THE INFORMATION #905 SEPTEMBER 9, 2016

THE INFORMATION #905
SEPTEMBER 9, 2016

 

Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer.–Will Rogers

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART EIGHTY-SEVEN: KINGDOM COME 
One evening Count Victor Justin noticed me standing there drinking in his every word as he pontificated to the sports and loochers at the Seven Stars Tavern, who were also hanging on his every word, mostly, I guess, because he was flush in those days and was always buying a round for the assembled loafers, and passing out not-half-bad cigars along side of his anecdotal musings. The Count signalled to me to come over and said, in my general direction, ‘Let’s you and me go for a little walk, Yob. I think I need to pound your earie some.’
 
So I met him out of doors a few minutes later. He talked, and I walked. I was expecting as much. I had to wonder–what urgent communique did he need to impart to me that necessitated our leaving the snug environs of the saloon, with its ceiling fan stirring up a sluggish breeze, and going out of doors, where summer was turning to fall and yet the air was still stale and humid?
 
I soon discovered that he wanted to talk to me like a Dutch Uncle. “All that bloviating I do when I belly up to the bar there,” said he. “That’s strictly for show. Becasue that’s the variety of palaver those tomfool reprobates expect from the likes of me. But I’m here to tell you that you might decide to walk a more righteous path, and there ain’t one grifter in a hundred who would tell you you’re being a fool. The fact of the matter is, a great many grifters, if they had been born to wealth or at least had hob-nobbed with respectable folk at a young and impressionable age, why, they’d of grown to be pillars of their communities and a credit to their families. I know, because I come from what you’d refer to as quality people, but got embroiled in some scandals when I was just a lad, and could never go home no more. It’s the same sad story you’ll hear on a hundred street corners, I’m certain.
 
“Don’t be fooled by reading those cheap novels–all that Charles Dickens and Horatio Alger flummery you might of perused. Don’t get to thinking that if you save a pretty dame from a runaway hoss, your fortune will be made, because it’ll turn out that her old man is a rich feller who will want to take you on in his firm as your reward, and you’ll be so whip-smart and work so damn hard that before long you’ll be his son-in-law and heir apparent. I ain’t no socialist, God knows, but that there’s what they ought to call a capitalist fairy tale. It just don’t turn out that way. At the very least, there is going to be an old school tie, or a blood connection, or some other factor working in your favor before you can begin to rise in that world and mingle with respectable folks.
 
“Now, I’m going to tell you right now that there are very few interesting characters among the respectable class. You might almost say that it’s their job to be dull. And why wouldn’t they be? The wife is generally some dowager whose nickname is She Who Must Be Obeyed, and her job is to superintend a passel of servants so the family won’t be robbed blind by their supposedly loyal retainers. The old man shows up to work at the same unearthly early hour every weekday, and saturdays too, for well nigh onto forty years, so he can pay for upkeep on that grandiose mansion of his’n, and support his ever-growing brood o’ fine-haired kiddies. 
 
“I’m going to pass along to you now some hints as to how to mingle with the square shooters, if you should ever find yourself in a position to profit by an association with them. First and foremost, you have got to remember that they are animals, the same as the rest of us. But they are usually just slightly more sophisticated than some typical barroom loocher. They don’t go in for colorful and flashy clothes that say ‘Hey, look at me.’ Nor do they publically sing, burp, whistle, or spit–unless they’re very very drunk, which they seldom are, because a part of that restraint is either utter abstemiousness or, at the very least, an ability to hold your liquor. Here is what passes for showing off among the high muckety-mucks–they might wear a red or a blue necktie which discreetly advertises that they went to Harvard or Yale or some other diploma mill like that. Their collars will be pretty much loaded down with plenty of starch, and well they might be, too, since they have a full-time laundress working for them, and it’s very likely her name is Brigid or Mary or Aydeen. They get their hair cut once a week, and the barber, if he’s any good, will burn off the stray hairs on the back of their necks with a little candle, so that there’s literally not a hair out of place. And if they happen to wear a straw boater in the summer, you can be sure that it is not of a cheap make or manufacture.
 
