THE INFORMATION #935
APRIL 7, 2017
Here is the difference between Dante, Milton, and me. They wrote about hell and never saw the place. I wrote about Chicago after looking the town over for years and years. –Carl Sandburg
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART EIGHTEEN: DAYS OF WRATH
“Now, listen real good Yob, and let me tell you something about hell,” said Count Victor Justin to Cadger Tandy.
They were walking outdoors town the slimy streets of Blowtown during a Spring drizzle that had resolved itself into a suspicious mist which hovered a full nine inches off the ground.
“If such a place as Hades even exists. I’m not saying it does, and I’m not saying that it doesn’t. Now, as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t take much of an imagination to picture heaven. The hobo spends half his time dreaming about cigarette trees and fucking rivers of whiskey, whilst the truly devout Yellof no doubt thinks it’s all about translucent Yobs in sissy white robes farting around on clouds and playing harps.
“But all the wise Gees know that hell is where the action is. Sky-pilots and Bible-pounders can preach themselves hoarse about how it be a place of eternal hellfire, where the damned congregate with the even more damned, if such a condition can even exist. But I’m pretty sure that they’re full of horse apples–on this point as on every other.
“Like I said before, I think the devil is little more than a vindictive old man. He hates to feel the sunshine. he hates to hear the chirruping birdies. he hates to look at pretty girls all dressed up in their spring finery. And, if you’ll pardon the expression, he cares not one hoot in hell for the doings of athletes, and politicians, and vaudeville performers. He glories instead in moss, and mildew, and cobwebs, and dust. He has a racking cough which never quite goes away. And he very seldom smiles. Hell is a serious business to the father of lies. I think that the devil is a proponent of Culpae poenae par esto. He always suits the punishment to fit the crime. I’m with Dante on this one. Of course, to the devil, every normal impulse is a crime. Is spring when a young man’s fancy turns to love? That there is a crime. Does the ancient nobleman revel in an evening of learned talk, with copious draughts of Falernian wine? That too is a crime. Does a jolly old friar drink his Reisling and devour his roasted capon with great gusto? That’s a terrible terrible crime, for it means that the otherwise blameless monk is secretly a notorious tosspot and gluttonizer.
“I suppose that even the Pope his own self is not exempt. Does he ever take his beanie off in front of the mirror and notice his thinning hairline, gone completely white? That right there is the sin of vanity, of which we are told there is no greater. I suppose that when he goes to hell he will be set upon by agnostics and beaten with fists. And all the while he’ll be saying ‘May Jesus Christ, the author and finisher of our faith, be with you by His power; and may the Immaculate Virgin, the destroyer of all heresies, be with you by her prayers and aid.’ And the devil will raise a great big haw haw haw at that.
“Because I suspect that the sole pleasure that the devil gets down is hell is seeing Yellofs get their eternal come-uppance. That’s the devil’s sense of humor–those who had it bad on earth will have it even more lousy rotten down below. Right now, down there in hell, Cinder Dicks and Railroad Bulls are no doubt repeatedly being beaten by squadrons of angry hobos. Shyster lawyers are being buried under their weight of their law books, and the massive bundles of lying depositions from expert witnesses.
“And that’s not all. I’ll bet that whores are forced to read edifying literature. Illiterates are trapped in rooms full of books, and no pictures. And bookworms are only allowed to read government documents pertaining to the agricultural output of New Caledonia in the year 1860.
“Oh, I’m imagining that hell is actually a jolly old holiday destination, just so long as you’re not the one on the receiving end.
“There is a genuine city street replete with a filthy alley where garrulous biddies who defile the early morning calm with their empty-headed chatter are forced to listen to a wax cylinder recording of their own cracked voices for all eternity.
“There is an infernal trolley car where rude fatsos who push their way ahead of the boarding line get dumped on their asses onto the freezing cold railroad tracks.
“There is a fancy first-run theater where Yellofs who cough, titter and belch during performances are forced to endure the sound and smell of a fat man ceaselessly eating and ceaselessly regurgitating rotten eggs and sausage.
“There is a perpetual carnival where vindictive Negroes pitch hardballs at the heads of dignified southern gentlemen.
“Laconic sign painters and unscrupulous bill posters are forced to swallow vast quantities of their own wheat paste and gold leaf.
“There’s a music store where tone-deaf youngsters play the all latest sentimental ballads–on the piano tuner’s teeth.
“There’s an office building, where dried-out little junior Clerks go to the pencil sharpener–and the sharpener grinds their heads to a fine point.
