MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS: THE 2015 MODERN WISDOM CALENDAR
1.ARCADIA: A historical era which ended just prior to living memory or
shortly before ones birth.
2.ARCHEOLOGISTS. Squinty-eyed geezers with terminal sunburn who spend most of their time sifting through caveman shit on the off-chance that they might uncover a bronze ring.
3.ARENA ROCK CONCERTS: The American gulag.
4.ARMCHAIR GENERALS: Are frequently to be found playing with their privates.
5.ART: sexual display. SEE DANCING, SINGING.
7.ASS: Jesus once rode on the back of an ass; now a great many asses
ride on the coattails of Jesus.
8.ASTRONOMERS. Study hot flaming balls of incandescent gas. See HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP COLUMNIST.
9.AUSTRALIANS. Their beaches smell like sewage, their cities are glorified colonial outposts, and they smell bad. They’re the offspring of ex-cons of slaughtered Aborigines and buggered Dingos in the outback, and they make the world’s worst beer, and for that alone they can never be forgiven.
- AUSTRIA. Home of Hitler, and Vienna sausages, which even Hitler wouldn’t eat.
11.AUTISM: A game that one can play.
12.AUTOMOBILE. A two-ton pill to soothe your ego.
13.AVANT-GARDE, THE: Treats commonplace beliefs as lies.
AVERAGE: See STUPID.
14.BABY HUEY. A six foot tall retarded duck. Whose damnable idea was this?
- BACH. A musical genius whose works now serve as background music for pretentious undergraduates.
16.BAD TOILET TRAINING: No one ever speaks of good toilet training.
18.BARTENDERS: Apologists for stupefaction.
19.BEER: Popular panacea.
20.BEING: Contaminates the void.
21.BELIEFS: Preconceived notions.
22.BALLET. Aerobics for pantywaists.
23.BANANAS. Our fighting forefathers did not cross a continent and carve an empire out of the wilderness because they ate bananas; it was probably the absence of this obscene fruit which enabled them to perform their legendary feats.
- BANJO. A fiddle for dolts.
- BARBITUATES. Uhh…what?
- BEARDS. Every so often you get a perfectly nice guy who grows a beard to hide his horrible disfiguring smallpox scars who later goes on to adjudicate civil conflicts and emancipate bondsmen.
27.BIBLE. I invented a Bible for children called The Bib. The Old testament is just one word: No. And the New Testament was also just one word. because. And the Apocrapha is a dishcloth.
- BILL COSBY. See BOB HOPE. Same superannuated refusal to retire; same
coasting on a long reputation; same uncanny willingness to shill for
the highest bidder; same impulse to subject his audience to cranky,
retrograde, conservative rants. And those are his good qualities.
- BILL OF RIGHTS: List of ten categories of guarantees promising certain
basic American liberties (Archaic).
30.BOBSLEDDING. When I want to go 90 miles per hour with no way of stopping, I’ll board an Amtrak train and give the engineer a snort of rotgut, thank you very much.
- BOHEMIAN: A hobo with a bachelor’s degree.
1.BOOKS. TV for smart-alecks.
2.BOSTON: A hamlet blown up to poster size.
3.BOULEVARDIER: French for “filthy-minded old creep.”
4.BOY SCOUTS. Embryonic Middle-management types.
5.BRAND X: The new Moloch.
6.BUFFALO, NY. Icebergs in the winter, mosquitoes the size of your thumb the rest of the year–and those are its good qualities!
7.BUGLE. A kazoo with a swelled head.
8.BUSINESS: Sells, beneath its facade of boundless optimism, a
philosophy of boundless cynicism.
9.BUSINESS SUIT: A dress rehearsal for a fancy coffin.
- C&W: A SOAP OPERA for drunks.
11. CALCIUM: Mineral found primarily in antacid mints.
12. CARTER, JIMMY: A rigid hayseed embarrassed by his brother.
13.CASH: The color that goes with everything.
14.CANADA. Land of clean streets which are too cold to walk on.
15.CANCER. The competition.
16.CANT: The received wisdom of the people.
17.CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. An ugly expression. Let’s replace it with something nice, like “Putting the Killers to Sleep.”
- CAPITALISM: A system devoted to constantly incentivizing profligacy.
