THE INFORMATION #832
APRIL 17, 2015
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself. –Charlie Chaplin
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER TEN: PART FOURTEEN: KINGDOM COME
Count Justin Victor addressed the remaining denizens of the Seven Stars Saloon, which included Adam O’Day, his Father, Tipsy Smith, and myself. “Adam O’Day. Some call him the worst kind of fool. Some call him the best. Ain’t that right, Adam? Always the showboat; never the tugboat.
“Look at that big old barge-ass just settin’ there, squintin’ up at me with his blinkers jolting out of his fat phiz, a flabby grin plastered on his dozy mug. There’s no fool like an addle cove; he lets himself be cheated by all the sharpers and blacklegs in town; this I know, for I readily confess myself to be among their number; but I personally do not deign to lower myself to indulge in such easy pickin’s and perform flabberdegaz on a flat unless I’m in a profoundly sorrowful way. But that don’t stop every acrimonious hoaxter and spiteful double-dealer for miles around from trying to sucker him out of his brass.
“Be a man, Adam O’Day—stand up and account for yourself!
But Adam, unaccustomed to being addressed by the likes of a well-dressed gent like “the Count,” remained planted on his bar-stool.
“But of course, he won’t. He’s a real dumb-foozled elbow-crooker, him. Uncle Happy, prince of the hell-broth. There’s drunk, and there’s dead drunk, and there’s lying-down drunk; and he’s mostly the lattermost. The big Gollumpus.
“And who can blame him? He’s got a bee in the head. Got bats in the belfry. See how he carries my coals! Another man would come out swinging. Not our proud lout. He’s Mr. Carry Me Out and Bury Me Decently, he is. Here is a Yellof who is destined to do everything, and to do it arsey-varsey. Consider a yob who looks like a balmy cove, who talks like a jolthead, who acts like a John Cheese—surely you’re not telling me that this is a man who is wise beyond his years? He’s never said a wise thing in all his born days, unless it be responding to the offer of a drink with ‘I Don’t Care If I Do.’
“Look at him, with the black and yaller black choppers, and his fat and florid Irish face—I fancy he even burps in Gaelic. He’ll always be glad to be carneying, and to share your drink, but when it comes time to pay, he no speaka da language. He’s a real Captain Cork. He takes care of number one, and we all know who that is. He makes ducks and drakes out of other people’s bacon. He’s nothing more than a palliard. A bit of a flim-flam artist his own self. He would beg on his knees to Panjandrum the Great and sob for a nickel—enough to buy him an awful glass of all-sorts—makes me gag to even think about it.
“Adam is no pap-mouth–a real Lover Boy, him–has an eye for the Bob Tails, sure, but too cheap to spend the actual, even when he’s hot and bothered. He’ll tell you all is Bob even when the whole neighborhood is up and arms and crying blue murder—just so long as he gets his caper juice. He’s a real Uncle Chumpy for the blue ruin. He’s been lapping it up from the gutter since God was a pup.
“O, but, mind you, he’s a contented cove all the same–always cracking wise—a flearing fool–loves to play pranks. He’ll roll over and let you scratch his belly, like any shivering jenny, when he’s got enough of the Old Soak in him. The sign of a weak intellect, says I. He’s not only a socker but a staggerer. One of these days he’ll go sidling up to the likes of Smash Conklin with one of his cute antics, and then he’ll really catch a Tartar.
“O, he’s a sick man, but funny sometimes. Would you like to hear tell what happened the last time he tried one of his adorable stunts? He tried to get the preacher man, John Cross, to buy him a snort. Young Johnny Cross, he gets up on his high horse, a position from whence he seldom comes down, and cackles all kinds of pishery-pashery and makes with the Gospel gab, as is his wont—tells him he’s going slowly to Hell, and Adam, bright boy that he is, says he ain’t in no hurry, nor is any man. The gimber-jawed Bible-pounder gives him a cold hard stare—says Are Ye Washed in the Blood of the Lamb? Adam thinks the Sky Pilot is asking him if’n he’s bathed, and says, no—not since last September. The hot Gospeller comes back at him and asks if he’s been saved. And wouldn’t you know it, the shaney has no idea what he’s talking about, being a heathen and a Papist to boot, and he says ‘Saved for what? If I gots the stumpy, I spends it!’ Then John Cross says ‘Surely you do not doubt the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ?’ Adam ups and says, ‘The Gospel? I don’t know what that is. And that’s the Gospel truth.’ Then the Preacher-man starts to chop the whiners, commencing with the Our Father, and Adam just stares at him like he’s gone off his chump. Says, ‘Don’t you want to be friends with the Christian faith?’ Adam says, “I got all the friends I’ll ever need, right here!’ Finally, in desperation, the Preacher-man says, quote, ‘I’ll pray for you, my Friend. By the way–Have you met Jesus? I could introduce Him to you.’ Adam ups and says, ‘No thank you—my Pappy always told me not to talk to strangers!’
“Finally, the Preacher, he loses his patience. ‘Hey—you tame goose,’ says he, ‘I’ve had it up to my neck with all your idiotic comments!’
‘Likewise, I’m sure,’ says Adam O’Day. ‘I suggest,’ says he, ‘that you go to hell and help the devil make your mother into a bitch pie.’
“That took all the starch out of the Preacher. He didn’t know whether to shit or go blind, and he slunk out of that very door right over there just as quick as a cat that had just gotten scalded on the tail by a teakettle.
“O, he may be a shoon, but he’s our fool! A fine broth of a boy for all his lushing. What’s that they call him? The man who holds the serpent by the tail. He’s either a simpleton or a genius—and maybe a little bit of both!”
WILD HORSES (ACOUSTIC)
ALAN LOMAX FOLK MUSIC ARCHIVE ONLINE
WILLIAM BURROUGHS’ ADVICE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
TERRIFYING OLD MOVIES
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
MISSISSIPPI FRED MCDOWELL
GOIN DOWN TO THE RIVER
6* DAILY UTILITY
AMERICA’S MOST OVERPRICED CITIES 2015
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS MYSTERY PHOTOS
CONFUSED 92 YEAR OLD DRIVER
YOU JUST MAY BE THE ONE
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
FORTY OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES
Mean Streets. Dr. Strangelove. The Wizard of Oz. The Parallax View. A Clockwork Orange. Groundhog Day. Goodfellas. Raising Arizona. Something Wild. City Lights. Psycho. Citizen Kane. Sunset Boulevard. Double Indemnity. The Devil’s Advocate. Lawrence of Arabia. Scarface. The Graduate. The Great McGinty. Nashville. Sweet Smell of Success. A Face in the Crowd. Chinatown. Seconds. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The Manchurian Candidate. Seven. The Usual Suspects. JFK. Pulp Fiction. The Wild Bunch. Traffik. The Silence of the Lambs. Brazil. The Leopard. College. Badlands. Naked Lunch. All About Eve. Bonnie and Clyde.
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
791. VINTAGE PROPAGANDA POSTERS