Aside

THE INFORMATION #766 JANUARY 10, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.–Charles Dickens
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER EIGHT: PART TWENTY-FIVE: THE FALL
During the Eve of the New Year, it was a time of reminiscences and resolutions all through the poor mean inner city of Noxtown–known as Blowtown to its residents, to police, to traveling scavengers and those who could rove no more.
 
During the Eve of the New Year you could see, in the insalubrious faces of the poor, the superstitious anticipation of an improbably satiated futurity.
 
All through the poor mean inner city hard by the Docks and hugging the snow and ice-bedecked shoreline you might see gathered in the Shore Hall Restaurant a roistering band of confidence men out on a spree rubbing shoulders with their lesser brothers, the carny quick change artists; you might discern peddlers of cheap “slum” jewelry standing toe to toe with Lonely Hearts Club fraudsters and Clip Joint proprietors; you might glimpse, gathered as a conglomerate of shysters, the whole tribe of Blowtown’s seedy-looking but nonetheless garishly besuited men who made their way in the world not through honest toil but through such devious means as pigeon drops, insurance fraud, smack games, three-card Monte artistry, sales of altered lottery tickets, and as fake proprietors of “Casting Agencies” and “Photographic Modelling Studios.”
 
The fading year was a banner one for these denizens, and they were celebrating its passing with the lively rowdiness typical of people whose work life involves the embracing as a first principle the iron credo: There Is No Percentage in Wising Up a Sucker.
 

Munching his way through mounds of delicately breaded crabs and fried clams and slurping down baskets of fresh-shucked oysters was none other than the Prince of these rogues, a certain “Count Justin Victor,” also known as “Mr. God Bless Your Day” by his many victims who were only able to positively identify him by his eerie and implausible catch-phrase. He was a large, round man of gentle demeanor with satiny whiskers adorning his chin and cheeks; you might have mistaken him for a callow youth of five-and-twenty were it not for the fact that his face was bloated by his proclivity for his cut-rate vices of bad liquor, fatty food, and cheap cigars. 

 
Into this den of desperadoes gently tiptoed none other than the Reverend John Otis Cross. He was wearing a Shearling coat and sought this evening to travel incognito and therefore to make himself as inconspicuous as possible as he sidled up to the bar and ordered a glass of hot rum toddy (for the day was forgivably chill for the vanity of this class of indulgence).
 
About the Reverend arose a low hub-bub of voices, as when a tribe or wandering band is disturbed in its deliberations by a wanton interloper.
 
“There’s a sucker man.”
“Where.”
“Yonder. There.”
“Looks like a ofay.”
“Does he know where ‘e is?”
“Got it on the earie. Out of towner.”
“Glim his dukes. He’s in the soft rackets, like us.”
“Sky Pilot.”
“God Hollerer.”
“Faith Healer. Mesmerizes with electricity.”
 
A jowly panhandler walked up to him mumbling “Gimme a penny mister,” but halfway to the bar he was tripped by Count Justin Victor, which caused a hearty laugh to arise as though in a single roar from all of those assembled. The Reverend only shuddered slightly, and took another pull at his drink, and tried once again, in vain, to act inconspicuous. But at that time and in that place he stuck out like a dab of white paint on the sleek black feathers of a gutter-fed crow. The swirl of talk about him resumed.
 
“Jesus Pounder.”
“Bible Chucker.”
“Pipe the collar. Fur.”
“Fancy.”
“Don’t care much for the fancy-man, him.”
“Caused a row. Fifth precinct.”
 
A cardsharp dressed in black with a red mustache sidled up to the reverend, took a good look at him, then hurriedly left the Shore Hall.
 
“Red Mary got him in a spat!”
“Red Mary! Whoa! Look out!”
“Devil Dodger beware.”

“She’ll snatch you ball-headed.”

 
A hard-eyed character with a filthy white beard gone yellow around the edges strode over to the bar, stood next to the Reverend, ordered a whiskey, neat; drank it down in one swallow, then slammed the snifter down onto the Mahogany bar and backed off, glowering. The Reverend flinched slightly as the glass struck the wood, but otherwise stood immovable at his post. As though awaiting his Golgotha.
 
“What’s he want here?”
“On the earie for gen.”
“Whuffo?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Hey, ‘One-Eye’–do you know?”
“Don’t know nothing.”
“That’s the God’s honest truth.”
“Gaw Haw Haw!”
 
At the mention of the world God–and on a Sunday no less–the Reverend involuntarily looked up, but, then, seemingly waking to where he was, returned once more to his drink, determined to be unmolested if not utterly ignored. But the citizens of the Shore Hall–derelict and sharpster alike–were not to be mollified by his silent presence; resentment began to percolate; he was queering the pitch for the boys as was only out to have a swell foop on the last day of an eventful year. 
 
“Who’s he thinks he is?”
“Is he is, or is he ain’t?”
“He taint well.”
“How’s that?”
“T’aint welcome there; t’ain’t welcome ‘ere.”
“Jesu!”
Loud raucous laughter.
 

Just then, a shabby, flabby down-at-the-heels Carny Talker walked boldly up to the Reverend John Otis Cross and said How About a Drinky for a Poor Old Man. The Reverend pretended he didn’t hear.

A clatter arose at the front door of the establishment. Distant ringing of sleigh bells. Smart crack of a whip. Loud stomping and noisy blowing of hot breath on frozen hands. And then, there at the bar, stood Smash Conklin.

 
The fantastic Bully of Blowtown screened the room for deadbeats who owed graft money to Adam Tyler or one of his many confederates. Finding none, he glared at The Reverend John Otis Cross as though the man had just insulted his sister. Conklin was a proud man; he couldn’t stand to see his will thwarted; he wasn’t used to people who failed to listen to what he had to say and jump to it; he had absolutely no sense of humor when it came to himself and his many and variegated whims.
 
“What are you doing here, Sir?”  said Conklin.
“I have as much of a right to be here, Sir, as do you.”
“You still don’t know who I am, do you?” 
“No, Sir, I do not.”
“I’m Mr. Conklin. You haven’t heard of me?”
“I’ve heard of you.”
“You haven’t heard of what I can do?”
“Why, certainly, Sir; but I fear no Man, but only God.”
“Don’t you know where you ARE?”
“Why, certainly, but–“
“This is Blowtown. God ain’t here.”
 

This time the Reverend John Otis Cross neither looked at Conklin nor finished his drink, but simply put on his hat, turned, and left the Shore Hall. As though a straining tap had been forced open, there came all at once a gushing of noises: barked laughter, snarls of appreciation, snatches of merry song. Conklin looked down his thrice-broken nose at the assembled celebrants–and he saw that he had done good. For once.

1*SALUTATION
THE KELLYS
LEAVING TENNESSEE
ALSO SEE:
DEVIL’S LITTLE ANGEL
 
2*REFERENCE
 
3*HUMOR
18 BEATLES SONGS THAT JON LENNON TOTALLY HATED
 
4*NOVELTY
SLY & THE FAMILY STONE
IF YOU WANT ME TO STAY
FLINT, MICHIGAN
 
6* DAILY UTILITY THE 124 STATES OF AMERICA
 
ALSO SEE:
DIALECT MAP
 
ALSO SEE:
DICTIONARY OF AMERICAN REGIONAL ENGLISH
 
7*CARTOON
FACEBOOK MISERY INDEX
 
8*PRESCRIPTION
CARL STORY
YOU DON’T LOVE GOD IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR
 
9*RUMOR PATROL
THERE ARE NOW TWO AMERICAS
 
10* LAGNIAPPE
US STATES RENAMED FOR COUNTRIES WITH SIMILAR GDPS
 
11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA EDITING To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research, and to steal punctuation and logic from a manuscript is called “editing”.
 

*11A BOOKS READ AND RATED

ALL-NEW X-MEN 1. ***1/2

ALL NEW X-MEN 2. ***1/2

ALMOST PRESIDENT. FARRIS. ****
ASTONISHING X-MEN 10. ***
ASTONISHING X-MEN 11. ***
AVENGERS ACADEMY: FINAL EXAMS. ***1/2
BATMAN 3: DEATH IN THE FAMILY. ***1/2
BATTLING BOY. POPE. ****
THE BEST OF THE REJECTION COLLECTION. DIFFEE. ***1/2

THE BORGIAS. JOHNSON. ***1/2

FANTASTIC FOUR: NEW DEPARTURES, NEW ARRIVALS. ****
FIRE LOVER. WAMBAUGH. ***1/2
GUNS, GERMS AND STEEL. DIAMOND. ****
HAWKEYE 1. ***1/2
HOUSE. KIDDER. ****
INSIDE THE DREAM PALACE. TIPPINS. ****1/2
ONE SIMPLE IDEA. HOROQITZ. ****1/2
ONE SUMMER. BRYSON. ****
ORGANIZED CRIME IN CHICAGO. LOMBARDO. ****
POISON. MCBAIN. ****

SAMUEL JOHNSON’S INSULTS. ****

SEARCHING FOR THE SEVENTIES. ****

SUPER-GRAPHIC. LEONG. ***
THE WEIRD WORLD OF EERIE PUBLICATIONS. HOWLETT. ***
 
CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE. 724.
A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice or I’ll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out
on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

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MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 183 JANUARY 2014

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 183
JANUARY 2014

Copyright 2014 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

INTRODUCTION: IN THE FUTURE
The future will never again be what it used to be prior to about 1973–a bright era filled with wondrous inventions. No, instead, the consensus appears to be that the future will be at least mildly depressing–that it will bring with it the making manifest of all that is hidden–but that we won’t like it much. In that spirit, this year, THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC almanac offers 365 days worth of future predictions to both thrill, and, possibly, console you.

AND NOW…MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:
THE 2014 MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC

JANUARY
1. In the future, computers will do all the work and the rest of us will be put in protective custody just to keep us out of the way.
2. In the future, salad bars will be nationalized.
3. In the future, the more illusory the enemy, the more ruthlessly he will be hunted down.
4. In the future, virtual fighter pilots will drop logic bombs.
5. In the future, Americans will be known as “Earth Hogs”.
6. In the future, people will worship drugs, alcohol, God, and sitcoms.
7. In the future mental illness will be commodified.
8. In the future, xenophobes will be forced to go back to where they didn’t come from.
9. In the future all forms of art will be called ‘sexual harassment’.
10. In the future, celebrities will be designer myths.
11. In the future, punk rockers will retire and get anti-social security.
12. In the future, females will be flash frozen at the peak of beauty.
13. In the future, dogs will be named “Jesus”.
14. In the future: The Irony Curtain.
15. In the future, companies will employ a full-time Spinmaster General.
16. In the future, weapons will run on solar power.
17. In the future: Organic Junk Food.
18. In the future: Meme Warfare.
19. In the future, the sun will be used as a garbage dump.
20. In the future, we will have years without a winter.
21. In the future, there will be honesty drugs.
22. In the future, people will be celebrated for their ignorance.
23. In the future, the recent past will seem so remote we will no longer understand it.
24. In the future, all zealots will be exiled to Zealot Island.
25. In the future, illusion will be proven to be reality.
26. In the future, the internet will have a Valid Information Portal available only to the elites.
27. In the future, roving Hate Patrols will preemptively arrest people about to commit thought crimes.
28. In the future: Brand Terrorism.
29. In the future, meat eating will be considered pathological and will require support groups for Adult Children of Carnivores.
30. In the future, the sun itself will be weaponized.
31. In the future, hypno-patsies will have their own TV shows.

