MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 213 JULY 2016

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE

NUMBER 213
JULY 2016
Copyright 2016 Francis DiMenno
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

The American Credo

A Calendar

INTRODUCTORY

These commonplace beliefs of Americans can be found explicated in any number of random and diverse sources: In the comic strips, on the evening news, in the editorial pages of newspapers, in the articles published in popular magazine, in the cartoons of the late Dave Berg, among the man and women of our great land as they gather to drink in taverns, while watching their children cavort in playgrounds, while standing around on the street, or while taking their ease in their own back yards. Talk shows are rife with them, as are, more recently the comments posted in such online venues as Craigslist and Facebook. One can hardly go a single day without seeing one or more examples of these curious and widely-held beliefs. Some of these strenuous illogicalities may contain some small grain of truth, but a great many more are the comforting pabulum consumed unquestioningly and without critical comment by minds conditioned to accept intellectual baby food. This is by no means an encyclopedic or exhaustive list, but merely a sampling.

The American Credo

“It’s better not to know so many things than to know so many things that just ain’t so.” –Artemus Ward

JANUARY

  1. That an ice cream truck driver is a jolly fellow who takes the job

because he loves children and often hands out gratis treats to the

kiddies which he soft-heartedly pays for out of his own pocket.

  1. That foreigners hate Americans out of mere spite and jealousy of our intrinsic greatness.
  2. That a person who has suffered a stroke is as good as dead and will never again speak a coherent sentence.
  3. That a dog understands you when you scream at him to stop barking.
  4. That service workers should be glad they even have a job and should therefore beamingly greet and fawn over all customers, even the most problematic.
  5. That all troublemakers should be shot, because that will teach them.
  6. That when a dog licks your face it is a sign of the animal’s great

affection for you and not merely a craving for salt.

  1. That wars create jobs.
  2. That pollution is the smell of money.
  3. That all lawyers are crooks.
  4. That what this country really needs is a strongman at the helm.
  5. That all pit bulls are a menace, and only low-lifes own and breed them.
  6. That television programming, Hollywood spectaculars, and

advertising are great art forms.

  1. That because of the internet, libraries are now obsolete.
  2. That most intelligent people with just a little bit of training

could perform virtually any high-level executive job.

  1. That owning a restaurant or, better, a bar, is a good investment.
  2. That most of our homeless population could find work if they only wanted to.
  3. That all waitstaff and bartenders make so much money–that they never report to the IRS–that they might not really mind if you fail to tip them.
  4. That if only one can hit a lucky number in the lottery, one could

be set for life.

  1. That there is such a thing as a lucky number which, if played

diligently, will someday hit the jackpot.

  1. That people who wear green eyeshades are always up to no good,
  2. That car salesmen mostly stand around all day, gabbing among themselves and drinking coffee, waiting for some gullible sucker to come strolling through the door.
  3. That a married man is shackled to a ball and chain and never gets to do what he wants to, and wifey always manages to get her way, usually through the use of tears.
  4. That people who “know too much” are always unhappy.
  5. That it is possible for any person to “know too much”.
  6. That too much book-learnin’ ruins your shootin’ eye.
  7. That any man who picks up a gun immediately becomes an expert pistolero,

and can fend off an armed mob.

  1. That vigilantes would do a lot of good for their community, for

they could do the sort of things that policemen do not dare to do,

owing to soft-hearted judges.

  1. That too many prisoners are coddled.
  2. That educating prisoners is a waste of tax dollars.
  3. That few innocent men are executed; surely they were all guilty of something.

FEBRUARY

  1. That every female murderess needs only to bat her eyes at the

juriors to get off scot-free.

  1. That no wealthy man has ever been sentenced to a long prison term, for high-priced lawyers can talk jurors into believing doing anything.
  2. That beating a dog will teach the animal who is boss.
  3. That if the President ever needed a pal who would give him candid advice, we ourselves would fit that bill quite nicely, than you very much.
  4. That the law which states that “every action has an opposite and

equal reaction” is one which is applicable to all situations.

  1. That the chocolate in chocolate ice cream is largely made from

sweepings from the floor of the local chocolate factory.

  1. That torture is justified in a case where millions of lives may

allegedly be at stake, though no such instance of any such occurrence can readily be cited.

  1. That depressed people are merely “feeling sorry for themselves” and a bracing six month hike on the Appalachian Trail would very soon put them right.
  2. That any person who hugs a dog or cat has a good heart.
  3. That children are a lot like expensive pets.
  4. That every man who rubs the head of a small boy is a potential

child molester.

  1. That elderly people are mostly incapable of criminal behavior or even shady practices, because their innate wisdom has persuaded them of the folly of such behavior.
  2. That all African Americans will steal if given a chance.
  3. That rap stars are not nearly as talented as other pop musicians.
  4. That rap performers largely appeal solely to defiant suburban adolescents.
  5. That no woman truly “gets” sports.
  6. That all rich people play golf, and all people who play golf are well-to-do.
  7. That tennis is an aristocratic game.
  8. That one beer never hurt anyone.
  9. That marijuana is harmless and non-addictive and actually downright benign.
  10. That among Easterners and Californians there exists a

condescending belief that there is not one intelligent individual west of the Hudson River or east of Riverside, California.

  1. That mob neighborhoods are always the safest, because “the boys” refuse to tolerate any nonsense on their turf.
  2. That anyone can be tipped or bribed into overlooking nearly any transgression, for every man has his price.
  3. That many beggars actually have so much money that when day is done they return to a posh bungalow with a swell car parked in front of it.
  4. That all welfare mothers are milking the system.
  5. That caring for the poor is an enormous drain on the treasury.
  6. That foreign aid is our hard-earned dollars, that should

be used at home, being shoveled down a rathole by pusillanimous

bleeding-hearts and conniving socialists.

  1. That a luxury mansion is a far better use of shore-front property than a Plover sanctuary.

MARCH

  1. That diet soda helps one lose weight.
  2. That people who don’t speak English aren’t very intelligent.
  3. That English is very easy to learn.
  4. That if you shout at a foreigner, he will be forced to understand you.
  5. That humanitarians are invariably stingy tippers.
  6. That the American South is a paradise of ever-balmy weather and unlimited jobs.
  7. That the country would be better off if all illegal immigrants were

sent packing back to their own squalid countries or origin, because

then there would be jobs for all with good pay.

  1. That a dog will never bite a man whose heart is pure, for the dog instinctively knows who his friends are.
  2. That all men in New England and New York are smarter than the average American.
  3. That the History Channel is educational.
  4. That the BBC news service is utterly unbiased and, hence, the

world’s best news source.

  1. That a man can learn a great deal from a daily perusal of the New York Times.
  2. That the New Yorker is the gold standard of short fiction.
  3. That we would all be wealthy today if only our mothers hadn’t

thrown away our collections of comic books and baseball cards.

  1. That one should always carefully examine one’s change, on the off-chance that a valuable rare coin is there.
  2. That any old book is probably quite valuable.
  3. That all weathermen do their own research rather than consult the NOAA.
  4. That postal workers are always dangerously disgruntled.
  5. That all veterans are potential ticking time bombs.
  6. That if Jesus were alive today, he would speak English, drive an SUV, attend Nascar races, and advertise his message on television or the internet.
  7. That the internet is a potential gold mine for any shrewd operator who is “good with computers”.
  8. That all children know far more about computers than any mere adult; that the Pentagon routinely employs savvy fifteen year olds to help keep their websites secure from hackers.
  9. That the smell of the ocean gives a man who is unaccustomed to it a new lease on life.
  10. That people who live by the ocean are far more sedate than the poor suckers who dwell further inland.
  11. That hound dogs are lazy and, given their druthers, would happily sleep 23 1/2 hours a day.
  12. That a hog is constantly eating without so much as stopping to

take a breath.

  1. That there is something intrinsically humorous about individuals who are compelled to purchase clothing at a Fat Man’s Shoppe.
  2. That all foreign women brought to these shores for the purpose of matrimony are so grateful for the chance of a warm bed and a hot meal that they will make a man a splendid, docile wife.
  3. That washing dishes is woman’s work and that a real he-man is doing his partner a great favor when he deigns to so much as help her dry them.
  4. That millions die yearly of food poisoning for lack of a dishwasher.
  5. That a fancy designer range fit for a chef is well worth the money when purchased by the average homeowner.

APRIL

  1. That cartoons used to be so much better than they are today.
  2. That nearly anybody can write a children’s book.
  3. That liquor manufacturers want their customers to drink responsibly.
  4. That ads on television must be true, otherwise “they” wouldn’t let them air.
  5. That heavily advertised products are better because more people buy them.
  6. That children are invariably forever traumatized when they first learn “the facts of life”.
  7. That women are never satisfied.
  8. That the only thing men think about is sex.
  9. That people who work for circuses are very happy.
  10. That all the great writers were crazy geniuses.
  11. That any poet laureate is perforce a great poet.
  12. That toll booth operators have a cushy job.
  13. That a knowledge of computers will make you rich.
  14. That a disgruntled employee is a lazy slacker who doesn’t know how good he has it.
  15. That most Americans blow their tax returns on big-ticket luxury items.
  16. That when it comes right down to it, wives are more logical and

ruthless than their husbands, whom they pityingly regard as sad sacks.

  1. That a man who marries a wealthy woman works harder than any man who marries a poor one.
  2. That there is any such thing as “fun for the whole family”.
  3. That hot young wives don’t care if hubby grows fat, as this

will ensure that he remains faithful to her.

  1. That no woman ever truly enjoys an action movie, nor any man a three-hankie tearjerker.
  2. That no person who is not a regular churchgoer can really be

trusted; that any man who speaks against the church is an unmitigated blackguard.

  1. That tattooes mean that one had a “wild side”.
  2. That Masons exchange a secret sign that enables them to commit all crimes with impunity.
  3. That all American President were Masons, except Kennedy. And Kissinger.
  4. That a young man who is without strong direction will always be straightened out by a stint in the armed services.
  5. That a woman, once safely married, will invariably “let herself

go,” particularly after the birth of her first child.

  1. That no man is ever truly comfortable when compelled to tend the needs of infants and small children.
  2. That open mikes are invariably incubators of great future talents.
  3. That every lad of 15 is just itching to get drunk and plough the

family sedan smack into the nearest oak tree.

  1. That the Panama Canal was “ours” and that, therefore, we should never have given it up.

MAY

  1. That, prior to the ubiquity of air conditioning every year untold

millions died of heat exhaustion.

  1. That a Doctor’s time is far more valuable than that of his or her patient.
  2. That mailmen judge you on the basis of your magazine subscriptions.
  3. That the lingering smell of chemicals exuded by room air fresheners is infinitely preferable to the transient aroma they are employed to mask.
  4. That Mexico’s Cinco de Mayo is a good excuse for Americans to get drunk on Tequila.
  5. That most charitable raffles are fixed, with the prize going to

some sharp “insider”.

  1. That many babies born eight months after a marriage are “premature”.
  2. That old folks have lived for so long that they’ve seen it all and

no longer care what people think of them.

  1. That a murderer always returns to the scene of the crime and in

that way is frequently apprehended.

  1. That murder will out.
  2. That Jesus could have spoken flawless English if he had wanted to, and, in fact, he probably did.
  3. That when his master dies, a faithful hound will eventually pine

away, and also perish, usually at his graveside.

  1. That a peevish barber will often give one a deliberately ridiculous haircut.
  2. That most bestselling works of fiction are actually written in

sweatshops by generously remunerated teams of ghostwriters.

