MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 183 JANUARY 2014

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 183
JANUARY 2014

Copyright 2014 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

INTRODUCTION: IN THE FUTURE
The future will never again be what it used to be prior to about 1973–a bright era filled with wondrous inventions. No, instead, the consensus appears to be that the future will be at least mildly depressing–that it will bring with it the making manifest of all that is hidden–but that we won’t like it much. In that spirit, this year, THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC almanac offers 365 days worth of future predictions to both thrill, and, possibly, console you.

AND NOW…MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:
THE 2014 MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC

JANUARY
1. In the future, computers will do all the work and the rest of us will be put in protective custody just to keep us out of the way.
2. In the future, salad bars will be nationalized.
3. In the future, the more illusory the enemy, the more ruthlessly he will be hunted down.
4. In the future, virtual fighter pilots will drop logic bombs.
5. In the future, Americans will be known as “Earth Hogs”.
6. In the future, people will worship drugs, alcohol, God, and sitcoms.
7. In the future mental illness will be commodified.
8. In the future, xenophobes will be forced to go back to where they didn’t come from.
9. In the future all forms of art will be called ‘sexual harassment’.
10. In the future, celebrities will be designer myths.
11. In the future, punk rockers will retire and get anti-social security.
12. In the future, females will be flash frozen at the peak of beauty.
13. In the future, dogs will be named “Jesus”.
14. In the future: The Irony Curtain.
15. In the future, companies will employ a full-time Spinmaster General.
16. In the future, weapons will run on solar power.
17. In the future: Organic Junk Food.
18. In the future: Meme Warfare.
19. In the future, the sun will be used as a garbage dump.
20. In the future, we will have years without a winter.
21. In the future, there will be honesty drugs.
22. In the future, people will be celebrated for their ignorance.
23. In the future, the recent past will seem so remote we will no longer understand it.
24. In the future, all zealots will be exiled to Zealot Island.
25. In the future, illusion will be proven to be reality.
26. In the future, the internet will have a Valid Information Portal available only to the elites.
27. In the future, roving Hate Patrols will preemptively arrest people about to commit thought crimes.
28. In the future: Brand Terrorism.
29. In the future, meat eating will be considered pathological and will require support groups for Adult Children of Carnivores.
30. In the future, the sun itself will be weaponized.
31. In the future, hypno-patsies will have their own TV shows.

FEBRUARY
1. In the future, sodas will feature flavors such as sand and dirt.
2. In the future, there will be punishment camps in which people will be forcibly disconnected from the virtual world.
3. In the future, Status will be determined by a democratic process.
4. In the future, holograms will have personalities which make real people seem superficial.
5. In the future, the evidence of the senses will not stand up in a court of virtual law.
6. In the future, psychopharmacological drugs will imbue instant normalcy.
7. In the future, there will be Good Science and Evil Science.
8. In the future, self-immolation, as always, will be the best way to get noticed.
9. In the future, look for HETERO MAGAZINE and WHITE BUSINESS MONTHLY.
10. In the future, beware the Psychic Enemies Network.
11. In the future, the Pope will have official sponsors.
12. In the future there will be a true democracy, and it will be intolerable.
13. In the future, “Have a nice day” will mean “You’re an asshole.”
14. In the future, things will be called cute which are not only not cute at all, but even vaguely horrifying.
15. In the future, “Sir” will mean “Fatso.”
16. In the future, hieroglyphic news blasts will be delivered through word of eye.
17. In the future, there will be a magazine called HIGHLIGHTS FOR ADULTS.
18. In the future, we will enlist fungal allies in our war against the insect world.
19. In the future, our mythology will consist of tales of how all the myths came to be commodified.
20. In the future, a breakaway sect will worship Judas.
21. In the future, a breakaway sect will worship Ringo.
22. In the future, protest will take place under oxymoronic banners.
23. In the future, there will be no boundaries of acceptable opinion–at least, among the elites.
24. In the future, the Military Industrial Complex will be sold as a fun experience for all ages.
25. In the future, financial sanctions will discourage excessive individualism.
26. In the future, ghettos will have names like The Happy Valley.
27. In the future, Darwin, Freud, and Einstein will be thought of as ridiculous.
28. In the future, there will be a blended whiskey named after a woman.

