MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
Copyright 2016 Francis DiMenno
MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS: THE MODERN WISDOM CALENDAR
1. Star Wars is the Heart of Dorkiness.
2. Chipotle? It’s a good salmonella; it’s not a GREAT salmonella.
3. I thought this was a planet where men evolved from apes.
But then I went to a Donald Trump rally.
4. When it comes right down to it, the word ‘fascist’ means anything I command it to mean.
5. I am guessing that the liberal Kool Aid of which conservatives speak is supposed
to be an ideological witch’s brew consisting in unequal parts of secular humanism;
impractical unilateral disarmament schemes; parlor socialism; sneering at the flag,
and hatred of guns, police, hound dogs, and the military.
6. The Republicans are the party of whiskey, golf, and selfishness.
7. Anti-Obamaism is the pornography of the Paleocons.
8. Anti-Obamaism: Polity wants a cracker.
9. As an anarcho-syndicalist, I am deeply offended that the liberal state permits
libertarians to spew their right-wing fascist propaganda.
10. I am a Libertarian. An individualist slavishly devoted to Ayn Rand. I am a Conservative. I want to bring back 1950, except for the marginal tax rate. I am a Liberal. My personality is every bit as offensive as the injustices I wish to rectify. I am an Anarchist. An individualist who cannot stand talking to you unless you are also an anarchist. And even then, only through a bullhorn.
11. Maybe a group of patriots disguised as
Indians should dump the Tea Party movement into Boston Harbor.
12. Nowadays politics is a three ring circus in which the ringmasters are under
considerable pressure to roll out a new clown every now and again.
13. The current climate in this country is one of totalitarian
bullying. It’s time for a strong man to come along and put a stop to
it once and for all.
14. Democracy today is a wonderfully ingenious system in which the common people
voluntarily elect leaders who work against the interests of the common
15. If only the Democrats were smart. If only the Republicans were kind.
16. I’m a Democrat and I’m a Republican. First I pick your
pocket…then I keep the money for myself.
17. Ayn Rand is every bit as oppressive as the Communism she was attempting to discredit.
18. I’m not sure, but I think it was Ayn Rand’s feet that we saw under the
house at the beginning of The Wizard of Oz.
19. Xenophobes all ought to go back to where they didn’t come from.
20. Libertarianism is anarchy for shitheads.
21. The watching of sporting events is working class fanaticism in its socially approved form.
22. Conspiracy theories are sports for people who can’t get laid.
23. Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. But usually, I just order
24. Terrorism is the marijuana of the Generals. It makes them feel good even as their
thinking becomes hazy, and they end up spending a hell of a lot of money on it.
25. I never shop at Wal-Mart. I’d rather go to China and enslave the
peasants directly at the source.
26. I suppose that every time a bell was rung, Pavlov’s cat went out and
sucked the breath out of a baby.
27. Graffiti is just philosophy with the world “fuck” thrown in.
28. Kids–stay in school. Because we sure don’t want you around here.
29. Everybody repeat after me…..”Destroy all herd followers.”
30. My dad’s a meat and potatoes man. His arms are made of french fries and his legs are made of steak
…and I said to my mother, “What is this nightmare world you brought me into?”
31. My father said that if I work in a restaurant I’ll always eat. So I said, what if
I work in a crack house—would I always be nervous?
1. –Q:There’s a black History Month–why isn’t there a White History Month?
–A: EVERY month is White History Month.
2. Dodge? Ram…? Make up your fucking mind!
3. I learned a lot from my dog. How to roll around in my own filth. How to
kill chickens. How to piss on trees. And, best of all–how to beg
for treats with my genitalia exposed.
4. Face it–Starbucks is for people who wish they still used drugs.
5. Some people say I have my grandfather’s smile. That’s because I
stole his dentures.
6. My Dad was a hippie. He would say, “Son—I’m going to
teach you a lesson I’ll never remember.”