“They will always wear a suit of a solid and conservative color–mostly black, brown, gray, or navy blue. No garish checks or loud pinstripes for these boys, and you can be sure that a green or orange suit among them is as rare as the sight of a unicorn in the stockyards, and if you ever see among them a man wearing a red suit, he is probably a doorman. But, mostly, you can tell a respectable man by his shoes and socks. Does he wear garters? He does indeed–and well he should. Nothing is more discouraging to look down upon than a pair of flabby hosiery. And believe me–these boys spend most of their time indoors, sitting around long tables talking about golf and real estate, and smoking big cigars. It should go without saying that their shoes are always of the best. All leather, including the soles, and always kept shined to a high polish. 
 
“Of course, I’m telling you all this so you can get in good with that posh bunch, who ride the cushions, and be an honest and productive citizen. I’d surely feel bad if you were to use this information for any left-handed or nefarious purposes–though it someday may come in handy if you’re up agin it and there ain’t no other way.
 
“One other thing. You will always see these men in church on Sunday. It’s not because they’re religious, nor is it because they wish to atone for their sins, since in their own minds they are entirely blameless–no, it’s because they wish to cultivate the esteem of their fellow co-religionists–and one or two hours a week spent kneeling and mumbling prayers to a remote and savage Deity is the most salutary and efficient way to do so.”  
1*SALUTATION

2*REFERENCE
THE WIT AND WISDOM OF JED CLAMPETT

3*HUMOR
TERRIBLE ALBUM COVERS
And then there are these, many of which are awful in a more old-fashioned way.
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4*NOVELTY
STAN FREBERG
FACE THE FUNNIES PARTS ONE AND TWO
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST

The 31 Most Ridiculous Questions Ever Asked On YahooAnswers

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6* DAILY UTILITY
CAN YOU EAT FOODS PAST THE SELL BY DATE?
 
NEVER EAT THESE FOODS PAST THE SELL-BY DATE
7*CARTOON
S-H-H-H-H-H
TEX AVERY
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POSSUM PEARL 
1957 HARVEYTOON
8*PRESCRIPTION 
50 SCARIEST ANTI-DRUG PSAs
I love “Bathtub” (#8).
9*RUMOR PATROL
JERRY LEWIS ON DEAN MARTIN, ROBERT DENIRO, AND HIS FAVORITE JOKE
10* LAGNIAPPE
ALLEN’S ARCHIVE OF EARLY AND OLD COUNTRY MUSIC
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM

Exceptionalism is a cognitive distortion common to every empire.

