MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 189 JULY 2014

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 189
JULY 2014

Copyright 2014 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

And now…Modern Wisdom Presents:

1. DARKLY BRIGHT
2. INJURIOUS DISTANCE
3. PAINTED BANQUET
4. CAPTAIN JEWELS
5. UNSWEPT STONE
6. FORMER CHILD
7. COMPOSED WONDER
8. WITS OF FORMER DAYS
9. SEQUENT TOIL
10. CROOKED ECLIPSES

11. DYSLEXICON PART TWO

Nota bene: Selected definitions were first published in Oracle numbers
1, 2, 3 and 6 and are copyright 1992 and 1993 by the author. Others
are here published for the first time and all are copyrighted 2014.

DYSLEXICON: HIDDEN MEANINGS OF NEW AND COMMONPLACE AMERICAN WORDS AND
EXPRESSIONS
PART TWO

DACHSHUNDS: Filthy German weiner dogs who eat badgers.

DALLAS: True but clandestine seat of power of the mid-to-late 20th
Century American Empire.

DANCING. Sexual display. SEE ART, SINGING.

DANCING: Sex substitute (Archaic). See OPERA.

DEAN MARTIN: A patron saint of inebriates who was popular in the 1960s.

DEATH: Like taxation, only kinder. Because it only happens once.

DEATH: The customer who comes just as the shop is closing up.

DECAFFEINATED COFFEE: Means whereby people are sold both a poisonous
alkaloid and its absence.

DECEMBER. The month most representative of life as lived; first cold;
then ever darker; then, finally, insensate from past excesses and
revels.

DEFINITION OF AMERICANS: Americans define themselves solely in terms
of what they consume.

DEMOCRACY: A wonderfully ingenious system in which the common people
voluntarily elect leaders who work against the interests of the common people.

DEMOCRACY: Political system in which the worst man wins.

DEMOCRATS: Weird pork-barrellers; children of a larger growth.

DETECTIVE NOVELS: Genre in which murder is the comic relief.

DIALECTS: Semi-LITERACY with good P.R.

DIAMONDS: Are a ghoul’s best friend.

DIETS: A famine affair. See FASTING.

DIGITAL MEDIA: Electronically generated graven images. See FAX
MACHINES; PHOTOCOPIERS.

DINING OUT: The new equivalent to reading novels.

DISNEY: A poisoned lollipop.

DISNEYLAND: So-called amusement park staffed by anthropomorphic lackeys. See
DISNEYWORLD; WALT DISNEY.

DISNEYLAND: The Stalinization of kitsch.

DISNEYWORLD: So-called amusement park and surrounding environs staffed by
anthropomorphic lackeys. See DISNEYLAND; WALT DISNEY.

DISSIDENT: Protester of established political system (Archaic); any
wrongheaded IDEOLOGUE.

DOLLAR: A paper penny.

DOMINOES: Small countries ripe for takeover by Communists (Archaic);
Pizza Chain famed for providing driving lessons to American teenagers.

DRIVE TIME RADIO: A toxic mix of ignorance, arrogance, and stubbornly
wrongheaded ideology.

DRIVING: Dada.

DRIVING: Dull poetry; popular 20th century meditative activity.

DRUG ADDICTS: Anyone who won’t share their DRUGS.

DRUGS: BRAND X MEDICINES.

DWEEBS: See NERDS.

DYSLEXIA: Popular euphemism for the inability to master the
increasingly marginal skill of LITERACY.

EAST COAST: The epileptic cerebellum of a pitiful helpless giant.

EASTER: Commemoration of the death of Christ (Archaic);  a frantic
orgy of consumption in which humans hard-wired to hoard fats seek to
celebrate the passing of the dark and cold of the Winter Solstice.

EBAY: Knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

EDUCATED ELECTORATE: Republican Kryptonite.

EDUCATORS: Those usually able to master the increasingly marginal
skill of LITERACY who utilize their skills to transmit POPULAR
pieties.

EGGS: Breakfast food (Archaic); See CHOLESTEROL.

EGYPT: Typhus-infested heap of sand and cinders (Archaic); fount of all wisdom.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: A hospital where teachers amputate your imagination.

ELEVATORS: Sterile oversized electrically-propelled dumbwaiters, many
formerly manned by chipper ILLITERATES.

ELITES: Carny barkers masquerading as EDUCATORS.

EMBRYOLOGY: Science which anti-abortionists remain studiously ignorant of.

EMERSON: Montaigne Lite.

EMOTION: Late TWENTIETH CENTURY sales technique.

ENGLISH LANGUAGE: Quaint tongue still passably spoken by a dwindling
majority of Americans.

ENTERTAINERS: Power clowns.

ENVIRONMENT: Anything irreplacable which careless Americans are
currently destroying.

ENVIRONMENTALISTS: Puritans who apprehend litterbugs but allow
murderers to flourish.

ESPIONAGE: Secrets kept from women.

ETHICS: A system of moral beliefs (Archaic.)

ETHIOPIA: Fount of all human misery (Archaic). See SOMALIA.

EURODISNEY: So-called amusement park staffed by exotic anthropomorphic lackeys.

EVANGELICALS: Thoughtful practitioners of blind unquestioning faith.

EVIL EYE: See TELEVISION.

EXILE: Ideal state in which you no longer need to buy birthday
presents for your ungrateful relatives.

EXPERIENCE: A useful pill to purge optimism.

EXPERIENCE: Euphemism for SUFFERING; a cure for innocence.

EXPERTS: Gods of KNOWLEDGE.

EXPLORATION: Euphemism; EXPROPRIATION by powerful CORPORATIONS.

EXTORTION: Gratuities automatically added onto restaurant bills;
licensing fees; parking tickets; utility rates; school taxes; property
taxes; sales taxes; income taxes; estate taxes.