19.CARNIVALS. Why do people go to carnivals? Presumably to enjoy the cheap, dangerously jury-rigged rides; the phony hucksters and pitchmen; the rigged games of skill and chance; the all-pervading stench of vile hot dogs and stale popcorn which hangs like a pall over everything and everybody. The only thing worse is a crafts fair; what’s worse than that I wouldn’t care to imagine.
20.CARROTS. Improve your vision at night. Just when you need it the most–when you’re asleep.
21.CASH REGISTERS. Invented to keep a record, not of if employees steal, but how much.
22.CATS. Vindictive poltergeists who scratch ceaselessly at closed doors and who shit in the corner just on general principle.
23.CATHOLICISM. The only thing worse than women who profess Catholicism are men who practice it.
24.CATHEDRALS: Mausoleums of faith.
25.CATTLE. Alfred Hitchcock’s affectionate name for actors. He was far too kind at that.
26.CELEBRITIES: Designer myths; People who want you out of their way; The minor pantheon, whose doings have replaced the tales of Hermes, Ares, Demeter, et al.
27.CELEBRITY: A swineherd understood by the swine; A show dog; A smiley face on a drum of toxic waste.
28.CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Made-up stories contrived essentially to keep ordinary people in line.
- CEREBRAL: Not entertaining.
1.CHOLESTEROL: Sinister fat found mostly in foods only old people insist on eating.
2.CHRISTMAS: A frantic orgy of consumption in which humans hard-wired to hoard fats seek to stave off the dark and cold of the Winter Solstice.
3.CHAOS. The norm.
4.CHICAGO. A city which combines all the worst qualities of Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Detroit, all rolled into one big fetid and alternately freezing and sweating ball of benighted humanity.
5.CHIVALRY. A Feudal ethos enlightened post-industrialists mourn the erosion of.
6.CHRISTIANITY. Religion whose adherents formerly tortured heretics into the shape of their tortured messiah.
7.CIRCUSES. Evil Ringmasters with long black moustaches cracking whips at critters chained to stakes; alcoholic clowns with bourbon breath falling off their unicycles; manic-depressive chimpanzees playing handball with their own shit! Yes! Everybody loves the circus!
8.CLASSIC AMERICAN LITERATURE: Its novels are mostly about crafty
underdogs outwitting their foes or men who become rich at the cost of
their souls. Its poetry is mostly about gloom and death, or being smug
and fat, and other preoccupations of the author. Its drama is mostly
about lowlifes who meet an untimely death or gain unexpected eminence
through no fault or doing of their own, or about marriage, or about
9.CLOUDS. More interesting and unpredictable than television.
10.COCAINE. Psychosis lite.
11.COFFEE. Is smarter than us. You don’t see coffee beans going through elaborate lengths to produce human beings, do you? Or…do you?
12.COINCIDENCE: A form of cosmic irony.
13.COLLEGE. A place where you blow tens of thousands of dollars to get puking in public out of your system.
14.COLUMBUS: Famed explorer (Archaic); a lousy navigator and a genocidal fiend.
15.COMEDY CLUBS. Nervous trembling funnymen walking back and forth to the bathroom so they can entertain a bunch of twenty-somethings who are pissing away Junior’s college money on lukewarm Mexican bladder juice and Margaritas with sissy umbrellas in ’em.
16.COMMERCIAL MEDIA: A pimp machine for commodity fetishism.
17.COMMERCIALS: Late 20th-century literary form; The poetry of the Philistine.
18.COMPUTER GAMES: Training wheels for AUTISM.
19.CONGRESS: A circus of hypocrites.
20.CONGRESSMAN: Politician who will do anything for $50,000.
21.CONSENSUS MENTALITY: Tyranny in its most modern form.
22.CONSPIRACY THEORIES: Gossip on a larger scale; Works of faction; Sports for people who can’t get laid.
23. CONSUMER: An AMERICAN trained to be insatiable.
24. CONSUMERISM: The religion of serfs, based on the idea that objects
have magical powers.
25.CONTROVERSIAL: Said of any man or woman who the speaker secretly
believes belongs in jail.
26.COOKING: The religion of the cosmopolitan provincial.
27.CORN: AMERICAN staple food as well as the default aesthetic mode.
28.CORPORATIONS. Urban plantations.
29.COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS: Euphemism for ruthlessness.