“There’s a grocery store where enormously fat swindling butchers and unscrupulous starveling shopkeepers grow thumbs so enormous they can no longer stand upright.
“In the lobby of Hell’s Hotel, furious baggage handlers and louche hotel bellboys are flung about and mauled by filthy snorting gorillas and savage mandrills.
“In the St. Hell hospital, crabby sick nurses and clumsy candy stripers receive endless enemas and pinpricks from disinterested interns.
“And quack Doctors are compelled to swallow so many of their sugary placebos that they get sick to their stomachs.
“Out in the country, over t’ West Hell, traveling salesmen face the business end of a shotgun again and again and again, even though they never did get to fuck the farmer’s daughter.
“Itinerant Gypsies cheerfully while away the hours hammering twopenny nails into the hapless heads of vulgar carpenters and shiftless tinsmiths.
“And down on the farm, egg candlers and chicken sexers have bright lights shone in their eyes while they are roughly manhandled by spiteful ogres.
“And fruit pickers and chicken pluckers have every hair on their heads tweezered out–one by one.
“And that’s just in the part of hell where the tourists are allowed to go!”
HE’S GOT THE POWER
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
THE NATURE OF KRISHNA CONSCIOUSNESS
WALKIN’ BACK TO HAPPINESS
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
“DOWN IN MY HEART”
The ghastliest puppet spectacle you’re ever likely to witness.
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
AMERICA IN BLACK, WHITE & GRAY. FISCHER. ****
APPARAT: THE SINGLES COLLECTION. ELLIS. ****
ATMOSPHERICS. ELLIS. ****
AVENGERS: ENDLESS WARTIME. ELLIS. ***1/2
BATMAN 1. I AM GOTHAM. ***1/2
BLACKGAS. ELLIS. ****
COMICS GONE APE. EURY. ***
COMPLETE POGO VOL. 1. KELLY. ****
CRIMINAL. BRUBAKER & PHILLIPS. ****
DECELERATE BLUE. RAPP & CAVALLARO. ****
DESOLATION JONES. ELLIS & WILLIAMS. ***1/2
DOWN. ELLIS. ****
THE EXTINCTION PARADE. BROOKS. ***1/2
EXTRAORDINARY X-MEN 2. APOCALYPSE WARS. ***1/2
THE FADE OUT. BRUBAKER & PHILLIPS. ****
FELL. ELLIS. ****
FRANKENSTEIN’S WOMB. ELLIS. ****
GRAVEL 1 & 2. ELLIS. ****1/2
HARLEY QUINN 6. BLACK, WHITE & RED ALL OVER. ***
HOTWIRE: REQUIEM FOR THE DAD. PUGH & ELLIS. ***1/2
IGNITION CITY. ELLIS. ***1/2
INJECTION. ELLIS. ****
JUSTICE LEAGUE 1. THE EXTINCTION MACHINES. ***
MOCKINGBIRD 1. I CAN EXPLAIN. ***1/2
MOON GIRL & DEVIL DINOSAUR 2. COSMIC COOTIES. ***
THE MURDER OF SONNY LISTON. ASSAEL. ***1/2
NEWSPRINTS. XU. **1/2
ONE PUNCH MAN 11. ONE. ***1/2
THE OTHER PARIS. SANTE. ****1/2
THE PARAGRAPHS. BERLIN. ***1/2
PEPPERMINT TWIST. JOHNSON ET AL. ***1/2
RAINBOW’S END. KLEIN. ****
THE SECRET GARDEN. BURNETT. ****
STOP FORGETTING TO REMEMBER. KUPER. ***1/2
STREET POISON: THE BIOGRAPHY OF ICEBERG SLIM. GIFFORD. ****
SUGAR SKULL. BURNS. ****
SUPERMAN 1. SON OF SUPERMAN. ***1/2
THE THING ABOUT LIFE IS THAT ONE DAY YOU’LL BE DEAD. SHIELDS. ***1/2
ULTIMATE GALACTUS 1-3. ELLIS. ****
USERNAME: REGENERATED. SUGG. ***
WOLVERINE: ORIGIN 1 & 2. ***1/2
YOUNG AVENGERS: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION 1. ***1/2
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
929. ALI AND HIS GANG FIGHT MR. TOOTH DECAY
Said to be one of the worst records ever recorded. Hear for yourself.
930. ELVIS’ GREATEST SHIT
HAVING FUN WITH ELVIS ON STAGE