  1. That the New York Times Book Review is an irrefutable arbiter of quality in books.
  2. That nothing satisfies thirst like a carbonated beverage.
  3. That lettuce is rabbit food.
  4. That if a boy is overly influenced by his mother, he will become a sissy, because women always spoil their sons.
  5. That most tomboys grow up to be ravishing beauties who marry the incredulous and lucky boy next door.
  6. That when a dowdy looking steno sheds her glasses and lets down her hair, she becomes a wildcat ready to be wooed and taken.
  7. That all stewardesses are loose.
  8. That all nurses are ready, willing, and able to show a man a good time.
  9. That many bartenders seldom drink, because they know too well from observation what the booze can do to a man.
  10. That people who drive buses for a living like nothing better than to ride in buses during their off hours.
  11. That all policemen are keenly observant at all times, even in

their own homes.

  1. That the wronged husband is always the last to know.
  2. That children always complain about having to go off to summer camp but invariably end up loving it.
  3. That any man who exfoliates his skin is a fop, at best, and

probably a homosexual.

  1. That there are very few gays in the military, because fighting men will not tolerate them.
  2. That it takes an extraordinary degree of intelligence to become a fighter pilot.
  3. That all pilots of commercial jets have southern accents.

JUNE

  1. That the Chinese put lead in baby toys to poison our nation’s toddlers.
  2. That a fellow who drives a foreign car is not sufficiently patriotic.
  3. That the wearing of a flag pin in one’s lapel proves that one is a patriot.
  4. That all Italian men wear little crucifixes around their necks.
  5. That Jews should not take offense at a swastika because it is

actually an ancient symbol.

  1. That African Americans should not mind Confederate flags because they are merely a sign of pride in Southern heritage.
  2. That Eisenhower was rather stupid.
  3. That LBJ spent all of his time zooming around his ranch throwing beer cans out the window, showing people his appendectomy scars, and lifting his beagles by their ears.
  4. That Truman was an unmitigated success as President, with the

possible exception of the Korean war.

  1. That JFK wanted to end the Vietnam war and that was why “they” killed him.
  2. That there was no way Oswald, a marine sharpshooter, could have gotten off three shots with a cheap mail-order Italian rifle.
  3. That UFOs are real and the government doesn’t want us to know it for fear of inciting mass panic.
  4. That General Washington was always cool, calm and collected.
  5. That Calvin Coolidge never said more than three words in public.
  6. That Herbert Hoover was responsible for the Great Depression.
  7. That locked away in a vault somewhere is the identity of JFK’s true killer or killers, but the truth will not be revealed in our lifetimes.
  8. That John Wilkes Booth acted alone.
  9. That George Washington chopped down a cherry tree, threw a silver dollar across the Potomac, and stood up in the boat while crossing the Delaware–quite possibly all on the same day.
  10. That Lincoln was possibly gay.
  11. That Jefferson fathered hordes of mulatto progeny.
  12. That Warren G. Harding was a Negro.
  13. That John Adams was a cheerful, witty fellow.
  14. That Indians regarded Andrew Jackson as their great white father.
  15. That nobody ever mentioned during his entire Presidential term that FDR was a cripple confined to a wheelchair.
  16. That FDR knew in advance about Pearl Harbor, but, for reasons of national security, it was hushed up.
  17. That LBJ knew who really killed JFK, but carried the secret to his grave.
  18. That Andrew Johnson was a drunk.
  19. That President Grant was probably drunk every day.
  20. That J. Edgar Hoover was utterly incorruptible, but was quite

possibly light in the loafers.

  1. That most he-man Hollywood actors of the old school were probably closeted gays.

JULY

  1. That northern men are suckers for a woman with a southern accent, who can always wrap them around her finger.
  2. That one can ward off a fever by vigorous exercises that will “sweat it out”.
  3. That New York City is the only place in the world in which works of literary merit can be written.
  4. That fashion designers hate women and their monstrous designs prove it.
  5. That abstract artists are utterly without talent.
  6. That major professional sporting contests such as baseball,

football, and basketball are sacrosanct, and never fixed.

  1. That most female Olympians are actually secretly males.
  2. That a woman who chews gum is very likely a slattern.
  3. That Abu Ghraib was an unfortunate aberration and will never be repeated.
  4. That millions of ungrateful Americans spat on returning Vietnam veterans.
  5. That the CIA is America’s only foreign intelligence agency.
  6. That actors succeed because they are privy to great truths about the human condition that ordinary men can never understand.
  7. That rock and roll is all about the music.
  8. That the presence of signage in Spanish is a portent that the

United States is being overrun by Hispanics.

  1. That the proprietors of ethnic restaurants save the choicest

morsels for their fellow countrymen.

  1. That all fat society matrons own yappy toy dogs whom they dote upon as though they were babies.
  2. That a childless woman or man is an incomplete human being.
  3. That all judges strive to be scrupulously fair.
  4. That anybody can write poetry.
  5. That nearly anyone could write up an idea they have as a lucrative Hollywood screenplay, if only they had the right connections.
  6. That stamp collecting is an educational hobby, as it teaches you all about geography.
  7. That you can find the answer to any question on the internet.
  8. That the Olympics are special because they are only held once

every four years.

  1. That sharks devour hundreds of people yearly.
  2. That spell check has put a great many proofreaders out of business.
  3. That someday every job will be outsourced overseas.
  4. That one may successfully fool the Chinese into thinking you speak their language by incanting “Ching chong ling long.”
  5. That all Japanese secretly despise Americans.
  6. That all Muslims are, by definition, anti-Semites.
  7. That having a friend who is a member of a racial minority

inoculates you from a charge of racism.

  1. That something about New Hampshire makes unsuccessful presidential candidates want to break down and cry.

AUGUST

  1. That all radioactivity is deadly.
  2. That the fact that the people of the United States elected a black man proves they are not racists.
  3. That ethnic stereotyping is largely a thing of the past.
  4. That a talented musician can make a fortune by posting a video on youtube and becoming an overnight sensation.
  5. That if you could make an airplane out of the stuff the black box

is made of, it would never crash.

  1. That we could have had electric cars years ago, only “they”

wouldn’t allow it.

  1. That high school transgressions go on one’s permanent record, with devastating consequences for the future.
  2. That bar codes are the sign of the beast of the Biblical prophecy, without which, one can neither buy nor sell.
  3. That public officials should feel obligated to serve us because our taxes pay their salary.
  4. That any current or recent President that we strongly dislike was or is the worst President since Harding or Grant.
  5. That many celebrities allegedly deceased have actually faked their deaths and are now living in happy anonymity.
  6. That to live to be 100 is a goal to be ardently admired and sought after.
  7. That most southerners are happy, carefree folks who like to go

fishing and hunting and don’t have a worry in the world.

  1. That illegal Mexicans should be driven out of places like Arizona, New Mexico and California, because they simply want to take over.
  2. That a lawyer never gets sued.
  3. That everyone who claims Indian blood is probably telling the

truth, even if they don’t know their federally designated tribe number.

  1. That a chemical in turkey induces sleepiness.
  2. That people who regularly eat yogurt live to be 116.
  3. That every person of 100 attributes their longevity to a daily

glass of wine.

  1. That fish feel no pain, and flop around on the bottom of the boat for fun.
  2. That any man can stop drinking any time he wants to.
  3. That hatcheck girls get to keep all their tips.
  4. That all Italian gangsters wear pinstriped suits, pinky rings, and

snappy fedora hats, and pass out C-notes like they were dollar bills.

  1. That any highway patrolman can be induced to tear up a ticket by proffering a twenty dollar bill.
  2. That one needn’t tip furniture deliverymen, because they are all well-paid, and the service should be free anyway.
  3. That no Belgian has ever distinguished himself.
  4. That all ostensible prudes are secretly titillated by wanton

sexual displays.

  1. That sparking wine is every bit as good as so-called French Champagne.
  2. That checking into a hotel with a woman not your wife under a

false name is actually a federal crime.

  1. That a woman can never tell when her thrifty swain offers he a

bouquet that was rescued from the trash can.

  1. That to read “War and Peace” is a great accomplishment.

SEPTEMBER

  1. That all country girls who venture into the big city for the first

time invariably go wild.

  1. That a person with an odd first name is probably a very odd individual.
  2. That H.G. Wells invented science fiction and was a prophetic genius.
  3. That all thick books, especially the so-called classics, are

excruciatingly dull.

  1. That bearded men have something to hide and might even be ex-cons.
  2. That many truckers are actually quite devout.
  3. That to spend one’s golden years seeing America first in an RV is a laudable goal.
  4. That a restaurant area with a crackling fireplace is the ne plus

ultra of classiness.

  1. That no good Oriental food is to be found outside of New York or California.
  2. That one can buy a painting at a flea market or garage sale that is actually a lost masterpiece worth many thousands of dollars.
  3. That old issues of the National Geographic magazine are “worth something”.
  4. That when a drunk driver who doesn’t wear a seat belt crashes his car, he is always thrown clear of the wrecked vehicle and staggers away without a scratch, because his muscles are relaxed from all that booze.
  5. That if you have a nightmare of something awful happening to you, a day or two later, the awful dream will come true.
  6. That horoscopes in certain newspapers are infallibly oracular.
  7. That the newspaper comics are funny.
  8. That if you get your name and picture in the newspaper, you are famous.
  9. That there are certain places in LA where actresses are routinely “discovered”.
  10. That every waitress in California is a budding starlet, or aspires to be.
  11. That riding in first class on an airplane is infinitely more

pleasurable than suffering in coach, only who can afford it?

  1. That it is a sign of good breeding to always leave a little food

on the plate.

  1. That rich people routinely shop at Goodwill and at dollar stores, because their thrifty habits were how they got rich in the first place.
  2. That wealthy people are invariably the stingiest restaurant

tippers and often fail to leave any tip at all.

  1. That when two foreigners speak in a waiting room in a foreign

tongue, they are always making derogatory remarks, probably about you.

  1. That certain Chinese restaurants conceal a maze of tunnels in

their basements in which are housed untold illegal Chinese persons who are held as virtual slaves.

  1. That ghastly things happen in the back rooms of Chinese restaurants.
  2. That all bankers are die-hard Republicans and pillars of their community.
  3. That a person who is pro-choice is invariably a Democrat, and very wicked.
  4. That when a barber hangs a closed sign on his window during

business hours, he’s probably off taking a few medicinal nips from a brown jug in the back room.

  1. That supermarket offers to buy one and get one free are always great bargains.
  2. That all wars could be settled by the two leaders of the warring

countries going mano a mano.

OCTOBER

  1. That a man doesn’t need to see a psychiatrist, because a barber and a bartender provide the identical service for the price of a haircut and a drink.
  2. That barbers buy the stinkum they lave on the back of your neck

from vendors who charge three dollars a gallon for it.

  1. That old folk in their sunset years invariably take to gardening.
  2. That men, immediately upon retiring, mope around the house and drive their poor wives crazy.
  3. That British people are all very smart; so smart that, when they

come to America, they tend to become arrogant scolds whom you love to hate.

  1. That illegal immigrants flock to this country solely to take

advantage of subsidized housing and free quality medical care.

  1. That a man slipping on a banana peel is funny.
  2. That a woman getting a custard pie in the face is a scream.
  3. That if kids today got a thorough grounding in the 3 Rs, there

wouldn’t be so many High School dropouts.

