THE INFORMATION #939
MAY 5, 2017
Copyright 2017 FRANCIS DIMENNO
I had a dream that I lost my teeth and when I woke up they were all still in my mouth, thank God that I am not a Hill Billy after all. –Starley Ard
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART TWENTY-TWO: DAYS OF WRATH
“You can be sure of one thing,” said Count Victor Justin to Cadger Tandy, as they walked along the principal boulevard of Blowtown on an unseasonably warm spring afternoon, “You can be sure that when a woman first takes up with you, and she tells you that she can hear you very well, it signifies that she’s with it and for it, because she’s been around, and she knows how to follow orders, and doesn’t need to be cuffed about. But women like that are one in a thousand. In general, you don’t want a Zook who will judge you by your mannerisms. If she don’t like you when she’s twenty, it’s a good bet that she’ll absolutely despise you by the time she’s sixty. If you both live so long.
“On the other hand, I suppose it’s alright if a woman tries to teach you good manners. That’s what they do. After all, part of her job is to teach proper manners to your son. Now, manners ain’t so hard to master in theory. There are plenty of books out there as will tell you what’s proper. The problem is that the people who need manners the most are the ones who most likely can’t read. There are plenty of hillbillies out there who don’t read anything but the Bible and the Monkey-Ward catalog. To those Yellofs, eyeglasses are cheaters and the wearing of them is the sign of a weakling and a certified citified dude. They’re very big on honor, those hillbillies are. To me, they’re barely even human–just a defective form of animal life. What would you say about an animal that would starve rather than eat from your hand? Go to Arkansas some time–you’ll never again see so much bone-bred ignorance clustered together all in one place. The mountaineer relies on one tool above all others–his trusty rifle. As long as a got a belly full of squirrel brains, he’s a happy man. Northerners may have their faults and follies. They are very much inclined to think that a purely speculative wager on the stock market is actually going to provide some kind of windfall to them and theirs, somewhere down the road. It’s about as likely as a drunken cowboy winning at Faro. Or an old Jew winning at Stuss. It’s like a fool trying to get work out of a balky mule. It’s like the suckers in hell pleading for ice water which they ain’t a-gonna get. I’ll say it again: Winning at playing the market? It just ain’t gonna happen. The deck is stacked.
“There’s one good thing about hillbillies, I guess–one, and only one. Their womenfolk sure are purty when they’re about sixteen, and just starting to ripen. Though even then they are likely to be old before their time. By twenty-two a hillbilly gal is an incipient hag with saggy tits, and by thirty she’s practically an ancient, withered crone. The problem is the same as with a kitten–sooner or later it grows up and becomes a worthless old cat. I can tell you, Yob, that many a moonstruck city slicker has married one of them hillbilly gals, expecting that holy macaroni would make a real lady of her. In ninety-nine cases out of one hundred, they were sadly disappointed. Chances are nearly 100 per cent that she turns out to be a tobacco-chewing, snuff-taking, moonshine-drinking, bad-tempered, sour-faced, thin-lipped, argumentative Zook–and those are her good qualities. On the whole, a certain genetic predetermination makes all of these hill folks inferior in intellect, illiterate, lazy, foul-smelling, and outstanding solely in brute strength, and in rapscality. Maybe the Mammy was chewing loco weed and it got into her milk–I dunno. But lots of hillbilly boys grow up to become angry killers, and the girls become slatterns who become pregnant if you so much as look at them.
