MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
Copyright 2013 Francis DiMenno
AND NOW…MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:
1. NOIR COMEDY
3. THE CRUSH OF INFORMATION
4. DICTIONARY OF SCHLOCK
5. CORNFLAKES & SWEET VERMOUTH
6. BIG FAT ZOMBIE
7. AMERICA RUNS ON NARCISSISM
8. COLDBLOODED JAUNTINESS
9. REAL BAD TROUBLE
10. THE CULT OF NOW
11. LASHINGS OF NIHILISM
13. ACCIDENTAL PICASSO
14. RULE OF FOUR
15. GIORGIO DONALD
16. PYOTR NARR
17. SECRET RACIST DOG WHISTLE
18. THE FATHER AND THE SON
19. LACEY FAIRE
20. CIRCUS ZOMBIES
NOIR MISFORTUNE COOKIES: TWELFTH SERIES
1101. She treated you like a dog. But…you are a dog.
1102. It’s not over until it’s over. Guess what? It’s over.
1103. You are lost on a wild sea of adult pain.
1104. The evidence needed for your alibi has been lost forever.
1105. The Big Man will reward all his henchmen–except you.
1106. Listen, creep–blow town. You’re all washed up around here.
1107. You will go kicking and screaming into that good night.
1108. You think you’re the Big Cheese–but you’re just another rat.
1109. They look in your eyes and see a corpse.
1110. You don’t get a pass this time–you stink of failure.
1111. Fool! You interfere at the peril of your own life.
1112. No shelter from the storm of the Big Man’s wrath.
1113. Every hope you cling to will become another trap.
1114. Wallow in comforting lies. The truth will get you nowhere.
1115. You’re a poisonous spider. Fortunately, your web is very small.
1116. You are a small boy’s idea of a Big Shot.
1117. Final reel of your movie: death of an old con.
1118. You’ll be the guest of honor at the Hangman’s Ball.
1119. You relish your despair because you live to fail.
1120. A whorehouse was your kindergarten; your high school was jail.
1121. Your lonely heart beats rapidly while everything dissolves.
1122. You wander through life half alive, but mostly dead.
1123. You’re not Jesus; you’re one of the Romans. A weakling.
1124. The world’s full of liars, but you’re lying to yourself.
1125. You swore Eternal Fidelity–in a City of Broken Vows.
1126. Take care of yourself; get plenty of rest. You’ll need it.
1127. Your power is your prison; your secret is your weakness.
1128. Your every wish fulfilled becomes a future nightmare.
1129. You’re an old-fashioned relic of a shattered regime.
1130. Anything is possible; only your ship is never coming in.
1131. By living only to fail you fail to live.
1132. You are anxious about lost innocence you never had.
1133. Your education only taught you to accept your own undoing.
1134. Your free will is paradoxically your tyrant.
1135. Jealous barber, throat slash, basement grave, nosy coppers, hot seat.
1136. Her smile is killing you. Literally.
1137. Sinner, beware! Acts of God are closer than they appear.
1138. Your lazy self pity will be shattered by hard reality.
1139. You are nothing but a donkey with a hard mouth.
1140. That’s all there is and there ain’t no more.
1141. You are the answer to no one’s prayer.
1142. Sit down. Shut up. Nobody cares about a stupid old man.
1143. Your pregnant wife is a secret drinker.
1144. They all judge you; not one is merciful or kind.
1145. All the devils in the world are glaring–at you.
1146. Even your one friend calls you a dyspeptic crank.
1147. Why do you talk, crazed one, when there’s nobody to listen?
1148. Even your loyal dog flees–from the scent of murder.
1149. Surrender. You are a man who has been completely used up.
1150. You are the identical twin of a known serial killer.
1151. The snowdrift provides a cool white blanket. Sleep, drunken one.
1152. At forty you had neither a heart nor a brain.
1153. She would never have married you; you are just a thug.
1154. The man who knows your secrets is now your most bitter foe.
1155. You are trash. What happens to trash? It gets burned.
1156. Proud fool–your head shall be made to bow in sorrow.
1157. Even now, the FBI is aggressively interrogating your nosy neighbors.
1158. You should be born again as somebody else. Somebody good.
1159. You’re so changed your high school sweetheart doesn’t recognize you.
1160. She would never have loved you if she had known.
1161. You are dead to all your friends and soon for real.
1162. Tired? That’s no excuse. Most people are tired.
1163. You are truly without friends–and deserve to be.
1164. Bad parents, squandered chances, sad carelessness–death by misadventure.
1165. You are afraid of that looming Jersey Barrier–and you are justified.
1166. Your parents should have kept the dog and given you away.
1167. Those burly men who tease you at the bar are not your friends.
1168. Surrender all your desires–they will never be fulfilled anyway.
1169. They do not suspect your quiet exterior conceals a seething rage.
1170. You will never find your way home. You have no home.
1171. Being a broken-down old man is now your full-time job.
