AND NOW…MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:
1. THOSE WHO FOLLOW YOU WILL BE LACKLUSTRE
2. TALES OF THE WARDOLF
3. A REVERSE MEMOIR
4. THE 99TH FLOOR
5. OPIUM BEES
6. I’VE FALLEN & I CAN GET UP
7. EXISTENTIAL MONKEY
8. SOMEBODY GOOD
9. THE MK BUTTON
10. AUTISTIC MOUSE
11. USELESS CORE
12. MORE FOR WHO THAN WHAT
13. BEATNIKS OF TOMORROW
14. MUSIC IS OUR BIRDSONG; RADIO OUR MATING CALL
15. LET’S NOT F*CK
16. OPERATION 40
17. GUTSY FOLLY
18. BAY OF STOOGES
19. MUPPET MISSILE CRISIS
20. OPRAH IS A MAN
21. NOIR MISFORTUNE COOKIES: NINTH SERIES
801. Your pretty young wife hangs out with the Hell’s Angels.
802. Someone’s paying big money to trash your reputation.
803. Even the pimps all laugh at your garish wardrobe.
804. Everyone makes mistakes–even God, when He made you.
805. You’ll have to get back up and keep running–forever.
806. That barfly’s hellbent on dragging you right down with her.
807. You beat the murder rap, but everyone knows you’re guilty.
808. Only a naive fool like you still believes in “Justice”.
809. You even fear the members of your own ethnic group.
810. Cops raid your teen’s loud party and find your meth lab.
811. The shrink knows you’re sane but you won’t admit it.
812. Your gun collection is stolen; you dare not report it.
813. You have observed man’s wickedness and found it good.
814. Your attempts to go legit are undone by sleek mobsters.
815. Police award you a repeat customer cell in the drunk tank.
816. Dump that movie star or you’ll lose your other eye.
817. Whiskey, fast dame, faster car, school bus–tragedy.
818. Bring-your-pet-to-work Day doesn’t mean “Pit Bull”.
819. Your blackmailing therapist is an even bigger crook than you.
820. You will be short-changed at the register–trust me.
821. Don’t open that strange unmarked package on your doorstep.
822. Mobsters are sickened by tainted hot dogs at your barbecue.
823. You shouldn’t have tried to crash that roadblock in a Yaris.
824. Morbid fear of guns will foil your fledgling holdup man career.
825. You sold a bad batch of acid to a cop’s only daughter.
826. The police have rented an apartment across the street from yours.
827. Animal control will confiscate your pet lion.
828. You have failed your test of loyalty to the Don.
829. You will become a lowly geek in a carnival sideshow.
830. You will be overcharged on the bill–trust me.
831. Washing off all the bloodstains? You’re not even close.
832. A man of your morbid disposition can never go straight.
833. The bully of the town is out to get your family.
834. Your friends know your war medals were bought in pawnshops.
835. They can and will arrest your crooked great-grandfather.
836. You were born and raised on the wrong side of Wrongtown.
837. Don’t worry about your reunion–you’re a high school dropout.
838. You’ll get stinking drunk and confide all to a hungry snitch.
839. You three-card monte scam goes terribly, terribly wrong.
840. You will be afflicted with heartburn tonight–trust me.
841. Your Best Man runs off with bride and wedding ring.
842. That prostitute your murdered was your long-lost sister.
843. The cops will pin the inside job solely on you.
844. Your bastard son will blackmail you for every penny.
845. The Boss is sure you’ll crack under the Third Degree.
846. Your family has zero influence with the District Attorney.
847. Black gangsters now know you run a white power website.
848. Your death by torture is the ailing Don’s last request.
849. Prison tats clue the Abbot that his Monastary is your hideout.
850. Soon you’ll get a splitting MSG headache–trust me.
851. There’s no room to Rhumba in a Gas Chamber.
852. Welcome to Hell. Is it hot enough for you?
853. The hypes all call you “Too Much LSD Man”.
854. You’re innocent but the cops have orders–Shoot to Kill.
855. You denied a bathroom to the Don’s pregnant wife.
856. Took the day off? The Boss will take your skin off.
857. Your cellmate has a new name for you–“Ophelia”.
858. Rumor has it you called the Don a Guinea Fuck.
859. They WILL pry your gun from your cold, dead fingers.
860. Your dogs won’t starve–they’ll feast on your bloated corpse.
861. After they extract the bullets you’ll literally be half-assed.
862. Even the Jukes and Kallikaks look down on your kinfolk.
863. You’ll die in the gutter with only a lucky penny.
864. Even Charlie Manson wants nothing to do with your problems.
865. You’ll tell them you weren’t driving–Benny was at the wheel.
