THE INFORMATION #899 JULY 29, 2016

THE INFORMATION #899

JULY 29, 2016
Copyright 2016 FRANCIS DIMENNO
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Schoolboys are a merciless race, individually they are angels, but together, especially in schools, they are often merciless.– Fyodor Dostoyevsky,

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE

BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART EIGHTY-ONE: KINGDOM COME
“Smash Conklin was a Gee who hated midget-men as much as I do. And, while we’re on the topic of Old Uglyface,” said Count Victor Justin, “Jake Leaming was something of a little buddy of his. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, because at first the two of them would seem to be somewhat inimical. There’s old Jake, the master con man, with a line of patter so slick it would make an iron-fisted Scotsman gladly unhand his Pretty Polly or would even make a shabby Jew part with his ooftish, albeit with the greatest reluctance.  And then there was Smash Conklin the strong boy–drunken, dissolute, and seemingly fallen on hard times. A more unlikely pair you would be hard-pressed to imagine. But Smash Conklin stroked and petted and fawned upon the affable grifter like a pampered pet cat. They’d go out drinkin’ together, and like as not the big galoot would be listening with his stupid mouth wide open while Leaming expounded at length about some horseshit theory or another. Leaming was the worst possible influence on the already dissolute Conklin, and would urge him to ever-greater excesses of crapulence and depravity. It was he who introduced Conklin to the dubious joys of ether. What a mess of crabs! Conklin insufflated and even drank some of the awful stuff and, as a result, he reeked of it for days on end and he stumbled around, stupider for ever, for well-nigh onto three weeks, gasping with his big mouth wide open like a beached fish.  And then Leaming had the bright idea of giving Conklin some laughing gas, and the big Thug took to it like mother’s milk until he took too hearty a whiff and fell down and chipped a tooth and also gashed his forehead on an end table, making his pug-ugly face even more unprepossessing than before. 
“Watching Leaming and Conklin in concert was rather like watching the temptation of Christ in the desert as performed by the very Devil. That is to say, if the devil were a suave and dapper looking individual, spotlessly attired, and sporting a gay foulard, and if Our Lord and Savior were a simple stupid farm boy seduced by the lures and snares of the big city into becoming a shambolic dipsomaniac. 
“A typical session between them would begin with Leaming blabbing at interminable length about some topic about which he likely knew very little, and Conklin staring at him with open-mouthed and gap-toothed admiration, saying ‘Duhh…gee, you’re so schmart. Duhh, you know lots of things!’ This is verbatim. I swear to you I’m not making this up. It was like watching a Mexican Hairless beguile a bulldog into some sort of fascinated circling about, as dogs so often do when they encounter one another on the street and sniff each other’s asses. Presumably this is how they wish each other a pleasant day. Leaming, for his part, never failed to flatter the big Bohunk, telling him how handsome he was and casually mentioning how much he admired a big strong man. Their nauseating colloquy usually went something like this:
‘Gee, Champ, you sure are strong! What’s it  like, being you? How does it feel?’
‘Duhh, it feels swell, little buddy–it feels swell.’
“It seems as if Leaming was able to lull Conklin into a false sense of complacency. For what purpose, the devil himself only knows.
“I don’t use the term ‘Devil’ lightly. In most respects, I am a rational man, and not prey to the superstitions which afflict the grifter class. But I see no value in indulging in sour oaths and vain blasphemies, and I have a healthy respect for the name of the Devil in his many guises, and do not wish to bring down any of this evil works upon my head by using His name in vain. On one occasion, guided by a dream I had, I even had the wisdom to go to a nearby park and sacrifice a pigeon by throwing it into a bonfire, so that Baphometh–but, never mind. I’ve already said too much. 
“I always wonder if there was something else going on between those two. Something a bit minty. Of course, it was well know that the mares in the stable weren’t safe around Conklin, and that some of the whores in Blowtown went to the Gypsy fortune teller and had her put a hex on old Uglyface so he wouldn’t set foot in their bordello, owing to certain vile practices of his which perhaps are left better unexpressed. Enchantments of Circe! But I will say no more.  
“Anyway, Leaming and Conklin would venture into Leaming’s usual haunts. My impression is that Leaming would use to big stupid lug as a kind of bodyguard while sounding out the depraved individuals who congregated in such places–by which I mean bar-rooms, hop dens, hobo jungles, waterfront dives, and the like. F’r instance, I’ve seen Leaming trawl the docks, looking for a bent sailor or longshoreman, or some wharf rat hungry for a jolt of hop, or even some fisherman down on his luck who desperately needs to make a payment on his boat. Conklin would tag along with him, mostly, I suppose, for protection–seeing as how there were some pretty rough characters thereabouts, and, although Leaming warn’t exactly no shrinking violet, nor was he a booze fighter. Conklin was known to be pretty handy with a pool cue or a bung starter, and that’s a solid fact. But one solid look at his fists, as fat as baby hams, would be enough to deter most potential troublemakers. Unless, of course, they were so messed up on popskull hooch that they were hog-wild. But Conklin would soon put paid to those babies. It is said that he could kill a loocher with one well-aimed blow. But never mind that. 
“Like I said repeatedly, Conklin was stupid. Maybe even the world’s stupidest man. And, yet, there he was, tanglefooting around with a wised-up grifter. A truly intelligent man. Maybe Leaming was actually the world’s smartest man, and I’m just too plain brickheaded to acknowledge it. But I doubt it. 
“Anyway, what I do know for sure is that the two of them ‘got around’, as the saying goes, and were therefore well known in Blowtown and Noxtown and environs. Particularly amongst the corrupt medicos, swishy Beau Brummels, concupiscent gobs, blackguard Marines, and lubricious civilians. Not to mention among the man-hungry clerics, debauched drummers, oversexed desperadoes, famished office clerks, sex-starved Customs officials, and degenerate wolves who prowled the Hobo jungles. They were well known, too, among all the local sporting gentry–speculators, peculators, crapshooters and horse-gamblers–yea, verily, Leaming and his henchman Uglyface were quite famous… though, naturally, all decent-minded men gave him and Uglyface a wide berth–a very wide berth indeed.”
3*HUMOR
 
