THE INFORMATION #844
JULY 10, 2015
Copyright 2015 FRANCIS DIMENNO
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART TWENTY-SIX: KINGDOM COME
“Bad as Alderman Tyler is,” said Count Victor Justin to Tipsy Smith the Barkeep and the incredibly wizened Pappy O’Day, “and he’s a very smelly fart blossom indeed, but he’s a bloomin’ angel next to the Judge. You know the one I mean; there’s only one in these here parts; he’s a fat, mealy-mouthed, huffing, puffing, coughing, throat-clearing low-down varmint, as they say out west, as goes by the name of Rance Sniffle, and his very name is a byword for all manners of corrupt practices. Everything a crooked judge can do, he HAS done, and more. Not to get all lawyerly on you, but I clerked in a law office for a spell and I’ve picked up some of their lingo. Suborned perjury, has he? Check. Given complicated instructions to the jury in a case he wants to fix? Check. Intimidated witnesses on the stand when they go against the status quo? Check. Set a tiny bond in murder cases when the Cutter is known to him? Check. Cry order in the court when the courtroom is empty? Check.
“How so? Dead drunk for a nickel, that’s how. I’ve known him to not only preside while drunk; I’ve also never seen him when he isn’t slightly sozzled on hundred-proof Caper Juice. I have no brief agin him for that; don’t serve me no cat-lap; I like to hoist a glass or two myself, and sometimes more than two.
“But the Judge, he takes I hear tell Bumpers Round and No Heel Taps to new heights. I hear tell he causes a row at the whorehouse when the bugs start crawling over him and the rats and monkeys and devils start to whisperin’ in his ears and dancing in front of his eyes. He starts swearing to Diabolus that he never sold his soul to Him; and then he starts beatin’ on the whores something fierce. And, chances are, he’s soiled not only his own undergarments but his other clothing as well. And he blames them for that as well.
“And by day this is the very same Judge who adjudicates domestic disputes. Usually by telling the little woman to go back to her irate brute of a husband.
“Now, I’m sure the Judge is a man like any other, and he has his own great sorrows and small regrets. I don’t know him; and I’ve known him for twenty years. We all know how fast that goes. But as far as I can tell, the man is a monster; half insane. I told ye both before that I’m no Saint—I probably wouldn’t be one even if it was easy—but I’ll define myself by what I am not, thank you. I’m not a monster—this I know to be true. I may know a little Greek, and I may be a bad actor on occasion; I may even be a villain, but I never took a red cent from any man as couldn’t afford to be took, and furthermore, I’ll tell the world that Judge Rance Sniffle is a dyed-in-the-wool cobweb-mouthed cranberry-eyed waffle-faced rogue, half fool, half rascal, and all Devil. Like any heathen animal, he’ll never look you directly in the eye for more than a second, which in his case means that everything he has ever said to you has been a lie. Like an animal, he always makes himself at home in his den, and wherever he happens to be he makes into his den. He doesn’t even turn around twice before settling in. Either he is the most purblind or the most confident man I ever caught wind of, and maybe he’s both. Near everyone is afraid of him. The Police Commissioner dasn’t make a move agin’ him; the newspapermen dasn’t write a sour word; even the wild boys of the street know better than to get in his way. The Judge has never been married and has no natural children, as he hates women and pushes them away. But there’s word in the wind that a little birdie told me–that half the wild bastards who choke the street peddling their papers with their cries of Wuxtry are actually the sons of the Judge, and don’t ask about the daughters; they’re probably in convent schools at best. ‘Sister, what are the facts about my Daddy?’ ‘He’s a Very Important Man, and you should pray for him.’ Haw!
“Now, the Judge may be a law in and of himself, but he’s not infallible. It’s been said that the Honor Guard of the Gib Yellof has made a fool of The Judge more than once, but you see that the Gib Yellof and the Judge are very tight—unusually tight—and come to find out the whole thing was an elaborate charade to throw off the Goo-Goos as were seeking the Judge’s removal from the bench. You can bet they didn’t get very far! I’m sure the judge was debating with himself inside of his own drunken head.
‘Hmm. Kack, Humph. If I let this scoundrel go it will cause a ruckus. If I put him in jail, it will cause a riot. Best I should adjudicate upon the side of caution.’
“I’m warning you young man, one more comment like that and you’ll be held in contempt of court.”
‘Haww….There, that should quiet him. Thanks he’s Captain Grand. Where’s my water glass with my special secret medicine?’
“I am ordering you to be released on your own cognizance, but I warn you that one more further offense while you’re out on the streets will result in your immediate return to prison with no possibility of appeal.”
‘There, that should settle his hishee hashee.’
“Small Wonder, I say, that life in Noxtown is red in tooth and claw. Look at the caliber of men who are sworn to uphold the law. Police Captain Tom Aston is as corrupt a Yellof as they come. And Judge Rance Sniffle never returns repleviable items without taking his own cut. The Sod! I don’t know how the Judge’s story will turn out, but I know his end cannot be a happy one. Some disaster is sure to strike, and make him long to be back in the arms of his Dear Old Mammy. All I can say is that there’s going to be a storm. And damn soon.”
50 GREATEST PROG ROCK ALBUMS OF ALL TIME
Max Nordau’s DEGENERATION.
Things Moms say:
That’s why we can’t have nice things.
You’ll put your eye out.
How was school?
Don’t make me come over there.
Pennsylvania brewery honoring Joe Paterno with special beer
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
TEN MOST HATED TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME
6* DAILY UTILITY
TEN BIGGEST FAST FOOD CHAINS IN THE WORLD
LOST PET FLYERS GALLERY
GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE MAY OFFSET 50 YEARS OF HEALTH PROGRESS
THIRTEEN REPUBLICANS MOST LIKELY TO WIN THE WHITE HOUSE
MOVIE TITLES THAT SOUND LIKE POOPING
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
GOODFELLAS IN SIX MINUTES
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
803. Teddy Bear Vagina Cake Ruins Christening