MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 185 MARCH 2014

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 185

MARCH 2014
Copyright 2014 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com

http://www.dimenno.wordpress.com

 

AND NOW…MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:

1. ALL ROADS LEAD TO FOLLY

2. NOBODY WANTS A GENIUS

3. TIME WON’T LET ME MAN

4. OCCULT AVENUE

5. BEST PUBLISHING

6. MISFORTUNE

7. THE CENSORIOUS DOG

8. BRATLINES
9. COGNATES
10. CAST OF CHARACTERS
11. THE ROBOT WITH THE SCREAMING FACE
12. SMART ASS
13. ANDROID BROTHERHOOD
14. GARRISON WORLD
15. BIZARRO GATSBY
16. FEEDING THE BEAST
17. THE CRAZY CHANNEL
18. BUSY WITH THEM GOOFBALLS 
19. SWINGING POTTERSTOWN
20. THE BOOK OF UTTER BULLSHIT

21. INVERTED CLICHES, OR “EVERYBODY ELSE ALWAYS RUINS IT FOR A FEW ASSHOLES”

Since our fine Hollywood solons and wise men have rung all the possible changes on every conceivable genre, it’s high time that they started making movies which are not only deliberately stupid, but ones which deliberately make no sense. And what better way to do that than to take half-forgotten cliches, reverse them, and in the process put a post-modern spin into the dialogue? The critics will hate it but the audience will be baffled. Then we can all go back to watching TV, reading tabloids and eating bon-bons.

 

NAVAL 

“Give me but three ships, your highness– and we’ll be blown out of the water!”

 

FRENCH REVOLUTION 

“The peasants are storming the palace gates! It looks like your goose is cooked, Kingie ol’ buddy!

 

PIRATES 

“Bring me the head of Captain Morgan–and then I’ll probably kill YOU too!”

 

SHOW BIZ 

“Baby, you’re going out there as an understudy–but when the show is over, you’ll be…fired!”

 

WAR 

“If we stay here we’re going to be trapped like rats!” [Slap]…HEY, what did you have to go and do THAT for?

 

ESPIONAGE 

“Tell these plans to no one–except maybe your wives and sweethearts.”

 

BOXING 

“Baby, this is my last fight, I promise–because Kid Crusher is gonna beat me to a pulp!”

 

 MYSTERY 

“Now that you’re here, Charles, I’m more afraid than ever!”

 

POLITICS 

“Not a word of this must leak out to the newspapers–but it’s OK to tell the National Enquirer because nobody believes them anyway!”

 

MONSTER 

“Lock the door behind me, Susan, and don’t open it for anybody–except maybe the pizza delivery boy.”

 

SLASHER 

“They all laughed at me–even you! I don’t LIKE to be laughed at! But, come to think of it, I am kind of a ridiculous little man.”

 

COP 

“Play ball with me and you’ll be back to poundin’ a beat in no time!”

 

DETECTIVE 

“Look, Trench, it’s a simple case of suicide–and we’ve already warned you off the case–but if you think it’s murder then the police would like to hear your theory!”

 

MOBSTER 

“The boys tell me you’re been shootin’ off your mouth all over town. But then again, everybody knows the boys are a bunch of lyin’ bums.”

 

PRISON 

“The parole board turned me down again, but I’m not going with you on the prison break–because it would be wrong.” 

 

WESTERN 

“One man travelin’ light COULD make it back to the fort–but why bother when we’re all doomed anyway?”

 

TERRORIST 

“Back–all of you! Take one more step and the girl might die. Then again, maybe not.”

 

CONSPIRACY 

“Oh hell–all the files are on Windows–and all I know how to use is a Mac!”

 

HORROR 

“Do what you want to the girl, Scarwell–just let me get the hell out of here!” 

 

 

MORE INVERTED CLICHES, OR “ALL BUSINESS IS JUST LIKE SHOW BUSINESS”

 

Perhaps the single most wonderful thing about advertising is that it is the secular religion of our day. It offers up its own iconic patron saints, symbolic of product attributes. These ad figures define things by what they are not–by advertising them as having those very same attributes. For instance, a deeply humane clown and a chortling, miniaturized, animatronic dough golem stand as symbols of enormous multinational corporations which are laws unto themselves and dedicated to starving farmers and poisoning consumers with lard. (And those are their good qualities!) Hollywood works fist-in-glove with ad agencies, the processed food industry, and other kingmakers, and since it has exhausted long ago every still-viable cliche, perhaps in the near future we can look forward to being sold inverted cliches, such as are to be found in the following dialogues:

 

ARMY 

“Surrender? Sure!”