7. My dad was a liberal. So just to piss him off I brought a white girl home.
8. I’m a nonviolent hypocrite. You believe me–don’t you? Or do you
9. I had a job writing children’s books. I got put in the corner for
a time-out for using the word ‘poop.’ But the final straw was when they rejected my
masterpiece, WINNIE THE SHIT.
10. I believe that we should to be kind to animals. And THEN eat them.
11. I only buy rat poison which has never been tested on animals.
12. There’s this TV show that I just can’t seem to tear myself away from.
It’s all about brainwashing.
13. Ever notice how a guy having an orgasm starts to talk just like
14. The last time you were in a plane, did you ever want to buzz low
over Hiroshima–just for laughs?
15. Every mother is like Dr. Frankenstein and every father is like the
16. Aren’t you glad you’re a non-conformist? Don’t you wish everyone were?
17. My Uncle Jack said, “I’m a graduate of the school of Hard Knocks.”
So I said, “What did you major in–cliches?”
18. Am I paranoid? It depends on who wants to know.
19. If the election were held today…it would be November.
20. Surveys indicate that nine out of ten people have no opinions of their own.
And the rest are undecided.
21. Say what you will about the Zodiac Killer, but at least he brought
astrology into the mainstream.
22. Our whole neighborhood was poor, but some of the kids
were kind of snobby. They’d come over to my house and say,
“It’s a good paint chip; it’s not a GREAT paint chip….”
23. If I had a hammer…I’d go after Peter Paul and Mary.
24. Dating. At my age, it’s more like carbon dating.
25. They say that kids today are soft. But who needs children with
nicknames like ‘Sinbad’ and ‘Killer’ roaming around?
26. I joined Teetotallers’ Anonymous and took a fearless
moral Inventory of your shortcomings.
27. If a million chimps did manage to type Hamlet, I’ll bet there’d be
something in there about unicycles.
28. I’m a postmodern sort of hypocrite. I like to moan about psychic
imperialism while at the same time attempting to market myself as a commodity.
29. I’m anti-hierarchical–and I’ll stake my reputation on it.
1. A Bohemian is just a hobo with a bachelor’s degree.
2. And a socialist is a hobo with a PhD.
3. I grew up on an Indian reservation. We played cowboys and more cowboys.
4. I’ve been in jail a couple dozen times. But I’ve gone straight, I swear it.
You believe me–don’t you? Or do you want a little…trouble?
5. Liberals: Your obsession with fairness is every bit as oppressive
as the injustices you’re supposedly attempting to ameliorate.
Conservatives: Your fondness for unjust market forces is every bit as
oppressive as the collectivism you’re blatantly attempting to
suppress. Libertarians: Your…aww, you guys are fucking nuts.
6. Mormons practice polygamy, and yet they don’t drink?
Hmm–there’s something fishy going on here.
7. Billy Graham once said that heaven would be like an endless family reunion.
Sounds more like hell to me.
8. Marriage can make you psychotic. Seriously. Right after the honeymoon,
that’s when you start to hear the voices–“Get off your fat
ass”…”Get a job”….
9. If fish is brain food then why are cats so stupid?
10. There’s no business like show business. True. And there’s
also no shower like a golden shower–and for much the same reasons.
11. I finally proposed marriage. But she turned me down. Maybe I shouldn’t
have pretended my hand was replaced with a dinner fork. And maybe
I shouldn’t have spoken the proposal in burps.
12. Animal crackers. Aren’t they really just training wheels for carnivores?
13. Dogs really hate it when you blow crack smoke in their face. At
14. When I think back on all the years I wasted on self-pity,
I just want to curl up in the corner and die.
15. Polly wanna cracker? No–what Polly really want is a lesson in
16. I will not humiliate you with my passive aggressiveness–or so you hope.
17. This is no country for old memes.
18. Do not blame God for having created the atomic bomb, but Praise God
for not giving it to Frankenstein.
19. A fool and his money should talk to me.
20. Consider Christ’s resume: Fisherman, short order
cook, some light carpentry,public speaking experience,
fluent in Aramaic. Then ask yourself–would you hire this
hallucinating, bearded nomad? Well–would you?