1172. Your short life has been one long misadventure.
1173. All of your secret self-doubts are now public record.
1174. Even your loved ones grow tired of your excuses.
1175. The psychiatrist can’t help you. Nobody can.
1176. Nobody wants to hear the complaints of a bitter old man.
1177. Bald, ugly, and stupid–you might as well stay at home.
1178. The world is a conspiracy to ignore you.
1179. Even the friendly dog bares his teeth in your presence.
1180. Concerned parents forbid their children from talking to you.
1181. Your life is now in its anticlimax.
1182. You are such a dinosaur even the old shun you.
1183. People look at you and silently shake their heads.
1184. They have recorded your every crime on video.
1185. Soon you will pay for all your foolish misdeeds.
1186. Every day is, for you, the final judgment.
1187. Hell? This is hell, nor are you out of it.
1188. You will never win the lottery, so why bother?
1189. Yours will be a life of deprivation and squalor.
1190. You are quickly coming to the end of your tether.
1191. Your very presence is enough to bother people.
1192. Why don’t you surrender now, and save us all some trouble?
1193. You are not fit to even shine the shoes of your superiors.
1194. Fool–you can’t even hold down a minimum wage job.
1195. You have been educated in the school of black folly.
1196. Why don’t you stay at home and leave decent people in peace?
1197. You may have brains, but they are the wrong kind.
1198. You are scrounging for pennies in a land of millionaires.
1199. You should never have tried to rise above your station.
1200. All that is left for you now is sweet, endless sleep.
In Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Burl Ives is so COMPLACENT. With that old man hat, and that douchebag facial hair–I want to say to him, “Get OUT! Get OUT! You represent everything banal and corrupt about Santaland!!!”
Sentimentality aside, has Aerosmith ever been more than second rate in virtually ever aesthetic dimension that matters? Appearance, comportment, music–all seemed–and seem to this day– derivative of earlier and superior models. Even their vulgarity loses some of its power when you consider how much it owes to their sedulous aping of the Stones, et al.
The best thing you can say about Maya Angelou’s poetry is that it sometimes struggles to rise, in vain, to the level of barely adequate prose.
Billy Collins: the poet for people who think that reading poetry–any poetry– makes them more intellectually advanced. In this, he takes over the slot previously held by e.e. cummings.
Mary Oliver’s fans are the kind of people who like to read her verses on posters with pictures of peaceful animals on them.
23. 21ST CENTURY GENRE FICTION
LAWYERS IN LOVE NOIR
“Is that a subpeona in your pocket, or are just happy to see me?”
POLITICALLY CORRECT HORSE OPERA
“It must have been the Comanches–Apaches don’t scalp their victims.” “You’re probably correct, speaking from an anthropological viewpoint, but actually, I believe the practice of taking scalps originated with the white man!・Jesse McCooter wanted to kill the ‘Dude’–but he also had to admit he had a
SCI-FI PSYCHIATRIST VS. SERIAL KILLER
“Now I see the pattern.” “What is it, Dr. McCrippen?”The Doctor, a disembodied head attached to a jar of aerated plasma, thoughtfully licked his forehead with his prosthetic tongues, and replied, “Why, the fiend is using Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle to plan his heinous murders!” “–You mean–” “Yes! He has NO MODUS OPERANDI AT ALL!”
ANACHRONISTIC HISTORICAL MYSTERY STORY
“Now see here, you ruffian….・But before Kevin Fujimoto could finish, the striped-shirt-wearing derby-hatted thug disabled his autogiro with a well-aimed musket blast.
COMEDIC POLICE PROCEDURAL
“Cocaine?! I thought it was flour!!” “No wonder that batch of powdered doughnuts has the squad room so jinky!”
LONE MAN AGAINST THE ELEMENTS
“There were sixteen distinct types of snow in the arctic circle–and soon Gus McKraaken was intimately acquainted with every one of them.”
ENVIRONMENTAL EXPOSE AND SUBURBAN ANGST
Was that Malathion that his reclusive neighbor Angus Grieder was storing in his woodshed? Maybe that would explain why all the neighborhood cats and birds had vanished….
SCI-FI RENEGADE DEFEATS CONSPIRACY
“You can take Commandant McMasters down–but it would cost you your life.” “Earth fool– I come from a planet where life is cheap. Where we breathe ammonia–and the DNA is infinitely replicable.”
WHIMSICAL NEIGHBORS AND THEIR ROMANTIC QUIRKS
“I am not a Rastafarian. Actually, I am one-quarter Navaho.” “Oh well,・Percy Johnson simpered, “Better Red than Dread I always say.”
COMEDIC MOB THRILLER
“YO, Angie! I fuckin’said go to fuckin’ Boston and get in touch with some MOBSTERS!” “Jeez, Donnie, I coulda fuckin’ SWORE ya said LOBSTERS!”
