MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 187 MAY 2014

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 187
MAY 2014
Copyright 2014 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com
http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

1. THE EVIL OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING
2. NEW CLICHES
3. LOGIC BOMBS
4. LOOK AT MY SCREAMING FACE
5. DR. GOOD AND MR. BAD
6. RADIO STATION WWJD
7.INTELLECTUAL DUMBBELL
8. THIS IS NOT ART
9.GOOFY SINGS THE BEEGEES
10. THE FOUR AD FIGURES OF THE APOCALYPSE
11. AN ENGINE OF DENUNCIATION
12. XENOPHOBES GO HOME
13. ALL ART IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT
14. CELEBRITIES ARE DESIGNER MYTHS
15. COMPOSITE MASTER OF INFINITE SPACE AND TIME
16. A CRASS ACT
17. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUGS
18. SECRET IDENTITY POLITICS
19. YO, STEP UP AND GET BEAT DOWN
20. CAPE DOES NOT ENABLE USER TO FLY

21. MODERN WISDOM:  THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE
You know, prison–or, as we hardened convicts call it, “Stir”– is a
lot like a Graduate School for High School dropouts. Doing time, a man
has a lot of time on his hands to formulate his very own philosophical
system.

And also to wonder what kind of turn his life would have taken if the
Jack Daniels had been watered just a wee bit more, and the bazooka
wasn’t loaded.

I have recently been released from prison–er, I mean “Stir” and I have
had a lot of time to put together my own system of thought.

So this is what I believe:

If you can’t be with the one you love, brother, love the one you’re
with. Good advice. Especially if you happen to be in prison.

I think cab drivers should be FBI men, so they’ll know where you live
before you even tell them.

If I don’t know you, you can’t be that important. If you don’t know
me, you must be supremely oblivious.

If God is in the details then who put Him there?

I love my fellow man–with gravy.

Why do garbage men make so much noise? Because if they knew how to be
quiet, they wouldn’t be garbage men.

My pet peeve? People who use the word ‘peeve.’

I often make thoughtless remarks which I later regret–because most
people are assholes. Um, present company excepted.

What becomes a legend most? More money.

A lot of people lose their virginity at just about the same time as
they begin to prostitute themselves.

If I see things nobody else can see it’s probably because I’m
hallucinating…again.

I don’t drink anymore. It’s slow suicide, and I’m in a hurry.

I don’t want kids to follow in my footsteps. So, for all you teens out
there, here is my heartfelt message: Ignore mainstream values–follow
the advice of your ignorant peers.

Kids–stay in school. Because we don’t ant you around here.

Sometimes even my friends say I’m boring, usually the minute I run out of money.

I don’t care if the world caves in. I live in a cave.

I think static cling is probably God trying to tell us something.

I don’t like a man until I’ve figured him out, and then I hate him for
being so transparent.

Do you know who I’d like to have dinner with? Einstein. You say he’s
dead? Good. More food for me!

It takes a big man to take advice. It takes several big men to shut me up.

Half my life is my work and the other half is trying to atone for it.
You believe me–don’t you? Or do you want some trouble?

When punk rockers retire, I guess they’ll get anti-social security.

I was sad because I had no toilet paper. Then I met a man who was a
complete asshole.

They say a dog bite is worse than human bite. I say most people don’t
lick their own assholes.

I went to my dentist. He’s also my psychiatrist. He told me that my
cavities are all in my head.

Move Over Butter. Fine. But nobody ever talks about “Fuck You,
Margarine” or “Die, Lard, Die.”

My dad was a liberal. So just to piss him off I brought a white girl home.

If Jesus is so popular, why does he have to ask us for money every Sunday?

Jesus turned the water into wine. Nowadays, that’s called enabling behavior.

What if the crucifixion were just a dice game that went terribly,
terribly wrong?

Nothing’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Except maybe one
monkey…in a barrel…giving you that special little smile.

Good home cooking just melts in your mouth. Then again, so does the
mercury from a thermometer.

I don’t like to use the word ‘shit.’ I prefer to call it something
nice, like ‘Brown monuments to a healthy appetite.’

Never talk down to children. Only adults are mature enough to be
condescended to.

A schizophrenic always demands your divided attention.

