MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
BAD IDEAS FOR TELEVISION SHOWS
THE MIGHTY THORAZINE
MEASURE MY TURTLE HEAD
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF IMPORTANT WHITE MAN
LET’S TORCH A HOBO
OLD MAN CAN’T
THE GRANDIOSE POORMOUTH SHOW
CHIMP-BAITING WITH WOLVES
THE LEGEND OF STABBITY MCSTAB
BRO AND MO
WORLD’S MOST INHUMANE RECIPES
PIMP MY GRANDMOTHER
HOBO CHANG BA
THE GARBAGE PEOPLE
COPS: CLICK IT OR TICKET
CATHARSIS THE CAT AND HERMENEUTICS THE MOUSE
THE AGONY OF THE FEET
The Brainless Bunch
Punching For Yen
Hippiehead and Snacky
Christmas Every Day
That’s What I’m Talking About
The Philosophy of Seth McFarlane
Stalin’s Funniest Home Videos
Law and Order: SUV
Crumbs From the Midget’s High Chair
Eat The Wife
Chowhounds On Parade
My Old Man’s A Fatso!
Only God Loves Ugly Babies
Mommy Drinks Because You Cry
The Importance of Concrete Statistics
Cease to Exist!
Knights in Satan’s Service
The Wonder Years, Starring The Manson Family
Cooking with Black Pepper Cowboy Bone
Drop a Load and You’ll Be Sitting On Top of the World
HITCHING A RIDE
You don’t see many hitchhikers these days.
There was one old Italian guy who would bum a ride from me at the Stop
and Shop. Haven’t seen him lately.
What with our enhanced security environment, I think the golden era
of hitch-hiking is probably as dead as vaudeville, or hoppin’ freights
by riding the rods.
I pretty much stopped hitchhiking in the late 80s.
I noticed that even in the early 80s, it had lost some of its charm.
The 70s were a much better time to hitch-hike. Especially if you had long hair.
On many interstates it has probably always been illegal. I’ve gotten
kicked off the New York thruways in White Plains and Buffalo. Never
even tried the Jersey Turnpike. Never had any problems in Virginia,
Pennsylvania, or Massachusetts. In fact, in the Summer of ’78, in
Cambridge MA, I would often stand at the 1-90 onramp on Monday morning
around 9am and be able to get to NYC by 5pm.
Truck drivers were usually cool.
But, sometimes, ole Benny was at the wheel….
My most bizarre hitchhiking experience?
In the Summer of 1983 I was hitching from Erie PA to Cambridge
The baby thought I was its mom and kept trying to suck on my nipple.
We often find on re-examining works cherished by us in our more
innocent days that we are responding, not only to the inferiority of
the work, but our scorn at our own innocence.
That’s why it’s a balancing act to objectively assess such things.
In our scorn for our own past sentimental attachments, we must not go too far the other way and fail to continue to see the good aspects of what attracted us in the first place.
That said, most of the spy movies and television programming we loved as kids were rubbish. Absolute rubbish. And propagandistic rubbish at that. As such, they are perhaps no better or no worse than other such rubbish. Maybe a slight cut above most rubbish in terms of how effectively it’s pulled off–for instance, the most successful spy films, such as the James Bond series. Those movies are like a machine for belief; an ideologues delight; a cold warrior’s wet dream. Not surprising, since the author of the books was involved himself in British intelligence….
POLICEMEN AND WEAPONS
Cops (usually) don’t actually LIKE to shoot people.
But they know full well that after shooting a felon, they do not
always automatically drop. It can take woofed-up crims a good TWO FULL MINUTES to fall.
And the acceptable perimeter for a man waving a knife is a full 21
feet. Because a guy with a knife can be on you in seconds, even after he’s been shot.
I’m not saying that those who decry police brutality may not sometimes have a point.
But combat shootin’ is different than plinkin’ cans down at the ol’
And if they policemen sometimes seem to over-react, maybe it’s because they don’t want their fellow cops to get killed.