30. COUNTRY CLUB: A gulag for self-styled elites.
31. COURTESY: Consists of pretending not to notice that most people are dying in plain sight.
1.COURTROOM PROCEDURALS. Narratives in praise of show trials.
2.CONCENTRATION CAMP. A wonderful setting for your memoirs.
3.CONSERVATIVES: Their fondness for unjust market forces is every bit as oppressive as the collectivism they’re blatantly attempting to suppress.
4.CONSPIRACY. When a bunch of people we have no use for anyway start to get too big for their britches.
5.COPYING MACHINES. Automated plagiarism.
6.COUSINS. Idiots just enough like you to make you yearn for an orphanage upbringing.
7.COWBOYS. Semi-literate bums of the old West whose asinine exploits dominate our pitiful mythology.
9.CREATIONISTS. People with self-granted imaginary degrees in Bible Studies who use their vast-ranging intellects to overthrow the obviously fallacious viewpoints of dopey biologists and physicists.
10.CRIMINALS. Corporate raiders of the underclass.
11.CRITICISM. A vindication when it’s in your favor and only one person’s opinion when it goes against you.
12.CULT, A: a place where unreasonable people can all agree.
13.CULTURE: BELIEFS shaped by the holders of power.
14.DEATH: The customer who comes just as the shop is closing up.
15.DECAFFEINATED COFFEE. A neat way of selling both a poisonous alkaloid and the absence of it.
16.DEMOCRACY: A wonderfully ingenious system in which the common people
voluntarily elect leaders who work against the interests of the common people.
17.DINING OUT: The new equivalent to reading novels.
18.DRIVE TIME RADIO: A toxic mix of ignorance, arrogance, and stubbornly
18.DRIVING: Dull poetry; popular 20th century meditative activity.
19.DEMOCRATIC PARTY. A monkeyhouse in the middle of a snakepit.
20.DETECTIVE NOVELS. Where murder is the comic relief.
21.DIET. A famine affair.
22.DISC JOCKEYS. Always hearing music. A bit psychotic.
23.DISCRIMINATION. An exercise in taste by people we don’t care for.
24.DISH TOWEL. Wipe the floor with one and see how much your wife really loves you.
25.DISNEY. A man who invented a six foot rat–and now they worship him!
26.DRUG ADDICTS. Won’t share.
27.EAST COAST. The epileptic cerebellum of a pitiful helpless giant.
28.EBAY: Knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
29.EDUCATED ELECTORATE: Republican Kryptonite.
- EDUCATORS: Those who are usually able to master the increasingly marginal
skill of LITERACY who utilize their skills to transmit POPULAR
1.EGYPT. All people who claim to be reincarnated Pharaohs (never slaves) are strangely fascinated by this miserable, typhus-infested heap of sand and cinders and long to travel there to be laid up by wasting viral infections in insalubrious infirmaries.
2.ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: A hospital where teachers amputate your imagination.
3.ELECTION DAY. Appropriately held just after Halloween, when greedy children put on masks and extort you for candy.
4.ELEPHANTS. They say that elephants never forget. But what does an elephant have to remember? Peanuts? The bull hook? The face of that soulful clown he mutilated in Cincinnati?
5.ELEVATORS. Sterile dumbwaiters for people too lazy to climb stairs.
6.ELITES: Carny barkers masquerading as EDUCATORS.
7.EMERSON: Montaigne Lite.
8.EMOTION: Late TWENTIETH CENTURY sales technique.
9.ENGLISH LANGUAGE: Quaint tongue still passably spoken by a rapidly dwindling majority of Americans.
10.ENTERTAINERS: Power clowns.
11.ENVIRONMENT: Anything irreplaceable which careless Americans are currently destroying.
12.ETHICS: A system of moral beliefs (Archaic.)
13.EVANGELICALS: Thoughtful practitioners of blind unquestioning faith.
14.EXPERTS: Gods of KNOWLEDGE.
15.EMBRYOLOGY. A science which anti-abortion activists remain strenuously unaware of.
16.ENGLISH CHANNEL. PBS.
17.ESKIMOS. Eat blubber for sustenance and sniff paint thinner for kicks. Their comedians have forty different jokes for snow,
18.ESTONIA. Most comically named of the former Soviet satellites.