“These stump jumpers are by far more akin to apes than angels. Your average hillbilly, why, he will get drunk and argue politics all day long, with no more notion of what he is talking about than a kitten has of algebra. The lowest black-as-melted-midnight, granny-dodging, watermelon-eating, razor-wielding, dice-playing, chicken-stealing shoeshine boy in one of our big cities is about two steps superior to the poor white trash who roams the hills and vales of our great Republic. I would sooner trust him to run an errand for me than any one of those inbred hill folk, with their filthy bare feet, and their queer and shapeless black felt hats, and their faded bib overalls, and their odious gap-toothed smiles. And their men are even worse. These hillbillies are the sort of low-down trash who are so lazy that they never even owned slaves. Maybe because they’re so indolent they don’t even like to WATCH other people who are working hard. I will admit that they are plenty industrious, though, when it comes to one thing: making homebrew and bringing it to market–unless they’re so far gone that they drink up all the rotgut all by themselves. If they would stop snapping at the jug and start snapping open a book, maybe they would amount to something. But they never will. They are the lowest form of sucker–the sucker who is happy with his lot, owns nothing, has nothing, and is happy with nothing. He is impossible to cheat because he lives in a barter society, and he only trades with his own kind. He is funny in that he longs for the novelty to be had by seeing folk from the flatlands and listening to their stories of the doings in Fat City, which, to him, is any municipality of more than 5,000 people. Yet, on the other hand, he hotly resents the traveler as an interloper and despises him for his civilized ways, which includes wiping his mouth with a napkin and wiping his ass with toilet paper, rather than a corn cob or a handful of leaves. And then, before you know it, out comes the shotgun, and you start to hear him mutter about how he don’t want you hangin’ round his little sister no more, and about how it might be best if he consult the local train schedule and get out of town on the first thing smoking because the train’s leaving very soon and he wants you on it.
“And you better do what he suggests. because one thing’s for sure–them hill folk, when it comes to matters of what they consider to be their sacred honor–they sure don’t mess around.”
ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVRES IN THE DARK
THE NEW STONE AGE
BEST OF OMD 1979-1983
LIBERAL QUAKERS DISOWNED RICHARD NIXON
The Quakers sought to disown Nixon on account of the war.
OLD FASHIONED QUAKER OAFS
Paul Simon: I’m Proud Of All My Songs, Even The Ones I Stole From People I Heard At Open-Mic Nights
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
The saga of a YouTube family who pulled disturbing pranks on their own kids
6* DAILY UTILITY
LOWEST GAS PRICES
LOOK AT BILL’S SHIRT!
THE HORROR OF POPSICLE PETE
THE 8 MOST BAFFLING FOOD MASCOTS OF ALL TIME
THE CRIMES OF POPSICLE PETE
40 ASSETS FOR ADOLESCENTS
THE UNBEARABLE WRONGNESS OF GWYNETH PALTROW
Raw milk, which is milk that has not been pasteurized — milk straight from the teat — makes up about one percent of the U.S. dairy supply. However, it causes approximately 80 percent of the foodborne illnesses in dairy. This includes the parasite giardia, which will give you a case of diarrhea to rival a jumbo-sized bag of sugar-free gummy bears. Raw milk is touted in the alternative health community for “boosting immunity” or for the benefits of its natural enzymes, but if you ever consider it for you or your pint-sized human, I urge you to reconsider. Certain families with homeopathic tendencies have become intimately acquainted with the medical complications of hemolytic uremic syndrome and e. Coli in infants, courtesy of raw milk. Raw goat’s milk and raw cow’s milk come with the same risks; there’s nothing inherently better for babies about the milk coming from a goat or not being pasteurized.
And wait. Wasn’t giardia one of the parasites that raw goat’s milk was supposed to cure? This alternative medicine is tricksy — because it’s bullshit.
I am the proud owner of this original poster.
KOZIK POSTER ART
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
THE JFK ASSASSINATION
Who killed JFK? Was it…the CIA, the FBI, the Mob, the Cubans, the Right Wing Texas oilmen, the Klan, the Russians, LBJ, the Masons…?
The question now is, who didn’t Kill Kennedy?
I’m pretty sure the Quakers had nothing to do with it.
But wait. Nixon was…a Quaker.
And he was in…Dallas.
Supposedly for a Pepsi-Cola event.
By the way, Joe McCarthy was so in thrall to those folks that he was known around the Senate as “The Pepsi-Cola Kid.”
“Say Oswald, Please!”
The Kennedys were good friends with McCarthy. JFK abstained from voting for his censure.
Wheels within wheels, maan.
