THE INFORMATION #896
The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it. –George WashingtonWHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART SEVENTY-EIGHT: KINGDOM COME
Count Victor Justin stood at the unpolished mahogany bar of the Seven Stars Saloon and, having raised a toast to all the saints and sinners, mostly sinners, who were standing there, he said, in a voice which brooked no contradiction, “As far as I’m concerned, any man who doesn’t know how to cuss isn’t worth a damn. He was likely raised by a family of ministers, in a household where nothing stronger than scandal-water was consumed. He probably raises his own boys to be sissies in a similar fashion, and they are ostracized by their peers because they don’t know how to swear. Many a black eye and bruised noggin is the consequence, I’ll wager. Plus a stunted social life and a ‘fraidy-cat existence. A father owes it to his son to teach him to swear, if only by example. Otherwise, you risk raising your son to be an effete dandy.
“Such a lad grows up to be a man, all right, but he’s hardly a man at all. When adversity strikes, he doesn’t make the air blue with profanity; no, he likely blubbers ‘O woe is me’ and similar such watered down palaver. He’s likely a tearful milksop; a mere hobbledehoy; a weak sister prone to crying jags, a fimble-fambling sap devoid of dash-fire. Chief of the dudes; a yob with the inside meemies; a neurasthenic nitwit; an effeminate yellof who is always all-overish. Queen of the mollycoddles; a gentleman of the four outs, a walking talking example of gullyfluff; a man only fit to work at the zoo, teaching blind monkeys where to shit. The kind of chumpy man-child proves largely incapable of engaging in the hubbub and the hurly-burly and the everyday razzle; this kind of feebleminded jackanapes is one who can’t take a joke; who doesn’t react kindly to a gentle ribbing; who would probably faint dead away at the prospect of a fizzing whiskey drink. He is very likely to grow up to be a sham and a humbug; a cad deserving only of the cut infernal or the cut sublime. Someone apt to be bullied by a measly shrimp. I say this not because I think that the art of flinging vile curses is a good thing; it is not a good thing, no. But O, oftentimes it is a necessary thing. Such a necessary thing! As the Good Book says: ‘So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.’
“I say, if you’re going to curse at all, put your back into it! None of these feeble ‘I’m a delicate flower and I’m about to faint’ sorts of interjectives like ‘Gee Whiz’ or ‘Gosh darn’. What we need more of in the cursing business is some thundering ejaculations! If you’re going to befoul the air with your cussing, and bend time and space by rattling off a few choice oaths, then do it up brown! Go about the business in the correct and proper way! Do it right–or don’t do it at all!
“I’ll tell you what gives me a pain right where I live–it is simply this. The sky pilots and other such tommyrot merchants who say that such talk is against God, and will make Him angry–which begs the question–just what kind of sissified old codger do these Bible-pounders imagine the good Lord to be? I would say this to the Gospel Birds: Go ahead, Brother, and let one rip! Just because you’re a priest doesn’t make you any less of a man! Go ahead, Parson Weems, and tell us what you really think about the Lordy, in red-blooded language that would gladden the heart of any He-Man! How are you going to reach the people whose immortal souls are in danger unless you deign to walk in their shoes, and talk their kind of talk?
“Here’s another thing that never fails to irk me: The sunday-schoolteachers and other such pap-peddlers who say that a resort to cursing is the last recourse of an uneducated man. Bullshit! It’s the first, last, and sole recourse of all of the most manly of men! Soldiers, sailors and hod-carriers don’t confine their remarks to the doings of frails, and the pukey burps of sick babies! Nix! They don’t keep their strong feelings to themselves, where they fester in the belly and give a man dyspepsia! Nix! Nix! Their talk is full of the colorful expletives that make the English language the greatest one that is now spoken and that has ever been conceived of! Show me the man who says ‘I have never said a swear word in my life,’ and I’ll show you a newly-hatched booby, wet behind the ears, whose spunk is so watery it’s a wonder he can breed! Swearing is the sign of a strong and forceful personality; a mind that grapples with the world as it is and not how it would like it to be; a mind which harbors a magnificent, terrific vocabulary devoted to maleficence. I have had occasion to hobnob with learned men; University Professors and the like. Every one of them whom I’ve ever talked to could swear a blue streak, when the occasion demanded. Oh, and they could put so much ‘English’ on all the familiar combinations that it would make your head spin. And I’ll tell you another thing about those doubledomes–amongst themselves, they all drink like fishes. Drinking and cussing, of course, go hand in hand–like bacon and eggs, or a horse and carriage.
“Any yellof who maintains that he doesn’t swear is probably a sneaking hypocrite; a stammering tomfool; a lisping goody-two-shoes who thinks he’s better than everybody else, and a childish secret morphodite to book. Who are these people, who don’t swear? They come from the YMCA and the Chautauqua lectures; the Temperance hotels and the Salvation Army Marching Bands; the tin-horn boys’ boarding schools and the bread-and-water seminaries; the parsonages and the priories. These people ought to take a lesson from the rough-and-tumble people they supposedly live to serve and fling some curses and vile language about–just on general principle!
“When it comes to the game of keeping secrets, it’s always the namby-pamby sorts who skirt around the issue who really have something to hide. I have found that the surest way to develop a reputation for being a being a surreptitious degenerate is to wear a mask of self-righteous rectitude. How many instances have we seen of the lustful parson; the unchaste nun; the ‘regular fellow’ who turns out to be a turncoat or a canary? Too many to count, I’ll warrant. So it is with the man who won’t swear.