FACEBOOK: A hula-hoop of fail; a look-at-me shout-a-thon, and a
dazzling black hole of irrelevance.
FACEBOOK: a type of self-generated, self-fulfilling report card.
FACEBOOK: As compassionate as any machine knows how to be.

FACTORY: The factory is a temple, and chances are, the man who runs it
is a Shriner.

FAD: Any transient GOD.

FAITH: Credulousness.

FAME: An imbecile exercise.

FAMILY FRIENDLY: Insipid and dull.

FAMILY VALUES: Benevolent Totalitarianism.

FANATICISM: Belief exploded and hardened into dogma.

FARMERS: A CONSPIRACY of clannish, semi-reclusive kooks who control
the nation’s food supply (Archaic). See FISHERMEN.

FASCIST: Any fanatical property owner; anyone militant about property
values.See CAPITALIST; COMMUNIST.

FASHION: Protective coloration.

FASHIONABLE: Temporarily highlighted aspects of the data stream. See FAD.

FASTING: Trendy starvation. See DIETS.

FAST FOOD: A robot’s idea of home cooking.
FAST FOOD: Doesn’t make you want to eat. Rather, the exact opposite.

FATALISM: Undesirably frightening circumstantial REALISM. See BELIEFS.

FAX MACHINES: Electronically generated graven images; See DIGITAL
MEDIA; PHOTOCOPIERS.

FAX: Teleportation lite.

FBI: Federal Bureau of Investigation (Archaic); Federal Bureau of
Instigation; dissident group above the law assigned the task of
infiltrating dissident groups above the law. See CIA, NSC.

FCC: Federal Communications Commission (Archaic); regulatory body
concerned with preventing the broadcast of scatological expressions on
public airwaves; regulatory body unconcerned with the consolidation of
control of public airwaves.

FEAR: Basic motive force. Largely built upon the foreseen exposure of
pretense. See BELIEFS; FATALISM; REALISM.

FEATHERS: Frequently compared to the weight of lead.

FEBRUARY. Nobody’s favorite month; its chief distinction and boon
consists of its merciful brevity.

FECES: Organic waste product. See MONEY.

FEE. Bribe.

FEMALE SOLDIERS: Warm and clean killers.

FEUDALISM: Persistent popular social system modified for 21st century
use with power relations replacing social ones, hence the speculative
nobles, the consumer serfs, the professional priesthood. See MIDDLE
AGES.

FIG NEWTON: A zwieback cookie stuffed with seedy crud.

FIGURES. See DWEEBS; STAR TREK.

FINANCIAL SECURITY: Mythic state of monetary non-dependence to which
members of the MIDDLE CLASSES aspire.

FISHERMEN: A CONSPIRACY of clannish, semi-reclusive kooks who control
the nation’s fish supply (Archaic). See FARMERS.

FLAG: Shorthand for Leviathan.

FLEA MARKET: Mercantile stalls run by small, blood-sucking wingless insects.
FLEA: A small, blood-sucking wingless insect.

FLEETWOOD MAC: Musical groups whose works constituted a SOAP OPERA for POTHEADS.

FLUTES: A virus of music.

FM: Ear candy.

FOLK MUSIC: Archaic tribal songs yoked to self-righteous lyrics every
bit as oppressive as the injustices they seek to eradicate.

FOOD NETWORK, THE: Forklore.

FORCE: Not a remedy, but it sure feels good.

FORD: Not a Lincoln; White House janitor popularly designated
President during KISSINGER interregnum.

FREE GIFT: See GIFT.

FREE WILL: Neither will nor free.

FRIDAY: By POPULAR convention the best day of the week. See MONDAY.

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY: Misery for bachelors.
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY: The lowest common denominator.

FYLFOT: The pattern of the interplanetary magnetic field in the
ecliptic plain. See SWASTIKA.

GAMBLING: A concentrated form of symbolic mortality. See LIFE INSURANCE.

GARAGE SALE: Useless trash (Archaic); recyclable goods; waste
generated by an INDIVIDUAL or FAMILY; also, a household dossier. See
GARBAGE.

GARBAGE: Useless trash (Archaic); recyclable goods; waste generated by
an INDIVIDUAL or FAMILY; also, a household dossier.See GARAGE SALE.

GATED COMMUNITIES:  Heartless shelters, where the heartless can go to
hide from the homeless.

GENIUS: Individual characterized by his or her ability to transcend
common limitations by utilizing a higher form of thought (Archaic);
any individual who can name all the AMERICAN PRESIDENTS in
chronological order.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: First AMERICAN PRESIDENT; now a figure of fun fit
only to be travestied.

GET WELL CARDS: Handled by the relatives of contagious sick people

GETTYSBURG: A Confederate WOODSTOCK.

GIFT: See FREE GIFT.

GOD: All that glitters.

GOD: Supreme being, deity (Archaic); any EXPERT or CELEBRITY.

GOOD CITIZENS: Those members of the MIDDLE CLASSES who can afford to be SUCKERS.

GOOD JOB: One with minimal work, maximum BENEFITS and JOB SECURITY.

GOOFY: A six foot tall retarded dog. See BABY HUEY.

GOSSIP COLUMN: Dark matter; star drek.

GOSSIP: The way in which humans squawk their warnings to one another.

GOTHS: Always going for Baroque.

GOURMET COFFEE: For people who wish they still used Drugs.

GRAFFITI: Philosophy with the world “fuck” thrown in.

GRAPHIC NOVELS: The intersection of art and trash.

GREEK PHILOSOPHY: Don’t bend down to pick up the soap.

GUARDIAN ANGELS: Personal spirits devoted to one’s personal welfare
(Archaic); vigilante thugs in red berets.

HALLOWEEN: All Hallow’s Eve (Archaic); a symbolic orgy of consumption
in which humans hard-wired to hoard fats mourn the final passing of
the Autumn Solstice and the approach of the dark and cold of the
Winter Solstice.

HAMSTER: Insatiably greedy voracious rodents thought to be the perfect
pet for children.