  1. That all people who work in the State Department are

cookie-pushers who would faint dead away if they ever had to do a real job of work.

  1. That intellectuals have pointy heads and can’t even park their

bicycles straight.

  1. That funeral home directors are always genuinely solicitous.
  2. That a shrewd man would do well to have a cabin in the woods well stocked with firewood and vittles in case the shit ever really goes down and the whole country goes down the toilet.
  3. That it is possible to win the grand prize at carnival games.
  4. That not a few serial killers are actually rather quite dashing and delightful fellows, except for their unfortunate compulsion to

murder innocent strangers.

  1. That the poor, and the rich, have always been with us.
  2. That something on youtube called “rare” really is.
  3. That something on youtube designated as “banned” really was.
  4. That ethanol rescues us from dependence on foreign oil; that

maintaining a monumental transportation grid is better than

maintaining agricultural sustainability.

  1. That the Dust Bowl could never happen again.
  2. That World War 2 “got us out of” the Great Depression.
  3. That the American health system is the envy of the world.
  4. That a garrulous old man is wise but a garrulous old woman is

merely a biddy.

  1. That women are always, without exception, secretly ashamed of their men whenever they appear with them in any public place.
  2. That a person who uses “big words” is invariably a poseur.
  3. That a woman’s smile can always bewitch a hapless male.
  4. That when a woman cries, she always does so to “get her way”.
  5. That female detainees are seldom handcuffed.
  6. That foreigners envy us because we are the land of the free and the home of the brave.
  7. That on Halloween evil witches roam the land, kidnapping children for blood sacrifices to their evil Master.
  8. That every Halloween for the last 50 years, legions of fiends have been spiking the children’s treats with poison and razor blades.

NOVEMBER

  1. That we were in a race with Germany to get the atomic bomb, even though by 1940 they had largely abandoned the effort.
  2. That the dropping of the bomb saved a great many Japanese and American lives, even though Japan was already on the verge of surrender.
  3. That the Vietnam conflict could have been tidily concluded by the dropping of a few low-yield nukes.
  4. That the military “lost” Vietnam because their hands were tied by craven politicians and peaceniks.
  5. That all crime would immediately cease if police were issued the

power to perform summary executions.

  1. That executing prisoners saves the state money.
  2. That compulsive gambling is not really an addiction, but merely a failure of will and a character flaw.
  3. That alcohol is not really a drug; that an alcoholic is not really

a drug addict.

  1. That people on maintenance doses of antidepressants are not really drug addicts, because these are medications prescribed by doctors in order to “fix” imbalances in the brain.
  2. That Clinton would have been regarded as a great President if only he could have kept his membrum virile inside his pantaloons.
  3. That Monica Lewinsky profited enormously from her liaison with Bill Clinton.
  4. That, had JFK lived, he would have established a Kennedy dynasty.
  5. That, had RFK lived, he would have become President, and would have been a great one, who would have united a fractured country.
  6. That the media either has it in for the President, or fawns all

over him, based exclusively on the personal likes and dislikes of

individual reporters.

  1. That in America, unpopular opinions are never censored, but merely ignored.
  2. That people who sell illegal drugs are all enormously rich.
  3. That people become dentists because they simply do not have what it takes to become real doctors.
  4. That pharmacists make a great many important decisions and are well paid because they hold the power of life and death in their

hands.

  1. That “health nuts” often drop stone dead at age 57 or some other absurdly premature age, owing to their strenuous exercise and dietary regimes.
  2. That an occasional brisk walk is all the exercise a man needs,

provided he is not too busy to take the time.

  1. That God created man, and a man who suggests otherwise is not only a wicked scoffer but quite possibly an agent of Lucifer.
  2. That there is something vaguely satanic about deviled ham.
  3. That all women are needy and all men ate heedless and that the two conditions may somehow be connected but no man living can fathom it because women are all crazy anyway.
  4. That “even” Einstein “couldn’t understand” women.
  5. That all architects are individualists of genius.
  6. That when a child asks “why” the best response is always “Because I said so.”
  7. That when Americans mock foreign accents, it is all in good fun.
  8. That all bullies are cowards and that if you fight back, they will run away.
  9. That all reformers are impractical because they fail to realize that corruption has always been with us, and that there’s nothing “we” can do about it.
  10. That to be chosen to complete a consumer survey is a signal honor.

DECEMBER

  1. That we dropped two on Japan, but we could have and maybe damn well should have dropped 100.
  2. That we should have destroyed the Soviet Union when we had a

monopoly on atomic might, instead of waiting for the regime to destroy itself.

  1. That the untold billions squandered on proxy wars against the

Soviets and Chinese were dollars well spent.

  1. That the Republican tax cuts of the 1980s led to untold prosperity, and that the ensuing 8.5 trillion deficit was an unfortunate and utterly unanticipated result.
  2. That Reagan was in every instance a great statesman who never erred and deserves a place on Mount Rushmore.
  3. That Nixon was a good foreign policy President and we would all have been better off if Watergate were treated as a second-rate burglary.
  4. That if Nixon had never been President, the United States would

have been a pitiful, helpless giant.

  1. That spiders lay their eggs exclusively upon the scalps of women with beehive hairdos.
  2. That, 20, or 40, or 60 years ago popular music used to be “good,” but nowadays it all sounds like noise because it is being made by untalented nonentities.
  3. That adolescents are secretly pleased when their parents express an interest in their music and extracurricular activities but they will never admit it.
  4. That adolescents secretly long for their parents to be stern

disciplinarians.

  1. That Country stars all adopt deliberately outlandish names such as that of the late Ferlin Husky, as that is a part of their showmanship.
  2. That virtually anybody can become a Country and Western star, as it requires but little talent.
  3. That all New Yorkers are hyperactive because they all daily drink gallons of devilishly strong iced coffee strong enough to float an egg.
  4. That when children do stupid things, it is inevitably all for the attention.
  5. That the most important attribute a President can have is common sense.
  6. That all bachelors are slobs who instantly clean up their acts

once they enter the hallowed state of matrimonial bliss.

  1. That women always want to faint dead away when first they spy the squalor of their boyfriend’s bachelor pad.
  2. That all women are secretly flattered when men regard them solely as sexual objects.
  3. That we are infinitely more civilized than people who lived 10,000 years ago.
  4. That no man who becomes involved in the theatrical world is a

heterosexual, or remains one for long.

  1. That virtue is its own reward.
  2. That a soft answer invariably turneth away wrath.
  3. That there is something magical about a child’s belief in Santa, or Mickey Mouse.
  4. That there is something magical about any mass delusion.
  5. That Walt Disney was a great artist.
  6. That philanthropists deserve little credit because they are, after

all, only returning what they have stolen over the years.

  1. That the Pope is always a great man.
  2. That poor people are always more kind and generous than the

well-to-do, because they know what it’s like to be up against it.

  1. That all dogs go to heaven.
  2. That only the amateur drinkers celebrate on New Year’s Eve.
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THE INFORMATION #896 JULY 8, 2016

THE INFORMATION #896

JULY 8, 2016
Copyright 2016 FRANCIS DIMENNO
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it. –George Washington
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART SEVENTY-EIGHT: KINGDOM COME

Count Victor Justin stood at the unpolished mahogany bar of the Seven Stars Saloon and, having raised a toast to all the saints and sinners, mostly sinners, who were standing there, he said, in a voice which brooked no contradiction, “As far as I’m concerned, any man who doesn’t know how to cuss isn’t worth a damn. He was likely raised by a family of ministers, in a household where nothing stronger than scandal-water was consumed. He probably raises his own boys to be sissies in a similar fashion, and they are ostracized by their peers because they don’t know how to swear. Many a black eye and bruised noggin is the consequence, I’ll wager. Plus a stunted social life and a ‘fraidy-cat existence. A father owes it to his son to teach him to swear, if only by example. Otherwise, you risk raising your son to be an effete dandy.
 
“Such a lad grows up to be a man, all right, but he’s hardly a man at all. When adversity strikes, he doesn’t make the air blue with profanity; no, he likely blubbers ‘O woe is me’ and similar such watered down palaver. He’s likely a tearful milksop; a mere hobbledehoy; a weak sister prone to crying jags, a fimble-fambling sap devoid of dash-fire. Chief of the dudes; a yob with the inside meemies; a neurasthenic nitwit; an effeminate yellof who is always all-overish. Queen of the mollycoddles; a gentleman of the four outs, a walking talking example of gullyfluff; a man only fit to work at the zoo, teaching blind monkeys where to shit. The kind of chumpy man-child proves largely incapable of engaging in the hubbub and the hurly-burly and the everyday razzle; this kind of feebleminded jackanapes is one who can’t take a joke; who doesn’t react kindly to a gentle ribbing; who would probably faint dead away at the prospect of a fizzing whiskey drink. He is very likely to grow up to be a sham and a humbug; a cad deserving only of the cut infernal or the cut sublime. Someone apt to be bullied by a measly shrimp. I say this not because I think that the art of flinging vile curses is a good thing; it is not a good thing, no. But O, oftentimes it is a necessary thing. Such a necessary thing! As the Good Book says: ‘So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.’ 
 
“I say, if you’re going to curse at all, put your back into it! None of these feeble ‘I’m a delicate flower and I’m about to faint’ sorts of interjectives like ‘Gee Whiz’ or ‘Gosh darn’. What we need more of in the cursing business is some thundering ejaculations! If you’re going to befoul the air with your cussing, and bend time and space by rattling off a few choice oaths, then do it up brown! Go about the business in the correct and proper way! Do it right–or don’t do it at all! 
 
“I’ll tell you what gives me a pain right where I live–it is simply this. The sky pilots and other such tommyrot merchants who say that such talk is against God, and will make Him angry–which begs the question–just what kind of sissified old codger do these Bible-pounders imagine the good Lord to be? I would say this to the Gospel Birds: Go ahead, Brother, and let one rip! Just because you’re a priest doesn’t make you any less of a man! Go ahead, Parson Weems, and tell us what you really think about the Lordy, in red-blooded language that would gladden the heart of any He-Man! How are you going to reach the people whose immortal souls are in danger unless you deign to walk in their shoes, and talk their kind of talk?  
 
“Here’s another thing that never fails to irk me: The sunday-schoolteachers and other such pap-peddlers who say that a resort to cursing is the last recourse of an uneducated man. Bullshit! It’s the first, last, and sole recourse of all of the most manly of men! Soldiers, sailors and hod-carriers don’t confine their remarks to the doings of frails, and the pukey burps of sick babies! Nix! They don’t keep their strong feelings to themselves, where they fester in the belly and give a man dyspepsia! Nix! Nix! Their talk is full of the colorful expletives that make the English language the greatest one that is now spoken and that has ever been conceived of! Show me the man who says ‘I have never said a swear word in my life,’ and I’ll show you a newly-hatched booby, wet behind the ears, whose spunk is so watery it’s a wonder he can breed! Swearing is the sign of a strong and forceful personality; a mind that grapples with the world as it is and not how it would like it to be; a mind which harbors a magnificent, terrific vocabulary devoted to maleficence. I have had occasion to hobnob with learned men; University Professors and the like. Every one of them whom I’ve ever talked to could swear a blue streak, when the occasion demanded. Oh, and they could put so much ‘English’ on all the familiar combinations that it would make your head spin. And I’ll tell you another thing about those doubledomes–amongst themselves, they all drink like fishes. Drinking and cussing, of course, go hand in hand–like bacon and eggs, or a horse and carriage.

