MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 190 AUGUST 2014

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 190
AUGUST 2014

Copyright 2014 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

And now…MODERN WISDOM presents:

1. TANNED ANTIQUITY
2. STEEPY NIGHT
3. WRACKFUL SIEGE
4. HOLY ANTIQUE HOURS
5. NIGGARD TRUTH
6. THE FILCHING AGE
7. THAT CHURL DEATH
8. BARREN TENDER
9. MY DUMB THOUGHTS
10. A CONQUERED WOE

11. DYSLEXICON PART THREE

Nota bene: Selected definitions were first published in Oracle numbers
1, 2, 3 and 6 and are copyright 1992 and 1993 by the author. Others
are here published for the first time and all are copyrighted 2014.

DYSLEXICON: HIDDEN MEANINGS OF NEW AND COMMONPLACE AMERICAN WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS
PART THREE

KENTUCKY: American State. Principal import: junkies; principal export:
pork rinds.

KFC: A good salmonella; not a GREAT salmonella.

KISSINGER: One of the few modern American rulers who was not a Mason.
See KENNEDY.

KNOWLEDGE: A more sophisticated form of ignorance.

KNOWLEDGE: What EXPERTS control.

KRAFT-EBBING: The haunting fear of writer’s block.

KUMQUAT: Hideous orange thing drenched in a sickening sauce, served in
Chinese restaurants.

KUWAIT: SWITZERLAND with slaves and AIR-CONDITIONING.

LABOR DAY: A HOLIDAY WEEKEND; a symbolic orgy of consumption in which
humans hard-wired to hoard fats seek to commemorate the passing of the
light and warmth of the Summer Solstice.

LAS VEGAS: Former Mobster playpen now FAMILY playpen.

LAUGH-IN: Formerly popular TELEVISION program; psychedelia for drunks.

LED ZEPPELIN: Evil opposite of THE BEATLES.

LEGITIMATE: Any unwholesome activity which is not actually illegal.

LIBERALISM: Cult of guilt (Archaic).

LIBERTARIANISM: Anarchy for shitheads.

LIBRARIES: The church of the lower middle class.

LIFE INSURANCE: Extreme form of GAMBLING in which the winner always dies.

LIFE: A depressing circus full of grandiose humility.
LIFE: Simply a quiet accumulation of tyrannies and traumas.
LIFE: The process of riding our biases to their finale.

LINCOLN: American President whose head on a penny is used to calibrate
tread wear on AUTOMOBILE tires.

LITERACY: Marginal ability to interpret and retain data transmitted by
the printed word. Archaic since circa THE 1970s.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY, THE: A stage hog.

LOGIC: Euphemism for ruthlessness; pitiless REALISM. See COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS.

LONG WEEKEND: By POPULAR convention that time period set aside for
time-consuming, spontaneous activities. See HOLIDAY WEEKEND; WEEKEND.

LOS ANGELES: Where all of the wicked people (who are better at being
bad than you) end up living.

LOTTERIES: Surrogates for achievement.

LOVE: Like a long sneeze–a temporary derangement.

LUXURY TAXES: Portion control for gluttons.

LYNDON B. JOHNSON: Courage-impaired political wheeler-dealer whose
1968 abdication saved him from humiliating disgrace. See NIXON.

MADONNA: 21st century Marlene Dietrich.

MAFIA: Too much of a good thug.

MAINSTREAMING: Means lopping off 30 IQ points.

MALT: Popular panacea. See BEER.

MAN: The only animal who worries that he is only an animal.

MANAGERIAL ELITE: Overseers of urban plantations. See CORPORATIONS.

MARCH. A month of hope that, in about four weeks, it will all be over,
so we can do something we vastly prefer to enduring its weather; for
instance, filling out tax forms.

MARRIAGE: Made in heaven and lived in hell.

MASONS.  Participate in elaborate rituals, drink to excess, wear funny
costumes, and share a secret arcane knowledge. See ROCK AND ROLLERS.

MASONS: Non-conspiratorial group which nevertheless always manages to
see to it that all widely-disseminated information concerning them is
written by Masons. See MORMONS.

MASS MEDIA: A stained-glass window for imbeciles.

MASTURBATION: The poor man’s PlayStation.

MAXIM: Esquire for Bastards.

MAY: A month whose chief hallmark is that it begins with the first
sanctioned day for outdoor fornication.

ME: The new “You”.

MEDICATION: DRUGS. See MEDICINE.

MEDICINE: DRUGS approved by the police.

MEMOIR: Commemorates our self-deception.

MERCENARIES: An unapologetic killer elite. See SOLDIERS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS: This statement features two lies.

METABOLISM: Euphemism; the cause of all obesity.

MICROBREWS: The triumph of hop over experience.

MIDDLE AGES: Euphemism; a not-yet-passed period of human history
dominated by the presence of dependent serfs, dominant nobles, and
GOD-interpreting churchmen.

MIDDLE CLASSES: Euphemism; virtually universal social stratum of
dependent serfs from which its higher-echelon members aspire to
transcend, and whose values its lower-echelon members profess to
scorn.

MIDWEST, THE: The home territory of backwater racial passions and
darkest cornball.

MIDWESTERNERS: Friendly isolationists.

MILDLY DYSLEXIC: Euphemism; illiterate.

MINK COAT: Overlord’s rabbit foot.

MISCEGENATION: The knowledge of this term is the surest indicator of
education and socio-economic status (Archaic).

MONA LISA: A remote figure fit only to be travestied.

MONDAY: By POPULAR convention the worst day of the week. See FRIDAY.

MONEY: Symbolic waste product. See FECES.

MONOTHEISM: A concept so simple that many humans have resisted it for
over 7,000 years.

MOON: Symbolic of an ovum; object at which to shoot rockets.

MORMONS: Non-conspiratorial group which nevertheless always manages to
see to it that all widely-disseminated information concerning them is
written by Mormons. See MASONS.

MOTORCYCLES: Nature’s way of culling stupid humans from the herd.

MOVIES: Exciting boredom; bland, euphoria-inducing medium devised to
advertise bland, euphoria-inducing commodities; the EDUCATOR of
desire. See THE INTERNET; RADIO; TELEVISION.

MP3s: Free ear candy.

MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS. Armies with a CREDIT LINE.

MULTITASKING: Multislacking.

MURDER: A moral wrong (Archaic); an illegal, unsanctioned act unless
performed by designated officials or their employees.

MYSTICISM: Anything not susceptible to LOGIC.

MYTHOLOGY: Crazy stories by dead weirdos that bore us to tears.
MYTHOLOGY: Ideas that are believed by many people but that are not
true (archaic). The commodification of all folklore, and the
folklorization of all commodities.
MYTHOLOGY: Tales of legendary Gods and heroes (Archaic); anything not
strictly true but rendered highly appealing by the cynical
manipulation of symbol and archetype.

NARCOTICS: See DRUGS.

NATURAL: Pertaining to the products of nature (Archaic); a cultural
marker generally meaning that which is intended primarily for the use
of naive people or those with large discretionary incomes. See
ORGANIC.

NEGRO: A person of African descent (Archaic); a highly insulting term
used to designate older persons of African descent, or used
unironically by older persons not of African descent to describe
persons of African descent.

NEO-LIBERALISM: Cult of guilt-edged securities.

NEPOTISM: Genetic credits; selfish FAMILY-based altruism.

NERDS: Scrawny, usually LITERATE often non-procreating males whose existence
is usually inimical to boys who worship at the shrine of SPORTS

NEW AND IMPROVED: Popular redundancy used to signify NEW and GOOD.

NEW YORK CITY: HELL, but all of your friends are there.

NEW: GOOD.

NEWS. The most significant trivial events in recent memory.

NEWSMAGAZINE: An increasingly archaic medium in which INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTERS act as sanctioned stool pigeons.

NEWSPAPERS: Publications, frequently daily, formerly the principal
information medium for informed adults (Archaic).

NICE: Stupid. SEE PRO-SOCIAL.

NIETZSCHE: 19TH CENTURY German philosopher (Archaic); terrible man
driven crazy by syphilis who molested his sister and said something
awful about the need to whip women.

NONCONFORMISTS: CULTURAL deviants as defined by CULTURAL hierophants.

NONSENSE: Drivel, finely-tuned.

NORTHERNERS: Unfriendly idealists.

NOSTALGIA: More than what it used to be.

NOVEMBER: Has little to recommend itself save the prospect of gorging
oneself on dry meat in the presence of moist relatives.

NSC. National Security Council (Archaic); dissident national group
above the law assigned the task of formulating infiltrative strategies
regarding dissident foreign national groups above the law. See FBI,
NSC.

NUT COUNTRY: Popular euphemism for DALLAS.

OATS: Miraculous food formerly thought to ensure longevity (Archaic).

OBSCENE: Sexually profane (Archaic); objectionable.

OCCUPATION RULE: Dead Peasant Policies.

OCTOBER. On any given calendar, the picture accompanying October is
usually the most attractive one of all. In that respect, it is the
Potemkin month.