HATE: Will also find a way.

HEALTH FOOD: Comestibles popularly believed to promote longevity
though every bit as dead as junk food.

HEGEL: Was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary.

HELEN KELLER: Deaf and blind socialist who felt Eisenhower’s face.

HELL: Just one thing damned after another.

HELL: Place of eternal torment reserved for the damned following
unrepentant or unsacralized death (Archaic); any unpleasant place or
experience.

HERACLITIS: No one ever reads the same Heraclitis twice.

HERITAGE: That which is outmoded.

HEROIN: The long sought-after cure for the common cold.

HIGH STANDARD OF LIVING: A discretionary income sufficient generate
interest income and to purchase luxuries and investment property
(Archaic); basic fiscal competence.

HIPPIE: Industrial-age nature cultist. See BOHEMIAN.

HIPSTER: Respectable HOBO.
HIPSTER: To be a hipster is to be 22 forever.

HIPSTERS: Desperately seek corporate sponsorship for their dangerously
bohemian attitudes.
HIPSTERS:. Walk on the cutting edge of Nostalgia.

HISTORY: Repeats itself, but so does grandpa.

HOBO: See HOMELESS PERSON; SOCIALIST.

HOBOES: The new zombies.

HOLIDAY WEEKEND: By POPULAR convention that time period set aside for
time-consuming, spontaneous activities. See LONG WEEKEND; WEEKEND.

HOLLYWOOD STARS: Avatars of the moron Zeitgeist.

HOLLYWOOD: Home of the moron Zeitgeist.
HOLLYWOOD: The whole atmosphere is that of prostitution, except for
the prostitutes, who are the sole professionals.

HOMELESS PERSON: See BUM.

HORNETS: Vice Squad crackdowns on prostitution.

HUMANS: The only animals who create effigies of themselves.

HYPNOSIS: Technique which promotes the imposition of a sleeplike state
in which the subject heeds only the messages of the hypnotist. See
TELEVISION.

ID CARDS: Plastic spies.

IDEALISM: Any system of thought which is doomed to failure.

IDEAS: INDIVIDUAL THOUGHTS (Archaic). See OPINIONS.

IDEOLOGICAL: Term used to characterize any argument which is too IDEALISTIC.

IDEOLOGIES: Like fine wines which need to be swirled around in the
mouth then vigorously spat out–never swallowed.

IDEOLOGY: Melts in your mind, not in your mouth.
IDEOLOGY: Tomorrow’s fable.

IDIOTS: See COUSINS.

IGNORANCE: Stunted KNOWLEDGE.

IMPOVERISHMENT: The poor man’s profession.

IMPRACTICALITY: The American Original Sin.

IMPRESSIONISM: Elevated myopia.

IMPULSE CONTROL: Skill which authority figures demand of children and
THE POOR; high prophet of Capitalistic practice.

INCA RELIGION: System of BELIEFS, based on the idea that objects have
magical powers. See CONSUMERISM.

INDIVIDUAL: Unscientific term used to describe the residual belief
that one person possessed unique qualities before it became widely
known that individual consciousness is merely a self-generated
illusion (Archaic). See THOUGHT.

INFORMANTS: Good criminals who help police officials capture bad criminals.

INJURIOUS SECTOR ECONOMY: See SERVICE SECTOR ECONOMY.

INTEGRATED CIRCUITRY: Still suspect south of the Mason-Dixon line.

INTELLECTUALS: Shiver beneath their carapace of postmodern knowingness.

INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS: LEGITIMATE public INFORMANTS.

IRREPARABLE: That which is outmoded.

JANUARY. Commonly begins with a hangover, which is meant to represent
a bold new beginning.

JIG: Cromwell in 6/8.

JOB SECURITY: Mythic state in which non-performance of work-related
duties could never result in termination.

JOHN F. KENNEDY: Drug-dependent playboy executive whose murder made
him a martyr-king. See JOHN LENNON.

JOHN HINCKLEY: Would-be presidential assassin who didn’t know his guns.

JOHN LENNON: Drug-dependent playboy musician whose murder made him a
martyr-king. See JOHN F. KENNEDY.

JOHNNY THUNDERS: DEAN MARTIN with the puke out in the open.

JOURNALISM: The fine art of delicately lancing a suppurating boil.

JOURNALISTS: form a cheering section for the conventional wisdom.
JOURNALISTS: Garbagemen. Except that garbagemen take the trash away.

JUICE BLENDS: The lazy man’s cornucopia.

JULY. Commonly the month in which the enjoyment of carefree fun is
considered compulsory.

JUNE: School is out. Let the real learning begin.

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THE INFORMATION #791 JULY 4, 2014

THE INFORMATION #791
JULY 4, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of
the intelligence.–Edgar Allan Poe

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART SEVENTEEN: THE MAYOR OF HELL

Red Mary’s uneasy sleep only lasted until the early evening.

“I’m a bad girl” said Red Mary, as she sat upright upon her bed by the
light of a single flickering taper in her dimly lit room and she
looked at me all squinty-eyed. “I’m a bad girl,” said she, and blew a
curl from off her forehead. Her face had grown thin–almost
gaunt–which made her eyes look even bigger than they already were.

“Smash Conklin is out to get me,” said Red Mary.

“Hush,” said Doc Ketman, “it was for nothing you’d done to him. I
won’t let him. You’re under my protection.”

“No! You let me go! You don’t understand! I’m a bad girl, I’ve been
bad,” said Red Mary–and she flared her nostrils.

“I’m bad,” she said, almost shouting, and pressed her lips together.
They were painted red, though some of the red had worn off and you
could see some of the pale almost whiteness of her lips beneath.

“I’m bad,” she said, in a whisper, and she squeezed her eyes shut and
showed her white teeth. You could see faint wrinkles beneath her eyes
where the powder had worn off.

“I’m bad,” she said, and gave Doc Ketman a sort of doubting frown.