866. You are destined to be doomed by your own mania.
867. They will hunt you across the four corners of the earth.
868. You are condemned–because even God hates a loser.
869. Anger lasts a minute. Life imprisonment is forever.
870. The universe is cold, random, and totally out to get you.
871. Vodka, pipe bombs, bad bar coke–a cheap date.
872. The hard cons will laugh and call you “Babycakes”.
873. Your life is a dazzling black hole of failure.
874. The hiring committee hated your bad attitude, so you killed them.
875. You’ve vowed to kill all communists, starting with the Police Chief.
876. Listen, Punchy–your entire life has been one long blood sport.
877. Those aren’t hobos, they’re zombies–and you must die.
878. Beg them on your knees and they still won’t respect you.
879. They can always count on you–to play the fool.
880. Like a broken computer they will system error delete you.
881. The fix is in, only They forgot to tell you.
882. You started out wrong and then you made some bad choices.
883. You are King, but your Kingdom is The Land of Failure.
884. Even rivers of booze won’t erase your terrible memories.
885. You ask yourself, ‘Is it me?’ Yes. yes it is.
886. Your life was a machine to make a psychopath.
887. You are on the cutting edge of dysfunction.
888. Your self-awareness condemns you to eternally apologize.
889. Ultimately you have nothing. None of it belongs to you.
890. All that remains for you is to live in the long-ago past.
891. You are already beginning to pay for future mistakes.
892. Shadows all around you, and shadows within the shadows.
893. You’ve gone down way too far to come back up again.
894. You thought you were going to set the world on fire.
895. Whatever happened to the Good Old Days? Whatever happened to You?
896. You will never rise above your station–don’t even try.
897. You can’t rescue her–you can’t even save yourself.
898. Your execution will give your family some much-needed closure.
899. If only the traffic cop hadn’t spotted the loaded gun….
900. You will never escape the Prison. The Prison is You.
22. TEN STORIES IN UNDER FIFTY WORDS
1. I DO NOT LIVE WITH MY MOM IN A BASEMENT
Nor do I “collect” bobbleheads. I merely own 23 specimens which people gave me because they know I like them. Although some people tell me my whiny voice drives them crazy. And my fondness for comic books is infantile. For a man of 43. And besides, she’s actually my step-mom.
2. I CAN…EXPLAIN
It is true that nosy police detectives have very recently found, among my effects, an allegedly “stolen” dog dish (with the name of my recently deceased neighbor’s recently deceased dog inscribed upon it). But it was a gift, I tell you. A GIFT! And it proves…nothing!
3. FAT MAN ON THE INTERSTATE
Driving through Scenic New England in the high summertime, the trees bursting with their greenery exactly resembled the tops of succulent steamed broccoli. Now, if only the rain were melted butter, he thought, I could forget my fershlugginer diet–and nosh my way from Plainville to Valley Falls!
4. TO THE PERSON SITTING IN DARKNESS
Whatcher doin’ settin’ thar wif the lights out dere, Boy? Why’m I payin’ a lectric bill anyhoo? I get it Boy–you’d rather set ther in the gloomy dark then talk t’ me. Well, set thur all yuh like–see if I care…OH COME ON SNAP OUT OF IT!
5. YOU REMIND ME SO MUCH OF A KID I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL
They called him Crazy Joe–one day he snapped–then they called him Killer Joe–then, he was gone–years later we learned they burned him in the chair–He had a kind of wild look in his eyes–just like you–but, um, in a good way–NO, WAIT!
6. ICKY JIVETOWN
Do we not all long in some location in our heart to be groovy hipsters, Daddio? Is there not a little bit of swingin’ Hipster Divinity in all of us that shapes our wild ends–rough hew them as we will? Huh? What do mean, ‘I’m under arrest”?
7. I AM A LIVING DYNAMO
You call me “Bully” but it is the custom of my people to scorn the scum of the earth and spit on them and abuse them. It has been this way since my ancestors first came to this country. What about MY rights? WHY DO YOU HATE MY FREEDOM?
8. SEE THAT DAME OVER THERE? THE ONE WEARING THE PRIEST’S BERETTA?
She’s older than the other frails. World-weary. Prefers a good stiff drink. She strangled a priest to get that hat. No wonder she’s aloof from the others. Her secret is consuming her. She can’t eat, can’t sleep. Martinis and Pall Malls are her only sustenance. My kinda dame.