Why buy a cow if milk is cheap? For that matter, why buy anything if
you’re sturdy enough to beg?

Everybody repeat after me…..”Destroy all conformists.”

When I have a baby, I think, when they hand me my newborn infant,
wrapped in swaddling clothes, I’ll say, “Oh–don’t bother wrapping it,
Nurse–I’ll eat it here.”

One good thing about skinheads–they never leave hair in the drain.

All those who prefer not to answer rhetorical questions, would you
raise your hands?

You can’t have everything. The storage fees alone would wipe you out.

Every little breeze seems to whisper ‘Louise.’ I beg
you…please…make it stop. MAKE IT STOP!!

I do not have any messianic delusions. At least, that’s what God told
me. But I do remember my most embarrassing moment. I was
being crucified, and the Roman Centurion offered me a sponge soaked in wine,
and I had to admit I was a recovering alcoholic.

Everybody else always ruins it for a few assholes.

Oops, there’s the phone–I’ll bet it’s my probation officer–probably
calling to ask me yet another rhetorical question about some rubber
checks I’ve been bouncing all over town. Goodbye, Gentle Reader. I’ll
see you in another eight years or so.

22. ADVERTISEMENT: THE AWARD-WINNING “SO YOU LOST YOUR…”
SERIES OF BOOKS FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES

Brunhilda Blankenship has been delighting kids of all
ages since the appearance of her first book, “So You
Lost Your Sheep,” way back in 1952.

Her tragic death last week just short of her 83rd
birthday has saddened her fans, who can at least take
consolation in the fact that for the first time they
will be able to purchase all of her charming
books which are loved by millions.

How? Because the So You Lost Your Publishing Firm, in
celebration of its fiftieth anniversary, is proud to
present for the first time a complete collected
edition of these charming and educational books
intended for kids from one to one-hundred-and-one, as
well as especially bright dogs, cats, and ferrets.

“So You Lost Your Rattle” (1954)

“So You Lost Your Pacifier” (1955)

“So You Lost Your Baby Teeth” (1959)

“So You Lost Your Temper,”(1961)

“So You Lost Your Patience” (1962)

“So You Lost Your Childish Belief in Santa Claus,” (1964)

“So You Lost Your Illusions of Parental Omnipotence” (1965)

“So You Lost Your Illusions of Parental Competence” (1967)

“So You Lost Your Illusions of Parental Fiscal Solvency”(1973)

“So You Lost Your Illusions That the Authorities Have Your Best
Interests at Heart”(1974)

“So You Lost Your Illusions That Anyone Cares”(1978)

“So You Lost Your Illusions That Life Has Any Meaning or Purpose”(1983)

“So You Lost Your Belief in a Supreme Being Who Is All-Wise and
Beneficent” (1991)

“So You Lost Every Red Cent You Ever Sweated Blood to Earn Because of
Foolhardy Investment Decisions Made While Drunk on Sherry” (2001)

“So You Lost Your Home and Are Living In an Unheated Trailer and Your
Ingrate Son Refuses to Lend You Any More Money Or Even Talk To You”
(2008)

And the posthumously published “So You Lost Your Reason to Go On Living” (2009)

All of her books have delighted readers for five decades–AND WILL GO
ON DELIGHTING THEM FOR GENERATIONS TO COME!

23-47. INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHTS FOR TODAY
1. It was only when I started stealing weapons to commit further
crimes that my phenomenal run of good luck really began.

2. You cannot change your life by changing your life. Zero plus zero
will never equal one.

3. Nurture your mind with thoughts think by great men, for your own
are so mundane as to induce colic in fat babies.

4. A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle and remember, the
same goes for a Molotov cocktail.

5. Have no fear for what tomorrow may bring. Even though a tough gang
of street punks have promised to give you a major league thrashing,
maybe there will be a sale on bandages.

6. Honesty is the best policy–when the camera’s running.

7. In wine there is truth, and in whiskey there’s some extra strength
truth mixed in with a whole lot of hidden resentments which have been
boiling under the surface for about ten years and which only start to
come out between drink number six and number seven, and there’s also a
lot of shouting and usually stuff gets broken, and the police are
called, and I’m forced to hide underneath the house, and there’s
crawly centipedes under there, which is why I tend to stick to seltzer
water.