4*NOVELTY

MANSPREADING

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
NUTRITION BS AT THE RNC

 

6* DAILY UTILITY
SIX BASIC PLOTS
ALSO SEE:
THE THIRTY-SIX DRAMATIC SITUATIONS
7*CARTOON
WHO IS THE REAL WONDER WOMAN?
8*PRESCRIPTION
MONKEYS ACTING AS HUMAN IN ART
 
9*RUMOR PATROL
Stephen Greenblatt’s The Swerve racked up prizes — and completely misled you about the Middle Ages
10* LAGNIAPPE
THE BEACH BOYS
CELEBRATE THE NEWS
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
 
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.

858. MIND KONTROL TOP 75

SHANTY TRAMP, “Ass In Pocket”

FIVE CENT TZAR, “The Very Special Episode”

HIERONYMOUS POP, “Drunken Ira Hayes” (Dance Remix)

LADY OF PAIN, “J’Adore”

JEHOVAH VACUUM CLEANER, “Dance Floor Shiny Under Junkies”

FASHION GORILLAZ, “It Makes Me Want to Kill Myself”

SEED RAIN AND THE BAT SHIT FIVE, “Rubbing One Out to April “

REVEREND DEVILLE, “Stinkfinga”

SPLENDOURS AND MISERIES OF THE PROSTITUTE, “In the Cave I Met a Hairier Version of Myself”

PRESIDENT CORNBALL & HIS ADMINISTRATION, “Conspiracy Dogs”

UNITED STATES HEROES, “Tough Guys (With Something to Hide)”

TINY SINESTRO, “Squeaky-Clean Suckers With Deep Pockets”

MR. BLOWJANGLES, “Sign of the Breast”

LYSERGIC REFLUX, “Cape Does Not Enable User to Fly”

KLARK KRYPTONITE AND THE KETAMINE FIVE,”The New Breed of Scumbag Who Cannot Fight Without a Weapon”

PITBULL DEFENDERS, “We Make ‘Em Die “

SMASH UGLY, “Midget Down”

JOEY HEROIN, “Mr. Heroin Nerves”

FIRM BUT FAIR, “Satan’s Cheerleader”