MARCH
1. In the future: Bible Porn.
2. In the future, the religion of Hoboism will briefly sweep the Western World.
3. In the future, roving Advice Squads will offer Street Counseling.
4. In the future, chimps and robots will vote.
5. In the future, machines will complain.
6. In the future, corporations will have their own folklore.
7. In the future, everything will be a special advertising section.
8. In the future, there will be centers for the study of Proletarian Culture.
9. In the future, books will be so bad that the movie will be better than the book.
10. In the future, mass panic will erupt whenever the web goes dark.
11. In the future we will know so much about our mental health that it will drive us crazy.
12. In the future computers, like people, will be deliberately dumbed down.
13. In the future, anything which isn’t funny will be labeled “Satire”.
14. In the future, everybody will have a persecution complex and everybody will be justified.
15. In the future: Two-sided playing cards.
16. In the future, food will have indigestible microchips added to track our eating habits.
17. In the future, gambling will be made compulsory.
18. In the future, pundits will frame controversy as consensus.
19. In the future: Necrotizing Fascismus.
20. In the future, everything we need to know will be in comic books.
21. In the future: Digital Brownshirts.
22. In the future: Nonstop Soft Porn.
23. In the future, Materialism will be disguised as Progressivism.
24. In the future, the unemployed will be put to work creating taxonomies of ephemera.
25. In the future: Progressive Totalitarianism.
26. In the future: Massive Bum Scares.
27. In the future we will venerate fascist vigilantes.
28. In the future, visionaries of the American Shadow Culture will be mainstreamed.
29. In the future, people will act Green while being secretly wasteful.
30. In the future: Cretin Detectors.
31. In the future: Luxury Ghost Towns.

APRIL
1. In the future, the past will be whatever you choose to call it.
2. In the future, pressure groups will be able to plant a Smart Ranter on strategic street corners.
3. In the future, superstitious “natives” will worship plutonium and styrofoam.
4. In the future, whole nations will become a Mecca for Vulgarians.
5. In the future, a Satanic Pope will command enormous respect for her enlightened policies.
6. In the future, Art will be What Doesn’t Sell.
7. In the future, politicians will be protected by an all-purpose insanity plea.
8. In the future, the President will also be known as Brother Number One.
9. In the future, BC will refer to the era Before Computers.
10. In the future, inappropriate cultural dogmas will become clandestine cults.
11. In the future. our pets will be neural clones of us.
12. In the future, there will be a booming business in Geek Profiling.
13. In the future: Robot Biographies.
14. In the future there will be a science of paleo-psychiatry.
15. In the future the Boomerabilia craze will threaten to overwhelm the collectibles industry.
16. In the future, most novels will be 50 pages long.
17. In the future, dot commissars will control vast stretches of cyber-territory.
18. In the future, cyber infrastructure will be menaced by throwback code.
19. In the future, Europeans will be regarded as naive.
20. In the future, an opera will be written about the menace of space junk.
21. In the future, all cartoons will be political cartoons.
22. In the future, dysfunctional sprawltown will be replaced by ghetto archipelagos.
23. In the future, cyber-currency trading will fluctuate with sunspot activity.
24. In the future, sunspot activity will be manipulated in order to rig cyber-currency trading.
25. In the future, a telephone company will be its own independent nation.
26. In the future: canals on Mars; Railroads on the Moon.
27. In the future, wordless books will enjoy an extended vogue.
28. In the future, outsized fedoras will be inexplicably fashionable.
29. In the future, people will become victims of lifestyle rage.
30. In the future, people will continue to admire their oppressors.

MAY
1. In the future: Gourmet Baby Food.
2. In the future, there will be an Indian on the twenty-dollar bill.
3. In the future, people will suffer from Data Shock.
4. In the future: Comedy Gulags!
5. In the future, immortality will be used as a punishment rather than an incentive.
6. In the future: Coming Gender Armageddon.
7. In the future, prisoners will be segregated by I.Q.
8. In the future, female police officers will be known as “Pink Fuzz”.
9. In the future, working class habits and mores will be widely emulated.
10. In the future, Bugs Bunny cartoons will be banned as obscene.
11. In the future, justice will be a luxury.
12. In the future, every political talk show will have a designated dissident.
13. In the future, tradition will be subject to constant change.
14. In the future: Soy Babies.
15. In the future poverty will trickle up.
16. In the future, optical illusions will lead people calmly to their destiny.
17. In the future: Poetry Machines.
18. In the future, carpenters will be celebrities.
19. In the future: One Car, One Vote.
20. In the future, experts will tell us what to think before we even think it.
21. In the future: The Church of Friday.
22. In the future, wonders will cease.
23. In the future, complete honesty will be outlawed.
24. In the future, the cloud will know everything about you, including your most loathsome secrets.
25. In the future: Fur Pimps.
26. In the future candor will be the only unacceptable guile.
27. In the future, slaves will be proud of their servitude.
28. In the Future: Beware the Smiley Gang.
29. In the Future: Reluctant Celebrities.
30. In the future there will be mystery novels set in the stone age.
31. In the future, Cybertage will be punishable by death.