19.EVERYBODY ELSE. Always ruins it for a few assholes.
20.EVIDENCE. When it’s in your favor, it’s irrefutable; when it goes against you, it’s circumstantial.
21.EVIL EYE. See Television.
22.EXILE. Place from where you don’t have to buy birthday presents.
23.EXPRESSIONISM. Myopia elevated to an art form.
24.FACEBOOK: A hula-hoop of fail; a look-at-me shout-a-thon, a dazzling black hole of irrelevance; a type of self-generated, self-fulfilling report card; As compassionate as any machine knows how to be.
25.FAD: Any transient GOD.
26.FAMILY FRIENDLY: Insipid and dull.
27.FAMILY VALUES: Benevolent Totalitarianism.
28.FANATICISM: Belief exploded and hardened into dogma.
29.FASHION: Protective coloration.
30.FASHIONABLE: Temporarily highlighted aspects of the data stream. See FAD.
31.FAST FOOD: A robot’s idea of home cooking.
1.FATALISM: Undesirably frightening circumstantial REALISM.
2.FEAR: Basic motive force. Largely built upon the foreseen exposure of
pretense. See BELIEFS; FATALISM; REALISM.
3.FEMALE SOLDIERS: Warm and clean killers.
4.FINANCIAL SECURITY: Mythic state of monetary non-dependence to which
members of the MIDDLE CLASSES aspire.
5.FLAG: Shorthand for Leviathan.
6.FOLK MUSIC: Archaic tribal songs yoked to self-righteous lyrics every
bit as oppressive as the injustices they seek to eradicate.
7.FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY: Misery for bachelors; The lowest common denominator.
8.FAIRS. Mostly not.
10.FARMERS. Reclusive coots in bib overalls shackled to rusted tractors.
11.FASTING. Trendy starvation.
12.FATIGUE. What men do to women and what women do to men.
13.FIFES. Sinister little whistles to torture thinking men to death.
14.FISHERMEN. Always say that the fish don’t feel the pain. I suppose they flop around on the bottom of the boat for fun!
15.FLEA MARKETS. A group of stalls run by small, blood-sucking insects.
16.FLUTES. A virus of music.
17.FREE WILL, An illusion cherished by those who believe they possess it.
18.GAMBLING: A concentrated form of symbolic mortality. See LIFE INSURANCE.
19.GARBAGE. See Garage Sales.
20.GATED COMMUNITIES: Heartless shelters, where the heartless can go to
hide from the homeless.
21.GEORGE WASHINGTON. Nowadays a remote figure fit only to be travestied.
22.GET WELL CARDS: Handled by the relatives of contagious sick people.
23.GOOD CITIZENS: Those members of the MIDDLE CLASSES who can afford to be Suckers.
24.GOOD JOB: (Archaic) One with minimal work, maximum BENEFITS and JOB SECURITY.
25.GOSSIP: The way in which humans squawk their warnings to one another.
26.GOTHS: Always going for Baroque.
27.GOURMET COFFEE: For people who wish they still used Drugs.
28.GRAFFITI: Philosophy with the world “fuck” thrown in.
29.GRAPHIC NOVELS: The intersection of art and trash.
30.GRADUATE SCHOOL. Where the over-qualified spend tens of thousands of dollars to meet
their future spouses.
1.HABITUAL CRIMINALS. Popularly supposed to say things like “If I get caught I’m taking them with me because I’m a three-time loser.”
2.HAMSTERS. Insatiably voracious rodents. the perfect pet for children.
3.HATE: Will also find a way.
4.HELL: Just one thing damned after another.
5.HENRY FORD. Reclusive, anti-Semitic crank who controlled the nation’s jalopy supply.
6.HERITAGE: That which is outmoded.
7.HINDUISM. Any religion which came up with Kali can’t be all bad.
8.HIPSTER: Respectable HOBO; To be a hipster is to be 22 forever; Desperately seeks corporate sponsorship for his or her dangerously Bohemian attitudes; Walks on the cutting edge of Nostalgia.
9.HOLLYWOOD: Home of the moron Zeitgeist; The whole atmosphere is that of prostitution, except for the prostitutes, who are true professionals.
10.HOLLYWOOD STARS: Avatars of the moron Zeitgeist.