FEBRUARY
1. In the future, sodas will feature flavors such as sand and dirt.
2. In the future, there will be punishment camps in which people will be forcibly disconnected from the virtual world.
3. In the future, Status will be determined by a democratic process.
4. In the future, holograms will have personalities which make real people seem superficial.
5. In the future, the evidence of the senses will not stand up in a court of virtual law.
6. In the future, psychopharmacological drugs will imbue instant normalcy.
7. In the future, there will be Good Science and Evil Science.
8. In the future, self-immolation, as always, will be the best way to get noticed.
9. In the future, look for HETERO MAGAZINE and WHITE BUSINESS MONTHLY.
10. In the future, beware the Psychic Enemies Network.
11. In the future, the Pope will have official sponsors.
12. In the future there will be a true democracy, and it will be intolerable.
13. In the future, “Have a nice day” will mean “You’re an asshole.”
14. In the future, things will be called cute which are not only not cute at all, but even vaguely horrifying.
15. In the future, “Sir” will mean “Fatso.”
16. In the future, hieroglyphic news blasts will be delivered through word of eye.
17. In the future, there will be a magazine called HIGHLIGHTS FOR ADULTS.
18. In the future, we will enlist fungal allies in our war against the insect world.
19. In the future, our mythology will consist of tales of how all the myths came to be commodified.
20. In the future, a breakaway sect will worship Judas.
21. In the future, a breakaway sect will worship Ringo.
22. In the future, protest will take place under oxymoronic banners.
23. In the future, there will be no boundaries of acceptable opinion–at least, among the elites.
24. In the future, the Military Industrial Complex will be sold as a fun experience for all ages.
25. In the future, financial sanctions will discourage excessive individualism.
26. In the future, ghettos will have names like The Happy Valley.
27. In the future, Darwin, Freud, and Einstein will be thought of as ridiculous.
28. In the future, there will be a blended whiskey named after a woman.

MARCH
1. In the future: Bible Porn.
2. In the future, the religion of Hoboism will briefly sweep the Western World.
3. In the future, roving Advice Squads will offer Street Counseling.
4. In the future, chimps and robots will vote.
5. In the future, machines will complain.
6. In the future, corporations will have their own folklore.
7. In the future, everything will be a special advertising section.
8. In the future, there will be centers for the study of Proletarian Culture.
9. In the future, books will be so bad that the movie will be better than the book.
10. In the future, mass panic will erupt whenever the web goes dark.
11. In the future we will know so much about our mental health that it will drive us crazy.
12. In the future computers, like people, will be deliberately dumbed down.
13. In the future, anything which isn’t funny will be labeled “Satire”.
14. In the future, everybody will have a persecution complex and everybody will be justified.
15. In the future: Two-sided playing cards.
16. In the future, food will have indigestible microchips added to track our eating habits.
17. In the future, gambling will be made compulsory.
18. In the future, pundits will frame controversy as consensus.
19. In the future: Necrotizing Fascismus.
20. In the future, everything we need to know will be in comic books.
21. In the future: Digital Brownshirts.
22. In the future: Nonstop Soft Porn.
23. In the future, Materialism will be disguised as Progressivism.
24. In the future, the unemployed will be put to work creating taxonomies of ephemera.
25. In the future: Progressive Totalitarianism.
26. In the future: Massive Bum Scares.
27. In the future we will venerate fascist vigilantes.
28. In the future, visionaries of the American Shadow Culture will be mainstreamed.
29. In the future, people will act Green while being secretly wasteful.
30. In the future: Cretin Detectors.
31. In the future: Luxury Ghost Towns.

APRIL
1. In the future, the past will be whatever you choose to call it.
2. In the future, pressure groups will be able to plant a Smart Ranter on strategic street corners.
3. In the future, superstitious “natives” will worship plutonium and styrofoam.
4. In the future, whole nations will become a Mecca for Vulgarians.
5. In the future, a Satanic Pope will command enormous respect for her enlightened policies.
6. In the future, Art will be What Doesn’t Sell.
7. In the future, politicians will be protected by an all-purpose insanity plea.
8. In the future, the President will also be known as Brother Number One.
9. In the future, BC will refer to the era Before Computers.
10. In the future, inappropriate cultural dogmas will become clandestine cults.
11. In the future. our pets will be neural clones of us.
12. In the future, there will be a booming business in Geek Profiling.
13. In the future: Robot Biographies.
14. In the future there will be a science of paleo-psychiatry.
15. In the future the Boomerabilia craze will threaten to overwhelm the collectibles industry.
16. In the future, most novels will be 50 pages long.
17. In the future, dot commissars will control vast stretches of cyber-territory.
18. In the future, cyber infrastructure will be menaced by throwback code.
19. In the future, Europeans will be regarded as naive.
20. In the future, an opera will be written about the menace of space junk.
21. In the future, all cartoons will be political cartoons.
22. In the future, dysfunctional sprawltown will be replaced by ghetto archipelagos.
23. In the future, cyber-currency trading will fluctuate with sunspot activity.
24. In the future, sunspot activity will be manipulated in order to rig cyber-currency trading.
25. In the future, a telephone company will be its own independent nation.
26. In the future: canals on Mars; Railroads on the Moon.
27. In the future, wordless books will enjoy an extended vogue.
28. In the future, outsized fedoras will be inexplicably fashionable.
29. In the future, people will become victims of lifestyle rage.
30. In the future, people will continue to admire their oppressors.

MAY
1. In the future: Gourmet Baby Food.
2. In the future, there will be an Indian on the twenty-dollar bill.
3. In the future, people will suffer from Data Shock.
4. In the future: Comedy Gulags!
5. In the future, immortality will be used as a punishment rather than an incentive.
6. In the future: Coming Gender Armageddon.
7. In the future, prisoners will be segregated by I.Q.
8. In the future, female police officers will be known as “Pink Fuzz”.
9. In the future, working class habits and mores will be widely emulated.
10. In the future, Bugs Bunny cartoons will be banned as obscene.
11. In the future, justice will be a luxury.
12. In the future, every political talk show will have a designated dissident.
13. In the future, tradition will be subject to constant change.
14. In the future: Soy Babies.
15. In the future poverty will trickle up.
16. In the future, optical illusions will lead people calmly to their destiny.
17. In the future: Poetry Machines.
18. In the future, carpenters will be celebrities.
19. In the future: One Car, One Vote.
20. In the future, experts will tell us what to think before we even think it.
21. In the future: The Church of Friday.
22. In the future, wonders will cease.
23. In the future, complete honesty will be outlawed.
24. In the future, the cloud will know everything about you, including your most loathsome secrets.
25. In the future: Fur Pimps.
26. In the future candor will be the only unacceptable guile.
27. In the future, slaves will be proud of their servitude.
28. In the Future: Beware the Smiley Gang.
29. In the Future: Reluctant Celebrities.
30. In the future there will be mystery novels set in the stone age.
31. In the future, Cybertage will be punishable by death.

JUNE
1. In the future, teenage vandals will perpetrate data mischief.
2. In the future the common people will exist in a terrifying wasteland between ignorance and hysteria.
3. In the future, smirking consumer braggarts will serve as role models.
4. In the future, there will be sitcoms about the antics of the very poor.
5. In the future, we will experience the new past.
6. In the future, areas lacking in broadband coverage will be known as cyber ghettos.
7. In the future: White Comfort Food.
8. In the future, toxic desserts will carry government advisories.
9. In the future, kleptocratic shell states run by murderous warlords will be the norm.
10. In the future, media robots will program all information feeds.
11. In the future: Fear the Coming of The Superclown.
12. In the future: The Invention of the Irony Pill.
13. In the future: Hobos with rocket sleds.
14. In the future: Soul Viruses.
15. In the future, media consumers will be treated for charisma fatigue.
16. In the future, there will be new ways to go completely insane.
17. In the future, the present will be more futury and the past will be less pasty.
18. In the future, God will be described as a large scale quantum effect.
19. In the future, we will all be dominated by gentle market totalitarianism.
20. In the future, people will be ranked according to categories based on psychological vulnerabilities.
21. In the future will we all exist solely within a matrix of living thought.
22. In the future, anonymity will be more highly prized than celebrity.
23. In the future, colleges will offer courses on human herd management.
24. In the future, free will shall be proven to be an obstinate illusion.
25. In the future, pasties will cover all but three areas of the female body.
26. In the future, sports partisanship will be compulsory.
27. In the future we must all Obey Robot Wisdom.
28. In the future, “No Irony” will be a literary category.
29. In the future, there will be a gang of bohemians known as The Art Bullies.
30. In the future, hallucinogenic Crazy Bread will be sold openly in the streets.

JULY
1. In the future, males will be flash frozen at the peak of potency.
2. In the future, the earth will be an interplanetary pariah.
3. In the future, politicians will be no style and no substance.
4. In the future, meat will be grown in flesh gardens.
5. In the future there will be a utopia for nihilists.
6. In the future, soldiers will be accused of peace crimes.
7. In the future, minorities will fail to benefit from affirmative inaction.
8. In the future, people will be branded with the Mark of Disney, without which they can neither buy nor sell.
9. In the future, rat poison will be advertised as Not Tested on Animals.
10. In the future, preachers will use profanity in their sermons.
11. In the future, entire novels will be written using Intelligent Phrase Filters.
12. In the future, an apocalyptic sect will link the end of the world to the end of the minting of pennies.
13. In the future, plays will be advertised as being “Just like the movies only better because they’re real.”
14. In the future, Jesus will be used as an ad symbol.
15. In the future, anti-politicians will have negative charisma.
16. In the future: Situationist Comedy.
17. In the future, the late 20th Century will be known as the Pre-Postmodern Era.
18. In the future, there will be a prominent politician named Liberty Smith.
19. In the future, Yes will mean No and No will mean Yes.
20. In the future, the Sins of the Grandfathers will also be visited upon the Sons.
21. In the future, people will be encouraged to take a fearful amoral inventory of their lives.
22. In the future: Supermax High Schools.
23. In the future, members of the underclass will be indoctrinated in a perverse mythology perpetually epitomizing deviancy.
24. In the future, technology will metastacize.
25. In the future, people will be psychically challenged.
26. In the future, people will mix psychotropic drugs to produce custom-made results.
27. In the future, Buyer’s Remorse will be listed in the DSM.
28. In the future, nothing will be unprintable, but no one will read.
29. In the future, War will be replaced by an indefinite state on non-peace.
30. In the future, in the spirit of planned obsolescence, there will be oxymoronic professions.
31. In the future: The Anti-Disney Movement.