“Any yellof who maintains that he doesn’t swear is probably a sneaking hypocrite; a stammering tomfool; a lisping goody-two-shoes who thinks he’s better than everybody else, and a childish secret morphodite to book. Who are these people, who don’t swear? They come from the YMCA and the Chautauqua lectures; the Temperance hotels and the Salvation Army Marching Bands; the tin-horn boys’ boarding schools and the bread-and-water seminaries; the parsonages and the priories. These people ought to take a lesson from the rough-and-tumble people they supposedly live to serve and fling some curses and vile language about–just on general principle!

“When it comes to the game of keeping secrets, it’s always the namby-pamby sorts who skirt around the issue who really have something to hide. I have found that the surest way to develop a reputation for being a being a surreptitious degenerate is to wear a mask of self-righteous rectitude. How many instances have we seen of the lustful parson; the unchaste nun; the ‘regular fellow’ who turns out to be a turncoat or a canary? Too many to count, I’ll warrant. So it is with the man who won’t swear. 

 “Now, I can forgive a man who doesn’t know how to swear. That’s not deviancy; that’s simple ignorance. In ten cases out of ten, all he has to do is hang out at some low dive like this one for an afternoon or two, and soon enough he’ll master the art of turning the air purple with filthy invectives. But the man who won’t swear–no matter what–hmf! There is no hope for him. If he fails to mend his ways and educate himself, he will remain a child forever.”   
 
1*SALUTATION

RED CRAYOLA

2*REFERENCE

3*HUMOR

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST

6* DAILY UTILITY
THE BEST OF BERNARD HERRMANN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uIEIelz_SM
7*CARTOON
THE BEATLES
8*PRESCRIPTION
WILMA LEE & STONEY COOPER
THIS WORLD CAN’T STAND LONG/THAT’S WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH THE WORLD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0calNNfZsA
 
9*RUMOR PATROL
GUN CLUB
10* LAGNIAPPE
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
ALSO SEE:
SEE ALSO:
Strap Your Hands ‘Cross My EnigmasIn my vision I dance leather jacket and hairy Harley,
You can call me Boss but don’t call me Mr. Charley,
I walked Strut Street, Gasoline City mama, Prince Cool,
If you get in my way you’re a diesel fool.
Gambler’s the Devil and sweet Street Jesus is the heat,
It’s so hard to get by when you walk on four feet.
Darling keep your faith in this tragic magic night of pain
You may be a beauty but you ain’t got no brain.
There’s Redemption in these here stamps of green,
Prettiest free prizes you ever seen.
So let me do all the thinkin’
Me…and that hot rod Lincoln.

Well, heaven is a promise and hell is for fools,
I cover you with kisses like a hound dog drools,
Little Richard sings Boney Maroney,
We snack on yesterday’s bargain fried baloney.

The future is a ghost whose bones have been broken
I said I didn’t love yuh but I musta mis-spoken.

My Dad used to sit and watch Barney Rubble
While Maw sat in the bathtub havin’ fun with Mr. Bubble
Well, the bubbles have long since died but the scent lingers on,
I’m leavin this town and I left and now I’m gone
Back to the sea, back to my used to be,
I’m tired of fightin’ like it’s World War Three.
Declare the war man, and make it be over
And I’ll hop right back in my Chevy Nova.

Clippin’ coupons and snackin’ on dollar ham
I’m tellin’ ya baby, Treet is way better’n Spam.
Smells like somethin’ died, no that’s just a fart,
Tell me baby—do you bleed for your art?
Poor boy and in my vision I’m all alone again,
I’ll be a big star, baby, but I don’t know when.

*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 1. SLOTT. ***1/2
THE ASTONISHING ANT-MAN: EVERYONE LOVES TEAM-UPS. ***1/2
BATMAN: HARLEY & IVY: THE DELUXE EDITION. DINI. ***1/2
BATMAN & ROBIN ETERNAL. 1. ***1/2
BATTLEWORLD: ULTIMATE END. ***1/2
THE BEAUTY. HAUN. ***1/2
BROWSING THROUGH THE LOUVRE. PRUDHOMME. ****
CAPE HORN. PERRISSIN & RIBOLDI. ****
CIVIL WAR. MILLAR. ***1/2
CIVIL WAR: CAPTAIN AMERICA/IRON MAN. ****
CIVIL WAR: YOUNG AVENGERS & RUNAWAYS. ***
THE COMEDIANS. NESTEROFF. ****
DAREDEVIL: BACK IN BLACK 1: CHINATOWN. ***1/2
DEADPOOL: WORLD’S GREATEST 1. MILLIONAIRE WITH A MOUTH. ***1/2
DESCENDER 2. MACHINE MOON. LEMIRE. ***1/2
THE DEVIL’S CHESSBOARD. TALBOT. ****
THE ELIZABETHAN UNDERWORLD. SALGADO. ****
ESSEX COUNTY. LEMIRE. ****
EXTRAORDINARY X-MEN 1. X-HAVEN. ***1/2
FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE DEPARTURE OF MISS FINCH. GAIMAN. ****
GETTYSBURG: THE GRAPHIC HISTORY. VANSANT. ****
GRANT VS. LEE: THE GRAPHIC HISTORY. VANSANT. ****
GREEN ARROW 5. BLACK ARROW. GRELL. ***1/2
HAVANA NOCTURNE. ENGLISH. ****
HOW GOD BECAME GOD. SMOLEY. ****1/2
I HATE FAIRYLAND 1. MADLY EVER AFTER. YOUNG. ***1/2
KITARO. MIZUKI. ***1/2
MARY WEPT OVER THE FEET OF JESUS. BROWN. ****1/2
NONNONBA. MIZUKI. ****1/2
PAPER GIRLS. VAUGHN. ***1/2
REBELS 1. A WELL-REGULATED MILITIA. WOOD. ***1/2
SECRETIMES. JONES. ***1/2
SOMETHING NEW. KNISLEY. ****
SPIDER-GWEN 1. GREATER POWER. **1/2
SUPERNATURAL. SMOLEY. ****
SWEET TOOTH 2. IN CAPTIVITY. LEMIRE. ****
SWEET TOOTH 5. WILD GAME. LEMIRE.
TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT. STOIAN. ****
THREADBARE. MOORE. ***
THE UKRANIAN & RUSSIAN NOTEBOOKS. IGORT. ****1/2
THE UNDERWATER WELDER. LEMIRE. ***1/2
THE WHITE DONKEY: TERMINAL LANCE. URIARTE. ****
WONDER WOMAN: EARTH ONE. MORRISON. ***1/2
 
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.

855. MADE FOR TV: SO AFRAID OF THE RUSSIANS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVf7m_YZ2zY

THE INFORMATION #895 JULY 1, 2016

THE INFORMATION #895

JULY 1, 2016
Copyright 2016 FRANCIS DIMENNO
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail? –Robert H. Schuller

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART SEVENTY-SEVEN: KINGDOM COME

“Did I ever tell you-uns,” said Count Victor Justin to Tipsy Smith, the suds-puller at the Seven Stars, “about the time my former pard Jake Leaming met that fat piece of shit, that soulful Johnny black as coal in his heart, the so-called musician Prince Faraday? Oh, it was a match that was truly made in hell–the swishy old con-man and the fat old pig with the whiskey breath who still fancied himself a hit with all the ladies fair. Haw! They all snickered at him behind his back–called him Chubbins, the Oleaginous Romeo, and worser names still. Prince Faraday fancied himself a musical genius on the basis of he once shared a bill with the legendary Blind Tom. Haw! As though genius could be transmitted through the air, like a miasma! He is an opinionated failure whose fleeting fame is long past him, yet he continues to pontificate like some sort of oracular savant about all manners of matters about which he knows far less than nowt. 

“So what do you suppose happened.” said The Count, “when Prince Faraday fatally collided with Jake Leaming? Nothing edifying, I can assure you,” he added, taking a pull at his schooner of beer, “but I’m going to tell you anyway.”

“It was a dark and stormy night. They both were right here at the Seven Stars. The two former adversaries made for a real Mutt and Jeff team–Jake Leaming tall and lean and Prince Faraday, dressed all in black, and short and stout, with grease on his collar and, no doubt, larceny in his heart. Just like all musicians. Never knew an honest one. They’re always stealing each other’s instruments, and moaning about it, all the while indulging in back room chatter regarding who the latest sensation is and who is low man on the totem pole. Jake Leaming, of course, needs no introduction. The world’s expert on everything, or so he would have you believe, and always with one eye open for the main chance. The man would bet on a tumbleweed rolling down the alley in a city which had never seen nary a one, and you shouldn’t be surprised if, right after making that bet, a tumbleweed did indeed materialize. A real hustler. Could talk a starving dog off’n a gut wagon. No truck with the ladies, ner the Bible. If he has any dealings with the ladyfolk at all, you might say that he was in different–like the Greek bridegroom on his honeymoon. He’s a real maricón. Spends all his ochre in getting duded up. Runs with The Fancy, and all the fancy-men, too, whenever he takes a notion. You might have seen him on a yacht. One time he even took a ride on one of them new-fangled Zeppelins. Faraday was standing at the bar, nursing a beer, when in walks Leaming. 

“‘Mr. Thingumbob! How are you, you stupid old fat-head?’ says Jake Leaming to Prince Faraday, ‘Tell me, Yob: how did a sleek young yellof such as you once were end up as a dipsomaniacal garbage-picker? Don’t tell me–let me guess–bad business decisions was it? Or maybe you were snapping at that bottle of Duffy’s Pure Malt Whiskey for so long that you shat your brains out of your ass. You’re a real wet blanket, you are. An aggressive multi-directional  nitwit. The proverbial turd in the punchbowl; the guy who put the ‘fun’ in funeral–your own. Aww, c’mon–chase up a smile, you old grouch. You’ll be dead soon enough. Sooner, if I have anything to say about it. You’re already dead, in the eyes of many. Mumbling your way through a mouthful of greasy fried clams and reduced to obsessively dwelling on the glories and splendors of thirty years ago. Nowadays, I heard it said, you can’t even draw flies. You ought to be on the stage, all right–the first stage out of town. All the young hoofers snicker at your condition. You ought to know about this. They say you can’t find a booking because you can’t read music, and also because you’re so bloated from stuffing your fat face with cheese and bacon that your greasy fat fingers go sliding off the strings of your guitar. They say that you can’t even play ‘When the Saints,’ let alone anything with more than two chords. They say that you’re always straining to get anywhere near the notes and not quite finding them. Tell me, is all that true? Are you even more than all washed up? Old and in the way? Don’t answer. Expecting you to be honest about how old and pathetic you are is like waiting for the cat to walk on two legs–you’re hoping for an eventuality that will never arrive until maybe the crack of doom. I also heard you played in a restaurant and had a tantrum when the owner wouldn’t give you free drinks, so you micturated all over a pile of white aprons he had left in a corner to be washed. That’s all on account of the fact that when you were a strapping lad your Daddy beat you with a slippery elm club while your mother treated you like you was Pius the Ninth.” 

