THE INFORMATION #797 AUGUST 15, 2014

THE INFORMATION #797
AUGUST 15, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures
the disease. –Voltaire

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART TWENTY-TWO: THE MAYOR OF HELL

As for Doc Ketman’s so-called visions in the mystic crystal ball, this is
one instance where he was able to use his imagination without anything
actual and real to hold him back, and he strove michty hard to give the
customer, as he called him, his money’s worth.

He would seat some old plough jockey, his hands gnarled and his nails
encrusted with muck and his eyes shaded by a straw cowboy hat and his
piggy eyes peering out from a sunburned face. He would set him at a
small table covered with a cloth decorated in stars and bangles, in
his modest tent.  And he would say to this man, “I see many things in
this magical glass. Would you like me to relate them to you?” The old
rubin would nod yes, too flummoxed and entranced to even spit out his chewing
tobacco, and Ketman would give him his money’s worth.

“There is a beautiful woman holding a globe. This symbolizes both your
place on earth and your future destiny. I see both ears of corn and
roses. A prosperous crop and possibly a wedding.”

Once he got into high gear–aided no doubt by a few clandestine snorts
of skull pop from a cracked and chipped teacup–his inflamed fancies
really began to spin and careen.

“I see a man hiding his head with his hat. He is wearing a suit. He is
a city dude, This means that travelling salesmen and suchlike should never
be welcome at your door. If they do chance to visit you, be wary of them;
their intentions are hidden and they mean you no good. Be particularly
careful of letting them talk to any womenfolk on the premises. You do
have some, do you not?”

“Yes, the wife. And daughters, three.”

“And also a fine young son? Or has he been lost?”

“I’ve got seven sons. The oldest, he’s gone and left the farm for to
be a soldier.”

“Yes, I saw that in the glass. He is a lowly soldier now, but he is
also a natural leader of men, and he will rise in the ranks.”

“He’s a Corporal.”

“Yes, I saw that in the glass. I see him packing a rifle. He will
travel far. He will face danger with manly courage and will return to
your door unharmed both in body and hopefully in Spirit.”

“He’s over in the Phillipine Isles.”

“Yes, I saw that in the glass….”

Ketman was completely without shame, and he would hold such rustics
spellbound for a quarter hour with some of the most fantastical bosh I
had ever read outside of a dime novel.

” You had a worthless crop one year.”

“We laid in a store of crabapples as was sour. We used them to make pectin.”

“The glass shows me that very often you are obleeged to fall back on
your own resources.”

“There was one year where we couldn’t make to buy seed, and had to go for
the banker-man for a loan. Another year when we brought in a crop of wormy
apples, and had to use ’em to make cider.”

“The glass shows me that very often you  patronize a certain grocer at
a corner store. Be careful of this man, for he has cheated you when
you were unaware of it.”

“That’s so!” piped the farmer. “Caught him with his thumb on the
scales more’n once. And putting chalk in the flour, too. And he’s held onto
them pickled eggs for well nigh onto ten years. I pity the poor city dub as
eats one of those.”

“The glass is beginning to become foggy, now…I’ll warrent that you
have bears in your vicinity…that there is the grave of a young one
on your property…that both you and your wife suffer from corns and
calluses…that one of your sons is an eagle-eye with the rifle…the
crystal is fading out but it reveals more…events of the future…a
baby swinging between two cactuses…this means your wife will bear
you another child even though you both thought those days were
over…I see three bearded men sitting on a porch…your sons, grown
to to fine young men…I would like to tell you more but the crystal
is fogging over now.”

The country younker sat gap-jawed. “By God,” he whispered, “It’s all true.”

“Of course it is,” said Ketman.

“B-but,” the indignant farmer would sputter, “How do ye know all this?”

“The glass makes no mistakes,” he would solemnly intone, “and tells no
lies. Twenty-five cents please.”

I don’t mean to say that credulous old men and foolish old women were
Ketman’s only customers. Because he had quite a way with the younger
ladies, too; particularly when he would periodically camp on the
outskirts of the carnival with the owner’s permission and set up his
medicine show tent. A bedraggled fiddle band consisting of a bull
fiddle, a violin, and a cornet would set up a bleating cauterwaul to
attract sideshow customers to the tent. When enough men and women were
gathered close to hand, Ketman would begin his spiel.

 “Ladies–to me and, no doubt, to your husbands you are all still as
beautiful as you were when you were modest girls in the month of
May–but have the worries of life weighed you down? Do you lack the
vim, the pep, the dash that you once enjoyed? Restore your youthful vigor–replenish your girlish sparkle–free your mind from care–with Old Mammy’s
Special Secret Formula, a medicinal brew concocted from plants growing
in the fields and meadows of Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello, and used by George
Washington’s own wet-nurse–only a dollar and fifty cents the bottle; two
bottles for two fifty, and–I’m losing money here–ten bottles for ten
dollars. And for you men, I have here for the same low price these
little tubes of Zogriaine the Asthma Conquerer and Sure-fire Catarrh
Cure. The instructions are in German, but never you mind that; that only
signifies that it is both superior and extra good.”

It goes without saying that the principle ingredient of Old Mammy’s
Special Secret Formula–concocted, not by a wise old nurse woman but
by rogues in a chemical plant in New Jersey–were as follows: extracts
of sassafras, blue cohosh, chamomile, juniper berries, and coca leaf, with 60 per
cent grain alcohol by volume. Total cost to mix it and make it was
about eighteen cents a bottle. As for Zogriaine, it was composed of an
inert powder doctored with two and one-half percent hydrochlorate
cocaine.