21. Adult diapers? Listen, Mister–if they’re good enough for Christ
on the cross, then they’re good enough for ME.
22. I think it would have been fun to replace Jesus’s usual vinegar
sponge with Folger’s crystals.
23. The higher you are, the further you can spit.
24. Though honey is sweet, do not lick it off a bear cub.
25. What if the crucifixion were just a dice game that went terribly,
26. Nothing’s as good as it used to be, including this statement.
27. Can ANYBODY explain to me why we must eat pork to celebrate the
resurrection of a deceased freelance Jewish rabbi?
28. I hate to mention this, but by some definitions at least, the
resurrected Jesus was actually a zombie.
29. Man is the only animal who worries that he is only an animal.
30. Teach a man to fish and the durn fool will overfish the oceans.
31. Where there’s swill there’s a way.
1. High school is a hospital where they amputate your imagination.
2. The American Empire’s mythology is the commodification of all myth.
3. America is zoned for business, not beauty.
4. While the world about us rages, let’s go back to the media pages.
5. Facebook: Abandon hope, all ye who hit ‘enter’ here.
6. The simplest explanation is always this: They lied.
7. I like to pretend to be a soldier, so I can smoke in hospitals.
8. The half life of not getting the point is forever.
9. Driving is dada.
10. Masturbation is the poor man’s XBox.
11. Dare to be cautious!
12. My opinions, yes; my beliefs, maybe; my prejudices, never.
13. The world will ignore you. That’s its job.
14. The only thing more tiresome than the purblind slanders of
reactionaries are the self-styled verities of radicals.
15. Southerners are famous for their hospitality. They have some the
friendliest lynch mobs you’ll ever see.
16. Romantic engagements are an exercise in fertility.
17. If wishes were fishes, beggars would die of mercury poisoning.
18. Noisy contentment is an American’s default mode.
19. To be a hipster is to be 22 forever.
20. Hell is just one thing damned after another.
21. People with plates in their lips must be good at eating soup.
22. Just because I live on a mountain don’t make me no hillbilly, gol’ dang it
23. Cynics aren’t always right. But don’t bet on it, because the fix is in.
24. When you’re on a train to nowhere, it doesn’t really matter how
fast you’re going.
25. “I thought of you.” Say, rather, I had the presence of mind to say as much.
26. I’ll bet if we changed our name to “The United States of
Vengeance,” foreigners would stop messing with us.
27. I think it would be interesting to send a rocket ship filled with
moths to visit the sun.
28. If Hitler ever wore cologne, I’ll bet it smelled a lot like cabbage.
29. I’ve never met the Antichrist personally, but I’ll bet he has a
huge collection of Bratz dolls.
30. Led Zeppelin were the Beatles of the 1970s, but that’s like calling
someone the cleanest whore at the Mustang Ranch.
1. When I was little, I ate coffee soup for breakfast, which is
coffee, bread, milk and sugar. That was a great breakfast and I am
just fine fine fine FINE!!!
2. True courtesy consists of not noticing that most people are dying
in plain sight.
3. I’m not pithy. I’m not even angwy.
4. They say fascists have short weenies. LIES! All LIES!!
5. There’s this TV show about compulsive behavior that I just can’t seem to
tear myself away from.
6. Pate is just baloney with an in-your-face attitude.
7. A Walnut is just a sunflower seed who made the Fortune 500.
8. I like to hang a catnip mouse over the crib–so when kitty gets bored
with sucking the breath out of baby, he can bat the mouse around
for a little change of pace.
9. When I hear the word culture, that’s when I reach for my copy of
“That’s When I Reach for My Revolver”.
10. Be yourself, but be sure to do it just like everybody else.
11. God’s curse is on the man who always says what needs to be said.
12. Stand up comedy: The rattling of a shtick inside a shithouse.
13. We only like novel ideas if they are old.
14. Fun for the whole family never is.
15. Corn is the American default mode.
16. The world will always say yes to one thing: more punishment.
17. If only my work could be translated into French and reviewed in
Britain, my fortune would be made in America.