THE TRAGIC MAGIC OF DISNEY
Too much of Disney animation is facile crap.
Anything made before Three Caballeros and after the Little Mermaid
gets a pass. But between WWII and ca. 1989, Disney was coasting,
That the Disney empire is the nexus of evil seems so obvious to
me and many others that you don’t have to be the equivalent of a
33-degree Mason to have sussed that out.
1) Their distortion of every myth that has ever dared us to be great.
(Their version of Tom Sawyer billed him as “The Original Bad Boy”.)
2) The pathetic fallacy runs rife through their every depiction of the
3)And, finally, their rumored intelligence connections. See the following
….the entire Illuminati threw their weight behind promoting Walt
Disney. Ronald Reagan and Walt Disney were good friends and both cut
from the same die in many ways. Both men were high ranking
Freemasons…both were paid FBI informants, and both were involved
heavily in the abuse of mind-controlled slaves….
Reagan served as the emcee for the opening day of Disneyland on July
17, 1990. He returned with Illuminati TV host Art Linkletter for the
[Note: there is a whole substrate of conspiracy literature
in which women claim to have been the mind-controlled
slaves of the likes of Bob Hope, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Junior,
and “Boxcar Willie–pedophile.” See “Uncle Ronnie’s Sex Slaves”
by Robert Sterling in Apocalypse Culture II, ed. Adam Parfrey.]
GOLDMAN ON LENNON
Yeah, he makes all sorts of unfounded allegations.
That Lennon went to Thailand, and maybe it was as a “sex tourist”.
That Lennon killed Stu Sutcliffe with kicks to the head.
That Yoko ratted out Paul for the pot that the Japanese customs boys found.
Goldman pretty much hated rock and roll.
That’s why it’s kind of important to read him.
I just read a glowing biography of Clinton and his first term in
office by a fellow named Nigel Hamilton. It’s the usual fare–the
school of historical writing ala “on the one hand…on the other
hand”. This style is judicious from the point of view of a historian,
but a lot gets lost. For instance, Hamilton doesn’t even mention that
Nader was running in 1996.
In contrast to such a tip-toe approach to contemporary history we have
people like Goldman, a dude who was so angry that he died in the
mid-Atlantic of an apoplectic fit when they refused to upgrade him to
In a world where everything is oh-so-lukewarm, certain troublemakers
like to scald their readers. The refreshing thing about
anti-hagiographers like Albert Goldman is that they aren’t afraid to
dish out their witches’ brew boiling hot.
THE BLACK PANTHER COLORING BOOK, BROUGHT TO YOU BY COINTELPRO
Regarding Hoover, it is possible that no better proof of Lord Acton’s
maxim regarding absolute power exists–at least, in our polity.
That said, the man still commanded intense loyalty among his
subordinates (and still commands it among many who are still living).
There is a vast sub-literature of Hoover demonography; my favorite is
perhaps James Ellroy’s THE COLD SIX THOUSAND, his fictionalized
account of the aftermath of the Kennedy assassination, in which Hoover
plays a pivotal role.
Hoover had a bee in his bonnet about uppity blacks of any stripe. He
was slow to address the Klan-–he only did so, I seem to recall, on the
insistence of the A.G., RFK; at all other times he was very quick to
jump with both feet first on Black Nationalist of any kind. Was he
serving the ends of the Zeitgeist? Indubitably.
I don’t want to get into a big philosophic debate about the rightness
or wrongness of government infiltration of radical groups. And
armchair generalship and 20/20 hindsight are vices familiar to
However: in re: the present consensus among those who have written
knowledgeably about Hoover and about the civil rights era (Curt Gentry
and Taylor Branch are two names that spring immediately to mind)?
It seems to pretty clearly favor the following judgments:
Hoover did not necessarily overestimate the threat of the Black Panthers.
He did shamelessly persecute MLK.
The FBI may have had a hand in the death of Malcolm X.
Hoover did overestimate the threat of the CCCP-USA.
Hoover underestimated the influence of the Mob. (And that’s a whole
‘nother kettle of fish….)