Between the rental for the land, the cost of the bottles, and after
the musicians  had all been paid, I calculated that Ketman made close to a
dollar on every bottle he sold of Old Mammy’s Special Secret
Formula–and on a good day, he could sell close to 200 of them. Nor
were repeat customers lacking for his Zogriaine the Asthma Conquerer
and Sure-fire Catarrh Cure. On each of those tubes he probably cleared
about seventy-five cents–but this reduced profit was offset by the
fact that they weighed only one ounce each, as opposed to the pint
bottles of the liquid formula.

I will say that even if you weren’t a lady, Old Mammy’s Formula was a
mighty good tonic when you mixed it in with some Moxie or orange soda.

And when you had a hellacious hangover from snapping at the Mammy’s Formula
bottle and going on a bender, a snort or two of Zogriaine did wonders
to set you right.

The truth of the matter is, Ketman, for all his bluster on the stage
or in the Fakir’s tent, was mostly all bluff. He was an intensely shy
man who preferred a bottle to a woman, and didn’t have much truck with
ladyfolk. Save one, the lamp of his heart–Red Mary, who he would do
almost anything to protect. If he had a soft spot for humanity at all,
it was for Red Mary.

And this fact was to prove his downfall.

1*SALUTATION
BRIAN JONES PRESENTS THE PIPES OF PAN AT JOUJOUKA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waSvVHYSyGA

2*REFERENCE
How One Man’s Lies Almost Destroyed the Comics Industry
http://io9.com/5985199/how-one-mans-lies-almost-destroyed-the-comics-industry

3*HUMOR
WHAT EVERY TRENDY RESTAURANT MENU LOOKS LIKE
http://eater.com/archives/2014/07/24/trendy-restaurant-menu.php

4*NOVELTY
A REAL BARBIE
http://aplus.com/a/barbie-recreated-with-real-woman-proportions

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
11 THINGS HUMANS DO THAT DOGS HATE
http://www.mnn.com/family/pets/stories/11-things-humans-do-that-dogs-hate

6* DAILY UTILITY
RESILIENCE
http://theweek.com/article/index/264532/8-things-the-worlds-most-extraordinary-survivors-can-teach-you-about-resilience

7*CARTOON
Animated Titles for Live-Action TV Shows
http://cartoonresearch.com/index.php/animated-titles-for-live-action-tv-shows/

8*PRESCRIPTION
Five Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head
http://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/

ALSO SEE:
HOW TO TELL A SOCIOPATH FROM A PSYCHOPATH
http://www.alternet.org/how-tell-sociopath-psychopath

9*RUMOR PATROL
A JOBLESS FUTURE
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/innovations/wp/2014/07/21/were-heading-into-a-jobless-future-no-matter-what-the-government-does/

10* LAGNIAPPE
NATURAL NEWS IS NEITHER
http://grist.org/food/heres-why-natural-news-is-neither/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=update&utm_campaign=socialflow

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
10 BADLY PRODUCED RECORDS
http://www.hecklerspray.com/top-10-badly-produced-records-like-ever/201154729.php

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
755. BABY BOOMER ROMANCE NOVELS
I recently spent the better part of an afternoon sorting through over
1000 Harlequin novels with titles like THE SEDUCTION OF MISS GOODY
GOODY TWO-SHOES, THE REBEL BRIDEGROOM, and 40 ACRES AND A MALE. Here are some more possible titles:
MARRIAGE: IMPOSSIBLE
THE LIAR, THE BITCH, AND THE WARDROBE
SLAVE OF THE OIL SHEIK’S SERAGLIO
A BILLIONAIRE IN HER BOUDOIR
PREGNANT WITH THE DEPUTY SHERIFF’S BABY
PROJECT: MATRIMONY
THE SEVEN PLAYBOY BROTHERS
SEAL TEAM SIX STAY-AT-HOME WIFE
THE DOCTOR, THE BABY, AND THE WET NURSE
THE COUNTESS OF MODESTO
THE BILLIONAIRE’S CHAMBERMAID
THE RUTHLESS RUSSIAN’S RANSOMED BRIDE
MARRIED TO THE SILICON VALLEY TYCOON
DITCH WATER DUCHESS
THE RAINMAKER’S BABY
THE FUGITIVE DADDY
MIDNIGHT DEB
SMALL TOWN TYCOON
THE DOTARD AND THE DEBUTRAMP
36-26-36 OR FIGHT
THE BAREFOOT BACHELOR FROM WALL STREET
THE HUNK STOPS HERE
CARD-CARRYING CUTIE
AN INSTINCT FOR THE JUGGLER: A MEDIEVAL ROMANCE
BOHEMIAN VIP
THE SULTAN’S WET NURSE
MAGIC CARPET ROMANCE
SWEET HOME ALABAMA MAMA
RUNNING DOWN A DREAMBOAT
BLACK MAGIC BRIDEGROOM
SWEET DEMOTION
DON’T FEAR THE RAPPER
BAD TO THE BOSS
YOU’VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE CHILD AWAY
PRADA IN THE NAME OF LOVE
EVERY LITTLE THING SHE DOES IS MARRIAGE
FEEL LIKE MAKING MATRIMONY
OWNER OF A LONELY HOTTIE
THE DEBUTANTE AND THE DESPERADO
THE NORWEGIAN WOULD
THE LONELIEST MILLIONAIRE
HONKY TONK BILLIONAIRE
JUNE BRIDE OF THE JUNGLE LOVERS
THE URGENT FOREIGNER
I CAUGHT THE SHERIFF
A HUNK WITH NO NAME

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