JUNE
1. In the future, teenage vandals will perpetrate data mischief.
2. In the future the common people will exist in a terrifying wasteland between ignorance and hysteria.
3. In the future, smirking consumer braggarts will serve as role models.
4. In the future, there will be sitcoms about the antics of the very poor.
5. In the future, we will experience the new past.
6. In the future, areas lacking in broadband coverage will be known as cyber ghettos.
7. In the future: White Comfort Food.
8. In the future, toxic desserts will carry government advisories.
9. In the future, kleptocratic shell states run by murderous warlords will be the norm.
10. In the future, media robots will program all information feeds.
11. In the future: Fear the Coming of The Superclown.
12. In the future: The Invention of the Irony Pill.
13. In the future: Hobos with rocket sleds.
14. In the future: Soul Viruses.
15. In the future, media consumers will be treated for charisma fatigue.
16. In the future, there will be new ways to go completely insane.
17. In the future, the present will be more futury and the past will be less pasty.
18. In the future, God will be described as a large scale quantum effect.
19. In the future, we will all be dominated by gentle market totalitarianism.
20. In the future, people will be ranked according to categories based on psychological vulnerabilities.
21. In the future will we all exist solely within a matrix of living thought.
22. In the future, anonymity will be more highly prized than celebrity.
23. In the future, colleges will offer courses on human herd management.
24. In the future, free will shall be proven to be an obstinate illusion.
25. In the future, pasties will cover all but three areas of the female body.
26. In the future, sports partisanship will be compulsory.
27. In the future we must all Obey Robot Wisdom.
28. In the future, “No Irony” will be a literary category.
29. In the future, there will be a gang of bohemians known as The Art Bullies.
30. In the future, hallucinogenic Crazy Bread will be sold openly in the streets.

JULY
1. In the future, males will be flash frozen at the peak of potency.
2. In the future, the earth will be an interplanetary pariah.
3. In the future, politicians will be no style and no substance.
4. In the future, meat will be grown in flesh gardens.
5. In the future there will be a utopia for nihilists.
6. In the future, soldiers will be accused of peace crimes.
7. In the future, minorities will fail to benefit from affirmative inaction.
8. In the future, people will be branded with the Mark of Disney, without which they can neither buy nor sell.
9. In the future, rat poison will be advertised as Not Tested on Animals.
10. In the future, preachers will use profanity in their sermons.
11. In the future, entire novels will be written using Intelligent Phrase Filters.
12. In the future, an apocalyptic sect will link the end of the world to the end of the minting of pennies.
13. In the future, plays will be advertised as being “Just like the movies only better because they’re real.”
14. In the future, Jesus will be used as an ad symbol.
15. In the future, anti-politicians will have negative charisma.
16. In the future: Situationist Comedy.
17. In the future, the late 20th Century will be known as the Pre-Postmodern Era.
18. In the future, there will be a prominent politician named Liberty Smith.
19. In the future, Yes will mean No and No will mean Yes.
20. In the future, the Sins of the Grandfathers will also be visited upon the Sons.
21. In the future, people will be encouraged to take a fearful amoral inventory of their lives.
22. In the future: Supermax High Schools.
23. In the future, members of the underclass will be indoctrinated in a perverse mythology perpetually epitomizing deviancy.
24. In the future, technology will metastacize.
25. In the future, people will be psychically challenged.
26. In the future, people will mix psychotropic drugs to produce custom-made results.
27. In the future, Buyer’s Remorse will be listed in the DSM.
28. In the future, nothing will be unprintable, but no one will read.
29. In the future, War will be replaced by an indefinite state on non-peace.
30. In the future, in the spirit of planned obsolescence, there will be oxymoronic professions.
31. In the future: The Anti-Disney Movement.