*11A BOOKS READ AND RATED
AGAINST PAIN. REGE. ***1/2
ALL-NEW ALL DIFFERENT AVENGERS 1. THE MAGNIFICENT 7. WAID. ***1/2
ALL-NEW X-MEN INEVITABLE 1. GHOSTS OF CYCLOPS. ***1/2
ANGEL OMNIBUS 1. **1/2
ANNOYING. PALCA & LICHTMAN. ****
APB. CAMPBELL, ET AL. ***
BATMAN: DEATH MASK. **
BATMAN: GOTHAM AFTER MIDNIGHT. NILES. ***
BATMAN: GOTHAM COUNTY LINE. NILES. ***
BATMAN: JECKYLL & HYDE. ***1/2
BATMAN: THRILLKILLER. CHAYKIN. ***
BLACK JACK 1. TEZUKA. ****
BLACK JACK 2. TEZUKA. ****
BLACK JACK 3. TEZUKA. ****
BREAD AND WINE. DELANY AND WOLFF. ***1/2
CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHITE. ***
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE DEATH OF CAPTAIN AMERICA 2. ***1/2
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE DEATH OF CAPTAIN AMERICA 3. ***1/2
THE CARTOON HISTORY OF THE MODERN WORLD PART 2. GONICK. ****1/2
CIVIL WAR: NEW AVENGERS. ****
CIVIL WAR: WOLVERINE. ***1/2
COUSIN JOSEPH. FEIFFER. ****
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT: A GRAPHIC NOVEL. KORKOS. ***1/2
DEADPOOL WORLD’S GREATEST 2. END OF AN ERROR. ***
DIANA PRINCE WONDER WOMAN 1. ***
FALLEN SON: THE DEATH OF CAPTAIN AMERICA. ***
FANTASTIC FOUR: INTO THE BREACH. ***1/2
FREAKS OF THE HEARTLAND. NILES. ***1/2
GREEN ARROW YEAR ONE. ***1/2
GREEN MANOR 1. ASSASSINS & GENTLEMEN. BODART & VEHLMANN. ****
GUARDIANS OF THE LOUVRE. TANIGUCHI. ****
HEADS. JARNOW. ***1/2
THE HERO. BOOK TWO. RUBIN. ****1/2
THE HOOD. VAUGHN. ***1/2
HOT DOG TASTE TEST. HANNAWALT. ***1/2
INCOMPLETE WORKS. HORROCKS. **1/2
INJUSTICE: GODS AMONG US. YEAR FOUR PART ONE. ****
IRON MAN: I AM IRON MAN. ***
JOHN CONSTANTINE, HELLBLAZER: THE FEAR MACHINE. ***
JOHN CONSTANTINE, HELLBLAZER: THE FAMILY MAN. ***1/2
JUDGMENT DAY. MOORE. ***1/2
THE KITCHEN. MASTERS. ***
LOCAL. WOOD & KELLY. ***1/2
LUCKY PENNY. HIRSH & OTA. **1/2
MALCOLM X. MARABLE. ****
THE MARCH. BOOK THREE. LEWIS. ****
MEGG AND MOGG IN AMSTERDAM. HANSELMAN. ****
MR. FOOSTER TRAVELING ON A WHIM. CORWIN. ***1/2
MS. MARVEL 8. WAR OF THE MARVELS. ***
MS. MARVEL 5. SUPER FAMOUS. ***
MUNCH. KVERNELAND. ****1/2
NAMELESS. MORRISON. ****1/2
NEONOMICON. MOORE & BURROWS. ****
THE OCTOBER FACTION 1. NILES. ****
THE OCTOBER FACTION 2. NILES. ****
OUTCAST 3: THIS LITTLE LIGHT. KIRKMAN. ***1/2
PATSY WALKER AKA HELLCAT 1. ***
POWDERED MILK. ROBERTS. ***1/2
PROJECT SUPERPOWERS 1. ROSS. **1/2
PROVIDENCE ACT 1. MOORE & BURROWS. ****1/2
PUNISHER MAX 4. UP IS DOWN & BLACK IS WHITE. ***1/2
RED’S PLANET 1. PITTMAN. ***
RINGSIDE 1. KEYFABE. KEATINGE & BARBER. ****
THE ROOK 1. SAVE YOURSELF. GRANT & DULACY. ***
SENSATIONAL SPIDER-MAN. FERAL. ***
SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN 2. COUNTDOWN. ***1/2
SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN 3. HERE THERE BE MONSTERS. ***1/2
THOREAU: A SUBLIME LIFE. DAN & LEROY. ****
THORS. AARON. ***1/2
THE TWILIGHT CHILDREN. HERNANDEZ. ***1/2
UNBEATABLE SQUIRREL GIRL 3. ***1/2
UPTIGHT 5. CRANE. ***1/2
THE WICKED + THE DEVINE 3. COMMERCIAL SUICIDE. ***
X-MEN FOREVER 3. COME TO MOTHER…RUSSIA! ***
 
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.

864. 

DOGS UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAY AND HOW YOU SAY IT

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Did you know that in North Korea they play this for 36 hours straight to thought criminals to soften them up?–Richard Smoley

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