“What makes you say you’re bad, Mary?” said he and she looked at
Ketman  only she kept her eyes closed as she faced them and she said
in a pouty whisper, “You’ll see. I’m bad.” And although I was only all
of twelve years old, even I could see where this was heading and so
could Ketman–so he gave her some valerian and tried to make her drink
some hop tea though she balked at the bitter taste.

“Why do you say you’re bad Mary?” said Ketman and she fluffed her hair
which was up in a kind of bun and gave him a long and serious look and
she said “The Devil’s got hold of me.”

“Why do you say it’s the Devil,” said Ketman, and she sucked in her
cheeks and looked at him with wide eyes and said, “I see the Devil
everywhere.”

“Tell me more,” said Ketman, “there are charms I can use to repel even
Lucifer his own self if need be, but you have to tell me where you see
these devils.”

Red Mary adjusted her hair which was actually a blonde wig which was
poorly balanced on her head and when she took it off to scratch
underneath you could see that she or some other person had cut off
nearly all the hair on her scalp until she was almost bald–she must
have done the job herself because the procedure had been done badly,
and clumsy tufts of light brown hair still stood over portions of her
head her scissors had missed.

“When I was a good girl,” said she, “I used to see God.”

“See him where?”

“In the flowers and birds and trees.”  She held her chin up and gave
us both an ernest look. “But the devil’s got me now,” she said, and
she batted her eyelashes.

“Drink your tea,” said Ketman, and she said, “No, it’s bitter. Bitter
like the Devil himself. God is sweet and sour. The devil is salty and
bitter.”

“Why do you say this?” said Ketman, and I have to say that the
red-bearded fox-faced rascal looked slightly appalled and frightened
his own self as he asked her, as though she had hit upon a series of
uncomfortable truths that it wasn’t fitten to discuss in public.

Red Mary put her ill-fitting wig back on and gave us both a strained
look with her eyes and a deep frown which indicated that she was
profoundly unhappy with the question.

“I know it. Don’t ask me how, only I do. My mouth tastes like dead pennies. O,
there’s a devil in this very room.  A spirit or an imp who’s causing
mischief,” and she tilted her head and and rolled her eyes upward
until the pupils were almost hidden and she looked for a moment as
though she were about to swoon away.

“You have to be real careful when you say the Devil,” said Ketman, and
he stroked his patchy red chin whiskers and I thought that the
shadow of the sole candle which was lighting the room  made him look
somewhat devilish his own self.

Red Mary tilted her head up at both of us and exposed her white throat
as though she were waiting for the Devil Himself to come along and cut
it for her.

“But I know the Devil,” said she, and she sucked in her cheeks as
though she were eating a lemon. A tuft of hair from her wig stood
straight out from over her right ear as she said it, and the room seem
charged with a peculiar electricity. “Because I’m a bad girl.” She
squinted her eyes again, and you could see she was gritting her teeth
as she struggled to express herself.

She smiled and squinted and her nose grew bright red and she blushed.
“I know the Devil, she said, “and I would never use that name in
vain.” She winked and squinted and gave a sad smile in which she
exposed the top row of her white teeth, which made her look vaguely
like a horse.

“I’m no hothouse flower,” said Red Mary. “And…I’ve been around. I
know the secret of the Devil.”  She opened her eyes wide but she
didn’t smile, which gave her face a lost and lonely expression.

She bowed her head as though she were a penitent in a church and spoke
the following words in a whisper. “The devil is everywhere that God is
not.”

When she finished this short speech she gave us both an frank and
knowing and some would say an insolent look and she put on a slight
sneer to her upturned lip as if to say, “And what are you going to do
about it?”

Anyone else would have taken her for mad but Doc Ketman looked at me
and whispered from the side of his mouth, “Step carefully Yob–all
will be well–but we dasn’t leave this room until we’ve heard more
about what ails her. “

1*SALUTATION
THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE STARTING A VINYL COLLECTION
http://www.buzzfeed.com/perpetua/things-you-should-know-before-starting-a-vinyl-collection

2*REFERENCE
21 CHARTS THAT EXPLAIN HOW THE US IS CHANGING
http://www.vox.com/a/how-the-us-is-changing

3*HUMOR
YO MAMA
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/youre_ugly.asp
http://www.jokes4us.com/yomamajokes/yomamasostupidjokes.html
http://www.jokes4us.com/yomamaj…/yomamasuchaslutjokes.html
http://www.yomommaso.com/

http://www.jokes4us.com/yomamajokes/yomamasofatjokes.html

http://www.agehumor.com/

ALSO SEE:

CREEPY CLOWN ON STATEN ISLAND

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EwQaPQjjk0

4*NOVELTY
THE FIFTEEN MOST HATED BANDS OF THE LAST 15 YEARS
http://www.salon.com/2013/08/10/15_most_hated_bands_of_last_30_years/

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
YOUTUBE ABOUT TO DELETE INDEPENDENT BANDS FROM ITS SITE
http://www.forbes.com/sites/hughmcintyre/2014/06/18/youtube-is-about-to-delete-independent-artists-from-its-site/

6* DAILY UTILITY
MAKE EPIC PANCAKES WITH YOUR JAPANESE RICE COOKER
http://en.rocketnews24.com/2014/06/14/how-to-make-epic-pancakes-with-your-japanese-rice-cooker/

7*CARTOON
31 BAD DESIGNS
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/crimes-against-design?bftw=main

ALSO SEE:
UNLIKELY PHRASES FROM REAL PHRASEBOOKS
http://www.zompist.com/thought.html

8*PRESCRIPTION
58 COGNITIVE BIASES THAT SCREW UP EVERYTHING WE DO
http://www.businessinsider.com/cognitive-biases-2014-6?op=1

9*RUMOR PATROL
MOST LIBERAL AND CONSERVATIVE TOWNS IN YOUR STATE
http://www.vox.com/2014/6/22/5830288/this-map-shows-the-most-liberal-and-conservative-towns-in-your-state

10* LAGNIAPPE
PEOPLE WITH HIGH IQS SEE THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2331580/People-high-IQs-really-DO-world-differently-Researchers-process-sensory-information-differently.html

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
THE KING OF QUEENS
Quite possibly the most enjoyable sitcom ever made, mostly because of
its faithfulness to all the modern-day tropes of the successful
comedy. Fat guys who marry hotties, inane sitcom dialogue, painfully
vulgar sexual innuendos, stupidity set up on a throne for baffled
proles to worship… what’s not to love? Now, if only they would adopt
a lovable pet monkey, I think we’d have all the bases covered for some
rollicking entertainment.