AUGUST
1. In the future, the President will be a fictional character.
2. In the future, mystic intellectuals will provide Mindful Entertainment.
3. In the future, artists will work more on memory than imagination.
4. In the future, the Tedium will be the Message.
5. In the future, cultural conditioning will be allowed as an insanity defense.
6. In the future, television programming will be beamed directly to the reptilian brain.
7. In the future, Prole Models will captivate the nation’s impressionable Youth.
8. In the future, people will seek to escape into the Ordinary.
9. In the future, it will be fashionable to be conspicuous for not spending money.
10. In the future, “Me and Other People Like Me” will be a recognized racial category.
11. In the future: Peanut Soda.
12. In the future, men will be taught to worship “The Composite Master of Infinite Time and Space.”
13. In the future, silence will be noisy.
14. In the future, stores will market a Hunger Mix.
15. In the future, Pre-Traumatic Happiness Syndrome will be a category in the DSM.
16. In the future, there will be a drug which will enable us to script our dreams.
17. In the future, Psychiatrists will market a Sanity Compass.
18. In the future: beware the Comedy Slam.
19. In the future, the Virtual World will celebrate a Reality Week.
20. In the future, we will all be dependent on the National Entertainment State.
21. In the future: Anti-Advertising.
22. In the future, the world of comedy will be dominated by slobbering bohunks.
23. In the future, art will be replaced by Art-Based Product.
24. In the future, there will be a television show devoted to Outrageous Lies.
25. In the future, we will line up our scapegoats in advance and keep them ready.
26. In the future, there will also be beautiful stereotypes.
27. In the future, heroin smoke will be pumped into gambling casinos.
28. In the future, sports will be a religion.
29. In the future, people will be able to shop at The Revenge Store.
30. In the future: Consumerismo.
31. In the future, Rome will elect a wisecracking Pontiff

SEPTEMBER
1. In the future, art films will mostly concern themselves with the voguish obsessions of the fast-vanishing bourgeoisie.
2. In the future there will be a whole new class: The Poorgeoisie.
3. In the future, the borders between history and myth will become permanently blurred.
4. In the future, much comedy will be generated from the absurd beliefs of naive Americans.
5. In the future, elites will be hooked into The Alpha Feed.
6. In the future, ammunition will be certified as Green.
7. In the future, the marketplace will sell Authentic Replicas.
8. In the future, our clones will be Better Versions of Ourselves.
9. In the future, the CIA will go in for Nation Busting.
10. In the future, there will be an Oz film exclusively about the Flying Monkeys.
11. In the future, black lipstick will be outlawed.
12. In the future, there will be a great deal of talk about The Former United States.
13. In the future, NYC will be known as The Velvet Sewer.
14. In the future, young people will bore old people with interminable stories about how healthy they are.
15. In the future, comic strips will be replaced by hieroglyphics.
16. In the future, there will be drugs which replicate the feeling of falling in love.
17. In the future, a University will endow a Chair of Mundane Studies.
18. In the future, the Pope will name a Patron Saint of Television.
19. In the future, The Tragedy Brothers will be the hottest act in Vegas.
20. In the future, total silence will be a rare luxury.
21. In the future, there will be angry robots.
22. In the future, children will worship a character known as “Sir Brat.”
23. In the future, there will be a popular cartoon called “Katzenstein and Dogula”.
24. In the future, revolutionary robots will issue The Android Manifesto.
25. In the future, there will be seven states: ATL, EST, CST, MST, PST, ALA, and HAW.
26. In the future, virtual real estate will be owned by Absentee Thoughtlords.
27. In the future, “Arty” will mean “Dirty” and “Smart” will mean “Dull.”
28. In the future, there will be over a million channels, and not one will be worth watching.
29. In the future: Fascist Theme Parks.
30. In the future, an artist named Johnny Alcatraz will be a singing sensation.

OCTOBER
1. In the future, Rock and Roll, Jesus, and Frankenstein will never die.
2. In the future, there will be a new and improved version of an old sport called Crazy Golf.
3. In the future, old folks will be encouraged to visit “The Black Angel’s Chamber of Fun & Death”.
4. In the future: Survival of the Cutest.
5. In the future: Designated Free Speech Areas.
6. In the future, Historians will speak of Occidental Despotism.
7. In the future there will be Hymns to Tyranny.
8. In the future, Humanity will be led to happiness with an iron fist.
9. In the future, the government will use rain to keep people off the streets.
10. In the future, the industrial world will be regarded as an arcadia.
11. In the future, the most successful artists will exploit the cutting edge of nostalgia.
12. In the future, the wretched majority will never rise up.
13. In the future: Designated Slavezones.
14. In the future: Proletarian Utopias.
15. In the future, the honest will be doomed.
16. In the future: Robust Fatalism.
17. In the future: The Rise of the Incoherent State.
18. In the future, the most pressing and real concerns of the young will be regarded as trivial.
19. In the future, Trivia Vigilantes will patrol the web to combat thoughtcrime.
20. In the future, a talent to amuse will be mistaken for an ability to inform.
21. In the future, broken promises will be taken for granted.
22. In the future, surfaces will be declared to carry their own profundity.
23. In the future, Professors will pontificate beneath a carapace of postmodern knowingness. And will still be regarded as ridiculous.
24. In the future, politics will be seen as a shabby conspiracy among money-hustlers. But nobody will care.
25. In the future, aesthetics will be militarized.
26. In the future, heroes will be expensive and gods will be cheap.
27. In the future, rich men will hire Trophy Brains.
28. In the future, the internet will be a pimp machine for commodity fetishism.
29. In the future, imaginary worlds will be more realistically equipped than the real world.
30. In the future: Playboy Monks.
31. In the future, people will dress in costumes all the time, except for special occasions in which they adopt conventional garb.

