WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART FORTY-FOUR: THE MAYOR OF HELL
The Honorable Jonal Lobhar made a mighty hishee-hashee of the job he was elected to do. He let the rogues and the angry boys run riot. The police were well-funded but like Lobsters everywhere they only worked as hard as they could get away with, and loafed the rest of the time. Rash of sleeping on the job. Drinking on the job. Packing the Black Maria with harmless layabouts and letting the real Yekkmen free to plunder. This is no black joke and it’s no lie. Under Captain Tom Aston, the Coppers in Noxtown was fit only to lead blind monkeys, and many of them were plunderers themselves. The Mayor was weak, and he did nothing when Johnny Law set himself above the mob. In this man’s town they were no better than the Cossacks from Rooshia. They went around kidnapping wealthy citizens and holding ’em for ransom. They’d kidnap the poor and throw ’em in jail on charges which was sheer trumpery, and Judge Rance Sniffle, he would go along. Small wonder all the sports at the Seven Stars hated him and the crushers with a blue passion. The Beaks in Noxtown all wore helmets and pranced and minced around like a passel o’ tin soldier men.
Sure, I’m a bum, you say, and I hate the coppers like pi’sen, but I’ve been around, and not all cops are bad. No, there are ben beaks and there are blackguards and these Noxtown Bullies were among the rottenest. Many a gay blade found his sad demise beneath the clubs of the butchers. Nor is that even the half of it. I could talk all night. But let me just say this–every swell cove not wearin’ tux and tails and ridin’ in a fancy hoss-drawn carriage, the beaks would treat with the utmost disdain. I seen it many a time with my own two little piggy eyes.You hear all that guff and balloon juice about how the coppers help little kiddies find their lost mammies and little old ladies safely cross the street, but ninety-nine times out of a hundred that’s the bunk. The only people they care about keeping safe is the Bloated Aristocrat as has an in with the Chief of Police. Everyone else can go hang. I’ve seen cops laughing–laughing!–at a poor old man who slips on a fresh pile of horse apples. Far from helping him up, they’re splitting their sides with glee. You can talk all you want about Officer Friendly, but these are the facts. I’m only doin’ my job, they might say, if they’re a ben cove underneath it all, but ask yourself this question–what the blazes is the bluebottle’s appointed job, other than to collect money off of poor bleaters and to let the bludgers and the bludgets roam free, provided they make their payoff? A harmless man sleeping under the blue blanket gets thirty days hard labor on bread and water for vag. Meanwhile the well-connected man will have the darbies clapped on him when two Sundays come in a week; which is to say, never. They say, O, a cop keeps you safe. O, a cop is underpaid and that is why he has to collect protection money and kidnap people in broad daylight and cart them off to see the judge who, if the Yellof hasn’t any dirt, why, he must work it off in the blockhouse. It’s no better than slavery.
And the cops don’t make you particularly safe, unless you have the dosh to buy your own private police force, as many do. The cops never show up when you want them around. You never see them pick up well-connected individuals who everyone knows are crooks. And they hardly ever solve crimes that have already been committed. I’d say that much more than half the time, they destroy evidence what with their drunken antics at the scene of the crime, leaving footprints every which where. They’re no better than the Angry Boys on every city block who rove in mobs to plunder. What did the coppers do about the Pepper Gang, or the Molasses Gang? Nowt. Sure, every now and then they’ll say to some street-corner loafer Gwan or I’ll Run You In, but when they’re faced with the entire Gang they back and fill and attack backwards, meaning they run for their lives. As you probably know, there are whole sections of Blowtown where the cops will not go. That’s a known fact to the wised-up Gees and so Blowtown is the first place where a wanted man will go. Knowing he’s as safe there as in his Mammy’s bosom.
It would be bad enough if the cops were just as bad as the Gangs, but actually, they’re worse, because they got the law on their side, and all the judicial apparatus. Some cops are just as sweet as apple pie, until they take a dislike to you, and then you’re dog meat to them. That is all. And for every hundred cops there’s maybe one nice one. So much for that. You can always count on the cops to be on the side of just one thing–other cops. They don’t care about the people they’re supposed to protect unless there’s something in it for them, and they sure as hell don’t care about me and thee, Yob.
Now let me say that in other communities there are police who actually do some kind of job to protect the honest Joe, who, for all his faults, never bothers nobody. But not in Noxtown.
No, in Noxtown the cops are liars and tricksters and worse. They will gang up on you in a team and they can get you to admit to anything. Killing yore Maw, even though she died while she was birthin’ yuh. They’ll shake you down if you have any polly and, just to add insult to injury, they’ll give you a good kick in the ass to top it off. You talk about your hero cop? He’s a fool. The other cops only respect the beak who steals the most, and that’s a fact. Save a drownin’ child and you got to pay to have your uniform cleaned. Steal a hot stove and they’ll buy you a round of drinks.
