The three women left the Seven Stars bar en masse, and Count Victor Justin lost some of his sly look as he he drunkenly held forth to Pappy O’Day and Tipsy Smith. “Ye damn well better listen and listen good, ” said he. “I’m buyin’.”
Indeed, Pappy O’Day, old as the the ball-headed rascal was, looked remarkably invigorated as the schooners of beer kept rolling across the scarred wooden surface of the bar.
“Feed the sick,” said the Count, “clothe the hungry, comfort the naked. That’s my motto. And that there’s my religion, too. I’ll admit that maybe I got it mixed up backwards. But don’t never say I ever say my prayers backwards.That’s how you summon the Evil One. You know what I mean.
“Some say the that money is the root of all evil. I wouldn’t go that far. But what is life? In this country it’s all about John Davis. Jack. Gelt. Moolah. The devil’s dung. I’ll admit; when I had it, I spent it. I was never selfish. Pewter is made to be spent, if not outright squandered. Otherwise, it sticks to your soul the most. Like a wart. Who wants that?
“I knew a man–a mingy old miser–he died broke. Got caught up in a stock market swindle. Sometimes it’s the greediest duffers who suffer the most. God almighty catches up to ’em. And sometimes it’s the blameless. The guilty must suffer. And it’s all a crapshoot. The innocent must suffer too. Love is Ready John and Ready John is love. Spread your dimmock wherever you go, and you’re sure to be remembered when you die. Like a squirrel and his nuts. Don’t laugh. Up at the park one time I seen a baby squirrel go toe to toe with a bulldog to protect his acorns. Bulldog got the worst of it. The furry little critter wouldn’t quit.
“What wouldn’t a man do for money? Climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest river? Only a chump gives it away for free. Honesty? Tell me, then, who is honest? Only the drunk. Too foozled to lie, and he doesn’t want to anyway. That’s why if you’re going to gamble in card games, you need to know how to hold your liquor. Even the most cunning drunks will tell the truth, but everybody else will lie when it suits them. Oh, they’ll refer to it as prevarication…or they’ll tell you that you needn’t worry, it’s only a white lie, but the truth is a scarce commodity anywhere you go. The only people who tell the truth are the people you don’t listen to. The crazy ones. I read a fairy story about that, once, somewhere.
“Why do they tell you to save for a rainy day? It’s always raining somewhere. I say let us buy the things that money can buy, and let the goo-goos worry about the rest. I’ll take it one step further. I say, why not worship posh? Cash Money Down is the best way to fully experience life. Wooing women without having palm oil to spread around is like wooing an old maid who’s no beauty. There’s no future in it. None. And it’s easier to make friends with brass. Lots and lots of it. How else are you going to stand for drinks withouten you have the ooftish? Eh, Tipsy?
“Money–worthless? No, my friend, it isn’t so, and please note that the poets who tell you that the hard stuff has no worth are always the first in line when the free drinks are being handed out. Because people with no chips may be pure at heart, though I doubt it, but one thing’s for sure–they have no pride. Give them diamonds, furs and gold–and see how quickly they give them up.
“Your noble poverty is cold comfort indeed, you lilies of the field! The idea of happiness without hay is a cruel joke. Only the most insolent whippersnapper would even countenance the idea. You can be sure that the man who says he hates money also hates America, and our American way of life. And is a sucker, to boot. Just waiting for a chance to show how greedy he can be.
“You may note that I say “he”–no woman has ever been known to preach such twaddle, Women, for all their monstrous traits, are wise–and they know better. They know about the inner calm a fat bankroll can bring. Why else do they always chatter ceaselessly about “pin money” and the like? Behind every rich man is likely a good woman who pushed him along and socked away the ducats one at a time.
“Most fellers would rather snooze and fish. Believe me; I know. But there’s nothing else like having chinkers. Ochre is like a magic wand–wave it around, and good things start to happen.
“Even better than having your own Yaller Boys to spend is having the use of someone else’s. But here’s the downside–there’s no challenges left once you’re sitting on a huge pile of muck. That’s why you have to spend it all–so that you’re forced to go out and make more. That’s why some people never stop trying to get one over–on you and everyone else–they’re scared to death that if they stop moving, they will die.
“Even God is not immune to the lure of Shiners. Has He ever said so? I don’t know about it. “Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom?” Haww….
“That is why I have no compunction whatsoever about swindling some sucker out of his bankroll. Chances are, he got his pelf through some crooked means. The man who earns his stumpy honest-like ain’t so quick to wager it on a fool’s errand. There is, I’ll warrant, a kind of fool that’s sloppy with his wad no matter how it was earned. Because it takes all kinds.
“I find that most honest folk are different, but every single dishonest man is exactly the same. The experienced practitioner need only look to the gleam in a rogue’s eye. Take his tin away from him and you plunge a knife through his heart, but it’s all for the good. He learns a valuable lesson. At least, it is to be hoped. A lesson worth every bit of the lost coppers!
“I believe in charity. To a point. Mostly for Yours Truly. Some say you should put your money where your mouth is. I say you should make sure you have enough of the actual to begin with–before you even open your gob.”
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
Keith Richards’ 20 Greatest Songs
KEITH RICHARDS ON RAP
Carson has been relatively obscure – so here are a few of his best hits:
1) On whether being gay is a choice: “Because a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight” and when they come out, they’re gay. So, did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question.”
2) On political correctness: “I mean, [our society is] very much like Nazi Germany. And I know you’re not supposed to say ‘Nazi Germany,’ but I don’t care about political correctness. You know, you had a government using its tools to intimidate the population. We now live in a society where people are afraid to say what they actually believe.”
3) On the IRS: “You know, we live in a Gestapo age, people don’t realize it.”
4) On Advanced Placement history class: “I think most people, when they finish that course, they’d be ready to go sign up for ISIS.”
5) On veterans dying waiting for medical care from the Department of Veterans Affairs: “I think what’s happening with the veterans is a gift from God to show us what happens when you take layers and layers of bureaucracy and place them between the patients and the health care provider. And if we can’t get it right, with the relatively small number of veterans, how in the world are you going to do it with the entire population?”
6) On Obamacare: “You know, Obamacare is really, I think, the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery. And it is, in a way, it is slavery in a way because it is making all of us subservient to the government.”
7) On Obama’s appearance: When a colleague said the president “looks clean. Shirt’s white. The tie. He looks elegant,” Carson responded: “Like most psychopaths. That’s why they’re successful. That’s the way they look. They all look great.” He later said: “But he knows he’s telling a lie! He’s trying to sell what he thinks is not true! He’s sitting there saying, ‘These Americans are so stupid I can tell them anything.’”
8) On similarities between the Founding Fathers, who were “willing to die for what they believed,” and ISIS: “They’ve [ISIS] got the wrong philosophy, but they’re willing to die for what they believe, while we’re busily giving away every value and every belief for the sake of political correctness.”
9) On the importance of the GOP winning the Senate in 2014: In August, Carson said he couldn’t be sure “there will even be an election in 2016” if Republicans didn’t go on to win that fall. (His wife also said they were keeping their son’s Australian passport handy if the election didn’t go their way.)
That’s right. That’s the guy who just tied Donald Trump in the poll. The GOP just confirmed that bat-shit crazy is the now officially the way forward in their party.