MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
2. WHY BOB DYLAN SHOULD NOT GET THE NOBEL PRIZE
1) He’s mean
2) He’s cheap
3) He taught the Beatles how to smoke marijuana
And those are his good qualities!.
3. SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: GRAB YOUR BAG, IT’S ON
This sounds to me like an open invitation to guys everywhere to grab their nut sacks.
Joins the Hall o’ Fame:
How do we love you? Let us count the ways…
[That’s a love I can probably do without, thanks.]
It’s time to fly.
[Unless we’re overbooked….]
We know why you fly. We’re American Airlines.
[Sounds vaguely menacing and totalitarian. Who came up with this slogan–J. Edgar Hoover?]
We have to earn our wings every day.
[Umm…I hope not.]
Aeroflot, Russian airline
Sincerely yours, Aeroflot
[Who devised this slogan–the Comintern?]
The Proud Bird with the Golden Tail
[Do they show ‘Goldfinger’ for the in-flight movie?
Trans World Airlines (TWA)
You’re going to like us.
[Or else what?]
KLM Royal Dutch Airlines
KLM. The Reliable Airline
[We expect more than mere reliability. Like, competence would be nice.]
Motto: Asia’s boutique airline – Exclusive Service to Exotic Gems
[What are they selling–bootleg diamonds smuggled out of South Africa?]
4. ANNOYING MOVIE CLICHES AND STEREOTYPES
All knockabout hoboes, twinkly-eyed coots, and sassy fat black women have lived unquestionably noble lives of incredible suffering and hardship and are therefore incredibly wise.
The timer for the doomsday bomb is always defused at 00:00:01.
Free spirit shows tight ass how to enjoy life.
The People-getting-to-know-and-gosh-darn-it-enjoy-each-other’s-company montage scene.
All businessmen and political authorities are evil and have something to hide. (Particularly in 70s films).
All war vets are psychotic (Ditto).
We are almost never told how affluent people made their money, unless they gained their fortunes through trickery and deceit.
From about 1933 to around 1958, men seemingly always “talked turkey” in a clipped, staccato tone. Like every second of the spoken word costs them a year of their life so they’ve got to say it FAST. Of course, SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS (1958) is where this trick was mastered.
5. BACON CHIC
By my reckoning, Bacon Chic is nearly ten years old.
It’s nice to see that the younger generation has finally found a cause to embrace as their very own.
Stodgy hippies can slouch their way to the boneyard muttering about how “Bacon is death, maaan….”
But the coming generation is hip to what their swingin’ grandfolks have known for decades.
Bacon, my friends, is not evil, bad, or even morally suspect.
It’s merely maple-flavored pigmeat marbled with fat.
Sugar, protein, and grease.
6. THE DONUT KING
Ah ha, my lard, this prince is not an Edward!
He is not lolling on a lewd love-bed,
But on his knees at meditation–K. Richard III: 6, vii.
I’m wondering about the Donut King.
What are his private thoughts, right after June 5th, celebrated in the far-off United States as National Donut Day?
While his minions sweep up the debris following all the deep-frying
and powdered sugar, does he muse?
What are his hopes and fears for his Australian kingdom?
Does he brood, Macbeth-like, over his rivalry with Dunkin Donuts, a possible pretender to his throne?
Does he fear Mister Donut, the likely interloper from far-flung Japan?
And what of the arrivistes from Krispy Kreme? Does he not spend many a sleepless night fearing their potential encroachments; the potential that someday, once more, their star shill overshadow his?
Does he dream?
And in his dreams, does he mingle in a swell embassy ballroom in the Sydney Opera House with the fried dough monarchs of other lands?
Senor Factura, from Argentina?
Senor Sonhos, from Brazil?
Canada’s Tim Horton (another potential rival)?
Herr Berliner, from Germany?
Citizen Kleinuhringur, from Iceland?
Indonesia’s Donat Kentang?
Mr. Bomboloni, from Italy?
Dona Donas, from Mexico?
Mr. Paczki, from Poland?
Sir Gravy Ring, from the Republic of Northern Ireland?