AUGUST
1. In the future, the President will be a fictional character.
2. In the future, mystic intellectuals will provide Mindful Entertainment.
3. In the future, artists will work more on memory than imagination.
4. In the future, the Tedium will be the Message.
5. In the future, cultural conditioning will be allowed as an insanity defense.
6. In the future, television programming will be beamed directly to the reptilian brain.
7. In the future, Prole Models will captivate the nation’s impressionable Youth.
8. In the future, people will seek to escape into the Ordinary.
9. In the future, it will be fashionable to be conspicuous for not spending money.
10. In the future, “Me and Other People Like Me” will be a recognized racial category.
11. In the future: Peanut Soda.
12. In the future, men will be taught to worship “The Composite Master of Infinite Time and Space.”
13. In the future, silence will be noisy.
14. In the future, stores will market a Hunger Mix.
15. In the future, Pre-Traumatic Happiness Syndrome will be a category in the DSM.
16. In the future, there will be a drug which will enable us to script our dreams.
17. In the future, Psychiatrists will market a Sanity Compass.
18. In the future: beware the Comedy Slam.
19. In the future, the Virtual World will celebrate a Reality Week.
20. In the future, we will all be dependent on the National Entertainment State.
21. In the future: Anti-Advertising.
22. In the future, the world of comedy will be dominated by slobbering bohunks.
23. In the future, art will be replaced by Art-Based Product.
24. In the future, there will be a television show devoted to Outrageous Lies.
25. In the future, we will line up our scapegoats in advance and keep them ready.
26. In the future, there will also be beautiful stereotypes.
27. In the future, heroin smoke will be pumped into gambling casinos.
28. In the future, sports will be a religion.
29. In the future, people will be able to shop at The Revenge Store.
30. In the future: Consumerismo.
31. In the future, Rome will elect a wisecracking Pontiff

SEPTEMBER
1. In the future, art films will mostly concern themselves with the voguish obsessions of the fast-vanishing bourgeoisie.
2. In the future there will be a whole new class: The Poorgeoisie.
3. In the future, the borders between history and myth will become permanently blurred.
4. In the future, much comedy will be generated from the absurd beliefs of naive Americans.
5. In the future, elites will be hooked into The Alpha Feed.
6. In the future, ammunition will be certified as Green.
7. In the future, the marketplace will sell Authentic Replicas.
8. In the future, our clones will be Better Versions of Ourselves.
9. In the future, the CIA will go in for Nation Busting.
10. In the future, there will be an Oz film exclusively about the Flying Monkeys.
11. In the future, black lipstick will be outlawed.
12. In the future, there will be a great deal of talk about The Former United States.
13. In the future, NYC will be known as The Velvet Sewer.
14. In the future, young people will bore old people with interminable stories about how healthy they are.
15. In the future, comic strips will be replaced by hieroglyphics.
16. In the future, there will be drugs which replicate the feeling of falling in love.
17. In the future, a University will endow a Chair of Mundane Studies.
18. In the future, the Pope will name a Patron Saint of Television.
19. In the future, The Tragedy Brothers will be the hottest act in Vegas.
20. In the future, total silence will be a rare luxury.
21. In the future, there will be angry robots.
22. In the future, children will worship a character known as “Sir Brat.”
23. In the future, there will be a popular cartoon called “Katzenstein and Dogula”.
24. In the future, revolutionary robots will issue The Android Manifesto.
25. In the future, there will be seven states: ATL, EST, CST, MST, PST, ALA, and HAW.
26. In the future, virtual real estate will be owned by Absentee Thoughtlords.
27. In the future, “Arty” will mean “Dirty” and “Smart” will mean “Dull.”
28. In the future, there will be over a million channels, and not one will be worth watching.
29. In the future: Fascist Theme Parks.
30. In the future, an artist named Johnny Alcatraz will be a singing sensation.

OCTOBER
1. In the future, Rock and Roll, Jesus, and Frankenstein will never die.
2. In the future, there will be a new and improved version of an old sport called Crazy Golf.
3. In the future, old folks will be encouraged to visit “The Black Angel’s Chamber of Fun & Death”.
4. In the future: Survival of the Cutest.
5. In the future: Designated Free Speech Areas.
6. In the future, Historians will speak of Occidental Despotism.
7. In the future there will be Hymns to Tyranny.
8. In the future, Humanity will be led to happiness with an iron fist.
9. In the future, the government will use rain to keep people off the streets.
10. In the future, the industrial world will be regarded as an arcadia.
11. In the future, the most successful artists will exploit the cutting edge of nostalgia.
12. In the future, the wretched majority will never rise up.
13. In the future: Designated Slavezones.
14. In the future: Proletarian Utopias.
15. In the future, the honest will be doomed.
16. In the future: Robust Fatalism.
17. In the future: The Rise of the Incoherent State.
18. In the future, the most pressing and real concerns of the young will be regarded as trivial.
19. In the future, Trivia Vigilantes will patrol the web to combat thoughtcrime.
20. In the future, a talent to amuse will be mistaken for an ability to inform.
21. In the future, broken promises will be taken for granted.
22. In the future, surfaces will be declared to carry their own profundity.
23. In the future, Professors will pontificate beneath a carapace of postmodern knowingness. And will still be regarded as ridiculous.
24. In the future, politics will be seen as a shabby conspiracy among money-hustlers. But nobody will care.
25. In the future, aesthetics will be militarized.
26. In the future, heroes will be expensive and gods will be cheap.
27. In the future, rich men will hire Trophy Brains.
28. In the future, the internet will be a pimp machine for commodity fetishism.
29. In the future, imaginary worlds will be more realistically equipped than the real world.
30. In the future: Playboy Monks.
31. In the future, people will dress in costumes all the time, except for special occasions in which they adopt conventional garb.

NOVEMBER
1. In the future, we will all be secure beneath the watchful eyes of men and women who only want to protect us from ourselves.
2. In the future, there will be an etiquette for the burning of books of etiquette.
3. In the future, all controversies will be contrived as advertising gimmicks or other, more sinister propaganda.
4. In the future, there will be Pseudodelic Music.
5. In the future, short stories will be about what people talk about when they talk about nothing.
6. In the future, people who express themselves in polysyllables will be speaking a language which is foreign to the great mass of men.
7. In the future, fast food will be a robot’s idea of home cooking.
8. In the future, people will suffer from a condition known as Emotional Septicaemia.
9. In the future, there will be histrionics on a mass scale and an incessant inflation of the modes of expression.
10. In the future, Facebook will be known as Post-Id Notes.
11. In the future, we will be afflicted by propaganda machines which paint the heartland in a bad light.
12. In the future, talk show hosts will display an instant and constant capacity for indignation and urgency.
13. In the future, Niagra Falls will be renamed Viagra Falls.
14. In the future, politics will be uglier than ever.
15. In the future, pundits will display an array of petit-bourgeois prejudices.
16. In the future, college students will be indoctrinated in hierarchically approved notions of ambition.
17. In the future, American foreign policy will be ruled by wise guy unilateralism.
18. In the future: A New Customized Consumer Proletariat.
19. In the future, there will be a near-total absence of skepticism.
20. In the future, people will be healthy even if it kills them.
21. In the future, there will be a special interest group called The Whores of Peace.
22. In the future, roving bands of pro-meat partisans will go around terrorizing vegetarians.
23. In the future, misery pills will be prescribed for people on tranquilizers who want to feel normal.
24. In the future: A show called “Celebrity Troublemakers”.
25. In the future: Perp Schools for the Criminal Classes.
26. In the future the United States will be known as Empire Lite.
27. In the future: Generic Book Reviews.
28. In the future: More Miserables.
29. In the future, humans will have robot emotions.
30. In the future, there will be politically correct liquor stores.

DECEMBER
1. In the future: Homeopathic Placebos.
2. In the future: The Church of Dracula.
3. In the future, the West will be afflicted by penitential narcissism.
4. In the future there will be a book called “The One Minute Millionaire.”
5. In the future, geniuses will be useless.
6. In the future: A Low-Intensity Police State.
7. In the future, the internet will be the Beast with the Billion Eyes.
8. In the future, politicians will be expected to answer serious questions with wisecracks.
9. In the future, Democracy will be defined downward.
10. In the future, robots will have lawyers.
11. In the future, news reports will be geared around culturally dominant assumptions.
12. In the future, babies will be overscheduled.
13. In the future: Dostoyevskyland.
14. In the future: Theremin-Mania!
15. In the future, there will be a television show called “Wisecracks ‘n’ Stunts.”
16. In the future, Dark Ages to the Left of Us; Dark Ages to the Right.
17. In the future, narrowed expectations will be ubiquitous.
18. In the future there will be a post-truth society.
19. In the future, terrorism will be committed by mad agents of the bourgeoisie.
20. In the future there will be new Deadly Sins.
21. In the future, the exchange of all information will take place inside a closed loop of propaganda.
22. In the future, this era will be known as The Disinformation Age.
23. In the future, it will be believed that Hitler won World War II.
24. In the future, Pundits will declare that Frosty the Snowman is White.
25. In the future: Boom! Atomic Christmas!
26. In the future: Virtual Nations.
27. In the future, people will be penalized for reincarnating without government permission.
28. In the future, we will celebrate nonexistent victories over evanescent foes.
29. In the future, elderly people will shop at “The Death Store” where they will be able to purchase items such as “Now I Can Die Happy Chairs.”
30. In the future: Feral Consumerism.
31. In the future, Terms and Conditions Will No Longer Apply.

THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC. ARCHIVE:
2007: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977004217
2008: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977221496
2009: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977565421
2010: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977969402
2011: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978851374
2012: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980950364
2013: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474981829985

THE INFORMATION #765 JANUARY 3, 2014

THE INFORMATION
#765 JANUARY 3, 2014
Copyright 2014 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. –Charles Dickens

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER EIGHT: PART TWENTY-FOUR: THE FALL

During the festive and hopeful Christmas season, all through Noxtown and its even poorer and meaner inner streets, known as Blowtown, you could see, in the faces of the poor, the profound disappointment in their slackjawed countenances; the incredible delicacy and the indelible credulousness of their thwarted ambitions and their blasted dreams.

These dreams you could almost touch and taste; as from every warren and burrow and cold-water flat impoverished denizens emerged to wash down the snowlined streets, and from every flatbed car in the railroad yards and every tramp steamer from the forlorn grey docks and from every nearby and faraway frozen harvest field they fled to converge upon those neighborhoods and their low estates–the fantastic Black Hole of the innermost city, also known as The Devil’s Acre, in which there were dozens of wooden structures housing single-story saloons from which, at all hours, men and even boys no older than ten emerged sobbing and snarling drunk; two-story storefronts housing illicit gambling parlors; manorial red-lit three-story Houses of Ill Repute; and cellar dives in which opium smokers and powder-sniffers and hasheesh-eaters and absinthe fiends and other abandoned and profligate wretches wasted away their short and often consumptive lives.

As, all through the shops Uptown, small boys in Faunterloy suits were dragged whining past shop windows furiously alive with magical displays of model trains and Golemesque Santas in full red-suited and black belted regalia and trees ablaze with dozens of lighted candles and dozens upon dozens of  the onion-shaped lights and delicate glass balls and elaborately carved wooden ornaments then fashionable, deep in the trackless wastes of barren Blowtown cold crumbling red bricks of decaying tenements met the hungry and angry eyes of the newly-arrived ragged and shoeless beggars and accompanying rabble who always portended trouble during this solstice season.

A brief trip down the half-snow-covered sidewalks of Blowtown, made by the Reverend John Otis Cross, a prosperous Ministerial Gent warmly wrapped in a fur-lined mantle who mistakenly elected to take the air,for a fact-finding tour in broad daylight. on a day balmy for December, doubtless revealed the following spectacles and flashes of superb vulgarity.

A jowly panhandler with rheumy red eyes desperately mumbling out his pleas for small coins–You Know You Got a Penny Mister; You Know You Got a Penny; Gimme a Penny, You Know You Got It To Spare.

A down-at-the-bootheels beaver-hatted cardsharp dressed in black with a florid red mustache, with his three-card game set up upon a portable table, urging the gullible: Try Your Luck Try Your Luck; You Can’t Win If You Don’t Play; Fortune Favors the Brave; Try Your Luck; Don’t Be Afraid.

A hard-looking character with a false white beard dressed in festive red with white fur trim ringing a cracked bell in front of small battered kettle hanging from jury-rigged wooden tripod, purporting to be a representative of a great charitable organization.

A disgruntled wine-mad hobo dressed in a battered derby hat and an overlarge clean white linen shirt recently cadged from an unguarded clothesline, burning his sandwich board out of sheer insane cussedness, laughing while the flames licked red around the stylized white script recommending that the passerby should Eat at Joe’s.

A fatalistic derelict with wild white hair and a dense growth of black beard desperately scratching at fantastic fleas imaginary or real, slouched in front of a five-cent flop house with his battered Fedora hoping to cadge a few pennies to be used toward a bottle, if not the night’s lodging, the temperature being moderate with only intermittent chill blasts from the arctic north.   