 

RUSSIAN REVOLUTION 

“I have determined to give the kulaks their own state.”

 

BUSINESS MOGUL 

“I am going to subsidize the purchase of modern machinery for the farmers–why should THEY assume all the risk?”

 

MUSIC BIZ 

“Sorry–if you can’t sing or play an instrument, we can’t use you.”

 

DIPLOMACY 

“Under most circumstances we cannot afford to back down and lose face…but seeing as how the fate of the world hangs in the balance–we STILL won’t do it!”

 

SCI-FI 

“The aliens are indistinguishable from human beings–period. So why fight them?”

 

WRESTLING 

“Baby, this is my last fight, I promise–because I just found out that this game is rigged!”

 

ROMANCE (FEMALE) 

“I’ve been a fool–such an utter fool! I THOUGHT I could live without you–but I stayed with you for twenty years anyway!” 

 

ROMANCE (MALE) 

“What have I ever done to deserve a wife like you? Must be payback for that bank job I pulled in Cincy back in ‘98!”

 

MYSTERY 

“So you’re saying the dead man stabbed himself twenty times, then shot himself in the head and still had time to write a suicide note with his own blood?? Hmm…sounds plausible to me.” 

   

MUSICAL 

“Hear that, darling? It’s “Zyklon B Zombie”–that’s OUR song!”

 

BASIC TRAINING 

“Here are the volunteers, sir–Trump, Rockefeller, Clinton, Gates and Hoffman!”

 

DOGS 

“Maw, the boy thinks the world of that mutt–better kill it.”

 

SWORDPLAY 

“Retrieve your sword, Snobwell. You haven’t got a chance anyway, because I’m a-gonna blow your head off!”

 

SERIAL KILLER 

“They all laughed at me–even you! So now I’m going to switch from murder to stand-up comedy!”

 

WESTERN 

“Why wait for the law to string up these hoss thieves? We got plenty of spare hosses, so let’s give a few of them away and let the owlhoots go!”

 

MONSTER 

“Man was not meant to tamper with forces beyond his control–except, or course, under the aegis of the government or a multinational corporation!”

 

MOBSTER 

“I’ve been taking elocution lessons, Boss–and I’m planning to go to graduate school!”

 

PRISON 

“Prison break? Count me out–I’m working on my book.”

 

COWBOYS AND INJUNS 

“Hurry back to the fort…and tell them we’re giving back the land we stole from the Native Americans and other indigenous aboriginal tribesmen!”

22. IN THE PAST AND IN THE FUTURE

SSSYON TWO
Two fryends sit side by side in orthopedic easy chairs in the high-priced atmosphere of the Clean Room. These were the only rooms in the great conurbation–where absolute quiet was assured. You checked your devices at the door, although in some cases this was problematic, since not so recently many such devices had gone from supplemental technology to built-in prosthetics. The speakers were RICYRD, a blonde young man of about 70, and ANTONI, a dark old man of about 50. 

RICYRD began in his genially bantering style by asking “How be you, li’l feller?” These twin archaisms were doubly appreciated for their sheer felicity. ANTONI replied in kind, “I bane well. 10 minutes of artificial sunshine and I’m a new man.”

Nobody had dared to venture out unprotected in broad daylight for decades, so this was more information than RICYRD needed, and he started to say so, when suddenly he thought of a new tack.”Christianity has faded in the wake of more novel religions. But sooner rather than later, people will push aside these Johnny-come-lately cultic sects, and will adhere to Protestantism with a fervor that will astonish and horrify you.”

ANTONI replied “God speed the day.” His voice was dripping with an irony practically unknown in that era. “There is no hatred in religion but there is religious hatred.”

RICYRD replied, with equal irony, “There’s no money in poetry, but there’s poetry in money.”

Poetry, of course, was an antique form–leastways, poetry as a poet of the distant past would have understood it. It was as foreign a language as Volapük or Sanskrit.