Faraday snapped back at Jake Leaming right smart. “Shut your stinking cake-hole, Captain Queernabs. You skipping, twisting, woman-acting man, why can ye nae stop your barking, as though anything you had to say made so much as a lick of sense? Look at you–thin as a rail–drinking that battery-acid java and sniffing them asthma powders, I reakon–what dost thou here, midst the riff and raff? Looking for a likely lad, I’ll wager. Damn, but thou art a nitwit, wot?  Whither goest thou, ye cadaverous mooch? I hear tell that you like your steaks to be just like your boys–rare and tender. Ought you not be canvassing the gutters for some fresh meat? Morphodites like you thrive best at the chimes of midnight, when the poor blameless horses are safe asleep in their stables. Never mind that you belong in prison. Maybe you ought to stop snuffing those powders and check yourself in to an asylum for the insane. You have all the diseases and weaknesses known to man, due in no small part to your evil habits, self-abuse, profligate excesses, and loathsome vices. They should of strangled you in the cradle.”

“The two of them went at it in that vein for a goodly while, until Prince Faraday decided that he was wasting his time, and left the bar, all the while snorting his disdain. Leaming, of course, was jubilant at having given Faraday the breeze. And rightly so. Faraday always was a character who was too big for his britches, even back when he had something to say. Now he’s just a fat-faced deadbeat with an overgrown sense of his own worth. Noxtown is full of them. Bloated no-talent frauds who somehow think they deserve to be treated like musical geniuses. They’re running a long con, sure, but the only people they’re fooling is…themselves.

“So fadeth all past glories! Haww….”

1*SALUTATION

TURTLES

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

2*REFERENCE

A BRIEF GUIDE TO THE INSANE FRANCIS E. DEC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4mb6gzu60U

3*HUMOR

PARODY OF ARTISANAL FOOD MAKERS
http://www.thekitchn.com/watch-this-parody-of-artisanal-food-makers-222622

4*NOVELTY

DUFFEY STRODE, SCREAMER OF BIBLE VERSES
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kttVCbTrDLw

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
Burger King invents the perfect “food” with Mac N’ Cheetos
http://www.avclub.com/article/burger-king-invents-perfect-food-mac-n-cheetos-238635

6* DAILY UTILITY
This Hipster Marriage Announcement From The New York Times Is The Most Insufferable Yet
This is the beauty of these pompous hipsters – they think they’re individuals, but they’re really just the same. Yeah, you all wear Warby Parker glasses just like all frat guys wear Costas. And you all listen to Ella Fitzgerald just as all frat guys pretend to hate pop country. You’re collectively all the same person.
http://postgradproblems.com/this-hipster-marriage-announcement-from-the-new-york-times-is-the-most-insufferable-yet/

7*CARTOON

SIMON THE MONK IN

“MONKEYDOODLE”

8*PRESCRIPTION

GREAT COUNTRY ALBUMS
http://tasteofcountry.com/100-best-country-albums-ever/

9*RUMOR PATROL
How Joseph McCarthy’s trusted hitman Roy Cohn became Donald Trump’s mentor
http://boingboing.net/2016/06/20/how-joseph-mccarthys-trusted.html

10* LAGNIAPPE

DAVID ARVEDON & THE PSYCHOPATHS

SWEET MOLLY MOLLY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Jvb2SXn0A8

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
I Told the Truth About a Donald Trump Rally. Then the Trolls Threatened My Life.
By Jared Yates Sexton
https://newrepublic.com/article/134534/told-truth-donald-trump-rally-trolls-threatened-life

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.

854. SOLVING THE TRADE IMBALANCE
I SAY WE PRINT A TEN TRILLION DOLLAR BILL AND WHEN CHINA COMES KNOCKING WE GIVE IT TO THEM, SAY THERE YOU GO THANK YOU VERY MUCH DEBT PAID IN FULL NOW GO AWAY AND DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT!!!

THE INFORMATION #894 JUNE 24, 2016

THE INFORMATION #894

JUNE 24, 2016
Copyright 2016 FRANCIS DIMENNO
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Women are made to be loved, not understood. –Oscar Wilde

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART SEVENTY-SIX: KINGDOM COME

As Count Justin Victor continued his rant, a queer gleam arose in his eye, as though he were dyspeptic or, at least, just slightly mad. As he slopped the beer from his mug, punctuating this action with occasional sips, he also regaled the loafers and the loochers, the cracksmen and the abrams-men, the hooligans and thugs, with the full measure of his pent-up bile. 

“We all know of course that the Suffragettes’ claim that they can do any work a man can do just as well and maybe even better is a whole lot of bunkum and hot air. Where is your great woman artist, your great woman politician, your great woman sculptor? All that women are fit to do is be sinners and saints, and there’s hardly any in-between. I’ll tell you what their problem is–they don’t know when to shut up. That’s why you never hear of any women poker players. They can’t keep a secret. All they do is gab. It’s enough to hurt a man’s ears, just from the sound of it. That is, if we were actually listening in, it would be. And have you ever heard to women say a single wise thing while talking with one of her fellow shemales? No, it’s always loose talk about what so and so is wearing, and the new fashions, and other feebleminded pap. Mind you, women have a lot of good qualities–but raw intelligence ain’t one of them. 
“Tell me–what do women have a genius for? All kinds of manners and mannerisms–and very little else. They can put a person right, but ask them to do a job of work all by themselves and all of a sudden you’ll see a shrinking violet as she puts on her ‘I’m just a pore week woman’ act. Tell me–how can they compete in a man’s world when they’re oh-so delicate? You ever see a woman at a boxing match? She inwardly shrinks at the sight of all the sweat and blood. What makes her think she can compete in the great arena of storm and strife when she can’t even stomach the faintest bit of violence? She wants equal rights. But she also wants to be treated with kid gloves. Which one is it going to be? I ask you. I suppose that if you’re spoiled rotten, you’ve managed to convince yourself that you can have your cake and eat it, too. But menfolk are under no such illusions. They realize what a hard place the world can be, and that you have got to snatch every moment of relaxation when and where you can.
“I will tell you a sure-fire way to rile up any woman, anywhere. When she complains about something, tell her she has bats in her belfry and had better mind her ps and qs. Then watch her go off on a tirade. First, she’ll accuse you of being little more than a low-down brute, with no consideration for other people. Note well that ‘other people’ infallibly translates into ‘me’. Next, she’ll imply that you’re the one who is in the wrong. Then she’ll lament the fact that she ever met you. Will compare you, either inwardly or audibly, to other men she could have met and prospered with. Point out in great detail every single one of your shortcomings. Predict that if you fail to change your ways, you will be destined for a bad end. And don’t think it will end there. Oh, no–she’s just getting warmed up. The vindictive little hell-kite! She’ll blame you for everything under the sun. The fact that she broke a fingernail. The fact that there’s stains in the wash that won’t come out. The fact that the dog won’t come when she calls it, and won’t obey her when it does. The fact that she has to take care of a passel of unruly brats because you’re never around. The fact that her feet hurt from having to slave all day over a hot stove, and why can’t we have a cook like her friend the millionaire’s wife? The fact that she doesn’t have enough money to get her hair done every other day. The fact that you don’t give her enough money to buy groceries, so she can treasure up the leftover ooftish and squander it later on–upon powder, paint, and perfumey-water. Or going to the hairdresser. Or buying grotesque wigs. Or similar useless fripperies. 
“But most of all, she’ll always complain about the fact that, every time I come in the door, I fail to splash her with dresses and furs and shoes and hats, and buy for her some fine jewelry. 
“Who does she think I am–Buster Brown? 
“You come in exhausted from a hard day’s work. Does she have your supper waiting? No–she wants to talk on and on about the costly shopping expedition she went on with her dumb friend. Or about how the maid is being saucy. Or about how you forgot to bring home the milk and eggs and butter. Or about how expensive groceries are these days. Or about the new baby that the couple upstairs just brought home. Anything, in fact, except where your dinner happens to be. And when you choose to gently bring to her attention this salient fact, what does she do? Storm out of the house, presumably to go home to mother, and, as her Pythian shot, she will tell you to get your own supper. 
“And finally, she will certainly complain about the fact that you don’t listen to a word she says. That accusation, at least, has some bearing in fact. Because if you listened to every single one of her nitpicking, fussy, persnickety, sniping complaints, you’d very soon be just as loony as she is. And…alack! What profiteth it a man, et cetera, et cetera?

“I’m not saying that woman complain ALL the time. They don’t. Because, at least occasionally, they have to pause, if only to take a breath of fresh air.”

 
1*SALUTATION
SAMMY DAVIS JUNIOR

2*REFERENCE

POPULATION REFERENCE BUREAU
http://www.prb.org/

3*HUMOR
Mantan Moreland: The Black Comedian Who Was Almost One of the Three Stooges
http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2016/03/mantan-moreland-black-comedian-almost-one-three-stooges/
4*NOVELTY
HOMER & JETHRO
 
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST

6* DAILY UTILITY

18+ Workplace Safety Fails That Clearly Neglected OSHA Code
http://www.ratemyjob.com/culture/27889/18-workplace-safety-fails-that-clearly-neglected-osha-code#page=1

7*CARTOON
DANCE HALL RACKET
Lenny Bruce writes and stars in a very bad movie. Also on hand are his wife, his mom, and frequent Ed Wood player, Timothy Farrell as Mr. Scalli. Directed by Phil Tucker (maker of ROBOT MONSTER).–Milton Knight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-w8WH3sxZI&feature=youtu.be
 
8*PRESCRIPTION
THE BIZARRE WORLD OF BRITISH NIGHTLIFE
http://www.vice.com/read/explaining-british-nightlife-to-americans-416
 
10* LAGNIAPPE
Hee Haw
‘Eefing & Hambone Act Compilation’
Jimmie Riddle & Jackie Phelps
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QQ5pcdP40M
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA

(((The Jewish Cowbell))): Unpacking a Gross New Meme From the Alt-Right
http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2016/06/02/the_jewish_cowbell_the_meaning_of_those_double_parentheses_beloved_by_trump.html

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
853. HOW THE JEWS INVENTED GOD, AND MADE HIM GREAT

THE INFORMATION #893 JUNE 17, 2016

THE INFORMATION #893
JUNE 17, 2016
Copyright 2016 FRANCIS DIMENNO
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

There is no substitute for hard work. –Thomas A. Edison

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART SEVENTY-FIVE: KINGDOM COME