Hoover underestimated the threat of the Klan, and similar white
nationalist groups such as the White Citizen’s Council (aka ‘The
[Please note I do not endorse the unsavory agenda of the people
posting the information below.]
When you run into toxic people, ignoring them will only make them push you further to see just how far they can go. Better to say to them, right out front, “I hear you talking, but it’s not like you’re talking to me. It’s like you’re talking to yourself. When you decide that you actually want to talk to me, then by all means let me know. I’m more than happy to listen to what you have to say to me.”
Keeping my television in the closet of my spare room and never taking it out
except in the event of some dire emergency (which has yet to happen) means
I can save $100 a month because I don’t need to pay for bundled cable from
Verizon, plus I never have the urge to eat at McDonald’s, Dunkin Donuts, or any of the other money traps that can chip away at my
discretionary income. I probably save close to $2,000 a year by not watching
Plus, I have hours and hours of precious free time each and every day to
do the things that truly interest me.
VH1’s I Love 5 Seconds Ago
Who Wants To Marry Some Fat Piece Of Shit?
America’s Most Wan Ted
What’s Been Happening Lately?
Win Ben Stein’s Mummy
This Week In Advertising
Dancing With The (remaining) Cars–omelette
Are You Stronger Than a Rapist?-iwillstealyoursoul
The Cockney Geico Lizard Show
Mad About Jews
Beverly, MA 01915
My So-Called Lice
Freaks and Greeks
Don’t Taze Me, Bro!–Soup
America’s Most Infirm Invalids
Who Wants to be a Civil Servant?
Everybody Hates AIDS
Will and Grace and Geraldo
The Fat Slob and Hot, Bitchy Wife Sitcom
That Late 90s/Early 2000s Show
Baby’s First Time
Bonkers for Yonkers
Novac and Ashcroft At the Movies
The Counting Pennies Show
Elizabeth Berkley Reads the Classics
My Grandma is Better at Smoking Than Yours
The Shane McGowan Morning Show
America’s Funniest Home Invasions
Hawaii 5-0: Denver
Around the World in 80 Gays
Pee: The Series
Have You Seen My Car Keys?
Return of Old Man Can’t–elk
The Bionic Tranny
Dancing with the Former Child Stars
America’s MOST Fartest Model
Crabs of Love
The Banal Life
Fast & The Furious: The Series
The Sarah Connor Colonoscopies
Battlestar Metallica–the antichris
Name That Stool
The Mission Hillbillies.
Gag Me and Mace Me
Pimp My Outhouse
B.J. the Bear–Imidaho
oprah on ice
rowan & martin’s fist-in
felching w/the stars
balls to the waltons
don kirchner’s rock collection
maim that tune
golden shower girls
mary tyler morbid
partridge family feud
the facts of lice
hogan knows lassie
the maude squad
larry the unstable guy
being bobby brown on $40 a day
make room for gerbils
flip this pancake
pimp my desperate housewife
win ben stein’s monkey
bowling for crumbs
i’ve got a secretion–coughlin
From Hitler’s View
Jimmy the Bitchin’ Koala
Birds ‘n’ Worms
Track That Package (With FedEx)
Competitive Carpet Installing
Watch it Rot
Morning commute–Dr. Moose
sex and the mountains–cant go wrong with tha shocker
Titicut Follies: The Series
America’s Got Gunt
Min Headroom–hook operator
MY TWO MOMS AND THE SPERM DONOR
WIN THIS DUCK
BIN LADEN’S ISLAND
PAULY SHORE AND THE WEASEL JUG BAND XMAS SPECIAL
WHEEL OF OPRAH–Thunder Horse
SQUID OR NO SQUID
TWO STEPS BEYOND
FULL BLOWN MAIDS
SCRAM OR STAY
POOKY PARS JOOKY OH MY
FRIENDS AND ENEMAS
MIAMI OY MY FEET ARE KILLING ME
YO,CAN I AX YOU SUMPIN?
DIALING FOR WORK
SEXY BOY FUN QUIZ–sputnik