After all, the two of them, being among the few who knew let alone understood history, were well aware of the unprecedented era in which they had found themselves. An era in which the news feed was a-twitter with news of radioactive tumbleweeds and the Happy Valley Ghetto, but nobody knew who Stalin, or Lenin, or Putin were, let alone Chairman Mao. An era in which the American Revolution was a distant platitude and the French Revolution had long ago been relegated to a trivia question.

 

It was a world in which, thanks to various compulsory HA HA drugs administered twice daily, nobody knew how to be unhappy. The drugs were manufactured with trace radioactivity to ensure patient compliance—and so it was, then, that the growing radical religious faith of Hoboism, and the ever-widening web blackouts, were met with equinaminity by the benumbed populace.

23.  VAGRANT PRESS CATALOG

 

RECENT RELIGIOUS AND NEW AGE TITLES
THE SATANIC BIBLE
Dr. Betubium Asyniur. Extinguishing that divine spark before it gets too big for its britches.
THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT THINGS WHICH DO NOT EXIST ACTUALLY DO EXIST
Dymphna Grangousier. Author recounts spirit-meetings with Elvis, Furby, Tupac, Marilyn and “Dear Mr. Jesus.”
SICK FOOD, HEALTH FOOD.
Issachar Milksop. All food is dead, but some foods are more dead than others. Paper.
SCENES, DREAMS, BOATS TO FOREVER
Don Van Vliet. “Boated ether creeps the ether feather” and other insights.
THE NEW SONG OF THE SEVENFOLD DEATH
Grand Lama Hucklebuck. G.L. is “In tha House” to show you how to rap your way to Nirvana.
TWELVE KEYS TO THE GATES OF THE PANTRY
Friar Cuthbert Usquebagh. Combining Christian, Hebrew, Greek and Celtic myths, these verse parables make fine bedtime stories for the kiddies.
SOUL SOLDIER
S/Sgt. Redlaw Limberham. Stirring tales of martial derring-do from the groovy G.I. whose fighting slogan is “Kill for peace.”
GO AWAY, LORD
Grey Greengold, aka Tribulation Faithpower. One man’s journey from devout priest to avowed agnostic. Calf-bound.
PRETTY PRETTY SISTER MOON
Johnanokes Esclandre. When a “poor little rich boy” finds a vagabond nun holed up in the bathroom of his Beverly Hills hacienda, two lives change for all eternity. Illustrated. 21+ and proof of age.
VERMIE, THE WORM WHO WAS AFRAID OF COMPOST
Johnnie Raw, PhD. Can Vermie outwit Bluejay the early bird and make his new home in completely rotten kitchen scraps? With diagrams.

VAGRANT PRESS: RECENT MEMOIRS AND AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL TITLES

I AM TOO A DOCTOR, VOLUMES ONE, TWO AND THREE
Kerry Bloss, M.D. In 340 autobiographical essays, the authoress gently chides the over-achieving, back-stabbing, male-dominated medical profession and its cut-throat band of snide, supercilous, social-climbing chauvinist medicos who care only for money and fame.
I GENTLY MOCK BUSINESSMEN FOR CASH ON THE BARRELHEAD
A. Biriwotz. How to succeed in business by being sort of funny. Introduction by Chris Buckbey.
THE IRISH MAFIA SUCKS
C. Calabrese. Posthumously published memoir completed just before author’s unfortunate “accident.”
STORIES KISSED BY JESUS
Reeve Bonsai. Humorous up-to-the-minute reminiscences based on Christ’s parables.
HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL OLD MAN AT FORTY
Cad Cadwell. Tips for the jejune on how to impress fat-cats with your political acumen.
THE SAUDIS ARE AMERICA’S FRIENDS
Norbert Quistgrow. Prominent libertarian anti-tax activist betrays his political scruples for vast wads of cash–and so can you!
BABY, EVERY DAY WITHOUT YOU IS A DAY THAT’S GONNA TURN OUT WRONG
S.G. Christ. Sequel to his acclaimed memoir I CRIED YESTERDAY. Large print.
MAKING WITH THE GAGS
Thomas Maxwell Ross Gampil. Impish humorist shows how to get a job producing hilarious and innovative sitcoms by hiring college cronies who write familiar pastiches of post-ironic jests.
A THING CALLED BOY
Anonymous. A robot is teased and ostracized by other machines for longing to become human. Adapted from the children’s classic by Carlo Collodi.
KORAN, SCHMORAN–GIMME A PIGFOOT AND A BOTTLE OF BEER
B. Smith. Posthumously published memoir completed just before author’s unfortunate “accident.”