18. Only an optimist opens a letter labeled “Do Not Ignore”.
19. “Mythology” is what we call crazy stories by dead weirdos that bore us to tears.
20. We are all foolish children, skating along upon our own frozen sewage.
21. Hitler. Say what you like about the man, but he was the world’s
most famous vegetarian.
22. Life for the most part is the process of merely riding ones biases
to their finale.
23. Acts of God are closer than they appear.
24. One time when I was a boy, I knocked over a bottle of Ballantine
Ale. My mother said, “You kids! See what I mean! We can never have
25. If it’s raining cats and dogs I sure do hope they manage to
resolve their differences on the way down.
26. Tom Clancy is John LeCarre for drunks.
27. I’m neurotic, you’re eccentric, he’s psychotic, they are the enemy.
28. “Boulevardier” is French for “filthy-minded old creep.”
29. I was in the movie The Hillbilly Godfather. Surely you remember the
famous line: “Leave the musket. Take the pork rinds.”
30. I think static cling is probably God, trying to tell us something.
31. One time a woman was breast-feeding her baby in the restaurant and
I was her waiter so I had to go over and say, “Excuse me, Miss–we don’t
allow beverages from the outside.”
1. I was made to feel like a stranger in my own home. Only it turns
out, it wasn’t my home at all…which is why I’m writing this from
2. My apartment came furnished, which is great, because I wouldn’t
want to have to go out and BUY cockroaches.
3. When waiters insist on telling me their name, I tell them that MY name is
“Feed Me and Live.”
4. I like to hang out at the Alzheimer’s lounge–a place where
everybody knows my name–except me.
5. When they say a certain toilet paper is softer than the leading brand,
what they don’t tell you is that the leading brand is old leaves and tree bark.
6. I know this Hobo who was a Roman Catholic. He gave up sterno for Lent.
7. My friends want me to get a computer. Why? So I can fuck things up
at the sped of light?
8. I think they should build heartless shelters, where the heartless can go
to hide from the homeless. I guess in same places they already have them–
they call them “gated communities.”
9. No Irony. Washy only.
10. In Cyberspace, everyone can hear you scream. And nobody
gives a damn.
11. Overwrought rhetoric is patently untrue nearly 99 per cent of the
time. Why? BECAUSE I SAY SO!
12. Never trust any list chosen by a “committee of experts”.
13. Relax. Or else.
14. There will always be a market for transcendental masturbation.
15. Entertainers are power clowns.
16. Coffee without caffeine is blasphemy. Caffeine without coffee is idolatry.
17. It all depends on whose sacred cow is being gored.
18. Listen, Mister: I’m so deadly that when you look for my name in
the dictionary, you see a picture of death. And then you die. Sucker.
19. Most overachievers eventually find themselves stranded alone at
the top of the poison tower.
20. If Hitler had won we would all be watching genocidal game shows.
21. Kiddiekult books hinge upon stories which largely depend upon the
supernatural resolution of teenage angst
22. TV is a soft surrealism for brains hooked on artificial sunlight.
23. The role of capitalism is to constantly reincentivize profligacy.
24. Almost everything that takes place in the office can be characterized
as “Stupid Coffee Tricks”.
25. I think that if I ever open a bar, I’ll call it “He’s Not Here.”
26. I’m a jolly sort of guy. I love to share a husky laugh in the
courthouse elevator with policemen I don’t really know…yet.
27. On the weekends I let myself do whatever I want to do, because I
strongly believe in having spontaneous fun on a very regimented
28. An elephant never forgets. But what does an elephant have to
remember? Peanuts? The hook? Or maybe that soulful clown he mutilated
back in Cincinnati….
29. Ha ha, it’s my birthday, so today I get to tell the President what to do.
(Note: It’s not really my birthday. Also, the President doesn’t return
30. Our lives do not belong to us. We are, all of us, merely a tiny
part of a vast web of interconnectivity. To maintain otherwise is
simply a comforting self-delusion. So gimme a dollar.