IMBECILE RISES IN POLITICS
“Sure, I collect elephant figurines. What’s wrong with that?” “Idiot! You’re a Democrat!”
“No thanks Miz Hillman. I shore do ‘preciate yore offer of a drink, but I got a passel o’groceries to deliver!” Dressed only in a filmy negligee, the Coach’s wife sighed and thought, “Jack Ruby Community College ain’t growin’ ’em any brighter these days!”
As he licked the greasy newspaper the chips had been wrapped in, Sean McRank exclaimed, “You’re my China Plate, Father O’Flannel!” “Plinty more where that come from, me boy,” said the rotund prelate, winking.
REALISTIC TALE OF THREE WORKING STIFFS JUST GETTING BY WHO GET MIXED UP IN MISADVENTURES AND WHO GET IN OVER THEIR HEADS AND THE STUPID ONE DIES
“Just drive the car, that’s all! It’ll be the easiest two grand yuh ever made!
And don’t tell your wife.” “Aww, she ain’t talked to me in two days–ever since I
ruined all her butter knives in the garbage disposal.” “Hell, two large’ll sure ’nuff buy you a whole lotta new silverware….”Yeah? Well I’m thinkin’ more like it’ll buy me a one-way ticket outa Palookaville.”
STUFFY OUTER SPACE BRIT CONSPIRACY MYSTERY WESTERN
“I say, Cedric, old toff… aren’t those the Rigelian murder-bots from Comanche-9?” “They are–and I do believe they’re holding Inspector Android hostage!”
“Is that a laser pistol in your pocket or…?”
She never got to finish the sentence. She suddenly disintegrated.
26. WHAT FOODS THESE MORSELS BE
Word on the street: Don Marscapone has put out a hit
Don Bruderbasil says he sleeps with the fishes, but
you can’t trust a Dutchman.
Suddenly, Don Gouda bursts in and says, “Cheese it,
It was a false alarm. In walks Farmer Cheese and when
he sees the Big Man, he melts.
Then in walks Extra Large Brown. He’s a tough
hard-boiled egg. But no egg is too tough to crack.
With a menacing wheeze, Don Marscapone says to Don
Mozzerella and Don Asiago, “OK boys–break him.”
Extra Large Brown turns left and right. He’s just
about to crack when in walks Dr. Mystic Yogi Feta, who
throws his amulet at Don Marscapone. The amulet
shatters, and the crooks are wreathed in a choking
mist. As Dr. Mystic Yogi Feta reassembles the amulet,
Extra Large Brown turns to him and says, “I’m sorry
about your amulet.” To which Dr. Mystic Yogi Feta
“YOU CAN’T MAKE AN AMULET WITHOUT BREAKING A FEW
27. AMAZON REVIEW: MY STRUGGLE
I have NEVER before opened a book and read it to the end. It was so
full of wisdom and wise moments. The story of brought tears to my eyes
as it seemed to remind me of my growing up. We were so poor. The
Little Chancellor knew what it is like to struggle and be poor. I know
the Holy Spirit surely gave the world the leader it so desperately
needed. When we finally had a house to live in, my mother would open
the door to a room and tell me to get on my knees and pray for the
Little Chancellor for three hours a day. A ritual I have kept to this
day, except I go to rallies. I wish the Little Chancellor could have
taught me to pray–as he did every morning. My Struggle (Mein Kampf)
is a five star book.
28. ON POLITICS
In just the way we’re drawn to verse and paltry rhymes
We pick our ideology to suit The Times.
29. GAG RULES: THE PERIODIC TABLE OF HUMOR
IA: THE LOW GROUP.
1. Hydrogen: Scatology.
3. Lithium: The behavior of the mentally ill; mutes, stutterers, and idiots.
11. Sodium: Profanity.
19. Potassium: Bodily infirmities; the physically handicapped.
37. Rubidium: The behavior of the unsophisticated and the fool.
55. Cesium: Tales of stupid criminals.
87. Francium: Tales of stupid foreigners.
IIA: THE INERT GROUP
4. Beryllium: The foolishness of young whippersnappers and the lower orders.
12. Magnesium: Jokes about the mother-in-law.
20. Calcium: Amusing anecdotes.
38. Strontium: Golf jokes.
56. Barium: After-dinner speeches.
88. Radium: Toasts and Roasts.
IIIB: THE SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS GROUP.
21. Scandium: Gossip.
39. Yttrium: Malicious falsehoods.
57. Lanthium: Folklore.
89. Actinium: Urban legends.
IVB: THE AGGRESSIVE GROUP
22. Titanium: Shaggy dog stories.
40. Zirconium: Defiance of authority.
72. Hafnium: Mocking family and societal conventions.
104: Rutherfordium: Mocking God.