“Do you want to know why I honestly don’t hanker after working at any commonplace occupation,” said Count Victor Justin, “like so many of the poor slobs who have to earn their daily bread in remunerative toil? Here’s my rationale. Hard work is just another name for letting yourself be played for a sucker. You don’t see the pluty-crats with all the ooftish dripping from their fat and sweaty fists engaged in any sort back-breaking labor, do you? That’s strictly for chumps. Confidentially? A lot of those gumps may clear brush on their ranches and dig holes for fence posts because it makes them feel good to finally get some exercise for a change–not because back-breaking labor is a valuable thing in and of itself. Why, they’d drop over stone cold dead if they actually had to exert themselves in order to earn a living. Not that I’m any better. I never said as much. Oh, I think I might last fifteen minutes in the kind of job they have on offer in the average factory, where you get to do the same thing over and over for hour after hour. Nix!  Funny thing is, I’ll stand on my feet all day and all night hour pretending to be a racing wire tout or a stockbroker–but that doesn’t mean I would like to do those things in actual earnest, instead of as part of a long con. It’s like fishing, you see. If you told a man he actually HAD to fish, it would be the most onerous chore on six continents to him. It’s only because he thinks of it as FUN that he’ll engage in that asinine practice. Same thing with cooking dinner. Convince yourself that you’re accomplishing something worthwhile, and the process becomes entertaining. But if you had to do it day after day–why, there can be no worse hell, I think, then having to sweat and strain in front of hot ovens in a smoky kitchen, all for the dubitable privilege of feeding hordes of fatsos and loochers. I’d rather stand in line in front of a soup kitchen! I’d rather beg on the street like a common mendicant! I think I’d even rather wrestle a dirty soup-bone from the maw of a starveling cur!”
“All these things that people do for so-called fun seem like an awful lot of hard work to me, and for what purpose I have yet to gather. Gardening? Pfaugh! Why should I get my hands dirty just to have a nice-looking front yard? I don’t even own a house, so what’s the sense of it? I would rather rummage for scraps in back of a flophouse, or commandeer the shell game at a two-bit country fair than engage in that kind of weak sister activity. Then, of course, there are the sorts of people who like to pitch horseshoes and play shuffleboard, and even, God help us, engage in sports like baseball. Standing around in the blistering sun wearing a loathsome cap like some sort of monkey at the circus and watching for hours as a man tries to beat a india-rubber ball with a big stick? And–every once in while–trying to accomplish the same trick yourself with the ball and bat and getting a hit and rounding the bases and sliding into home plate and possibly breaking your durn fool leg in the process? No thank you–that sort of horseplay is not my idea of a good time. And golf? Still more foolishness. A bunch of greedy-guts waddling around with a bag full of clubs trying to whack a teeny tiny ball into a teeny tiny hole? No thanks. I’ll take vanilla. I suspect that the whole notion of sport as being somehow ‘pleasurable’ must have been invented by some malevolent demon who took delight in watching us waste away the short span of our lives in purposeless enjoyment. I would rather be accomplishing something with my spare moments, thank you very much.
“You may well ask–What awakens me from my stupor of self-regard and gives ME enjoyment? Good food, and plentiful drink. Edifying conversation. Failing any of that –a good book. And taking a sucker for all he’s worth with the old razzle dazzle is, of course, which is always for me a highly salubrious endeavor. Quite naturally, for most grifters, the money is easy come and easy go. Hardly one in twenty has the sense to sock any of it away as a nest egg in view of enjoying a comfortable old age. No–for those characters, they’re always convinced that they’re going to hit it big with one last enormous score–one that will set them up for life. But it never happens. Either they lose their nerve, or the opportunity never materializes in the first place. Bad ‘cess to them, I say, if they haven’t the sense to save their money in a wonderful tin box and bury it away deep, somewhere far from the crash and bang of the civilized world. A little cabin up in the woods…yess…plenty of firewood…a large stock of canned goods…because you never know. Or maybe you could buy yourself a farm, and hire you someone to milk the cows and chickens while you bask in living the good life of a country squire or baron. Summers spent setting in the porch in an old rocking chair, and sleeping in a hammock. Winters spent perusing the papers in front of a braw wood-burning stove. A nice vacation–a life spent amongst the plain folk…it would be boring, sure, but ‘home comes the sailor home from the sea’ and all that. I could see living the life of Reilly in some swell city like Madport, or even Belle Avon–living off the interest income earned by my piles and piles of ill-gotten moolah.  
“Fate never intended me for a piker clerk. I’d rather take my chances in the great byways and thoroughfares of the city, and retire to a tranquil rural life when I am old and grey and full of sleep, rather than sweat my life away as an underling in the toils of some self-styled worshipper of Moloch.  
“Let’s face it–some men were born to sing for their supper, or be slaves, and to drop dead in the traces–while nature’s true aristocrats were intended to sit back and relax and enjoy life. Can I help it if I am one of the latter class?”      
 
1*SALUTATION
THE GIRLS
JEFFREY I HEAR YOU

2*REFERENCE

THE CRIMINAL ORIGINS OF COMIC BOOKS
3*HUMOR
4*NOVELTY
NY POST DROPS ITS COMICS SECTION
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
PEOPLE OVERDOSING ON ANTI-DIARRHEA DRUGS
Time to get your shit together.
6* DAILY UTILITY
COMMUNISM, HYPNOTISM, AND THE BEATLES
7*CARTOON
HAPPY HOBOES (1933)
8*PRESCRIPTION
ANIMATED SOVIET PROPAGANDA
THE SHAREHOLDER
9*RUMOR PATROL
UBER IS IN THE SUB-PRIME AUTO BUSINESS
10* LAGNIAPPE
PHIL CROW TRIO
i’M A-GITTIN READY TO GO
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA

The Devil’s Chessboard
By David Talbot
Reviewed by Jim DiEugenio, December 15, 2015

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
852. THE ROLE OF THE BIBLE IN DONALD TRUMP’S TOOLBELT
BY RICHARD SMOLEY

THE INFORMATION #892 JUNE 10, 2016

THE INFORMATION #892
JUNE 10, 2016
Copyright 2016 FRANCIS DIMENNO
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com
You’ve got to find some way of saying it without saying it.–Duke Ellington

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART SEVENTY-FOUR: KINGDOM COME

 
“Not to sound like a renegade.” said Count Victor Justin, “or a reprobate, or one of them God-damned anarchists who go around blowing up statues and sometimes policemen, but the further you delve into the ways of the world, the more you have to realize that everything is a hustle and a con. Every businessman has got his own little special secret way of getting one over on the customer, who is always faded, fucked, and forgotten in veritably any retail transaction. You go to the general store to get supplies. The milk has been watered and has a sickly bluish cast; the bread had been adulterated with plaster of Paris and Indian corn meal, and there’s pebbles in the beans. The bacon is old and moldy and has been bathed in nitrates to conceal that interesting fact. The mutton is ghastly, and the fish is riddled with worms the size of your forearm. Nor can you depend upon your average restaurant to provide you with wholesome provender. You go to a chophouse and are served a piece of gristle as tough as old shoe leather–well and good, when you’re habituating a cheap old beanery–but you’ll find that even in the finest restaurants a good steak is seldom to be had–all the good cuts of quality beef are sold to friends of the cook, who pockets the profit, and the hapless diner is left with the same old tough cut of so-called beef that a dog would howl to eat. And don’t ever go to a swank hotel looking to get a good night’s rest. Everyone there is in league to swindle and shake you down–from the desk manager to the bellboy to the house dick. Even if you make a reservation ahead of time, they’ll try to move you into a higher-priced suite by saying they must of ‘mislaid’ your reservation. You arrive in town hot and dusty from riding the train all day–so what are you going to do, other than kowtow to their enormous fraud?
“Cheats and short-cuts are everywhere. Cut-throats are all around. They’re practically a way of life. Have you ever seen a policeman who wouldn’t steal? I haven’t; and I’ve traveled this world round. The blue smock gives them a certain license, you see–most low-class people will steal when given a chance. It’s in their nature. They’re just like animals in that way. Ever see two dogs fight over a bone? Then you know what I mean. Poor people are different from you and me. They seize their chances right away, and don’t bother to ponder the consequences. It’s a matter of survival, you see. The world is not kind to people who think too much. Especially the world of the poor. 
“Physical force is mostly a no-go in the world of the wealthy and coddled. It’s seen as too too vulgar–like talking too loud, or wearing the wrong outfit to the dinner party. They’re all about appearances, the well-to-do. But poor people come at you with the bark off. If they don’t like the looks of you, you’d better be prepared to fight it out. And if you take your beating like a man, there’s the end of it. You see, after you proved you will fight, even if you lose, you will be respected. But if you act like a coward, because you don’t want to bruise your pretty face, then you will never live it down. Even a small boy knows the truth of that. It will follow you around until the day you die–or get the hell away from the gutter. 
“Funny thing about the ghetto, though–it tends to follow you around.
“The problem being, if you do fight, you tend to take lumps in the head. That makes you stupid. Too stupid to aspire to any higher station in life, because you got two strikes agin’ you–you weren’t, as they say,, ‘to the manor born’; plus, all your friends call you ‘punchy’. Take my word for it–no child of privilege was ever called ‘Punchy’. 
“Being poor is a racket, you see, just like any other–everything about it is designed to keep you down–down in your place. 
“I will say this much: Po’ folk don’t pussyfoot around none. They say what they mean, and they don’t care if you like it or not. They got no time ner inclination to ponder the finer subtleties of a situation. They got little enough to lose, and so they ain’t a-scared of nothing. And all that Turn the Other Cheek crap they preach from the pulpit is a no-go once you leave the church. Look to the playgrounds of any public school at recess–you’ll be able to tell right off who are the children of the poor. They’re the brawlers. They have to be. Nobody gives them nothing, unless they take it. Poor folks. needless to say. don’t make for good con men. They got an eye for the main chance, to be sure–but they ain’t got no finesse. They see every problem as an equation which is solved by the liberal application of fisticuffs. They have no appreciation of what is appropriate. They’ll brawl in a barroom or at a funeral or a wedding–it’s all the same to them. And that’s how they teach their children how to be. Nothing worse for a poor man than to have a Sissy for a son. That’s where we get a lot of our priests, no disrespect intended. Show me a fighting priest, and I’ll show you a scion of the lower classes. Even a lad who’s afraid to fight is even more afraid of being considered a coward. He knows full well that the old man will whip his ass for him when he learns he’s harboring a Sissy-boy. ‘God hates a coward.’    
“And that’s why the military is the perfect dumping ground for the scions of the lower depths–they were born to fight anyway, so why not put the one thing they’re good for to some kind of use? Better to use them as as cannon fodder than to watch them standing on the street corner and annoying all the pretty little girls….

“So, anyway, if you’re a poor man, you have to always ask yourself: Why should I not take advantage of plunder ready to hand? The bosses, the ward heelers and other pols, they’re no better, and most likely a damn sight worse, seeing as how their graft is all but sanctioned by the business interests of the town–as long as they get their rake-off. A man can be a blue-skinned Aborigine who roasts babies over a spit and eats ’em–but as long as he is in line with what all the top businessmen believe–that their plunder is is in some way ‘sanctified’–then all the people who matter will say that he’s ‘All Right’.

“Show me an honest man and I’ll show you a youngster–a poor weak fish too naive to grab for his with both hands–or, maybe, a scalded pup who has felt the lash of the master one time too many. 
“And believe it when I tell you that there’s no reforming a born scoundrel. I should know, for I am the world’s expert. Sharp practice is like a narcotic drug. You think you can resist its lures and snares, and maybe for a day or two, or even a week, you manage to do it. But then all the old temptations gather round, and whisper to you that it will all be all right if you do it just once. And before too very long–you find yourself back on the same old merry-go-round as before.”
 
1*SALUTATION
DION
DADDY ROLLIN’ (IN YOUR ARMS)

2*REFERENCE

Snopes’ Field Guide to Fake News Sites and Hoax Purveyors

BUDDY RICH BUS TAPES
This is not the goddamn House of David fuckin’ baseball team. This is the Buddy Rich Band; young people…with faces! No more fuckin’ beards. That’s out! If you decide to do it, you’re through. Right now! This is the last time I make this announcement. No more fucking beards
4*NOVELTY

Slurpee 7-11 45 – Strange Things That Happen To Those Who Slurp at Seven Eleven

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
6* DAILY UTILITY
7*CARTOON
TERRY TOONS
“SWOONING THE SWOONERS” (1945)
MASSACHUSETTS STEREOTYPES MAP
9*RUMOR PATROL
Men who fight apes.