8. The truth shall set you free but if I were you I wouldn’t go about
sharing that particular bit of wisdom with the boys in Cell Block A.

9. Not every man is born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Especially
if he already has a forked tongue.

10. The meek shall inherit the earth and after that we’ll get to see
just how far these rubes can go with the meek routine.

11. Beggars can’t be choosers, but certain people and I name no names
can stand in line at the supermarket checkout counter haggling with
the clerk over raggedy assed 20 cent off coupons which expired weeks
ago, counting out every lint encrusted penny from the bottom of their
mildewed change purse and answer me this if they’re so penny
conscious, then why haven’t they already added up the total in their
heads and gotten the exact change ready in advance… unless they’re
really desperate even for negative attention?

12. Everything’s coming up roses, which is too bad, because actually I
was fixing to grow me some poppies, hemp and mushrooms.

13. Business before pleasure, especially if you’re a prostitute.

14. Happiness is realizing there’s always someone less fortunate than
you, or, better yet, that there’s someone more fortunate than you but
not any more because you just slipped on his driveway and your lawyer
is F. Lee Bailey.

15. Life is just a bowl of cherries but remember that President
Zachary Taylor died of indigestion after eating too many cherries.

16. There is strength in numbness.

17. The family that prays together stays together. I guess that’s true
even if what they’re praying for is a quick and easy death.

18. Blood is thicker than water, but I’d prefer tomato juice, if you don’t mind.

19. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, only
who can afford to keep a horse these days?

20. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face: it didn’t work for
Michael Jackson.

21. No labor, however humble, dishonors a man. Except maybe telemarketing.

22. Remember: always look on the bright side, unless you’re driving
late at night and it’s the oncoming headlights of an out of control 18
wheeler.

23. If an alien came to earth and said take me to your leader I think
that on the way I would suggest we stop at the International House of
Pancakes, just to give him a taste of the sheer diversity of this
kooky planet.

24. Hysteria repeats itself.

25. I wanted to be known as an optimist–a haven of supreme reason in
a confused, frustrating and seemingly futile world. But then I
realized that it was hopeless.