11.HITLER. Say what you will about Hitler, but he had a nice, well-groomed mustache.
12.HYPNOSIS: Technique which promotes the imposition of a sleeplike state
in which the subject heeds only the messages of the hypnotist. See TELEVISION.
13.ID CARDS: Plastic spies.
14.IDEALISM: Any system of thought which is doomed to failure.
15.IDEAS: INDIVIDUAL THOUGHTS (Archaic). See OPINIONS.
16.IDEOLOGIES: Like fine wines, they need to be swirled around in the
mouth then vigorously spat out–never swallowed.
17.IMPRACTICALITY: The American Original Sin.
18.IMPRESSIONISM: Elevated myopia.
19.IMPULSE CONTROL: Skill which authority figures demand of children and
The Poor; high mantra of Capitalist practice.
20.INCA RELIGION: System of BELIEFS, based on the idea that objects have
magical powers. See CONSUMERISM.
21.INDIA. Home of people who worship cows, drink raw sewage, and sell their left kidneys for the price of a concrete hut.
22.INDIVIDUAL: Unscientific term used to describe the residual belief
that one person possessed unique qualities before it became widely
known that individual consciousness is merely a self-generated
illusion (Archaic). See THOUGHT.
23.INFORMANTS: Good criminals who help police officials capture bad criminals.
24.INTELLECTUALS: Shiver beneath their carapace of postmodern knowingness.
25.INTEGRATED CIRCUITRY. Still frowned-upon in Dixie.
27.JACKSON, ANDREW. Slavemaster and Indian Killer who adorns the ever-popular twenty dollar bill
28.JIG. Cromwell in 6/8.
29.JOB SECURITY: Mythic state in which non-performance of work-related
duties could never result in termination.
30.JOURNALISM. The fine art of delicately lancing a suppurating boil.
31.JUDAISM. I’m not going to touch that one with a ten-foot Pole.
1.KFC: A good salmonella; not a GREAT salmonella.
2.KETTLEDRUM. A fiendish contrivance to torment slowwitted ringsiders.
3.KINDERGARTEN. Balls, blocks and pegs. See THE OFFICE.
4.KOREAN FOOD. One hour after you eat it, it comes right back up the 38th parallel.
5.KUMQUAT. A hideous orange thing drenched in a sickening sauce, served at Chinese Restaurants when they want to get rid of you.
6.LAS VEGAS. Racketeer’s Disneyland.
7.LEGITIMATE: Any unwholesome activity which is not actually illegal.
8.LIBERALISM: Cult of guilt (Archaic).
9.LIBERALS. Their obsession with leveling is every bit as oppressive as the injustices they’re supposedly attempting to ameliorate.
10.LIBERTARIANISM: Anarchy for shitheads.
11.LIBRARIES: The church of the lower middle class.
12.LIFE: A depressing circus full of grandiose humility; Simply a quiet accumulation of tyrannies and traumas; The process of riding our biases to their finale.
13.LIFE INSURANCE. It seems extreme, to have to die in order to win a bet.
14.LINCOLN. What would the Great Emancipator say if he knew his head on a penny was being used to check for tread wear?
15.LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: A stage hog.
16.LOVE: Like a long sneeze–a temporary derangement.
17.MAFIA: Too much of a good thug.
18.MAINSTREAMING. Lopping off 30 I.Q. points.
19.MALT: Popular panacea.
20.MAN: The only animal who worries that he is only an animal.
21.MANAGERIAL ELITE: Overseers of urban plantations. See CORPORATIONS.
22.MASONS. Participate in elaborate rituals, drink to excess, wear funny
costumes, and share a secret arcane knowledge. See ROCK AND ROLLERS.
23.MASS MEDIA: A stained-glass window for imbeciles.
24.MASTURBATION: The poor man’s Video game.
25.ME: The new “You”.
26.MEDICINE. Drugs approved by the police.
27.MEDIOCRITY. A haven for people who get headaches from thinking.
28.MEDITATION. I hate those people who claim they meditate. I wish they’d sit down and shut up.
29.MEMOIR: Commemoration of self-deception.
30.MERCENARIES. Soldiers without the cant of patriotic motivations.
31.METABOLISM. The cause of obesity.
1.MICROBREWS: The triumph of hop over experience.