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
748. FLANNERY O’CONNOR ON AYN RAND
http://www.openculture.com/2014/06/flannery-oconnor-friends-dont-let-friends-read-ayn-rand-1960.html

749. MOVIE IDEA: SUPERWOLF

The aliens take a werewolf to the moon where he becomes a super werewolf and destroys them all. Exposition: 10 minutes. Slaughter: 80 minutes. Roll credits. 

THE INFORMATION #790 JUNE 27, 2014

THE INFORMATION #790
JUNE 27, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

I believe in work, hard work, and long hours of work. Men do not
breakdown from overwork, but from worry and dissipation.–Charles
Evans Hughes

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART SIXTEEN: THE MAYOR OF HELL
The following day, Red Mary had calmed down some, but she was soon to
have a relapse on account of having been hit with a crisis in her
affairs, one which she shakily explained to me and Doc Ketman.

“Watch out for this one, Yob,” said she, addressing Ketman. as she sat
in flustered agitation upon her parlor divan, mottled with purple
flowers on a field of sky blue.  She was holding an order to appear in
court, signed, in a shaky hand, by Judge Rance Sniffle.

“He’s deadly poison. I refer to the Judge. All the harlots call him
Handsome Rance because he is anything but. Everything he says he says
with a gurgle, as though he were clearing his bloated throat. “

“O!” she said, as Ketman tried to soothe her. “If only the yellofs
would be quiet around here,” Red Mary moaned. “Nobody learns nought
when they’re banging about. Can’t you make them stop? Wise up! Ugh,
the Judge was always an ugly brute.  Always trying to show the other
yellof up. I don’t care if he burns. Never pays attention to anything
but his own self. Never tells the truth if a lie will do. Old
waffle-face!  He had a mouth like a cobweb and was possessed with the
spirit of the Devil.”

“Hush, Mary, hush,” said Doc Ketman, who took invocations of the Evil
One quite seriously. “Tread lightly.”

“Worst judge in the world.  Served canned salmon and other
hishee-hashee to the hard cons in stir. Left Joe Bolden to die in the
gutter with a broken cornet. Brushed the coat of big wheels like Cokey
Stolas, the Devil incarnate. “

“Hush, Mary, hush,” said Doc Ketman. “Gentle, gentle. Take a deeeeep
breath, now, and breathe.”

Red Mary was delirious with fever, or maybe it was from drug
withdrawal, but her stories about The Old Judge were enough to make
your eyes water.

“He was always on the slosh. Open to all the possibilities. Surrounded
by the yips. Spinning around in circles. Round about midnight the
coffin varnish would wear off and he would be first tittering and then
screaming at the girls in the brothel to pluck the bugs off’n him. He
teetered on the cusp. And you should have heard the old sinner shout.
‘Hack. Kumpf. Stop the music! Preserve my soul! I’d move the mountains
to be free of these pests! This must be a dream! Ugh, my heart! It’s
set to explode. Look at the cobwebs! Spiders! Spiders! Black as melted
midnight! More light! More light! My golden soul! Sweet gratitude! Are
those the faces of the dead? I and I and I and I! The grapes are sour.
Open the window! Archangels and Cherubs, show me the face of God!
Where is my angel? Where O where O where? Waiting in the wings. Help O
Help O Help! I’m in trouble! Please help me!’ “

“Well he might call upon divine intervention for a helping hand. When
he was in one of his alky fits, I heerd he’d collapse in the arms of a
nigger whore and go on and on like that for a full hour, if you let
him. It took a full quart of giggly water to set him straight. Every
time he got two pints low he would get the inside meemies. Mother of
God! Doesn’t take a miracle worker to know he had the booze habit
bad.”

“When he was half sober the Old Judge lived to mine the gold of the
city’s graft. He would preside from the bench by day, sitting on the
merry-go-round, sending working girls to the hoosegow, girls who were
working slinging hash–and other things–playing ring a rosy with the
bailiff, and by night he would be in a low crib cavortin’ with the
very same types of whores he sent up earlier in the day. Clouds of
glory! Him, with his long watch-chain and his blubber belly and his
face riddled with disease and vice. He lived a hell of a life. It was
enough to make an old bag shudder. No wonder whores take to the drink,
and to worse vices.

“He was a pompous old fat cat–but he was risky business. He was
sensitive to God’s bouquets. Him, as would beat on the whores– and
you couldn’t touch him, much less give him the bum’s rush. I never let
him in my house, that’s why he’s got it in for me. Him, and the
Pinkertons, and President Roosevelt too. Learn from the stones. The
Judge, he makes all his money by living gently with himself–and
others. He’s gentle as a lambkin–just as long as you got the money to
keep yourself out of stir. Money which he himself pocketed more than
his fair share of. Nobody looks twice when a judge hollars not guilty
for lack of evidence. But when there’s a mistrial in a case where the
yob was caught red-handed with a smoking red hot pistol in his bloody
dukes, there now is some cause for concern. Even the Newsboys was
scared of him, and those wild little yobs who live out in the
street–most of ’em ain’t skeered o’ nothin’. Let’s not even talk
about the reporters. No wonder Chinatown runs wild–he takes regular
stopper-your-gob brass from the “Mayor” and the tongs, both–to say
nothing of the ordinary Chins and Chows.