1. I have never once met an Irishman who said, “They’re after me
2. They will take away my copy of “Gandhi On Non-Violence” when they
pry it from my cold dead fingers.
3. Ideologies are like fine wines–they need to be swirled around in
the mouth then vigorously spat out–never swallowed.
4. We are one nation dedicated to the Preposition: that.
5. Watch out when people call you “Sir”, because what they really
mean is “Fatso”
6. Sitcoms are recipes for narcissism.
7. My religion is simple: I worship remote celebrities.
8. Surfing the what promotes a short what what?
9. The penis: It’s strong enough for a man…but women like it too.
10. Illegal fireworks, some pipe bombs and a little meth? Where I
come from, that’s called “a cheap date”.
11. Depression is just anger under heavy sedation.
12. I guess Arena rock concerts are the American gulag.
13. Potato Salad. It’s ice cream for adults.
14. Bacon is pork candy.
15. O positive and AB negative walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We
don’t serve your type in here!”
16. If an alien came to earth and said take me to your leader I think
that on the way I would suggest we stop at the International House of
Pancakes, just to give him a taste of the sheer diversity of this kooky planet of ours.
17. Sure, I used drugs in college. But I didn’t exhale.
18. Am I paranoid? No! Who sent you?
19. Good thing Fats Domino and Chubby Checker ain’t around to meet
their successor–Arteriosclerotic Backgammon.
20. My brilliant product launch, Baby’s First Ice Cream, was a
smashing success–until the FDA discovered that it contained 25%
alcohol by volume.
21. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from our foreign policy, it’s
this: The more illusory the enemy, the more ruthlessly he must be
22. Like most Americans, I still believe that the only way to stop
tyrants is to take over the earth.
23. Like most Americans, I think the government has too much power.
And, like most Americans, I think the government should do something
24. Someday I hope to see an America where all my ideas about
individuality have been adopted.
25. Someday I hope to see an America where all my ideas about
individual enterprise have been made compulsory.
26. I was at a job interview and they asked me how fast I type. I said
120 words a minute. They said, “Really?” And I said, “Yeah, but they’re not really words.”
27. Not all Sicilians are in the mob, you know. Some of them are tied
up in the trunk.
28. I had a job throwing gasoline on fires. Well, actually, it wasn’t
really a job–it was sort of more like a favor I did for a very burly man I owed a
lot of money to….
29. I have found that when the pundits disagree with me, they are
idiots and traitors, but when they happen to share my point of view,
they become peculiarly insightful savants and I marvel to discover to
what degree their thinking has matured.
30. The Crayola Crayon people had a “Flesh” color for many years.
Until the so-called “politically correct” brigade made them replace it
with a color called “Evil Colonizers and Oppressors of the Downtrodden
31. They don’t manufacture nostalgia the way they used to.
1. I’ll bet that if King Kong had been wearing a tuxedo and bow tie they wouldn’t
have been so quick to shoot him down.
2. Employers are getting more strict. Trust me: Your boss will not
like it when he asks you why you’re late, and you tell him that you’re
operating on “Yabba Dabba Do Time”.
3. Sometimes I fear that the only way to prosper in this world is to
sell broken toys to sick children. Or start a cult religion. Or do I
4. Listen, “Big Man”: Sarcasm is the default mode of the second rate.
And self-referential irony of the fourth-rate.
5. I’m not keeping up with the Joneses. I’m jonesing just to keep up.
6. Invective? Define “invective,” chump!
7. We Belong Dead Mix: Frankenstein Asks for It By Name!
8. Perhaps we should replace our interfaith councils with interface
councils, so that we might better serve the great god of Cloud
9. Have a nice day, my psychotic friend! Wait! Put down th-
10. Listen: It ain’t over ’til the magic brownies say so.
11. Restaurants are the church of the middle class; libraries, of the
lower middle class.
12. My obsessions are scholarly. Those of other people are characteristic
of idiots, maniacs, and assholes.
13. Adults acting like children used to be humorous. Now it’s simply the norm.
14. In America we celebrate our individuality through commodity fetishism.
15. Pick one pocket, it’s a crime. Pick a thousand pockets,
and it’s called ‘market research’.