2.MILDLY DYSLEXIC: Euphemism; illiterate.
3.MINIMUM WAGE. Always the cause of small businesses failing to make their payroll.
4.MONA LISA. Masterpiece fit only to be travestied.
5.MOVIES: Exciting boredom; bland, euphoria-inducing medium devised to
advertise bland, euphoria-inducing commodities; the EDUCATOR of
desire. See THE INTERNET; RADIO; TELEVISION.
6.MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS. Armies with a credit line.
8.MURDER. An illegal, unsanctioned act when not performed by designated officials.
9.MYTH. Anything not strictly true but rendered highly appealing by the cynical manipulation of symbol and archetype.
10.MYTHOLOGY: Crazy stories by dead weirdos that bore us to tears.
- NEW YORK CITY: Hell, but all of your friends are there.
13. NEWS. The most significant trivial events in recent memory.
14.NICE: Stupid. See Pro-Social.
15.NONCONFORMISTS: CULTURAL deviants as defined by CULTURAL hierophants.
16.NOSTALGIA: More than what it used to be.
17.OBSCENE: Sexually profane (Archaic); objectionable.
18.OCCUPATION RULE: Dead Peasant Policies.
19.OFFICE WORK: Stupid coffee tricks.
21.ONLINE GAMING: A very commercial form of obsessive compulsive disorder.
22.OPINION: That which is popularly thought.
23.PARKING TICKETS. See Extortion.
24.PENGUINS. Miserable upright Tuxedo-wearing rat birds with no pockets.
25.PEPPERONI: Baloney with attitude.
26.PETS: Children who can’t talk back.
27.PHILOSOPHY: Formulas for a well-lived life (Archaic); any rationale for bad behavior. We put on our blindfolds and call it our philosophy.
28.POETRY. Nowadays it is usually bad prose set out in stanza form.
29.POLITICAL PUNDITS. Shouting heads who spend most of their energy in
lynching a straw man.
30.POLITICS: Sports for people who are too fat to run.
1.POPULAR: Name for anything which the LITERATE consider STUPID.
2.PRESIDENT. Symbolic ruler-priest of American Empire.
3.PRIDE: Lasts but a moment. But egotism is forever.
4.PRIESTS: Magnificent egotists of the infinite.
5.PRISONER: Felonious monk.
6.PRISONS: Contain an embarrassment of wretches.
7.PROCREATION: The thief of time.
8.PROLIFIC: In desperate need of editorial oversight.
9.PROPERTY: What CAPITALISTS own and COMMUNISTS seek to confiscate.
10.PROSTITUTION. Standard operating procedure of wised-up cynics. See Protective Coloration.
11.PSYCHIATRISTS: Pseudo-kin who lick your psychic wounds.
12.PSYCHOANALYSIS. A pharmaceutical regimen accompanied by benign interrogation.
13.PUNDITS. Pimps for the Imperium.
14.PUTIN: A good five-cent Tsar.
15.QUOTATION MARKS: The justifying margins of plagiarism.
16.RADICALS: The only thing more tiresome than the purblind slanders of
reactionaries are the self-styled verities of radicals.
17.RATIONALIZATION: A seductive mistress, but a bad wife.
18.REAGAN: The One-Minute-To-Midnight Cowboy.
19.REALITY TELEVISION: Supplants the former occupation of throwing cow
shit at the village idiot.
20.REBELLION: Struggle against the dominant paradigm (Archaic); that
which sells products for the dominant paradigm. See ADVERTISING.
21.REFORMERS: People who tilt against already well-established perversions.
22.REPUBLICAN PARTY: The party of whiskey, golf, and selfishness.
23.RELIGION. See Advertising.
25.RHETORIC. Device always used to perpetuate falsehoods.
26.RITUAL. See advertising.
27.ROMAN EMPIRE. Decline constantly likened to America’s.
28.ROMANCE: An exercise in fertility.
30.SARCASM: The default mode of the second rate. And self-referential
irony, of the third-rate.
31.SATIRISTS. Said to be profoundly conservative. The liberal ones are called policymakers.
1.SEDITION. Questioning the privileges of Multinational Corporations.
3.SENATOR: Politician who will do anything for $50,000.
4.SEX APPEAL. See Advertising.
5.SIR: (Euphemism.) Fatso.
