Now, in spite of the scenes you might of seen in his courtroom, Judge Rance Sniffle is a Yellof ye needn’t trouble yourself about, ner feel sorry for him none either. Every crooked deal you could imagine, the Judge is got his hand in, regardless of his reputation as a luckless fool.
I should only have HIS luck.
No matter what the circumstance, he had a special power of allus landing on his feet. Like a cat, only nowhere’s as cute. ‘Member the scandal of the prisoners in the county lock-up bein’ fed on Bully Beef from the Spanish American War? Half the hoboes in the jug had the drizzlin’ shits, and one or two of ’em very nearly dropped dead at twenty paces. That was the Judge’s doin’; he procured the slop to feed the yardbirds; stale canned meat and green ears of corn and it’s a wonder that all of ’em didn’t meet their maker on a diet like that. The entire town very nearly got a hobo sign–five slanty sticks with two vertical lines through ’em–“danger here”. I’m not sayin’ that hoboes and tramps and bums add any great value to the town beautiful, but it ain’t fair to roust ’em from the town unless they done something real bad, like burn down the shed of a mingy man or menace a widder-woman ‘steada doin’ her chores in exchange for a lump.
Anyway, the Judge was a bad ‘um who was allus contradictin’ the defense attorney because the Prosecutor worked for the Big Man and the Big Man had him right in his coat pocket. The Judge, he didn’t even pretend to be fair, but would look up to heaven when the Defense made any kind of strenuous defense, say, in a capital case like a murder trial– and it was no matter if the Prosecution’s case was weak because the Judge would instruct the jury that there’s two sides to every story and he would sometimes soft-pedal the whole shadow of a doubt business or neglect to mention reasonable doubt altogether.
Why was this so? The Judge was an old blowhard who kept liquor in his chambers and you could smell it on him practically across the room, though the Bailiff was his man and quick to usher out anybody who was tomfool enough to yip out Holloa! Why,The Judge Is Been Drinkin’ or like that.
Ye can’t sue no judge. Ye can’t even take a pot-shot at him, if ye know what is what. Both the law and the bad men would be on you in a flash. Wouldn’t matter who you were. the only one who could take the Judge out would be the Big Man, and why would he, when the Judge knew his wishes so well withouten even being told?
What’s more, when the whole of Noxtown is corrupt from top to bottom so ye can’t put the law on them.
The judge stood at the crossroads of ignorance and knowledge and laid down and had a snooze, is what he did.
Why shouldn’t he? His fortune was made. Ye’d hear him crowing in the Seven Stars, after hours. “I’m bound to be rich! Bound to be rich!”
He had himself a crew of likely lads whose sole occupation was to strip the plumbing from dilapidated buildings and sell it as metal scrap for pennies on the dollar. These pennies surely did add up fast, as there were a lot of deserted buildings in Noxtown, due to all the good people all moving out. And when I say good people I mean all the folks that will give a bum a nickle and not expect a song and dance in return. Poor folk is among the most generous there is. But even they have their limits. When it’s not even safe to walk the streets because of the Rozzers….
Anyway, was Judge Rance Sniffle more’n half crazy? That’s a firm ‘Maybe.’ But if he was, he was also crazy like a fox, him. Election time would come, and Adam Tyler would go around distributin’ food baskets to th’ needy, and if any of the pore people got into a scrape with the law, the Judge would see to it that they would be set free in time to vote. He would empty out the prisons to vote for the machine candidate. A lot of those likely lads wouldn’t never come back, but since these weren’t bad men per se but transients and loiterers and vagrants and petty thieves, they was a small loss to the toils of the law, and it saved the county some money. What interested Sniffle was the spoils of war, and every election day, he made sure he got the votes so that come back-scratching time, he got his own back scratched but good.
Every crooked casino in Noxtown–and there was plenty–was known by the higher-ups and allowed to exist only on their say-so, and The Judge, he had a finger in that, and in every other sticky little pie.
