivia with which other
people seem to be obsessed, simply because the media machine requires
us to be informed regarding it.

 
12. AN OLD-TIME CLASSIC ORATION

CHANGE THE NAME OF ARKANSAW? HELL, NO!

Gentlemen, you may tear down the honored pictures from the halls of
the United States Senate, desecrate the grave of George Washington,
haul down the Stars and Stripes, curse the Goddess of Liberty, and
knock down the tomb of U.S. Grant, but your crime would in no wise
compare in enormity with what you propose to do when you would change
the name of Arkansas! Change the name of Arkansas? Hell-fire, NO!
Compare the lily of the valley to the gorgeous sunrise; the discordant
croak of the bullfrog to the melodious tones of a nightingale; the
classic strains of Mozart to the bray of a Mexican mule; the puny arm
of a Peruvian prince to the muscles of a Roman gladiator – but never
will you change the name of Arkansas! Hell, NO!

Hear me, gentlemen – The man who would CHANGE THE NAME OF ARKANSAS is the original iron-jawed, brass-mounted, copper-bellied corpse-maker from the wilds of the Ozarks! Sired by a hurricane, dammed by an earthquake, half-brother to the cholera, nearly related to the
small-pox on his mother’s side, he is the man they call Sudden Death
and General Desolation! He takes nineteen alligators and a barrel of
whiskey for breakfast, when he is in robust health; and a bushel of
rattlesnakes and a dead body when he is ailing. He splits the
everlasting rocks with his glance, and quenches the thunder when he
speaks!

Change the name of Arkansas? Hell, NO! Stand back and give him room
according to his strength. Blood’s his natural drink! And the wails of
the dying music to his ears! Cast your eyes on the gentleman, and lay
low and hold your breath, for he’s ’bout to turn himself loose! He’s
the bloodiest son of a wild-cat that lives, who would change the name
of Arkansas! Hold him down to earth, for he is a child of sin! Don’t
attempt to look at him with your naked eye, gentlemen; use smoked
glass. The man who would change the name of Arkansas, by gosh, would
use the meridians of longitude and the parallels of latitude for a
seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales! He would scratch
himself awake with the lightning, and purr himself to sleep with the
thunder! When he’s cold, he would “bile” the Gulf of Mexico and bathe
in it! When he’s hot, he would fan himself with an equinoctial storm!
When he’s thirsty, he would reach up and suck a cloud dry like a
sponge! When he’s hungry, famine follows in his wake! You may put your
hand on the sun’s face, and make it night on earth; bite a piece out
of the moon, and hurry the seasons; shake yourself and rumble the
mountains; but, sir, you will never change the name of Arkansas! Hell,
NO!

The man who would change the name of Arkansas, would massacre isolated
communities as a pastime. He would destroy nationalities as a serious
business! He would use the boundless vastness of the Great American
Desert for his private grave-yard! He would attempt to extract
sunshine from cucumbers! Hide the stars in a nail-keg, put the sky to
soak in a gourd, hang the Arkansas River from a clothesline; unbuckle
the belly-band of Time, and turn the sun and moon out to pasture; but
you will never change the name of Arkansas! The world will again pause
and wonder at the audacity of the lop-eared, lantern-jawed,
half-breed, half-born, whiskey-soaked hyena who has proposed to change
the name of Arkansas!

He’s just starting to climb the political banister, and wants to knock
the hay-seed out of his hair, pull the splinters out of his feet, and
push on and up to the governorship. But change the name of Arkansas?
HELL, NO!

UNEXPURGATED VERSION

Mr. Speaker, god-damn your soul, for more than thirty minutes I’ve
been trying to get your attention but every time I caught your eye you
squirmed like a damn dog with a flea in his ass.

I guess you know who I am Sir. My name is Cassius M. Johnson from
Jackson County, Arkansas where a man can’t stick his ass out the
window and shit without it getting riddled with bullets. Why Sir, I
was fourteen years old before I had my first pair of pants and they
was of buckskin. But at the age of seventeen Mr. Speaker, I had a jock
on me the size of a roasting ear and it was the pride of Jackson
County. And you propose to change the name of Arkansas. Never, by God
Sir, never!

I’m out of order? How can I be out of order when I can piss clear
across the Mississippi River?

Where was Andrew Jackson when the battle of New Orleans was fit? He
was right thar Sir, up to his ass in blood. And you change the name of
Arkansas? Never, when I can defend her.

You may shit on the grave of George Washington. Piss on the monument
of Thomas Jefferson. You may desecrate the sacred remains of the
immortal General Robert E. Lee. You may rape the Goddess of Liberty
and wipe your ass on the Stars and Stripes. And your crime, your crime
Sir will no more compare to this hellish design than the glow of a
lightning-bug’s ass to the glare of the noon days sun. And you propose
to change the name of Arkansas. Never, by God Sir, never!

You may compare the lily of the valley to the glorious sunflower. Or
the sun-kissed peaks of the highest mountains to the smokin’ turd of a
dunghill. Or the classic strains of Mozart to the fart of a Mexican
burrow. You may compare the puny penis of a Peruvian prince to the
ponderous buttocks of the Roman gladiator. But change the name of
Arkansas? Never, by God Sir, never!

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