“Listen: When it comes to taking his rake-off, the Judge was afraid of
no man, alive ner dead. He was a man of rare ability–able to steal
rings and even gold teeth from the bodies of dead men–though I don’t
think he goes in there with the pliers himself, he’s too fat and
lazy–and all in all, he is the most industrious grafter ever to walk
upon two legs, and that’s going some, because this town is full of
them, but you’d have to get up pretty damn early in the morning to
out-do the judge. He was a real magician. He takes a rake-off from Le
Mano Nera–and suddenly a murder charge with a bullet through the head
become accidental homicide and the Dago waltzes free. For five hundred
dollars he could turn murder to manslaughter and sometimes even would
set known lammisters free on bail.

“He lived a simple life, the Judge–didn’t bother none with preparing
for any of his cases. If you had money you were innocent and if you
had no money you were no doubt an old sinner and deserved whatever you
got in the way of mercy, which was none.  He was vindictive too, and
gloried in his power–sent the head of the Sheriff Street Cadets to
prison –just on his personal whim. Because he could. He didn’t like
the cut of the leader’s jib. And none of his cronies gave a damn.
Least of all that damned Devil, Cokey Stolas. What’ll I do, Doc–if he
don’t take my money?”

“Hush, Mary, hush,” said Doc Ketman. The sedatives he gave her were
finally having their effect, and she now lay on her parlor divan, fast
asleep.

1*SALUTATION
HARRY NILSSON
SO LONG, DAD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuqQrnXqsD0

2*REFERENCE
23 VINTAGE BAD GIRL MUGSHOTS
http://www.buzzfeed.com/katienotopoulos/23-vintage-bad-girl-mugshots

3*HUMOR
THE FIFTY STATES OF AMERICA IF THEY WERE ACTUALLY HIGH SCHOOL KIDS
http://www.tickld.com/x/the-50-states-of-america-if-they-were-actually-high-school-kids-california-is-p

4*NOVELTY
MAN SEES THE APOCALYPSE IN MIRACLE WHIP COMMERCIAL
http://www.bilerico.com/2014/06/man_sees_the_apocalypse_in_miracle_whip_commercial.php

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
8 STARS WHOSE BOX OFFICE DRAW IS NOSEDIVING
http://nypost.com/2014/06/14/8-stars-whose-box-office-draw-is-nosediving/

ALSO SEE:
NETWORK TELEVISION IS IMPLODING
http://www.vox.com/2014/6/13/5807488/network-television-is-imploding-in-one-chart

6* DAILY UTILITY
ACTIVE HATE GROUPS
http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/hate-map

7*CARTOON
HOW TO SURVIVE IN NYC
http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-survive-nyc-2014-4

8*PRESCRIPTION
40 MAPS THAT EXPLAIN FOOD IN AMERICA
http://www.vox.com/a/explain-food-america

9*RUMOR PATROL
PENTAGON PREPARING FOR MASS CIVIL BREAKDOWN
http://www.theguardian.com/environment/earth-insight/2014/jun/12/pentagon-mass-civil-breakdown

10* LAGNIAPPE
SPROTON LAYER
GIFT/SISTER REGIS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdkImejAF88&feature=youtu.be

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
MIRACLE WHIP
Quite obviously, Hellman’s is heavenly, despite its name, while
so-called Miracle Whip is one of the lesser demons of Hell’s
firmament.

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
747. SLAVERY
Many of the red states were also the same states who broke with the
Union over the issue of slavery.

THE INFORMATION #789 JUNE 20, 2014

THE INFORMATION
#789 JUNE 20, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.–Charles Dickens

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART FIFTEEN: THE MAYOR OF HELL

“What’s the use, ” Red Mary would start to blubber and rant, when deprived
of her chloral, “life is a racket, everything is a racket. I envy the
dead. I didn’t ask to be born. What do I do now? Even Poppa
was no good. I want my Daddy, he would make me laugh, go goo-goo and
ga-ga, he was wild about me–only he left and he never come back. Maw
says the Masons got him. Dirty dogs! With their secret handshakes and
their flaxen threads they use to fashion awful chains of steel. O!
Isn’t it a grand thing, to be a Mason with a secret handshake which
means you can commit murders and no earthly law can touch you–all of
the coppers who’re on the grab are Masons–only the devil in hell can get them,
and hell is where they are all going because they all committed great
sins against Holy Mother Church–old Lucifer will roast their blubbery
hides and singe their curly beards for them–the Pagans! I know it
because of spies sent out by the Pinkertons who reported back
to their Number One Chieftain with news of the afterlife.

“Up in heaven it’s all pie and ice cream and sodie pop runs in streams
beneath the candy cane bridge. In hell it’s all fire and ashes and
brick dust and rats being worried to death by fiery terriers. It’s
twenty-three flights of stairs to heaven but only seven steps down to
hell. Piety, Loyalty, Utility, Truthfulness and Order will get you to
the white city and Blasphemy, Treachery, Laziness, Lies, and Chaos
will bring you down to the place below. The Pinkertons know all about
it because the Pinkertons know about everything, including the kissing in
the corner, the whispering in the hall, and the tales of love behind the
stairs. And the Masonic plot to seize all the nation’s gold, which is
why you’ll never see a Jew ner a nigger with any money that ain’t got
at least one gold tooth in his rotten skull.

“I’m in a dark place now. I come from a time when there was honor and loyalty.
I had no money but I still got my stuff because down to the
Moon Drugs–they trusted me–I was a regular customer–and they knew they’d
allus get their money. Not no more. Cokey Stolas would cut your throat for a
dollar. He’s in with the Masons too. Probably knows the men who killed
my father.  Secret oaths, secret plans, secret combinations, secret
signs, secret handshakes, secret abominations! Give me my chloral. I
know you got it hid somewhere.”