A shivering and dispossessed Carny Talker lurking outside of that miserable Shanty known as the Seven Stars Tavern with his palms extended, stepping up and blocking the passway and saying Gimme a Nickel For a Pigfoot  I Was There on San Juan Hill  How About a Drinky for a Poor Old Man.

And through these wasted streets also strode the fantastic Bully of Blowtown, none other than Smash Conklin, who, although undeputized, had as his job the corralling of these fantastic travesties of neighborhood eccentrics. As was his wont, he treated each of them according to what the Ward Boss, Adam Tyler, regarded as their just desserts. Conkin was only in it for the main chance; he was a manipulator who had charm but who was also prone to telling fantastic lies, inflating his own importance; completely guileful and unscrupulous; utterly without shame or guilt; with no respect for decency or tender human feelings; forever in need, like some feckless roving shark, for either lashing out at or cooly surveying his ostensible prey. He lived by his own Code, which could be described as What’s In It For Me And The Men As Pays Me? As so it was that Smash Conklin cut a wide swath through the less-than-festive residents of Blowtown who lingered on the streets in fading hope of some profit.

The jowly panhandler got a smack in the ribs and the breadbasket, good and hard, and was told to Peddle Your Papers Elsewhere. (Dozens of pennies flew from his pockets, and he was not afraid to gather in each and every one of them while Conklin glared down at him like some proprietary Moloch.)

Conklin next sidled up to the beaver-hatted cardsharp and shook him down for a double-saw and gently advised him to set up shop on some other street corner within far walking distance, if he knew what was good for him. (Instead, the cardsharp, divested of a quarter of his day’s profits, elected to retire instead to his top-story room in The John Raines Hotel, one of the city’s once genteel but now shabby grand residences for traveling salesmen and other transients.)

The fake Santa Claus was shaken down for a sawbuck and permitted to continue to ring his cracked bell and cry out in his cracked voice for alms for the poor. (Meaning, of course, himself.)

The wine-mad hobo took one gimlet look at Conklin and fled, leaving his smoldering sandwich board behind him. (He was last seen hopping a fast freight to Gibsonia and points west.)

The fatalistic derelict slumped down in his doorway and feigned deafness as Conklin kicked at him repeatedly. Standing nearby, John Otis Cross watched him in wonder and dismay.

The two of them–Smash Conklin and The Reverend Cross–were bound to collide, and they did; in front of the Seven Stars Tavern. The Carny talker who was standing there took one look at Uglyface, whom he knew well, and made himself mighty scarce. Leaving Reverend Cross alone to face him.

“Who are you?” said Conklin.
“The Reverend John Otis Cross.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“No, Sir, I do not.”
“I’m Mr. Conklin. I am an associate of Alderman Tyler, and I’ve been sent down here by him specifically to look after you.”
“I appreciate the offer, but–“
“Do you know who I AM?”
“Why, certainly, Sir; you just told me; but–“
“Do you know where you ARE?”
“Why, certainly, but–“
“This is my back yard. This is Blowtown. Alderman Tyler says you got no business here. Now, Blow.”

One look at Conklin’s leering, scarred face was enough to convince the good Reverend that discretion was, in this of all cases, the better part of valor, and so he hailed a passing Hanson Cab and directed the driver to a swell Uptown Hotel, and so passed out of Blowtown–and, for the most part, out of our story. 
http://www.thenoiseboard.com/index.php?showtopic=218311&st=50

1*SALUTATION
CHARLES LAMB
“Tender Effusions of Laxative Woodcocks”
http://books.google.com/books?id=SyA4AAAAYAAJ&pg=PA86&lpg=PA86&dq=%22Tender+Effusions+of+Laxative+Woodcocks%22&source=bl&ots=OsgrRlJKfS&sig=odcGSpNUgdJ5KzXKzw2eGOdiDvk&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ztuoUofIHIafqAHDl4GoCQ&ved=0CDUQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22Tender%20Effusions%20of%20Laxative%20Woodcocks%22&f=false

2*REFERENCE
BUREAU OF CONSUMER FINANCIAL PROTECTION
http://www.treasury.gov/initiatives/Pages/cfpb.aspx

ALSO SEE:
CONSUMER FINANCIAL PROTECTION BUREAU
http://www.consumerfinance.gov/

ALSO SEE:
WHICH INDUSTRY FUNDS YOUR STATE’S POLITICIANS?
http://front.moveon.org/which-industry-funds-your-states-politicians/#.Urm9zrSzLSY

3*HUMOR
THE HOBO HERO (1935)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXaMV0uT48I

4*NOVELTY
TEN WORDS YOU CAN SAY IN PUBLIC BUT PROBABLY SHOULDN’T
http://www.buzzfeed.com/h2/fbsp/hasbrogamenight/10-words-you-can-say-in-public-but-probably-shouldnt

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
THE ETON SCHOLARSHIP QUESTION
http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2013/05/eton-scholarship-question-how-british-elite-are-trained-think

6* DAILY UTILITY
THE WORLD OF HIDDEN EMOTIONS
Ridiculous: foolish, silly, funny, etc.; Alienated: rejected, dumped, deserted, etc.; Uncomfortable: restless, tense, anxious, etc.; Confused: blank, empty, hollow, etc.; Hurt: offended, upset, wounded, etc.; Inadequate: powerless, weak, insecure, etc.
http://disinfo.com/2013/12/world-hidden-emotions/

7*CARTOON
MICKEY’S INFERNO
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111227092331/paperpedia/it/images/b/b9/Inferno_di_Topolino.1.pdf

8*PRESCRIPTION
WHAT READER SPECIES ARE YOU?
http://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2013/07/19/what-reader-species-are-you/

9*RUMOR PATROL
CRICKETS SINGING SLOWED DOWN SOUNDS LIKE A HUMAN CHOIR
http://disinfo.com/2013/11/crickets-singing-slowed-sounds-like-human-choir/

10* LAGNIAPPE
DMT
http://disinfo.com/2013/12/dmt-use-skyrockets-among-american-users/

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE. 723.
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
In the future, Pundits will make a passionate case that Frosty the Snowman is White.

THE INFORMATION #764 DECEMBER 27, 2013

THE INFORMATION
#764 DECEMBER 27, 2013
Copyright 2013 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. –Mark Twain

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER EIGHT: PART TWENTY-FOUR: THE FALL

How the Reverend John Otis Cross came to work fist in glove with two of the most pitiful rogues there ever was–Alderman Adam Tyler and Judge Rance Sniffle–is an interestin’ story.

The one who was mixed up in this most was Alderman Adam Tyler. At one time he was a good-looker and made all the ladies swoon with his yaller eyebrows and his yaller mustache and his spats and his cane and his oh-so-Dandy way of carrying himself, but as of late he had gained weight and become a bloated tub of lard with an unhealthy yaller complexion and thinning hair.

Alderman Tyler was very much a man who went looking for, and always found, the main chance.

You should of seen the way he collected graft from every likely business establishment in Noxtown. The bar-man at the Seven Stars would hand him a twenty–a week’s wages for an average workingman. The Cigar Store Man who kept a secret gambling den never gave him less than a hundred dollars a month; the massage parlor as was a front for prostitution also gave him a hundred; and the candy store where they peddled reefers and other dope to schoolkids gave him fifty. Because all were fair game for Tyler’s “collection service.”

Nor was Tyler too proud to “take it out in trade.” The old cobbler would mend his shoes for free. The man with the fruit stand would put aside a half dozen of his best oranges for the old rogue. Even the little shoeshine boy would pop his rag gratis over the sleek blonde devil’s pointy-toed loafers.

And so it was that after the Reverend John Otis Cross–and who knew where he came from or what church that rogue claimed to be a part of?–gave his fire-eating speech, Adam Tyler ups to him and says, “That was some mighty fine preaching there, Rev’rund, best I’ve heerd in these parts on a Coon’s age, and I must say as Alderman of this district, I couldn’t agree more with what you said.”

Y’see, he figured he’d give this troublesome pastor a soft line of soap–some patter– tommyrot and lobscouse, and dandy-funk, and soup-and-bullion–and the Holy Joe would fall into line and eat it all right up, yum. Which is more or less what happened.
Later on, after the newspaper article appeared, Tyler got together with Judge Rance Sniffle in the back room of Feist’s Cigar Store. I just happened to be privy to their palaver, which happened to take place on a Saturday night. “We is got to do something,” said Judge Rance Sniffle, “about that meddling Rev Runt. Hack, kumpf. Who will rid us,” he said magniloquently, “of this turbulent priest?”

“Give the Yob enough rope,” says Tyler, “Give him enough rope and he will assuredly hang himself.”

“Hack, kumpf,” says the Judge. “Well and good, my friend, well and good, but a bad egg like that can upset the whole apple cart. The newspapers in this town–” and he stopped and looked around, as though he expected to see a reporter lurking in the arras–“The newspapers in this town are mostly solid, but that Chronicker rag is desperate to steal a march on the competition, and doesn’t much care what they print, and I haven’t really found a way to get to them, because the crazy new owner is a bald-headed old goat who must come from money because he doesn’t care that the City has yanked all its ads from his lousy birdcage-liner.”
“I’ve seen the likes of his kind. Pretty soon he’ll get bored with his petty little vice crusade. In the meantime, we can help matters along by killing the Reverend.”

“Hack, kumpf,” says the Judge, “Just a minute. I–“

“Killing him…with kindness. The Child of God is not a very worldly man. S’matter of fact, I think he’s a bit off his nut. You know–coo-coo in the head. Queer. Bats in the belfry. I think that all he needs is some tender loving care and very soon he might be induced to come around to our way of thinking.”

“Hack, kumpf,” says the Judge. “Do you think it’s wise to tamper with this, this pestiferous paladin?”

“Listen, Judge, the plan is simple and it’s foolproof too. Give that runty Reverend a taste of the red light district is what I think. Let him see just what kind of a sink of iniquity it really is. I’ve seen this type before. College-edjucated. Thinks he knows it all.Thinks he shits chocolate ice cream. A prig, a blowhard, a smart-aleck and a miserable little frightened man who thinks he’s a dern sight better than me and thee.”

“Hack, kumpf,” says the Judge. “What’s in it for us?”

“There’s a consideration, ain’t it?” said Tyler. “Well, first off, he’ll be obligated to me for this tour of hell. Second off, the sanctimonious son of a bitch is a dead cert to take it into his damn fool noggin to go off on his own head of steam and sample the night-life for his own self. He might even make a crusadin’ fool of hisself by barging into the fleshpots and attempting to turn one of the girls. Wouldn’t that be rich!  And wouldn’t just serve him right, too–if he got caught in the toils of his own wide net. I’m telling you, the sap is an idjit–as simpleminded as a child. Gulling that sucker would about as easy as knockin’ a sick baby off’n the piss-pot.”

And so it was that somehow, between the two of the rogues, they contrived to give the good Reverend Cross a tour of all the vice districts so the innocent Sky Pilot could see for hisself the awful depredations visited nightly upon innocent menfolk by the Scarlet Women of Noxtown.

The gen was to set up the Rev with a harlot he couldn’t shake off. They knowed the rozzers would never say Boo to the Vice Racket because they stood to profit from every fish and finger pie. They figured they’d catch the Rev in flagrante delicto and then blackmail and embarrass him into leaving town–the old Badger Game.

But it backfired because the Rev was a not as dumb as he looked. I’m thinking he must of been a bit of a rogue his own self who wasn’t born yesterday and so the Rev was maybe wise to that gaff and accused Sweet Molly of solicitin.’  Which was when all the fuss with Tyler and Red Mary and the police sergeant came about.

And that’s when my sorrows truly began.
http://www.thenoiseboard.com/index.php?showtopic=218311&st=50

1*SALUTATION
ARETHA FRANKLIN
SKYLARK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHYDafTrpMU

2*REFERENCE
MAP OF SEVEN DEADLY SINS IN AMERICA
http://memolition.com/2013/12/12/maps-of-seven-deadly-sins-in-america/

3*HUMOR
ROBO THESPIAN
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/12/a-robot-walks-into-a-bar.html?utm_source=tny&utm_campaign=generalsocial&utm_medium=facebook

4*NOVELTY
BEATNIK SLANG
http://mentalfloss.com/article/12540/26-beatnik-slang-words-and-phrases-we-should-all-start-using

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
CONCENTRATION OF AMERICAN WEALTH
http://www.theatlanticcities.com/jobs-and-economy/2013/12/staggering-concentrated-wealth-americas-northeast-corridor/7872/

6* DAILY UTILITY
ONLINE ETYMOLOGY DICTIONARY
http://etymonline.com/

7*CARTOON
EXIT MAGAZINE
http://www.exitmagazine.net/index.php

8*PRESCRIPTION
WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE TO A SOCIAL NETWORK
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/12/infographic-what-you-look-like-to-a-social-network.html?utm_source=tny&utm_campaign=generalsocial&utm_medium=facebook

9*RUMOR PATROL
POLICE LOG
What was the creepy snowman doing so close to the house? Looking for the finest life he could find.
http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.com/2013/12/police-log-hilarious-crimes-of-small.html

10* LAGNIAPPE
THE HIDDEN RHYTHM OF EVOLUTION
http://disinfo.com/2013/12/bye-bye-darwin-hidden-rhythm-evolution/

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
BERT SKIPNY TELLS IT LIKE IT IS

I love me some TV, it’s a lot like America
So loud and full of brass and buy now
Pay later, or never at all. We’re paying now.
We adore images, we like the spectacle
Of speed and size, the working of prodigious
Systems. So on television we watched

That terrible indebtedness, hanging over us
Like a dull roar of riot police
Dispersing the riff raff from the premises.
The terrible spectacle, repetitiously gazing
Until we were sick not only of the sight
Of our prodigious systems turned against us

But hey presto! Guess what! We are the riff raff
And next time it’ll be us. There will be no warning.
There is no firmament. The next time is now.
But of the very systems of our watching.
The date became a word, an anniversary
That we inscribed with meanings–who keep so few,

Because let’s face it–we’re a bunch of hogs.
Chow-hounds, liver lips, greasers, inveterate
Consumers of declasse fried foods, vulgarians.
More likely to name an airport for an actor
Or athlete than “First of May” or “Fourth of July.”
In the movies we dream up, our captured heroes

(Present company excluded.) Who am I?
It’s just that little old unacknowledged legislator, me
Turning profundities into banalities…

Tell the interrogator their commanding officer’s name
Is Colonel Donald Duck–he writes it down, code
Of a lowbrow memory so assured it’s nearly…uhh…

…And vice versa. Have I got the yahoos suckered? Uh-huh.
Some say that animals in a forest fire run into the flames.
Well, I say they’re crispy critters and I say to hell with them.

…Aristocratic. Some say the doomed firefighters
Before they hurried into the doomed towers wrote
Their Social Security numbers on their forearms….

(You see, in spite of my mandarin pretensions,
I’m plain folks–Just like you. You shall
Know me by my trail of pop culture references….

…Easy to imagine them kidding about it a little,
As if they were filling out some workday form.
Will Rogers was a Cherokee, a survivor

…Rondo Hatton. Efram Zimbalist, Junior. Dagmar.
Am I a smart guy, or what?) I was born
65 years after Lincoln died and 65 years ago today….

…Of expropriation. A roper, a card. For some,
A hero. He had turned sixteen the year
That Frederick Douglass died. Douglass was twelve

…Spooky, huh? Walt Disney said he loved Mickey Mouse
More than any woman he had ever known. When I quote these facts
They are meant to be perceived as profound….

…When Emily Dickinson was born. Is even Donald
Half-forgotten?–Who are the Americans, not
A people by blood or religion? As it turned out…

…Don’t you get it? I am the quintessential American.
The broken rhythm of this verse is meant
To symbolize this great land sundered…

…The donated blood not needed, except as meaning.
And on the other side that morning the guy
Who shaved off all his body hair and screamed…

…(Fancy word) by tragedies of our own making and some
That the other fellers made. You know. Those dark races.
The Arabs the British swindled out of their oil….

…The name of God with his boxcutter in his hand.
O Americans–as Marianne Moore would say,
Whence is our courage? Is what holds us together…

…Why us? We ain’t got no dog in this fight,
As Mark Twain said, or maybe it was Huey Long.
One of those guys. It all blurs together. I know too much…

…A gluttonous dreamy thriving? Whence our being?
In the dark roots of our music, impudent and profound?–
Or in the Eighteenth Century clarities…

…And remember too little. Such is the price we pay
For erudition, we men of letters. This is one
Long poem. Maybe I’d better condense….

…And mystic Masonic totems of the Founders:
The Eye of the Pyramid watching over us,
Hexagram of Stars protecting the Eagle’s head…

…Founding fathers. Mystic chords of memory.
Home of the free. I lift my lantern.
Pay any price, bear any burden. Nuts….

…From terror of pox, from plague and radiation.
And if they blow up the Statue of Liberty–
Then the survivors might likely in grief, terror

Pretty cheap trick, I know. But when the master does it
It’s brilliant. Don’t call it plagiarism–
It’s bricolage–a post-modern device…

…And excess build a dozen more, or produce
A catchy song about it, its meaning as beyond
Meaning as those symbols, or Ray Charles singing “America…

…That I, most brilliant of the poet laureates
Am boldly introducing to the genre of occasional verse.
Lift up your hearts and sing. There’s flies on you…

…The Beautiful.” Alabaster cities, amber waves,
Purple majesty. The back-up singers in sequins
And high heels for a performance–or in the studio

There’s flies on him. There ain’t no flies on Skipny.
Sure, I’m something of a bunco artist, I admit it.
And therein lies my greatness and my charm. Amen.

…In sneakers and headphones, engineers at soundboards,
Musicians, all concentrating, faces as grave
With purpose as the Harbor Statue herself.

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE. 722.
Caspar, The Friendly Fetus probably wouldn’t have made it as a concept.
“But to all those scofflaws of God it would have proved that the Unborn have souls.”–RMS

THE INFORMATION #763 DECEMBER 20, 2013

THE INFORMATION
#763 DECEMBER 20, 2013
Copyright 2013 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers.–Denis Diderot

WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER EIGHT: PART TWENTY-THREE: THE FALL

Of all the loochers who bid fair to set themselves up as persecutors of Red Mary, Little Jane, Sweet Molly, Dinky Stockdale, and the rest of the Ladies of Easy Virtue in the town, the one who I disliked most violently, on general principle, would have to be the Reverend John Otis Cross.

Back during a time when folks was rootin’ through trash barrels to find food and going about practically skyclad dressed in pitiful rags, Reverend Cross decided he would embark upon an ill-considered vice crusade.

Alderman Tyler was known as a good, God-fearing, church-going man, which is how he first met the Reverend.

John Otis Cross was a short squat man dressed mostly all in black with a thick black mustache that curled up at the sides. He wore a white starched shirt with a stiff coller and  a black derby hat, and never went anywhere without a gold-headed oaken cane. Tyler first encountered him as Cross was holding forth at a gas-lit and low-ceilinged store-front church in the Cannery section, surrounded by a select forty or so of his acolytes, the great majority of them old biddies. The speech–you can look it up–t’was reprinted in the penny paper known as the Daily Chronicker–went something like this:

IF CHRIST CAME TO NOXTOWN

“Dear friends–and I call you this because you are all my friends–what would you say if I told you that you were all of you destined to go to hell?

Doubtless you would weep and wail and gnash your teeth and say that you had led a good, god-fearing and Christian life, and that you were on that account to be saved from the burning pit which the evil one has set aside to punish sinners found wanting in the eyes of an angry God.

But I advise you to take care! I am a prophet who may be without honor in his own land, but I say unto you that this town is rotten to the core and filled with swarming filth and filthy things and men and women both who wallow night and day in the filth of their defiant recreancy!

Be WARNED that the WRATH of God shall VILIFY such people who refuse to repent their filthy dog-like sins–of cupidity, of fidelity to false idols, of laziness, and of cunning. Poodle-dogs, lipstick-wearing, cigarette-smoking, card playing, sabbath breaking, Communism, and ragtime have got to be STOPPED!

For like unto a DOG sniffing through his own vomit, so THESE.

The grifters and grafters and women seducers and, and, the woman haters, and the women beaters must CHANGE from their sinful ways. The card-players and the card-sharpers and the beaver-hatted mustache men and the racketeers and the jacketeers and the fiddlers and the cornet players must be CAST OUT! In order for any of such to sincerely repent of their evil ways, they must be BORN AGAIN!

WHY must they fail to glory in the wrath of God? That Deity who, alone, has made America the greatest country that has ever been thought of?

If Christ came to Noxtown, verily, I say unto you, He would verily weep to see small children toil in factory warehouses for long hours at pennies per hour, forever closed off to the truth of the Gospels.

If Christ came to Noxtown, verily, I say unto you, He would verily rage at the sight of young mothers forced to forsake their sucking babes to the cold care of strangers because they have been cast out upon the streets by unfeeling landlords and slumlords and vice lords!

If Christ came to Noxtown, verily, I say unto you, He would verily wonder at the millions of dollars in graft and boodle leached from the body politic by bands of corrupt rascals and rapscallions and sockdologers and midget statesmen–tall in stature but small in comprehension!

If Christ came to Noxtown, verily, I say unto you, He would cover his mouth and hold his nose at the everlasting stench.

BUT–If Christ came to Noxtown–then, verily, I say unto you, He would also speak American, drive a motor-car, hold down an honest job, and shun the twin vices of card-playing and stupendous liquor!  He would rail against evil, but he would also obey LEGITIMATE authority at all levels!

It is a corrupt SHAME that GOD, who has blessed us from on high, is FORCED to look down upon us from his HEIGHTS and SEE that the mass of men–who deal in shame– who deal in problematic vices–who worry more about their pocketbooks than they do about the welfare of their neighbors–AND who actually have the the gall and wormwood to call themselves Disciples of the enduring Christ, ARE, in the sight of GOD ALMIGHTY Disciples of the enduring DEVIL–the stinking Devil!–on behalf of whom they perform their SINISTER acts!

I speak of corrupt ward-heelers and judges and elected officials who permit vice to run rampant, neither knowing nor caring that they are doing the work of Lord Lucifer and his Luciferous Crew.

Any time the newspapers print a list of the high elected officials of this town, you are sure to find there a list of men who proclaim themselves soldiers of CHRIST–but they are merely SERVANTS–servants of the Evil One–whose sins have not been found out–though I will assure you that God will not be mocked–and that the evil that men do shall be revealed sooner rather than later to the lamp of Eternal Truth and fidelity.
Why can’t these men of eminence recoil from such Ungodly behavior and hew instead to the paths of righteousness? I’ll tell you WHY. They have been tempted by Satan is why, and they have been weighed in the balance and have been found wanting. Surely they have sown the wind and shall reap the whirlwind of God’s almighty and MOST INCOHERENT rage.

The WORST of these men who call themselves Christians merely devote their lives to helping themselves to earthy treasures which as we all know the moth and rust must consume.

Why can’t these apes of ingratitude instinctively recoil from such unseemliness and promote righteousness in the Land?

I’ll tell you WHY. They are in the spell of Satan.

The fear of God has LEACHED out of them and unless they give back all they have plundered and sincerely repent, God will one day visit them–LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT–and deliver unto them the consequences of His almighty WRATH.