10* LAGNIAPPE

PHIL HARTMAN ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY: BABIES VS. ROBOTS
This is what the grand struggle for the soul of the Democratic Party has come down to: The fight between babies and robots. The mostly youthful Sanders supporters are convinced that their adversaries are nothing more than emotionless pragmatists dedicated to preserving the status quo at any cost. The Clinton supporters, for their part, look upon the insurgents as spiteful red diaper babies whose foundation garments are dripping-wet. Quite naturally, the partisan squabbles of the Democrats once again threaten to hand the country over to the power-hungry Republicans.

Sweet Land of Liberty!
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
100 BULLETS 10. ****1/2
100 BULLETS 11. ****1/2
100 BULLETS 12. ****1/2
AGONY. BEYER. ****
ANIMAL MAN 1. THE HUNT. LEMIRE. ***1/2
BATMAN BEYOND 1. BRAVE NEW WORLDS. ***
THE COMPLETE WIMMEN’S COMIX. ****
GOTHAM ACADEMY 2. CALAMITY. **1/2
HARLEY QUINN & POWER GIRL. ***
HELLBOY IN MEXICO. ***1/2
HOW LITERATURE WORKS: 50 KEY CONCEPTS. SUTHERLAND. ****1/2
JAMES JOYCE. ZAPICO. ****1/2
JOHN WAYNE’S AMERICA. WILLS. ****
JUSTICE LEAGUE 7. THE DARKSEID WAR PART 1. ***1/2
JUSTICE LEAGUE 3000. 2. THE CAMELOT WAR. ***1/2
NANCY REAGAN: THE UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY. KELLEY. ***1/2
OUT THERE. WILSON. ****1/2
RUNAWAYS: BATTLEWORLD. ***1/2
SECRET WARS. HICKMAN. ***1/2
SHOWA: A HISTORY OF JAPAN 1926-1939. MIZUKI. ****
SHOWA: A HISTORY OF JAPAN 1939-1944. MIZUKI. ****1/2
SHOWA: A HISTORY OF JAPAN 1944-1953. MIZUKI. ****1/2
SHOWA: A HISTORY OF JAPAN 1953-1989. MIZUKI. ****1/2
SPIDER-MAN 2. SLOTT. ***1/2
SUPERMAN & JUSTICE LEAGUE AMERICA. 1. ***1/2
TRILLIUM. LEMIRE. ***
WE ARE ROBIN 1. THAT VIGILANTE BUSINESS. ***
WHEN OPPOSITES ATTRACT. CUTTER. ****
WHERE THE BODIES WERE BURIED. ENGLISH. ***1/2
WOODY GUTHRIE & THE DUST BOWL BALLADS. HAYES. ****

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.

MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 212 JUNE 2016

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE

NUMBER 212
JUNE 2016
Copyright 2016 Francis DiMenno
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

1.NOIR MISFORTUNE COOKIES

1101.She treated you like a dog. But…you are a dog.

1102. It’s not over until it’s over. Guess what? It’s over.
1103. You are lost on a wild sea of adult pain.
1104. The evidence needed for your alibi has been lost forever.
1105. The Big Man will reward all his henchmen–except you.
1106. Listen, creep–blow town. You’re all washed up around here.
1107. You will go kicking and screaming into that good night.
1108. You think you’re the Big Cheese–but you’re just another rat.
1109. They look in your eyes and see a corpse.
1110. You don’t get a pass this time–you stink of failure.
1111. Fool! You interfere at the peril of your own life.
1112. No shelter from the storm of the Big Man’s wrath.
1113. Every hope you cling to will become another trap.
1114. Wallow in comforting lies. The truth will get you nowhere.
1115. You’re a poisonous spider. Fortunately, your web is very small.
1116. You are a small boy’s idea of a Big Shot.
1117. Final reel of your movie: death of an old con.
1118. You’ll be the guest of honor at the Hangman’s Ball.
1119. You relish your despair because you live to fail.
1120. A whorehouse was your kindergarten; your high school was jail.
1121. Your lonely heart beats rapidly while everything dissolves.
1122. You wander through life half alive, but mostly dead.
1123. You’re not Jesus; you’re one of the Romans. A weakling.
1124. The world’s full of liars, but you’re lying to yourself.
1125. You swore Eternal Fidelity–in a City of Broken Vows.
1126. Take care of yourself; get plenty of rest. You’ll need it.
1127. Your power is your prison; your secret is your weakness.
1128. Your every wish fulfilled becomes a future nightmare.
1129. You’re an old-fashioned relic of a shattered regime.
1130. Anything is possible; only your ship is never coming in.
1131. By living only to fail you fail to live.
1132. You are anxious about lost innocence you never had.
1133. Your education only taught you to accept your own undoing.
1134. Your free will is paradoxically your tyrant.
1135. Jealous barber, throat slash, basement grave, nosy coppers, hot seat.
1136. Her smile is killing you. Literally.
1137. Sinner, beware! Acts of God are closer than they appear.
1138. Your lazy self pity will be shattered by hard reality.
1139. You are nothing but a donkey with a hard mouth.
1140. That’s all there is and there ain’t no more.
1141. You are the answer to no one’s prayer.
1142. Sit down. Shut up. Nobody cares about a stupid old man.
1143. Your pregnant wife is a secret drinker.
1144. They all judge you; not one is merciful or kind.
1145. All the devils in the world are glaring–at you.
1146. Even your one friend calls you a dyspeptic crank.
1147. Why do you talk, crazed one, when there’s nobody to listen?
1148. Even your loyal dog flees–from the scent of murder.
1149. Surrender. You are a man who has been completely used up.
1150. You are the identical twin of a known serial killer.
1151. The snowdrift provides a cool white blanket. Sleep, drunken one.
1152. At forty you had neither a heart nor a brain.
1153. She would never have married you; you are just a thug.
1154. The man who knows your secrets is now your most bitter foe.
1155. You are trash. What happens to trash? It gets burned.
1156. Proud fool–your head shall be made to bow in sorrow.
1157. Even now, the FBI is aggressively interrogating your nosy neighbors.
1158. You should be born again as somebody else. Somebody good.
1159. You’re so changed your high school sweetheart doesn’t recognize you.
1160. She would never have loved you if she had known.
1161. You are dead to all your friends and soon for real.
1162. Tired? That’s no excuse. Most people are tired.
1163. You are truly without friends–and deserve to be.
1164. Bad parents, squandered chances, sad carelessness–death by misadventure.
1165. You are afraid of that looming Jersey Barrier–and you are justified.
1166. Your parents should have kept the dog and given you away.
1167. Those burly men who tease you at the bar are not your friends.
1168. Surrender all your desires–they will never be fulfilled anyway.
1169. They do not suspect your quiet exterior conceals a seething rage.
1170. You will never find your way home. You have no home.
1171. Being a broken-down old man is now your full-time job.
1172. Your short life has been one long misadventure.
1173. All of your secret self-doubts are now public record.
1174. Even your loved ones grow tired of your excuses.
1175. The psychiatrist can’t help you. Nobody can.
1176. Nobody wants to hear the complaints of a bitter old man.
1177. Bald, ugly, and stupid–you might as well stay at home.
1178. The world is a conspiracy to ignore you.
1179. Even the friendly dog bares his teeth in your presence.
1180. Concerned parents forbid their children from talking to you.
1181. Your life is now in its anticlimax.
1182. You are such a dinosaur even the old shun you.
1183. People look at you and silently shake their heads.
1184. They have recorded your every crime on video.
1185. Soon you will pay for all your foolish misdeeds.
1186. Every day is, for you, the final judgment.
1187. Hell? This is hell, nor are you out of it.
1188. You will never win the lottery, so why bother?
1189. Yours will be a life of deprivation and squalor.
1190. You are quickly coming to the end of your tether.
1191. Your very presence is enough to bother people.
1192. Why don’t you surrender now, and save us all some trouble?
1193. You are not fit to even shine the shoes of your superiors.
1194. Fool–you can’t even hold down a minimum wage job.
1195. You have been educated in the school of black folly.
1196. Why don’t you stay at home and leave decent people in peace?
1197. You may have brains, but they are the wrong kind.
1198. You are scrounging for pennies in a land of millionaires.
1199. You should never have tried to rise above your station.
1200. All that is left for you now is sweet, endless sleep.

 

  1. SEVENTY-FIVE PROVERBS

Visualize world police.
High school is a hospital where they amputate your imagination.
Nobody ever remembers the man who gives them the amnesia pills.
There is nothing sadder than a superannuated funnyman.
My anger is cool but yours is just stupid.
The American Empire’s mythology is the commodification of all myth.
The losers can also write history.
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
My police state, right or wrong.
This is no country for old memes.
No ideology please, we’re Americans.
America is zoned for business, not beauty.
While the world about us rages, let’s go back to the media pages.
Television programming is the random ephemera of an infinite flea market.
Justice is no more than a luxury.
Art is a time capsule for the zeitgeist.
What manner of man doth dare declare me pompous?
Advertising is a cheerful record of American selfishness.
Tradition must change.
Irony “rules,” “ok?”
Hate will also find a way.
We’re all somebody’s idiot.
Experience is a useful pill to purge optimism.
My instinct is to do the indecisive thing–but I’m not sure exactly
what that is.
A memoir commemorates our self-deception .
The present isn’t what it used to be.
Abandon hope, all ye who hit ‘enter’ here.
Old men often offer laughably anachronistic advice.
Candor is our only socially acceptable guile.
Life is simply a quiet accumulation of tyrannies and traumas.
Let a simile be your umbrella.
You have the right to remain salient.
Me is the new you.
A marriage is made in heaven and lived in hell.
There is a terrifying wasteland between innocence and hysteria.
Inside of every woman there’s a fat man struggling to get out–me.
All liberals are stupid and all conservatives are fat.
Key definitions drive the plot.
Fanaticism is belief exploded and hardened into dogma.
The category of our expectations is made to be ruptured.
Our short national daydream is beginning.
Democratic politics seldom explores the vast middle ground between
buffoonery and cant.
Past controversies are always quaint.
Junkies are like, so 20th century.
Life is but a gene.
The simplest explanation is always this: They lied.
The shameless succeed.
When we reunite with our relatives we become uncomfortable spectators
of our own stupidities.
Procreation is the thief of time.
We rage against the coming of the light.
We are often more spinned against than spinning.
Sound is a bell and silence is that it has not been rung.
Our choice of friends merely betrays the networks of our ambivalence.
Time creates the mosaic of reality.
Now is always the bronze age.
They want to make you think there’s something wrong.
Our destiny whistles through a hollow shell.
Let’s not forget the sins of the grandfathers, too.
Beware the patience of an angry man.
Pepperoni is just baloney with attitude.
All art is sexual harassment.
All slogans are rhetorical substitutes for evidence.
Xenophobes all ought to go back to where they didn’t come from.
Save the country–win valuable prizes!
The internet is a fount of useful misinformation.
Propaganda is a machine for the betrayal of the meaning of words.
Television is a voracious mirror.

There is no piece of turf so small that it can’t be fought over.
Driving is Dada.
The more illusory the enemy the more relentlessly he must be hunted down.
Impracticality is the greatest sin.
Many things once considered right in time become wrong.
Who push the experts on, they are the gods.
Arty means dirty and smart means dull.