I knowed Doc Ketman was sweet on her, and that it tore him up to deny
her the drug, but he would try to soothe her with some valerian root,
and, when she refused that, he would feed her a tea which was
compounded of Hops, Passion Flower, and Chamomile. This would
sometimes make her sleepy, but more often than not she had also
been drinking strong coffee, which had on her the particular effect
of racketing pulse and racing speech. “The world is full of associations, secret
associations.” And her thoughts would grow more and more scattered.
“You’re likely a member of the Pinkertons, sent to report on me to the
Big Cheese. Why won’t you give my chloral. You said you poured it down
the drain, but I know better. Someone tell the Mayor about how the
Black Hand is threatening me! Tell the Pope, tell General Booth, tell
Roosevelt! I’ll admit it, fellers, I been drinking when your back is
turned. I’m a bad girl, hic, I’m a bad girl. “

Ketman would tell her she was the best girl he knowed of, and I would
pipe in and second that motion, and it would soothe her for a time, but
soon she would go back to moaning and raving about the Masons and the
Pinkertons and the Black Hand.  And then she’d start in to shrieking.
“Why don’t they leave me alooone?! Why don’t they leave me aloone! I’m
not a bad girl! I’m not. Let them come near me–I’ll plant my diggers
in their dial face, I will. And that’s a very good sign that she’s
your tootsey-wootsey. I haven’t lived. Baby shoes. Little baby shoes.
What’ll you do with the baby-o.  Oh, get out of here. Pride and joy. She was only a
bird in a gilded cage. It won’t be a stylish marriage. Can’t afford a carriage. O, it’s you! Hasty words were spoken.  Please, I want to go. Over and over and over again. What more can I do? I won’t sell my house–I won’t! Not to Coach Crump or
none of them. Thinking of the happiness of just a few short years. Not
the face! O! Not the face! Far away beyond the glamour of the city and
its strife. We never mention Mary–no, we never mention Mary. Mary’s a
grand old name. It’s a shame it rained today. Oh, no, please don’t.
Say, you’re all right Joe.  Enough is enough is enough is enough. My mouth is dry. Draw me a beer. It’ll be my bier. Three little bears. Bears repeating. The tots
sang Ring-a-Rosie. Time to retire. The little boy with the curly hair
and the candle. When this world catches fire. Baby shoes. Little baby
shoes. They greased the floor with wax. Casey would waltz with a
strawberry blonde. It’s on the strict Q.T. In the merry merry month of
May.  The answer is no, never. Where am I? And where the hell is you?
Don’t! No! No!”

1*SALUTATION

2*REFERENCE
ALSO SEE:
3*HUMOR
4*NOVELTY
GILBERT GOTTFRIED, NEW YORK PUNK
http://lowbrowreader.com/gilbert-gottfried-new-york-punk/

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST

6* DAILY UTILITY
HOW TO WIN EVERY ARGUMENT
http://time.com/110643/how-to-win-every-argument/

7*CARTOON

8*PRESCRIPTION
9*RUMOR PATROL
10* LAGNIAPPE
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
TACO BELL
Taco Bell: Because when beef slurry gets together with emulsified soy products, it’s a beautiful thing.
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.

747. THE FAULT IN OUR STARS
Ayesha rated it 1 of 5 stars
Shelves: contemporary, undeserved-hype, annoying-characters, books-i-would-love-to-burn, disappointing-books, i-loathe-this, pretentious-books-and-characters, turned-my-neurons-to-jelly, not-my-cup-of-tea, are-you-fucking-kidding-me, hello-mary-sue, greatest-fictional-jerks-ever, scatterbrained-protagonists, wasted-my-precious-time, had-colossal-hopes, eye-rolls-and-cringe-worthy, donno-what-is-so-appealing, awfully-boring-plot, i-m-gonna-let-you-burn-burn-burn, needs-a-freaking-editor, stinking-cowshit

THE INFORMATION #788 JUNE 13, 2014

THE INFORMATION
#788 JUNE 13, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some
reason in madness.–Friedrich Nietzsche

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART FOURTEEN: THE MAYOR OF HELL

It’s been a fair spell since I spoke of Red Mary the Madame and how
she was bearing up under all this rigamarole between Ketman and Stolas
and Conklin and all the rest. It was nearly nine months since she had
nearly broken down and gone off her trolley and she was still in a
delicate state of mind. In those months I tried real hard not to give
her no reason to feel worried so I would pretend to be going to school
and I would intercept the mail from the schoolhouse saying I had not
been seen on their premises since roughly October the previous year
and now it was nearly June and of course there was no question that I
would not graduate with the rest of the class, but that didn’t trouble
me none since I learned more on the streets in a week than I learned
in that stuffy and cramped classroom in one year.

It’s not as though Red Mary still didn’t have her other troubles. The
roguish Beau Nash the skull-faced pimp still gave her the
whim-whams, though she wouldn’t admit it–perhaps he reminded her of
the wolf boy who the villagers out west said used to prowl around
deserted campsites and molest the cattle left to roam free on the
range for their forage. She would tell me tales of the wolf boy as she
tucked me into bed, and I wouldn’t know whether to believe her or not,
and I could tell even as a cub that there was still cause to question
her sanity–her brain was loaded until it all but exploded– although
her palaver was a bit less wild then it was some nine months previous
when she had been at her worst. The doctor prescribed chloral hydrate
and if I could have that old whiskered quack’s billy goat between my
forks I’d wring his neck from here to damnation for ever giving her
that poison.

The corrupt police Captain Tom Aston was still threatening to run her
in if she didn’t come up with protection money every month, so Little
Jane, one of the more trustworthy whores, set out to make a collection
among the soiled doves so the place wouldn’t be shut down. At any time
Little Jane could have taken that money and flown to another city with
a stake to make a new life for herself, but she was too decent to do
it, and that was one of the reasons I loved her for who she was. That
she had proportions like an American Venus didn’t hurt none, I swan.
Even so, some of the whores had to be persuaded that it was in their
best interests to kick in their share of the booty, and Little Jane
was not above using threats to get her way. Alderman Tyler was always
threatening to run all the brothels out of town, so a yearly
contribution to his “campaign” was also considered judicious, but by
this time Red Mary was too far gone to attend to such business so it
was left, once again, to Little Jane to collect the needed bribe money
from amongst the harlots.