16. You know what’s most ugly about America? Its optimism.
17. Running away from your problems never solved anything, but at
least you get a nice full cardio-pulmonary workout.
18. Did you ever notice how everybody else always ruins it for a few assholes?
19. I don’t like a man until I’ve figured him out, and then I hate him
for being so transparent.
20. I may have been the architect of my own undoing—but at least I
cared enough to call in an architect!
21. Do you know who I’d like to have dinner with? Einstein. You say
he’s dead? Good. More food for me!
22. Someday the sun is going to supernova. And that’s just the sort of
thing that makes my blood boil.
23. Maybe if we ignore minimalism, it will go away. But then again,
how would we know for sure?
24. I’d like to meet a Tyrannosaurus Rex, just so I could tell him that
his arms are too short to box with God.
25. At least one of the Ten Chimp Commandments probably has something
to do with coveting bananas.
26. Starbucks is the opiate of spendthrifts.
27. My apartment smells like cat piss. And the hell of it is, I don’t
own a cat. Or live in an apartment. Or have a sense of smell.
Who am I? What am I doing here?
28. Cant is the received wisdom of the people.
29. The ‘death penalty’ is an ugly expression. Let’s call it something
nice. Like ‘Putting the killers to sleep’.
30. Tell me: What must I do to get some respect around here? Beg on my
knees like an animal?
31. Ideology–melts in your mind, not in your mouth.
1. We hold our self-evidences to be truth.
2. All politics is loco.
3. People are always trying to get an edge in word-wise.
4. Lying is for children. Real men prevaricate.
5. I once had a parrot who spoke 70 languages. Unfortunately, all of
them sounded like “AAAWWRK!”
6. Only women have a “soulmate”. Maybe because only women have souls.
7. Men are good at fixing things. They can fix anything. Except the
broken hearts of women.
8. Back in the Good Old Days the Army was just College for drunks.
9. I think my biggest “not so good” attribute is probably Evil.
10. Don’t laugh at your dog when he sniffs at someone’s crotch. You do the very same thing on Facebook.
11. Mary Oliver writes poetry for people who like to have words on posters with pictures of animals on them.
12. Perspective is key. You call it trickle down economics. I call it a Golden Shower.
13. Why do dogs rub up against things that smell bad? For the same reason we watch the evening news.
14. Man is born free but he is everywhere asked for spare change.
15. Who can ever forget the Beatles song “Tomorrow Never Knows,” which
John Lennon sang in the voice of Tennessee Tuxedo?
16. Time was, I used to sleep with a different woman every night.
Turns out, she was actually the same woman, but with a multiple
17. Does the word “manic-depressive” take a hyphen? SOMETIMES I THINK
IT DOES! And…other…times…I just don’t…care….
18. I took too many placebos and now I think I’m sick, but I’m not, really.
19. Why do men worship God? I suppose for the same reason dogs bark
when you run the garbage disposal.
20. I wish my dog would stop drinking out of the toilet. Or at
least that he would wait until after I was done pissing.
21. At one time I had such low self-esteem that all my sexual
fantasies revolved around the Flintstones. You may scoff, but that
Dino sure do have a purty mouth.
22. I have two devils on my shoulders. One’s a good devil. The other
one’s…just a fuckin’ devil, I guess.
23. A bum asked me for a smoke so I gave him a cigarette and he tore
the filter off and so I said to him, “No wonder you people are
homeless–you destroy everything you touch….”
24. Just yesterday I saw a homeless man, teaching his dog to beg. You know what? IT’S A
25. We are being smothered to death by stories. Or at least, that’s my version.
26. Where God is in demand devils are also in demand.
27. There’s no conspiracy needed to rule us in a carnival of hell.
28. Nostalgia is more than what it used to be.
29. I have decided that other peoples and cultures are also valuable, in
their own frightening and repulsive way.