VB: THE Â WORDPLAY GROUP.
23. Vanadium: Puns.
41. Niobium: Jokes and Riddles.
73. Tantalium: Oxymorons.
105. Dubnium: Paradoxes and conundrums.
VIB: THE ANTIC GROUP.
24. Chromium: Barnyard humor.
42. Molybdenum: Wise animals; fables.
74: Tungsten: Tongue-twisters.
106: Seaborgium: “Pull my finger”.
VIIB: THE SOPHISTICATED GROUP
25. Manganese: Limericks.
43. Technetium: Light and bawdy verse.
75. Rhenium: Horatian satire.
107: Bohrium: Juvenalian satire.
VIIIB: THE DIRTY GROUP.
26. Iron: Masturbation
27. Cobalt: Married sex.
28. Nickel: Pre-marital sex, adultery and illicit sex.
44: Ruthenium: Circumcision.
45. Rhodium: Castration.
46. Palladium: Small penis.
76. Osmium: Overlarge vagina.
77. Iridium: Vagina Dentata.
78. Platinum: Sexually transmitted diseases.
108. Hassium: Cunnilingus.
109: Meitnerium: Fellatio.
110: Ununnilium: Analingus.
IB: THE MOCKING GROUP
29. Copper: Simple irony.
47. Silver: Sardonic irony and ridicule (“You can shit in one hand and
wish in the other!”).
79. Gold: Parody.
111. Unununium: Travesty.
IIB: THE HUMAN CONDITION GROUP
30. Zinc: Jokes about children.
48. Cadmium: Jokes about men.
80. Mercury: Jokes about women.
112. Ununbium: Jokes about old age and death.
IIIA: THE XENOPHOBIC GROUP.
5. Boron: Jokes about fools.
13. Aluminum: Moron jokes.
31. Gallium: Sick humor.
49. Indium: Ethnic Humor.
81. Thallium: Racist humor.
113: Unnamed: Paedophilic humor.
IVA: THE TRICKSTER GROUP
6. Carbon: The trickster tricked.
14. Silicon: The ‘Dumb Blonde’ Joke
32. Germanium: ‘Order in the Court’
50. Tin: Con men and swindlers
82. Lead: Bad ideas
114: Ununcabium: Useless inventions
VA: THE MALICIOUS GROUP
7. Nitrogen: Snide remarks.
15. Phosphorus: Insult humor.
33. Arsenic: Poisonous rhetoric.
51. Antimony: Men/women are no damned good.
83. Bismuth: Snappy answers to stupid questions.
115. Unnamed: Poison pen letters and flaming.
VIA: THE OLD STANDBY GROUP
8. Oxygen: Prostitution.
16. Sulfur: Walking Into a Bar.
34. Selenium: Insult contests.
52: Tellurium: Doctors and Lawyers.
84. Polonium: Food-dirtying.
116. Unnamed: Oaths and Curses.
VIIA: THE CONVENTIONAL GROUP
9. Fluorine: The debunking of wild, unfounded conspiracy theories
17. Chlorine: Conventional wisdom
35. Bromine: Proverbs and wise saws.
53. Iodine: Inspirational maxims.
85. Astatine: ‘Inside’ jokes.
117: Unnamed: Running gags.
VIIIA: THE KINEASTHESIC GROUP.
2. Helium: Malicious pranks.
6: Neon: Practical jokes.
18. Argon: General Mockery; sound effects.
36. Krypton: Prejudicial humor, political cartoons.
54. Xenon: Dialect humor, ethnic cartoons.
86. Radon: Racial humor, racist cartoons.
118. Unnamed: ‘Underground’ humor; underground cartoons.
LANTHINIDES: EARTHY HUMOR
58. Cerium: Spit
59. Praseodymium: Phlegm
60. Neodymium: Burps
61. Promethium: Vomit
62. Samarium: Farts
63. Europium: Eye crust
64. Gadolinium: Toe jam
65: Terbium: Dingleberries
66: Dysprosium: Smegma
67. Holmium: Piss
68. Erbium: Shit
69. Thulium: Blood
70. Ytterbium: Menses
71. Luteum: Semen
ACTINIDES: RADIOACTIVE HUMOR
90: Thorium: Misogyny.
91. Protactinium: Frotteurism, voyeurism, paraphilia, and other perversions.
92. Uranium: Masochism.
93. Neptunium: Sadism.
94. Plutonium: Sodomy.
95. Americium: Rape.
96. Curium: Homosexual rape.
97. Berkelium: Incest.
98. Californium: Coprophilia, coprophagia, and golden showers.
99. Einsteinium: Torture.
100. Fermium: Necrophilia.
101: Mendelevium: Sex with animals.
102. Nobelium: Sex with children.
103. Lawrencium: Sex murder.
30. THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC. ARCHIVE: