MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
Copyright 2013 Francis DiMenno
AND NOW…MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:
1. SINISTER BULLSHIT
2. UNCLE COUSIN
3. ACID CARNIVAL
4. FAILED REBELLION
5. AMERICAN VAUDEVILLE
6. WITH IT, FOR IT, & NEVER OUT OF IT
7. OLD MAN TROUBLE
8. RUN DOWN NOSE
9. BIRDSONGS OF ANTIQUITY
10. GOLDEN DON
11. TRASH DOLLS
12. KERRY & ELIASON
13. AVOIDERS OF THE KNOWN
15. JESUS: LOSS LEADER FOR JEHOVAH
16. TWILIGHT OF THE AD FIGURES
17. FANTASY EVERYTHING
18. JUNK RULES
19. KISS ME ON THE BUS
20. NEW DUST
21. NOIR MISFORTUNE COOKIES: TENTH SERIES
901. You are being relentlessly tracked by a cold-blooded killer.
902. You may not believe it, but you are God’s worst enemy.
903. Your vanity will ironically result in hideous disfigurement.
904. The man you’ve been following will turn around and kill you.
905. Your court-appointed psychiatrist is even more insane than you.
906. You can’t handle the truth. You can’t even handle lies.
907. If you weren’t completely corrupt, you’d be nothing at all.
908. You live at the intersection of Homicide Street and Murder Alley.
909. Your crime partner has escaped jail and seeks revenge.
910. Your new wife allows strange men to buy her gifts.
911. Your life’s a dead end street; you cannot turn around.
912. Your existence is a circle that adds up to zero.
913. You’ve committed no crime; but your life is a crime.
914. Thirty years of hatred keeps you warm; trouble is all you know.
915. You eat their anger and excrete pure hatred.
916. Fool–you’re practically telling them where to stick the knife.
917. You spent your whole life. Payoff–a big fat goose egg.
918. Nothing burns in you but a cold hard flame of emptiness.
919. You’re no longer in the picture–but you never were.
920. They see nothing in your eyes because your soul is dead.
921. The path is full of enormous bumps–you feel every one.
922. You’ve a long walk ahead of you. Better walk faster. Run!
923. If you fall, nobody, but nobody, will pick you back up.
924. Your mother will be reduced to working in a Waffle House.
925. They are through with plotting revenge; they are ready to act.
926. That sinking feeling will continue for the rest of your life.
927. How can you escape when you can’t even move?
928. The system works. It just doesn’t work for you.
929. Your sole happiness consists in enduring a miserable existence.
930. You didn’t start the fire–nor can you put it out.
931. Once you’re out of the picture, the facts will add up.
932. Prosperity is around the corner but you’re at a dead end.
933. You’re a tough nut, but you’re up against The Nutcracker.
934. Santa never came to your house–wrong neighborhood.
935. You think they’re on your side; they never were.
936. Your own brother sold you out–for a bottle of rotgut.
937. You don’t care about yourself–They’ll take care of you.
938. Every double-crosser in town knows you’re in it, deep.
939. You are a never-wuzzer with delusions of has-been.
940. Every cheap dame around has told you to Amscray.
941. They’ll steal your inventions, then sue you for plagiarism.
942. That Barmaid with the Panther Eyes has her hooks in deep.
943. You’re a champion swimmer–when you dive into that bottle.
944. They all know you’re very busy–busy with them reefers.
945. You pushed her away without meaning to. She’s gone forever.
946. The competition you must eliminate had the same idea–first.
947. Your mind is racing–but it isn’t built for speed.
948. You hate their so-called “lies”–but they’re telling the truth.
949. She had a heart of Gold. Now she’s full of Lead.
950. You hocked your wedding ring. Pusher sold you baby laxative.
951. You’re a sucker–there’s no percentage in wising you up.
952. You drove the getaway car–all the way to Argentina.
953. Dirty cops, flirty dames, bloody money, cold stiffs, tommy guns–death.
954. Some rob you with a shotgun; some with an even bigger shotgun.
955. No one is innocent–least of all, you.
956. Your love is not unique–it isn’t even love.
957. You are headed, not for the top, but right back to the bottom.
958. You’re a dead man, Jim–even if you don’t know it yet.
959. It’s too late to change–nobody cures a fried egg.
960. While the sun shines the moon plots your downfall.
961. They DID kill the Umpire–and you’re next, Sucker.
962. You shouldn’t have gotten involved–now there’s no way out.
963. Your new wife’s jealous ex-boyfriend is known as “Psycho”.
964. You will be hated for no other reason than being born.
965. Your compromise will permanently embitter both parties.
966. You “don’t believe in winners and losers”? That’s loser talk.
967. You don’t sweat much–for a guilty man.
968. Many more killers will be closing in real soon.
969. Tomorrow is another day–but you won’t live to see it.
970. They don’t even care enough to end your misery.
971. Thirteen? Nowadays all numbers are unlucky for you.
972. The Champ is very jealous of your pretty face.
973. Once an acid casualty–soon you’ll be a real one.
974. “Avid fan of heroin” is not a compliment.
