“Consider every man colored till he is proved white.”–Mark Twain
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART EIGHTY-THREE: KINGDOM COME
As Tipsy Smith stood behind the long wooden bar at The Seven Stars Saloon and “cleaned” the chipped and foggy glasses and beer steins with his filthy rag, Count Victor Justin continued to hold forth about his favorite topic, the unreliable and quite possibly thoroughly bent con man and fellow grifter Jake Leaming.
“Old Jake had quite a bit to say about a number of topics, but–holy hooch!– the most bizarre of his so-called theories had to do with racial matters. Now, I myself am a son of the South, and I understand the way the way a Southerner thinks about the Colored Man, but Jake, he tried to make a science of it, what with all his unrepeatable mumbo-jumbo about the Mud People and the Angels of the Light. I’m supposing, however, that in spite of all his hateful race theories, his Mama taught him well, because he said to me once, ‘I always call ’em “negroes” because using that other word is the sign of a vulgarian. No man,’ he said, ‘who uses that word will ever be President.’
“Well, I don’t know about that. Anyway, Colored people don’t bother me none. They’re human beings, just like everyone else. I mean, who isn’t? One of them even saved my life once. One time I got caught cheating at cards and I was being beaten in an filthy alley down in Dinkytown, and the local Kingpin there strode up and said, ‘OK Boys–he’s had enough.’
“But this Jake Leaming, remember, is the world’s expert on everything, and that’s not all he had to say on the matter. ‘The colored folk all like me,’ Jake would say, ‘because they know I am their friend. Nothing gladdens my heart more than to see a colored man faithfully engaged in productive work–these honest Sons of Ham–just like the Bible says, “They shall be drawers of water and hewers of wood”–and when I see one hard at work, I frequently give him a well-deserved pat on the back. And how it gladdens my heart, to see the blubbery lips of a chocolate-colored buck with a sweaty phiz as he grins up at me with devoted gratitude. Sometimes I even say “Here, Boy,” and I throw him a buffalo nickel–and I chuckle as he scrambles for it, because I know how much they like bright and shiny things, and the grateful negro is always quick to say ‘Yas’m, Boss.”
“‘Back in the golden olden days, when Cotton was truly King, the grateful slave was so bursting full of love for his master that he would sing his charming little spirituals and blues to please him as he fetched him his food and mixed him a mint julep with the mint crushed just right and muddled with cane syrup just so. Why any negro would wish to leave that little patch of heaven and live in the cold and hostile north, full of surly Yankees and querulous bohunks, is surely beyond me.
“‘You know, way down south, way below the Mason-Dixon line, the colored fellows have it pretty rough. Why, one time they whipped a man simply because he went to the general store and asked for a box of Quaker Oats. “That there is a white man on the box. So that’s MISTER Quaker Oats to you,” says the storekeeper. Still, the Southland isn’t all bad. In fact, it is a veritable paradise, where white is supreme. Where the kids grow tall and worries are small. Where the people are as hospitable as all get-out, and a man can laze about and live on the fat of the land You see, up north, they put the colored folks in cages, and they call them ghettos. Down South, everything is easy-peasy. If the negro is a good boy, he will be well looked after, and will always have a prominent white man to see after his interests. That’s the way it used to be, and that’s the way it should be, and I know for a natural fact that all the good negroes will agree with me. For that’s the way God intended it to be. It says so in the Bible. There isn’t a man in America that has more regard for the Negro in his place than I have. But I am no hypocrite. I do not cater to him as a social or a personal equal. And I think that this is what the negro prefers. I tell you, it makes my blood boil to see those people who are in favor of intermarriage and the concomitant mongrelization of the races.
“And then,” said Victor Justin, ‘he would go on some whacky tirade about ‘instauration,’ and the need to send the ‘inferior races’ right back where they came from. ‘Actually, I don’t mind the colored folk,’ he would say. ‘Actually, confidentially–it’s the Italians who I can’t stand the sight of. They are a sneaky and devious race. A bunch of Mackerel-snapping, pasta-twirling, querulously gesticulating slobs. What with their always smelling of garlic, and their greasy complections, and their thick black mustaches, and their always chasing after fair-skinned women, and whatnot. You always see them haunting barber shops. What do they DO all day? Remember them Sicilians as got lynched down in the Big Easy? It was actually a rather good thing. It served them right, is what I say. Sicilians, in particular are lower than rats. Lower than the filth in the streets. They are all descended from banditti, and killers, and Mamalukes.They are treacherous and cowardly. They are filthy, lawless, and duplicitous, and I make it a habit to never play cards with them, because if you win and they lose they will stab you in the back soon as look at you. I am reliably informed that this is because they are part Greek, and part Mountain Goat, and part God Knows What.’