If they do not repent of their ill-gotten spoils, they will destroy lives and potential lives. If they do not stop taking bribes, good-will offerings, hush money, and cash for favors, they will leave us all starving and lost, without homes and health; abandoned and fruitless in our neighborhoods and dwelling-places. I’m telling you the TRUTH!  They are unaccountable for their actions; they are walkers in faithlessness; they touch all of the money; they sponsor demonic entertainments; they live in demonic homes. They make meaningless apologies; erect profane statuary to glorify themselves. They do not ever allow people to ask any QUESTIONS, and they never accept any kind of correction from well-meaning shepherds of their flocks.

Everybody knows of the so-called “Big Men” who only visits a church to see and to be seen by others. That is very unsound. It is the sin of hypocrisy.

It is time for the so-called “Big Men” to put their faith and trust and, yes, even their friendship in Jesus. To look at the world through Christ-colored glasses. It is time they no longer engage in desperate acts, because GOD has been good to us, and JESUS will provide.

You ask me, wither the way of the world? And I say unto you, it was surely contrived by agents of some malevolent God as torment for our yet-to-be committed sins.

For we are all water from different rivers, but we will surely all go to heaven together.

My friends, we must never cease to fight evil. But, at the same time, we must obey LEGITIMATE authority at all levels. That is what decency wants of us. That is what God DEMANDS from us. AH-MEN.”

And the Biddies in that gas-lit den in congress assembled all gobbled forth their Ah-mens.

Accompanied by the deep and resonant voice of that inveterate loocher, Adam Tyler.

http://www.thenoiseboard.com/index.php?showtopic=218311&st=50

1*SALUTATION
PAUL LYNDE
BAD BAD LEROY BROWN
http://youtu.be/do1as6IYoCA

2*REFERENCE
BEST BOOKS OF 2013
GOODREADS
https://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-fiction-books-2013
NPR CONCIERGE
http://apps.npr.org/best-books-2013/
NYT
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/15/books/review/the-10-best-books-of-2013.html?smid=tw-share&_r=1&
SLATE: UNDERRATED
http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2013/12/underrated_books_overlooked_fiction_and_nonfiction_of_2013.html
SLATE: POETRY
http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2013/12/mary_szybist_frank_walker_and_the_top_10_poetry_books_of_2013.html
NEW YORK MAGAZINE
http://nymag.com/arts/cultureawards/2013/top-10-books/
GOOD HOUSEKEEPING
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/blogs-books/best-books-2013#slide-1

ALSO SEE:
PENGUIN READER’S ADVISORY TOOL
http://www.us.penguingroup.com/static/pages/shop/personalpenguin/index.html?CMP=SMC-PERSHLD13

3*HUMOR
HOW AMERICANS FEEL ABOUT EACH STATE
http://likes.com/misc/how-americans-feel-about-each-state?pid=120722&page=4&v=eyJjbGlja19pZCI6IDI0ODYzMDEwNTYsICJwb3N0X2lkIjogMjkxNTM5MzgsICJtIjogMCwgInQiOiAxMzg2NDM5NTAwfQ

4*NOVELTY
GOOGLE’S LIST OF BANNED WORDS FOR ANDROID
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/12/02/google_s_banned_words_for_android_no_autocomplete_for_uterus_condom_or_lactation.html

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
RELIGIOUS MAKEUP OF AMERICA
http://www.businessinsider.com/the-religious-makeup-of-america-2013-12

6* DAILY UTILITY
VINTAGE ALA POSTERS
http://ala-con.tumblr.com/post/69086656397/vintage-ala-posters

7*CARTOON
TIME: BEST GRAPHIC NOVELS
http://entertainment.time.com/2013/12/04/arts-and-entertainment/slide/top-10-comics-and-graphic-novels/

WASHINGTON POST: TOP GRAPHIC NOVELS
http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/books/top-10-graphic-novels-of-2013/2013/11/21/314be21c-35b5-11e3-8a0e-4e2cf80831fc_story.html

ALSO SEE:
ALAN MOORE AND SUPERHEROES
http://sequart.org/magazine/37399/alan-moore-and-super-heroes-part-1-promethea-didnt-happen-now/
http://sequart.org/magazine/37413/alan-moore-and-super-heroes-part-2-alan-vs-grant-round-the-898th/

8*PRESCRIPTION
21 RACIAL MICROAGGRESSIONS
http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/racial-microagressions-you-hear-on-a-daily-basis

MISOGYNIST FICTION
http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/12/09/in_no_regrets_women_writers_talk_about_what_it_was_like_to_read_literature.html

STEREOTYPES ABOUT BOOK-LOVERS
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/06/book-lover-stereotypes_n_4392221.html?ref=topbar

9*RUMOR PATROL
36 ODD IMAGES
http://sobadsogood.com/2013/12/04/36-images-that-are-the-very-definition-of-wtf/?utm_source=buffer&utm_campaign=Buffer&utm_content=buffer0122d&utm_medium=facebook

ALSO SEE:
38 WEIRD AND REPULSIVE IMAGES
http://sobadsogood.com/2012/11/14/38-of-the-weirdest-unexplainable-images-on-the-internet/

10* LAGNIAPPE
WMBR CHEESE PATROL PLAYLISTS
http://www.track-blaster.com/wmbr/index.php?startmo=02&startyr=1991&endmo=12&endyr=2013&sort=desc&program=8&dj=0

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
PROTEST MUSIC
Most protest music was every bit as oppressive as the injustices it was supposedly attempting to eradicate.

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE. 721.
My Vision of the Destruction of America Atop Empire State Building
http://www.pitch.com/FastPitch/archives/2008/10/23/studies-in-crap-my-vision-of-the-destruction-of-america-atop-empire-state-building

THE INFORMATION #762 DECEMBER 13, 2013

THE INFORMATION
#762 DECEMBER 13, 2013
Copyright 2013 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com
https://dimenno.wordpress.com

The constellations this year seem unfavourable to rebels.–Cesare Borgia
 
WHEN THIS WORLD CATCHES FIRE
BOOK THREE: SAVAGE NOXTOWN
CHAPTER EIGHT: PART TWENTY-TWO: THE FALL

Whenever Smash Conklin was concerned, the weather was always cloudy with a chance of sorrows. The sun outside may have been summer, but it was always winter in his heart.

How he got to be that way is not easy to ken. It’s not like he was a city Yellof, born and bred to the filth of the gutter and liking no other kind. It’s not as though he ran with a boy gang as looked up to the criminal kind and gloried in the tales of badmen and crooked pols. No, he himself said he was a farm boy from Gibsonia, an orphan, a hired hand, a virtual slave to hear him tell OF it, who left school at fourteen and run away from the farm and had strayed like a innocent lamb into Central Depot and wandered the main drag where you would likely find all the message parlors and cigar stores and pool halls and taverns and low dives–all fronts for gambling hells–the ambit of the Noxtown wolves–gamblers on the grift and paying tribute to the police precinct Captain Aston and the Alderman Adam Tyler–as did the cathouses and doss houses and flophouses and so-called pharmacies and opium dens–and as did every wrongdoer right down to the Lilies who walked the street–all of whom were also dependent for their uninterrupted business enterprises to the same corrupt gang of boodlers–because, between the two of them, Aston and Tyler had the Noxtown vice racket completely sewn up.

They both of them had beefs with Red Mary because she had spoke back to them in a way that ill behooved a Tart in the presence of Important Men. You should have seen her, at the stroke of midnight, red hair flaring from beneath a straw hat, dressed all nicey-nice in crinoline and lace, with a corset and a bustle, as she bearded the lion Captain Aston in his gas-lit but dreary stone precinct house den when Sweet Molly, one of her dark-haired “girls,” was picked up on the word of a reforming preacher on a charge of “soliciting to prostitute”. “It’s a lie,” snapped she, standing before his high desk as he looked down at her and Sweet Molly. “All my girls know better. That John is lying. Why not arrest HIM?”

“He’s a minister of the Gospel, and he swears the girl made lewd insinuations accompanied by suggestive remarks.”

“So you’re going to go on the say-so of a half-blind Sky Pilot? Wasn’t one of MY girls, of that I can assure you. It ain’t no great scratch to me, payin’ the fine. It’s the principle of the thing that galls me. That Holy Joe is either lyin’ through his teeth, or he’s as stupid as a hog.”

“Try to show some respect for the clergy, Mary.”

“Don’t you take that line with me, Tom Aston,” said Mary, right pert. “Me and you go back a ways, and you know full well how I do business.”

“Let’s just say it was a mistake then, and let bygones be bygones. Just pay the fine, and I’ll square the beef with the reverend Whosis.”

‘Not so fast, Mr. Policeman. I’m bright to your racket. No fine, and be glad I don’t demand an apology. I pay enough Rhino to you coppers as is, and, like I says, it’s the principle of the thing. Or do you want maybe I should talk to Alderman Tyler?”

“No need to be a saucebox,” says Aston, thoroughly cowed. “I’ll release the girl to you and there’ll be an end on it.”

I’ll never forget her–how she stuck to her guns. There she was, all of 90 pounds, and she was ginnin’ up to get all into slinging the hatchet, even for one of her silly whores. Moral: When a mort blows her stack, be very ware!

But unfortunately, as a result of the incident at the precinct house, Red Mary got in bad with Alderman Tyler.

Tyler was a yeller-looking fat man who looked and smelled like rancid butter, with two pug-battered ears and a belly as round and tight as a pigskin. He’d been a bare-knuckle fighter in his prime–fought under the name Putcho–had a mouth full of broken teeth–wore a rabbit’s foot attached to a watch chain–lived in the penthouse of the second-best hotel in town–had an in with all the up and comers in the town–he may have been born to hang, but he would never starve, at least not so long as his twin rookers were able to grasp at every last piece of loose swag. From time to time you’d see him in the lobby of the local Jerry House, gasping for breath as he delivered one damned lie right after another, sayin’ how he was going to do for this one and put paid to that one. It wasn’t as though he couldn’t; it was that once he announced his intentions his prospective victims would take care to steer well clear of him, which was very likely the way he liked it.

Alderman Tyler was about whooping his party to the top of the greasy pole and knocking the spots off ‘n all the other bums and gulls and pleasing the sachems and high-up muckety-mucks. The Democratic machine was full of crooks and the Republican machine was full of chiselers and Tyler was a loyal Democrat nearly all the time, unless there was a great deal of money in looking the other way and letting his rival get one over just for once. It was in just that way that he would square a beef between a preacher and a lady of easy virtue; would swear a drunken thieving bummer was his long lost pal; and Tyler would sure-‘nough steal of hot stove, then turn around and sue the manufacturer because he burned his hands. There wasn’t hardly anything he wouldn’t say or do for the Democratic Party Boss–or to keep the boodle on the simmer. He could clear you from a murder beef if he so chose–or make a simple burglary into a penitentiary job if he had a mind to. He blew hot and cold, depending mostly on one thing: What Was In It For Him.

And that little favor that Red Mary had called in on behalf of Sweet Molly–who was quite a looker, by the by, and one who could have turned a heel and caught the eye of even the most devout Man of God–ended up being called in by Alderman Tyler, who fancied himself The Big Dog Under the Wagon. I wasn’t privy to their palaver, but I imagine it went something along these lines:

“I made nice to that Sky Pilot for YOU, so why don’t YOU do something nice for me?”

But Red Mary made it a policy to never trade favors for sex. She offered to pay him for the fix, but for once money was not on Alderman Tyler’s mind. I dunno how it turned out, but I imagine Sweet Molly went with Tyler to square the beef and trim his lamp wick for him, but, unbeknownst to Red Mary, she had made an enemy in Tyler–one who would no longer be quite as ready to do her a favor should the necessity present itself.