6.SITCOMS: Churchgoing for the homebound. Comforting rituals, soothing
verities, and immersion in stories we already know the end of and have
always known the end of.
7.SLOGANS: Rhetorical substitutes for evidence.
9.SOCIALIST: A HOBO with a PhD.
10.SONGS: The earliest form of neurolinguistic programming.
11.SPORTING EVENTS: Working class fanaticism in its socially approved form.
12.SPORTS FIGURES: Genetically inbred warrior noblemen.
13.STAND-UP COMEDY: The rattling of a shtick inside a shithouse.
14.STARBUCKS: Coffee ritual for people who wish they still used illicit drugs; The opiate of spendthrifts.
15.STATISTICS. 99 per cent of all statistics are wrong, including this one.
16.STEEL. A plot by iron and coal to enslave us.
17.STEPHEN KING: Dickens for imbeciles.
18.SURVIVOR: Any person capable of overcoming or abiding a minor obstacle
19.SUPERMARKET. Watering holes for misfits.
20.SUVS: Training wheels for tyrants.
21.SYZYGY. Hippies think it’s magic because of the way it’s spelled.
22.TABOOS: Tomorrow’s norms.
23.TALK RADIO: Bedtime stories for paranoiacs.
24.TELEVISION: A lobotomy on the installment plan; Recapitulates the aesthetics of Moloch; a velvet sewer; a voracious mirror; a smoke screen for vested interests; manna for dull minds; A soft surrealism for brains hooked on artificial sunlight; AUTISM in a box; bland, euphoria-inducing medium devised to advertise bland, euphoria-inducing commodities; the EDUCATOR of desire. See MOVIES; RADIO; THE INTERNET.
25.TERRORISM: The marijuana of the Generals. It makes them feel good
even as their thinking becomes hazy, and they end up hanging around
with some pretty unsavory characters and spending a hell of a lot of
money on it.
26.TEXTING: Compulsive grooming behavior of the amphetamine monkey.
27.THE BIBLE: A dreary masterpiece of ignorance.
28.THE BLUES: Music for depressed alcoholics.
29.THE CRUCIFIXION: A friendly dice game that went terribly, terribly wrong.
30.THE FUTURE: Will be a digital camera catching you in the act forever.
1.THE GOVERNMENT. Has too much power. Citizens demand that the
government do something about it.
2.THE INTERNET: A potted history of instantaneity; Abandon Hope All Ye Who Hit ‘Enter’ Here.
3.THE MEDIA: A narcissism machine.
4.THE MOB: Anyone who isn’t us.
5.THE MOON. A giant ovum. Which is why we shoot rockets at it.
6.THE PENIS: Strong enough for a man…but women like it too.
7.THE RICH: Are different from you and me; they mooch more money.
8.THE SERVICE: College for drunks.
9.THE TWENTIETH CENTURY: The era responsible for destroying every myth that ever dared us to be great.
10.THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER. Nobody cares about the Unknown Sailor.
11.THEATER. Church for spendthrifts.
12.TISSUE. Who cares if it’s squeezably soft–you use it to blow your snots in.
13.TOM CLANCY: John LeCarre for drunks.
14.TRADITION. What gets in the way.
15.TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS: A Golden Shower.
16.UKELELE. A musical ulcer.
17.UNEXPECTED MENACE: Nature’s oldest joke.
18.UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA: Made-up stories contrived essentially to keep
ordinary people in line. SEE CELEBRITIES.
19.UTILITY COMPANIES. See Extortion.
20.VERITIES: Socially acceptable nonsense; Tomorrow’s cant.
21.VICE PRESIDENT: Widely despised placeholder.
22.VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. Are closer than they appear.
23.WALNUT: A sunflower seed that made the Fortune 500.
24.WEBSITES: The lingua franca of junk.
25.WHALES. Blubbery ingrates whose bloated corpses befoul the world’s few pristine beaches.
26.WIFE: A mystery like no mother.
27.WISHES. If wishes were fishes, beggars would die of mercury poisoning.
28.WORK. The ability to bear pain and inflict it upon yourself and others.
30.ZODIAC KILLER: You can say what you will about the Zodiac Killer,
Mister, but at least he brought astrology into the mainstream.
31.ZOOKEEPERS. People who steal animals and put them into cages.