30. Define IRONY? Oh, yeah, RIGHT! That’ll be EASY!!!
1. Tell me–Who named the EU? A teenage girl?
2. What we really need are more Cruelty-Free Egos from Free-Range Poetry.
3. This hurricane thing is blowing out of all proportion.
4. They say that Jesus turned the water into wine. Nowadays, that’s
called “enabling behavior.”
5. Do not dwell upon the mistakes you have made in the past–focus
instead on the mistakes you intend to make in the future.
6. I had a dog. So I bought a special dog whistle only he could hear. And
I spanked him with a special dog newspaper only he could read. The
headline read, WOOF WOOF WOOF! BAD DOG! BAD!
7. I’m marketing a Bible for children. It’s called “The Bib”. The Old Testament
is just one word: “No.” And the New Testament is also one word:
8. Recently, I also invented a religion for dogs. It’s called “Heel.” The
Old Testament is one word: “Sit.” And the New Testament is two words:
9. Since Jesus’ blood was wine, does that mean He was always drunk?
10. I do not have any messianic delusions. At least, that’s what God
11. I remember my most embarrassing moment. I was being
crucified, and the Roman Centurion offered me a sponge soaked in wine,
and I had to admit I was a recovering alcoholic.
12. Jesus died for our sins. Couldn’t you say the
same thing about King Kong, Cool Hand Luke, and Frankenstein?
13. I like to go to Weight Watchers meetings and leave chocolate-flavored
farts in the vestibule.
14. I wanted to be a boxer, but I never made the grade. So instead, I
just walk around in swimming trunks and punch people.
15. I don’t much care for fall foliage. Who needs to see plant life
wither on the vine? I get enough of that at work.
16. Halloween. Ever notice that kids dress up like witches and
hoboes–the people we used to throw in dungeons and burn? What about
30 years down the road–are they going to dress up like Syrians and Iraqis?
17. Ordering take-out is the opiate of middle classes.
18. Here’s my motto: End racism–let the class warfare begin.
19. All my best friends are bullies. (Not really—they just make me say
20. Sometimes even my best friends say I’m psychotic, usually the minute
after they wrestle the shotgun from my sweaty fists.
21. Journalists are a lot like garbage men. Only garbage men take the
22. Journalists are also a lot like doctors. Only doctors try to CURE the cancer.
23. When people say to me, “Just who do you think you are?” I say,
“Shut up! That’s who I am! Now shut up!” Needless to say, I don’t get
invited to a lot of parties.
24. Here’s what is a crying baby trying to tell you: “Stop having fun and look at my screaming face.”
25. I’m afraid they’re going to replace me with a computer. Once they
invent a computer that literally does nothing all day.
26. I hate people who claim they meditate. I wish they’d sit
down and shut up.
27. Nearly everyone in Canada can read and write. But what do they
have to write home about? “Dear Mom, It snowed. Again. Love, Pierre.”
28. All French people who try to speak English sound like Yogi Bear.
29. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…but so does a hand grenade.
30. A carrot improves your vision at night–but so does a hand grenade.
31. An apple cleans your teeth –but so does a hand grenade.
1. It’s fun to go shopping. But it’s even more fun to go shopping
with a hand grenade.
2. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But what I
need to know is what keeps the policeman away.
3. A carrot improves your vision at night. Just when you need it the
most–when you’re asleep.
4. Nothing’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Except maybe one
monkey…in a barrel…giving you…that special…little…smile.
5. The Pope said drug addiction is grounds for divorce. I say
marriage…is grounds for drug addiction.
6. My girlfriend’s an existentialist–so I gave her a disengagement ring.
7. I don’t like to use the word ‘shit.’ I prefer to call it something
nice, like ‘Brown monuments to a healthy appetite.’
8. A schizophrenic always demands your divided attention.
9. Everybody repeat after me…..”Destroy all conformists.”
10. All those who prefer not to answer rhetorical questions, would you
raise your hands?
11. They’re remaking “A Streetcar named Desire” for the pay-per-view
market–of course, they’re jazzing it up a bit– now they’re calling
it “Fucking Trolley Sluts.”