In every hotel, from the finest multi-story pile to the lowest flophouse–you could get women, liquor, dope, anything you wanted from one of the bellboys, and the Judge, he was part owner of more than a few of them and he would regularly be called upon to throw a case clean out of court when one of the guests got rumbustious and trod on the wrong toes. He never had much truck with the soiled doves, for all his bluster, but ner was he a one to ignore a well-turned ankle, neither. His Nibs had a sour old wife at home–her lips was dry and cracked like a Mummy, and she was a big-boned and large-bosomed woman, she was, and ye got the impression that more’n once she cast him out of his own Den. But for all that, the Judge was no prude, him. All a little lady needed to do on the witness stand was to cry, and the soft-hearted Judge would turn her loose–all other things being equal. ‘Specially if there was a fat envelope awaiting him.
Did you want to join a Union? The Judge was not a strong Union man, but for the right price he would back you up.
Fact was, the whole of Noxtown run on gangland money, and the Judge was right there in the middle of it. You were well-advised to treat him like you would a rattlesnake, and to have some snakebite remedy right handy if you ever run into him. He worked, of course, with the cooperation of the Police, and Captain Tom Aston and what he might think allus formed a big part of his plans,
PUBLIC IMAGE LTD: SECOND EDITION
LIBRARY PORN MOM SUED
WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER
SLEEP IS THE ENEMY OF CAPITAL
5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
COSBY REFUSES TO ADDRESS RAPE CHARGES
NINE CLUELESS THINGS WHITE PEOPLE SAY WHEN CONFRONTED WITH RACISM
WHEN THANKSGIVING WAS WEIRD
HEART ATTACKS AND WATER
TOMORROW NEVER KNOWS TAPE LOOPS
*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
ALL-NEW X-MEN 5. ONE DOWN. ***
AMERICAN CORNBALL. MILLER. ****1/2
AN AGE OF LICENSE. KNISLEY. ***
BATMAN & ROBIN 4. REQUIEM FOR DAMON. ***1/2
THE BLACK DEATH. JEFFREY. ***
THE CALL OF THE WILD. LONDON. ***1/2
CAN’T WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING MORE PLEASANT? CHAST. ****
CARTOON GUIDE TO CLIMATE CHANGE. KLEIN. ***1/2
THE CAVALIER MR. THOMPSON. TOMMASO. ***1/2
CITY OF NETS. FRIEDRICH. ****1/2
DARK SIDE OF THE STREET. HIGGINS. **1/2
A FAREWELL TO ARMS. HEMINGWAY. ****1/2
FEDERAL BUREAU OF PHYSICS 1. ***
HOW THE WORLD WAS. GUIBERT. ***1/2
JUSTICE LEAGUE 5. FOREVER HEROES. ***
THE KLONDIKE. WORTON. ****
KLONDIKE DAYS. LONDON. ***
LATE BLOOMER. TYLER. ****
THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN 3. CENTURY. ****
LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES: FATAL FIVE. ***
LENA FINKEL’S MAGIC BARREL. ULINICH. ****
MOBY DICK. GELEV. ***1/2
PERFIDIA. ELLROY. ***1/2
SOBRIETY. MAURER. ***
STEED & MRS. PEEL: THE GOLDEN GAME.**
STEED & MRS. PEEL: A VERY CIVIL ARMAGEDDON. **
STRANGE FRUIT. GILL. ***
SUGAR SKULL. BURNS. ***1/2
SUPERMOB. RUSSO. ****
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. LEE. ****
TRAILERS. KNEECE. ***
TREASURE ISLAND. GELEV. ***
WHITE FANG. LONDON. ***
WOLVERINE 2. KILLABLE. ***1/2
WONDER WOMAN: LOVE AND MURDER. **
WONDER WOMAN: ENDS OF THE EARTH. ***
WONDER WOMAN 3: IRON. ***
WONDER WOMAN 4: WAR. ***1/2
WORLD WAR I. COWSILL. ***1/2
YUKON GOLD. LONDON. ***
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
772. SEVEN NUTRITION MYTHS