Vetkoek Koeksuster, from South Africa?
Mullah Yoyo, from Tunisia?
Do they quarrel along factional lines?
Cake vs, Yeast?
Jelly filling vs. cream?
The proper role of donut holes?
The place in their world for crypto-donuts such as Long Johns, Yum Yums, Funnel Cakes, Crullers, and Biegnets?
And do their wild disputes erupt into insensate sectarian violence,
during which the floors become slippery with lard and glaze, and no
footing is secure?
Surely Donut King must fidget upon his shaky throne as he contemplates his disparate matters of State, such as physical fitness drives among policemen, the growing popularity of Churros, and the sullying of his name and reputation among adolescent Australian Hooners who delight in creating burnouts on virgin roads.
Heavy indeed is the head that wears the Krown!
Forbear to judge, for we are sinkers all.
Close up his eyes, and draw the curtain close;
And let us all to meditation.–King Henry VI 2: 3, iii.
7. LOU REED: SOME UNSOLICITED OPINIONS
Lou Reed has toiled in obscurity for too long. His is the most tragic story in all of Rock and Roll. It’s high time “the man” finally got some recognition.
Even though the so-called “sophistos” may mock “the Big L.” because he his managed to “kick the monkey” and he knows what it’s like to be “down and out” and he went to “the college of the hard knocks” and he will always give a one hundred dollar bill to a hungry moocher and is known to one and all as “the poor man’s very best friend”, still, he is the “star” I most admire.
This honorable man, who challenged the hypocrisy of the “fun-fun-fun” Beach Boys generation with his brutally honest and candid and frank songs about the seamy “underside” of the New York “scene”, was a brave pioneer who ALWAYS told THE TRUTH with never a thought of monetary gain. Never slow to give credit to his sidemen, he is a type of Jewish “Saint”.
The Velvet Underground are towering legends.The Beatles of their day. Never mind that they and the Beatles shared the same time period. Shut Up.The Beatles aren’t fit to lick their Cuban boots. Lou Reed’s first album is a masterpiece. So what if he recorded with Yes. And even his demo recordings like Do the Ostrich are far better than anything on Revolver. And I must also use Heroin because Lou said to. And I will wear black leather jackerts and be down with the people. Berlin is a masterpiece I tell you. Never mind what people say, how it’s depressing. What do “Norms” like them know? And nobody has ever recorded a better album than The Bells. Don Cherry isn’t fit to breathe his air. And I will tell you that even though some people say his voice sounds like a dusthead’s dying croak do you know what I hear? I hear nothing but street cred. I tell you the man is a towering legend. And anyone who says different knows Nothing. NO THING!!!
SO SHUT UP SHUT UP CONEY ISLAND BABY IS A MASTERPIECE– “I WANT TO PLAY FOOTBALL FOR THE COACH”–BRILLIANT! WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT THIS MAN F*CKERS HE IS THE FRANK SINATRA OF PUNK I THINK HE IS A GENIUS BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A POET AND A MAN OF THE STREETS AND ANY MAN WHO WANTS TO GET TO LOU WILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME F*CKER AND THAT MEANS YOU, C*******U, YOU TOEF*CKER.
OK, HATERS–MAYBE HE LIVES IN A PENTHOUSE–but it’s a penthouse with integrity, damnit! Listen, f*ckers–Lou Reed didn’t take any “sh*t” from “The Man”. He walked it like he talked it! Ask Delmore Schwartz! That’s right–DELMORE SCHWARTZ!!!!!!!!!!!8.THE JOKER’S BONER CRIMES
1) Why is the Joker making that peculiar motion?
2) Why is the Joker wearing gloves? Purple gloves?
3) Why do criminals wear their hats indoors?
4) Why is the fat man wearing a bow-tie?
5) What’s behind that curtain?
6) And what kind of newspaper runs headlines like “Chortle at Joker’s Boner”?
9. NO GOOD PLACE: AN INTRODUCTION TO DYSTOPIAN FICTION
The word Utopia literally means “no place,” and was coined by Thomas More in his 1516 work of the same title. Samuel Butler later inverted the word “Nowhere” to write his 1888 novel “Erewhon”. The classic Utopian novel or essay describes a perfect city or commonwealth.