I once asked Red Mary about the two of them and she didn’t have very many kind words for either of the Yellofs. “Stopper your Gob,” says she. “Two worse blockheads I should never meet, but Tyler is the bottom of the barrel and I wouldn’t even hire him to play piano in one of my cathouses.”

She snorted at the very thought, and then added, not entirely unkindly, “But to my way of thinking, someday he just might make a fine Vice President of the United States.”

http://www.thenoiseboard.com/index.php?showtopic=218311&st=50

1*SALUTATION
HUSKER DU
HARE KRSNA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3iXCEhHdUM

2*REFERENCE
MAP OF WORD ORIGINS
http://www.businessinsider.com/european-maps-showing-origins-of-common-words-2013-11

3*HUMOR
THE CASUAL OPTIMIST
http://casualoptimist.tumblr.com/

4*NOVELTY
HEART OF DARKNESS
1938 radio version
Orson Welles & The Mercury Theatre
http://tpr.ly/1eMzzUy

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
Library Copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Tests Positive for Herpes and Cocaine
http://disinfo.com/2013/11/library-copy-fifty-shades-grey-tests-positive-herpes-cocaine/

6* DAILY UTILITY
DICTIONARY OF PRISON SLANG
http://www.freethought-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22858&garpg=2

7*CARTOON
MONSTERCRAZY
http://monstercrazy.tumblr.com/

8*PRESCRIPTION
MIDDLE EASTERN VEGETABLE SALAD
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/middle-eastern-vegetable-salad-recipe/index.html

9*RUMOR PATROL
THE CONSPIRACY TO RULE THE WORLD
http://disinfo.com/2011/11/the-conspiracy-to-rule-the-world/

10* LAGNIAPPE
THE KNOCK-OUT GAME
http://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2013/11/27/247366898/the-knockout-game-an-old-phenomenon-with-fresh-branding?utm_content=socialflow&utm_campaign=nprfacebook&utm_source=npr&utm_medium=facebook

11* DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
If You Want Reporters to Check Stories Before They Publish, You’re a Hater
By David Weigel  
http://www.slate.com/blogs/weigel/2013/12/03/buzzfeed_and_elan_gale_s_internet_hoax_too_good_to_check.html

ALSO SEE:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2013/12/03/248341071/little-ditty-about-lackin-diane-hug-a-skeptic-today
 
*11A BOOKS AND MOVIES REVIEWED
1963. MORGAN & LEVE. ***1/2
AVENGERS 1: AVENGERS WORLD. ***1/2
BATMAN FOREVER. [FILM] *1/2
BATMAN 2. CIRCLE OF VIOLENCE. ****
BATMAN DETECTIVE 2: SCARE TACTICS. ***1/2
CO-MIX. SPIEGELMAN. ***
DOUBLE DOWN. HELPERIN & HEILEMANN. ****
DRAWING POWER. ****
ENDER’S GAME. CARD/YOST/GERRY. ****
THE GODFATHER PART TWO. [FILM.] ****
THE GRAPHIC CANON 3. ****
HIP-HOP FAMILY TREE 1. PISKOR. ****
IMPOSSIBLE TALES. DITKO. ***
MAXIMUM MINIMUM WAGE. FINGERMAN. ***1/2
MINDHUNTER. DOUGLAS. ***1/2
NEW SCHOOL. SHAW. ***1/2
A PASSAGE TO INDIA. FORSTER. ****1/2
THE PSYCHOPATH INSIDE. FALLON. ****
RECLAIMING PARKLAND. DIEUGENIO. ***1/2
A ROOM WITH A VIEW. FORSTER. ****
SNARK HANDBOOK: GOV’T & POLITICS ED. DORFMAN. ***
SOLO. ****
STATS AND CURIOSITIES FROM HBR. ****
SUPERMAN: LAST SON OF KRYPTON ***1/2
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3. (2009) [FILM]. ***
TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. LUST. ****1/2
TRINITY. FETTERVORM. ****
TV LAND TO GO. ****

CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE. 720.
CONTRA ART SPIEGELMAN
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/115649/art-spiegelman-retrospective-jewish-museum

MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 182 DECEMBER 2013

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 182
DECEMBER 2013
Copyright 2013 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com

AND NOW…MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:

1. NOIR COMEDY
2. IAGORAMA
3. THE CRUSH OF INFORMATION
4. DICTIONARY OF SCHLOCK
5. CORNFLAKES & SWEET VERMOUTH
6. BIG FAT ZOMBIE
7. AMERICA RUNS ON NARCISSISM
8. COLDBLOODED JAUNTINESS
9. REAL BAD TROUBLE
10. THE CULT OF NOW
11. LASHINGS OF NIHILISM
12. KETMAN
13. ACCIDENTAL PICASSO
14. RULE OF FOUR
15. GIORGIO DONALD
16. PYOTR NARR
17. SECRET RACIST DOG WHISTLE
18. THE FATHER AND THE SON
19. LACEY FAIRE
20. CIRCUS ZOMBIES

NOIR MISFORTUNE COOKIES: TWELFTH SERIES
1101. She treated you like a dog. But…you are a dog.
1102. It’s not over until it’s over. Guess what? It’s over.
1103. You are lost on a wild sea of adult pain.
1104. The evidence needed for your alibi has been lost forever.
1105. The Big Man will reward all his henchmen–except you.
1106. Listen, creep–blow town. You’re all washed up around here.
1107. You will go kicking and screaming into that good night.
1108. You think you’re the Big Cheese–but you’re just another rat.
1109. They look in your eyes and see a corpse.
1110. You don’t get a pass this time–you stink of failure.
1111. Fool! You interfere at the peril of your own life.
1112. No shelter from the storm of the Big Man’s wrath.
1113. Every hope you cling to will become another trap.
1114. Wallow in comforting lies. The truth will get you nowhere.
1115. You’re a poisonous spider. Fortunately, your web is very small.
1116. You are a small boy’s idea of a Big Shot.
1117. Final reel of your movie: death of an old con.
1118. You’ll be the guest of honor at the Hangman’s Ball.
1119. You relish your despair because you live to fail.
1120. A whorehouse was your kindergarten; your high school was jail.
1121. Your lonely heart beats rapidly while everything dissolves.
1122. You wander through life half alive, but mostly dead.
1123. You’re not Jesus; you’re one of the Romans. A weakling.
1124. The world’s full of liars, but you’re lying to yourself.
1125. You swore Eternal Fidelity–in a City of Broken Vows.
1126. Take care of yourself; get plenty of rest. You’ll need it.
1127. Your power is your prison; your secret is your weakness.
1128. Your every wish fulfilled becomes a future nightmare.
1129. You’re an old-fashioned relic of a shattered regime.
1130. Anything is possible; only your ship is never coming in.
1131. By living only to fail you fail to live.
1132. You are anxious about lost innocence you never had.
1133. Your education only taught you to accept your own undoing.
1134. Your free will is paradoxically your tyrant.
1135. Jealous barber, throat slash, basement grave, nosy coppers, hot seat.
1136. Her smile is killing you. Literally.
1137. Sinner, beware! Acts of God are closer than they appear.
1138. Your lazy self pity will be shattered by hard reality.
1139. You are nothing but a donkey with a hard mouth.
1140. That’s all there is and there ain’t no more.
1141. You are the answer to no one’s prayer.
1142. Sit down. Shut up. Nobody cares about a stupid old man.
1143. Your pregnant wife is a secret drinker.
1144. They all judge you; not one is merciful or kind.
1145. All the devils in the world are glaring–at you.
1146. Even your one friend calls you a dyspeptic crank.
1147. Why do you talk, crazed one, when there’s nobody to listen?
1148. Even your loyal dog flees–from the scent of murder.
1149. Surrender. You are a man who has been completely used up.
1150. You are the identical twin of a known serial killer.
1151. The snowdrift provides a cool white blanket. Sleep, drunken one.
1152. At forty you had neither a heart nor a brain.
1153. She would never have married you; you are just a thug.
1154. The man who knows your secrets is now your most bitter foe.
1155. You are trash. What happens to trash? It gets burned.
1156. Proud fool–your head shall be made to bow in sorrow.
1157. Even now, the FBI is aggressively interrogating your nosy neighbors.
1158. You should be born again as somebody else. Somebody good.
1159. You’re so changed your high school sweetheart doesn’t recognize you.
1160. She would never have loved you if she had known.
1161. You are dead to all your friends and soon for real.
1162. Tired? That’s no excuse. Most people are tired.
1163. You are truly without friends–and deserve to be.
1164. Bad parents, squandered chances, sad carelessness–death by misadventure.
1165. You are afraid of that looming Jersey Barrier–and you are justified.
1166. Your parents should have kept the dog and given you away.
1167. Those burly men who tease you at the bar are not your friends.
1168. Surrender all your desires–they will never be fulfilled anyway.
1169. They do not suspect your quiet exterior conceals a seething rage.
1170. You will never find your way home. You have no home.
1171. Being a broken-down old man is now your full-time job.
1172. Your short life has been one long misadventure.
1173. All of your secret self-doubts are now public record.
1174. Even your loved ones grow tired of your excuses.
1175. The psychiatrist can’t help you. Nobody can.
1176. Nobody wants to hear the complaints of a bitter old man.
1177. Bald, ugly, and stupid–you might as well stay at home.
1178. The world is a conspiracy to ignore you.
1179. Even the friendly dog bares his teeth in your presence.
1180. Concerned parents forbid their children from talking to you.
1181. Your life is now in its anticlimax.
1182. You are such a dinosaur even the old shun you.
1183. People look at you and silently shake their heads.
1184. They have recorded your every crime on video.
1185. Soon you will pay for all your foolish misdeeds.
1186. Every day is, for you, the final judgment.
1187. Hell? This is hell, nor are you out of it.
1188. You will never win the lottery, so why bother?
1189. Yours will be a life of deprivation and squalor.
1190. You are quickly coming to the end of your tether.
1191. Your very presence is enough to bother people.
1192. Why don’t you surrender now, and save us all some trouble?
1193. You are not fit to even shine the shoes of your superiors.
1194. Fool–you can’t even hold down a minimum wage job.
1195. You have been educated in the school of black folly.
1196. Why don’t you stay at home and leave decent people in peace?
1197. You may have brains, but they are the wrong kind.
1198. You are scrounging for pennies in a land of millionaires.
1199. You should never have tried to rise above your station.
1200. All that is left for you now is sweet, endless sleep.

http://www.thenoiseboard.com/index.php?showtopic=218209

22. PREJUDICES
In Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Burl Ives is so COMPLACENT. With that old man hat, and that douchebag facial hair–I want to say to him, “Get OUT! Get OUT! You represent everything banal and corrupt about Santaland!!!”

Sentimentality aside, has Aerosmith ever been more than second rate in virtually ever aesthetic dimension that matters? Appearance, comportment, music–all seemed–and seem to this day– derivative of earlier and superior models. Even their vulgarity loses some of its power when you consider how much it owes to their sedulous aping of the Stones, et al.

The best thing you can say about Maya Angelou’s poetry is that it sometimes struggles to rise, in vain, to the level of barely adequate prose.

Billy Collins: the poet for people who think that reading poetry–any poetry– makes them more intellectually advanced. In this, he takes over the slot previously held by e.e. cummings.

Mary Oliver’s fans are the kind of people who like to read her verses on posters with pictures of peaceful animals on them.

23. 21ST CENTURY GENRE FICTION
LAWYERS IN LOVE NOIR
“Is that a subpeona in your pocket, or are just happy to see me?”

POLITICALLY CORRECT HORSE OPERA
“It must have been the Comanches–Apaches don’t scalp their victims.” “You’re probably correct, speaking from an anthropological viewpoint, but actually, I believe the practice of taking scalps originated with the white man!・Jesse McCooter wanted to kill the ‘Dude’–but he also had to admit he had a
point.