9. TOTAL ANNIHILATION
That’s my meat. No half measures, that’s what I say. No, total annihilation. That’s what we need. So much better than the lackluster partial annihilation we’d previously been forced to settle for. You may call me “Nazi” and say I’m “sick,” but someday you’ll be the first on my list.
10. CHRIST’S RESUME
The next time you turn down a job applicant based on lack of experience, consider Christ’s resume: shepherd, fisherman, short order cook, some light carpentry, public speaking experience, fluent in Amharic. Then ask yourself–would you hire this hallucinating, bearded nomad? Well–WOULD you?
23. PERSONAL ADS TRANSLATED
ENERGETIC = So manic it will set your teeth on edge
LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST = Multiple substance abuser
SEXY = Preens like a crow strutting in the gutter
EASY-GOING = Prescription meds a-plenty; will share
NICE GUY = Won’t criticize your appearance in public
SINCERE = Lying sack of shit
PASSIONATE = Will ejaculate in under 30 seconds guaranteed
RESPECTFUL = Utterly dull
WITTY = Loves to hear self talk
FLEXIBLE = Has no life of their own
SELF-ASSURED/CONFIDENT = Boorish and overbearing
ANIMAL-LOVER = Has no human friends
CLEVER = Knows how to suck a subway token out of a slot
JOYFUL/HAPPY = Inane
LOYAL = Desperate
AFFECTIONATE = Slavish
KIND-HEARTED = Dopey
FAMILY-ORIENTED = Kowtows to Mom
INTERESTING/INTRIGUING = Wanted in at least two states
TALENTED = Frustrated intellectual who will only talk about self
INVIGORATING/INSPIRING = Manic
POLITE = Introverted along every point of the scale
ANIMATED = Extra-manic
ACTIVE = Loves his truck more than people
OUTGOING = Drunk every night
SINGLE = Probably married
FUN GUY = Lager lout
OUTDOOR PERSON = Clumsy as an ox
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR = Loves the Three Stooges; hopes you do too
I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M DOING THIS = Definitely married
SHY = Likes to set fires
WORKING OUT = Narcissist
MOVIES =Smuggles own candy into theatre
SPORTS = Will ignore you 9 months of the year
Sophisticated = I’m so ugly I haven’t had a date in ten years
Loving = You will need a restraining order to get rid of me
Generous = I deal drugs
Cute = Age 40 and still have “baby fat”
Reliable = Will always arrive in time for dinner
My colleagues describe me as handsome = I’m their boss
Great legs = Face like Lena the Hyena
Petite = I am 4’6″
Curvaceous = Morbidly obese
Hourglass figure =Will fuck for crack
Affectionate = Will cling to you for dear life
Likes to cuddle = Forget about oral sex
Interested in a committed relationship =Unemployed & about to be evicted
Sensitive = Irritable and neurotic
Great cook = It takes two people to hug me
Romantic = Indifferent to making a living
Caring = Dumb as a bag of rocks
Monogamous = Will fuck for food
Down to earth = Rude, crude and socially unacceptable
Looking for best friend = Don’t expect much sex
Educated = Laughably pretentious
Gentleman = Male chauvinist extraordinaire
Well hung = Bring tweezers
Great in bed = I have the I.Q. of a ceiling fan
I’d love to satisfy you = Haven’t had a woman in three years
Sexually insatiable = Will fuck rocks, moss, lichen
Animal = Will bully you and your friends for favors
Great lover = Monosyllabic grunts constitute conversation
Uninhibited = A stone-cold certified triple-X freak
Romantic = psycho
Rubenesque = fat
I’ve been told I’m attractive = ugly
Great personality = ugly+fat
Old-fashioned = frigid and/or born again christian
Easygoing = desperate
adventurous = slut
will try anything once = slut
open minded = slut
cute recent college grad = middle aged fat dude from Duluth
I enjoy the finer things in life = You will pay.
Professional = my job description has a title.
Friendship and possible LTR = Dear God why am I so lonely?
Be sure and buy these forthcoming volumes in my ongoing Americana
The Hobo’s Apprentice:
The Cross-Country Hobo;
The Runaway Hobo;
The Hobo’s Legacy;
The Rock Candy Mountain Hobo;
The Christmas Hobo;
Circle of Hobos;
The Hobo’s Homecoming;
The New Year’s Hobo;
The Lost Hobo;
A Hobo’s Holiday;
The IWW Hobo;
The Hobo’s Bride;
NEW! The Billionaire Hobo.
“Wild Horses” begs the question of whether Tame Horses,
working in disciplined concert, could have dragged Mick away.