Can’t blame ’em, though. Most of ’em come from bad families. No rich man ever said he wanted his son to be a cop. No, mostly, the cops come from folks who are the bottom of the barrel. So they give ’em a nightstick and tell them to bash some heads. Them’s their orders–so what do you expect them to do? The Mayor, he could care less. Too busy hollarin’ at his Bit O’Muslin for spending his duke on fashions from Paree. No, small wonder then that most of the cops on the force are sixth-grade dropouts–and them, they’re the smart ones. There’s no romance to bein’ a cop, but there’s plenty of money, and money can buy you a lot in this man’s town.
If you run into one of these Fly coppers, Yob, here’s what you do. Bend over. Bow down. Take your punishment. Don’t give them no back sass. Tell them nothing you dinnae have to. That’s the only way to come out even, and I don’t suppose even that will be much of a help. So here’s the real gen. Stay away. Stay far away from the Beaks. They mean the likes of you and me no good at all.
I wish it could be like it was back in the olden days, when people policed themselves. But them days, Yob, are gone forever!
O, I could tell you more–much more–but I dasn’t.
SUPERSTAR: THE KAREN CARPENTER STORY (COMPLETE)
PINDOSTAN: RUSSIANS RAGE AGAINST AMERICA
BEST OF HITLER
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
THE DARK WEB
6* DAILY UTILITY
Frank Langella launches a withering attack on the showbiz A-list
TITICUT FOLLIES (FULL FILM)
Santorum “nig” gaffe
4 Big Reasons People Aren’t Going To The Movies Anymore
6 Biggest Drops in Quality Between Albums: Bob Dylan, Prince and More
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
SLANG AND ITS ANALOGUES. BY FARMER AND HENLEY.
I am through book four (2 volumes) of the 7-book (3 volume) Slang and Its Analogues by Farmer & Henley. I very much look forward to spending the next two days in the company of this winsome volume full of quaint lore.
It occurs to me that slangsters weren’t much concerned with book-larnin’. In all the alphabet from A-M there was just one reference to a book learned men. No, what the lingomen seemed most concerned with were stealing, drinking, and fucking, and not in that order. Also begging, bragging, and fighting. All of which, I’m sorry to report, I have grown rather rusty at.
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
ACES HIGH. EVANS. ****
AMERICAN CORNBALL. MILLER. ****1/2
AS TEXAS GOES. COLLINS. ***1/2
BATMAN 5: ZERO YEAR-DRAK CITY. ***1/2
BATMAN THE DARK KNIGHT 2: CYCLE OF VIOLENCE. ***1/2
BATMAN INCORPORATED 2: GOTHAM’S MOST WANTED. ***1/2
BOHEMIANS. BUHLE. ***1/2
BOMB RUN. SEVERIN. ****
CHICAGOLAND DETECTIVE AGENCY 6. TRINA & PAGE. ***
THE CIGAR THAT FELL IN LOVE WITH A PIPE. CAMUS. ***1/2
EARTHLING. FRANZ. ***
ELEMENTS OF WIT. ERRETT. ***1/2
ESCAPO. POPE. ***1/2
THE GANG THAT WOULDN’T WRITE STRAIGHT. WEINGARTEN. ****
GAST. SWAIN. ***1/2
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO THE FIX. CILLIZZA. ***1/2
HOW TO BE HAPPY. DAVIS. ****
THE HUMOR CODE. MCGRAW & WARNER. ***1/2
IT NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN. ALDEN. ****
JLA VOLUME 5. WAID. ***1/2
THE JOKER: A CELEBRATION OF 75 YEARS. ***
LISTVERSE.COM’S EPIC BOOK….***
NEW AVENGERS 2: INFINITY. ***
NIJIGAHARA HOLOGRAPH. ASANO. ***1/2
ON BOOZE. FITZGERALD. ****
THE PEOPLE INSIDE. FAWKES. ****
PHANTOMS OF THE LOUVRE. BILAL. ****1/2
POODLE SPRINGS. PARKER. ***1/2
RED SONJA 1. QUEEN OF PLAGUES. ***
SEASON OF THE WITCH. BEBERGAL. ***1/2
THE STORY ABOUT THE STORY. HALLMAN. ****1/2
THE STORY ABOUT THE STORY II. HALLMAN. ****1/2
THE SUN ALSO RISES. HEMINGWAY. ****
SUPERMAN/BATMAN. LOEB. ***1/2
THANOS: THE INFINITY REVELATION. ***1/2
THE U.S. CONSTITUTION: A GRAPHIC ADAPTATION. HENNESSEY. ***1/2
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
776. DESCRIBE THE LAST DUMP YOU TOOK WITH A MOVIE TITLE.
Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
There Will be Blood
A Star Is Born
Damn the Defiant!