It’s the end of the word as we know it and I–

 3. NEWSPAPERS

Read a newspaper on any given day, and you’ll learn the following important facts:

 MOM DECRIES SEX AND VIOLENCE IN MEDIA

 METAL GARBAGE CANS FOIL FERAL DOGS

POLICE CONCERNED REGARDING TEEN DRINKING

ELDERLY MAN TURNS TO GOD

 LOCAL YOUTH WINS AREA SPELLING BEE

POLL: VOTERS TIRED OF NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN ADS

FANS SHOW TEAM COLORS

RESTAURANT GIVEAWAY SEES LINES AROUND BLOCK

SURVIVORS MOURN ON ANNIVERSARY OF TRAGEDY

AREA MAN HARVESTS RECORD-BREAKING PUMPKIN

ICEBERGS A THREAT TO MERCHANT MARINE

 Now, if I owned a newspaper, the headlines would be something like this:

MASSES LIVE IN FEAR OF UNDEFINED FOES

GANG MEMBERS DIE DEFENDING WORTHLESS TURF

PRO-GOVERNMENT PROPAGANDA PERVADES TELEVISED MEDIA

SPORTS: STUPEFYING PALLIATIVE FOR BUM ECONOMY

 TALK-RADIO SHOWS PREACH TO THE CONVERTED

MISFITS AND CRANKS ALSO EXCHANGE MEANINGLESS BANTER IN TAVERNS

BITTER KOOKS AND RECLUSES FIND SATISFACTION IN CURSING MINORITIES

VIOLENCE SEEN AS CURE-ALL BY DRUNKS AND LOUTS

 SPY AND SPACE OPERAS KOWTOW TO MILITARY SOLUTIONS

ACTORS, H’WOOD PRODUCERS IN THRALL TO MILITARY-CIA

CONDENSED TV NEWS DISTORTS REALITY

HEIROPHANTS GIVE PEOPLE ‘WHAT THEY WANT’: DOMINATION

MEDIA GLORIFIES DEAD-END ‘GANGSTA’ SCRIPT

 

  1. MOVIE REVIEWER CODE: WHAT THEY SAY AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS

“Wickedly funny” = Stupid.

“A non-stop, action-packed thrill ride” = Infantile.

“Fun for the whole family” = Insipid. 

“A new American classic” = Sentimental horseshit.

“A roller-coaster ride” = No real plot, but plenty of gratuitous violence.

“___: The Sequel” = Same old shit in a different wrapper.

“A stylish, provocative thriller” = Harbors illusions of larger significance.

“Heartwarming” = Insufferably sententious and sentimental.

“Will put a smile on your face” = Utter lugubrious pap.

“Inspirational” = Moronic.

“Intriguing” = Baffling.

“Rollicking fun” = Really dumb.

“Significant” = Boring.

“A worthy successor to…” = No original ideas here.

“From the Producers of…” = We couldn’t get the same star or the same director from our first fluke hit to return.

“Tells about a forgotten aspect of history” = This sucks, but it would be injudicious not to praise it.

“Magic” = Improbable farrago of fantasy elements.

“The best family comedy of the year” = The only family comedy released this year with decent production values.

 “Fun!” = It is so stupid that you will want to tear your hair out.

 “High octane fun” = Idiotic hijinx amid senseless simulated slaughter.

 “Non-stop action” = The Star’s tits are bigger than those of the female lead’s.

 “X AND Y ARE PERFECT TOGETHER!” = The star looks like he would rather kiss, rather than snack on, the face of the female lead.

 5. GROWING UP CATLICK
What’s the deal with mackerel snappers?

Honestly?!

Their shining clean houses always smell like cheap hotel soap–the
kind that comes in a white wrapper with purple lettering–“Casmere Bouquet”–

and they’ve even got a garish chipped plaster replica of their groovy crucified
messiah hanging on the wall of the garret that’s been converted into a
guest bedroom. The bedroom in question always has some kind of
raggedly blanket-type thing ineptly knitted from fat yarn by a
superannuated nun with a severe case of macular degeneration. Can’t
throw it away! It would be a sin! So they keep this dusty relic on the
bed, where it gathers cabbage-scented dust. It itches in the summer,
and as you lie beneath it in the winter your balls shrivel to the size
of Jerusalem almonds because you’re freezing half to death. They don’t
believe in turning on the furnace, either, you see. “Heat rises,” they
say. The hell it does! Not when you’re a Gorton-gobbling poormouth
Papist wretch living in the house of Our Lady of Perpetual Pain!

I mean, really! They might as well be living in a fucking igloo!

But they don’t eat blubber.

No, they count every fucking pea on the plate, lest they somehow
commit the sin of gluttony. They drink vile soup in a snap-top bottle
made from a recipe last popular in 1642.

They use the expression “My Goodness” a lot.

They think Batman is an invention of the devil.

And that irony comes straight from the scrapbook of the Antichrist.

And, like the ancient Romans and their household gods, they clutch in
their sweaty talons a laminated card with a blurry picture of their
personal saint, to whom they incessantly mumble through chipped
dentures an odious shopping list of their insipid desires.

And they never even pray for anything useful!

Furthermore, even when they do ask for something, they’re always
couching it in the form of some pathetically laughable deal!

“Please, St. Michael–while I’m up here in the guest room attic–if
only I can find the box with that nodding dog that Mee-maw gave me
back in 1957, I’ll never drive over 40 again!”

And even in their sleep, they mutter things like “Jesu Christu,” and
“Bingo has been called–hold your markers, please!”

They can just about drive you nuts with their magical thinking and
irrational superstitions.

Plus, when it comes time to unclutch some of their dough-re-me, all of a
sudden they conveniently forget all about the “Render unto Caesar”
clause. They’ll give their food money to the bloated coffers of
their precious church, and meanwhile, Baby needs a new pair of shoes! I
mean, come on! The money they spend on useless crap like sacred
candles and mass cards could easily be invested at 4 per cent and in their
old age they could retire in Nova Scotia in an oceanfront resort
cabin!

But no–they’d rather be sitting around a cheap formica table with
their grizzled cronies from the Council on Aging, gumming potato candy
and mumbling novenas. You want to tell them, “Listen, pilgrim–this
hair shirt jazz went out with Savoranola! Get wise to yourself! Wake
up and live a little! That cute young parish priest is just another
chubby, slick-haired racketeer, only with a starched collar and holy
water! Spend the moolah on yourself!”

But no. The one thing a person who has made the same mistake their
whole life long simply will not do is buck a losing trend.

And the lapsed ones? Oh, they’re the worst. Mainly because, like me,
they’re always pointing out and trying to enforce nonexistent rules of
imagined decorum.

Watch out for them. Watch out.

 

  1. WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD AND SHUT UP?

Walk it off and quit yer blubberin’, chief.
Man up, Cowboy. We all got a hard row to hoe.
Get some seeds.
Buck up, Bucko.
Wipe the water out from behind your ears and get biz-zay.
Suck it up, Bohunk. The world will turn without you.
Less Talkee, More Workee, Cabin Boy.
Get a clue, Lifer. Let your hair down.
Sleep in the grave, Noddy. Hustle hustle hustle!
Quit slurpin’ them onion rings, Lard, and get a move on.
Hit it or quit it, L7.
Unglue your ass from that sofa and get your shit together.
And remember: Coffee is for closers only.

 

  1. ALL POLITICAL FANATICS MUST IMMEDIATELY BE DESTROYED!

Bob Hope, confronted by protesters at the 1971 Miss World Pageant,
remarked, “Anyone who wants to disrupt something as beautiful as this
must be on some kind of dope. The perpetrators will pay for this.
Upstairs will see to that.”–Gerard J. DeGroot, “The Sixties Unplugged,” p. 288.

I MUST HUMBLY CONFESS that I am steadily growing to strongly dislike
all people who see every single thing as some sort of excuse to have a
political agenda.

Surely you must know the types–common, everyday nobodies folks who
somehow feel like they deserve some kind of an award for not being a
fascist robot.

Sanctimonious, self-righteous bastards, refusing to work for Hitler
Incorporated and declining to fuel the Amerikkkan death machine.

Pompous asses.

I long to smash in all their smug faces.

Filthy humanists.

Always babbling about such archaic notions as “individual choice” and
“the freedom to refuse.”

They must be forced to break stones for the new economy until they
collapse into a numbed stupor.

No time clocks, indeed!

Who do these filthy hippies think they are?

MANAGEMENT???

I’ll bet they’re be sorry when the boys upstairs get wind of their shenanigans.

These bohemians and their left-handed cigareets make muh haid spin.

Listen, you parasites: I got news for ya.

Some people see things as they are and say, “Why?”

I see things that never were and say, “Die, you blood-sucking freaks–die!!!”

Maybe if some of you beatniks took a cold bath, you might wake up out
of your wacky tobaccy stupor and earn an honest living instead of
mooching off my hard-earned tax dollar and gumming at the teat of of
Uncle Sugar.

Godspeed that day.

8. Christian Band Names

YESHUA SKYLINE

  • STRAW GODS
    THE ENGLISH BEATITUDES
    THE MESSIAHS OF SCREAMO
    HE WHO
    CHURCH OF THE NEW LORDS
    CRYSTAL MESSIAH
    I CAN SEE HIS HOUSE FROM HERE
    MOTH AND RUST
    THE HEARTFULLY SORRY
    EIDOLOCLASM
    THE FOUR MOPTOPS OF THE APOCALYPSE
    INCARNATION EVAPORATED MILK
    THE MISSALS OF ROCKTOBER
    ME LOVE HIM LONG TIME
    SYSTEM OF A DOGMA
    TO BRING A SWORD
    TEENAGE CENTURIONS FOR THE COMING ARMAGEDDON
    ARE YOU RUNNING WITH ME JESUS?
    THE GOD STANDARD
    INVISIBLE FURY
    THIS MAJESTICAL ROOF
    THE MIRACLE FOOLS
    DARKLY FAMISHED AT OUR FEASTING
    YESTERDAY’S HERETICS
    WONDERFUL AGITPROP
    BROSEPHUS
    THE JEW PUNCHERS
    NAKED WHORES WILL DIE
    UNCA ESPERANZA
    THE JESUS ENABLERS
    GOD KNOWS WHAT
    BOATS TO FOREVER
    FAITHFUL AND DISCREET SLAVE CLASS
    HE WHO IS GOD HAS SAID IT
    GOSPEL PLOW
    PROPHETS LOOKING BACKWARDS
    MISTER GODFINGER
    SAVAGE AMPITHEATRE
    MYSTIC APARTHEID
    NONBELIEVER, PLEASE
    THE SMITTEN
    MORE WONDERS OF THE INVISIBLE WORLD
    MESSIAH’S SCRATCHY FACE
    JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL
    FAT CHRISTIANS HAVE NO PRIDE
    GHOSTLY TRIO
    THE LORD DOG AND HIS SALIVATION ARMY
    FAKE TEARS OF MYRRH
    THE RELUCTANT MESSIAHS
    PASS THE MIGHTY WATERFALL
    SPEWING FORTH THE HOT PRISONER
    ZERO A.D.
    HUCKLEBERRY HELLHOUND
    THE WALLS OF EVERLASTING ROME
    JEHOVAH VACUUM CLEANER
    MESSIAH UP
    NEOLITHIC JESUS
    NOT SO FAST, HEATHENS
    PAGAN DOOM
    REVEREND DEVILLE
    THE ZEALOT ZONE
    ANIMA ACE
    LADY OF PAIN I ADORE YOU
    THE MOTHERS OF DIVINE INTERVENTION
    AX OF THE APOSTLES
    101 DAMNATIONS
    THERE AIN’T NO FLIES ON JESUS
    THE AKASIC RECORD COMPANY