MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 188 JUNE 2014

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 188
JUNE 2014
Copyright 2014 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

And now…MODERN WISDOM presents:

1. LIQUID PRISONER
2. TENDER CHURL
3. BEAUTEOUS NIGGARD
4. RAGGED HAND
5. TIME’S PENCIL
6. TOTTERED LOVING
7. TIME’S THIEVISH PROGRESS
8. ROTTEN SMOKE
9. VULGAR PAPER
10. LOVING OFFENDERS

11. DYSLEXICON PART ONE
Nota bene: Selected definitions were first published in Oracle numbers
1, 2, 3 and 6 and are copyright 1992 and 1993 by the author. Others
are here published for the first time and all are copyrighted 2014.

DYSLEXICON: HIDDEN MEANINGS OF NEW AND COMMONPLACE AMERICAN WORDS AND
EXPRESSIONS
PART ONE

666: The three circles of the Mickey Mouse Head.

ACADEMIA: A grave, and a shallow one.
ACIDOPHOLIS: Bacteria placed in milk to render it inedible.
ACTS OF GOD: Are closer than they appear.
ACTS OF GOD: Not half so fearsome as acts of man.
ADAM: Let his wife tell him what to eat, and that was his undoing.
ADOLESCENTS: Cohort commonly divided into three groups: The snitches and prigs; and everyone else.
ADULTHOOD: The terrifying interval between innocence and satiety.
ADVERTISING: A machine for the betrayal of language.
ADVERTISING: A perverse tribute to artificially-generated popularity.
ADVERTISING: The bonfire of the inanities.
ADVERTISING: The sale of broken toys to sick children.
ADVERTISING: The Stalinization of material and/or spiritual commodities.
AIR-CONDITIONING: Device to preserve mildew.
ALCOHOLIC: Easy to shop for at Christmastime.
ALL IN THE FAMILY: Formerly popular TELEVISION show; “The
Honeymooners” for bigots.
ALOE: Plant with stinking sap thought to have magically therapeutic
qualities. See CHLOROPHYLL.
AMERICA: A country where playing dumb is the secular religion.
AMERICA: A myth perpetually in search of one even vaster myth.
AMERICA: Zoned for business, not beauty
AMERICAN PRESIDENTS: A boring succession of Protestant morons.
AMERICAN REVOLUTION: War fought so plantation owners could drink cheap tea.
AMERICANS: Want everything bigger and better except vocabulary words.
ANARCHO-SYNDICALISTS: People who are deeply offended that the liberal
state permits libertarians to spew their right-wing fascist propaganda.
ANCHOVIES: Sardines with a pedigree.
ANDREW JACKSON: Genocide-minded American President who resembled
Grandpa Munster.
ANGLICANS: Tweedy, inbred Brits with horsey teeth who think they are
smarter than Catholics, and, for that matter, God.
ANGLO-SAXONS: A bunch of bickering Low Germans who never learned to spell.
ANIMALS: Refers to people who are cultural NONCONFORMISTS.
ANIMATED CARTOON CHARACTERS: Household Gods; the surest guide to the
American Zeitgeist.
ANNIVERSARIES: Celebrations of a thoroughly beaten track.
ANTARCTICA: The one place in the world where there are no ants.
ANTI-OBAMAISM: Polity wants a cracker.
ANTI-OBAMAISM: The pornography of the Paleocons.
APRIL. Begins by reminding us of what we are on every other day of the year.
ARCADIA: A historical era which ended just prior to living memory or
shortly before ones birth.
ARCHEOLOGISTS: Squinty-eyed geezers with bad sunburn who spend most of
their spare time sifting through caveman shit.
ARENA ROCK CONCERTS: The American gulag.
ARKANSAS: Where people used to go to get lost.
ARMADILLO: A cross between a pig and a cockroach.
ARMCHAIR GENERALS: Are frequently to be found playing with their privates.
ART: A time capsule for the zeitgeist.
ART: sexual display. SEE DANCING, SINGING.
ARTSY: Dirty.
ASS: Jesus once rode on the back of an ass; now a great many asses
ride on the coattails of Jesus.
ASTRONOMER: Studies hot flaming balls of incandescent gas–not unlike
a Hollywood gossip columnist.
AUGUST. Nothing happens in August, which somehow makes it the best
time to take a memorable vacation.
AUSTRALIANS: Ex-cons whose beaches smell like sewage, who bugger
dingos, and who make the world’s worst beer (Archaic); people just
like Americans who talk funny.
AUSTRIA: Home of Hitler, and of Vienna sausages, though it’s hard to
say which one is worse.
AUTISM: A game that one can play.
AUTOMATION: Faster, stupider.
AUTOMOBILE: A two-ton pill to soothe your ego.
AVANT-GARDE, THE: Treats commonplace beliefs as lies.
AVERAGE: See STUPID.
BABY HUEY: A six foot tall retarded duck. See GOOFY.
BACH: Background music for pretentious undergraduates.
BACON:.Pork candy
BAD TOILET TRAINING: No one ever speaks of good toilet training.
BAD: OLD.
BALLET: Aerobics for people who like to wear tights.
BANANA: Mealy white crud best left for sprats and toothless dotards.
BANJO: A fiddle for dolts.
BARTENDERS: Apologists for stupefaction.
BEACH BOYS: POPULAR avatars of the late 20th century.
BEARDS: Metastasized moustaches.
BEATLES: POPULAR avatars of the late 20th century.
BEER: Popular panacea. See MALT.
BEING: Contaminates the void.
BELIEFS: Preconceived notions.
BENEFITS: Job-related BRIBES, supposedly perpetual but usually good
only for the term of the worker’s viability.
BILL COSBY. See BOB HOPE. Same superannuated refusal to retire; same
coasting on a long reputation; same uncanny willingness to shill for
the highest bidder; some impulse to subject his audience to cranky,
retrograde, conservative rants.
BILL OF RIGHTS: List of ten categories of guarantees promising certain
basic American liberties (Archaic).
BING: The Brand X version of Google.
BOB HOPE. See BILL COSBY. Same superannuated refusal to retire; same
coasting on a long reputation; same uncanny willingness to shill for
the highest bidder; some impulse to subject his audience to cranky,
retrograde, conservative rants.
BOHEMIAN: A hobo with a bachelor’s degree.
BOHEMIAN: Agricultural-age tenement dweller (Archaic); anyone who
professes to despise a GOOD JOB, BENEFITS, and FINANCIAL SECURITY. See
HIPPIE.
BONSAI TREES: Apparently invented so dwarves could live in treehouses.
BOOTH TARKINGTON: Mark Twain squeezed through a cheesecloth of Henry James.
BOSTON: A hamlet blown up to poster size.
BOSTON: Retropolis.
BOULEVARDIER: French for “filthy-minded old creep.”
BOULEVARDIER: Sex maniac.
BOXING: The most intellectual of all sports, in which two musclebound
oafs lathered with sweat pound the tar out of each other ‘til one
hollars ‘nuff.
BRAND X: The new Moloch.
BRIBES: See BENEFITS.
BUDGET DEFICITS: Half-asset backwards financing.
BUGLE: A Kazoo with delusions of grandeur.
BUM: See HOBO.
BUSH: A high-tar NIXON even more in thrall to DALLAS.
BUSINESS SUIT: A dress rehearsal for a fancy coffin.
BUSINESS: Sells, beneath its facade of boundless optimism, a
philosophy of boundless cynicism.
C&W: A SOAP OPERA for drunks.
CALCIUM: Mineral found only in antacid mints.
CALVIN & HOBBES: Comic strip; “Peanuts” for agnostics.
CANADIAN: An AMERICAN who is afraid to brag.
CANCER: Chief competitor of humans.
CANNIBALS: Show not only poor judgment but bad taste.
CANT: The received wisdom of the people.
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Putting the killers to sleep.
CAPITALISM: A system devoted to constantly reincentivizing profligacy.
CAPITALIST: Anyone militant about property values. See FASCIST, COMMUNIST.
CARNATION: Flower to adorn stuffed shirts.
CARNIVAL: A step below a circus and only slightly less torturous than
a crafts fair.
CARROTS: Improve your vision at night, just when you need it
most–when you’re asleep.
CARS: In our cars, at least, we are Kings. Albeit, Kings of Nowhere. When
you’re on a road to nowhere, it doesn’t really matter how fast you’re
going. SEE AUTOMOBILES.
CARTER: A rigid hayseed embarrassed by his brother.
CASH REGISTER: Device to monitor what percentage of profits employees steal.
CASH: The color that goes with everything.