48. BAND NAMES
Thee Quick-Acting Hypnotics
Asking For Trouble
Milk Of Amnesia
Origin Unk
Gonna Do It For Johnny
Cowards Of 911
Acid Is Groovy Kill The Pigs
They Eat Their Young
Radioactive Snowmen
Terraplane Soup
Laugh It Up Furball
To The Batcave
Famous Movie Drunks
Booger Buddies
Thank You For Not Killing Us
Shitfire Island
The Filthy Monkeys
Hiroshima Pwned
Brain Feast
The Murder Of Abraham Lincoln
Old People In Hell
Gorilla Crime Boss
The Incomprehensibles
The Scum Bozoes
Sleep In The Grave
Russia’s Greatest Sex Machine
S.E. Hinton’s First Novel For Adults
Not So Fast Faggot
We Belong Dead
Pushkin Shot In Duel
His Bread In My Shoulder
My Wife’s Handwriting
The Bear Wiped His Ass With The Rabbit
I Can See Your House From Here
Old Fashioned Hate
Circuit Of A Dogma
Jabbering Dynamo
Sleepy Rigamarole
Odd Enough To Be Your Father
Teenage Centurions For The Coming Armageddon
This Turbulent Priests
The Hammer Comes Down
Honey, I Smoked The Drugs
The Washington Consensus
Cosmic Ruthlessness.
The Drizzlin’ Shits
A Queer In Boys Town
Eagle On The Sunday Dollar
The Clusterfucks
Tricycle Bastard
Stalin The Clown
Xenophobic Lesbians
Born-Again-Christian Circus
Scientific Aborigines
Muslim Photographers
A Puritan Christmas
The Beatnik Jet Pilots
Vertigo Zombies
Stompbox Wankers
The Containment Boys
Please Advise
Tear Factory
Mascot Parables
Please Be Kind
The Minor 6145 Choir
Alpha Radiation
The Clean Getaways
Mrs. Babymother
The Mosquito Apologists
A Pagan Suckled In A Creed Outworn
Industrial Solvents
Eunuchss Of Empire
The Rat Parade
Big Cats
Sonic Interval
Manly Pansies
Squirrel Brains
Tweeter
Blowjob Alibis
Rackety Critters
Humiliated Jockeyboys
Sticky Trim
Alcoholic Penitentiary Inmates
Pharmacy Robbers
Cruelty To Bears
Derelict Rejects
Corleone’s Thunderbolt
Shitfire And Brimstone
Fuck Bias
Amphitheater Bums
Me Love You Long Time
Crackhead Junkies
Dance With The Go-Go Gophers
Supernatural Hitler
No Reasonable Offer Refused
Curses Fried Again
Smash Ugly
Confederate Rap
Inspector Pig
Pricked
Sphincter Monkeys
Swinger Square
Dancing Hen On A Hotplate
Thee Psychonauts
University Of Blonde Delinquents
Whiskey Rebellion
Hash And Lentils
Club Godhead
Pork Messengers
Industry Godfathers
Vagina Puppets
Soggy Tramp Gumbo
Drunk Protestants
We Refuse
Orange Twang
Atlas Mugged
Amoeba Chow
Mossy Wax
Sea Urchin Jerky
Dylan Girls
Vacation Amid The Rubble
Papa Bunk
Lifestyle Porn
Project Madness
The Fat Little Nothings
The Plastic Bottlecaps
Ghost Soup
The Lemon Detectors
The Red Hot Pistols
Tranqs For The Memories
Bennies From Heaven
Ramadan-A-Dingdong
An Ashanti In Old Ashanti Town
The Bad Actors
The Fat Biker Chicks
The Car Toads
Bungtown
The Cake Eaters
Doctor Medicine
First Of May
The Spit-Backs
The Highbinders
Ready John
Oil Of Joy
The Prairie Comedians
The Drunkery
The Turnscrews
The Wet Quakers
Wild Train
The Bird That Goes Beep Beep
Fight For Might And Right
Too Young To Know The Danger
Long Ears And Tail To Match
The Akasic Record Company
70 Bone-Breaking Secrets
Young Liberace
Jealous Daddy
Walk It Off, Jesus
The Ice Cream Soldiers
The Voice Of God
11 Benevolent Elephants
Thee Mystifying Oracles
Wood Beez
A Fool’s Journey
The Daily Beatings
Nixon’s Revenge
Sweated Labor
Secret Justice
Moneyland
Mint Suckers
Anger Points
Recursive Loop
Puritan Jealousy
Six Months Away From The Bin
Beatles UK
Duce Come Back
72 Virgins
Jesus Loves Porn Stars
Bitter Apple
The Most Disappointing
My Funny Hitler
Booger Ranchers
Jumbo’s Colostomy Bag
The Jolly Munchers
The Piss Poor Boys
Daddy’s Smelly Pipe
Kibbles ‘N’ Bits
The Power Of Eminent Domain
The Way Back Machine
The Coffee Virus
The Goddess Years
Robot Ham
Lake Nowhere
Incarnation Evaporated Milk
God 2
Secret Soundtrack
Nonstop Circus Of Angst
House Of Meth
The Season Of Anarchy
Secret Mark
Explosive Battle Of Giants
Meat River
Shitware
The Fatal Romantics
Filthy Midget Mart
Pavlov’s Coffee
Wife In A Can
Blind Man’s Television
100,000 Words Or Less
Tin Ear
The Four Moptops Of The Apocalypse
Oswald And The Patsies
The Givenchy Code
The Peanut Shit Wranglers
Batman Could Beat Superman
Voices Echoing In My Head
Jughead King Of Queen Archie’s World
The Popcorn Trick
Pas A Douche
Not Your Grandfather’s Fascism
Puritan Jewelry
Eight Minutes From The Sun
Four Roses Logic
Give Back Those Blankets
Genocide In Slow Motion
Who Said Dat Word Fuck?
The Bullshit Detectors
Dogs Bred To Be Eaten Like Chickens
Slob Killers
Brosephus
Guy Who Throws A Glass Bottle In A Crowd And Sneaks Into The Corner
Uglier Than Thou
Animal Pals
Atomic Opera
Designated Punching Bags
32 Animal Pals
The Throwstars
The All You Can Eat Challenge
Ahoy There Sailor
Americans Live Forever
The Angry Gourmets
Bacon Is Death
Bitter Drink
Boy’s Nation
Dawg Treet
Girl Reaction
Izzard
Jeckyll Park
Kali
Kill Crazy Dillinger
Mental Radio
Mickey Death
Negative Brow
Pirate Radio
Silk Purse
Tempermental Artistes
Tin Soldiers
Tired Eyes
Two-Backed Beasts
The Wet Parade
Wonderland
Zandor And His Herculoids
Unacceptable American Conditions
Teflon Junkies
Electroshock Veterans
Toxic Schlock
Deadly Mentors
Antheap Gods
Peyote Place
The Picknickers
Thousand Mile Stare
Hate Paper Dolls
The Tyros
Will Work For Gas
Everything Is Love
Silly Hitler And The Degenerate Art Ensemble
The Hollywood Finocchios
Reality Tunnel
Global Obsession And The Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
Googled My Ex
Gunner And Sarge, With Pooch
Relax, Love, Messiah Is Coming
My God I’m Tough
Scary Norms
Let Love Be Obeyed
Murderous Bouncers
The Crazy Cat Ladies
Shiloh The Beagle And His Boy Master
12 Foot Long Hot Dog
Craziest Cereal You Ever Met
Big Money Big Money
Paul Is Dead at 64
Touche, Douche
White Slaves In America
Commander Robot
Terror Masters
Team B
Kill All The Devils We Can
Build High
Pure Fiction
Mature Living Choices
Delicate Weeds
U-977
The Darned Sure
G.I. Dope
High-Decibel Circus
Bad Success
Lady Boner Immediately Goes To Zero
Family Uplift
Pissing Match
Burnt Paris
Bummer Command
Six Guns Blazing
Day Without Sunshine
Spineless Wonders
1969 OK
Tarantula Beware
Hot Girls With Manly Faces
Coke Nail
Police And The Crooked Landlords
Spare A Dollar For An Old Altar Boy
Canned Creamed Koran
Tiger Hand Beats Rock
Booger Bear
Dog Bullies
Favorite Prostitute Your Wife
John Wayne Gacy And His Famous Rope Trick