“It’s just a lucky thing for old Jake Leaming,” said Count Victor Justin, “that there weren’t any minorities in the room when he said all that. Because they ARE known to be hotheaded. And I should know,” he said with a smirk. “My grandmother married one.”
Le Chien El Perro
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
MEDIOCRE HORROR FILMS
The Cosby Killers
The Noble Pitbull
The Shithouse Mouse
Onan the Vulgarian
President Killer Diller
Big Chief Hug-Em-And-Kiss-Em
Big Chief No Wipe ‘Em of the Nasty-Ass Tribe
A Chicken Heart As Big As the World
The Book Group From Hell
The Legend of Stabbity McStab Stab Stab
The Thing That Just Stands There And Refuses To Go Away
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
860. THE TRUMP GOODNESS JUST KEEPS RIGHT ON COMING
Though, to be fair, nearly all the viable Republican candidates this year have been Bizarros, who have swiftly perished when exposed to the Blue Kryptonite of hard cold logic.
HISTORIANS ATTACK TRUMP ON FACEBOOK
TRUMP: WHY NOT USE NUKES?
MACY’S DROPS TRUMP
MY GOD: TRUMP KNOWS MORE ABOUT FOREIGN POLICY THAN OBAMA
THIS JUST IN: TRUMP KICKS BABY OUT; CROWD ROARS
WHAT IF TRUMP DROPS OUT?
WHO COULD REPLACE TRUMP?
There’s no keeping up with it.
Why were we blessed to be so lucky? And condemned to live in such interesting times?
AUGUST 3, 2016 FORECAST
The election of 2016 will go down as the wildest yet.
And I currently predict a Hillary blowout along the lines of 55 or better for her and 45 for the other candidates, with 300+ electoral votes for her.
Hard to be precise, because of the Libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, and others, who may get as much as 5% of the vote.
NEWT EXPLAINS WHY WE MUST VOTE FOR TRUMP
DEPROGRAMMING THE TRUMP SUPPORTER
TRUMP CORRECTS COURSE
In a Washington Post interview, Trump declined to endorse House Speaker Paul Ryan against his primary challenger
He reiterated that he hasn’t endorsed Sen. John McCain and said the onetime prisoner of war “has not done a good job for the vets”
He slapped out at Republican Sen. Kelly Ayotte, saying “she has given me zero support”
He suggested that Americans should pull their 401(k) funds out of the stock market
He said he’s “always wanted” to receive a Purple Heart but that having one gifted to him by a supporter was “much easier”
He said that the handling of sexual harassment has “got to be up to the individual”
He accused Khizr Khan of being “bothered” by his plan to keep terrorists out of the country, and said that he had no regrets about his clash with the family
He appeared to feud with a crying baby during a rally
He reiterated that “if the election is rigged, I would not be surprised”
The sitting president of the United States publicly called Trump “unfit to serve” and urged Republicans to withdraw their support for him.
Trump spokesman Katrina Pierson suggested that Obama and Clinton are to blame for the death of Humayan Khan, who died in 2004, when neither were in the executive branch at the time
An ally of Paul Manafort told our colleague John Harwood at CNBC that the campaign chairman is “mailing it in,” leaving the rest of the staff “suicidal.”
Sitting GOP congressman Richard Hanna, HP head Meg Whitman and former Christie aide Maria Comella all said they plan to vote for Hillary Clinton
The Washington Post released a transcript of its full interview with Trump, indicating among other things that he paused five times to watch TV coverage in the middle of the sit-down
A GOP source told NBC’s Katy Tur that Reince Priebus is “apoplectic” over Trump’s refusal to endorse Ryan and is making calls to the campaign to express his “extreme displeasure”