CATARACTS. Something to keep an eye on. Just when you’re seen everything….
CATHEDRALS: Mausoleums of faith.
CATHOLICISM: The only thing more distressing than women who profess
Catholicism are men who practice it.
CAVEAT EMPTOR: Latin expression, which, loosely translated, means
“Your head is a giant sucker and you have the IQ of a ceiling fan.”
CELEBRITIES: Designer myths.
CELEBRITIES: People who want you out of their way.
CELEBRITIES: The minor pantheon, whose doings have replaced the
tales of Hermes, Ares, Demeter, et al.
CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Eunuch intrigues.
CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Made-up stories contrived essentially to keep
ordinary people in line. SEE UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA.
CELEBRITY:  A swineherd understood by the swine.
CELEBRITY: A show dog.
CELEBRITY: A smiley face on a drum of toxic waste.
CELL: Basic unit of life, and of life imprisonment.
CENSORSHIP: How the mediocre get their ideas across.
CEREBRAL PALSY: Mobster’s brainy friend.
CEREBRAL: Not entertaining.
CHAMPAGNE DRUNKS: Contra Eugene O’Neill, the best kind, with their
penchant for $100 tips and easily removable gold watches.
CHAOS: The norm.
CHILDREN’S BOOKS: What unsuccessful writers always vow they will turn
their hands to writing.
CHIVALRY: Feudal ethos post-industrialists mourn the passing of.
CHLOROPHYLL: Formerly an ingredient in toothpaste; now restored to its
rightful place as the basis of life on earth.
CHLOROPHYLL: Plant matter thought to have magically therapuetic
qualities (Archaic); See ALOE.
CHOLESTEROL: Sinister fat found mostly in foods only old people insist
on eating.
CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED LAXATIVES: An enema of the people.
CHRISTIANITY: Religion founded by tortured heretic whose adherents
were tortured as heretics, who, upon coming to power, tortured heretics.
CHRISTMAS BONUS: The ceremonial filling of a symbolic stocking by a
purported job-related father figure or boss during the Winter Solstice.
CHRISTMAS: Celebration of the birth of Christ (Archaic); a frantic
orgy of consumption in which humans hard-wired to hoard fats seek to
stave off the dark and cold of the Winter Solstice.
CHURCH: Theatre for cheapskates.
CIA: Central Intelligence Agency (Archaic); dissident national and
transnational group above the law assigned the task of infiltrating
dissident national and transnational groups above the law. See FBI,
NSC.
CICERO: Roman Stoic and prosodist (Archaic); Porky Pig’s nephew.
CIGARETTES: Tobacco in its cheap, smokable form. See CRACK.
CINDERELLA: Frankenstein in drag.
CITIZENS: See GOOD CITIZENS.
CLASSIC AMERICAN LITERATURE: Its novels are mostly about crafty
underdogs outwitting their foes or men who become rich at the cost of
their souls. Its poetry is mostly about gloom and death, or being smug
and fat, and other preoccupations of the author. Its drama is mostly
about lowlifes who meet an untimely death or gain unexpected eminence
through no fault or doing of their own, or about marriage, or about
overcoming adversity. The best American literature is on Bazooka Joe
gum wrappers, which is the last thing most Americans read anyway.
CLEOPATRA: Egyptian queen who every vain woman believes she’s the
reincarnation of.
CLINTON: SUGAR BEAR; the ARKANSAS Fellow-traveller; JOHN F. KENNEDY
with no money.
CLUB DRUGS: All the psychoses with none of the inconvenient violence.
COACHES. Priests with whistles and clipboards.
COCAINE: Popular semi-licit party drug (Archaic); psychosis lite. See CRACK.
COFFEE: A plot by coffee bushes to ensure their continued propagation. See TEA.
COINCIDENCE: A form of cosmic irony.
COINCIDENCE: See CONSPIRACY.
COLLEGE: Holding pens where adolescents get puking in public out of
their systems.
COLLEGES. Institutions of planned ignorance.
COLUMBUS: Famed explorer (Archaic); a lousy navigator and a genocidal fiend.
COMEDIANS: Clowns who tickle your sores.
COMEDY CLUB:.A gulag for self-styled hipsters.
COMEDY CLUBS: Dingy rooms where nervous funnymen walk back and forth
leaving cappucino farts in the vestibule, all so they can impress a
bunch of dolts hell-bent on pissing away Junior’s college money on
lukewarm Mexican bladder juice and Margueritas with sissy umbrellas.
COMMERCIAL MEDIA: A pimp machine for commodity fetishism.
COMMERCIAL MEDIA: Faster than the speed of reason.
COMMERCIALS: Late 20th-century literary form; short motion pictures
which promise a given product will give the customer the very thing
which it will take away; e.g.,  MCDONALDS, a “family” restaurant in
which the employees spit on the food; SATURN, a “caring” car company
which charges steep repair fees; FORD FOCUS, a car which advertises
exceptionally good mileage but only when driven by robots at a
constant speed of 55 mph with no braking or acceleration; SNUGGLES, a
fabric softener which promises to pamper your baby but which is made
of toxic chemicals; NEWPORT, a tobacco product allegedly “alive with
pleasure” which, when used as intended, will eventually cause you to
die in pain.
COMMERCIALS: The poetry of the Philistine.
COMMUNISM: The philosophy of the dog in the manger. CAPITALISM: The
philosophy of the boy and the nuts.
COMMUNIST: Anyone militant about property values. See CAPITALIST; FASCIST.
COMMUNITY COLLEGE: See DYSLEXIA.
COMPOST: Used by hippies to fertilize crops on the commune; served by
hippies who have opened health food restaurants.
COMPROMISE: Surrender.
COMPUTER GAMES: Training wheels for AUTISM. See VIDEO GAMES.
CONCENTRATION CAMP: A wonderful setting for ones memoirs.
CONFEDERATE VETERANS: People who all used to resemble Col. Harlan Sanders.
CONGRESS: A circus of hypocrites.
CONGRESSMAN: Politician who will do anything for $10,000.
CONSENSUS MENTALITY: Tyranny in its most modern form.
CONSERVATISM: Cult of unabashed selfishness.
CONSPIRACY THEORIES: Gossip on a larger scale.
CONSPIRACY THEORIES: Works of faction.
CONSPIRACY THEORIES. Sports for people who can’t get laid.
CONSPIRACY: See COINCIDENCE.
CONSUMER: An AMERICAN trained to be INSATIABLE.
CONSUMERISM: The religion of serfs, based on the idea that objects
have magical powers.
CONTROVERSIAL: Said of any man or woman who the speaker secretly
believes belongs in jail.
COOKING: The religion of the cosmopolitan provincial.
CORN: AMERICAN staple food as well as the default aesthetic mode.
CORN: The food and entertainment ingredient that dare not speak its name.
CORNY: Anything that happened more than 50 years ago
CORPORATIONS. Urban plantations. See MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS.
COST OF LIVING: If you have to ask how much it is, you can’t afford it.
COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS: Euphemism for ruthlessness. See LOGIC.
COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC: A soap opera for drunks.
COUNTRY CLUB: A gulag for self-styled elites.
COURTESY: consists of pretending not to notice that most people are
dying in plain sight.
COURTROOM PROCEDURALS. Narratives in praise of show trials.
COUSINS: IDIOTS who resemble you.
COWBOYS: DYSLEXIC BUMS of the OLD WEST.
CRACK: COCAINE in its cheap, smokable form, generally used by members
of the UNDERCLASS. See CIGARETTES.
CREATIONISM. See CRETINISM.
CREATIONISTS: Geniuses with self-granted advanced degrees whose
findings refute those of dopey archeologists, biologists, and physicists.
CREDIT LINE: Mysterious PROPERTY without which one can neither buy nor sell.
CRISIS: Any major undesired change.
CRETINISM. See CREATIONISM.
CRIMINALS: CORPORATE raiders of the UNDERCLASS.
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: Reverse DYSLEXIA.
CULT, A: a place where unreasonable people can all agree.
CULTURE: A petri dish of the mind.
CULTURE: BELIEFS shaped by the holders of power.