There are plenty of books on the subject put out by this small firm:
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
90 CLASSIC BOOKS FOR PEOPLE IN A HURRY. LANGE. ***
1001 FACTS THAT WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. MCNEAL.
1966. SAVAGE. ****
4,000 DAYS. FELLOWS. ****
THE ABOMINABLE MR. SEABROOK. OLLMANN. ****
ALL NEW X-MEN INEVITABLE 3: HELL HATH SO MUCH FURY. ***1/2
THE ANIMAL FACTORY. BUNKER. ***1/2
AWAKENING 1. TAPALANSKY. ***1/2
THE BAKER STREET PECULIARS. LONGRIDGE. ***
THE BEST AMERICAN COMICS 2016. CHAST, ED. ****
THE BEST WE COULD DO. BUI. ****
THE COMPLETE TALES FROM THE CON. ***1/2
DAYS OF DESTRUCTION, DAYS OF REVOLT. SACCO. ****
DOG EAT DOG. BUNKER. ***1/2
DV8. NEIGHBORHOOD THREAT. ELLIS. ***
EDUCATION OF A FELON. BUNKER. ****
FIRE!! BAGGE. ****
FRESH ROMANCE 1. **
FUTUREQUEST 1. **1/2
GONZO. BINGLEY AND HOPE-SMITH. ****
GRAYSON 5. SPYRAL’S END. ***1/2
GREEN ARROW 1. THE DEATH AND LIFE OF OLVER QUEEN. ***1/2
HERMAN MELVILLE’S MOBY DICK. CHABOUTE. ****1/2
HILLBILLY ELEGY. VANCE. ***1/2
HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN? O’ROURKE. ***1/2
HOUSE OF PENANCE. TOMASI. ***1/2
KONG OF SKULL ISLAND 1. ***
LAZARUS CHURCHYARD. ELLIS. ***1/2
THE LIGHTHOUSE. ROCA. ****1/2
LITTLE BOY BLUE. BUNKER. ****
MY ADVENTURES WITH YOUR MONEY. THORNTON. ****
NEWUNIVERSAL: EVERYTHING WENT WHITE. ELLIS. ***1/2
NIGHTWING 1. BETTER THAN BATMAN. ***1/2
NO BEAST SO FIERCE. BUNKER. ****
OCEAN. ELLIS. ***1/2
ONE TRICK PONY. HALE. ***
ORBITER. ELLIS. ****
ORIGINAL GANGSTER. LUCAS. ***1/2
POOR ECONOMICS. BANERJEE & DUFLO. ****
RED/TOKYO STORM WARNING. ELLIS. ****
RELOAD/MEK. ELLIS. ***1/2
THE REPORTER WHO KNEW TOO MUCH. SHAW. ***
REVOLUTION’S END. SCHREIBER. ***1/2
SCARED SHITLESS. MCNEAL. ***
SHOCK & AWE: GLAM ROCK AND ITS LEGACY. REYNOLDS. ****
SNOTGIRL 1. GREEN HAIR DON’T CARE. **1/2
STARFIRE 1. WELCOME HOME. ***1/2
SWITCHBLADE HONEY. ELLIS. ***
TERMS & CONDITIONS. SIKORYAK. ***1/2
WHEN THE MOB RAN VEGAS, FISCHER. **1/2
WHITE TRASH. ISENBERG. ****1/2
WONDER WOMAN 1. THE LIES. ***1/2
YVAIN: THE KNIGHT OF THE LION. ANDERSON. ****
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
937. 80s BOSTON ALT-ROCK
938. BULLET LA VOLTA TOUR DIARY
939. CONSPIRACY AND THE BRAIN: A BRIEF BIBLIOGRAPHY
Michael J Wood, Karen M Douglas, Robbie M Sutton, Dead and Alive: Beliefs in Contradictory Conspiracy Theories, Social Psychology & Personality Science, 25 January 2012,
Jan-Willem van Prooijen, Michele Acker, The Influence of Control on Belief in Conspiracy Theories: Conceptual and Applied Extensions, Applied Cognitive Psychology, Appl. Cognit. Psychol. Vol 29 Issue 5
Hannah Darwin, Nick Neave, Joni Holmes, Belief in conspiracy theories. The role of paranormal belief, paranoid ideation and schizotypy, Personality and Individual Differences, 50(8):1289-1293 · June 2011
Neil Dagnall, Kenneth Drinkwater, Megan Parton, Conspiracy theory and cognitive style: a worldview, Frontiers in Psychology, June 2015