ROBOT SPYMASTER, “Normal Sadness”

THE SQUEEGEE MEN, “Fill Your Den With Liquor Using Food Stamps”

PEOPLE FROM TV, “Last of the Dancing Gypsy Bears”

THIS MAJESTIKAL ROOF, “With An LSD Girlfriend”

BLIND BEHEMOTH, “Ha Ha You Are a Slave”

HE WHO IS GOD HAS SAID IT, “Panic Inducing Marijuana”

THE ANTI-ROCK EQUATION, “Pass the Mighty Waterfall”

STABBITY MC STAB STAB STAB, “A Cat Named Frankenstein”

GOLD TOOTH FATTY, “Busy With Those Reefers”

THE BLOOD SURFERS, “Mr. Atomic Fireball”

TOOTHBREAKER, “Let Me Look Through Your Purse”

TURN ME ON DEAD MAN, “And They Are Mild”

FOOT OF ENGORGED BRAWN, “I Trust Diet Smith’s Robot”

THE CARNY ELITE, “Daddy’s Scratchy Face”

SOME DICKHEAD ACADEMIC, “The Lineaments of Gratified Desire”

SINISTER CHIPMUNKS, “Ten Times Bigger Than the Biggest Rat”

BOLSHEVIK EXPROPRIATORS CLUB, “Tender Effusions of Laxative Woodcocks”

THE TUFF-GUY HARDCORE SENSATIONS, “Thor’s Ever-Loving Hammer”

THE INTERESTING LESBIANS, “Big Chief Hug ‘Em and Kiss ‘Em”

183 DIFFERENT BOZOS, “The Freeway Is Our Ashtray”

CELEBRITY KILLERS, “Our Religion Is Love”

THE HEAD DRIFTS TOWARD THE BOTTOM, “Baby Made a Boom-Boom”

THE THIRSTY GIANTS, “(Theme From) Godsmell”

BULLETPROOF WITCH, “Acid Dog”

DAGGER STAB LEGEND, “Zip-a-Dee-Dada”

THE ALCOHOLIC BEARS, “Let Unconquerable Gladness Dwell”

THE TEMPLE EXPLODES THE CHICKEN CUBE, “Liquor Store In Nox Town”

CARLOS MARCELLO AND THE LIVARSI NA PETRA DI LA SCARPA ORCHESTRA, “(And) The Hits (Keep Right on Coming)”

WHISTLING FACE SYNDROME, “A Rage to Die”

SCREAMING MONKEY HEAD, “Pimp and Circumstance”

HELLO BECOME LOVE GIANT!, “Just Let Me Put the Tip In”

DSM-IV, “The Colour of God”

PSYCHO KITTY AND THE POWER BIGOTS, “I Heart the South”

I GOT A HARD, “Tubular Smells”

FAITHFUL AND DISCREET SLAVE CLASS, “Alpha 66 Is Go”

CIGAR SMOKING ZOMBIES, “We Who Are Not We… And Yet “

UNCLE BENZEDRINE’S ALERTED RICE, “The Sugar Cube Ride”

THE FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTHS—“The Reason”

TRIPPY DINOSAUR–“The Fairy and the Zephyr”

THE SUNSHINE HIPSTERS—“Fun is Fun”

THE WHITE BEARDS—“Mr. Captain”

GENTLE BEN–“I Love Unicorns”

THE MARTYRS–“Life is Gray”

THE 8-TEENS–“It’s All About Me”

THE SATANIC ROCKETS–“Napalm Conspiracy”

THE SPRINGTIMES–“Ride the Chopper”

THE SONIC BOOM—“Ready to Rock”

THE WAY COOL—“One Two”

THE FAMILY GARAGE–“Um…”

THE PRETEND–“Money for Rope”

MOLDY FIG & THE JAZZ REVIVAL –“Desusifunido”

SAURON’S FLAMING EYE–“When the Caissons Go Rolling Along”

HAPPY HIPPY AND HIS HOEDOWN HUMPERS–“Far Far Out”

THE BLACK BEARDS—“Making Cowboy Love”

DAD & THE SURFERS–“I Live in The Doghouse”

PERPETUAL RAIN–“Funny Ha Ha Ha”

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