Listen, you filthy drunks: if you don’t know how to argue in a
reasoned and impartial fashion, then I shay I want no part of you.
What we really need a robot president, then all this silly stuff
about ancestry and country of birth would never come up in the first
place. Also, instead of impeaching him, you could just take away his
O positive and AB negative walk into a bar. The bartender says,
“We don’t serve your type in here!”
My friends call me Mr. Non-Violence. But you can call me “Annihilo”.
We are, all of us, merely a tiny part of a vast web of
interconnectivity. So gimme a dollar.
Going to Starbucks, with all its arcane rituals and paraphernalia, is
like announcing to the world, “How I miss the old days! I wish to
Christ I still used drugs!”
An elephant never forgets. But what does an elephant really have to
remember in the first place? Peanuts? The hook? Or maybe the look of
betrayal on the face of that soulful clown he mutilated in
Kiddiekult books hinge upon stories which largely depend upon the
supernatural resolution of teenage angst.
Jed Clampett at the crucifixion: “Y’all come back now, hear?”
At least one of the Ten Chimp Commandments probably has something to
do with coveting bananas.
There is something about stubborn naiveté which in its utter
vacuity approaches the fabled sublimity of silence.
Democracy is a wonderfully ingenious system in which the common people
voluntarily elect leaders who work against the interests of the common
I suppose that every time a bell was rung, Pavlov’s cat went out and
sucked the breath out of a baby.
I’ll bet that Hell has a Beach Boys soundtrack–a post-1977 Beach Boys
The Blessings of the Five Fates: Air Conditioning, Power Steering,
Teflon, Diet Soda, and Thick Frosty Shakes.
I am guessing that the liberal Kool Aid of which conservatives speak
is supposed to be an ideological witch’s brew consisting in unequal
parts of secular humanism; impractical unilateral disarmament schemes;
parlor socialism; sneering at the flag, and hatred of guns, police,
the military, and hound dogs sleeping under the front porch.
Don’t laugh at your dog when he sniffs at someone’s crotch. You do the
very same thing on the internet every single day.
When it comes right down to it, the word ‘fascist’ means anything I
command it to mean.
Listen, Stranger–They call me “Mr. Gunjoy.” Do you have a problem
with that? For YOUR sake I hope NOT.
The terrible insights, unsolvable riddles & hysterical facts showcased
by our media are just another sign of our own malevolent narcissism &
our haunted hopes for a uniqueness that also conforms to social norms.
(I hope I’m not out of line.)
Someone should draw a picture of a garbageman wearing a bib with a
garbage can on it.
Lenny Kravitz’s music is better than Applebee’s food.
26. BUMPER STICKERS OF PEOPLE YOU SHOULD AVOID
My Car is Jealous of Your Shiny Car
My Other Spacecraft is the Starship Enterprise
Caution: Recombinant DNA on Board
Honk If You’re A Migrating Goose
This Machine Kills Fascists
I Sleep On a Kryptonite Pillow
Ask Me About My Particle Accelerator
L. Ron Hubbard Is My Co-Pilot
I Brake for Biological Mishaps
Caution: Nuclear Reactor on Board
People Say I’m Aggressive, But That Too Will Change–When I Get My Gun
I Love My Dog Which Used to Be a Cat
Easy Does It But Man Could I Use a Drink
I Brake For Twisted Circus Dwarves
Ask Me About My Tarantula
Stop Senseless Violence–Bring Back Sensible Violence
My Son Is An Honor Student At The State Prison Farm
Christ Is Crucified and Yet You Laugh
I Love Absinthe
Why You No Be My Friend, Esse?
Methamphetamine Is My Co-Pilot
Jesus is Coming Back Soon and Then We’ll All Be Destroyed
27, RULES OF THUMB
The half-life of Not Getting It is forever.
28. UNPLEASANT PROVERBS
An Army Dies on its Feet.
VIA E.M. DUPUIS
30. DEATH OF SHAMUS HEANEY
“A shamus only pushes up daisies one way. Via hot lead.”–Anon.
“You dirty slobbering rat,” I croaked,
My blood clotted and a hard knot
Throttled my blistered skull.
My brain pan chirped and dribbled.
A scaresome blob of a deadpan mook
Hovered neath bruised eyesockets.
I aimed and fired mid the nervous gray din.
“You stinking farrow you half-mad cow
I hope you rot in the deepest pit of Hades.”
Did I fire first or did he? No matter.
The dark city was righted by our doom.
For a man is a poor vessel of mud and blood
Ceaselessly rushing to meet sad destiny.
31. THE MODERN WISDOM ALMANAC. ARCHIVE: