THE INFORMATION #922 JANUARY 6, 2017

THE INFORMATION #922

JANUARY 6, 2017
Copyright 2017 FRANCIS DIMENNO
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
 
Gambling is a disease of barbarians superficially civilized. –Dean Inge
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER ELEVEN: PART FIVE: DAYS OF WRATH
“Life’s a dream,” said Count Victor Justin. “Life’s a game. Life’s a gamble. A great big gamble. Maybe that’s why some flunkeys enjoy rolling the bones. Casting their lot. Pushing their luck. But they always go to the well just once too often, and that’s all she wrote. Think I’m funnin’ with you? I’ll tell you something, Yob. Don’t develop a gambling habit. There’s no future in making wagers when you’re up against crooked dice or marked cards, or you’re betting on fixed horse races and boxing matches. Taking a gamble is fine for mopes that have to forage for food in the jungle. Watching a tiny-skulled spider monkey waver between leaping from one branch to another or simply staying put sure can be a lot of fun. Maybe the little Yellof will starve if he don’t make his great leap into the unknown. Or maybe something will turn up near the bottom of the tree. A tasty shrub or tuber. Who’s to say? It’s all in the hands of the Lordy. 
 
“And I suppose wagering with your own life is also fine for jaded wealthy Yellofs who go in for big game hunting and long to experience the thrill of killing a lion on the African savannah or a tiger in the Indian jungle or a black bear in the north woods of Canada. After having essayed every other frisson there is, including an actual ride in one of them newfangled aeroplanes, I suppose that a well-heeled Yellof needs the extra thrill of the hunt to set his tired old bones to ringing with the vital juices of his salad years. As for the common Yellof, I suppose the biggest thrill he ever gets is taking an extra five minutes off for his lunch break and gettin’ away with it; or maybe for a dame it’s pocketing a lipstick in the department store and grinning like a cat eating shit out of a hairbrush as she walks through the revolving door without payin’. What she doesn’t know is that sooner or later, she’ll get caught. Department stores hire at least two or three undercover bulls to catch such weak-minded women in the very act. Generally, they give them a good talkin’ to and send them back home to their husbands in shame. ‘I’ve never done anything like that before,’ she’ll bawl, and it’ll surely be a lie, because even a store detective knows that you nearly always can get away with something, once. Every now and again they’ll snag a bored rich dame in their net. Usually, they don’t even bother to scold her. Just send on her way, knowin’ that whatever little trinket she managed to swipe will be more than made up for by some elaborate purchase later on. Sometimes you got to know when to put up with thievery. But the one mistake the high society dames shouldn’t make is saying that they know the Mayor, et cetera. Of course they do! Everybody knows the fucking Mayor. But that don’t cut no ice with those hard cases. When you’re caught with your hand in the cookie jar and you try to throw your weight around, that’s when the security dicks are inclined to make it extra tough on a Yellof. 
 
“Of course, in the case of a Negro wench who tries the same stunt, the outcome is very different. I can see her logic: ‘Them Crackers treat me like I’m a slave, lower than the dirt, so I mize well get some of my own back, and smouch me a pretty.’ And when they catch up to her, the best she can hope for is a beating, and usually worse. All the store dicks are convinced that Negroes steal. They share this knowledge among themselves like it’s the gospel truth. And they always watch the Negroes extra close. That’s exactly when you want to start boosting stuff–when the store detectives are distracted by Negroes. Male-female teams are usually very effective. Usually, or so we are led to believe, it’s the man who ropes the pretty little lady into a life of crime. Or, anyway, so the judge is inclined to think. So the Yellof gets sent up the river for three to five, making little ones out of big ones, and the pore weak women gets six months in the county, scrubbing jailhouse floors. After that time, the law trusts she will be penitent and sometimes she even marries the chinless wonder of a sheriff’s deputy and makes him a dandy little wife. Stranger things have happened. 
 
“You can make a pretty piece of ooftish by consistently outwitting the store dicks. If you are inclined that way. Me, I find that to be a move that’s strictly from hunger. Too many chances of getting jugged for too small a reward. Most con men will spend their ooftish pretty freely, secure in the knowledge that they can always get more just by pulling off a short con on a drunken sucker. Or a long con on nearly any prosperous but greedy Yellof. Out in the boondocks, there’s a thousand of them. In the smaller cities, they number in the millions. 
 

“St. Lou has always been my favorite. Or it least it was, once upon a time, until it became something of a burned-over district. The trouble with St. Lou is that the people there were a little too friendly and too trusting. They were so easy to scalp that some of the grifters got greedy and began to take extraordinary advantage. Reminds me of the Dodo. He was so tasty and so fearless and tame and so easy to kill that very soon, he went extinct. Working St. Lou in its heyday was like having a license to print money. For a very negligible sum, you could hire a roper to hang out in the lobby of the Planter House Hotel. His sole purpose would be to hook in a prosperous-looking mark for a friendly game of cards played for very low stakes. You’d let the mark win, of course. Then you’d take him for a friendly drink at one of the many beer gardens that dot the Queen City of the West.

You’d even let him show you around the city. The Zoo. The Soulard Market. Washington University. The Arboretum. And suchlike. Then you’d get down to brass tacks. You’ve got this money-making proposition that will double his ooftish immediately, or in ten days, or thirty, or in six months. Doesn’t matter what the gimmick is–the gold brick. The money box. The salted mine. The Papal letter. The Wire. Once he takes your bait, you can practically see the wheels spinning in his head as he calculates how much profit he can make on the crooked deal with whatever assets he can borrow, beg or steal. Of course, every now and again you hook one who won’t play ball. Better to drop that sort of lug cold. Dose him with a few snorts of chloral and leave him naked in a filthy alleyway sans money belt. That’ll learn ‘im not to go off half-cocked! 

 
“Of course, you don’t want to pull that cute little stunt too often. You have to think about not stepping in on the livelihood of your fellow professionals. It wouldn’t be fair to completely burn the lot. Like I said before–even a grifter has got some scruples.” 
1*SALUTATION
CHAMBERS BROTHERS
TIME HAS COME TODAY
 
SEE ALSO:
CHRIS BELL
YOU AND YOUR SISTER
ALSO SEE:
BERT PARKS
LET ‘EM IN
2*REFERENCE
ALSO SEE:
THE 50 BEST HOLIDAY SONGS OF ALL TIME
 
SEE ALSO:

26 Holiday Pinterest Fails That Ruined Christmas

3*HUMOR
DICK CRAZY/TRACE DICKEY
BY KAZ
“I can only write on the white bacteria found on tongues.”
 
SEE ALSO:
TRICKY CAD
BY JESS
 
SEE ALSO:
THE CABBIE
BY MARTI
 
TICK DRACY
BY BILL ELDER
 
ALSO SEE:
DETOURNEMENT

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D%C3%A9tournement

4*NOVELTY
MAXWELL HOUSE COMMERCIAL 
PAUL LYNDE
 
ALSO SEE:
BYE BYE BIRDIE
ED SULLIVAN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRLe6MfGsDo

 
SEE ALSO
PAUL LYNDE
BAD BAD LEROY BROWN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do1as6IYoCA

9*RUMOR PATROL
WHAT PEOPLE IN 1967 IMAGINED THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE IN 1999
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
THE EVOLUTION OF POPULAR MUSIC BY YEAR

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaqokusDbbs

 
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
ABANDONED CARS. LANE. ****
AGATHA: THE REAL LIFE OF AGATHA CHRISTIE. MARTINETTI, LEBEAU & FRANC. ****
ALL-NEW X-MEN INEVITABLE 2. APOCALYPSE WARS. ***1/2
BATMAN & ROBIN ETERNAL 1. ***
BECOMING ANDY WARHOL. BERTOZZI & HARGAN. ****
BUT WHAT IF WE’RE DOING IT WRONG? KLOSTERMAN. ****
THE CITY IN SLANG. ALLEN. ****1/2
DC UNIVERSE REBIRTH. ***1/2
THE DOWNSIZED. HOWARTH. ***1/2
ECHOES. ***1/2
GRAYSON 3. NEMESIS. ***1/2
GRAYSON 4. A GHOST IN THE TOMB. ***1/2
HOLE IN THE HEART. BEAUMONT. ****
THE INFOGRAPHIC GUIDE TO SCIENCE. CABOT. ****
THE INFOGRAPHIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD. 2E. D’EFILIPPO & BALL. ***1/2
LAST BREATH. STARK. ****1/2
LIAR’S KISS. SKILLMAN & SORIANO. ***1/2
THE LONG SHADOW OF SMALL GHOSTS. TILLMAN. ***1/2
THE MAN IN THE GRAY FLANNEL SUIT. WILSON. ****
MARVEL’S DR. STRANGE: PRELUDE. ***
THE NEON WILDERNESS. ALGREN. ****
NICHOLAS. GIRARD. ****
SPY THE LIE. HOUSTON. ****
SUPER WEIRD HEROES. YOE. ***
SUPERGIRL. FRIENDS AND FUGITIVES. ***
SUPERGIRL 2. BREAKING THE CHAIN. ***
SUPERMAN: AMERICAN ALIEN. ****
SUPERMAN 2. RETURN TO GLORY. ***1/2
SUPERMARKET. WOOD. ***1/2
TRUMP: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION. KURTZMAN. ****
UNBEATABLE SQUIRREL GIRL 4. ***1/2
A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE. ALGREN. ****1/2
 
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
881. CARTOON SUICIDE REEL
 
882. TONY MILLIONAIRE ANNOUNCES END OF MAAKIES

Been getting a lot of response from despondent Drinky Crow readers. Take heart. Drinky Crow, Uncle Gabby etc are not dead, just the weekly Maakies. I plan on many more comics with DC and UG and many more different comics. I will give you comics until I am bones in a grave or ashes in a box. –Tony

 
883. 20 WORST SNACKS TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS
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