“Now, I can forgive a man who doesn’t know how to swear. That’s not deviancy; that’s simple ignorance. In ten cases out of ten, all he has to do is hang out at some low dive like this one for an afternoon or two, and soon enough he’ll master the art of turning the air purple with filthy invectives. But the man who won’t swear–no matter what–hmf! There is no hope for him. If he fails to mend his ways and educate himself, he will remain a child forever.”
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
6* DAILY UTILITY
WILMA LEE & STONEY COOPER
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
Strap Your Hands ‘Cross My EnigmasIn my vision I dance leather jacket and hairy Harley,
You can call me Boss but don’t call me Mr. Charley,
I walked Strut Street, Gasoline City mama, Prince Cool,
If you get in my way you’re a diesel fool.
Gambler’s the Devil and sweet Street Jesus is the heat,
It’s so hard to get by when you walk on four feet.
Darling keep your faith in this tragic magic night of pain
You may be a beauty but you ain’t got no brain.
There’s Redemption in these here stamps of green,
Prettiest free prizes you ever seen.
So let me do all the thinkin’
Me…and that hot rod Lincoln.
Well, heaven is a promise and hell is for fools,
I cover you with kisses like a hound dog drools,
Little Richard sings Boney Maroney,
We snack on yesterday’s bargain fried baloney.
The future is a ghost whose bones have been broken
I said I didn’t love yuh but I musta mis-spoken.
My Dad used to sit and watch Barney Rubble
While Maw sat in the bathtub havin’ fun with Mr. Bubble
Well, the bubbles have long since died but the scent lingers on,
I’m leavin this town and I left and now I’m gone
Back to the sea, back to my used to be,
I’m tired of fightin’ like it’s World War Three.
Declare the war man, and make it be over
And I’ll hop right back in my Chevy Nova.
Clippin’ coupons and snackin’ on dollar ham
I’m tellin’ ya baby, Treet is way better’n Spam.
Smells like somethin’ died, no that’s just a fart,
Tell me baby—do you bleed for your art?
Poor boy and in my vision I’m all alone again,
I’ll be a big star, baby, but I don’t know when.
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 1. SLOTT. ***1/2
THE ASTONISHING ANT-MAN: EVERYONE LOVES TEAM-UPS. ***1/2
BATMAN: HARLEY & IVY: THE DELUXE EDITION. DINI. ***1/2
BATMAN & ROBIN ETERNAL. 1. ***1/2
BATTLEWORLD: ULTIMATE END. ***1/2
THE BEAUTY. HAUN. ***1/2
BROWSING THROUGH THE LOUVRE. PRUDHOMME. ****
CAPE HORN. PERRISSIN & RIBOLDI. ****
CIVIL WAR. MILLAR. ***1/2
CIVIL WAR: CAPTAIN AMERICA/IRON MAN. ****
CIVIL WAR: YOUNG AVENGERS & RUNAWAYS. ***
THE COMEDIANS. NESTEROFF. ****
DAREDEVIL: BACK IN BLACK 1: CHINATOWN. ***1/2
DEADPOOL: WORLD’S GREATEST 1. MILLIONAIRE WITH A MOUTH. ***1/2
DESCENDER 2. MACHINE MOON. LEMIRE. ***1/2
THE DEVIL’S CHESSBOARD. TALBOT. ****
THE ELIZABETHAN UNDERWORLD. SALGADO. ****
ESSEX COUNTY. LEMIRE. ****
EXTRAORDINARY X-MEN 1. X-HAVEN. ***1/2
FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE DEPARTURE OF MISS FINCH. GAIMAN. ****
GETTYSBURG: THE GRAPHIC HISTORY. VANSANT. ****
GRANT VS. LEE: THE GRAPHIC HISTORY. VANSANT. ****
GREEN ARROW 5. BLACK ARROW. GRELL. ***1/2
HAVANA NOCTURNE. ENGLISH. ****
HOW GOD BECAME GOD. SMOLEY. ****1/2
I HATE FAIRYLAND 1. MADLY EVER AFTER. YOUNG. ***1/2
KITARO. MIZUKI. ***1/2
MARY WEPT OVER THE FEET OF JESUS. BROWN. ****1/2
NONNONBA. MIZUKI. ****1/2
PAPER GIRLS. VAUGHN. ***1/2
REBELS 1. A WELL-REGULATED MILITIA. WOOD. ***1/2
SECRETIMES. JONES. ***1/2
SOMETHING NEW. KNISLEY. ****
SPIDER-GWEN 1. GREATER POWER. **1/2
SUPERNATURAL. SMOLEY. ****
SWEET TOOTH 2. IN CAPTIVITY. LEMIRE. ****
SWEET TOOTH 5. WILD GAME. LEMIRE.
TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT. STOIAN. ****
THREADBARE. MOORE. ***
THE UKRANIAN & RUSSIAN NOTEBOOKS. IGORT. ****1/2
THE UNDERWATER WELDER. LEMIRE. ***1/2
THE WHITE DONKEY: TERMINAL LANCE. URIARTE. ****
WONDER WOMAN: EARTH ONE. MORRISON. ***1/2
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
855. MADE FOR TV: SO AFRAID OF THE RUSSIANS