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THE INFORMATION #787 JUNE 6, 2014

THE INFORMATION
#787 JUNE 6, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

“There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.” –John Barrymore

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART THIRTEEEN: THE MAYOR OF HELL

It is here that Count “No-Count” O’Day re-enters my story. Ye knew
him, Yob, as the kind who fancied himself a kind of an Irish
storyteller, but really he was a low drunk. Bad whiskey and other
vices had so scrambled his brains that most of what he had to say was
as indeciperable as the Rosetta Stone to a Chinaman. (Not to cast no
aspersions on our yellow brethren. They loves they children just the
same as anybody else.)

Anyway, you’d hear him retail wholesale nonsense as though it was the
Lord’s honest truth. One day, however, a Dago Prince–masquerading
as a wine merchant–stood the whole gang to an extra round or
three–drinksa on me–and Count O’Day got even more sozzled than was his wont.
Well, Sir, I saw my chances and I took ’em. Started in to ask the old lush
about his dealings with Cokey Stolas. And he told me an earful, in
between his bosh and tosh. Here is what he had to say about The Big
Man:

“Ain’t that an awful feeling? Ain’t that scandalous? You got me in my
cups, and ye be pumpin’ me all about the Big Man. Well, I ain’t built
that way. You’re in the right church but the wrong pew. Not a word of
it you’ll be hearin’ from me. I’m scairt of that Loocher. I didn’t
ask, he didn’t say, so I don’t know.  If he comes in then I am going
out. By the bye–did ye know about his magic tattoos? Humph.
Pictures of an eagle and a snake and a skull, and like
that. Gabriel climbing up the golden stairs. And when he
wants something, all he has to do is rub up that tattoo and he gets
it. Like, if he wanted to be President of the whole United States,
I’ll bet he could. He’s smart enough. Only jus’ a bit of a scoundrel.
Loves money just a little too much.  Stand a fella ‘nother drink?
Thank ‘ee. Any old port in a storm. All I get here is much obliged.
Do ye want to know the story about how Cokey made all his money? Sh!
Sh! It’s ve-r-y con-fi-den-tial.” At which point he put his fingers
under his braces and looked well-chuffed.

“Have you got time to listen to a hard luck tale? No? That’s good,
’cause I ain’t a-gonna tell ye one. But if time was money I’d be a
millionaire. Yass, I knowed Cokey Stolas a long time. He’s a devil in
his own home town. I knowed him a way back to when he was called
‘Dollar’ Stolas. That was his nickname as a weenchy tad–
two little eyes of blue– because that was the first word out’n
his gob when he crawled out of the cradle, rose forth, and
walked. Seems as though a local copper was visiting his Nanny and a
sparkin’; with the young hussy and Stolas, the little Babbu, the Baby Prince,
toddled over to the Flattie and burbled ‘Dollar’–and held out his
hand! Sounds too good to be true, but that was his nickname. I was
there but I had no business to be there.

“Stolas was never all in, or down and out, as he would have you think.
His folks came from money–sh! sh! Con-fi-den-tial! Humph! It suited
him well because all he ever cared about was ner man ner beast–though
he has a soft spot for race hosses–nothing, other than the Almighty Dollar. I
guess the name also suits him because to this very day if you get into
a palaver with him–not that I would ever dare to–my place is in the
barroom, not amongst the swell gentry and high much-a-mucks–all
you’ll hear floating from that man’s fat lips is the world dollar
dollar dollar. Nowadays he has a line to pharmacies in a small
way–sells oil of pennyroyal to the soiled doves, and you’re too young
to know what that signifies.  Listen Yob–I’m no lamb–Chicken can’t
roost too high for me. Come after breakfast, bring your lunch, and leave before
dinnertime–that’s MY advice to you when dealing with the likes of
Cokey Stolas. His motto: Pay me, pay me, pay me my money down.

“Stolas comes from a whole family of Rotters. Hail to thee, departed
spirits! His father, Dinky Stolas,  was a ward-heeler of long standing
and it is said he would steal the dowels from out’n a wooden filing cabinet.
He was born to get out and get under. He made his fortune when young–he
was a Copper on the beat–called his daystick his “bee” and his
nightstick his “hornet”–would work a 24 hour shift as though it were
nothing–on account of the asthma powders–learned well how to
steal–Pumph–had a key for every lock in town and would rent it to
burglars on his beat for a cut of the swag, and the money just
came pourin’ in.  His wife was a bad ‘un–any little girl can make a good
man bad and a bad man good and vice versa–they called her Knitting
Needle Mag, and you’re too young to know what that signifies.

“His grandfather,  Butcher Stolas–he was a brutal man–who’d a
thinked it?–with a name like ‘Butcher’ ye didn’t want to get in a
knife fight with the likes of him–‘less you was totin’ a gun–
made his big money supplyin’ rotten eggs to the ’49ers–
that’s the way to spell chicken– sure and it warn’t the
same grub they was gettin’ down home on th’ farm–and
also all kinds of other fripperies, too–like coffee and tea and hemp–all
at a huge markup. He later had a big contract to sell meat to the U.S.
Army–the hosses was scared, and some say, any stray dogs or cats.
Some say his so-called beef kilt more soldiers than Injuns or Rebels
ever did.  Later on he made his money out west, fightin’ Injuns,
killin’ papooses by swingin’ em by their heels–nits make lice, says
he–and later on he turned around and commenced to sellin’  firewater
and defective rifles to the same savages. Their snakeskins are as
green as any white man’s, says he.  He learned how to be a root doctor
from the Injuns, they say. They also say that’s how Cokey Stolas
learned all he knowed about poisons and such. Skin of an alligator and
the tears of a crocodile. All in all, home sweet home sounds mighty
good to ME.

“Now, his great-grandfather, ‘Colonel’ Stolas–he took the
prize–Southern gentleman–would steal the cracklins from his own
Mammy’s fat gourd, or so they’d say–he was a big slave seller and an
even bigger slave stealer–never owned a plantation–too busy for any
of that–too busy tearing children apart from their Mammies and womenfolk
from their husbands–sometimes, it seemed, for the sheer joy of
causing a misery. It’s enough to make a preacher lay his Bible down.
There’s a warm place in hell for that sinner. Pumph. Serpents rising
out of the ground! Just goes to show you–cows may come and cows may
go but the bull goes on forever. He was the real thing–the king of
them all.

“If rumor serves, the Stolas clan going way back was into all sorts of
devilment. It’s hard to keep a good man down, but it’s even harder to
put a bad man in his place. Tory spies, Injun killers, kidnappers,
slavers, priviteers, roost inspector men–the green grass is all
around and round–if there was some wickedness afoot, sure and they
had a hand in it. Ye would think that ten generations of scoundrels
and scamps was enough, but the Stolas clan enjoyed the blessings of be
fruitful and multiply–and did they ever. I’ll be back in a minute,
but I’ve got to go now. I may be crazy but I’m no fool.  If Stolas
knowed I told you all about his kin, my life wouldn’t be worth a
wooden nutmeg. But no matter. I’m on my last go round. I’ve said my
last farewell. I’m going to live anyhow until I die. And then–and
then I’ll jazz my way through paradise.”

Thus spake Count O’Day!

1*SALUTATION
SWEETWATER
JOIN THE BAND
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=S_AXCtqWpNk

2*REFERENCE
WHICH STATES GOOGLE WHICH TERMS THE MOST?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/25/oregon-allah-religion-google-trends_n_5379017.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

3*HUMOR
MISLEADING MAPS OF THE UNITED STATES
http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2014/04/viral_maps_the_problem_with_all_those_fun_maps_of_the_u_s_plus_some_fun.html

4*NOVELTY
WHY DO YOU LOVE THE DEVIL?
https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/t1.0-9/p180x540/10151300_641935405861447_1317857607145185423_n.png

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
BIGGEST IMMIGRANT GROUPS IN YOUR STATE
http://slate.me/1gIhlJF

6* DAILY UTILITY
HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS CAT?
https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/p180x540/10011218_10152403079241742_3624765563638559919_n.jpg

7*CARTOON
NOT RECOMMENDED MUSIC
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=643774612368144&set=a.276551762423766.69152.276070075805268&type=1&relevant_count=1

8*PRESCRIPTION
YANKEE MAGAZINE: BEST OF PROVIDENCE RI
http://www.yankeemagazine.com/best-of-new-england/ri-spotlight-providence

9*RUMOR PATROL
SINGERS WITH THE LARGEST VOCAL RANGE
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/20/top-artists-vocal-range_n_5357698.html

10* LAGNIAPPE
THE PIPKINS
YAKETY YAK
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NO4dOJtsM4

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
REALITY TELEVISION
Supplants the former occupation of throwing cow shit at the village idiot.

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
745.LEFT AND RIGHT
When a leftist has a questionable past, it is assumed to be indicative
of present-day deviance. When a right-winger has a questionable past,
these are merely the foibles of a “wild youth”.

THE INFORMATION #786 MAY 30, 2014

THE INFORMATION
#786 MAY 30, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.–Jane Austen

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART TWELVE: THE MAYOR OF HELL

“Not to name too many names, then, old Son, but there at the shore
hall, at the mystic meeting on Lammas night, where Stolas called
together his spotty crew, immaculately dressed in a black suit that
might have been suitable for a parson, was one Whitney Dean Agares,
and his young son
Elsworth. Did good old Whitney had his fingers in every pie? Yes! He was
up to his fists in bloody deeds! Not for him the minor vices; no; he
had slum tenements in the heart of Noxtown where he would squeeze dry
the tenants and, rather than squander the money, would use it instead
to put up holdings in the near neighborhoods. He bought land next to
the mental asylum in Arcadia to the far north and used it to build
shoddy houses where he housed the families of indigents who had been
cast out of there without a cent, Out in the middle of nowhere, in
Wazooville, he bought a whole chain of deserted shops down by the
trolley stop on the corner and converted them into bars, pool rooms,
and news stands which he used as his headquarters to run numbers in
what used to be a quiet neighborhood. You can imagine how the town
fathers felt about that; but they were helpless.

He ran Wazooville as a wide open town and he drove out the old
Klutter family, who had had a little variety store there, and last I
heard, they had moved away to the far west just to get away from
there. You don’t mess with the Agares b’hoys. What he done in the
north west, in Sleepy Hollow, was even worse–he bought an old
printing press there and turns out all sorts of poisonous handbills
and broadsheets, too, for over-the-counter nostrums. Some say he done a little
counterfeiting as well. In King’s Plaza, in the south west,  he built
a cinema, where they show all sorts of disreputable motion pictures,
and over to Eden Prairie he bought a bunch of swamp lands for pennies
an acre and God knows what he has planned for those. You know that
whenever there is a horse race or a boxing match, good old Whitney has
a hand in it, somehow. He’s crazy clever–deals only with the high
muck-a-mucks at the Soho club–sometimes for thousands–is always
saying he is got a sure thing and sure enough, he can double your
money within a year, using ever wrong trick in the book, but mostly, I
think, through loan-sharking.”

“Speaking of slumlords, there was this Italian-looking fellow name of
Nehemiah Vassago–a big greasy guts with a spit-shine hairdo parted
clean in the middle–who bought him a bunch of worthless slag heaps in
the near north side and built a charity hospital, and a public school, and
a community college on the garbage dumps and he sold them to the city for
a pretty penny. They say that folks who are forced to live there
because they can’t afford better don’t tend to live too long, and I
can believe them. Have you ever BEEN to Westridge,
down by the Salt River? It looks like all the sad old
skippers and garbage scow cap’ns have washed ashore
there and left their hulks to rot in the perpetual filth. He also
built a walled housing development high on a hill where he plans to
build a rich man’s resort. No one ever got fat pitchin’ fast balls
past Vassago–from the looks of it. Sanctus Itorius res, call the rest.
Here the mother of God came to his assistance, reaching
out her snow-white hand, against the hot and cold brand.”

“The Irish was represented by ‘Gashouse’ Bathin who was also there
down to the docks at the big Lammas meeting–a ward-heeler of the old
school, along with his own little son, Zeke, also known as ‘Bathless’ Bathin
because of his extreme hatred of the water. Old Gashouse didn’t mince
words–said he was in the game of politics to win the lot, and, as
the long-time big-wig of Gleason’s Corners, with over 60 bars for
1,200 people, of which he ownded about half, he had himself a right
little satrapy. No need for a church, says he, though he did relent
and allow the Roman Catholics to build a chapel right on the outskirts
of his neighborhood.”

“The Jews had their own vice lord, Hillel Labolas, a mild-looking old
gent who had a wife named Lottie who gave birth to a giant baby, also
known as Lottie. He had a pickle-nosed old face full of wrinkles that
only a mother could love, and though totally blameless and devout to
surface appearances. he was head of a mysterious entity called ‘The
Outfit’ as controlled the numbers game in every candy store for miles
around, and still does. He has a perfect memory and can do figures in his
head, or so they say. Other folks say he might be a witch or wizard,
but that would imply that the old devil at one time even had him a soul to
sell.”

“The five of them–Stolas, Agares, Vassago, Bathin and Labolas–along
with all the other Vice Lords of Noxtown, including a crew of about a
dozen of Stolas’ men–I guess they all had this big meeting at the Shore
Hall in order to carve up their respective territories. It was just my
luck to be there as a bartender, though when I saw who was at this
meeting, I kept as low a profile as I could, as well I might. All this
was long before my fall-out with Stolas, but I didn’t want to be known
too well to any of those particular police characters–because in
their case, the less you know about ’em the healthier you be.”

Before telling me what he learned at the meeting of The Five, Ketman
first delivered forth what he deemed “a protective charm”:

“O Elf, O Fairy, O Pixie, O Nixie, O Demon, find the stone which a
vulture has in his knees and be not an enemy to me. Burn a large frog
to ashes and forgive and forget your wrath. Heliotrope, I collect you in
the sign of the lion and wrap you in a laurel leaf together
with the tooth of a wolf; lay not your curses upon me! Otherwise, may
the power of the cross repel you, airy filth, earthly oaf, fiery foe,
watery woe. Master not this dust but lick the dirt. And may the
Adversary Spirit appear unto you in the form of one of His angels; you
who would fain to be earthly messiah of the demon-kind be herein
foiled. I conjure thee by the living God, that thou shalt flee this
blood and this flesh, like as God the Lord will shun that judge who
judges unjustly, although he might have judged aright!  For I am a
poor servant of my Savior. I know that my redeemer liveth. Redeemer I
call upon Thee: Disconnect, Misdirect,  Mislay, Mislead, Displace,
Dispel all evil lurkers; all fluky flirters; all dusky darters. With
this switch and Christ’s dear blood, I banish your pain and do you
good!”

“Amen!” said Peter Ketman, in a resounding bass rumble which made all the
slurry-voiced barroom loafers turn around and stare. The suds-puller
Tipsy Smith was seen to throw down his filthy rag mop and leave the
bar, though it wasn’t until later that we learned that he had gone straight to Feist’s Cigar Store, to pour word of his doings directly into the ear of Stolas,
his own self.


1*SALUTATION
DARLENE LOVE
A LONG WAY TO BE HAPPY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpjkbOg2v2k

2*REFERENCE
LANGUAGE DIVERSITY
http://aapivoices.com/slate-youre-doing-it-wrong/

3*HUMOR
Pomeranian Protests His Haircut By Walking on Hind Legs for Two Days
“Thank goodness the dog owner had these little briefs to cover his
dog’s vulgar hog. Can’t have that monster flapping around as the dog
angrily stamps
about the house.”
http://gawker.com/pomeranian-protests-his-haircut-by-walking-on-hind-legs-1576299520

4*NOVELTY
THE NORMAL MAJORITY
FROM ADAM’S RIB CAME WOMEN’S LIB
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gAeNIvUUMZQ

ALSO SEE:
IN THE KITCHEN
http://youtu.be/NtH_d-uTKI4

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
WALMART IS FALLING APART BEFORE OUR EYES
http://www.fool.com/investing/general/2014/05/17/walmart-is-falling-apart-before-our-eyes.aspx

6* DAILY UTILITY
STEVEN WRIGHT
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/01/arts/steven-wrights-offbeat-humor-has-nurtured-other-comics.html?_r=1

7*CARTOON
GOODMAN GOES PLAYBOY
http://www.tomrichmond.com/blog/2010/02/26/starchie-returns/

ALSO SEE:
JUGHEAD’S HAT
http://learning2share.blogspot.com/2009/04/search-term-jugheads-hat.html

8*PRESCRIPTION
LEAST POPULAR AMERICAN BABY NAMES
http://mentalfloss.com/article/53301/least-popular-american-baby-names-according-early-records