Much confusion can be avoided by defining one’s terms, so there is a distinction to be drawn between Utopias, Apocalyptic Fiction,
Anti-Utopias, and Dystopias.
In apocalyptic fiction, the emphasis is upon the destruction as the
world as it was at the time in which the narrator is writing. It is
more in the realm of speculative fiction than hard science fiction,
though it may have elements of the latter.
An anti-Utopian work, on the other hand, concerns itself with what
happens when a society sets out to create a perfect world, one which, however, is marred by one or more fatal flaws. Three well-known examples of this genre are George Orwell’s 1984 (1949), Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World (1933), and Yevgeny Zamyatin’s We (1921).
Dystopias are similar–some would say nearly identical–to anti-utopias; however, in a dystopic work, the original conception of the Utopia as a perfect place or commonwealth has been perverted from the start.
Dystopic works tend to be either avowedly or covertly political in
nature, and they can often be satirical in intent, if not in
execution. Philip K. Dick’s works such as The Man in the High Castle (1961), A Scanner Darkly (1977), and Radio Free Albemuth (1985) are three examples of the satirical strain, but there are countless others.
Many of these books also fall under the heading of Alternate or Alternative History–premised on the notion of “what if”. However, not all novels or essays that deal with Alternative History are necessarily dystopias. Furthermore, dystopias are not necessarily always written by science fiction authors. Many “literary” authors have experimented with this form, notably Jack London (The Iron Heel); Aldous Huxley (Brave New World); Sinclair Lewis (It Can’t Happen Here); George Orwell (1984); Anthony Burgess (A Clockwork Orange); Cormac McCarthy (The Road), and Roberto Bolano (Nazi Literature in the Americas).
Like many forms of genre fiction, dystopias tend to similarity of
theme and display a number of genre conventions. These often include, but are not limited to:
Some form of rigid class structure or biologically engineered caste system
The destruction of individuality and of the nuclear family
Top-down governing and financial control of the populace
The use of emotionless pleasure–usually via sex and drugs–employed to
maintain social stability
An urban setting
It might truly be said that a dystopic novel frequently reflects
concerns that were current when the author wrote it. In nearly all
cases, we can see the Dystopia as a warning–a type of yet-to-be
chronicled alternate history or what may or shall happen if present
Here is a selection of several notable examples of this genre.
The Island of Dr. Moreau. H. G. Wells. (1896)
The Iron Heel. Jack London. (1906)
We. Yevgeny Zamyatin. (1922)
Brave New World. Aldous Huxley. (1932)
It Can’t Happen Here. Sinclair Lewis. (1935)
1984. George Orwell. (1949)
Fahrenheit 451. Ray Bradbury. (1953)
A Clockwork Orange. Anthony Burgess. (1962)
A Scanner Darkly. Philip K. Dick. (1977)
Nazi Literature in the Americas. Roberto Bolano. (1996)
For further reference:
Herald, Diana Tixier and Bonnie Kunzel, Strictly Science Fiction: A
Guide to Reading Interests (Greenwood Village, Co: Libraries
15 Influential Early Works of Apocalyptic Fiction (1805-1945)
Le Dernier Homme (The Last Man). Jean-Baptiste Cousin de Grainville, 1805
The Last Man. Mary Shelley, 1826
After London. Richard Jeffries, 1885
Caesar’s Column. Ignatius Donnelly, 1890
The Time Machine. H.G. Wells, 1895
War of the Worlds. H.G. Wells, 1898
The Machine Stops. E.M. Forster, 1909
The Night Land. William Hope Hodgeson, 1912
The Scarlet Plague. Jack London, 1912
R.U.R. (Rossum’s Universal Robots). Karel Čapek, 1921
Last and First Men. Olaf Stapledon, 1930
The Shape of Things to Come. H.G. Wells, 1933
When Worlds Collide. Edwin Balmer and Philip Wylie, 1933
Anthem. Ayn Rand, 1938
Nightfall. Isaac Asimov, 1941