VAGRANT PRESS: RECENT “HOW-TO” AND SELF-HELP TITLES

BACKGAMMON FOR ABSOLUTE IDIOTS
U. Gene Dong. Playing the game not to win but to frustrate your opponents. Illustrated.
MODERN BUT ALSO HIDDEN
Fariq Sadrim. Wisdom of the ancients given a refreshingly irreverent twist.
URINE TROUBLE
Fareydeen Batmanbareej. Ancient Hindu longevity methods too distressing to mention here.
FEED THE CATS TO THE RATS AND THE RATS TO THE CATS.
Brick Ragg. How to start your own Cat and Rat Ranch and get cat skins for “nuthin’.” By the author of TAKE THE BIG CATS DEEP-SEA FISHING.  Illustrated.  
SURVIVING THE DRUG MARATHON
D.R. Prophane, C.P.A. The mentally ill and substance abusers swap trade secrets.
A BOY NAMED MY GIRL BILL
Goldy Silverstein. Memoir of the son of a senescent Tin Pan Alley songster and a Brill Building factotum with a cruel sense of humor.
I WAS A GUNSEL FOR THE PTA
Roscoe Lard. Midget P.I. goes undercover to break up a 6th grade protection-for-lunch-money-

shakedown racket.
SINGING SONGS FOR SATAN
Mick Rolley. Disgruntled religious scholar discards scruples, becomes manager of a heavy-metal troupe.
IT’S HALLOWEEN, IT’S HALLOWEEN, IT’S HALLOWEEN!
Ricky Shagg. Stunningly drop-dead gorgeous poems exploring the ins and outs of the holiday.
DEEP THOUGHTS OF THE BUTCHER BOY
Caleb McPatrick. Light verse about often unsavory topics.

 
VAGRANT PRESS: RECENT NON-FICTION TITLES
MOPPING UP THE SLOPES
Presley “Prez” Presley. Navy janitor’s WWII memoir reveals an unexpected side to the dangers of custodial duties during wartime. Includes fold-out maps. Formerly titled I SPENT MOST OF THE WAR COWERING IN A SUPPLY CLOSET.

WHO IS THIS GODDAMN FREAK AND HOW DID HE GET PAST THE DOORMAN?
Rubin Stephenson. Memoirs of the disgruntled owner of the short-lived, less-than-celebrated NYC night club “Studio 55.” Paper.

DOUGLAS DUNG, THE ORGANIC GARDENER’S FRIEND
D.R. Nicholas Scratch. Douglas the dungheap and his vermin friends teach a little “sprout” the true joys of organic farming. Ages 5-8.

HEY JESUS, IT’S ME–MR. FAREYDEEN BATMANBAREEJ!
Fareydeen Batmanbareej. Religious memoir in rhymed verse based on the author’s personal experience of the power of prayer, positive thinking, and thirst-quenching Ayurvedic techniques. Illustrated by the author.

ARE YOU RUNNING WITH ME, BUDDHA?
Malcolm Malcolmson, S.J.D. Catholic priest explores new options in the wake of recent scandals. By the author of THE ONE AND ONLY CHRISTIAN GOD WILL FOREVER BE MY GLORY AND SALVATION.

AT THE SIGN O’ THE BEAST
“Petey Wheatstraw.” Psuedonymous memoir about a seemingly innocuous Jersey City Bar and Grill–which is not as harmless as it appears to foolish mortals! With an afterword by “The Mayor of Hell.”

THE CASE OF THE SLUGGISH SNAPPING TURTLE
King Ranch, PhD. Meek, mild, handsome but somewhat bashful College Professor and Marine Biologist who sometimes stutters when he gets drunk or flustered loses his inhibitions when he gets involved in a web of intrigue.

THE LAZY MAN’S GUIDE TO PHYSICAL FITNESS
Adipose Fati. Author shares quick fixes, tricks and shortcuts to becoming slender in a hurry. NOTE: VAGRANT PRESS IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF FOLLOWING THIS ADVICE.

CRIMINALS IN THIS WORLD OF FEAR
Professor Ginny Cringeworth, M.D. Noted psychologist explains why all our most seemingly irrational phobias are more than justified, in light of the always-deteriorating world situation.

THE VIEW FROM THE SKI-LIFT
Master Ken Logon, Esquire. Author’s self-composed religious meditations and prayers devised while running a failing but Christian-oriented ski resort. Formerly titled I REALLY DID SEE THE FACE OF JESUS IN AN ICICLE.

VAGRANT PRESS: RECENT FICTION & NON-FICTION TITLES

YOU CAN DO IT!
N.V.K.D. Peale. 1,001 encouraging statements, including “Attaboy,” “Way To Be,” and “Hot Diggity Dog Ziggity Boom.”

MY FRIEND MILLI
Charming tale of a bossy millipede who holds other neighborhood bugs in thrall. Ages 5-8.

40 YEARS OF UPS AND DOWNS
Andre Poilu. Autobiography of a man who ran the funicular railway in Quebec City. Translated from the French.

FLYING ON THE GROUND IS WRONG
Michael Glub. 1,242 page novel describes the author’s May 7, 1978 mescaline trip and his perilous journey, on foot and via subway, from the Lower East Side to the Upper West Side of New York City. Copiously illustrated by the author.

DR. LATIN AND MR. SAX
Zak Jerouac. Experimental fiction written in alternating chapters of ornate and concrete prose.

ANGEL PUP
F. Gledhill. Cynical yuppies find their hearts melting when the ghost of a dead pooch becomes their spiritual beacon.

CO-DEPENDANT AND LOVING IT
By “Me and My Gal.” Psuedonymous couple pen counter-therapuetic tell-all.

HEAVENS TO MURGATROYD, MR. SNAGGLEPUSS!
Al Koren. A real cool cat gets stranded on a desert island with two cool chicks. Ages 2-5.

THE TAIL-GUNNER AND THE WALLFLOWER
Petty Officer Client M. Pipkin. Can a Plain Jane find true love with a G.I. Joe who won her in a poker game, only then he had to leave her and he maybe got shot but she doesn’t know because he doesn’t call, he doesn’t write…. Paper.

FUN ADVENTURE FOR KIDS AGED 5-12.
Jim Younger Bumm. The title says it all. Fun adventure for kids aged 5-12.

RECENT FICTION AND NON-FICTION TITLES FROM VAGRANT PRESS

MR. KATT, PHD
E. Teller. Memoir of the world’s smartest tabby and his hilarious misadventures during the building of  Cal Tech’s particle accelerator.

LIES, ALL LIES, NOTHING BUT FILTHY FILTHY LIES
A Hitler. German politician confronts his critics and adversaries. Illustrated by plentiful maps.

LITTLE LAMB, WHO MADE THEE?
B. William.  Memoir of a deeply religious shepherd 40 years in the Australian outback.

GUH! WHAT A CANAL!
Joe Miller. Compilation of classic jokes dating from World War Two. By the author of CRUSHED NUTS? NO–SHELL SHOCK!

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO MAKE LOVE
D.R. Maven. Useful handbook for adolescents, prisoners, soldiers, priests and foreign legionnaires who either never knew or have totally forgotten. With spicy illustrations. 21+ only. Shipped in plain brown wrapper.

HOW MUCH IS THAT EIDOGG IN THE WIDNOW?
Alan Sott. Travails of a dyslexic songwriter (or, as he spells it, “snogriterw.”) With an “intordutcion” by the author.

MY FRIEND GOOFUS.
John Gallant. Soft-spoken, well-groomed lad attempts to guide his wayward friend toward respectability yet always fails spectacularly. Illustrated.Ages 2-6.

THE WAR ON POETRY
Peter Straub. A cabal of powerful fat-cats quit pretending they appreciate high art and embark on a vindictive crusade “to eliminate poetry in our lifetime.” With an introduction by John Ashcroft.

WORK HARD AND GROW RICH!
By “A. Mutt.” Vagrant Press has published some pretty “far out” vanity publications in the past, but this one beats all.Author claims it is not a lucky break or inherited wealth or the right connections or a million-dollar idea which will make you wealthy, but “good old elbow grease.”

THE STUPID LAW OF CHANGE
Rosa Lux, PhD. When bad things happen it’s probably all your fault. Either that, or it’s simply the cruelly random universe at work. Blame yourself, and stop struggling, you poor fool–there is absolutely nothing you can do.

VAGRANT PRESS SUMMER RELEASES

HALLELUJAH, I’M A HOMELESS MAN
By Dave Gegen with Boxcar Pete. Formerly obese businessman suffers financial reverses, turns vagabond, subsists on handouts, potato seeds, and stale dregs of beer and wine, loses 150 pounds, ends up in the hospital, and eventually finds happiness as an inspirational speaker.

THE CARROT TOP KILLER
Sasha Smith. Serial killer stalks brash prop comedian but no detective in the United States, Canada, Mexico, or Western Europe is willing to take the case.

OUT OF THE BLACK
H. Huertz. Bitter, spite-filled memoirs of a world-famous cartoonist’s obscure assistant. By the author of PEANUTS, SCHMEANUTS. Paper.

PRIVATE EYE OF NEWT AND TOE OF FROG
Z. Unkle. Shaman detective uses mystical trances to figure out unsolvable crimes and look under the dresses of pretty girls. 18+ only. Some content may be objectionable to Christians.

SOME POETRY THAT RHYMES FOR A CHANGE
Woody Williamsworth. Modern poetry is hard to understand, so the author leads us on a comfortingly familiar odyssey of cute pups, speckled hens, and fields of daisies. “Illuminated” by the author.

DANNY’S INFERNO
“Danny X.” Pyromaniac fireman’s pseudonymous tell-all memoir. Available in asbestos binding.

THE SMILING FACE OF THE MAN ON THE MURDER TRAIN
W. Starr. Dada detective goes gaga when surrealist serial killer leaves incomprehensible clues. Printed on toilet paper.

DOLLY, FROGGY AND OXINFREE: AN INTIMATE BIOGRAPHY
By “Froggy” Oxinfree with Kaitlin Kelley. Well-respected but little-known TV puppeteer’s posthumous show-biz memoir. Includes previously-seen photographs.

HAVE ANOTHER HIT–FROM MY LEAD-FILLED ROSCOE
O. Hamblin. Opium-smoking detective solves mysterious San Francisco Chinatown dosshouse deaths. By the author of TWELVE WOPS AND A WAC.

BE A QUITTER!
Charles Blackwood Bathhurst Algernon III. Irresponsible scion of fabulously wealthy British peers shares his hedonistic philosophy of all play and no work. By the author of BE A CAD! and BE A BOUNDER!

FAIRTOMIDDLINGPOETS.COM & VAGABOND PRESS PRESENT SUMMER READING

PEEPAW IS MY DANDY
Beckysue Li III. Chinese orphan’s gutsy tribute to her venerable ancestor.

WHEN THOU HEART BREAKETH THAT MEANETH THOU ART IN “LUV”
G. Christian Grassvalley. Sonnet cycle pays tribute to Dante, Shakespeare, Milton, Keats, McKuen and Red Buttons.

THE DANCING DOG
W. A. Gilder. The tale (teller!) wags the dog in this delightful children’s book about the sidesplitting misadventures of an ornery, trigger-happy cowpoke and his hapless pooch as they face the dangers of being “homeless on the range.” With charming illustrations by Keith Haring.

PATTERNS
Waco Lowee. Introspective, brooding verses about the author’s recovery from mental illness and black despair. Features his or her award-winning poem “That’s My Black Monkey in the Glass.”

MY BOY LOLLIPOP
M. Small. This sprightly collection of verses will make your heart go “giddy-up”-guaranteed, or your money back!

LET HER DANCE LET HER DANCE LET HER DANCE DANCE DANCE
K. Soje. Poems by and about a “wild child” of the 1960s.

I MEAN I CAN FLY…LIKE A BIRD IN THE SKY
Licoricestick McSilverstein-Marley. Poet sings the praises of life in the backwoods of the Ozarks and the “mean streets” of Brooklyn.

I AM FIVE
By Joey Ketcham. Five year old writes about what it’s like to be five. Sure to thrill five-year-olds of all ages.