975. The only happy people you ever see are on television.
976. Your murderous psychosis is actually the least of your problems.
977. Women look into your eyes and see only a dead man.
978. Slob–your wife convinces a hungry drifter to murder you.
979. You’re not one of God’s Children, but the Devil’s Bastard.
980. God is dead–and very soon you will also die.
981. Police say your murder technique is trite and derivative.
982. The truth won’t set you free–you’ll get the Chair.
983. God never helped you before, and He’s forgotten you now.
984. You’ll leave it all behind–but there’s nothing ahead for you.
985. They taught you to be bad, but not strong.
986. You think you’ve seen everything, but you’ve seen nothing.
987. Impossible for you to go crazy–you were born that way.
988. Your story might have been happy but for blind chance.
989. 100 little things that didn’t matter; one big thing fatally left undone.
990. It’s the last inning of your life. Score: 0-0.
991. You’ll hand it all over, but they’ll kill you anyway.
992. You really are a damned fool–you understand nothing.
993. You’re an evil influence on all your so-called friends.
994. Involuntary manslaughter? Nothing doing. You’re going to fry.
995. Over your dead body? What will be, will be.
996. Keep a stiff upper lip–they’ll destroy the lower one.
997. All humanity has declared total war on you alone.
998. It’s not the end of the world–just your world.
999. There’s always a bright side–until they blind you.
1000. She kicked you in the heart–and broke her leg.
At wild parties gentlemen are encouraged to wear neckties, so they aren’t mistaken for drunken bums.
Chocolate milk–the crack cocaine of the Kindergarten set.
Some Art is a Death’s Head Moth: It repels the Masses the better to attract the Cognoscenti.
A hot dog with ketchup: So nice when hog maws, gristle, and vinegar
can resolve their differences and learn to work together.
Love is the antithesis of betrayal. Or so we are led to believe.
“Who’s my itsy-bitsy snorgy-porgie sugar-booger snookie-wookie
sooty-footie-wootie snorbert snodgers snuggy-wuggy wuggums?” I’m
betting that these are words which Stalin never said.
Before you condemn anybody, first, look deep, into your own heart. And
THEN condemn them.
This is a job for CRAaaaazy Man!!! Ha ha ha ha ha…BOO HOO HOO…ha ha HAA!!!
I wish there were some way we could invent some more reliable statistics.
All police dramas are essentially narratives in praise of show trials.
You have put on your blindfold and you call it your philosophy.
There is a vast vast fortune to be made in saving the world from
corporate greed and arrogance.
The liberal nearly always feels obliged to apologize for pointing out the shortcomings of his opponent. The conservative usually has no such scruples. Therein lies a major distinction between the two camps.
It’s a new world every day. The problem? Is that people remain the same.
Children used to ask, “What is that doggie doing?” Now they ask, “What is that computer doing?”
24. A CHARMING TRUE STORY
I was working in a restaurant and a woman came in with her baby and started breast feeding. So I told her, “Ma’am, I’m sorry–but we don’t permit beverages brought in from the outside.”
25. A DROLL OPINION
What were once cliches may eventually become oxymorons. Cruel to be kind; Swingin’ London; The Liberal Consensus.
26. BUMPER STICKERS FOR THE APATHETIC
Beer Drinkers Are Fat.
My Philosophy Fits on a Bumper–What Does That Tell You?
If You Can Read This, You Must Be Literate
27. BUMPER STICKERS IN HEAVEN
I Brake for Celestial Choirs
My Other Car is the Chariot of the Sun
My Co-Pilot IS God
28. BUMPER STICKERS IN HELL
My Other Car’s a Pitchfork
Ask Me About My Eternal Torment
Honk If You Betrayed OUR LORD
29. FIFTY-TWO BAD IDEAS FOR TELEVISION SHOWS
THE MIGHTY THORAZINE
WHEN NEGROES ATTACK
MEASURE MY TURTLE HEAD
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF IMPORTANT WHITE MAN
LET’S TORCH A HOBO
OLD MAN CAN’T
THE GRANDIOSE POORMOUTH SHOW
CHIMP-BAITING WITH WOLVES
THE LEGEND OF STABBITY MCSTAB
BRO AND MO
WORLD’S MOST INHUMANE RECIPES
PIMP MY GRANDMOTHER
MY SON THE BURN VICTIM!
THE FAT OLD WHITE COP AND THE SKINNY YOUNG BLACK COP
THIS OLD CRACKHOUSE
THE MORBIDLY OBESE WORKHORSE AND HIS SLUTTY WIFE SHOW
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MONTEREY JACK
EAT MY WIFE!
THE FAST AND FRABJOUS
MY OLD MAN’S A FATSO!
GOD HATES UGLY BABIES
MOMMY DRINKS BECAUSE YOU CRY
STALIN’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS
LAW AND ORDER SUV
CHUNKS FROM THE MIDGET’S HIGH CHAIR
CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY
MEET THE HOOK!
THE IMPORTANCE OF CONCRETE STATISTICS
CEASE TO EXIST!
KNIGHTS IN SATAN’S SERVICE
THE GARBAGE PEOPLE
COPS: CLICK IT OR TICKET
CATHARSIS THE CAT AND HERMENEUTICS THE MOUSE
THE AGONY OF THE FEET
GUH, WHAT A CANAL!
LET THE LIQUOR DO THE TALKING
WHEEZY ‘N’ STUMPY
FATTY YOU WITH YOUR THICK FACE HAVE HURT MY INSTEP
THE LEAGUE OF PRESIDENTIAL GHOSTS
WHAT’LL WE DO WITH A BABY-O
THE TREASON OF THE DALAI LAMA
YOU COULD WIN A HUNDRED DOLLARS!
WHEN COUSINS MARRY!
30. THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC. ARCHIVE: