MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
And now…Modern Wisdom Presents:
1. DARKLY BRIGHT
2. INJURIOUS DISTANCE
3. PAINTED BANQUET
4. CAPTAIN JEWELS
5. UNSWEPT STONE
6. FORMER CHILD
7. COMPOSED WONDER
8. WITS OF FORMER DAYS
9. SEQUENT TOIL
10. CROOKED ECLIPSES
11. DYSLEXICON PART TWO
Nota bene: Selected definitions were first published in Oracle numbers
1, 2, 3 and 6 and are copyright 1992 and 1993 by the author. Others
are here published for the first time and all are copyrighted 2014.
DYSLEXICON: HIDDEN MEANINGS OF NEW AND COMMONPLACE AMERICAN WORDS AND
DACHSHUNDS: Filthy German weiner dogs who eat badgers.
DALLAS: True but clandestine seat of power of the mid-to-late 20th
Century American Empire.
DANCING. Sexual display. SEE ART, SINGING.
DANCING: Sex substitute (Archaic). See OPERA.
DEAN MARTIN: A patron saint of inebriates who was popular in the 1960s.
DEATH: Like taxation, only kinder. Because it only happens once.
DEATH: The customer who comes just as the shop is closing up.
DECAFFEINATED COFFEE: Means whereby people are sold both a poisonous
alkaloid and its absence.
DECEMBER. The month most representative of life as lived; first cold;
then ever darker; then, finally, insensate from past excesses and
DEFINITION OF AMERICANS: Americans define themselves solely in terms
of what they consume.
DEMOCRACY: A wonderfully ingenious system in which the common people
voluntarily elect leaders who work against the interests of the common people.
DEMOCRACY: Political system in which the worst man wins.
DEMOCRATS: Weird pork-barrellers; children of a larger growth.
DETECTIVE NOVELS: Genre in which murder is the comic relief.
DIALECTS: Semi-LITERACY with good P.R.
DIAMONDS: Are a ghoul’s best friend.
DIETS: A famine affair. See FASTING.
DIGITAL MEDIA: Electronically generated graven images. See FAX
DINING OUT: The new equivalent to reading novels.
DISNEY: A poisoned lollipop.
DISNEYLAND: So-called amusement park staffed by anthropomorphic lackeys. See
DISNEYWORLD; WALT DISNEY.
DISNEYLAND: The Stalinization of kitsch.
DISNEYWORLD: So-called amusement park and surrounding environs staffed by
anthropomorphic lackeys. See DISNEYLAND; WALT DISNEY.
DISSIDENT: Protester of established political system (Archaic); any
DOLLAR: A paper penny.
DOMINOES: Small countries ripe for takeover by Communists (Archaic);
Pizza Chain famed for providing driving lessons to American teenagers.
DRIVE TIME RADIO: A toxic mix of ignorance, arrogance, and stubbornly
DRIVING: Dull poetry; popular 20th century meditative activity.
DRUG ADDICTS: Anyone who won’t share their DRUGS.
DRUGS: BRAND X MEDICINES.
DWEEBS: See NERDS.
DYSLEXIA: Popular euphemism for the inability to master the
increasingly marginal skill of LITERACY.
EAST COAST: The epileptic cerebellum of a pitiful helpless giant.
EASTER: Commemoration of the death of Christ (Archaic); a frantic
orgy of consumption in which humans hard-wired to hoard fats seek to
celebrate the passing of the dark and cold of the Winter Solstice.
EBAY: Knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
EDUCATED ELECTORATE: Republican Kryptonite.
EDUCATORS: Those usually able to master the increasingly marginal
skill of LITERACY who utilize their skills to transmit POPULAR
EGGS: Breakfast food (Archaic); See CHOLESTEROL.
EGYPT: Typhus-infested heap of sand and cinders (Archaic); fount of all wisdom.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: A hospital where teachers amputate your imagination.
ELEVATORS: Sterile oversized electrically-propelled dumbwaiters, many
formerly manned by chipper ILLITERATES.
ELITES: Carny barkers masquerading as EDUCATORS.
EMBRYOLOGY: Science which anti-abortionists remain studiously ignorant of.
EMERSON: Montaigne Lite.
EMOTION: Late TWENTIETH CENTURY sales technique.
ENGLISH LANGUAGE: Quaint tongue still passably spoken by a dwindling
majority of Americans.
ENTERTAINERS: Power clowns.
ENVIRONMENT: Anything irreplacable which careless Americans are
ENVIRONMENTALISTS: Puritans who apprehend litterbugs but allow
murderers to flourish.
ESPIONAGE: Secrets kept from women.
ETHICS: A system of moral beliefs (Archaic.)
ETHIOPIA: Fount of all human misery (Archaic). See SOMALIA.
EURODISNEY: So-called amusement park staffed by exotic anthropomorphic lackeys.
EVANGELICALS: Thoughtful practitioners of blind unquestioning faith.
EVIL EYE: See TELEVISION.
EXILE: Ideal state in which you no longer need to buy birthday
presents for your ungrateful relatives.
EXPERIENCE: A useful pill to purge optimism.
EXPERIENCE: Euphemism for SUFFERING; a cure for innocence.
EXPERTS: Gods of KNOWLEDGE.
EXPLORATION: Euphemism; EXPROPRIATION by powerful CORPORATIONS.
EXTORTION: Gratuities automatically added onto restaurant bills;
licensing fees; parking tickets; utility rates; school taxes; property
taxes; sales taxes; income taxes; estate taxes.
FACEBOOK: A hula-hoop of fail; a look-at-me shout-a-thon, and a
dazzling black hole of irrelevance.
FACEBOOK: a type of self-generated, self-fulfilling report card.
FACEBOOK: As compassionate as any machine knows how to be.
FACTORY: The factory is a temple, and chances are, the man who runs it
is a Shriner.
FAD: Any transient GOD.
FAME: An imbecile exercise.
FAMILY FRIENDLY: Insipid and dull.
FAMILY VALUES: Benevolent Totalitarianism.
FANATICISM: Belief exploded and hardened into dogma.
FARMERS: A CONSPIRACY of clannish, semi-reclusive kooks who control
the nation’s food supply (Archaic). See FISHERMEN.
FASCIST: Any fanatical property owner; anyone militant about property
values.See CAPITALIST; COMMUNIST.
FASHION: Protective coloration.
FASHIONABLE: Temporarily highlighted aspects of the data stream. See FAD.
FASTING: Trendy starvation. See DIETS.
FAST FOOD: A robot’s idea of home cooking.
FAST FOOD: Doesn’t make you want to eat. Rather, the exact opposite.
FATALISM: Undesirably frightening circumstantial REALISM. See BELIEFS.
FAX MACHINES: Electronically generated graven images; See DIGITAL
FAX: Teleportation lite.
FBI: Federal Bureau of Investigation (Archaic); Federal Bureau of
Instigation; dissident group above the law assigned the task of
infiltrating dissident groups above the law. See CIA, NSC.
FCC: Federal Communications Commission (Archaic); regulatory body
concerned with preventing the broadcast of scatological expressions on
public airwaves; regulatory body unconcerned with the consolidation of
control of public airwaves.
FEAR: Basic motive force. Largely built upon the foreseen exposure of
pretense. See BELIEFS; FATALISM; REALISM.
FEATHERS: Frequently compared to the weight of lead.
FEBRUARY. Nobody’s favorite month; its chief distinction and boon
consists of its merciful brevity.
FECES: Organic waste product. See MONEY.
FEMALE SOLDIERS: Warm and clean killers.
FEUDALISM: Persistent popular social system modified for 21st century
use with power relations replacing social ones, hence the speculative
nobles, the consumer serfs, the professional priesthood. See MIDDLE
FIG NEWTON: A zwieback cookie stuffed with seedy crud.
FIGURES. See DWEEBS; STAR TREK.
FINANCIAL SECURITY: Mythic state of monetary non-dependence to which
members of the MIDDLE CLASSES aspire.
FISHERMEN: A CONSPIRACY of clannish, semi-reclusive kooks who control
the nation’s fish supply (Archaic). See FARMERS.
FLAG: Shorthand for Leviathan.
FLEA MARKET: Mercantile stalls run by small, blood-sucking wingless insects.
FLEA: A small, blood-sucking wingless insect.
FLEETWOOD MAC: Musical groups whose works constituted a SOAP OPERA for POTHEADS.
FLUTES: A virus of music.
FM: Ear candy.
FOLK MUSIC: Archaic tribal songs yoked to self-righteous lyrics every
bit as oppressive as the injustices they seek to eradicate.
FOOD NETWORK, THE: Forklore.
FORCE: Not a remedy, but it sure feels good.
FORD: Not a Lincoln; White House janitor popularly designated
President during KISSINGER interregnum.
FREE GIFT: See GIFT.
FREE WILL: Neither will nor free.
FRIDAY: By POPULAR convention the best day of the week. See MONDAY.
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY: Misery for bachelors.
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY: The lowest common denominator.
FYLFOT: The pattern of the interplanetary magnetic field in the
ecliptic plain. See SWASTIKA.
GAMBLING: A concentrated form of symbolic mortality. See LIFE INSURANCE.
GARAGE SALE: Useless trash (Archaic); recyclable goods; waste
generated by an INDIVIDUAL or FAMILY; also, a household dossier. See
GARBAGE: Useless trash (Archaic); recyclable goods; waste generated by
an INDIVIDUAL or FAMILY; also, a household dossier.See GARAGE SALE.
GATED COMMUNITIES: Heartless shelters, where the heartless can go to
hide from the homeless.
GENIUS: Individual characterized by his or her ability to transcend
common limitations by utilizing a higher form of thought (Archaic);
any individual who can name all the AMERICAN PRESIDENTS in
GEORGE WASHINGTON: First AMERICAN PRESIDENT; now a figure of fun fit
only to be travestied.
GET WELL CARDS: Handled by the relatives of contagious sick people
GETTYSBURG: A Confederate WOODSTOCK.
GIFT: See FREE GIFT.
GOD: All that glitters.
GOD: Supreme being, deity (Archaic); any EXPERT or CELEBRITY.
GOOD CITIZENS: Those members of the MIDDLE CLASSES who can afford to be SUCKERS.
GOOD JOB: One with minimal work, maximum BENEFITS and JOB SECURITY.
GOOFY: A six foot tall retarded dog. See BABY HUEY.
GOSSIP COLUMN: Dark matter; star drek.
GOSSIP: The way in which humans squawk their warnings to one another.
GOTHS: Always going for Baroque.
GOURMET COFFEE: For people who wish they still used Drugs.
GRAFFITI: Philosophy with the world “fuck” thrown in.
GRAPHIC NOVELS: The intersection of art and trash.
GREEK PHILOSOPHY: Don’t bend down to pick up the soap.
GUARDIAN ANGELS: Personal spirits devoted to one’s personal welfare
(Archaic); vigilante thugs in red berets.
HALLOWEEN: All Hallow’s Eve (Archaic); a symbolic orgy of consumption
in which humans hard-wired to hoard fats mourn the final passing of
the Autumn Solstice and the approach of the dark and cold of the
HAMSTER: Insatiably greedy voracious rodents thought to be the perfect
pet for children.
HATE: Will also find a way.
HEALTH FOOD: Comestibles popularly believed to promote longevity
though every bit as dead as junk food.
HEGEL: Was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
HELEN KELLER: Deaf and blind socialist who felt Eisenhower’s face.
HELL: Just one thing damned after another.
HELL: Place of eternal torment reserved for the damned following
unrepentant or unsacralized death (Archaic); any unpleasant place or
HERACLITIS: No one ever reads the same Heraclitis twice.
HERITAGE: That which is outmoded.
HEROIN: The long sought-after cure for the common cold.
HIGH STANDARD OF LIVING: A discretionary income sufficient generate
interest income and to purchase luxuries and investment property
(Archaic); basic fiscal competence.
HIPPIE: Industrial-age nature cultist. See BOHEMIAN.
HIPSTER: Respectable HOBO.
HIPSTER: To be a hipster is to be 22 forever.
HIPSTERS: Desperately seek corporate sponsorship for their dangerously
HIPSTERS:. Walk on the cutting edge of Nostalgia.
HISTORY: Repeats itself, but so does grandpa.
HOBO: See HOMELESS PERSON; SOCIALIST.
HOBOES: The new zombies.
HOLIDAY WEEKEND: By POPULAR convention that time period set aside for
time-consuming, spontaneous activities. See LONG WEEKEND; WEEKEND.
HOLLYWOOD STARS: Avatars of the moron Zeitgeist.
HOLLYWOOD: Home of the moron Zeitgeist.
HOLLYWOOD: The whole atmosphere is that of prostitution, except for
the prostitutes, who are the sole professionals.
HOMELESS PERSON: See BUM.
HORNETS: Vice Squad crackdowns on prostitution.
HUMANS: The only animals who create effigies of themselves.
HYPNOSIS: Technique which promotes the imposition of a sleeplike state
in which the subject heeds only the messages of the hypnotist. See
ID CARDS: Plastic spies.
IDEALISM: Any system of thought which is doomed to failure.
IDEAS: INDIVIDUAL THOUGHTS (Archaic). See OPINIONS.
IDEOLOGICAL: Term used to characterize any argument which is too IDEALISTIC.
IDEOLOGIES: Like fine wines which need to be swirled around in the
mouth then vigorously spat out–never swallowed.
IDEOLOGY: Melts in your mind, not in your mouth.
IDEOLOGY: Tomorrow’s fable.
IDIOTS: See COUSINS.
IGNORANCE: Stunted KNOWLEDGE.
IMPOVERISHMENT: The poor man’s profession.
IMPRACTICALITY: The American Original Sin.
IMPRESSIONISM: Elevated myopia.
IMPULSE CONTROL: Skill which authority figures demand of children and
THE POOR; high prophet of Capitalistic practice.
INCA RELIGION: System of BELIEFS, based on the idea that objects have
magical powers. See CONSUMERISM.
INDIVIDUAL: Unscientific term used to describe the residual belief
that one person possessed unique qualities before it became widely
known that individual consciousness is merely a self-generated
illusion (Archaic). See THOUGHT.
INFORMANTS: Good criminals who help police officials capture bad criminals.
INJURIOUS SECTOR ECONOMY: See SERVICE SECTOR ECONOMY.
INTEGRATED CIRCUITRY: Still suspect south of the Mason-Dixon line.
INTELLECTUALS: Shiver beneath their carapace of postmodern knowingness.
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS: LEGITIMATE public INFORMANTS.
IRREPARABLE: That which is outmoded.
JANUARY. Commonly begins with a hangover, which is meant to represent
a bold new beginning.
JIG: Cromwell in 6/8.
JOB SECURITY: Mythic state in which non-performance of work-related
duties could never result in termination.
JOHN F. KENNEDY: Drug-dependent playboy executive whose murder made
him a martyr-king. See JOHN LENNON.
JOHN HINCKLEY: Would-be presidential assassin who didn’t know his guns.
JOHN LENNON: Drug-dependent playboy musician whose murder made him a
martyr-king. See JOHN F. KENNEDY.
JOHNNY THUNDERS: DEAN MARTIN with the puke out in the open.
JOURNALISM: The fine art of delicately lancing a suppurating boil.
JOURNALISTS: form a cheering section for the conventional wisdom.
JOURNALISTS: Garbagemen. Except that garbagemen take the trash away.
JUICE BLENDS: The lazy man’s cornucopia.
JULY. Commonly the month in which the enjoyment of carefree fun is
JUNE: School is out. Let the real learning begin.