9*RUMOR PATROL
CLASSIC AUTHORS WHO SUCK, ACCORDING TO OTHER CLASSIC AUTHORS
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/19/author-insults_n_5326074.html

ALSO SEE:
H.G. WELLS ON HENRY JAMES

“The only living human motives left in the novels of Henry James are a
certain avidity, and an entirely superficial curiosity. Even when
relations are irregular or when sins are hinted at, you feel that
these are merely attitudes taken up, gambits before the game of
attainment and over-perception begins…. His people nose out
suspicions, hint by hint, link by link. Have you ever known living
human beings do that? The thing his novel is about is always there. It
is like a church lit but without a congregation to distract you, with
every light and line  focused on the high altar. And on the altar,
very reverently placed, intensely there, is a dead kitten, an
egg-shell, a bit of string…. Like his ‘Altar of the Dead,’ with
nothing to the dead at all…. For if there was they couldn’t all be
candles and the effect would vanish…. And the elaborate, copious
emptiness of the whole Henry James exploit is only redeemed and made
endurable by the elaborate, copious wit. Upon the desert his selection
has made Henry James erects palatial metaphors…. The chief fun, the
only exercise, in reading Henry James is this clambering over vast
metaphors….

“Having first made sure that he has scarcely anything left to express,
he then sets to work to express it, with an industry, a wealth of
intellectual stuff that dwarfs Newton. He spares no resource in the
telling of his dead inventions. He brings up every device of language
to state and define. Bare verbs he rarely tolerates. He splits his
infinitives and fills them up with adverbial stuffing. He presses the
passing colloquialism  into his service. His vast paragraphs sweat and
struggle; they could not sweat and elbow and struggle more if God
Himself was the processional meaning to which they sought to come. And
all for tales of nothingness…. It is leviathan retrieving pebbles. It
is a magnificent but painful hippopotamus resolved at any cost, even
at the cost of its dignity, upon picking up a pea which has got into a
corner of its den. Most things, it insists, are beyond it, but it can,
at any rate, modestly, and with an artistic singleness of mind, pick
up that pea….”

10* LAGNIAPPE
THE MODERN LOVERS
THE MODERN LOVERS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujwAUbRa4cs

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
40 ALBUMS THAT BABY BOOMERS LOVED THAT MILLENNIALS DON’T KNOW
Aka “40 obscure has-beens RS wants to promote.” Phil Ochs, Laura Nyro,
Butterfield Blues Band, Richard and Linda Thompson, Graham Parker, and
Little Feat all are underrated and deserve to be more widely known.
About six of the others are more than passable. The rest can be found
in the bargain bins of Goodwill Stores across the length and breadth
of this great land.We are begging the question here, but I can name
about a dozen more albums which boomers loved but which have fallen
into obscurity. Steppenwolf’s “Monster” leads the pack, followed by
albums by The Hollies, The Byrds, The Zombies, The Turtles, “There’s
No Hole in My Soul” by Barry Goldberg, and “Maggot Brain” by
Funkadelic. And, if we really want to delve into obscurities, what
about the Seeds, the Leaves, the 13th Floor Elevators, the Gants, the
Merry-Go-Round, and any number of albums which sold better in their
day than currently charting collections but which are now rarities?
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/lists/40-albums-baby-boomers-loved-that-millennials-dont-know-20140514

ALSO SEE:
THE TEN BEST TEXAS PSYCHEDELIC ROCK ALBUMS
http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/dc9/2014/02/psych_rock_texas_best.php?page=all

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
744. WE ARE ALL SUSPECTS
We Are All Suspects: A Guide for People Navigating the Expanded Powers
of Surveillance in the 21st Century
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://radicalreference.info/content/we-are-all-suspects-guide-people-navigating-expanded-powers-surveillance-21st-century

THE INFORMATION #785 MAY 23, 2014

THE INFORMATION
#785 MAY 23, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. ― Oscar Wilde

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART ELEVEN: THE MAYOR OF HELL

“Let me tell you more about the invisible world, Yob,” said Doc
Ketman to the young Cadger Tandy (who was but yet a broth of a boy,
although he told the tale some fifty years later). “All the talk about
ghosts and fairies and the unseen and the unheard-of, it all comes
from somewhere, and I don’t think it’s being imagined because I’ve
seen it with my own two eyes, I have. You’re mean to me, you are, if
ye dismiss what I have to say as the ravings of an old charlatan.
May the devil choke me old gob if what I say be not so. For
wasn’t I there at the grand conclave, and all but hidden behind the
curtain, when the seventy-odd demons who run this town did gather?
Wasn’t I there to hear the sound of all the great beasts speaking
backwards and turning the air blue with their vile curses and
profanations? It was right here at the docks, at the old shore hall–
you know the place I mean–the low rafters hung full
with old bait and tackle and the hall crammed full of
picnic tables and flimsy wooden chairs where the fat asses all lounged
over their food and drink, and a sorry and demonic lot they were. You
could head their barking and their grunting haw haw and their
high-spirited helloas as they echoed from the high roof of the
whitewashed shanty.”

“You ever have a set of chores to do, the thought of which kept you
from sleeping at night and leaves you with a pitfall in the depths of
your guts? Sure and maybe leaves you all twisted up in your bed sheets, longing
for a deep rest that never comes, until the bright light of day and
the bustle of the people next door jostle you from your repose? (I go
before another court–I tie up my 77-fold fits.) Maybe not, for you’re
about yae too young. Let me tell you this–the sight of that bunch of
rogues who were all assembled to carve up the town between them left
me with a pounding pain to the head and a feeling of seasickness on
dry land. I tried to remember as many details as I could, but after it
happened it all seemed very much like a bad dream, and I had to
question to myself whether any of it really happened at all.”

“The docks are a savage and demoniac place, and for a number of
reasons, chief amongst which are the following facts: That waterways
are expressways for evil between light and dark, good and evil, living
and dead. That bad things happen near bodies of water, which are
conducive to evil. Spiritual bodies, both good and bad, will gravitate
to water, but in a place of great wickedness, such as Noxtown, the bad
drives out the good. Evil practices and iniquitous deeds such as are never
mentioned by name in the Bible, but the docks are where all the bad people go
to indulge themselves in defying The Word of the Lord by indulging in
card-parties, picnics, fairs, shows and theaters and other forms of
revelry and rioting. Demons do not love God, ner Heaven, for they love not His
angels, and they have forever forfeited Heaven. All the associated
worldly pleasures such as whisky, morphine, wild women, and secret
vices all prove that these demons do not love God and would rather
roister and revel in their earthy vices. Demons love not God; for they
are Demons, some of whom abide on the earth as half human beings like
The Big Man, Cokey Stolas.”

