THE INFORMATION #873
Women, can’t live with them, can’t live without them.–Erasmus
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART FIFTY-FIVE: KINGDOM COME
One night, Count Victor Justin strode into the Seven Stars and got more lushed-up than was his habit.
Something was apparently preying on his mind, because his speech was more tangled and disorganized than usual. After providing Pappy O’Day with a dose of his usual poison, he began to musingly murmur, almost as if thinking out loud, though his comments proved to be far more pointed than any mere soliloquy.
“‘Ooman is a peculiar beastie–mighty peculiar. Did you ever spy on her–look upon her doings when she think no one is around to spot her? I can guarantee you that within fifteen seconds, the vain little thing will begin primping herself in a mirror, or, for that matter, any bright and shiny surface. Women are monsters of vanity, and all their actions, howsoever delightful, are directed to that end. See how the little darlings preen? You see it in the wild quite a bit. A crow will strut even in the gutter, and always likes to fly around making a noise. And yet, a crow is good for nothing.
“A woman, at least, is good for one thing.
“You can always depend upon a woman to pick out and carefully select her mate. And to drop him cold when he no longer serves her purpose. Let’s face facts–men don’t need women. But women need men. Any man will do. We’re all infinitely replaceable, as far as women are concerned. Women are practical that way. All this talk about ‘love’. Let me tell you, Yob: It’s only a crazy man who counts on the fidelity of a woman. Proof being that women need to be courted. You can’t just go at ’em and say you want them, unless you’re talking to a Brum.
“Where was I?
“O, women are crazy anyhows. Why? Don’t axe me to explain. Who told you that I was an alienist? I’m a grifter, pure and simple. But my theory is this: Women are hard to please. Because all women want a perfect world, and they won’t brook no backsass when you tell ’em ‘taint possible. Oh, a women is mighty cute in her high-pitched, squeaky-voiced wrath! Reminds me of a child, she does. And they always hate it when you answer them back.
“Why must you track dirt onto the floor?”
“That’s what a broom’s for.”
“Why must you track mud into the house?”
“That’s what a mop is for.”
“Why can’t a have a darling grandfather clock like other people?”
“We ain’t like other people. besides, the sun’s right outside the window–there’s your clock.”
“Why can’t we have a maid?”
“Because I’m a grifter, and a grinning Senegambian wench would blab our darkest secrets all over town.”
“Why can’t we have a house?”
“It’s not wise for a grifter to remain rooted to one spot for too long.”
“Why can’t we have a baby?”
“A babby is the last thing we need, what with my having to travel–and you, having bats in your belfry.”
“Oh, Boo Hoo Hoo!”
“Boo Hoo Hoo indeed. Boo Hoo Hoo is their response to everything–the unanswerable argument. They always get what they want by crying–just like a child. Women are a lot like petted dogs. You neglect a lapdog at your peril. When you come home, you’ll see that he’s gotten in the garbage and strewn it across the floor and shredded all the paper. That’s his way of telling you you’re a bad master. Women are much the same. They’re like machinery–if you don’t lubricate ’em properly, they start to squeal.
“They’re also an awful lot like the Negro. Both are addicted to gaudy displays of fripperies. Stupid looking hats and ugly shoes are their mainstays. Only with women, it’s also the infernal buttons and bows. And corsets. Gad, what a monstrosity a corset is, with all them buckles, Yet women have this slave mentality that enables her to adapt. Same goes for brassieres.
“Another way the woman is like the Negro: Both are perpetually trying to draw attention to themselves. It wouldn’t be surprising to see one of ’em, bold as daylight, trying to steer a velocipede down a narrow cobblestone street, or shrieking their lungs out from the basket of a hot-air balloon.
“And there’s another way the woman and the Negro are the same. Both have a finely honed sense of the inappropriate and will cause a scene at the drop of hat. When women feel neglected, they will contrive an argument, just to get you to pay attention to them. And the smaller the offense, the bigger the resulting brouhaha. O, I’ve been places–and I’ve heard the hooty owl, I have.
“And, like the Negro, or a dog, sometimes you got to beat a woman with a slippery elm club, just to get their attention and to show them their place. Speakin’ of our four-legged friends, they’ll go ga-ga for a lap dog–disgusting is the word for how they do it. Kissing them on the mouth and all. Showing them the affection that properly belongs to the man. And, of course, it’s always the man who has to walk the beast. Imagine how he feels, walking down the street with a sissy-dog in tow, with all the neighborhood urchins letting out guffaws and the cop on the beat trying and failing to hide a snicker.
“Another trouble with a woman is that you always have to be patting her on the back, or again she’ll make with the Boo Hoo Hoo. And, furthermore, once she gets her hooks into you, then that’s all she wrote. Like most weaklings, women have an inordinate sense of their own importance. Feelings, it’s always about feelings with them. Feelings which, to be perfectly frank, I would be personally very happy to do without.
”I firmly believe that women shouldn’t go to school. They already have enough of an advantage over men, without giving them the wherewithal to read and write and cipher to the rule of three. Too much book-learnin ruins a man’s shootin’ eye, and makes a woman crazy. I firmly believe that.”
He paused to order another drink, then concluded.
“Wife is a mystery like no mother”
CLAMPDOWN (LIVE 1980)
THE SMART SET MAGAZINE
FAIRY TALE ORIGINS
Higher Dimensional Vs. Lower Dimensional Drugs
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
PLEASE SHUT UP: WHY SELF-PROMOTION AS AN AUTHOR DOESN’T WORK
6* DAILY UTILITY
THE STRANGE LIFE OF Q-TIPS
”FREEDOM KIDS” AT TRUMP RALLY
TEN HIGH-PAYING DIRTY JOBS
Jeb Bush’s Donors Are Giving Him Money Out of Pity
SYMPHONY NUMBER FOUR
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
“Has the world known a greater horror than what it witnessed on Tuesday when Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president of the United States? I don’t mean physical horror, like murders, genocide or sexual violence. I mean lingering existential dread, the kind of sick feeling that burns the inside of your stomach like you just drank a pint glass full of battery acid. We looked directly into the eternal abyss and were left forever changed by it.” –Dave Schilling, in The Guardian
RANDOM SARAH PALIN QUOTE GENERATOR
AUTOMATIC SARAH PALIN SPEECH GENERATOR
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
“Leaflet prepared for the Allies; “Life / Death”. “Life / Death”. Leaflet number AI-150-10-44-F. The “AI” indicates this leaflet is from Propaganda Abschnitts Offizer Italien, for use on the Allies fighting their way up the boot of Italy in 1944-1945. A nude woman (in a parody of Life magazine) gets the soldier’s attention, and on the back is a Skull / Deaths-Head in a British helmet; giving the soldiers something a) to live for (sex) while b) showing them what to expect (death). One of the most popular leaflet series, for obvious reasons.”