OFFICE WORK: Stupid coffee tricks.

OLD AGE PENSION: A guaranteed monthly post-retirement income
(Archaic). See SOCIAL SECURITY.

OLD: BAD.

ONLINE GAMING: A very commercial form of obsessive compulsive disorder.

OPERA: Sex substitute (Archaic). See DANCING.

OPINION: That which is POPULARLY THOUGHT.

ORGANIC: Pertaining to the products of nature (Archaic); a cultural
marker generally meaning that which is intended primarily for the use
of naive people or those with large discretionary incomes. See
NATURAL.

ORGANIZED RELIGION: Frozen morality.

OZONE: An inert gas feared and worshiped by ENVIRONMENTALISTS.

PARADOX: Noncontradictory oxymoron.

PAROLE: Temporary freedom.

PEPPERONI: Baloney with attitude.

PERIODICALS: Regularly published journals of OPINION (Archaic).

PEROT: Kilroy; Daddy Warchest; Wendell Willkie with big ears.

PETS: Children who can’t talk back.

PHILOSOPHY: Formulas for a well-lived life (Archaic); any rationale
for bad behavior.

PHILOSOPHY: You have put on your blindfold and you call it your philosophy.

PHOTOCOPIERS: Automated plagiarism; electronically generated graven
images; see DIGITAL MEDIA; FAX MACHINES.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Used to create replicas of real people.

PINK: FASHIONABLE color ca. 1955; Verging on COMMUNISTIC (Archaic).

PIPEHEAD: Genetically susceptible member of UNDERCLASS who has a
problem with IMPULSE CONTROL.

PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE: Jealous humanity’s revenge on the indestructible machine.

PLATINUM: The new gold.

PLUM: Rehydrated PRUNE.

POETRY: Metrical and rhythmic language with concentrated syntax and
imagery and a PHILOSOPHIC conclusion (Archaic); prose set out in
stanza form.

POISON IVY: State flower of West Virginia.

POLITICAL PUNDITRY: Angry sermons from joyless preachers.

POLITICAL PUNDITS. Shouting heads who spend most of their energy in
lynching a straw man.

POLITICALLY CORRECT: Group of co-religionist DISSIDENT OPINIONATED IDEOLOGUES.

POLITICIANS: Nihilists, masquerading as caretakers.

POLITICS: A shabby conspiracy among money hustlers.
POLITICS: A three ring circus in which the ringmasters are under
POLITICS: Sports for people who are too fat to run.

POLYUNSATURATED FATS: Low-calorie parrot meat.

POPPY: Panacea (Archaic). See BEER.

POPULAR: Name for anything which the LITERATE consider STUPID.

PORNOGRAPHY: One man’s meat.

POTATO SALAD: Adult ice cream.

POTHEADS: HIPPIE Victorians.

PRAGMATISM: Those who know what it is won’t admit it.

PREP SCHOOLS: Holding pens for the children of old money.

PRESIDENT: Symbolic ruler-priest of American empire.

PRIDE: Lasts but a moment. Egotism is forever.

PRIEST: Any person in touch with a higher power; see EXPERT.

PRIESTS: Magnificent egotists of the infinite.

PRISONER: Felonious monk.

PRISONS: Contain an embarrassment of wretches.

PROCREATION: The thief of time.

PROLIFIC: In desperate need of editorial oversight.

PROPERTY: What CAPITALISTS own, COMMUNISTS seek to confiscate,

PRO-SOCIAL: Stupid. SEE NICE.

PROSTITUTION: Illicit sale of services (Archaic); standard operating
procedure of the MIDDLE CLASS. See PROTECTIVE COLORATION.

PROTECTIVE COLORATION: In nature, any mode of concealment (Archaic);
standard operating procedure of the MIDDLE CLASS. See PROSTITUTION.

PROVERBS: Wisdom lite.

PRUDENCE: Bashfulness with good PR.

PRUNE: Dried PLUM (Archaic).

PSYCHIATRISTS: Pseudo-kin who lick your psychic wounds.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Any pharmaceutical regimen accompanied by benign interrogation.

PSYCHOTIC: Person suffering from a mental disease consisting of a
state of mind in which reality is perceived as unreliable (Archaic);
characteristic of the standard operating procedure in the ordering and
rendering of the data stream by those in control of it.

PUNDITS. Pimps for the Imperium.

PUTIN: A good five-cent Tsar.

Q-TIP: Patented device used to manufacture ear wax.

QUOTATION MARKS: The justifying margins of plagiarism.

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