12. Every little breeze seems to whisper ‘Louise.’ I beg
you…please…make it stop. MAKE IT STOP!!
13. I’ve got Malcolm X-ray Specs–they enable me to see through white
14. Join the army! Be a hostage and see the world–or at least, a very
small part of it!
15. I wish that the government would outlaw ME–so I could be sold in
front of housing projects for twenty bucks a gram!
16. When punk rockers retire, I guess they’ll get anti-social security.
17. They say a dog bite is worse than human bite. I say that most people
don’t lick their own assholes.
18. I went to my dentist. He’s also my psychiatrist. He told me that my
cavities are all in my head.
19. I am good at resisting temptation. Until nobody’s looking.
20. I am disappointed by God. His early stuff was hardcore, with all the
floods and maimings and stuff. That’s because Warner/Reprise treated
Him right. Gave Him room to stretch. But Clive Davis just dumped so
much moolah on Him that He just couldn’t say no. Then he went all
softy on us. Must have been after he signed with Arista. Same thing
happened with Clapton.
21. It’s no good to be original if nobody wants to copy you.
22. The mass of men are and have always been populated and dominated
by superstitious bumpkins addicted to all forms of sophisticated
23. The unintelligent have one insuperable advantage over the
intellectuals–they can always strategically retreat into the
territory of their boundless ignorance.
24. There is no absurdity so gross that someone, somewhere, will not
trumpet it as the revealed truth.
25. We speak of a cold, impersonal and random universe. Is there any
26. When I hear the word ‘Anthropology,’ that’s when I reach for my machete.
27. This is a ‘job’ for irony man.
28. Society brainwashes us all. That’s what society is FOR.
29. Someone, somewhere, must surely still believe that the poor can never
get enough of the vogueish obsessions of the bourgeoisie.
30. Disneyland: The Stalinization of kitsch.
1. “Nice” usually means “stupid.”
2. “Excuse me.” Translation: “Please get out of my way.”
3. Man’s Motto: The guilty must suffer. Time’s Motto: The innocent must
4. Negative Equity Is “The New Black”.
5. B Negative. My blood type. Also my personal philosophy
6. I don’t need coffee. I already have a bitter taste in my mouth
first thing in the morning.
7. A consensus mentality is tyranny in its most modern form.
8. Hamlet Noir: “Ophelia was a swell-looking Dane.”
9. Before you condemn anybody, look deep into your own heart. And
then condemn them.
10. All fashion is merely protective coloration.
11. Mass media is mostly a stained-glass window for imbeciles.
12. Remember: When someone calls you “Boss,” it usually means “asshole.”
13. The trope of the Unexpected Menace is resonant because it’s nature’s
14. Sitcom spin-offs: The law of infantile regression.
15. Reality television essentially supplants the former occupation of
throwing cowshit at the village idiot.
16. I saw the musical legend. Well, me, and about 60,000 other people.
Still, that makes me special–in fact, it makes me something of a
legend myself. Consider yourself privileged to have read this anecdote
from me, the man who saw…the musical legend!
17. Every social class teaches you to be stupid in its own way.
18. Man’s Motto: The guilty must suffer. Time’s Motto: The innocent must
19. Texting: Compulsive grooming behavior of the amphetamine monkey.
20. If Sinatra were starting his career today, he’d probably call himself
something like “Frankie Rapemaster.”
21. The unique importance of our own childhood experiences is an illusion
indispensible to every generation.
22. OCD Brand–you gotta have it. You just GOTTA!
23. Save the country from commercialism–win valuable prizes!
24. Merry Christmas: This statement features two lies.
25. Self control is the opiate of the bourgeoisie.
26. Nice thing about being an exile is that you never have to buy
27. The Little Drummer Boy was a stage hog.
28. To an American who isn’t a Christian, the Christmas
season must seem like National False Messiah Month.
29. The alcoholic is easy to shop for at Christmastime.
30. Here’s a secret: Santa Claus eats children. Where do you think he
gets that belly?
31. You have put on your blindfold and you call it your philosophy.