49. ANTI-SEMITE HALL OF SHAME

1. Hitler. Fun-hating testicle-depleted Austrian had an irrational
hatred of the Chosen Ones. To say the least.
2. Stalin. Another meanie, though he also took on Kulaks and cosmopolitans.
3. Genghis Khan. Didn’t have it in for Jews, per se. Just a nasty guy
in general.
4. Count Dracul aka Vlad the Impaler. Pretty much hated everybody.
5. Henry Ford. Helped publicize the spurious “Protocols of the Elders
of Zion.” Hitler was a big fan.
6. Caligula. Attempted to defile the Temple but was put off by
Petronius. ‘Nuff Said!
7. Johann Gottlieb Fichte. Father of nationalism. Another Hitler favorite.
8. Edison. “I wish,” he wrote, “they would all quit making money.”
9. Wagner
10.Dostoyevski

Dishonorable mention:
1) H. L. Mencken (‘The Jews could be put down very plausibly as the
most unpleasant race ever heard of’)
2) George Bernard Shaw (‘Stop being Jews and start being human beings’)
3) Henry Adams (‘The whole rotten carcass is rotten with Jew worms’)
4) H.G. Wells (‘A careful study of anti-Semitism, prejudice and
accusations might be of great value to many Jews, who do not
adequately realize the irritation they inflict’)
5) Edgar Degas (characterized as a ‘wild anti-Semite’)
6) Denis Diderot (‘Brutish people, vile and vulgar men’)
7) Theodore Dreiser (New York is a ‘kike’s dream of a ghetto,’ and
Jews are not ‘pure Americans’ and ‘lack integrity’)
8) T. S. Eliot (a social as well as literary anti-Semite, even after
the Holocaust)
9) Immanuel Kant (‘The Jews still cannot claim any true genius, any
truly great man. All their talents and skills revolve around
stratagems and low cunning … They are a nation of swindlers.’)
10) Cicero
11) Tacitus
12) Pierre Renoir

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