“I am right and I will be proven right, come the Day of Judgment. As
the Good Book says, ‘Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and
pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul.'”
That’s One Peter 2:11. Yea, you can’t come over Pontio; Pontio is above Pilato.

“You’ve heard of a Familiar, Yob? I told you before that Stolas is a
demon and you should have seen him there at the shore hall on the
night of Lammas, August first. It was in the closing days of the
Spanish American War with the canned bully beef and the Yellow Fever
killing more men than Spanish bullets ever did. Some say it was all the doing
of the Cuban Yoruba Witch Doctors. I don’t even like to name their
names, lest evil betide me for even so much as presuming to mention
them, let alone summon them. They are demons who have fallen from
heaven but have not yet landed in hell, and they walk the earth.”

1*SALUTATION
THE SKILLET LICKERS
COTTON-EYED JOE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFG9eVbkq70

ALSO SEE:
KORN KOBBLERS
LISTEN TO THE MOCKING BIRD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNGrtxo8zXM

2*REFERENCE
THE WORST MEN’S MAGAZINE ADS FROM THE 50S AND 60S
http://delawarereason.com/?p=4194

3*HUMOR
TOP 50 WTF MOMENTS IN COMICS
http://www.ugo.com/the-goods/wtf-moments-in-comics

4*NOVELTY
THE FIFTY WEIRDEST ALBUMS EVER
http://www.mojo4music.com/14320/50-weirdest-albums/

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
THE THIRD BARDO
I”M FIVE YEARS AHEAD OF MY TIME
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSSM-qgkw8I

6* DAILY UTILITY
ACID VISIONS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFbJWCD3XDo

7*CARTOON
100 BEST ANIMATED MOVIES
http://www.timeout.com/newyork/film/the-100-best-animated-movies-how-many-have-you-seen

8*PRESCRIPTION
“FOREIGN GIBBERISH”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/06/languages-sound-foriegners-smoukahontas_n_4912793.html

9*RUMOR PATROL
THE DARK PSYCHOLOGY OF BEING A GOOD COMEDIAN
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/02/the-dark-psychology-of-being-a-good-comedian/284104/

ALSO SEE:
20 JOKES THAT ONLY INTELLECTUALS WILL UNDERSTAND
http://www.tickld.com/x/20-jokes-that-only-intellectuals-will-understand

10* LAGNIAPPE
WUN’ERFUL, WUN’ERFUL!
STAN FREBERG COMEDY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0TSDcPW2Kk

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
DODGE RAM
Dodge…Ram…? Which one is it? Make up your mind!

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
744. SATURN
Devours his own children. Great name for a car!

THE INFORMATION #784 MAY 16, 2014

THE INFORMATION
#784 MAY 16, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

15TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to
be done.– Marie Curie

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER NINE: PART TEN: THE MAYOR OF HELL

Doc Ketman made a hasty retreat from the Seven Stars Saloon when he learned
that Smash Conklin went over to Feist’s Cigar Store and was asking
questions like “Who’s the ginger-haired scamp who’s been cursing the Big
Man?” Doc wasn’t quite ready to tangle with Conklin, what with his
menacing scowl and his brutal slab-like fists, though, as he pushed his
way through the barroom loafers and loochers, he kept up a steady
stream of mutterings–what he called his imprecations against old
Uglyface.

“You’ve heard of a Familiar, Yob?” said Ketman to the young Cadger
Tandy.  “Well, Stolas is a Demon and doesn’t like to dirty his hands
with mortal concerns. (Ye thieves, I conjure you, to be obedient like
Jesus Christ.) But Conklin is just the boy to do his dirty work.
(Jesus Jesu Jesu who obeyed his Heavenly Father unto the cross.)”

“To refuse a wizard his any request is sure to lead to your
misfortune. I told you that Stolas was a master of poisons. One dose
of ether and he can hypnotise a soiled dove and even reduce a big man
like Conklin to the status of a squeaky-voiced little girl, or putrid
little punk. (Ye thieves are to stand without moving out of my sight.)
Now, I’d kill any wolf that tried to make a Jocker of me, but Conklin
is too damn stupid to realize he’s being mesmerized by that Demon. (In
the name of the Trinity. I command you by the power of God and the
incarnation of Jesus Christ, not to move out of my sight.)”

We left the Seven Stars Saloon and went rapidly striding through the angular
shadows of dusky Noxtown.

“Me and Stolas just naturally oppose each other–he works from the
black book and I work from the white one. Small wonder, too that
Conklin has it in for you. You’re an air spirit, as free as a bird,
and Conklin is an earth spirit, and bound to do the dirty work of
Stolas his fiery lord and master of the invisible world that forever
changes. (And the same words that bind you shall also release you.)”

“Once upon a time I guess that Conklin was happy. Working on a failing
farm. Strong as an ox, half as smart, and smelled about as good. Could lend a
dab hand to farm chores. Milking, shoeing horses, cleaning a barn,
mowing hay. (Like Jesus Christ did stand when he was about to be nailed
to the cross to release the fathers of the church from the bonds of
hell.) He was one hell of a big eater. Not too much on thinking. But
these city lights did blind him early on. One night in the wagon yard
with a half a pint was enough for him. Next time he came to Market he
cut his step-dad loose and went to see the bright lights for hisself.”

“At the Seven Stars they mocked the lug; called him “Farmboy”; made
sport of him;  fed him strong drink laced with kerosene and ether and
red pepper and chloral; laughed at his wild antics. Then he fell under
Cokey Stolas’s gimlet eye. Stolas treated him with respect. Kept him
in drink; trained him up as a boxer; used him as a headbreaker;
introduced him to the b’hoys at the fire department; let it be known
that Conklin was under his exclusive protection; made him one of his
Lords of the Night.”

“As a Boxer, Conklin could always be depended on to either win a match
or throw it. You won’t find him in any of the name books; you can look
his name up, but you won’t find it, because he didn’t fight in no
sanctioned bouts. Most of the time he would battle some beat-up Hobo
for the price of a drink, down t’ the railroad yards. The railroad
bulls in particular would howl and cheer as Smash put paid to one
unhappy tramp after another. Smashin’ Boes is thirsty work, said
Smash; he’d allus say that when he wanted a drink and that’s how he
got the name of Smash. The Boes in them parts had other, less
flattering names for the Yellof. They called him  Mr. Bad Jive;  The
Home Guard; and Sir Dog Leg–the last because he was like a dog on a
bone once he got to smackin’ a Hobo around; he wouldn’t let up until
he got all tired out and was gasping for breath, and by then the Bo,
tough as he was, was usually out cold. (You horseman and footman, whom
I here conjured at this time.)”