SCI-FI PSYCHIATRIST VS. SERIAL KILLER
“Now I see the pattern.” “What is it, Dr. McCrippen?”The Doctor, a disembodied head attached to a jar of aerated plasma, thoughtfully licked his forehead with his prosthetic tongues, and replied, “Why, the fiend is using Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle to plan his heinous murders!” “–You mean–” “Yes! He has NO MODUS OPERANDI AT ALL!”

ANACHRONISTIC HISTORICAL MYSTERY STORY
“Now see here, you ruffian….・But before Kevin Fujimoto could finish, the striped-shirt-wearing derby-hatted thug disabled his autogiro with a well-aimed musket blast.

COMEDIC POLICE PROCEDURAL
“Cocaine?! I thought it was flour!!” “No wonder that batch of powdered doughnuts has the squad room so jinky!”

LONE MAN AGAINST THE ELEMENTS
“There were sixteen distinct types of snow in the arctic circle–and soon Gus McKraaken was intimately acquainted with every one of them.”

ENVIRONMENTAL EXPOSE AND SUBURBAN ANGST
Was that Malathion that his reclusive neighbor Angus Grieder was storing in his woodshed? Maybe that would explain why all the neighborhood cats and birds had vanished….

SCI-FI RENEGADE DEFEATS CONSPIRACY
“You can take Commandant McMasters down–but it would cost you your life.” “Earth fool– I come from a planet where life is cheap. Where we breathe ammonia–and the DNA is infinitely replicable.”

WHIMSICAL NEIGHBORS AND THEIR ROMANTIC QUIRKS
“I am not a Rastafarian. Actually, I am one-quarter Navaho.” “Oh well,・Percy Johnson simpered, “Better Red than Dread I always say.”

COMEDIC MOB THRILLER
“YO, Angie! I fuckin’said go to fuckin’ Boston and get in touch with some MOBSTERS!” “Jeez, Donnie, I coulda fuckin’ SWORE ya said LOBSTERS!”

IMBECILE RISES IN POLITICS
“Sure, I collect elephant figurines. What’s wrong with that?” “Idiot! You’re a Democrat!”

POST-MODERN NEO-WESTERN
“No thanks Miz Hillman. I shore do ‘preciate yore offer of a drink, but I got a passel o’groceries to deliver!” Dressed only in a filmy negligee, the Coach’s wife sighed and thought, “Jack Ruby Community College ain’t growin’ ’em any brighter these days!”

IRISH POVERTY
As he licked the greasy newspaper the chips had been wrapped in, Sean McRank exclaimed, “You’re my China Plate, Father O’Flannel!” “Plinty more where that come from, me boy,” said the rotund prelate, winking.

REALISTIC TALE OF THREE WORKING STIFFS JUST GETTING BY WHO GET MIXED UP IN MISADVENTURES AND WHO GET IN OVER THEIR HEADS AND THE STUPID ONE DIES
“Just drive the car, that’s all! It’ll be the easiest two grand yuh ever made!
And don’t tell your wife.” “Aww, she ain’t talked to me in two days–ever since I
ruined all her butter knives in the garbage disposal.” “Hell, two large’ll sure ’nuff buy you a whole lotta new silverware….”Yeah? Well I’m thinkin’ more like it’ll buy me a one-way ticket outa Palookaville.”

STUFFY OUTER SPACE BRIT CONSPIRACY MYSTERY WESTERN
“I say, Cedric, old toff… aren’t those the Rigelian murder-bots from Comanche-9?” “They are–and I do believe they’re holding Inspector Android hostage!”

NEO-NOIR
“Is that a laser pistol in your pocket or…?”
She never got to finish the sentence. She suddenly disintegrated.

26. WHAT FOODS THESE MORSELS BE
Word on the street: Don Marscapone has put out a hit
for Feta.
Don Bruderbasil says he sleeps with the fishes, but
you can’t trust a Dutchman.
Suddenly, Don Gouda bursts in and says, “Cheese it,
the cops!”
It was a false alarm. In walks Farmer Cheese and when
he sees the Big Man, he melts.
Then in walks Extra Large Brown. He’s a tough
hard-boiled egg. But no egg is too tough to crack.
With a menacing wheeze, Don Marscapone says to Don
Mozzerella and Don Asiago, “OK boys–break him.”
Extra Large Brown turns left and right. He’s just
about to crack when in walks Dr. Mystic Yogi Feta, who
throws his amulet at Don Marscapone. The amulet
shatters, and the crooks are wreathed in a choking
mist. As Dr. Mystic Yogi Feta reassembles the amulet,
Extra Large Brown turns to him and says, “I’m sorry
about your amulet.” To which Dr. Mystic Yogi Feta
replies,
“YOU CAN’T MAKE AN AMULET WITHOUT BREAKING A FEW
YEGGS!”

27. AMAZON REVIEW: MY STRUGGLE
I have NEVER before opened a book and read it to the end. It was so
full of wisdom and wise moments. The story of brought tears to my eyes
as it seemed to remind me of my growing up. We were so poor. The
Little Chancellor knew what it is like to struggle and be poor. I know
the Holy Spirit surely gave the world the leader it so desperately
needed. When we finally had a house to live in, my mother would open
the door to a room and tell me to get on my knees and pray for the
Little Chancellor for three hours a day. A ritual I have kept to this
day, except I go to rallies. I wish the Little Chancellor could have
taught me to pray–as he did every morning. My Struggle (Mein Kampf)
is a five star book.

28. ON POLITICS
In just the way we’re drawn to verse and paltry rhymes
We pick our ideology to suit The Times.

29. GAG RULES: THE PERIODIC TABLE OF HUMOR
IA: THE LOW GROUP.
1. Hydrogen: Scatology.
3. Lithium: The behavior of the mentally ill; mutes, stutterers, and idiots.
11. Sodium: Profanity.
19. Potassium: Bodily infirmities; the physically handicapped.
37. Rubidium: The behavior of the unsophisticated and the fool.
55. Cesium: Tales of stupid criminals.
87. Francium: Tales of stupid foreigners.

IIA: THE INERT GROUP
4. Beryllium: The foolishness of young whippersnappers and the lower orders.
12. Magnesium: Jokes about the mother-in-law.
20. Calcium: Amusing anecdotes.
38. Strontium: Golf jokes.
56. Barium: After-dinner speeches.
88. Radium: Toasts and Roasts.

IIIB: THE SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS GROUP.
21. Scandium: Gossip.
39. Yttrium: Malicious falsehoods.
57. Lanthium: Folklore.
89. Actinium: Urban legends.

IVB: THE AGGRESSIVE GROUP
22. Titanium: Shaggy dog stories.
40. Zirconium: Defiance of authority.
72. Hafnium: Mocking family and societal conventions.
104: Rutherfordium: Mocking God.

VB: THE Â WORDPLAY GROUP.
23. Vanadium: Puns.
41. Niobium: Jokes and Riddles.
73. Tantalium: Oxymorons.
105. Dubnium: Paradoxes and conundrums.

VIB: THE ANTIC GROUP.
24. Chromium: Barnyard humor.
42. Molybdenum: Wise animals; fables.
74: Tungsten: Tongue-twisters.
106: Seaborgium: “Pull my finger”.

VIIB: THE SOPHISTICATED GROUP
25. Manganese: Limericks.
43. Technetium: Light and bawdy verse.
75. Rhenium: Horatian satire.
107: Bohrium: Juvenalian satire.

VIIIB: THE DIRTY GROUP.
26. Iron: Masturbation
27. Cobalt: Married sex.
28. Nickel: Pre-marital sex, adultery and illicit sex.
44: Ruthenium: Circumcision.
45. Rhodium: Castration.
46. Palladium: Small penis.
76. Osmium: Overlarge vagina.
77. Iridium: Vagina Dentata.
78. Platinum: Sexually transmitted diseases.
108. Hassium: Cunnilingus.
109: Meitnerium: Fellatio.
110: Ununnilium: Analingus.

IB: THE MOCKING GROUP
29. Copper: Simple irony.
47. Silver: Sardonic irony and ridicule (“You can shit in one hand and
wish in the other!”).
79. Gold: Parody.
111. Unununium: Travesty.

IIB: THE HUMAN CONDITION GROUP
30. Zinc: Jokes about children.
48. Cadmium: Jokes about men.
80. Mercury: Jokes about women.
112. Ununbium: Jokes about old age and death.

IIIA: THE XENOPHOBIC GROUP.
5. Boron: Jokes about fools.
13. Aluminum: Moron jokes.
31. Gallium: Sick humor.
49. Indium: Ethnic Humor.
81. Thallium: Racist humor.
113: Unnamed: Paedophilic humor.

IVA: THE TRICKSTER GROUP
6. Carbon: The trickster tricked.
14. Silicon: The ‘Dumb Blonde’ Joke
32. Germanium: ‘Order in the Court’
50. Tin: Con men and swindlers
82. Lead: Bad ideas
114: Ununcabium: Useless inventions

VA: THE MALICIOUS GROUP
7. Nitrogen: Snide remarks.
15. Phosphorus: Insult humor.
33. Arsenic: Poisonous rhetoric.
51. Antimony: Men/women are no damned good.
83. Bismuth: Snappy answers to stupid questions.
115. Unnamed: Poison pen letters and flaming.

VIA: THE OLD STANDBY GROUP
8. Oxygen: Prostitution.
16. Sulfur: Walking Into a Bar.
34. Selenium: Insult contests.
52: Tellurium: Doctors and Lawyers.
84. Polonium: Food-dirtying.
116. Unnamed: Oaths and Curses.

VIIA: THE CONVENTIONAL GROUP
9. Fluorine: The debunking of wild, unfounded conspiracy theories
17. Chlorine: Conventional wisdom
35. Bromine: Proverbs and wise saws.
53. Iodine: Inspirational maxims.
85. Astatine: ‘Inside’ jokes.
117: Unnamed: Running gags.

VIIIA: THE KINEASTHESIC GROUP.
2. Helium: Malicious pranks.
6: Neon: Practical jokes.
18. Argon: General Mockery; sound effects.
36. Krypton: Prejudicial humor, political cartoons.
54. Xenon: Dialect humor, ethnic cartoons.
86. Radon: Racial humor, racist cartoons.
118. Unnamed: ‘Underground’ humor; underground cartoons.

LANTHINIDES: EARTHY HUMOR
58. Cerium: Spit
59. Praseodymium: Phlegm
60. Neodymium: Burps
61. Promethium: Vomit
62. Samarium: Farts
63. Europium: Eye crust
64. Gadolinium: Toe jam
65: Terbium: Dingleberries
66: Dysprosium: Smegma
67. Holmium: Piss
68. Erbium: Shit
69. Thulium: Blood
70. Ytterbium: Menses
71. Luteum: Semen

ACTINIDES: RADIOACTIVE HUMOR
90: Thorium: Misogyny.
91. Protactinium: Frotteurism, voyeurism, paraphilia, and other perversions.
92. Uranium: Masochism.
93. Neptunium: Sadism.
94. Plutonium: Sodomy.
95. Americium: Rape.
96. Curium: Homosexual rape.
97. Berkelium: Incest.
98. Californium: Coprophilia, coprophagia, and golden showers.
99. Einsteinium: Torture.
100. Fermium: Necrophilia.
101: Mendelevium: Sex with animals.
102. Nobelium: Sex with children.
103. Lawrencium: Sex murder.

30. THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC. ARCHIVE:
2007: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977004217
2008: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977221496
2009: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977565421
2010: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977969402
2011: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978851374
2012: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980950364
2013: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474981829985