INTERSTELLAR UNICORNS
Mandy Frodo Nebb. “Far out” and “magikal” verses from the furthest reaches of the known galaxy and beyond.

SWEET JESUS PLEASE DON’T LET ME GET EATEN BY A PACK OF WILD DOGS
R. McCoy. Posthumously published manuscript of a man trapped for three days in a wilderness cabin.

VAGABOND PRESS PRESENTS: STILL MORE SUMMER READING

YOU DON’T BUY $200 SNEAKERS WHEN THE KIDS ARE HUNGRY!
Lee Martin. Ruminations by the son of a lawyer and a doctor who, as the result of a few bad decisions and a biased D.A., ends up living in a public housing project.

YOUR SMILE IS KILLING ME
B. Hibben. Married woman with several children encounters a spooky misfit she once befriended 40 years ago.

UNCA TEEF’S BIG BOOK OF FUN
K. Dudley. Title belies contents of book–a serious study of the life of a small boy, abandoned by his parents, and his adventurous attempts to build a home for a stray kitten.

YOU’RE BAD!
S. Newton. Sixth-grade pothead and dope dealer describes life growing up on Penfort Street, very much on the wrong side of the tracks.

KIDNEYS URP! HITCHY-SLURP!
R. Hatcher. Talented graphic artist writes a first novel bursting at the seams with inventive ideas, some of which are actually coherent.

ACTIVE IN THE YARD
J. Bolich. Ambitious teen starts his own inter-urban boxing league but hits a stone wall when some shady-looking characters start placing large cash bets on the outcomes.

BACK OF MY NECK GETTING DIRTY AND GRITTY
F. Kush. Poignant memoir of life on Polish Hill, where the strongest drug was horseradish and home brew was the biggest thrill of all.

SWALLOW MY PRIDE
F. Seanez. Guitar-strumming teacher at a school for the deaf in Tuscon, Arizona gives it all up to become a high-stakes corporate lawyer in Manhattan.

WHEN I’M SEVEN I’M SURE TO BE DEAD
D. McGivern. Kindergarten buddies go on to lead very different lives, but a spooky monster reunites the “meddling kids”.

THE MERRY MARVEL MARCHING SOCIETY
R. Domachowski. Memoir of the early days of Stan Lee’s multi-billion-dollar empire, by one who wasn’t there but wishes he had been.

VAGRANT PRESS: FORTHCOMING TITLES

YAT!
Brian Bomar. Seedy misadventures of a marine biologist vacationing in New Orleans.

WHY AREN’T I FAMOUS YET? AND OTHER PROVOCATIVE QUESTIONS
C. McDonald. Award-winning author banishes self-pity with brash queries. With drawings by the author.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY: YOU SURE HAVE PUT ON A LOT OF WEIGHT
Joe Domino. Country bumpkin lawyer’s utter lack of tact dooms his chances for advancement.

AS SOON AS I SAW YOUR FACE OH WEEGA I KNEW YOU WERE DESTINED TO RULE THE UNIVERSE
Robert Plawski. Vegas pit boss wins trip to Alpha Centauri.

THE NAME IS LESTER, NOT LESTOIL
L. Bartlett. Inauspiciously-named teen faces the constant challenge of warding off schoolboy taunts. By the author of YEAH, MY MIDDLE NAME IS SYLVESTER–WHAT OF IT?

HEY MA, DON’T YOU CRASH MY PARTY
A. Colamarino. Has this ever happened to you? Your Mom crashes your party. Too much!

CAN I PLUMP YOUR PILLOWS, MA’AM?
Hy Daniels. Plucky lad recovers from a broken home and a spell in prison to gain an associates degree  in Recreation from Slippery Rock University.  

SMILE–THE DRINKS ARE ON ME! AND OTHER FABLES
B. Hagen. Disbarred Newport lawyer’s tell-all about representing the rich and famous. Illustrated.

THE STORY OF A BAND
D. Bear. Musician’s memoir reminds us the entertainment industry isn’t all beer and skittles, but usually involves more upscale debaucheries. With photos.

THAT KAT IS KRAZY
Jay Bonner. “Experimental” novel in which cartoon characters rub elbows with beatniks. By the author of FLEAHAVEN.

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