“Far away in the hills,” Mary would say, “Many years ago, I wandered
in the streams and gullies, and my heart is still there. Why O why did
I leave the country and head out west and go to The Easy and then
come here to die?”

“Aw, Mary, you ain’t dyin'” I’d say.

“Show some respect, Yob,” snapped she. “Don’t use that fucking word ‘ain’t'”.

So I stayed mum.

“Maybe it still isn’t too late to go back to the sunshiny land. By the
way, Little Yob”–that was her pet name for when she wanted to flatter
me, “Have you seen the little purple bottle that was on the dresser
there?”

Still I stayed Mum. “Well, no matter. “

It was chloral she was after. And it was Doc Ketman was weaning her
off the chloral by administering lavender and slowly substituting her
large daily dose of the awful stuff with Valarian root. She was still
itchy and anxious and sweaty, and from time to time she would see
things which simply weren’t there, like the ghosts of little orphan
kids who had been left to sleep out in the rain by finding a nook or
cranny in a shed or a wagon yard or an abandoned ship in the
boatyards. She claimed that the little kiddies would cry and reach out
and wail for their mammies.”They will speak from the dust” she kept
saying, in a flat monotonous voice.

From time to time Red Mary would sing a peculiar song of her own
devising, a melancholic refrain with a lilting tune that sounded for
all the world like a church choir telling of the virtues of heaven
with underneath it the knowledge of tolling of Satan’s grim bell:

We wake in the morning,
With a tear in our eye,
In the morning, In the mourning sky.

When she started in to that kind of talking, that was my signal to
call in Doc Ketman. Usually we would find her in her rooms in a
dishevelled state, tearing the place apart, looking for her bottle of
chloral.

1*SALUTATION
SQUIRREL BAIT
SUN GOD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PImYNoVrsl0

2*REFERENCE
BLOOMBERG: UNIVERSITIES BECOMING BASTIONS OF INTOLERANCE
http://www.cnn.com/2014/05/29/us/bloomberg-harvard-speech/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

3*HUMOR
NYT CENSORED CARTOON
https://michael-kupperman.squarespace.com/kuppermanblahblahblah/2014/6/1/the-comic-not-fit-to-print

4*NOVELTY
WORLD’S BIGGEST RECORD COLLECTION SELLING DIRT CHEAP
http://www.tonedeaf.com.au/338457/worlds-biggest-record-collection-is-selling-dirt-cheap-but-nobody-wants-it.htm

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
HOW BOOK SELLERS CAN BEAT AMAZON
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/05/31/opinion/how-book-publishers-can-beat-amazon.html?referrer

6* DAILY UTILITY
12 BEST LOBSTER SHACKS IN NEW ENGLAND
http://www.yankeemagazine.com/article/features/best-lobster-shacks

7*CARTOON
ILLUSIONS
http://www.slate.com/blogs/bad_astronomy/2014/06/01/optical_illusions_the_best_illusions_of_the_year.html

8*PRESCRIPTION
INSIDE THE LOOMING FOOD CRISIS
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/05/140522-food-crisis-vulnerable-weather-climate-future/

9*RUMOR PATROL
THE FUTURE OF COMPUTERS
http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/technology/2014/06/os_x_yosemite_apple_is_turning_your_mac_into_an_iphone.html

10* LAGNIAPPE
HOW TO NOT GET A HANGOVER
http://www.harpersbazaar.com/beauty/health-wellness-articles/cures-for-hangovers

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
PUTIN
Putin: Don’t let the Czars get in your eyes.

11A
THE AMERICAN CREDO. MENCKEN & NATHAN. ****
THE ARAN ISLANDS. SYNGE. ****
BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED
BATMAN: DARK VICTORY. ***
BATWOMAN 3. WORLD’S FINEST. ***
BLACKHAWKS: THE GREAT LEAP FORWARD. ***1/2
DICKS. ENNIS. ***1/2
GOD SAVE THE KINKS. JOVANOVICH. ***1/2
GREEN ARROW 1. THE MIDAS TOUCH. ***
GREEN ARROW 4. THE KILL MACHINE. ***
THE GREEN WOMAN. STRAUB. **
IRREDEEMABLE. 3. WAID. ***1/2
IRREDEEMABLE. 5. WAID. ****
IRREDEEMABLE. 9. WAID. ****
IRREDEEMABLE. 10. WAID. ****
KNOCK EM DEAD JOB INTERVIEW. YATE. ****1/2
LISTVERSE.COM EPIC BOOK. FRATER. ****
THE LIFE & TIMES OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. LEVY. ****
THE LIVES OF THE KINGS AND QUEENS OF ENGLAND. FRASER, ED. ***
LOW LIFE. SANTE. ****1/2
MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING. FRANKL. ****1/2
MASTER OF THE SENATE. CARO. ****1/2
THE MOB AND THE CITY. HORTIS. ***1/2
SLAVES IN THE FAMILY. BALL. ****
STEIG LARSSON’S THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE. MINA. ****
THUNDERBOLTS 1. HOW TO LOSE. ***
THUNDERBOLTS: CAGE. ***
THE UNTOLD HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. STONE & KUZNICK. ***1/2
VILLAINS, SCOUNDRELS & ROGUES. MARTIN. ***1/2
WANT. KASMIN. ****
WOMAN REBEL. BAGGE. ***1/2
THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD. OLBERMANN. ****

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
747. AYN RAND
Ayn Rand didn’t die a normal death. Someone threw a bucket of water on
her, and she melted.