“Pretty soon Conklin was being used for gorilla work of all varieties.
Let there be a saloon keeper as didn’t make a regular kickback to
Stolas and his minions and Conklin would be sent in with a heavy load
on to make strongarm threats.  (I conjure you, horse and rider, to
stand still and not to move out of my sight.)”

“Gorilla work is thirsty business. Wasn’t too long before Conklin grew
dependent as a dog on Stolas, who kept him in liquor. You ought to see
the brawler reduced to tears by a cross look form the Big Man. Got so
he could hardly turn around without being afeered he might offend the
big man in some unknown fashion. (Like Jesus Christ was standing on
Jordan’s stormy banks to be baptized by John.)”

“Needless to say, under the protection of the Big Man, Smash Conklin
had his grimy paws into all sorts of pies; he would terrorize the
whores and especially their Johns who wouldn’t come across. Say the
John is a cheapskate and says to the girlie, ‘Piss on you–So sue me.
What do I look like? Santa Claus? My fucking is worth as much as
yours–you liked it, didn’t you? Such a business. Give a little girlie a good
time and right away she wants gelt. Piss on you!’ All of a sudden the
girlie ring-a-dings a little bell and Conklin appears. The John
changes his tune right away, sure ‘nough. ‘Ahh, here, my good man. A
twenty for the little lady and a crisp ten dollar bill for you.’ Of course,
it was many a soiled dove that Conklin diddled with himself without
payin’, but no man is a hypocrite in his pleasures–or is he? (You may
pass on in the name of Jesus Christ.)”

“That sort of gorilla work was mostly all that Conklin was good for.
The Big Man didn’t tend to use him for any job that required finesse,
but Conklin could be counted on to break the fingers of safecrakers
and yekkmen operating outside their own terrritory; to act as a bouncer
or a kind of heavy-walking arm-twister or shoulder-hitter. His lot was
cast with crooked gamblers, thievin’ whores, queer cops, denizens of
the underworld, short boys, and other devotees–of the sporting life–and of wide-open Noxtown. (Ye thieves, I bind you with the same bonds with which Jesus our Lord has bound hell; and thus ye shall be bound.)”

“Ye can see, Yob, why I ain’t any too anxious to tangle assholes with
THAT wildcat.”

By then we had reached the docks down by the waterfront.
Ketman in the middle of the boardwalk paused to light his pipe, then,
when the acrid stench of his herbal mixture began to fill the air,
he rounded out his oration with the following benediction.

“There is a world which we call the natural world and you see it when
you wake up in the morning and you go outside and the sun is out and
you’re sitting and looking out over the grass and flowers and the
trees are weaving and waving all about and you hear the gentle hissing of
the vagrant wind. (Through the word of God and the will of Christ;
ride ye on now and pass.)”

“But then there be another world–the invisible world–things happen there
–things which are invisible to your apprehension–but which
happen all the same. Like watching a dragonfly flit past
you at a high speed, you never knowing he’s got four sets of
wings that are all beating in a different direction all at once. Sure
there are two worlds, and maybe three or four, by my reckoning. The
great mass of men will never see, from one day to the next, any sign
of that invisible world which comes from out of nowhere into the the
everywhere. But suppose you could see the world the way a dragonfly
can see it. Or sense the world the way a snail can sense it. Or home in upon a hive in the manner of a bee. There would be a  sign of true wizardry. I’m not
saying that Stolas has these powers. But I’m not sayin he hasn’t.  As
for me–I can only imagine. I see the blood on the moon and the
changes in the sun and I can sense the rotation of the planets, but
I’m merely a poor actor in most of it. My spells are for protection
and not to cause mischief. Even my chief curses are mostly only
bulwarks against a likely attack. (And furthermore, I conjure you
again, horse and rider, to stand still and not to move out of my
sight. Amen!)”

And Doc Ketman hastily crossed himself and bade me good night and told
me at all costs to avoid running into Smash Conklin (who, from time
immemorial, of course, had bore me no love). “My charms will protect you,
as far as that goes, from having to encounter him; but if you actively
seek him and he finds you out, I cannot help you. A word to the wise.”

A word which I later ignored–and wished I hadn’t.

1*SALUTATION
BILL DEAL & THE RHONDELS
MAY I
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=fSUrF_MCHTE

ALSO SEE:
XTC
MAYOR OF SIMPLETON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Da9sc6YDBo

2*REFERENCE
WIKIPEDIA: WHERE THE TRUTH DIES ONLINE
http://www.spiked-online.com/newsite/article/wikipedia-where-truth-dies-online/14963#.U2fx61d7TSa

3*HUMOR
BEWARE THE CROSSEYED CYCLOPS
http://cosseyedcyclops.blogspot.com/

4*NOVELTY
BUBBLE VOCABULARY
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_good_word/2014/04/bubble_vocabulary_the_best_way_to_expand_your_vocabulary_is_to_use_the_words.html

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
CONGRATULATIONS WILL BOOST YOUR POST IN FACEBOOK
http://www.slate.com/blogs/business_insider/2014/04/congratulations_will_boost_your_post_in_facebook_s_newsfeed.html

6* DAILY UTILITY
THE RACIAL DOT MAP
http://demographics.coopercenter.org/DotMap/index.html

ALSO SEE:
STEREOTYPE MAP OF EVERY U.S. STATE
http://www.buzzfeed.com/tomphillips/the-stereotype-map-of-every-us-state-according-to-british-pe

7*CARTOON
some stuff milt gross excels at
http://johnkstuff.blogspot.com/2008/08/some-things-milt-gross-excels-at.html

8*PRESCRIPTION
HOW STRESS STARTS UP THE MACHINERY OF MAJOR DEPRESSION
http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304734304579517953987157822

9*RUMOR PATROL
FIVE SIMPLE STEPS TO AVOID PUBLISHING FAKE STORIES
http://slate.me/R3W1SA

10* LAGNIAPPE
SOUND OF TREE RINGS PLAYING ON A RECORD PLAYER
http://aattp.org/the-sound-of-tree-rings-playing-on-a-record-player-will-make-your-heart-explode-video/

ALSO SEE:
THE VOICE OF THE TREES
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYLaPVi_I2U

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
I SAW THE MUSICAL LEGEND
I saw the musical legend. Well, me, and about 60,000 other people.
Still, that makes me special–in fact, it makes me something of a
legend myself. Consider yourself privileged to have read this anecdote
from me, the man who saw…the musical legend!

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE.
742. CODE-SWITCHING
Lower class workplaces are like high school (tribal, waspish,
gossipy), middle class workplaces are like college (clannish,
exclusionary, frivolous), and professional workplaces are like grad
school (clubby, over-intellectualizing, and serious to the point of
solemnity). Any discerning individual must code-switch according to which group
they are interacting with.