NOVEMBER
1. In the future, we will all be secure beneath the watchful eyes of men and women who only want to protect us from ourselves.
2. In the future, there will be an etiquette for the burning of books of etiquette.
3. In the future, all controversies will be contrived as advertising gimmicks or other, more sinister propaganda.
4. In the future, there will be Pseudodelic Music.
5. In the future, short stories will be about what people talk about when they talk about nothing.
6. In the future, people who express themselves in polysyllables will be speaking a language which is foreign to the great mass of men.
7. In the future, fast food will be a robot’s idea of home cooking.
8. In the future, people will suffer from a condition known as Emotional Septicaemia.
9. In the future, there will be histrionics on a mass scale and an incessant inflation of the modes of expression.
10. In the future, Facebook will be known as Post-Id Notes.
11. In the future, we will be afflicted by propaganda machines which paint the heartland in a bad light.
12. In the future, talk show hosts will display an instant and constant capacity for indignation and urgency.
13. In the future, Niagra Falls will be renamed Viagra Falls.
14. In the future, politics will be uglier than ever.
15. In the future, pundits will display an array of petit-bourgeois prejudices.
16. In the future, college students will be indoctrinated in hierarchically approved notions of ambition.
17. In the future, American foreign policy will be ruled by wise guy unilateralism.
18. In the future: A New Customized Consumer Proletariat.
19. In the future, there will be a near-total absence of skepticism.
20. In the future, people will be healthy even if it kills them.
21. In the future, there will be a special interest group called The Whores of Peace.
22. In the future, roving bands of pro-meat partisans will go around terrorizing vegetarians.
23. In the future, misery pills will be prescribed for people on tranquilizers who want to feel normal.
24. In the future: A show called “Celebrity Troublemakers”.
25. In the future: Perp Schools for the Criminal Classes.
26. In the future the United States will be known as Empire Lite.
27. In the future: Generic Book Reviews.
28. In the future: More Miserables.
29. In the future, humans will have robot emotions.
30. In the future, there will be politically correct liquor stores.

DECEMBER
1. In the future: Homeopathic Placebos.
2. In the future: The Church of Dracula.
3. In the future, the West will be afflicted by penitential narcissism.
4. In the future there will be a book called “The One Minute Millionaire.”
5. In the future, geniuses will be useless.
6. In the future: A Low-Intensity Police State.
7. In the future, the internet will be the Beast with the Billion Eyes.
8. In the future, politicians will be expected to answer serious questions with wisecracks.
9. In the future, Democracy will be defined downward.
10. In the future, robots will have lawyers.
11. In the future, news reports will be geared around culturally dominant assumptions.
12. In the future, babies will be overscheduled.
13. In the future: Dostoyevskyland.
14. In the future: Theremin-Mania!
15. In the future, there will be a television show called “Wisecracks ‘n’ Stunts.”
16. In the future, Dark Ages to the Left of Us; Dark Ages to the Right.
17. In the future, narrowed expectations will be ubiquitous.
18. In the future there will be a post-truth society.
19. In the future, terrorism will be committed by mad agents of the bourgeoisie.
20. In the future there will be new Deadly Sins.
21. In the future, the exchange of all information will take place inside a closed loop of propaganda.
22. In the future, this era will be known as The Disinformation Age.
23. In the future, it will be believed that Hitler won World War II.
24. In the future, Pundits will declare that Frosty the Snowman is White.
25. In the future: Boom! Atomic Christmas!
26. In the future: Virtual Nations.
27. In the future, people will be penalized for reincarnating without government permission.
28. In the future, we will celebrate nonexistent victories over evanescent foes.
29. In the future, elderly people will shop at “The Death Store” where they will be able to purchase items such as “Now I Can Die Happy Chairs.”
30. In the future: Feral Consumerism.
31. In the future, Terms and Conditions Will No Longer Apply.

THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC. ARCHIVE:
2007: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977004217
2008: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977221496
2009: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977565421
2010: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977969402
2011: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978851374
2012: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980950364
2013: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474981829985

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